THE DEVIL: I'm bored.
GOD: Me too. What should we do?
THE DEVIL: Let's torture someone.
GOD: What did I tell you about that? Not cool, bro.
THE DEVIL: Come on, it'll be fun. Let's get Handleman, he's got it coming.
GOD: Didn't we just torture him?
THE DEVIL: "In the Mix" was years ago!
GOD: I was referring to the character of Oliver on "The O.C."
THE DEVIL: Oh, well that was awhile ago too. I got an idea: he's unemployed, watching tons of TV...let's bombard him with news stories about dogs!
GOD: You are good!
THE DEVIL: Yeah, kinda goes with the whole, Lord of the Underworld thing.
First Vick, and now Ellen. Are you convinced yet? Are you convinced that nothing good can come of dogs or dog ownership? Seriously, I feel like the only sane person in the world. I have real conversations with people where they try to convince me to like dogs and they include the fact that they have to get up at 3am to walk them, they have "accidents" in the house, they've only bitten someone "that one time", and their house stinks. Yeah, I can't believe I've been a fool for so long.
Everyone acts like I'm the crazy one! No, you motherfuckers are the crazy ones! I get pissed over waking up at 3am to go piss! You're doing it to pick up your dog's feces. And I'm crazy. You know who I feel like? Ron Paul. Have you seen this guy in the Presidential debates? The 10 other guys on stage are laughing and snickering at him while he says wacky stuff like, you know, the President should actually consult Congress before going to war. It's like an episode of "The Twilight Zone".
Yeah, I'm nuts. This is completely normal behavior...
And if you think she's a treat to work with on that show, maybe you should ask the 5 directors she's fired in the last 3 months. But oh, the dog, it must be in a happy home. Fuck human beings, the dog is all that matters. It matters so much that it was ditched when it couldn't get along with a cat. I can't even believe I just wrote that sentence, and yet 90 percent of America is probably thinking "well, dogs and cats do have difficulty getting along". Fuck dogs and cats! Can't you see they're no good? Snuggle up to a rerun of "Who's the Boss" or "Golden Girls" like I do. And the best part is, when Sofia shits her pants you won't have to pick it up.
But no, I'm the crazy one. Well, me and Ron.