My Issues

(Mom, and sisters, you might want to skip this one)

I think too much. About everything. But mostly about myself. I'm constantly analyzing everything about myself. It's annoying.

You already know about my food issue. I get constantly harrassed about it at work, and people always want there to be a logical pattern to it (which there isn't) and to know where it comes from (I don't know).

But I was thinking about the whole thing today and about how I lack curiosity. In other words, I know I like certain foods, and I'm not curious to try others. I'm content with the foods I like and feel no need to try anything else. And people will always say to me: "but if you try something else, you might REALLY like it!" Yeah, maybe, but here's the thing: I don't care about food. I eat it because it's a necessity of life, but not really for enjoyment. There's no food I REALLY like! Unless you count Wishbone salad dressing, but I don't think that's a food. So to say "if you tried something else, you might REALLY like it" is just an impossibility.

I'm getting off the point. I already knew all of this, what I was thinking was how this lack of curiosity extends to other areas of my life. I wear Nike Free shoes. I got my first pair a year ago and my second pair last month. I love them, they are very comfortable. And I was thinking that if I could just wear Nike Frees the rest of my life, I would be perfectly happy. I don't want to try any other shoes, I'm good with these. That's like the food thing, right?

Another thing like this, though it's food related, is my once famous "food schedule". In college, I had a set schedule for what I would eat for dinner every night. It went like this:

MONDAY - Plain pasta with butter.

TUESDAY - Salad, corn, and white rice.

WEDNESDAY - Plain pasta with butter.

THURSDAY - Salad, corn, and white rice.

FRIDAY and SATURDAY - eat out.

SUNDAY - Baby back ribs.

I ate on this schedule for 4 years, and was perfectly happy. It's another thing that drives people crazy, cause I don't "feel" like having any particular food. Ever. But the point is that I stick to certain patterns and do not stray and am very content.

I'm also extremely loyal. My devotion to my "heroes" knows no bounds. Exhibit A: When R. Kelly came to LA a few months ago in concert, I was in the third row. And that's after "Trapped in the Closet" and all the peeing. I stick with my boys, and do not stray.

Also, I do not flip. And I mean that literally. I took gymnastics with my sisters and the teacher was going to flip us. I quit. In the fourth grade I took judo and we were going to learn how to flip. I quit. I don't flip.

I had bunk beds in my room as a youth and I slept on the top bunk. When I was 4 years old, I rolled off and fell to the floor. I have not slept on a top bunk since.

A couple years later, my dad tricked me onto Thunder Mountain at Disneyland. I screamed for the entire ride. I have not been on a roller coaster since.

Okay, I think my track record is clear. So what I was thinking about with all of this was: why does this behavior not extend to women?

I want to fuck EVERYONE. Well, not everyone. I want to fuck all attractive ladies. I'm 30, for Christ Sakes! With my OCD tendencies, rituals, habits, and lack of curiosity, how am I not married? How come I don't want to try sushi, but I want to bang the girl serving it?

Of course, I don't fuck everyone. I don't have the balls to actually ask for the fucking. And as mentioned, I think about things way too much to go out and do it. The consequences of the fucking play out in my head like a bad episode of 90210. But that's neither here nor there.

You might be thinking: you haven't met the right girl. This could be true. Actually, I hope this is true. A lot. Or else I better start liking cats for when I'm old and well, I'm already kinda bitter.

You might also be thinking: typical dude. This is true. I am a dude. I will say though that my parents have been happily married for 40 years. There was only one person in my town that I knew of that had divorced parents, everyone else had a mom and dad at home. So I've seen a lot of happy, healthy committed relationships. I'm cool with them. I'd like to have one myself.

But maybe somehow at some point the whole commitment thing became "the other". The non-wishbone dressing, the rollercoaster, the top bunk, the (gasp!) flip. And maybe that's just the one thing I'm gonna have to get over and actually try.

My mom always used to say "Irwin, you're not weird enough to be a writer". Suck on this post, mom!

So anyway, ladies, who wants some of this?!

The Money

I was looking at the box office numbers for 2006 and getting a little annoyed. First of all, it always bugs me how there's this constant media talk about how "box office is down!" and "are movies in trouble!". Movies are making billions! It drives me crazy, cause there will be a year where the box office is huge and records are broken, and then the next year we have to hear about how "box office is down 5 percent from last year". Of course it is! The year before was the biggest year ever!

Another annoying thing when looking at the list is how it doesn't make sense how much attention/hype/press coverage certain things get in comparison to what people actually pay to see.

Here's some things I thought were interesting:

Number 14 on the list: Mission Impossible 3. Wasn't everyone saying that this movie was a huge disappointment? True, it only made $134 million in the US, but it made $263 overseas. That's $400 million total! That's not too shabby, especially when you consider the star did everything possible to fuck it up.

Number 19: "Scary Movie 4", $90 million US, $90 million foreign, $180 million total. This has to be the most incomprehensible money making franchise since they made a sequel to "Roadhouse".

Number 38: "Big Momma's House 2", $138 million total. Speaking of unbelievable franchises, do you know one person that saw this movie? Seriously, no one you know saw this and it's a $180 million dollar movie. And people wonder why Hollywood makes so many sequels and are confused by the succes of Magic Johnson theaters. "Big Momma's House 2", that's why.

Number 40: "Step Up" $65 million.
Number 41: "Miami Vice" $63.5 million. How much did we have to hear about fricking "Miami Vice" before it came out? How come there wasn't one EW article about cocaine and whores on the set of "Step Up"? Incidentally, this also depresses me because "In the Mix" is the same as "Step Up" but with a star, and it did $10 million. Which is the reason I don't own a house, or drive a nice car, or get girls.

Number 51: "Little Miss Sunshine". This movie is nominated for best picture of the year. People adore it.

Number 50: "Benchwarmers"

Number 52: "Little Man"

Okay, considering the above facts, why again can they not release "Idiocracy" or "Artie Lange's Beer League"???

Number 94: "Employee of the Month", $28 million. Well, this one's a shocker. Especially since it stars the two biggest stars of our day: Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson.

Random Stuff

--A reader wrote in asking me if I had heard about Bachelor Lorenzo supposedly not going out with Jen, and now going out with the virgin Sadie. There are a couple unsubstantiated reports about this, but there has been no official confirmation. Unfortunately, my top secret source inside the Bachelor organization is in Australia so I can't get any inside scoop.

But the whole thing made me think about how weird it must be to watch your dating life on TV, as edited by the producers. Think about it, when Lorenzo was watching the show, did he see it as we did: "hey, Jen seems kind of dumb and lame". Or, "you know, that Sadie is kinda cool...except for the whole virgin thing". Or, "why am I such an awkward kisser?"

--And now, "Lost". This story came out a little bit ago, but I wanted to talk about it. Basically, the "Lost" creators have talked to ABC about figuring out when the last season of the show will be. Yes! Thank you! That's exactly what they should be doing. This is something I was thinking about a couple months ago as people were complaining about the third season. I was thinking that it must be pretty hard to know how to pace out a show when there is no end date. Because "Lost" is like a movie. Do they restrain themselves so they have enough to last the season? Or do they just let it go and hope they have more story if they have to do a season 10?

Imagine making a movie and you have no idea how long it is. "Lost" has done a 50 hour movie so far, is the movie going to be 100 hours? 200 hours? You have to know to beat out the story properly, or else the pace is gonna be weird and the ending is either going to be very abrupt or anti-climactic.

It's a weird situation. It goes against everything the network wants: planning the end to a show that's a hit. You just don't do that. But the fact is, with this type of show, you have to. Look at "Desperate Housewives", the creator basically planned the show as if it would end after one season and now they're fucked. Same goes, in a way, for "Prison Break" - although they've done a lot better job with coming up with stuff for season 2.

Anyway, I think it's a very smart move and something that is going to have to be dealt with for other shows. Like if "The Nine" had survived, or still with "Prison Break", or any show with an overall arc.

Okay, I'm working, maybe I should get back to that now.

Back to Work, Season 3

Well, it's been a fun ride.But it looks like my days of sitting in my sweatpants, watching the Lifetime comedy block (Golden Girls, Frasier, Will & Grace), and playing Nintendo Wii have finally come to an end. I got the call. It's time to fire up some beaner comedy, season 3 style, starting Monday.

Who knows what could be in store this season...Butt Pirates 2? Possibly. More song parodies? Probably. Half-naked gay appearances by me? Definitely.

After all the acting gigs I had in the hiatus they might have to change my title to "writer/performer". Or if you've actually seen my acting "writer/uncomfortable looking guy".

Honestly, it hasn't been a great hiatus. I was hoping a lot more would happen but unfortunately, Team Handleman let me down. In fact, it's weird that there's no I in team because I think I'm the only one playing for Team Handleman.

Some good things did happen though. And before I go back to work, let's take a look at all I accomplished in the break:

1. My aforementioned acting career blossomed and I put a beatdown on some nerds

2. I devoted countless hours to this blog and offending my female readers
3. TV got awesome and I watched every single second of it

4. My TiVo is absolutely clean, everything is watched

5. I actually cost Netflix money.

6. The corner of my couch now has a permanent indentation that forms to my body

7. I wrote multiple scripts that I'm very, very excited about, so I'll have lots to show a reformed Team Handleman

8. In preparation for my shirtless appearances, I started working out again and regained my ability to flex my man breasts

9. I went to 4 (4!) bachelor parties and befriended a midget Rachel Bilson looking stripper (who I actually told "I'll put you on Mencia, you can play hot girl number 2")

10. I won fantasy football, which was not only a source of pride but also allowed me pay my rent this month

11. "The OC" got cancelled (which I think I had something to do with), but so did "Smith"

12. LC broke up with Jason, so she'll be a nice backup if that whole Minka and me thing doesn't work out

Here's to gettin' paid!

You're All Kidding Yourselves About "24"

"24" is huge right now. In fact, it's so huge it is almost untouchable. To say it's anything other than awesome is down right heresy. But let me tell you something: the first 4 hours of this season's "24" sucked.

That's right, I said it. It's garbage. It's laughable garbage. I'm embarrassed for it.

Now, in the interest of full disclosure I have not watched the series since the end of season 1. But because of all the hype about the show, and because I was tired of going to parties and people asking "you watch "24", right?", I decided to watch it this season.

Why did I stop watching in the first place?

When I first heard about this show, I was excited. I love cool ideas and "24" is a cool idea. Doing one day in a man's life for 24 episodes is awesome, and difficult to pull off. I wanted to see what they would do with it and started watching the first season.

It was pretty good, though the ratings were not. There were some struggles but overall it was entertaining. And then about halfway through that first season things started getting crazy. Characters began acting totally out of character. "Good" characters were suddenly evil. Nothing made sense.

And then I read an interview with the "24" writers where they said "We have no plan for the season, we're just kind of making it up as we go along". As sassy black ladies say, "oh, HELL no!" That's the worst thing I could hear, a cardinal sin. I was so pissed.

Suddenly, the craziness I was seeing totally made sense. And when "good" characters turned "evil" it wasn't earned because it wasn't planned. If you went back and watched early episodes you would see these "evil" characters doing things they wouldn't do if they were going to be "evil" later. I was really upset and my boner for this show was totally lost. I vowed never to watch it again.

But a strange thing happened: Fox went out on a limb and gave it another season and lo and behold, the show got popular. I kept hearing about it and I was left out of fun conversations, so I decided to break my vow and get back in.

To my great shock, the show is shit. I'm not saying this to be an asshole contrarian, it was really difficult for me to watch it without laughing.

So now I'm left to wonder, what's with you? And by you I mean America. Maybe if you got engrossed in it during seasons 2-5 you don't notice how shitty it is. But trust me, it is.

A few years from now when you watch the reruns, you're going to feel like members of the Hitler youth after WWII ended: "Yeah, looking back now, that was kinda stupid. I don't know what we were thinking."

I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that the same people who like "Lost" and "Friday Night Lights" and "The Wire" like this show. Leni Riefenstahl must be directing it.

The writing is terrible. This is the worst dialogue I've heard on any show outside of MTV's "Parental Control". There's too many examples of this to site so I'll just move on to my even bigger issue:

There is something in fiction we like to call "suspension of disbelief". Again, maybe if you've been watching the show that past couple of years then that is there for you. If you're just watching it now, it's nonexistent. This show is utterly fucking implausible. This show makes "The Departed" look like "The Wire". Even The writers of "Prison Break" think it's "a little over the top".

Nothing that happens on this show could ever happen. Ever. Not one thing. How am I supposed to be invested in any of the characters or any of the action when it does not represent any sort of reality? It's a fucking cartoon!

--Who knew that if you're imprisoned by the Chinese and then the President negotiates your secret release, there's paper work to be signed.

--If you call 9-1-1 and say there's a "terrorist" at your house, you will be immediately transferred to a secret spy (who arrived via Chinese prison an hour and a half ago and jump kicked a suicide bomber off a subway train a half hour ago) who will immediately drive over to your house and kill him.

-The President negotiates with terrorists. Actually, he doesn't negotiate. He just agrees to full immunity in about 3 minutes and gets it in writing to the guy in LA in 5.

--How is a well known terrorist who can identify every other terrorist not recognized by another terrorist? If Osama Bin Laden offered me a ride home after a car accident, I think I'd be suspicious.

--Kumar/Taj is in high school?

--Oh, and did I mention the guy saving the world is 4 feet tall?!

I know what you're thinking: it's a made up show, you can't complain about it not being real. Yeah, no shit. All TV is fake, even the reality shows (especially the reality shows), but good shows are supposed to make you believe. There's not a second on "Lost" where I go: "this is bullshit". Cause it's too good to think that!

One other thing - I've heard this Chloe girl is supposed to be hot. What? Have you not seen Minka? She's hot. Chloe is a "hey, it's that girl" in various movies who makes funny faces, which isn't hard because she has a funny looking face.

The only thing less believable than this chick in a love triangle is every other thing that happens on this show.

Finally, here's a theory on this whole mess: the writers of this show are confined to following one character for one day. This makes things hard, and a lot of stuff has to happen all the time. And through the seasons thing have gotten more and more accelerated (like how Melrose Place started slow and reasonable, then got crazy and good, and then just got crazy).

So now when I watch it, it just looks like crazy time. Jack literally goes from getting off a boat from a torture prison in China, to being tortured by an arab terrorist, to escaping and blowing up a suicide bomber on an LA train. All without taking a shower or getting something to eat.

I know: "you can't show a character taking a shower". My answer to that is: "yes you can!"

If the writers of this show were any good, they could have lots of cool moments with characters just dealing with all of this. But no, they don't know how to do that. So their answer is to just blow more stuff up. I guarantee you the "Lost" writers or the "Grey's Anatomy" writers would do things a lot differently, and in a way that would make the quiet character moments even more fun to watch then Jack shooting people.

I know you don't agree with me right now, but in a few years, after you've escaped Nazi Germany, I'll accept your apology.

Skinny is Ugly

The Golden Globes 2007

As I’ve said many times before, I hate awards shows. But The Golden Globes is the one I hate the least. It’s pretty cool to see movie stars and TV stars all in the same room getting way too drunk. You can see McDreamy talking to Nicholson and wonder “what the hell could Colonel Jessup possibly have to say to Ronald Miller?

I didn’t get to do a whole recap from last night’s show, but here are some random thoughts:

-For the first hour I thought my TV was broken because every single girl I saw was WAY TOO SKINNY. Spielberg must have thought he was back on the set of “Schindler’s List”. It was disgusting. What are these girls thinking? Just to be clear here, I’m talking about Hillary Swank, all of the “Desperate Housewives”, Sharon Stone, of course Renee Zellweger, Cameron Diaz, Toni Collete, Naomi Watts, and the list goes on and on. It’s like they all saw Nicole Richie in US Weekly and went “I want that!”

I think I’ve said this before but let me say it again: men do not find that attractive. Only guys on Dateline want to have sex with 12 year olds.

And if they are looking for a gauge on when skinny is too skinny, I have a rule for them: check your head. The size of your head determines how skinny you can be. Once you get “big head”, you need to put on a few more pounds. Did you see Longoria’s melon last night? I have bobble heads in better proportion. Just look at Oprah – there’s only so skinny she can be because her head is huge. She pretty much has to be 200 pounds just to support that noggin.

As for Zellweger, she’s not even a human being anymore. She’s a baby alien who is constantly eating a lemon. And Cameron Diaz isn’t taking the breakup well. I thought she was doing an audition to be the Joker in the next Batman. And Swank? Um, sweetie, the only thing from keeping us from thinking you were a dude this whole time was your voluptousness. Now your boobs are gone and I think we should take back that Oscar for playing Brandon Teena. She IS Brandon Teena. A real stretch would be playing a good looking chick at this point.

On the other hand, Salma Hayek! Not skinny but just fricking hot. Follow her example, skinny bitches.

-How about that “Prince is short” joke by Justin Timberlake? Wow, he’s got balls. It was funny though. I think it’s time that we just all agree to forget that ‘NSYNC ever happened and admit that Justin is cool.

-Why couldn’t there be a camera on Brad and Angelina for the entire show? If there was a feed of just them, I would’ve watched that instead.

-Kyra Sedgwick wins? If any of you guys have seen this show I’d like you to comment, because my parents were watching this one time when I visited them and we all agreed it was the worst show on TV. And Kyra is horrible in it. She does a really bad southern accent. I swear the Hollywood Foreign Press has never seen it before and just gave the award to a recognizable name.

-Is the Hollywood Foreign Press made up entirely of gay males? This was the gayest awards show I’ve ever seen. Think about it: “Dreamgirls”, multiple movies involving The Queen, Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep in “Devil Wears Prada”, “Ugly Betty”, and nominating Leo not once but twice! Everyone who saw the preview for "Blood Diamond" went "Maybe I'd see it, but Leo's accent is terrible". And he got nominated for that?! Crazy gay.

-What happened to Ryan Gosling in “Half Nelson”? I thought that was supposed to be the greatest performance ever? I haven’t heard one word about it. It just goes to show that awards are all about the ad campaign. And that gays don’t like Gosling.

-I’m glad Alec won, but how was he not nominated for “The Departed”? Marky Mark was good and all, but come on! He stole the movie! “You wanna smoke? What? You don’t smoke? You some kind of a health freak? Go fuck yourself!”

-Beyonce is fucking hot.

-Two girls who I normally don’t think are hot who were last night: Reese and Courtney Cox. Think about it: Courtney Cox was on “Family Ties” in 1987. Suck on it, Ponce De Leon! (Yes, I know that both these chicks are way skinny but I have to judge in relation to the rest of the skinniness)

-Will Smith and Jada Pinkett were less annoying than usual. Oh yeah, it’s because they didn’t let them talk.

-The show set the record for most funny acceptance speeches – Hugh Laurie was great, he could easily be Hugh Grant's older brother. And of course, Sascha Baren Cohen.

-Awkward moment of the night: Maria Menounos’ interview with Ugly Betty. She asked “what do you say to all the people who said you couldn’t play this part?” “What people?” It was so bad that Maria was never seen or heard from again the rest of the night.

-Say what you want about J. Lo, but girl puts it together for awards shows.

-“Dreamgirls”? “Dreamgirls”?!!!

The Best New Show Not Named "Heroes"

Friday Night Lights" is freaking great.

I've put off writing this for a long time for a number of reasons:

1. A shaky beginning
2. Inconsistent acting
3. The possibility that I only watched the show to ogle the most beautiful woman in the world, Minka Kelly (yes, that's her real name. And shut up, I know it sounds a little too much like "Mischa"):

Oh Minka, may you one day be hanging out at the Brentwood Souplantation. And may you be wearing that chearleading outfit.

Okay, back to the show.

It was good at the beginning, not great. I thought they got some of the football scenes wrong. And I really didn't think I'd be able to watch a show that featured an 18 year old stud getting paralyzed and sitting in a wheelchair for the rest of the series (by the way, the actor playing this kid looks 10 years older every episode, he is now played by a 58 year old man).

For some reason, I stuck with it. Oh yeah, that reason was Minka. But another reason was Kyle Chandler - the coach - and Connie Britton - the coach's wife. They are the heart of the show, much like how Mr. and Mrs Cohen were for those first 6 glorious episodes of "The O.C.".

I would not fit in if I lived in Texas, I don't like gun racks and never feel the need to hit up a drive through liquor store - but God Dammit I would grow a mullet and bang my cousin if I could speak with Kyle Chandler's Texas twang.

The beginning wasn't perfect. However, despite what genius TV execs would tell you, sometimes shows actually need time to grow and find themselves. And that's what "Friday Night Lights has done. I kept waiting for it to regress, but it keeps getting better every week.

One of the reasons for this is because of this guy - Matt Saracen, QB 1.

If you haven't been watching, then you've missed the relationship between Saracen, the coach, and the coach's daughter. It has been the source of consistently terrific awkward/funny moments. Kyle Chandler is awesome at giving stutting Saracen a hard time.

It's not just the comedy though, it's the thing that's developing between Saracen and the coach's daughter. Why is it fun to watch? Because this is the coach's daughter:

She will spend the rest of her acting career going up for parts against the girl who plays the cheerleader on "Heroes". She will win. Because I don't care which douchebag from "Laguna Beach" the cheerleader goes out with in real life, this girl is the pretty one. I would love her if it wasn't against the damn stringent statutory rape laws. Yes, I'm a dirty old man.

This is Riggins.

Riggins is cool. I don't have a Joshua Jackson level hetero man crush on him, but it's darn close. He's a lot like Dylan Mckay, except for he plays fullback, isn't rich, and would never get tied down with Brenda Walsh, but probably would fuck the shit out of her in the bathroom of the Peach Pit.

He does that sort of stuff with Tyra:

Tyra kinda looks like Kristin Cavalleri. And much like Kristin, she has sex with everyone. It's yet another example of a TV show casting the blonde girl as "the bombshell" and the brunette as the wholesome nice girl. But sorry Tyra, Minka is all of the above. Or maybe I just don't like blondes.

All right, enough ass kissing, watch the damn show for yourself.

The Love Doctor Retraction

Due to concern from my family and friends, I have deleted the link to the love Doctor. This guy e-mailed me and I looked at his site with that letter "from me" and I thought it was funny so I put it on here, but it has pissed a lot of people off so I've removed it. Sorry for that.

You Must Watch This

For those of you who don't go on perezhilton.com, God bless you. It's absolutely horrible. But there is a video clip on there today that is so fucking hilarious that you must check it out.

It's Paula Abdul doing an interview on a local news station, and Perez asks if she's drunk or high. But after watching it, I'm going with retarded. Seriously, I don't think I've ever seen anyone that fucked up. It's like she's doing an imitation of Juliette Lewis in "The Other Sister". Paula needs to get a grip and start living by my personal mantra: WWMCSKD? (What would MC Skat Kat Do?)

I know I'm old cause...

I won a limbo contest at my friend Doron Jacubowitz's bar mitzvah and the prize was a Madonna single...on vinyl.

When asked recently what other stuff Jason Bateman has been in, I said I liked him best as the Ricker's friend Derek on "Silver Spoons".

I think "Super Sweet Sixteen" is setting a bad example for the kids.

My last two girlfriends had never seen "Top Gun"because when it came out they were 3.

After a lifetime of playing sports and never stretching, now before any athletic activity I have to do calisthenics like Billy Hoyle in "White Men Can't Jump".

I recently rewatched a Chris Rock special on HBO and thought to myself "does he really have to say pussy so much?"

I watch more shows on CBS than FOX and CW combined.

Whenever I see Rosie O'Donnell I think of the sad and bitter host of VH1's Stand Up Spotlight.

It's now socially acceptable for 30 year old men to play Nintendo (Shut up, it is).

Comments

I love getting comments. Even when you hate me, I love it. I get where most of you are coming from whether you agree with me or think I'm an idiot (which is a lot of the time). However, there is a certain type of comment that I get that confuses me.

I've shown you some of these before and now I have more. So herewith, some comments from my post "Trapped in the Closet 13":

"Dear Irwin,

IF YALL WASNT ON HIZ NUTZ SO MUCH YOU WOULDNT HAVE TIME 2 WRITE DIS BULLSHIT YALL MAD CUZ YALL BROKE-AZZ SECTION A REJECTS AINT MAKIN NO MONEY."

"EVEN DOUGH YA HATIN BUT THIS SHIT WAS ROCKEN COME OUT WITH A PART 14 AND I WILL KEEP COMMENTIN HOW FUCKIN U GUYS ROCK YEAHHHHHHHHH"

Signed, Anonymous


"Dear Irwin,

you got too much time on your hands get a life so you can put it to some real genius and make your own song. You d!<# riding homos!!!"

Signed, Anonymous


"Dear Irwin,

Listen yh jst coz u h8in coz u cant make nufin beta wot dis man has, dont start cummin up in dis postin just 2 start causin trouble, u dont like it well keep it to ur damn self kk!"

Signed, Anonymous


Now...are these people for real? Is it a joke? I really don't know. But I like to imagine them in their office right now typing out emails to clients:

"we need 2 die verse if i dat portfoli ho 2 pro tech 9 yo chedda"

By the way, it took me twenty minutes to figure out how to write that sentence. Does it take them that long for the comments or does it come natural? Is there a consensus on spelling? Like is "this" always spelled "dis", and if so, then what if you want to say "dis"? And is "better" always "beta", and if so, then what if you are talking about the new yahoo "beta". That's gotta be confusing. But I guess it only makes sense that gangsta talk would have a written component.

Anyway, thanks for all your comments and please keep them coming. And if you didn't understand that last sentence, let me put it this way: "props 4 all yo shout outs and keep bringin dat shit u dick ridin' homos".

Auteur Theory

While at the theater to see "Dreamgirls", I saw a movie preview that made me laugh.

It was for a movie called "I Think I Love My Wife", which stars Chris Rock. It didn't make me laugh because it was funny, I mean, what Chris Rock movie makes you laugh? No, it was funny because the preview began: "From writer/director Chris Rock..."

What? Is that supposed to be a joke? Writer/director Chris Rock? That's like saying: "From writer/director Madonna..." or if my next movie begins "From the man who brought you "In The Mix". Usually the idea of a movie preview is to make it sound like something you'd want to see.

In Chris' defense though, he has written and directed one other movie. "Goodfellas"? No. "Pulp Fiction"? No. It was the black presidential romp "Head of State". I think we all remember Robin Givens' star making turn in that one, or the way Chris Rock: auteur got Bernie Mac to emote.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm as big a Chris Rock fan as there is on the planet. I love Chris and have imitated him just about everyday since I first heard him say "new pussy can't cook!"

But you know what? Know your role. He's a great standup comedian, one of the greats of all time, what's wrong with that? Why isn't that enough? For some reason, it isn't. No, that has to be old Chris, the guy who just does standup. New Chris has to be a big time movie guy, but I got news for you: New Chris can't act!

It's just like when they give George Costanza his own sitcom. George Costanza isn't a lead, George Costanza is the friend. And no matter how great he is at being the friend, he will never be a lead. Not there is anything wrong with that. At all.

Of course, Chris might make a good movie. Maybe "I Think I Love My Wife" will be amazing, the preview wasn't half bad. But I guarantee you this: it won't be as good as his next standup special.

The late great Mitch Hedberg summed the whole thing up best:

"As a comedian, I always get into situations where I'm auditioning for movies and sitcoms, you know? As a comedian, they want you to do other things besides comedy. They say "alright you're a comedian, can you write? Write us a script. Act in this sitcom." They want me to do shit that's related to comedy, but it's not comedy, man. It's not fair, you know? It's as though if I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a really good cook, and they said "alright you're a cook... can you farm?"

The Age of Corny

Here's a hypothetical situation:

It's the year 2027. A film is being made about hip hop, more specifically, about west coast hip hop in the early to mid 90's - ie. Death Row Records, Dr. Dre, Snoop, etc. Actors are cast in the Dre role and the Snoop role, but the characters aren't Dre and Snoop specifically, they're just similar to Dre and Snoop. And instead of using the actual music of that time - "Nuttin' But a G Thing", "Gin and Juice" - they are going to get a guy to write a whole new set of songs, that are like those songs, but different.

Nevermind that it took living in that time to write them, or that it took a musical genius (Dr. Dre) to produce them, and a unique rapper to put the vocals on them. No. They're not going to use those songs, even though that's what the whole movie is about, they are going to create ones "like them".

Why would you want to watch that movie? Why would anyone want to watch that movie? Okay, so why would anyone watch "Dreamgirls"?!

Isn't this movie about motown? It's an insult to motown. Oh, you can just write up some parody songs and that explains the whole thing? Why not just have Weird Al Yankovic do the soundtrack?

This movie has had the best buzz of the year. I don't know where buzz comes from, who starts it, who keeps it going, but I hate that person. It's so weird how some movies just have the vibe on them and some don't. For whatever reason, "Dreamgirls" had the vibe. "Eddie Murphy is back!" "Jennifer Hudson trumps Beyonce!" "Jamie Foxx is Going to Have to Find Another Dead Grandma to Thank!"

Well, I had a choice to either see it or the new Bond and I chose "Dreamgirls" because I like to have seen all the Oscar contenders, and you know what? The buzz can bite me.

First of all, I went and saw it on 2006 and didn't get out of the theater until 2007. True, a full year didn't go by during that time, but it sure as hell felt like it. I think the reason it felt so long was that there were too many songs. No, not too many of the fake motown songs, but too many dialogue singing songs. Every time people are talking and singing starts, you know you're in for 5 minutes of shit that you already know.

But let's talk about the performances cause that's where the biggest buzz has been. First, Jennifer Hudson. No doubt, she was great. Girl can sing. But I think it's stupid how people are saying that she's upstaging Beyonce. If you don't upstage Beyonce in that role, then you are not playing the part right. That role is the juiciest part in the thing and she pulled it off.

However, is that really "great" singing. Her voice is powerful and everything, but it's also the kind of singing I (and I think a lot of people) hate. I used to call it the "Johnny Gill syndrome". Now you may know it as a case of the Jessica's (Simpson), or "Mariah-itis". As you know, I went to several BBD concerts as a youth. Shut up. And Johnny Gill would often open for them. And I hated it because he wouldn't sing the song! I wanna hear "Rub You the Right Way", brother, I don't wanna hear "Rub You the Right Way-y-y-y-eeyyyy-ayyy-ayyy". Maybe that's why I hate American Idol so much. And it shouldn't be a surprise that "Idol" contestant Hudson does it ad nauseum. And they kept saying how she was so much better than Beyonce. I don't think so. There's a reason Jamie Foxx made her lead, and it wasn't just because she's 200 pounds lighter.

All right, let's move on to Eddie. I love Eddie. Well, that's not true. I love '80's Eddie. I despise "Daddy Day Care"/over-actor/sell out Eddie. No one should be surprised he's good in this. He is the most talented dude on the planet. And of course he can sing. Anyone see "Delirious"? But what Eddie doesn't understand is that it's impossible for anyone who has seen his comedy to take him seriously when he sings. He has a great voice, but he uses that voice to do great jokes. So everytime he sings I'm waiting for "Tito get me a tissue. Jermaine stop teasing", or "Too hot in the hot tub!". You can't mix your comedy moves and your singing moves, cause once you do you can never go back. If you didn't think of "James Brown Celebrity Hot Tub" during his last singing scene, then you have never seen "James Brown Celebrity Hot Tub" and I feel sad for you.

And finally, Beyonce. She's hot. And good. And I love when she does that ghetto thing with her neck and the finger point. She's a star. I don't think she's a real actress though, but she's perfect for this type of movie.

One random thing about the film - it features one of the goofiest sequences I've ever seen in a movie. The Dreams are in a recording session. Effie (Hudson) is singing her backup vocals too loud. There's a fight, she's upset about being second fiddle, she says she's not going to take it anymore and storms out. Jamie Foxx follows her out and they walk outside into...a riot. A full blown, shit on fire, gunshots everywhere riot. It was crazy. And they were still rehearsing in there! So they've had this big fight and they walk into a riot, and Effie turns around, holds her stomach and goes: " I don't feel well", and hugs Jamie. Two seconds ago they were fighting! Now they're in the middle of a riot! You have to see it, it was insane.

The last thing I want to talk about is corniness. I don't think I'm on the same page with America on this one, but I think that I'm right. There's a weird thing going on and I'm not sure what it's all about. I feel like entertainment has evolved throughout the years, and when stuff doesn't follow where that evolution has taken us, it's corny. For instance, I watch "Growing Pains" a lot. It's from the '80's and I know it's from the 80's but that's okay. However, if it was aired right now on ABC as a brand new show, I would be confused and I would say "What the hell? That shit is corny". And yet two of the most popular shows on TV right now are "American Idol" and "Dancing with the Stars". That shit is corny. I don't get it. Why don't people agree with me on this? "American Idol" used to do Coke commercials during the show with kids drinking old fashioned Coke bottles and singing next to a red Cadillac. I half expected Eddie Haskell to walk in and tell Paula how great she looked. And ball room dancing with Lisa Rinna?! On a major network in 2006? That's corny. And popular. And just so you don't think I'm only labeling things corny that involve singing and dancing, consider this fact: Howie Mandel is a network TV star right now.

Well, now "Dreamgirls" joins the corny club. But at least it has an excuse. It's based on something that was done in the mid-80's. Shouldn't they update it though? I think it's very possible to be TOO loyal to the source material. This is the update, people let's step into this decade, or at least go all the way with it and have a character named Boner ("Growing Pains" reference).

Did I mention I didn't like the movie? Just making sure.