"The Bachelor", Episode V

I’m so pissed. I needed to eat dinner, get my haircut, go to the bank, pay my bills, watch the last two weeks of “Lost”, watch the season finale of “Friday Night Lights”, watch last week’s “Heroes”…but instead I got off work at 10, didn’t get to do any of that stuff, including eat dinner, and then I got home to find that one of the Lost’s and the “Friday Night Lights” got erased, and now all I have time to do is watch “The Bachelor” and write this. Yes, I am a whiny bitch. And speaking of whiny bitches…

For some reason, the episode started at 9:45. How do you expect a show to get good ratings when you do that? I don’t get it. However, I don’t think it matters. Apparently, they are already in pre-production on next seasons “Bachelor”.

Andy takes the six girls on “his” yacht. Andy is wearing pants and flip flops, I have no opinion about this, but I think I’ve gone out with girls who would call that lame.

Bevin invites Andy to go kayaking and the other girls get pissed. Now that Evil Stephanie is gone, BBD has stepped into the “I’m not here to make friends” mode. Andy thinks BBD is “dope”, but the other girls think she’s “poison”. Sorry, couldn’t resist.

Good Stephanie gets a one on one date and they go wine tasting. Andy makes some bad analogy about how wine blending is like relationships or some such.

The other one on date is going to be with Tessa. So BBD complains that she’s never had a solo date – damn, she complains a lot. Bitch, you had all that hospital time when you tripped, and then you had that date where you cried about your stupid ankle, and then you had the kayak, so shut the hell up.

BUT, BBD has a secret! She’s been married! Oh my God, a divorcee! “Hi, The Bachelor producers, 1950 called and they want their taboos back”. Who cares? This show is so old fashioned with that stuff. Meanwhile, their dousing the girls with boos and putting them into hot tubs.

Meanwhile back on the date with Good Stephanie, Andy tries to, you know, actually talk to her about stuff. She literally can’t think of one thing to say. It’s embarrassing and sad. But Andy explains that it’s because she’s 23 and that’s how 23 year olds are. That’s why I only go out with girls who are 24 and up, they have goals and know how to talk in complete sentences and shit.

Back at the house, a huge shocker – BBD is crying again. “Girl, I must warn you” that you’re annoying.

She tries to tell Amber that Amber’s too young for Andy. Amber tells her to step off. “Word to the mutha” (I could do BBD lyrics forever, but I’ll stop now). No matter how true it is, it always looks bad for older girls to try and tell younger girls what they should be doing. Even when you’re right in saying it, you shouldn’t say it, cause you just look like a bitter older lady, or in BBD’s case, a bitter old divorcee.

The second group date is working at a kindergarten and fixing up a playground.

People don’t agree with me that Amber is cute. I must stress that she is cute for this season, tell me which of the girls is better looking? You could argue Good Stephanie, but I don’t think anyone else. And my friend Drew, before you say Tessa, let me just say that you are wrong.

There’s all this boring stuff where they fix up the playground and then the kids come out and play on it, and then everyone talks about how the other is going to make such a great mom/dad. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss Evil Stephanie.

Andy comes over to pick up Tessa for their date. He brings jewelry for her to wear, and of course, the girls flip out. Greed and materialism is good, but divorce is wrong.

Tessa says it’s the most “beautiful set of diamond necklace, bracelet, and ear rings I’d ever seen. And something about that felt so special and good”. Oh, women. What do you have to say for yourselves?

Andy takes Tessa to Nicole Miller and the producers loan her a dress for the night. It’s so funny because Tessa says “pinch me”, and then when they go to dinner Andy says “pinch me”. Aw, how…gay. It’s Cinderella and Cinderfella.

Tessa plays the whole “I don’t know about his whole reality show thing”, funny she didn’t feel that way when she went on all the auditions. It totally works on Andy. Man, he loves drama. Did I say this before? He is a drama queen in the truest sense of the expression.

Andy is leaning towards BBD over Tina because, and he really did say this, while he has “the most amazing conversations with Tina”, BBD is “just so into me”. That seems like sound reasoning for choosing a life partner.

ROSE CEREMONY

BBD is in. I don’t know what would be worse for Andy, coming out of the closet while on a Navy submarine in the middle of the Pacific Ocean , or having to live with Bevin for one day.

Amber gets a rose. I think she’s just filler at this point, it’s really just BBD and…

Tessa. No surprise, these two seem to be genuinely in love. Sorry, Drew.

And in a HUGE upset of Golden St. Warrior proportions, Danielle gets a rose. What the hell? Experts had it as a two way race between Tina and Good Stephanie, but neither figured in the final verdict.

What do you think if you’re Tina right now? “Well, I guess we just had too many interesting conversations. Maybe I should have faked an injury, cried more, and let him graze my boobs.”

I’m really surprised by Danielle, we haven’t really seen or heard from her much at all. It’s weird. Plus, she only looks good at the rose ceremonies. She’s a two face supreme. I guess she’s the dark horse since we don’t know anything about her.

But really, it seems like it’s BBD vs. Tessa, and there’s no way BBD is holding up the rest of the way. A breakdown is coming. Although with Andy, he’ll probably react by marrying her on the spot.

Thanks for reading! Goodnight!

Thirties

It was my birthday this weekend and I went down to the beach in San Diego to celebrate with a bunch of my friends (which is a 5 year old tradition). It was awesome, except I kept on thinking about something Jessica wrote last year. She said that when you turn 30, you're 30, but when you turn 31, you're in you thirties. Thanks for depressing me with that.

I'm in my thirties, and it hurts. Actually, I think it's my entire body that's hurting from all the beach sports that were played. You see, when you're in your thirties, such as I am, the need for extensive calisthenics becomes absolutely mandatory before any physical activity. Getting old sucks.

Before I drove down, I went to Jiffy Lube and got the oil changed in my car. The "mechanic" had the hood up and called me over to discuss the situation. And by discuss the situation I mean he was going to try and get me to pay to fix things that were perfectly fine. I know absolutely nothing about cars, but whatever the guy is offering, I always say no. I don't even think a rear drivetrain shaft is a real thing.

So he calls me over and he goes "Mr. Handleman" and looks at my name a second time, "Handleman...shalom!". What the fuck? Shalom? I don't know if this guy was a fellow brotha or just trying to befriend me before stiffing me with a bunch of bullshit car reparis. But anyway, I just started cracking up.

Then I'm sitting in the waiting room and a black guy in front of me is about to pay his bill. A tiny little latina (she couldn't have been more than 5 feet and 90 pounds) is helping him. But I guess as he's looking out to where they change the oil, he sees one of the "mechanics" put his (the black guy's) hat on. And he loses. his. mind! This is pretty much what he says:

"What? Oh no! That motherfucker just put my hat on! That's my personal property, you can't put another man's hat on! That's my grandfather's hat, my grandfather gave me that hat and that motherfucker just put it on his head!"

Oh, it was great. The little girl didn't know what to do, she was just looking up at him like "oh shit". And then the suspect in the hat try-on came out, and this is what was said:

BLACK GUY: Just admit what you did!
MECHANIC: I'm sorry, sir.
BG: But do you admit that you did it?
M: No, but I said I'm sorry.
BG: But you're not sorry cause you're saying you didn't do it. Just admit that you did it and then we can go from there, so did you do it?
M: I'm sorry, sir.
BG: I didn't hear you! Did you put on my hat? My grandfather's hat? That's my personal property, what you trying it on for? Admit that you tried it on!

And it went on for awhile. Then the manager came out, and this is what happened:

MANAGER: I didn't see it, sir, but we are very sorry.
BG: That was my grandfather's hat!
M: I understand that and we apologize.
BG: So, is my bill still going to be $109 dollars?
M: Well...
BG: You tried on my grandfather's hat, am I still going to have to pay $109 dollars?
M: We can knock off $10 dollars.
BG Okay then.

It's perhaps not as funny in written form, but trust me, it was great. And I consider it Jiffy Lube's present to me. Shalom!

The Hair

Thinking about this keeps making me laugh for some reason, so here goes...

I was reading the Entertainment Weekly Summer Movie Preview, and there was an article about Angelina Jolie's next movie, "A Mighty Heart". It's about the wife of Daniel Pearl, Marianne.

Marianne is a good looking gal. Obviously, she's not as beautiful as Angelina Jolie, no one is (in my opinion). And it's gotta be flattering having the hottest girl in the world play you. However, it also must be difficult.

Why is it difficult? Because the hot girl playing you is screwing up her appearance to get to your level. But it's not like they had to put on a bunch of makeup, or a prosthetic nose, or anything radical to give her your look. All they did was this:

They slap on a wig that mimics your fucked up hair.

So the question is...how quickly do you get your ass to the salon and fix it? And for the movie's sake, are you even allowed to fix it? And do you change it to make it look like Angelina Jolie's normal hair? And when did I start using the word salon?

But seriously, you have to think to yourself: "Okay, the sexiest woman alive is playing me. All they did to make her not hot is give her my hairdo." You HAVE to think that.

If Brad Pitt was playing me, and they did nothing but put a jewfro on him, I'd run down to Supercuts and have them shave off the jewfro. I still wouldn't look like Brad Pitt, but at least I wouldn't have the thing that's automatically making him not as good looking as Brad Pitt.

All right, it's late. I think I'm delirious. I'm going bed. But tomorrow, I am shaving off the jewfro.

The Bachelor, Episode IV

The girls gather in the morning and Chris Harrison tells them that they will be going…with Andy…on a private jet…to Lake Tahoe! They scream, and then ask where Lake Tahoe is. Evil Stephanie thinks it’s in Oregon. Hey, it’s Evil Stephanie, not Geography Professor Stephanie.

Tina complains about having to “group date”, saying “it’s not what I’m used to”. Cause the other girls gang bang guys all the time.

Andy shows the girls their suite. They scream…and then Evil Stephanie says she can’t eat sweets. Just kidding.

Bell Bevin Devoe, BBD, cries about her ankle injury and feels sorry for herself, and Amber says she’s milking it for sympathy. Well, that might not be such a bad idea, I mean, she is trying to win the heart of Florence Nightingale.

The first group date is gambling.

BBD keeps pouting so Andy takes her aside. She cries some more. Is that a sprained ankle or cancer? Get over it! I haven’t seen this much drama over a leg injury since last year’s World Cup.

Andy kisses her and gives her a creepy pep talk about electricity. Coincidentally, I’m shocked that he was able to kiss her.

The other 3 girls on the date are left alone and aren’t happy about it. Step up your game, bitches, pull a hammy or something.

“Good” Stephanie takes a page from BBD’s book and pouts while they gamble. Florence notices her and pulls her away. Nice move. She’s kinda cute, when she’s not fake crying. Andy says he’s happy that “she finally showed (him) some vulnerability tonight”. Man, this dude loves projects.

Think about it though, if you're a girl and had your shit together and were actually cool, you would get eliminated by him in about two seconds. You HAVE to cry, or at least be a gimp.

And guess what he does next to prove my point? He chooses BBD for the “special quality time”. Lame. He said she missed a date and “has been a trooper”. He just wanted an excuse to carry a chick around like Ryan Atwood carried Marissa Cooper in Tijuana.

Andy tells BBD that he’s going to try to be an astronaut and then lays a smooch down. I’ve used the ole’ astronaut line a time or two myself.

Andy asks BBD where she’ll be a year from now, with the additional question of “if I’m in Hawaii, where are you gonna be?” She says “Hawaii”. Hi, it’s your second date. This is why I should be the Bachelor, because if I asked the same question and the girl said “Hawaii”, I would say “you’re not getting a rose, you’re creepy.”

The second group date is playing in the snow. It includes the evil one, Kate, Tina, and Tessa.

Kate says she hates snow and has a bad attitude. She falls a lot. She will be eliminated this episode, no doubt.

Evil Stephanie tells us of her willingness to throw other girls “under the bus”. Duh, that’s why your Evil Stephanie. She starts talking shit to Andy about Amber. Hmm, what a coincidence... Amber has the one on one date later.

Andy calls jealousy a “rampant beast”, he should replace “jealousy” with “Stephanie”.

Kate claims that Amber said that Andy tried to kiss her but she wasn’t going for it, or so says her sister’s roommate’s cousin’s dog.

Andy chooses Tina for the “special quality time”. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I don’t get Tina. This is one point where me and the evil one whole heartedly agree.

Andy tells Tina that he likes that she’s herself and doesn’t play games and that she’s “not gonna put on a show”. Tina’s the one who on the first night sang him the national anthem, right? In fairness to Tina though, that wasn't really a show, it was more of a cringe inducing awkward fest.

It’s one on one date time with Amber, who has been freaking out over it.

Last week I declared Amber the dark horse and the only cute on left. I pretty much stand by that, although Good Stephanie and BBD are okay (though neither are my type). Some of you disagree with me about Amber, but it’s not exactly America’s Next Top Model in that house. Hell, it’s barely even Flava of Love.

They go to a stone cabin, a fire is blazing in the fire place. They have dinner and drink wine. Amber says to Andy that “I’ve been forward with you since day one”.

Amber does her best to dispel the rumors that she’s talking shit. Andy seems to buy it, and although she seems honest, she comes across as, how do I put this delicately, dumb.

Guess what? Her chyron says that she’s a teacher. Oh boy, I hope when she teaches she’s straight forward with the little boys, and not forward with them.

Hot tub Alert!

Andy grabs the rose and gives it to her. Then he gives her the tongue. It seems like these two are closer than the producers have led us to believe.

Evil Stephanie is losing her mind, it’s fantastic. She wears a boob dress, and tells Andy that Amber isn’t right for him.

It is revealed near the end of the episode that Evil Stephanie is in fact not the most evil one in the house! It’s Kate!!! She’s a psycho hose beast! She spreads lies about people just for sport. Wow. And she’s really good at it. This is the best acting I’ve seen on ABC since Denny died.

Women, you need to answer for yourselves. Guys would not do this shit. There’s a reason most women aren’t going to vote for Hillary Clinton. Y’all know what you’re capable of, and you’re frightened.

Tessa tries the crying technique and it works like a charm. This guy is a drama queen. I mean, he likes drama queens.

ROSE CEREMONY

Tessa gets one, of course.

Danielle, in a shocking upset, gets a rose. She didn’t even cry! Lazy bitch.

BBD, a no-brainer. When she returns to the group with her rose, Lori says “carry it close, okay?”. I have no idea what this means, does it have something to do with not being cocky with your rose? I don’t know.

Tina is in. I DON”T GET IT.

It’s down to Good Stephanie and Evil Stephanie, and it goes to…

Good Stephanie! Yeah! Bye, bye, evil one.

And actually, bye, bye to Kate, the real evil one. We hardly knew ya, Catty McBackstab.

Lori cries about her fate. First of all, you should’ve cried BEFORE the rose ceremony. Second of all, you should just be happy you got a free trip to Tahoe out of the deal.

Evil one says a few words but I don’t hear them, because the two giant rocks on her chest are blocking the camera. Even her boobs are evil.

Goodnight!

Soup Days

I went to a good friend's wedding this weekend in Palm Springs. A different good friend got married in December, another the October before that, and another the July before that. I am the last man standing. The last single man standing - Irwin "Third Wheel" Handleman.

Anyway, the wedding was a lot of fun, especially because there were a lot of funny people there. Check it out:




There's one of the funniest people around. And to the right is Joel McHale.

It was great to see Joel again. In 2004 I was hired to help write the pilot of "The Soup". I remember them showing me the auditions for host, and Joel was in the final three. Some E! hacks wrote a crappy script for the people auditioning to read, and Joel took it and ad libbed and absolutely killed it.

He was hired a couple days later and we shared an office together. Two days before the pilot was supposed to be taped, the Vice President of E! fired the Executive Producer and head writer. That left Joel and I to write the entire thing. We did it and E! gave us the green light and the rest is basic cable history.

I was on it for 8 months, and we had an amazing staff. We actually couldn't understand that we were good because we were at E!. It was always like "i guess we're good...for E!". That place gives you low self esteem. It's like Lindsay Lohan's dad.

It was a pretty easy gig. The hardest part was getting funny jokes on the air. We would write a hilarious first draft of the script, and the executives would cut out every joke that had any bite. Then we had to write a million jokes to replace those jokes and hope that what they let something on the air that was actually funny. The bitter employees of E! call this watered down, sad form of funny "E-musing".

After the first season, the President of E! decided that everyone working on the show wasn't funny and didn't bring any of us back (except for Joel, of course). This was a huge setback in my career because if there's one thing the President of E! knows, it's comedy. I mean, he is the man who gave us Chelsea Handler.

Well, everyone has done well since, including Joel. In fact, my friend (the groom) and I had a bitter conversation with Joel about how when we were on the show no one liked him, and now everyone LOVES him.

Anyway, the wedding was fun, even though it means I'm the last single man standing and the perpetual third wheel. I guess I could always settle down. Naw, I think I'd rather stab myself in the eye.

I hate Unions (but I’m trying to join one)

(WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS VERY LITTLE COMEDY)

I don’t want to bore you all with the details of this, but I know my family wants an update and my writer friends who read this should hear about it…

First, a summary of how TV writing works.

The writers on all scripted network shows belong to the Writers Guild. And by networks I mean ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, and the CW. That means the writers have minimum salaries, health benefits, a pension fund, and residuals from reruns. Most of the shows on basic cable – MTV, Comedy Central, VH1, E!, etc., are not guild. That means no benefits, no residuals, etc.

The reason basic cable isn’t union is because a) the Writers Guild sucks, and b) when basic cable started they weren’t doing scripted shows. But now of course, they are. However, it takes a fight to get these basic cable outlets to go Guild because they’re certainly not going to do it voluntarily. So right now they are making craploads of money and not pay us like real employees. It’s all “freelance”, which translates to “you work your ass off for us and we’ll pay you week to week and not give you any benefits”. It’s tough, especially when you work for a show year round and aren’t treated as a real employee.

This situation leads to bizarre circumstances like this: my friend used to write for “Blue Collar TV”, which originally ran on the WB, so it was a guild show. The reruns were purchased by Comedy Central and now run on that network. So at 10:00 a rerun of “Mind of Mencia” comes on, and at 10:30, a rerun of “Blue Collar” comes on. I get no money for the rerun, my friend gets a check in the mail. What the fuck? My show gets better ratings, and yet I get nothing for the same thing.

So all of this puts me in an uncomfortable position: the front lines of this bullshit. Comedy Central is going to go Guild eventually, it’s inevitable. But because it hasn’t happened yet, I’m suddenly the guy waging the war. I have to sacrifice my time and energy and livelihood for the benefit of the future Comedy Central writers. This is especially shitty for me because I hate the Writers Guild so much, as documented here and here. But I want benefits!

Over the course of past few months, the writers of all of the shows on Comedy Central have organized. We have met once a week and strategized on how to make this happen.

A quick side note: “The Daily Show” is a guild show. Why? Because Jon Stewart has major muscle. Last year he essentially made the network do it for him. But the other shows do not have as much power. That’s right, Comedy Central we’ll do it for him but not for us. It’s so great to be respected.

Anyway, the first step in the process of going guild is for all of the writers to sign cards that say “we want to the Writers Guild to be recognized as our union”. You have to have 80 percent of your writers sign these cards, we have 100 percent of all current shows in production (except for “South Park”, which is another story). Even the hosts of these shows have signed cards, including David Spade and Sarah Silverman.

Once the cards are given to the network, negotiations can begin.

We thought it would be polite to call Comedy Central before dropping the cards to let them know that this was happening. They told us not to give the cards, to keep this on the down low, and maybe some negotiations could happen behind the scenes. They told us that this would be better politically and keep things friendly. We said okay, but they kept on pushing back phone calls and were clearly stalling. We decided it was time to “drop” the cards.

So today a delegation of writers from all the shows met up and went to the Comedy Central offices with the cards. We somehow managed to get in the building and go up to their offices on the 40th floor. We went into the waiting room and asked to speak with the lawyer to give her the cards.

Her assistant came out and was confused (there were 12 of us dorks in the lobby). We explained the situation to her but she acted dumb. She said that her boss was in a meeting and she couldn’t take anything from us. We told her that we weren’t leaving until we gave her boss the cards.

She left. 20 minutes went by. Then a different guy came out, he said he was the office manager. He told us that he couldn’t take anything, that the lawyer AND the lawyer’s assistant were in meetings, and they couldn’t be reached. We restated that we weren’t leaving, and they would have to deal with us or else we’d be camping out in their waiting room. Crazy shit!

He leaves. 45 minutes go by. It’s clear, no one is coming out. Phone calls are made. So are threats. We call the president of the network and leave a message (we knew the lawyer wouldn’t like that, she wanted to keep it “between us”).

Finally, we reach the lawyer who said she’d be willing to come out to talk to us at 1:30 (we got there at 11am) for a “meet and greet”. But there was an insinuation that she wasn’t going to take the cards.

We sit for an hour and a half. We order some pizzas. Pizzas come in to the Comedy Central waiting room and are delivered to us. Crazy shit! Just as we start to eat, the lawyer makes an appearance. She seems to be scared shitless (we’re comedy writers! What are going to do, nerd her to death?). We offer her a slice, she accepts.

She tells us she won’t accept the cards. If she does, then it’s an admission by the network that they recognize the union. They don’t want to do it. So we just wasted 3 hours, but at least we got a pizza out of it.

It’s so bizarre. We work our asses off for the company, and yet we were treated like the enemy today. The lawyer we talked to also works for Comedy Central, and guess what? She gets benefits. So why don’t we?

Now, I just want to say that I love my job. And I love Comedy Central. And the last thing I want to do is complain about things. However, this situation is just stupid and everyone, even Comedy Central, knows it. Every department on our show is union - the editors, the costumers, makeup, stage crew - everyone. All, except for the writers. And we're not asking for anything more than what they have. So despite my hatred of unions, to get what's normal and fair, I have to fight for one. I hate it.

Things are going to get ugly. I’ll keep you posted.

The Bachelor, Episode III

And we’re back…

Some Drill Sergeant type yells at the girls and wakes them up early in the morning. Chris Harrison tells them they have to go boot camp so they can have a “taste” of what Sandy Duncan had to go through in the Navy. So I guess that would include various exercises, learning to tie knots, and getting intimately involved with seamen.

The girls clean and exercise and get yelled at a lot. Apparently, the Drill Sergeant gets to decide who gets a rose. When looking for the perfect mate, I also find calisthenics to be a high priority.

Ugh…why do the “Bachelor” producers feel the need to do so much producing. It’s a simple equation, put the girls in a room, give them alcohol, and let the cat fighting begin. We don’t need anything else.

Bell Bevin Devoe goes down with an ankle injury. To make her feel better, Andy gives her the rose. And that’s why the Chinese are gaining on us, folks.

Despite some concern (jealousy) from the girls, Bell Bevin Devoe will continue on with the show.

There’s a group date to a spa, which means of course, bikinis. Can I get some feedback on this guy’s body, please? Seriously, I haven’t seen anything like it since Jean Claude Van Damm in “Bloodsport”.

Stephanie, the “I’m not here to make friends” girl, is all over Andy. The other girls are jealous. Especially the Asian one. Hey I got an idea, why don’t you sing the national anthem to him? Oh wait, you already did that.

I think that Amber is the cutest girl. She’s a possible sleeper.

Stephanie W., the blonde Stephanie, gets chosen for some “extra special quality” time. They get a massage together. "Evil" Stephanie is pissed. Maybe she should try getting implants and throwing herself at him every second. Oh wait...

The second group date is racing cars. Erin, the future Playboy Playmate/Paulie Shore girlfriend gets some alone time with him. Can we please discuss the fact that it says she’s a financial analyst? That’s as believable as Evil Stephanie being 26 years old. She entices Andy with talk of shooting guns, that’s some bad timing. And also, lame.

Danielle gets some alone time, and what does she talk about? Her dead boyfriend, for the tenth time. It’s sad and everything, but that’s not first or second date material.

The girls race for alone time. Shockingly, Erin can’t drive a stick. She and Andy have nothing in common.

Even so, Andy picks Erin for the alone time. They take a drive in his Back to the Future car, it’s all very awkward. Andy wants Erin to come out of her shell, and Erin wants the same from him. Except replace shell with closet.

The final date is with two girls – Payton, the blonde Sorority coordinator (I can’t believe I just typed that), and Tessa, the partly Asian one from San Francisco. One will get a rose and the other will go home. I think both should leave. He’s about a million times better looking than me, and I wouldn’t go out with either of them (not that looks are everything, but they’re something).

They go on a Navy ship and Andy shows the girls his hatch.

I love the establishing shots and the music this season. It makes me feel like I’m watching a Jack Ryan movie. “This summer…The Hogan Family’s Sandy Duncan stars in…The Hunt for the Patriot’s Hatch”.

He cries and chooses Tessa over Payton. She is sad. I guess the best thing for her to do to get over the rejection is throw herself into her work. You know, hazing freshman, planning rush week, and organizing wet T-shirt contests.

The goodbye to Payton is unusually long and emotional and it’s not clear why. It feels like the end of the series or something. I rewound the TiVo and the whole thing was 6 minutes long. Weird.

Kate says that she felt pressured because Andy wants to see her serious side. She says “what do you want me to do? Rescue an orphan from a fire?” You know those orphans, always accidentally setting things ablaze. She must be a big fan of “The Outsiders”. That’s a 25 year old reference, ladies and gentlemen.

Andy finally kisses someone…sorta. It’s Bell Bevin Devoe. Some of you have claimed that he’s a perv, but really all he does is awkwardly grab girls around the shoulder, pull them close, and then turn his head away. That’s about it. Even this kiss was more of a pecking. Pervs touch boobs, or at least stare at them.

THE ROSE CEREMONY

Amber gets a rose! Look out for her, she’s under the radar.

Dead boyfriend Danielle gets a rose. I’m telling you, that’s a bigger red flag than virgin.

“Good” Stephanie gets a rose. Evil Stephanie is angry.

Asian Tina gets a rose. I’m just not getting her. At all.

Kate gets one. Thank God she saved that orphan.

Nicole is in. Surprising, since we didn’t see her the entire episode.

And the final rose goes to…Evil Stephanie. Damn, I thought he was on to her. Guess not. Erin is left out, that hurts. I guess that conversation in the car was as awkward for Andy as it was for me.

And it looks like next week the producers finally heed my advice, and the cat fighting begins!

This Drives Me Insane

I just saw this article on msnbc.com:

TV SHOWS THAT SHOULD BE CANCELLED

“Lost”
Let’s be honest: The only reason to watch “Lost” any more is to see how it ends, so let’s just end it now and then we can all relax. The show’s producers recently said they were talking to ABC about planning a firm end date for the show, which would help the show’s writers avoid having to create newer and more banal, pseudo-intellectual mysteries. Most importantly, the network needs to stop wasting the talents of its amazing, capable cast. This season, characters were ignored for weeks on end with no real payoff. It’s time for “Lost’s” castaways to find their way home, or not, just as long as they do something.

What the fuck?! Why do people feel the need to put out garbage like this? The first sentence totally contradicts he is saying:

"The only reason to watch "Lost" any more is to see how it ends".

Uh, that seems like a pretty good reason. That means you actually give a shit, which is usually a good thing when you're watching something. Also in the first sentence:

"so let's just end it now and then we can all relax".

So you mean the show has you worked up and you won't be able to relax until it's over? So you're actually engaged in the story and the characters? How many shows can you say that about? Sorry that "Lost" has got you so invested in it, sorry you want to know what happens, sorry you can't relax until it's over. What a shitty show. Let's hope it gets canceled so we can back to shows we don't give a shit about.

I Finally Watched "Lost"/"Sopranos" Fact Checking

"You want answers?"
"I think I'm entitled to them."
"You want answers?"
"I want the truth!"

There you go, "Lost" doubters. There was an episode with some answers. It was cool how they could use flashbacks to stuff that happened in the first season and have it all make sense. It restored some faith that these guys might actually know what they're doing.

The only thing that's annoying to me now is that certain questions aren't being asked of Juliet. I don't care how much dirt she had on me, I would hold her down and demand how she knew all of it! How does she know about Sawyer killing the guy? And Sayid torturing everybody? How the hell do they have cable TV?

Anyway, a good episode and the rest of the season looks great. But I did hear a rumor that after this season, it might not come on again until January. And then they would play all the episodes straight through without reruns. That sucks. I'll take the reruns, just give me a show in September.

--------------------------------

A couple weeks ago my friend and I were talking about how there's nothing good on TV Sunday nights. It used to be one of the best nights, and now there is nothing. I guess we forgot about HBO. Cause now there's "The Sopranos" and "Entourage".

"The Sopranos" was great tonight, especially the stuff about "Cleaver". What made me laugh the most though was this exchange:

CARMELA
What about the "story by" credit for Christopher Maltisante that came on at the end of the movie? I didn't see that?

CHRISTOPHER
That was just for the Writers Guild, so I could get health insurance.

Well, I happen to be a guy who has a "story by" credit on a movie. Unfortunately, you don't get health insurance for that. Did I say I was laughing during that part? I meant crying.

And yes, Jamie Lynn Sigler is hot in person. And no, I didn't have enough 7 and 7's to actually talk to her.

I'm on TV as a Gay Man On Sunday

I think that the title of this post says it all. If you'd like to laugh at my questionable sexuality, there's a still photo of me on the show on Sunday, Comedy Central, 10pm. It's right after the monologue.

It's been another rough week. I haven't had time to write anything, much less play any webboggle. Please do not click on that link. It will fuck you for the rest of your life, trust me. It's like Pandora's box, only once you open it a bunch of stupid 3 and 4 letter words pop out and infest your brain. But if you must, don't say I didn't warn you.

Haven't been able to watch "Lost" yet, heard it was a good one.

I also haven't been able to eat dinner in the last two weeks. Either we don't order or we do order and it's chinese food. It's depressing. I need fuel for the funny, people.

I actually wrote something last week but so far I've been too embarrassed to post it. Surprisingly, that's the first time that's ever happened (a lot of my shit is embarrassing, and also, see above gay photo thing). It's funny but it weirds me out when I read it. I'm trying my best to talk myself into it, we'll see how that goes.

Did anyone see "30 Rock" last week? I thought it was freaking hilarious. A Tribute to Fireworks! And I loved when Tracy talked about the old bit he used to do about how black people dial the phone differently than white people.

I've worked with Mario Lopez not once, but TWICE in the last week. Suck on that, Mr. Belding. (By the way, and I know you're gonna make fun of me for this, but he's damn talented. Also, a nice guy and a good sport, along with being very dimply)

I'm hanging out over at the Jimmy Kimmel show tomorrow night and I'm kinda stoked. They have a legendary green room there that is like a bar, only the drinks are free and Jamie Lynn Sigler will be there. I wonder how many 7 and 7's it will take to give me the strength to talk to her.

Goodnight.

The Bachelor, Episode II

I don’t want to be “Bachelor” only here, but work is kicking my ass right now and I haven’t been able to eat dinner much less have anything funny to write. It’s amazing how hard I have to work when we just steal all our material. Anyway, onto the show…

It’s an hour and a half? What the fuck? ABC must be hard up for programming. But will I stop watching? Hell no. It’s a super-sized Bachelor!

It’s good to see the girls in regular clothes and semi-sober. They actually look better than they did in their dresses and three sheets to the wind.

Peter Pan rolls up in his car, which has wings - it has doors that go up – much like Marty McFly’s. Many of you are appalled by his wheels, but in the credits it says “Bachelor car provided by Saleen”. So don’t blame him, blame the producers.

He says “operation soul mate is about to begin”. I wonder when “operation discover your sexuality” will start.

They take a tour bus down the sunset strip. They probably didn’t take his car or else they would’ve ended up in 1955.

They go to Saddleranch and the girls ride the bull. Subtle, Bachelor Producers, subtle. Andy says that watching the girls was “totally turning me on”. I think he’s talking about the bull.

The girls get dressed up and meet Andy on a roof. For some reason, they walk out together in slow motion. It’s like Reservoir Dogs…but with insecure famewhores.

None of the girls on this first group date seem to be that attractive. Some very questionable picks - it seems like they get girls who are tall and very skinny but not pretty, which I am against. I’m anti-tall and pro-face.

Alexis gets some one on one time and apparently she’s conservative. She was also home schooled. Are they setting us up for something here? I’m feeling a little Sadie action.

The girls get into bikinis to go in the hot tub. The best body of the bunch? Andy. No straight man has abs like that! Also, a tan in the dead of winter!

There’s this awesomely awkward moment when Andy takes his shirt off as the girls walk up, and they all put their hands on his body and he squirms away, like he’s their little brother and all he wants is for them to go away.

Andy takes Bell Bevin Devoe into the pool for some alone time and they makeout under water. What’s with this show and making out under water?

Andy chooses Tiffany for some alone-alone time. Her body is fairly ridiculous, and sometimes she’s cute. She looks like a less round, pre-eye job Katie Couric. Except she has absolutely nothing to say and totally blows it. Whoops.

Second group date. Erin and Susan are two blonde girls who look a lot alike. They’re both hot, but perhaps not the sharpest tools. Erin’s chyron says that she is a “financial analyst”. I think MC Hammer used her (that’s the best reference I could come up with, I’m tired).

The girls have to do a mini-triathlon and compete for Andy’s love. Amber wins. She’s 23 and a teacher. So take heart in knowing that a whole generation of kids are learning how to run, bike, and swim in order to get a guy’s attention.

Stephanie tries on slutty outfits in preparation for her one on one date – what she lacks in natural breasts she makes up for in bulimia. Her revealing dress and cocky attitude pisses off the other girls. I guess we’ve got our “I’m not trying to make friends” girl. It wouldn’t be a season of the Bachelor without her.

Andy and Stephanie go on a boat for their date and do the Titanic thing. Unfortunately, it’s not the part where they plunge into the icy waters.

Meanwhile the rest of the girls sit at home and whine about Stephanie. Don’t hate, bitches. You could’ve got fake boobs too.

Hold the phone! Remember when I said only a gay man could have abs like that? I was wrong. Stephanie has them too! Damn. There’s a combined 24 pack in the hot tub. Upon seeing this, Andy hands over the rose, and Stephanie hands over her tongue.

The audio is bad on this part, but when Stephanie gets home the girls are talking shit about her breasts. I had to rewind it like 10 times, but they say something like “she says she didn’t have fake boobs and she does”, and then Amber says “they’re weird” or something. Oh women, can’t you all just get along? No, you can’t. Good luck, Hillary.

Virgin alert! Stephanie claims that Alexis is a virgin, and does a Mike Wallace job trying to get it out of her. Alexis doesn’t cop to it but does a weird eyebrow twitch that reveals everything. It’s a high point of the show.

However, Stephanie (she took over this show) falsely claims that guys LOVE virgins, “what guy wouldn’t like that?”. I’ve dispelled this way too many times so I won’t go over it again, but I will say this: Shut up, Stephanie.

There’s a bunch of little conversations with all the girls, Tessa has a mild breakdown for no reason, and we’re on to the Rose Ceremony:

Tessa gets the first one. She should’ve saved the breakdown for next week when she actually gets eliminated.

Danielle is in, still riding high on that “my boyfriend died” card.

Bell Bevin Devoe gets one after freaking out all show about how she wasn’t getting enough alone time. First of all, she has to be lying about her age. Second, she totally reminds me of the “my ovaries are rotting” chick, a Bachelor hall of famer.

Amber is in, a no brainer after she won the grueling mini-triathlon that took place in a pool against women who “didn’t want to get (their) hair wet”.

Stephanie from Kansas, a tall blonde, gets a rose.

Kate gets one, and I have no idea who this person is. I’ve never seen her before in my life.

Nicole, the little brunette, surprisingly gets one. I do not get her at all. See, this is where he is making a big mistake. You at least have to pick the two blonde bimbettes, just for a couple more bikini opportunities. Then eliminate them when things get serious. What a rookie mistake.

Tina, the asian medical student, gets one. Earlier she told Andy that she “knows that (she’s) not getting a rose”. Now, a quick word on this. I am just one man so take of it what you will, but: Asians are the most insecure of all females. They are really intimidated by white girls. You can not believe me if you like, but this opinion is based on years of Handleman research.

Payton is in. Seems like a nice girl, just not for me.

Amanda gets one. She’s a mix of some kind of asian – I have no idea about the self esteem levels of mixed Asians.

Erin gets one! She’s one half of the blonde bimbettes, and I have no doubt that when she gets eliminated next week, we will find out that she has been hanging out at the Playboy mansion and banging Paulie Shore.

I didn’t even realize it but Alexis got eliminated. He sniffed out the virgin! I told you, Stephanie. We are all relieved at not having to hear anymore of my virgin jokes.

Until next week…

“The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman” Episode 1

The bachelor is named Andy Baldwin, a Navy doctor…and he’s looking for love! Or so says Chris Harrison and the Bachelor producers. In the montage showing off this dude’s abs, they’re playing a very Navy version of “Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong”. It makes me laugh for some reason.

They tease us with “this season will end with these words: ‘will you marry me?’” You know, it actually makes me feel better when the guy doesn’t ask that. Nothing is more fake than saying you’re gonna marry someone you’ve known for 5 weeks on a reality show. It’s more real when they go the promise ring route.

I’m not a girl, but he seems to be a bit of a two face. Sometimes, he’s Tom “Iceman” Kazanski, military stud, and other times, he’s Sandy Duncan as Peter Pan.

Chris Harrison tells us that Sandy Duncan just turned 30. Hmmm, I’m 30. He was almost a Navy Seal, he is a doctor, he travels the globe helping people, he competes in Ironman competitions, and now he’s on the Bachelor. I tell beaner jokes.

The girls roll up in their limos, let the uncomfortableness begin!

Andy gets to give out a first impression rose to a girl he likes the most after meeting them for 2 seconds. Since he gets to do that, I’m gonna give my first impression…

Alexis is 26 and an attorney from Texas. She’s gummy.

Nicole is 26 and a Sales Manager. Don’t know about her yet.

Amanda is 26 and also from Texas. I think the age of 26 is girl for 32.

Peyton is 24, from Tennessee, and the first blonde. I’m thinking friend zone for her.

Catherine is 23 and a former Miss Illinois. She has giant eyes. Even that runaway bride chick would go, “Damn, those are some big ass eyes”.

Amber is 23 and a teacher from, you guessed it, Texas. And Irwin likey! This is the first girl I’ve thought is hot. Obviously, so do the producers, cause while she talks they actually do a cutaway to the rose. Nice work, editors! I’m glad we got a reaction from the rose on that one.

Blakeney is 29 and another southern girl, this time from Alabama. She is what we in the “dude trade” call a butterface. She’s not cute but she is busty. Andy even says “that’s a very nice dress”. Translation: “You are clearly not wearing a bra.

Danielle is (cough) 26, and an attorney from New York. She seems like the smart girl who wishes she was hot.

Jackie is 23 and from Minnesota, and tall. Peter Pan likes her. She’s an attractive lady, and the only with enough guts to ask about the rose sitting next to him.

Stephanie is 23 and from Kansas. I think she gets the makeup award, I’m not confident about what she looks like when she wakes up in the morning.

They keep using the military music throughout. It’s like watching a Jack Ryan movie, except for with less political intrigue and more whores.

Ladies and gentleman, we have an Asian. She’s…26! And a medical student from LA. She gives him a fortune cookie and is awful in every way.

Erin is 24 and from Louisiana. She has fake blonde hair and a bright orange dress. She looks like she should be David Hasselhoff’s next wife for some reason.

Susan is 23 and from…Texas. She’s cute and blonde, and possibly dumb. But cute for now.

Stephanie is 26 (the 2 and 6 are getting worn out on my keyboard). She’s an organ donor coordinator from South Carolina. I don’t think she’s cute at all. But guess what? He gives her the rose. Uh oh, me and Sandy Duncan aren’t going to be friends.

Hold the phone! As Stephanie is walking away with the rose, we can more clearly see her cleavage and…she has giant fake boobs.

Danielle is 25 and from Connecticut. She will not make it to episode 2.

Bevin, you heard me, is 28 and from Palo Alto. She’s kinda hot, I think. Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking. Or maybe it’s because her name is almost a perfect combination of Bell Biv Devoe.

Tessa is 26 and from San Francisco. She looks to be some kind of Asian mix. She tells a joke. It’s not funny, and she’s not making it to episode 2 either.

Candace is 23 and a waitress. I’m not gonna say anything mean about her even though I could.

Jeannette is 27 and from Florida and completely my type. Holy shit, she might as well have Irwin painted on her forehead.

Lindsay is sorta black and from Kansas. She’s miss personality, but we all know how it’s gonna end for Lindsay.

Kate is 24 and from South Carolina and she appears to be wasted. She has a short dress on and is pretty good looking and fun. Let’s hope she doesn’t ruin it by getting sober.

Linda is 33 and for this show, all set for the retirement home. Her biological clock just killed itself.

Tiffany is 27 and from Tennessee. She’s tall and skinny and blonde, and the opposite of all that I find attractive.

Jessica is 32, from New York, and kinda sexy in a tough way. She seems like she would fuck the shit out of him.

Tiffany (yes, two Tiffanys) is from Boston. She’s cute, and you know who she looks like? Julie from “Growing Pains”. If I know my people, then you all know who that is.

And that’s all the girls. Unfortunately for Andy, none of them was Jesse Metcalfe.

Tina says that she knows she’s not the prettiest and doesn’t have the best dress on, but she thought she could show him some talent. So of course she sings him the national anthem. She’s also not the most talented.

On a side note, and I don’t know if anyone else noticed this, but Andy didn’t stand up while she sang it. What the fuck? I don’t know what’s more fake: Andy’s patriotism or his sexuality (sorry).

Lindsay, the sorta black girl who is 22, starts talking shit about the girl who got the first impression rose. Lindsay is hammered, big time. She claims to be “way cuter”, which she isn’t. Maybe she’s hoping a new, bolder approach will get her farther than any other sorta black girl has gone before. I don’t think so.

Blakeney is drunk off her ass too, but I guess, at this point who isn’t. Whoops! As I typed this she fell on her butt, so I guess she was literally drunk off her ass. Why don’t these girls ever learn to not drink so much? Maybe they don’t watch this show as much as I do. Fucking girls with their fucking busy, meaningful, non-TV watching lives.

Lindsay starts talking shit to Blakeney for no reason, and they’re whole fight makes no sense.

Remember when I said that Catherine has huge eyes? Well, she’s got nothing on Linda. Scary. She says that she’s Andy’s mirror image, except for that she has testicles and a penis. This chick is disgustingly muscular, and says she’s “OCD with her workouts”. She challenges Andy to a pushup competition. Yeah, that’s what guys like. That and enormous crazy eyes.

Kate says “this is the type of situation where you have to do something drastic”. And by something drastic she means the worm.

Then Stephanie did a back hand spring in her dress. What the hell is happening with this show? I guess it’s simple math: alcohol + crazy sluts + pageant training = entertaining television.

It’s rose ceremony time:

-Payton is in, and “oh my God! They share the same birthday!”

-Bell Bevin Devoe is in.

-Short dress Kate gets a rose.

-Alexis Gums McGee is in.

-Danielle gets a rose, I don’t get it.

-Amber, who I think is cute, moves on.

-One of the Tiffanys gets hooked up. Oh, it’s the Julie from Growing Pains girl. She’s aiight.

-Tessa, Asian mix girl, gets a rose. I’m not a fan.

-Little Nicole gets a rose. I haven’t figured her out yet.

-Susan the dumb blonde, rose worthy

-Amanda, another asian mix, gets one.

-Hasselhoff’s future wife moves on.

-Holy shit, the Star Spangled Banner bitch gets in. This guy likes Asians! But not pretty ones.

-Stephanie from Kansas, who is pretty, is chosen.

And that’s it. Right after it’s over, Lindsay gets the fuck out. She literally runs off set. Wow, too bad she’s going home. Having her around would’ve been like having Ron Artest in the house.

But this confuses things, because the real drama here is that he didn’t choose some cute girls. Especially little adorable Jeanette, who was Irwin’s “first impression rose” choice! This is taped in LA, right? Someone get me her number.

I’m kinda bummed about the choices, but the girls always look different in episode 2 in their regular clothes, so we’ll see. By the way, if you’re counting at home, 70 percent of “this season on the Bachelor” montages feature an ambulance shot. Love it.

"Lost" It?

I’ve never seen people turn on a TV show the way people turned on “Lost”. And I’m not sure why this is. The first season was amazing, and the second season did what I thought was impossible: it sustained what the first season started and even improved on it. Every single episode in the second half of season 2 was great, and every ending was a twist. And the finale was everything it should’ve been: it answered a bunch of questions and asked a million more. So why, as season 3 began, were people so ready to trash this show?

Season 3 let us down, there’s no doubt about it. And it was particularly tough to take because the first two seasons literally did not have a bad episode. Maybe an average one, but never a bad one. So seeing a shitty “Lost” episode or two was weird. It was like, oh, these guys aren’t perfect. But to me, it wasn’t a deal breaker. And it’s bizarre that people invested two years and then were so willing to say fuck it. I’m not one of those people, however…

I think the show runners didn’t have a plan for what would happen after episode 44 (whereas Marc Cherry had no plan for what would on happen on “Housewives” after episode 22). I think they had to figure out a few things:

1) We don’t know when this thing can end…episode 100? 200?

2) Sure, we know what’s gonna happen on the island, but what the hell else is gonna happen in these people’s back stories?

3) Some of our “guest” stars want to do other projects, how do we get rid of them?

4) There’s too many stories to tell! Which ones should we concentrate on?

And they struggled with these questions and the show suffered for awhile.

What I originally thought was the low point of the series was the episode where Mr. Eko died. And the reason they had to do that was the actor playing Eko was ready to move onto other projects. So here these guys are trying to tell a story, and they had to include this crap, which completely fucked things up.

But the real low point was the one with Hurley’s back story. When I saw that one, I realized that the writers had run out of shit. It was just an amateurish hour that I hadn’t seen on the show before. Usually, I’m hooked all the way. That one just didn’t feel right. And the first time they did a show featuring Hurley, an episode called “Numbers”, it was perhaps the high point of the series. The truth of it is, they no longer have much to say about the characters past lives and how it's affecting them on the island, and that's making things difficult.

Another problem with the show? The wigs. What the fuck? What's the wig budget on this show? Saturday Night Live slaps wigs on their actors in 5 seconds and it looks better than when Boone comes back for an episode. It drives me insane.

However, things have picked up since the Hurley episode. It’s gotten back to twist endings and more answers with more questions, which is what makes the show great. The episode which ended with Jack playing football with the bad guys is what they need to keep doing, and I think they will. As I’ve talked about before, they have an end date now and that’s a great thing. So now they don’t have to worry about filling the season with bullshit episodes like the one with Hurley, and can tell the story because they know when the end will be.

And in even better news, Paolo and Nikki are dead.