Monday, December 17, 2007

Guys Don't Like Bangs

We don't. And we're actually pretty serious about it. And yet, much to my chagrin, it seems like bangs are the new high waisted pant. So let me very clear: Guys do not like bangs.

I know what you're thinking, "not all guys". Yes, all guys! "But my boyfriend loves mine". He's lying, bitch!

Even the very few women that look okay with bangs, would look better without bangs. That is undisputed fact. You know what's scary? I don't know which I'd more prefer: a world without dogs or a world without bangs. Okay, I'd want the dog-free world, but bangs is up there!

Maybe it's our fault that you do all these unattractive things to yourselves. The worst of us is making you believe that we want to have sex with you no matter what. It ain't true.


Don't let this happen to you

See this chick? Her bangs are keeping her from getting banged. That's right, you heard me. Those bangs are hiding a hot forehead, I'm sure of it.

Listen, I'm not trying to hate here, I'm just giving you what me and my homies call "real talk". Let me sum up with this example: have you ever looked at an old, embarrassing picture of yourself and said "Oh my God, look at those non-bangs! What was I thinking? I should've had bangs there!"

No, that's never happened ever. And if you say it has you're a liar and a bang haver and part of the problem. But you know you've looked at an old, embarrassing picture of yourself and said "those bangs are horrible"!

Now just apply that statement to always and we'll be cool.

64 comments:

oaktown said...

Check out Heidi Klum. Oh my!

Jackie D said...

I think it's extremely gay of you even to know about high-waisted pants (and to refer to them in the singular). Other than that, your only mistake is assuming that women cut their hair to please men.

Irwin Handleman said...

No Jackie, it is quite clear that women do not cut their hair to please men. And that's bullshit, cause I cut my hair, wear stuff other than sweatpants, and occasionally shave to please women. Return the favor, motherfuckers!

Anonymous said...

My husband loudly called bs on this. He says he likes bangs because when he receives oral, my hair doesn't block his view.

Anonymous said...

Then why do I google "naked girl with bangs" all the time?

mofo43 said...

There are bangs, see Heidi Klum, and then BANGS -- see the picture and most women circa 1990.

And I agree, women do not cut their hair to please men. They shave their entire bodies to please men.

Irwin Handleman said...

God bless the oral sex lady and her husband, cause you are thinking on a whole other level than me. However, might I suggest going sans bangs and just having a rubber band handy on your wrist? Best of both worlds!

Anonymous said...

According to the photo, I think you just don't like chicks with mullets, right?

Irwin Handleman said...

Bangs and mullets.

The Sorority said...

The bangs aren't the problem - it is the mullet and bad colour job.

But more disturbingly Irwin - a world without dogs??? Say it ain't so. That would be a horrible world to live in.

Jessica said...

The bangs on that woman are terrible. Not all bangs are like this.

I have to tell you, I think you are more alone in this than you think you are.

Irwin Handleman said...

Oh, I beg to differ. I asked around before posting this and I got 100 percent support from every guy. Notice there are no dudes chiming in on this? Well, except for blow job ladies husband, but I don't think she is to be trusted. The dudes aren't commenting because they are too busy silently nodding.

Everyone is getting hung up on the photo. It's just a funny picture, that's all. Guy DO NOT like bangs. They can be okay with them, but if given the option of no bangs on a girl with bangs, they'll take no bangs every time.

Laura said...

I think guys are not a fan of the pouffy (like the photo here) and/or blunt cut bangs that go straight across the forehead. BAD, on both counts. However side-swept bangs are often more flattering on women than no bangs... they certainly do a lot to flatter my face shape. It was funny when I got them cut, because my boyfriend heard I was getting bangs and begged and pleaded with me not to because he hated bangs. Then I got them anyway, and I came home and asked him how he liked it, and he was like, "you look great! I thought you were getting bangs." So my point is, not all bangs are created equal.

jim treacher said...

Two words: Bettie Page.

Li said...

oh you'll hate this. i found your bangs rant from another blog that i found when googling "feist bangs." cause i'm a bangless girl considering bangs.
but you made such a good case! (and i think i choked, laughing).
i only wish i knew where you were from and how old you were so i could figure whether or not age and geographics were a factor in this.
bc if you are in, say, colorado. then i won't have to really worry about it, because it could very well be that fashion hasn't caught up to you yet...

Irwin Handleman said...

Well, as my profile clearly states, I am (gulp) 31 and live in Santa Monica, CA, aka Los Angeles aka the forefront of bang research and technology. This ain't no Colorado.

Anonymous said...

What I have observed since getting bangs is that the wrong kinds of guys no longer cat call me on the street but the right kinds of guys now notice me more (especially the type who don't call women bitches). It's a win-win situation.

Anonymous said...

Hipster/Nerdy/Artsy/Geeky/ Intellectual types- LOVE them. Pricks- HATE them. Hooray for attracting hot interesting men!!!

Irwin Handleman said...

no, they actually don't. they just pretend to because they can't get attractive women.

Anonymous said...

I'm sooo confused! If men don't like bangs then why do they DROOL over Angelina Jolie??? I've been thinking about getting side swept bangs like Angelina in this picture: http://www.stylelist.com/2010/02/18/get-angelina-jolie-sideswept-bangs/ I personally think Angelina looks way better with bangs than without. I think bangs make her look younger and more modern. What do you think?

Irwin Handleman said...

side swept has been deemed ok. go for it.

but let's get one thing straight, angelina does not look better with bangs.

Katniss said...

You got rejected by a hot chick with bangs in highschool didnt you Irwin?

maybe if you werent so chauvinistic that wouldnt happen. ;)

And the fact that you've gone from stating ALL BANGS ARE UGLY
to saying sideswept is ok .... lulz.

I am Eponine said...

I disagree, I think it depends. I just got bangs and have never felt more confident, and have been going out of my way to talk to guys, and they have been talking to me more. And I'm from colorado, we always get a bad rep for fashion but trust me, we can do chic. I'm majoring in fashion in New York, and I can definately keep up with my peers,

Anonymous said...

Two words: Zooey Deschanel. Yeah, I'm a guy and I like bangs.

Alia said...

Funny. The only times I've been complimented on my hair, by random guys, were the times I had bangs. My roommate's guy friend told her that he liked my bangs, and he'd never even spoken to me before, so he had no reason to lie.

...That's what you get for generalizing so much.

Irwin Handleman said...

that's what you get for believing people who are just being polite.

Anonymous said...

So... in this photo, say, which one do you prefer? http://www.tvfanatic.com/2008/10/lindsay-price-bangs-or-no-bangs/

Irwin Handleman said...

the non-bangs, of course! silly question.

Anonymous said...

I love how Irwin doesn't bother to reply to the one guy that commented AND said he likes bangs. Hmm....

Irwin Handleman said...

that guy is a liar

Anonymous said...

... I dont even know how to respond to this post. you hate dogs, you beleive your opinion is all mighty, and you non-sarcastically used the word "homie". your a dumbass. your stupid post has only accomplished these two things; one, most women, or, you know, humans who read this will think of you as an arrogent jerk, and two, women, or at least I, am more likely to get bangs after reading this article, and long as it kept me away from the pompus men, aka your brethern. Thank You for your highly superior opinion; please, feel free to never give us another, for I assure you, they are not the governing rules of the world.

Anonymous said...

Well if this is the case, dude, them i guess i'm goin to have to hand in my penis. i love bangs, and i'm a guy. please to speak for all of us

Anonymous said...

you know, just because thats what you beleive doesnt mean everyone else does. no, not all guys hate bangs. alot of them dont like them, btu most of them are fine with them or jsut dont care. no, if a guy does compliment soemones bangs, it doesnt mean he's lying. he could have complimented a million other things, and he chose the bangs. maybe you should realize your not god, and your opinion isnt the only one out there

Anonymous said...

irwin, i have bangs because by boyfriend asked me to get them. he thinks their rebellious and hot. and i love them. you are all by yourself here

Anonymous said...

huh. seems someone has quite the superior attitude, huh dude? they guys you know and took a servey on are all friends of a 31 year old dog hating computer nerd who has nothing better to them make a blog about a hair trend. Good thing for me i'm lookin for a guy whit substance.

Anonymous said...

I had a problem when you said this; "no, they actually don't. they just pretend to because they can't get attractive women."

I AM HOT AS HELL. ive been stopped ont he streets for how pretty i am. ive been offered modeling jobs just by walking into a store. i can't go into a resteraunt without getting hit on. i've had bangs my entire life. the one time i didnt, for like a year when i tried growning them out, i looked gross. so just clearing that up. dont beleive me? ask my modeling agency, bitch

Anonymous said...

Katie Holmes
Zooey Deschanel
Hannah Simone
Angelina Jolie
Christina Ricci
Selema Blair
Lea Michele
Rihanna
Jane Birkin
Jennifer Aniston
Katy Perry
Olivia Wilde
Vanessa Hudges
Hayden Panetteire
Scarlette Johnson
Pixie Lott
Shakira
Emma Stone
ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHTIELEY
50% of the rest of the population

the evidence is asking you to suck it's dick, my friend

Irwin Handleman said...

which modeling agency are you with?

Anonymous said...

i worked with ford and john casablancas for a bit, becasue i wanted to be a victoriassecret model. i recently gave up because i was to busy with red cross and babysitting and running a girl scout troop. why?

Anonymous said...

hey, why are you only responding to her's?

Irwin Handleman said...

cause she's a model, and once she gets rid of her bangs she'll actually be hot.

Anonymous said...

you are sooo closeminded. i'm hot especially with my bangs. you just have abiased opinion that cannot be changed because you are TERRIFIED of being wrong

Anonymous said...

bangs = banged = getting laid. i see noooo problem here

Irwin Handleman said...

i'm not terrified of being wrong because i am wrong a lot. but not in this case. this is a indisputable fact.

Anonymous said...

fact
   [fakt] Show IPA

noun
1.
something that actually exists; reality; truth: Your fears have no basis in fact.

2.
something known to exist or to have happened: Space travel is now a fact.

3.
a truth known by actual experience or observation; something known to be true: Scientists gather facts about plant growth.

4.
something said to be true or supposed to have happened: The facts given by the witness are highly questionable.

5.
Law . Often, facts. an actual or alleged event or circumstance, as distinguished from its legal effect or consequence. Compare question of fact, question of law.

yes, it is an idisputiable fact that this is your opinion. you dont have enough information to make this thought a universal fact its a local fact, if not a personal fact.

Jessica said...

This post and all the comments had me laughing hysterically!

I wouldn't doubt that guys hate bangs. I can imagine it makes girls look really young. I've had them on and off for years and never really thought much about how other people perceived them. But I can say this - the only time my ex ever noticed I got a haircut was when I got shorter bangs..of course now I know that was probably a bad thing. Haha.

Regardless, to all the ladies: don't get mad because he said this. Who cares what guys think? Most of them are too busy trying to stick their dick in to notice whether or not you even have hair. :P

Kudos on the funny post, man!

Anonymous said...

Guy here.

Irwin has to be kidding, either that or they're a bloody idiot. Bangs not only add beauty, but delicateness to a girl-- But I'm gonna assume this is a joke post, so HAHA good one

Anonymous said...

Internet rule # 7:
Know when you're being trolled.

And if he's serious, he's not just wrong, he's stupid.

Anonymous said...

I am so against this not all boys hate bangs i understand if theyre glued to your forhead its not really attractive but its not vital! girls are cute with side bangs its very feminin so if anyone tells you that all boys hate bangs its not true!

Anonymous said...

You might be right, bangs are something a person pulls off or doesn't. And then you think well why try and pull off a style, why not just do nothing to your hair. Reason for that most people cut and style their hair to improve their look. Bangs suit people that have a decent sized forehead. They can actually hide un wanted lines from raising eye brows, or if the person has a larger sized forehead. Or just a more retro look. I have them and my boyfriend might just be use to mine, because when I pin them back he always says I look silly! I would suggest woman to not get bangs if they have small foreheads! or if they are too thick and straight and zero texture, too short as in above eye brows, they should have them straight and beneath eye brows textured. See Zooey from New Girl and Taylor Swift for details!

Anonymous said...

Oh, THANK you. I am so glad we have your royal permission to wear side-swept bangs. Seriously, as long as my father doesn't care about my bangs, I don't care who does. I have a large forehead and square face. I would look horrible without my side bangs. AND, even when I did wear blunt bangs, a lot of 18, 19, and 20, year old boys flirted with me, and I am only 15. Don't tell me boys don't like bangs. I admit, some bangs look horrible on some people, but they look awesome on many others.

Anonymous said...

OK, how can you look at this beautiful woman's super short bangs and say that you don't like them? Absolutely stunning! http://www.flickr.com/photos/themaidensvoyage/6928734900/in/faves-17134877@N04/

Irwin Handleman said...

GROSS!

Anonymous said...

i would just like to mention that the picture you posted as evidence of why bangs are bad is not actually a picture of bangs. you posted a picture of a mullet.

angus mcduf said...

dude oh dude...you just stirred this up to create controversy...i googled "why do i like bangs" and get this? seriously dude, i mean a chick's forehead is just so feminine...BANGS RULE !!

Anonymous said...

England are all OVER bangs (although we call it a fringe) I have a straight cut and it compliments my face and makes my brown eyes stand out - the thing about bangs is you can easily clip them off your face some days and have them there the next, and I get way more compliments with them, guys are always saying I look cute. It's just your opinion, that's like me saying I don't like it when guys when guys have a shaved head, it's just preferbility !

anonymous said...

Thats all good and all. what if you are like me, and you have had a slightly deformed forehead your whole life, huh? you would really tell me to grow my forward bangs?

Anonymous said...

Agreed 100% with Irwin. Bangs are just...strange. I don't understand why a girl would cut her hair like that. I could handle pretty much any other hairstyle. Just no bangs.

Anonymous said...

Women, PLEASE, PLEASE, from the bottom of my heart: DO NOT BRING BANGS BACK. Bangs are for nine-year-old's. You guys look dorky, immature and unattractive in them. I surveyed all the guys at work, we are by no means assholes, and we all agreed; we hate bangs.

Anonymous said...

Dude, I happen to like bangs on girls. Especially on my fellow Asians.

Anonymous said...

He's absolutely right about bangs. You know the reason why bangs suck? It's because they make women look like pre-teen girls. Seriously, bangs are like the first thing a girl does when she's old enough to start experimenting with their hair. Is that the vibe you want to send out there into the world? That you want to look like someone's kid sister? Say no to bangs.

Anonymous said...

Had bangs pretty much my whole life and I'm not cutting them ever. I have a long face and they are very flattering to my face. You have to appreciate that bangs come in different variations and will suit some people better than no bangs. I don't really care if you are some random guy doesn't like my bangs. I like them and that's the important thing!

Anonymous said...

Had bangs pretty much my whole life and I'm not cutting them ever. I have a long face and they are very flattering to my face. You have to appreciate that bangs come in different variations and will suit some people better than no bangs. I don't really care if you are some random guy doesn't like my bangs. I like them and that's the important thing!

Anonymous said...

I don't think you can speak on behalf of ALL men...