Let's get it on, sexy style...
Chris Harrison shows off a new shirt and earns his paycheck by showing up for 10 seconds and telling us that there will be a bunch of dates. No shit. First one on one date is with Bettina - the scarlet lettered divorcee who has taken up Jaderade's role as the house hater.
Bettina says that "every time I see Brad, I fall more and more in love with him". Do I need to remind you that this chick has been married before? And then divorced shortly thereafter? Maybe it's cause she falls in love at the drop of a hat, or at the turning on of a camera.
Brad nervously asks if Bettina has dated after the divorce. It's really funny the way he asks, cause he doesn't know if he's allowed to. He's probably afraid that if the town elders here about a divorce, they'll prepare for a lynching.
Back at the house, er, house of hate, the girls turn on Bettina. Nice. Kristy wonders if they're hating because they feel she's the biggest competition. But the girls say that's not the reason. Can you guess why they're hating on her? I'll give you a multiple choice: They're hating on Bettina because...
A. There's a chance she might be Satan
B. There's a chance she might not be a natural blonde
C. There's a chance she's not here "for the right reasons"
C is the correct answer, as it always is. I think that they should declare at the beginning of the next season that officially no one is here for the right reasons. And then Chris can meekly volunteer that he's there not because he's hoping the Bachelor can find love, but because "I'm unhireable".
Chris teases "the most dramatic exit in Bachelor history!" Really, Chris? In Bachelor history? This is season 78, how can you be sure of that?
Back from commercial, it's a group date at the pool. That's right, the aforementioned "sexiest pool party ever". Obviously, Chris is not an abs man, because I think "the Officer and a Gentleman" had a pretty sexy pool party.
Kristy - the girl who is always wanting to show her "fun" side but always says that while in tears - refuses to go in the pool.
It's the first time Hillary has seen Brad with his shirt off, and she says something profane that the producers bleep out. It's not just one word, it's like a minute of dialogue. Here's some of what I think she said:
"I would let him ravish me anytime. I would let him take my clothes off, and like, bend me over and fuck me from behind, maybe slap my ass a couple times, and maybe pull on my tits, and call it a day. I mean, who wouldn't want that?" Seriously, that's a close approximation of what she said. Class act, Hillary.
Cut to her telling Brad "I can't way for you to meet my family, especially my dad". Uh, I think your dad just blew his brains out of the back of his head.
Back at the house, Sheena prepares for her one on one date. Bettina tells us that Sheena is young and not ready for marriage. Well Bettina, you would be the expert. Bettina's the Ross Goeller of the show.
Brad and DeAnna have some awkward alone time. They basically want to do what Hillary said, but to each other (maybe minues the tit pulling). But they can't cause the other girls can see them.
Brad steals Jenni away, and makes sure they're away from the other girls, and just make out the whole time. Hillary is pissed. Sweetie, maybe you should tell him what you told us, cause that works on dudes sometimes. Oh wait, I think I just described a whore.
Back from commercial, Brad picks up Sheena for their date. I'm not a big fan, but she actually looks kinda good in her casual wear. But Brad takes her to a house where there are a bunch of dresses for her to try on - Brad keeps talking up all the "surprises" he has lined up for the date. Really, bro? You planned the date? I think this is like how he said he had an "identical" twin brother.
And then we get the moment they've been teasing forever - Sheena walks down the stairs in her dress and falls on her ass. She has a pretty good reaction. I respect that.
I don't want to get all Bachelor speaky here, but the show just did the greatest tease ever. Here it is:
Chris Harrison (voice over as Hillary is crying): "It's the most shocking goodbye ever...when Hillary loses her mind!"
Okay, how do people not watch this show? Hillary loses her mind!
I'm watching this show in LA, where there are huge fires everywhere. And a commercial just came on for the local news, and they have a woman reporter, at least I think it's a woman, standing with a microphone covered from head to toe in a yellow jumpsuit, a big yellow helmet, gigantic goggles, and an oxygen mask covering her mouth. Get the hell out of there! Do they think we're impressed by how close they're getting to the fire? It's a big fuck you to the victims, if you ask me. "Look, you have to run away from your house and all of your belongings, and I don't even have to be here and I have a flame retardant suit!"
Back to the date with Brad and Sheena, Brad basically tells her that Chad is in love with her so that's why he likes her. Well that's something, I guess.
Brad describes Sheena as "solid". Translation: "You're a great girl, you're just not for me...but have you met my non-identical twin brother?"
Sheena comes back to the house and brags about her date and her ear rings (which she says she gets to keep). Bettina gets pissed and walks out. She's an angry old hag, ain't she? Jenni comforts Sheena by telling her "(Bettina's) not here for the right reasons". This coming from the girl who brought her head shots with her.
It's almost time for the rose ceremony, and the girls get their last one on one time. Sheena has written Brad a poem. Hillary also has written a poem, it goes "roses are red, violets are blue, I want you to bend me over and slap my ass and pull on my tits and then meet my dad". It doesn't rhyme, but there's something cool about it.
DeAnna and Brad have some sweet alone time where they kiss. You know, the girls sometimes hate her and I'm just not seeing it. She seems nice. I don't know, it's weird. She's kinda like the JFK assassination, she's a riddle wrapped in a conspiracy inside a hot body.
Brad and Hillary have alone time. He tells us that he considers her "just a friend". But he tells us that she's not getting it because she doesn't listen to a word he's saying. We get a great moment showing this: Brad goes, "I think we're just good as friends". And Hillary goes, "I know! We can be best friends and lovers and husband and wife..." You can actually see Brad's eyes roll into the back of his head. Oh my God, I'm so excited to see her "lose it".
Chris explains that after tonight there will be 4 girls left, and they will take Brad home to meet their family. At this point, Hillary is wondering who the 3 other girls will be. Ha!
Jack Ruby is in. I mean DEANNA.
SPOONS gets a rose - not a big night for her, but she is, as Brad would say, "solid".
SHEENA gets a rose. She's one step closer to having an affair with Chad.
BETTINA gets the call. This had to be the most obvious rose ceremony...EVER!
Hillary begins balling immediately. She also starts looking around like a crazy person, which she is.
By the way, Kristy, the "fun" girl, is out. Learn your lesson, bitch, get in the damn pool!
Okay, Hillary walks outside and "can't breathe". She doesn't understand. You don't listen! Brad goes outside to try and comfort her. Well, you have to give him props for that. I would be in the hot tub with DeAnna right now, telling the producers to get Hillary's ass in the limo.
Hillary says "it sucks to be known as the friend". Look at the bright side, you're now known as something else to America. And the word psycho is involved.