With all the hub bub over "Lost", the finale of "Heroes" kinda got...well, lost. Outside of "Friday Night Lights" and "Smith" (I cry for you, Smith), "Heroes" was the best new show on TV this year.
The show was just plain well done and fun to watch. They did a good job of planning out the season and being smart. It was also nice to see what they did with the dorkiest, most enjoyable, most unlikely TV star we've probably ever seen, Hiro. Aside from the Ali Larter storyline, it was literally all good. And then came the finale.
It kinda...ate it. Why? Well, for one thing, exactly what you thought would happen, happened. It was bizarre, there were literally no surprises.
And that's all it took to kill Sylar? What the fuck? The guy had almost every power, except I guess, the power to evade a small asian dude. I don't understand how it could be that easy, especially after building him up all season.
Not to mention the whole Linderman storyline! This guy was pulling the strings on everything, and then in the episode before the finale, he is quickly done away with by the black guy no one cared about.
Everything was just too easy in the end.
When you watch the "Lost" finale and then the "Heroes" finale, you realize that these two shows are on completely different levels. "Lost" is Chris Rock, "Heroes" is Eddie Griffin. I shouldn't say that, "Heroes" is occasionally funny.
Anyway, it was very disappointing.
SUMMER TV
It's sad now that the regular TV season is over. But there are some things to look forward to. For example:
"Entourage"
Now I heard this and I don't know if it's true, but evidently two weeks after the "Entourage" finale, the next season premieres. I don't get this, but fuck it, I'll take it.
"Rescue Me"
I don't think I need to go on and on about this show anymore. Just watch it, motherfuckers.
"Hidden Palms"
Okay, this should be on a "what not to watch" list but I had to mention it. I am outraged by this show. It is the perfect example of everything that is wrong with Hollywood. Why? Because it is a teen soap that stars the murderer of all that was right with teen soaps. Yes, I'm talking about Oliver. Oliver from "The OC".
Can you imagine this? Someone actually went into a meeting and said "hey, remember the kid who destroyed "The OC"? The kid that every single person in the world hates? Well, this show stars that kid". "Hidden Palms" makes me want to punch someone in the face, preferably Oliver.
"John From Cincinnati"
I have no idea what this show is about, and the commercials make me not want to watch it. But I am legally obligated to watch any show that pairs Dylan Mckay with Al Bundy.
"The World Series of Pop Culture"
The show that makes me wonder why I'm not a millionaire, or at least, a thousandaire.
And finally, I'm most looking forward to:
"Age of Love"
A blatant and complete rip off of "The Bachelor", you gotta love it. But the twist makes it even better: the bachelor - in this case tennis "star" Mark Phillipoussis - has to choose between a bunch of girls, half of whom are 20 and under, the other half of whom are 40 and over. Genius.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Friday, May 25, 2007
Lost, bitch.
I got home from work last night at midnight. But there were so many close calls during the day that I just had to say fuck it, and stay up and watch the "Lost" finale. I'm glad I did.
First, let me reiterate how insane I think it is that people bailed on the show this season. And it's been enraging me how the media in general keeps running stories about how "Lost" sucks and no one is watching anymore (I'm talking to you, Entertainment Weekly). Shut up! It's still a top 20 show, and it's still better than just about everything else.
Yes, this season had it's bad moments - particularly the third episode through 12 or so. But if you invested 2 and half seasons in this thing, why would you watch something else? JJ Abrams is great, and so is Damon Lindelof. Have a little faith! And I did, and a lot of people did, and they rewarded us with the second half of season 3.
I think things got back on track after the Hurley episode. Suddenly, things were happening, questions were being answered, twist endings were flying all over the place. "Lost" was back. And so I say to all those who bailed, especially those working in the EW offices, hope you enjoyed American Idol, go fuck yourself.
I was stoked going into the finale. I work with people who are just as big as I am, so we spent the days leading up to it scouring Lostpedia.com. It's crazy how many elements are in this show. How complicated it is. How much there is to think about. I can't think of a TV show in history that was this complex. It's not surprising that people who enjoy Dancing with the Stars checked out.
One of the things that bummed me out this season is that in last year's finale, they showed these mysterious dudes working in Greenland or Antarctica or something. And yet they never showed them this season. So I was thinking maybe this finale would get back to that. Also, I had a dream last week that Michael and Walt would return (I swear).
So anyway, the show. As Tommyboy once said "it was...awesome!". It did what "Lost" always does - it answers some shit, and then asks a bunch more questions. Let's go through the particulars:
I didn't say out loud that Jack's thing was a flash forward, but I knew something was going on. The beard, the drugs, it didn't really fit the past. But the fact that his dad seemed to still be alive threw me off a bit. But I wasn't surprised when Kate got out of the car - it did give me chills though. And how God Damn hot did she look? She needs to go to her future look immediately.
This flash forward thing is crazy, there are so many things to think about with it - will it be all flash forwards in future episodes? how is Jack's dad alive? is this a Desmond vision? How much of a factor is time travel in the weird stuff on this show?
Walt. I swear I had that dream, maybe I need to find a girl named Penny. How old did that kid get? It looks like he jumped in the Greg Oden/LeBron James machine. Seriously, he was like a different person.
So the question is: was that just a vision? was he real? how come Locke's legs weren't moving?
Sayid, bound and gagged, breaking a dude's neck. Nothing more needs to be said.
Charlie actually becoming somewhat non-douchey before dying. Nice. Seemed to be a pretty avoidable death though, right? But that patch dude smiling with the grenade was classic - another chills moment.
Hurley saving the day, and then Sawyer killing that guy (who became oddly likeable this season) with my favorite line of the episode: "that's for taking the kid off the raft". Who even knew he was still pissed about that?
Who was in that coffin? We don't know.
Unfortunately, now we have to wait until January for more episodes. That's a big mistake by ABC. I don't remember all the crap that's going on right now, imagine how much I'm going to forget in the next 6 months.
However, it's great that they've set an end date. Now JJ and Lindelof can end the show the way they want, and every episode can stay on point. Hopefully, people will get back on board. But if not, screw 'em.
One more thing: I love you, Julie Bowen.
First, let me reiterate how insane I think it is that people bailed on the show this season. And it's been enraging me how the media in general keeps running stories about how "Lost" sucks and no one is watching anymore (I'm talking to you, Entertainment Weekly). Shut up! It's still a top 20 show, and it's still better than just about everything else.
Yes, this season had it's bad moments - particularly the third episode through 12 or so. But if you invested 2 and half seasons in this thing, why would you watch something else? JJ Abrams is great, and so is Damon Lindelof. Have a little faith! And I did, and a lot of people did, and they rewarded us with the second half of season 3.
I think things got back on track after the Hurley episode. Suddenly, things were happening, questions were being answered, twist endings were flying all over the place. "Lost" was back. And so I say to all those who bailed, especially those working in the EW offices, hope you enjoyed American Idol, go fuck yourself.
I was stoked going into the finale. I work with people who are just as big as I am, so we spent the days leading up to it scouring Lostpedia.com. It's crazy how many elements are in this show. How complicated it is. How much there is to think about. I can't think of a TV show in history that was this complex. It's not surprising that people who enjoy Dancing with the Stars checked out.
One of the things that bummed me out this season is that in last year's finale, they showed these mysterious dudes working in Greenland or Antarctica or something. And yet they never showed them this season. So I was thinking maybe this finale would get back to that. Also, I had a dream last week that Michael and Walt would return (I swear).
So anyway, the show. As Tommyboy once said "it was...awesome!". It did what "Lost" always does - it answers some shit, and then asks a bunch more questions. Let's go through the particulars:
I didn't say out loud that Jack's thing was a flash forward, but I knew something was going on. The beard, the drugs, it didn't really fit the past. But the fact that his dad seemed to still be alive threw me off a bit. But I wasn't surprised when Kate got out of the car - it did give me chills though. And how God Damn hot did she look? She needs to go to her future look immediately.
This flash forward thing is crazy, there are so many things to think about with it - will it be all flash forwards in future episodes? how is Jack's dad alive? is this a Desmond vision? How much of a factor is time travel in the weird stuff on this show?
Walt. I swear I had that dream, maybe I need to find a girl named Penny. How old did that kid get? It looks like he jumped in the Greg Oden/LeBron James machine. Seriously, he was like a different person.
So the question is: was that just a vision? was he real? how come Locke's legs weren't moving?
Sayid, bound and gagged, breaking a dude's neck. Nothing more needs to be said.
Charlie actually becoming somewhat non-douchey before dying. Nice. Seemed to be a pretty avoidable death though, right? But that patch dude smiling with the grenade was classic - another chills moment.
Hurley saving the day, and then Sawyer killing that guy (who became oddly likeable this season) with my favorite line of the episode: "that's for taking the kid off the raft". Who even knew he was still pissed about that?
Who was in that coffin? We don't know.
Unfortunately, now we have to wait until January for more episodes. That's a big mistake by ABC. I don't remember all the crap that's going on right now, imagine how much I'm going to forget in the next 6 months.
However, it's great that they've set an end date. Now JJ and Lindelof can end the show the way they want, and every episode can stay on point. Hopefully, people will get back on board. But if not, screw 'em.
One more thing: I love you, Julie Bowen.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
The Girls Tell All!
I didn't get to watch the "Lost" finale tonight, I'm so bummed. I'm actually STILL at work, hopefully none of my bosses read this shit.
However, thanks to the good people at Slingbox, I was able to sneak in a viewing of "The Bachelor: The Girls Tell All" today (I was on a field shoot yesterday until midnight, so I missed that as well. Comedy is fun, isn't it?).
Anyway, I just have two thoughts:
1. The ending, where they had a bunch of previous girls from the show describe the perfect bachelor, was awesome. Why? Because Moanna and Sadie the virgin were on it! I'm not a big fan of "The Bachelorette", but maybe next season they could have the 25 women be girls from past seasons. One man, 25 Bachelor all stars! How sick would that be? I'll come up with anything to get Moanna back on TV.
2. This is the most important thing from the show last night: BBD's ankle is still fucked up! What?! How is this possible? She had a pink cast on. I seriously thought it was a joke or something. Hasn't taping been done for months? And that happened early on in taping, this has to be a world record for milking an injury. Honey, he didn't pick you. Your ankle can't save you anymore. Amazing.
Hopefully, I'll get to "Lost" this weekend. And more importantly, hopefully I can avoid hearing about it until then.
However, thanks to the good people at Slingbox, I was able to sneak in a viewing of "The Bachelor: The Girls Tell All" today (I was on a field shoot yesterday until midnight, so I missed that as well. Comedy is fun, isn't it?).
Anyway, I just have two thoughts:
1. The ending, where they had a bunch of previous girls from the show describe the perfect bachelor, was awesome. Why? Because Moanna and Sadie the virgin were on it! I'm not a big fan of "The Bachelorette", but maybe next season they could have the 25 women be girls from past seasons. One man, 25 Bachelor all stars! How sick would that be? I'll come up with anything to get Moanna back on TV.
2. This is the most important thing from the show last night: BBD's ankle is still fucked up! What?! How is this possible? She had a pink cast on. I seriously thought it was a joke or something. Hasn't taping been done for months? And that happened early on in taping, this has to be a world record for milking an injury. Honey, he didn't pick you. Your ankle can't save you anymore. Amazing.
Hopefully, I'll get to "Lost" this weekend. And more importantly, hopefully I can avoid hearing about it until then.
Monday, May 21, 2007
THE BACHELOR FINALE
They start the show with a long recap, which I’ll skip.
Andy’s hometown is
While Andy is telling his family about Tessa, we learn more about the girls than we have in the last 10 hours of show. Amazing! I guess she went to Middlebury, and then to
Coincidentally, BBD, like Tessa, lives in
Andy forces his family into a group cheer of “operation soul mate!”. And it was even gayer than it sounds.
Andy even does that awkward hug thing with his mom!
Poor Andy’s sister, it must be tough when your brother is the best looking woman in the family.
You know who Andy talks like? 50 Cent. But at least 50 was shot in the face, what’s Andy’s excuse?
Andy’s mom interrupts shit to tell Tessa that “she’s just so beautiful”. And that is why women and gay men should not be picking our supermodels.Andy’s sister could easily beat the shit out of him.
All right, people. It’s BBD time. I hope they have tissue at the house, cause you know we’re getting tears…or at least an ankle injury.
BBD says that she does a lot of work with Alzheimer’s patients, and also sexual dysfunction. Put them together and she’d have the perfect man: someone who wouldn’t remember the horrible sex with her.
Also, probably not a good idea to mention sex and dysfunction when meeting the parents.
BBD tells Andy’s stunned grandparents that she studies the Baha’i faith. I looked up this religion hoping to find something as crazy as BBD, but it’s not that weird (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bahai). Although it does hate on gays, gossips, and rich people. And at the age of 18, believers must get a bald eagle tattoo on the small of their back and a failed marriage.
Andy makes a bunch of excuses for BBD. Actually, he basically says that he wants to fuck her more he wants to fuck Tessa. Seriously. But somehow, after the bad start BBD sorta wins them back. Or maybe Andy’s family has Alzheimer’s.
After BBD leaves, Gramps gives an impassioned speech which basically translates to: sex fades. At a certain point, sonny, you’re gonna have to actually talk to BBD...and then kill yourself.
Back in
At the hotel, something strange happens. Andy and BBD hug and check out the pimp surroundings, and Andy says “I’m in fricking love”. And BBD says “Good, me too”. So he’s in love with her? Or the hotel? Or an unseen guy sitting in the nearby pool? We don’t know, but if he just told her that he loved her before the rose ceremony, that would be a Bachelor first.
Andy presses the “it’s our last night together” angle to try for some pre-rose ceremony booty.
BBD gives Andy a card and a watch. Andy says “I wish I could make this moment stand still”. Then BBD interviews that when she’s with him “time stands still”. Jeez, maybe these two really do share a brain. For Andy’s sake, he’s lucky it’s not an ankle.
Okay. BBD tells Andy “Lt. Andrew Baldwin…I love you!” And Andy says “are you serious?” So that thing earlier wasn’t…I’m confused.
And then!!! Andy says “I love you too, Bev”. Well, there you go. If he didn’t do it earlier, he did it there.
Right now, it’s just like we’re watching the Andy/BBD show. But there is another girl, and the producer’s do love to fuck with us…
BBD states, for the record: “there is no way in hell he’s going to leave me standing without a rose”. We’ll see about that.
Andy and Tessa go horseback riding and then swimming and then kissing. Then it’s back to the hotel – the producers are definitely giving her less time than BBD.
She gives him a present too, what a coincidence. Tessa professes her love. She wants to stay with Andy. She says “I love you”. And guess what? He says “I love you” back! Whoever “wins” is feeling really good about things as she’s watching this.
It’s really fucked up of him to do that though, because when each girl hears those words, they have to be thinking “I won”. And it’s going to hurt that much more. Wow.
Andy says “I fricking love you, you know that?”. Whoa, I knew he loved them both, but I didn’t know he “fricking loved” them both.
Andy picks out a ring, the girls get ready, and Andy pretends that he just made up his mind.
And the first girl out of the limo is…BBD! All is right with the world. By the way, before we get to the rejection let me just say: she kinda looks a lot like Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction” – frizzy blonde hair, nose, crazy eyes - and he told her he loved her. Damn.
Andy cries and says that there is “someone who has touched my heart deeper”. You know who he’s talking about, right? Gatsby. Oh, I thought he said “touched his ass deeper”.
BBD cries (of course) in the limo. You know, and I don’t want to sound crazy here, but BBD was the most normal she’s been in this episode. Okay, other than the part where she told Andy’s family about her expertise in sexual dysfunction.
Tessa rolls in. I think I actually find BBD more physically attractive, but Tessa more everything else attractive.
Andy’s speech is…beyond awkward. I almost have to change the channel and stop the recap. He says something about Tessa being so funny he gives her “side stitches”. And he’s a king and she’s his queen, or maybe the other way around, I don’t know, it’s embarrassing.
He asks her to marry him and she says yes. An officer and a gentleman! They do a terrible kiss - which I know those who saw it will back me up - is exactly like that horrific Al/Tipper Gore kiss during the 2000 election.
That's it, that's the show. Andy and Tessa.
Thanks for reading these this season, everybody, it’s been a lot of fun…and a pain in my ass (hour and a half episodes? Really?). I love writing about the show and hearing your thoughts. Until next season…If I get off work at a normal time, I might recap the Lost finale on Wednesday. Hope you all watch. Goodnight!
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Your Chance to See the Infamous Boob Girl!!!
As some of you know, growing up my favorite TV show (other than "Family Ties") was "The Wonder Years". I don't know why it's not at least on at 3am on TBS. It always pisses me off that some old shows don't get rerun and some do - why is "A Different World" still on?
Every once in awhile, I do a search on my DVR for old shows (it's good to have hobbies, right?) and about a month or two ago, "The Wonder Years" popped up. I was stoked, it hasn't been on in a long time. To my luck, something called the Ion Network had started airing them (I guess Ion used to be Pax).
Immediately, I season passed it and started watching the whole series again. Some men climb the corporate ladder, others chase women, I cry myself to sleep watching TV from my past.
Anyway, I think it's up to season 4 now. And there's a story I like to tell about me and The Wonder Years, which I posted a couple years ago and I'm reposting below. When I tell the story, people always think the girl I'm talking about is Winnie Cooper, but it isn't. And then when I describe the episode and the girl, they never know who I'm talking about.
So as a public service, I thought I would let you know that the famous episode is about to air. It's showing on Monday at 10:30 on Ion (check your local listings for availability).
And even if you don't give a crap about me or the girl, you should just watch it cause it's a great episode of television. But if you do give a crap, here's the story if you missed it:
Anyway, the show seemed to mirror my life (except for course when Kevin would get chicks) - when Kevin would go to his first school dance, I'd go to my first school dance, and when Kevin would do shitty in school because of an asshole teacher, I would do shitty in school because I was lazy.
Now, if you ask any true Wonder Years fan what their top 3 episodes are, I'm pretty sure the 3 you would get the most are: 1) the pilot, where Kevin starts junior high and Winnie is suddenly hot, 2) the episode where Kevin breaks up with Becky Slater and she beats the shit out of him, and 3) the episode where Kevin goes on summer vacation with his family and he meets a ridiculously hot girl at the drive in and at the very end he touches her boob.
Number 3 was my favorite episode, and not just because of the boob touching (he may have been touching her heart, but her heart was sitting precariously right underneath her boob). The reason this is my favorite episode is because of the girl whose boob got touched. She was beautiful. And with her brown hair, olive skin, and willingness to let her boob get touched, she would become the template for almost all girls I've been attracted to since. I loved this girl, and so did many Wonder Years fans. They even had to bring her back in a heartbreaking episode a year later. I always remembered that girl, and everytime a rerun would come on, I would hope that it would be the boob touching episode. This happened when I was 13.
Flash forward 10 years. I'm in Italy. I meet a girl from Encino. Sara. We become fast friends. And one night, for some reason, I babble on about my love for all things Wonder Years (oh, I know the reason, I'm a huge dork). She says that her best friend was on the Wonder Years a couple times. Instantly I think of the boob girl, but it can't be. But I describe the boob girl and the episode and sure enough, that is her best fucking friend. Weird.
So I move to LA and start film school. Sara comes back to town (she'd been at NYU) and she invites me to a Halloween party and yes, boob girl will be there. This is it. My welcome to Hollywood moment, where you don't just fuck girls like the ones on TV, you fuck the girls from TV! I prepare myself. I meditate, do some visualization. And I remind myself not to mention the Wonder Years or my secret psycho love for this girl that I've kept inside for 10 years.
I go to the party, she's not there yet. I go in Sara's room and we hang out. And then, She walks in. I'm freaking out because she looks exactly the same! Exactly, except for now boob girl has woman boobs! What a bonus!
We are introduced. And her first words to me, I'll never forget them, are: "Do you have a dollar bill?" This caught me a little off guard but luckily, yes, I had a dollar bill! I handed it over. And then she said the second thing she ever said to me, which was: "Do you have a credit card?"
Okay, let me interject here with a little personal information: I don't do drugs. I've never done drugs. I've never smoked even a cigarette. Now, this has less to do with my high moral standards than it has to do with my unwillingness to try new things and my borderline Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I don't really care about drugs. I don't care if you do them, I don't care if anyone does them, but I have no curiosity or need to try them. I've never had soup or sushi, for Christ's Sake, you think I'm going to try coke? No. But besides never having done drugs, I was very naive as to the materials that are involved in doing drugs. So at this point I have no idea what's going on. Back to the story.
A little confused, I go back into my wallet and get my Visa card and willingly hand it over (boob girl from the Wonder Years has my credit card!). And then it happened. Of course, all of you know what's about to happen, but try and remember I had no idea that this was about to happen:
She pulls out a giant bag of cocaine. Okay, when I say giant, I mean giant. This was like a clown bag of cocaine. Like she got it from the gag drug paraphenalia store. It was enough to keep the Columbian army high for a month. And so, boob girl, starts doing lines of coke right in front of me. But hey, she was doing them with my dollar bill!
Welcome to Hollywood, douchebag.
Every once in awhile, I do a search on my DVR for old shows (it's good to have hobbies, right?) and about a month or two ago, "The Wonder Years" popped up. I was stoked, it hasn't been on in a long time. To my luck, something called the Ion Network had started airing them (I guess Ion used to be Pax).
Immediately, I season passed it and started watching the whole series again. Some men climb the corporate ladder, others chase women, I cry myself to sleep watching TV from my past.
Anyway, I think it's up to season 4 now. And there's a story I like to tell about me and The Wonder Years, which I posted a couple years ago and I'm reposting below. When I tell the story, people always think the girl I'm talking about is Winnie Cooper, but it isn't. And then when I describe the episode and the girl, they never know who I'm talking about.
So as a public service, I thought I would let you know that the famous episode is about to air. It's showing on Monday at 10:30 on Ion (check your local listings for availability).
And even if you don't give a crap about me or the girl, you should just watch it cause it's a great episode of television. But if you do give a crap, here's the story if you missed it:
My Wonder Years - A True Story
When I was 11 years old, I thought I was Kevin Arnold. "The Wonder Years" premiered just as I was entering the 6th grade, and the pilot episode was Kevin Arnold...entering the 6th grade. His best friend was Paul, my best friend was Steven. And Steven looked exactly like Paul. I mean exactly. When he would venture outside of our small town, people would ask for his autograph because they were sure he was the kid who played Paul. Kevin Arnold had Winnie Cooper, I had Christy Boyer. But unlike Winnie Cooper, Christy Boyer never gave me the time of day - this would be the first in a series of life insults that would lead me to become a comedy writer, but that's another story.
Anyway, the show seemed to mirror my life (except for course when Kevin would get chicks) - when Kevin would go to his first school dance, I'd go to my first school dance, and when Kevin would do shitty in school because of an asshole teacher, I would do shitty in school because I was lazy.
Now, if you ask any true Wonder Years fan what their top 3 episodes are, I'm pretty sure the 3 you would get the most are: 1) the pilot, where Kevin starts junior high and Winnie is suddenly hot, 2) the episode where Kevin breaks up with Becky Slater and she beats the shit out of him, and 3) the episode where Kevin goes on summer vacation with his family and he meets a ridiculously hot girl at the drive in and at the very end he touches her boob.
Number 3 was my favorite episode, and not just because of the boob touching (he may have been touching her heart, but her heart was sitting precariously right underneath her boob). The reason this is my favorite episode is because of the girl whose boob got touched. She was beautiful. And with her brown hair, olive skin, and willingness to let her boob get touched, she would become the template for almost all girls I've been attracted to since. I loved this girl, and so did many Wonder Years fans. They even had to bring her back in a heartbreaking episode a year later. I always remembered that girl, and everytime a rerun would come on, I would hope that it would be the boob touching episode. This happened when I was 13.
Flash forward 10 years. I'm in Italy. I meet a girl from Encino. Sara. We become fast friends. And one night, for some reason, I babble on about my love for all things Wonder Years (oh, I know the reason, I'm a huge dork). She says that her best friend was on the Wonder Years a couple times. Instantly I think of the boob girl, but it can't be. But I describe the boob girl and the episode and sure enough, that is her best fucking friend. Weird.
So I move to LA and start film school. Sara comes back to town (she'd been at NYU) and she invites me to a Halloween party and yes, boob girl will be there. This is it. My welcome to Hollywood moment, where you don't just fuck girls like the ones on TV, you fuck the girls from TV! I prepare myself. I meditate, do some visualization. And I remind myself not to mention the Wonder Years or my secret psycho love for this girl that I've kept inside for 10 years.
I go to the party, she's not there yet. I go in Sara's room and we hang out. And then, She walks in. I'm freaking out because she looks exactly the same! Exactly, except for now boob girl has woman boobs! What a bonus!
We are introduced. And her first words to me, I'll never forget them, are: "Do you have a dollar bill?" This caught me a little off guard but luckily, yes, I had a dollar bill! I handed it over. And then she said the second thing she ever said to me, which was: "Do you have a credit card?"
Okay, let me interject here with a little personal information: I don't do drugs. I've never done drugs. I've never smoked even a cigarette. Now, this has less to do with my high moral standards than it has to do with my unwillingness to try new things and my borderline Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I don't really care about drugs. I don't care if you do them, I don't care if anyone does them, but I have no curiosity or need to try them. I've never had soup or sushi, for Christ's Sake, you think I'm going to try coke? No. But besides never having done drugs, I was very naive as to the materials that are involved in doing drugs. So at this point I have no idea what's going on. Back to the story.
A little confused, I go back into my wallet and get my Visa card and willingly hand it over (boob girl from the Wonder Years has my credit card!). And then it happened. Of course, all of you know what's about to happen, but try and remember I had no idea that this was about to happen:
She pulls out a giant bag of cocaine. Okay, when I say giant, I mean giant. This was like a clown bag of cocaine. Like she got it from the gag drug paraphenalia store. It was enough to keep the Columbian army high for a month. And so, boob girl, starts doing lines of coke right in front of me. But hey, she was doing them with my dollar bill!
Welcome to Hollywood, douchebag.
Monday, May 14, 2007
THE BACHELOR, EPISODE VII: OVERNIGHT DATES
This is the episode where the Bachelor awkwardly asks all the girls if they want to go see his “fantasy suite”, which is a euphemism for penis. It’s great.
The first overnight date is in
In a stunning turn of events, Tessa accepts the invitation to check out Andy’s penis, er, fantasy suite.
Danielle is next, get ready for some dead boyfriend talk.
Andy and Danielle go on a boat and see dolphins and whales. Danielle says “I just wanna touch one”. Save it for the fantasy suite, lady.
If Danielle is 25, I’m a panda bear.
Danielle talks some nonsense about how a psychic told her that the third guy she met she was going to marry. I have a really mean dead boyfriend joke, but I don’t need the bad karma.
Upon hearing this story, the Bachelor producers scramble and find a psychic in
Wait, check that. This so called psychic isn’t using tarot cards, she’s using regular playing cards. What the fuck? I think this is one one of the Bachelor producers playing the role of psychic.
There’s a lot of lame talk between these two, I don’t care what the psychic said, it’s not going to happen.
Man, I really hate Andy’s lazy delivery. The way he talks drives me insane.
Finally, some entertainment…It’s crazy BBD time!
Whoa, BBD is tatted up. Maybe that’s why Andy likes her, it looks like there’s a bald eagle on the small of her back. I don’t to be crude here, but this is an honest question : is it unpatriotic for Andy to finish doing the deed on a bald eagle? They might have to go strictly missionary.
There’s a montage of them laughing and hugging and kissing. Just think: if Tessa wins, how is she feeling as she’s watching this? This would be a great component of the black bachelor. Film the girl who won as she’s watching the episodes – “Oh no you didn’t make out with that crazy bitch! I don’t care if you gave me that punk ass promise ring, I’m gonna cut you, motherfucker!”
BBD accepts the fantasy suite offer on the grounds that they will continue the conversation and Andy will get to know her better. But all Andy can hear is “bald eagle, bald eagle, bald eagle”.
Andy talks to his “friend” about the girls. It’s like watching Ryan Seacrest tell Jesse Metcalfe about all the hot chicks he knows.
Why do they keep saying that being married before is the most scandalous thing ever? I know I’ve gone crazy over this before but seriously, is this 1955? The giant eagle on her back, the crying every two seconds, the entering a reality show to find a husband, that’s all perfectly fine. But the ex-husband? That’s crossing a line.
ROSE CEREMONY
I think Danielle is gone, but we’ll see…
BBD gets the first rose. This dude loves the drama, and by drama I mean the bald eagle.
Tessa is in, of course she is.
Danielle is sent packing. She has to be one of the least known, most obvious “never had a chance” girls ever in the final three. It’s still weird that Amber didn’t make it as far as her. Danielle really rode the dead boyfriend card to…well, to death.
Thanks for reading! Goodnight!
Monday, May 07, 2007
The Bachelor Episode VI: Hometown Visits
We’re down to 4: Tessa, BBD, Amber, and the Girl With the Dead Boyfriend.
It’s time for Andy to go to their homes and see just how fucked up they really are. First up, crazy ass BBD. She’s from Seattle. In your face, Seattle! That’s gotta hurt.
Andy says “I’m in heaven, when I’m with Bevin”. I take it back: this guy isn't gay, he's a masochist.
BBD prepares to tell Andy that she’s divorced. She builds it up like she’s done anal porn before or something. Divorced?! Oh my God! Why hasn’t she been wearing her scarlet letter?!
As she tries to tell him, she says “We’ve all had pasts before, right?” I swear to God she said that sentence. Andy should’ve answered no.
Andy tells BBD that he knew all along that she was “the most mature”. Apparently, maturity = constantly crying.
We meet the family. I honestly can’t tell which parent BBD got her schnozz from, the only thing I’m sure about is that the sucker had no chance.
Finally, there’s actually a hot girl on this show. And it’s…BBD’s sister, Ona. Holy crap! Andy might wanna pull the ole’ switcheroo, not that I’d know anything about that maneuver. By the way, BBD’s parents - Bevin, Ona, nice names, assholes.
In a huge upset, BBD cries. THREE TIMES.
The second date is with the girl with the dead boyfriend, also known as the girl we’ve never seen, also known as Danielle.
We meet the family. Danielle also has a sister, but she can’t compete with my true love, Ona. Danielle gushes to her mom and sister. Live it up, lady, cause you ain’t getting past this episode.
I don’t want to throw around wild accusations or anything, but when the police were investigating the death of Danielle’s boyfriend, I hope they questioned her father.
Okay, that last joke was kind of messed up. I thought about deleting it, but it kept making me laugh so fuck it.
Third date is with Tessa. He has seemed to like her the most. The staff here at Handleman Enterprises tells me that Andy’s mom is Hawaiian, and he’s dated many girls in his past who look like Tessa, except for hot (like models and shit). Asian is his thing, cause he wants to marry mommy. Ew.
We meet the family. Tessa’s mom is Asian and dad is white. Tessa also has a sister, but she’s no Ona either. Who is though?
Andy gets grilled. I’d break up with Tessa just because of her best friend. She’s annoying. She’s one of those best friends that thinks she’s “protecting her girl” and helping out, but really she’s chasing dudes away.
Andy gets all offended because he finds out that Tessa went on the show “for fun”. Does he honestly believe that any of the girls came on the show to get married? Cause that’s crazy! I’d be afraid of any girl who came on the show for that. I’d actually respect them more if they did it for a little fame whoring. Doing the show for fun is the best reason there is. Shut up, Andy.
And last but not least, Amber. I’ve been fighting with you guys over this the whole time, but she’s the cutest. If I were walking on the street and saw Amber, I’d check her out. If I saw Tessa, I wouldn’t look twice.
In a staged phone call, Amber calls her Aunt to ask if she’s going to see her. The Aunt says no. Nice. Amber cries. Hey, better to have an unstable family than to be unstable (BBD).
Amber’s parents don’t approve of her meeting a guy “this way”.
Uh oh, Amber says that it’s very import for her dog to approve of Andy. I think she just fell below The Girl With the Dead Boyfriend in my rankings. Fucking dogs! How am I the crazy one on this issue?
Oh, and right after I type that, the dog pees on the rug. Yeah, I’m the idiot.
In another hugely staged upset, Amber’s Aunt shows up. What a shock. Notice how Amber kept talking about the Aunt and not her parents – who really disapprove of this shit. The Aunt was obviously coming all along.
You know what? I think Amber’s done this episode.
ROSE CEREMONY
Tessa is in. Of course she is, he loves his mom.
BBD survives another week. He is just making the eventual meltdown that much more insane. Love it.
Danielle takes it! I called it, there was just something missing in that visit with Amber. Oh yeah, it was her parents. But seriously, something was oddly cold between them.
As Andy and Amber are walking outside, there’s an amazing reaction shot of Tessa with her rose. She has this look on her face like she just won the NBA championship. I can’t explain it, you just had to see it.
Amber cries and demands to know why. Andy gives her the “you’re 23 speech”. I feel bad for her, not that she got eliminated, but because BBD lasted longer. That’s insulting.
In the limo, Amber tells us the story of her and Andy’s marriage, focusing primarily on their mundane daily schedule. Then she goes into her past relationships with men (cause we all have pasts, right?), which is a sad tale of rejection. Oh sweetie, you are only 23. And at least you have a loving family to go back home to. Oh…whoops.
Goodnight!!!
It’s time for Andy to go to their homes and see just how fucked up they really are. First up, crazy ass BBD. She’s from Seattle. In your face, Seattle! That’s gotta hurt.
Andy says “I’m in heaven, when I’m with Bevin”. I take it back: this guy isn't gay, he's a masochist.
BBD prepares to tell Andy that she’s divorced. She builds it up like she’s done anal porn before or something. Divorced?! Oh my God! Why hasn’t she been wearing her scarlet letter?!
As she tries to tell him, she says “We’ve all had pasts before, right?” I swear to God she said that sentence. Andy should’ve answered no.
Andy tells BBD that he knew all along that she was “the most mature”. Apparently, maturity = constantly crying.
We meet the family. I honestly can’t tell which parent BBD got her schnozz from, the only thing I’m sure about is that the sucker had no chance.
Finally, there’s actually a hot girl on this show. And it’s…BBD’s sister, Ona. Holy crap! Andy might wanna pull the ole’ switcheroo, not that I’d know anything about that maneuver. By the way, BBD’s parents - Bevin, Ona, nice names, assholes.
In a huge upset, BBD cries. THREE TIMES.
The second date is with the girl with the dead boyfriend, also known as the girl we’ve never seen, also known as Danielle.
We meet the family. Danielle also has a sister, but she can’t compete with my true love, Ona. Danielle gushes to her mom and sister. Live it up, lady, cause you ain’t getting past this episode.
I don’t want to throw around wild accusations or anything, but when the police were investigating the death of Danielle’s boyfriend, I hope they questioned her father.
Okay, that last joke was kind of messed up. I thought about deleting it, but it kept making me laugh so fuck it.
Third date is with Tessa. He has seemed to like her the most. The staff here at Handleman Enterprises tells me that Andy’s mom is Hawaiian, and he’s dated many girls in his past who look like Tessa, except for hot (like models and shit). Asian is his thing, cause he wants to marry mommy. Ew.
We meet the family. Tessa’s mom is Asian and dad is white. Tessa also has a sister, but she’s no Ona either. Who is though?
Andy gets grilled. I’d break up with Tessa just because of her best friend. She’s annoying. She’s one of those best friends that thinks she’s “protecting her girl” and helping out, but really she’s chasing dudes away.
Andy gets all offended because he finds out that Tessa went on the show “for fun”. Does he honestly believe that any of the girls came on the show to get married? Cause that’s crazy! I’d be afraid of any girl who came on the show for that. I’d actually respect them more if they did it for a little fame whoring. Doing the show for fun is the best reason there is. Shut up, Andy.
And last but not least, Amber. I’ve been fighting with you guys over this the whole time, but she’s the cutest. If I were walking on the street and saw Amber, I’d check her out. If I saw Tessa, I wouldn’t look twice.
In a staged phone call, Amber calls her Aunt to ask if she’s going to see her. The Aunt says no. Nice. Amber cries. Hey, better to have an unstable family than to be unstable (BBD).
Amber’s parents don’t approve of her meeting a guy “this way”.
Uh oh, Amber says that it’s very import for her dog to approve of Andy. I think she just fell below The Girl With the Dead Boyfriend in my rankings. Fucking dogs! How am I the crazy one on this issue?
Oh, and right after I type that, the dog pees on the rug. Yeah, I’m the idiot.
In another hugely staged upset, Amber’s Aunt shows up. What a shock. Notice how Amber kept talking about the Aunt and not her parents – who really disapprove of this shit. The Aunt was obviously coming all along.
You know what? I think Amber’s done this episode.
ROSE CEREMONY
Tessa is in. Of course she is, he loves his mom.
BBD survives another week. He is just making the eventual meltdown that much more insane. Love it.
Danielle takes it! I called it, there was just something missing in that visit with Amber. Oh yeah, it was her parents. But seriously, something was oddly cold between them.
As Andy and Amber are walking outside, there’s an amazing reaction shot of Tessa with her rose. She has this look on her face like she just won the NBA championship. I can’t explain it, you just had to see it.
Amber cries and demands to know why. Andy gives her the “you’re 23 speech”. I feel bad for her, not that she got eliminated, but because BBD lasted longer. That’s insulting.
In the limo, Amber tells us the story of her and Andy’s marriage, focusing primarily on their mundane daily schedule. Then she goes into her past relationships with men (cause we all have pasts, right?), which is a sad tale of rejection. Oh sweetie, you are only 23. And at least you have a loving family to go back home to. Oh…whoops.
Goodnight!!!
Summer Black Man Music Preview 2007
I love the summertime - the warm weather, the daylight savings, and especially, the black man's music. So what better way to kick off the summer than by previewing some of the black man's music that's coming out.
The only problem with doing this is the shadiness of the music business. The crack staff here at Handleman industries scoured the internet and yet had difficulty finding out all the stuff that was coming out. Music is weird. Anyway, without further ado:
You know I love R. Kelly, and I know it doesn't make sense to you. But seriously, can you honestly say that you don't like the "I'm a Flirt (Remix)"? Don't lie, you love that song. It's fricking good.
R. produced "I'm a Flirt" for Bow Wow's album, but it came out so good that he made the label promise not to release it as a Bow Wow single. He took it, threw T.I. and T. Pain on there, and boom - gold.
R.'s album "Double Up", is coming out May 29th, and you can expect me on Itunes on May 28th at 11:59pm waiting to download it. R. says that it's going to be up tempo, and has collaborations with The Neptunes, Kanye West, Young Jeezy, Luda, Snoop Dogg, Dr. Dre, and Rick Ross. Also, the second single has already leaked (pun intended), which is "Same Girl" with my boy Usher (of "In the Mix" fame). Which leads us to:
Usher. Ever since his blockbuster, my boy has laid low. The question everyone has been asking is: will there be an "In the Mix 2"? I don't know. But I do know that he's finally coming back with another album. It's called "The Regreted", and supposedly comes out in August. There is no exact date because again, the music business makes no sense.
Next up, 50 Cent. If any of you watched the fight on Saturday, you saw the always hilarious sight of a boxer coming out with a rapper rapping next to him, live. I love that. That's why Roy Jones Jr. was the best, because he fought AND rapped. He didn't need 50 by his side, he was Roy and 50 rolled into one.
Anyway, 50 was rapping the first single "Straight to the Bank" from his next album, which is called "Curtis" and comes out on June 26th. Supposedly he's got a song on there with the white brotha I wish I was, Robin Thicke.
Also coming out that day is T.I.'s album, "T.I. vs. T.I.P.". I'm kinda up in the air with this dude. Some of his stuff I love ("I'm a Flirt"), other stuff I absolutely hate ("Rubber Band Man"). We'll see.
One of my all time favorite producer/rappers is DJ Quik. One of my all time favorite rappers is AMG. And now the two have joined up in a "super" group (I put quotes around super cause it's only super to me) called "The Fixxers". If you listen to the black man's radio stations, you might have heard the first single "Can U Work Wit Dat". It was also on a recent episode of "Entourage". The album is called "The Midnite Life" and comes out sometime in the summer (apparently no knows for sure). Can't wait for that shit, but I might be the only one.
Bone Thugz. On season 1 of Mencia, I was sent to help write the promos - the commercials they would play advertising the upcoming season. One of the extras on that shoot was Krazyie Bone, from Bone Thugz N Harmony. It was a depressing day. Bone Thugz used to be huge, and now this poor guy was standing around just cause we needed a gangsta looking guy in the background. No one was talking to him or anything and I felt bad, so I went up and told him I was a big fan to try and make him feel better. When a piece of crap writer is telling you that to cheer you up, you're career is at a low point.
Well, somehow he turned things around. He recorded "Ridin'" with Chamillionaire, and then got the group back together. Their album "Strength and Loyalty" comes out May 8th, and has a bunch of big time producers on it. Could be good.
Fabolous. He's one of my favorite rappers, and his album is supposed to come out next week (it's been pushed back 5 times). But I had to mention it just because it features not one, but TWO songs with Ashlee Simpson. That is insane. But hey, I'm on board with that new nose.
Musiq. His album came out last month and it's pretty good. I loved the first single, "Buddy", and the song "Betterman" is great and so is "Ms. Philadelphia", the latter of which was written by...
Ne-Yo. His album came out last week, I love it. I got his CD last year and I listened to it a few times, and then a month went by, and then I listened to it again, and then I realized how awesome it was. I wasn't expecting much, he seemed to be just another R and B singer. But this dude can write songs. He's written a bunch of good shit for other people (like Beyonce's "Irreplaceable"). He's talented and Michael Jackson like and possibly a little gay, the perfect recipe for good R&B.
The first single "Because of You" is badass, as is track #2 "Crazy" with Jay Z and the song "Addicted" is great as well.
Okay, that's all I could find out about.
The only problem with doing this is the shadiness of the music business. The crack staff here at Handleman industries scoured the internet and yet had difficulty finding out all the stuff that was coming out. Music is weird. Anyway, without further ado:
You know I love R. Kelly, and I know it doesn't make sense to you. But seriously, can you honestly say that you don't like the "I'm a Flirt (Remix)"? Don't lie, you love that song. It's fricking good.
R. produced "I'm a Flirt" for Bow Wow's album, but it came out so good that he made the label promise not to release it as a Bow Wow single. He took it, threw T.I. and T. Pain on there, and boom - gold.
R.'s album "Double Up", is coming out May 29th, and you can expect me on Itunes on May 28th at 11:59pm waiting to download it. R. says that it's going to be up tempo, and has collaborations with The Neptunes, Kanye West, Young Jeezy, Luda, Snoop Dogg, Dr. Dre, and Rick Ross. Also, the second single has already leaked (pun intended), which is "Same Girl" with my boy Usher (of "In the Mix" fame). Which leads us to:
Usher. Ever since his blockbuster, my boy has laid low. The question everyone has been asking is: will there be an "In the Mix 2"? I don't know. But I do know that he's finally coming back with another album. It's called "The Regreted", and supposedly comes out in August. There is no exact date because again, the music business makes no sense.
Next up, 50 Cent. If any of you watched the fight on Saturday, you saw the always hilarious sight of a boxer coming out with a rapper rapping next to him, live. I love that. That's why Roy Jones Jr. was the best, because he fought AND rapped. He didn't need 50 by his side, he was Roy and 50 rolled into one.
Anyway, 50 was rapping the first single "Straight to the Bank" from his next album, which is called "Curtis" and comes out on June 26th. Supposedly he's got a song on there with the white brotha I wish I was, Robin Thicke.
Also coming out that day is T.I.'s album, "T.I. vs. T.I.P.". I'm kinda up in the air with this dude. Some of his stuff I love ("I'm a Flirt"), other stuff I absolutely hate ("Rubber Band Man"). We'll see.
One of my all time favorite producer/rappers is DJ Quik. One of my all time favorite rappers is AMG. And now the two have joined up in a "super" group (I put quotes around super cause it's only super to me) called "The Fixxers". If you listen to the black man's radio stations, you might have heard the first single "Can U Work Wit Dat". It was also on a recent episode of "Entourage". The album is called "The Midnite Life" and comes out sometime in the summer (apparently no knows for sure). Can't wait for that shit, but I might be the only one.
Bone Thugz. On season 1 of Mencia, I was sent to help write the promos - the commercials they would play advertising the upcoming season. One of the extras on that shoot was Krazyie Bone, from Bone Thugz N Harmony. It was a depressing day. Bone Thugz used to be huge, and now this poor guy was standing around just cause we needed a gangsta looking guy in the background. No one was talking to him or anything and I felt bad, so I went up and told him I was a big fan to try and make him feel better. When a piece of crap writer is telling you that to cheer you up, you're career is at a low point.
Well, somehow he turned things around. He recorded "Ridin'" with Chamillionaire, and then got the group back together. Their album "Strength and Loyalty" comes out May 8th, and has a bunch of big time producers on it. Could be good.
Fabolous. He's one of my favorite rappers, and his album is supposed to come out next week (it's been pushed back 5 times). But I had to mention it just because it features not one, but TWO songs with Ashlee Simpson. That is insane. But hey, I'm on board with that new nose.
Musiq. His album came out last month and it's pretty good. I loved the first single, "Buddy", and the song "Betterman" is great and so is "Ms. Philadelphia", the latter of which was written by...
Ne-Yo. His album came out last week, I love it. I got his CD last year and I listened to it a few times, and then a month went by, and then I listened to it again, and then I realized how awesome it was. I wasn't expecting much, he seemed to be just another R and B singer. But this dude can write songs. He's written a bunch of good shit for other people (like Beyonce's "Irreplaceable"). He's talented and Michael Jackson like and possibly a little gay, the perfect recipe for good R&B.
The first single "Because of You" is badass, as is track #2 "Crazy" with Jay Z and the song "Addicted" is great as well.
Okay, that's all I could find out about.
Friday, May 04, 2007
Mini-Hoops
I spent over half my childhood dunking. How is it possible that a 5 foot white boy could do this? Mini-hoops. I had a 7 foot hoop in my backyard, and a nerf hoop in my room. If I didn't want to dunk outside, I'd dunk inside. And then there was a full mini-hoop court at the elementary school, which provided for full mini-hoop game action. I love mini-hoops.
I saw something today on Youtube that made me think back to those glory days and to be honest, it brought a little tear to my eye. It was linked from Bill Simmons (ESPN's The Sports Guy) site. I'm just bummed I didn't think of it first. Well, I guess I'm bummed that the internet wasn't invented when I was doing most of my dunking, and then I know I would've thought of it.
And this one, even better:
Genius.
I saw something today on Youtube that made me think back to those glory days and to be honest, it brought a little tear to my eye. It was linked from Bill Simmons (ESPN's The Sports Guy) site. I'm just bummed I didn't think of it first. Well, I guess I'm bummed that the internet wasn't invented when I was doing most of my dunking, and then I know I would've thought of it.
And this one, even better:
Genius.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
My Name is Echhh
I was going through my idea page for this season of the show - all the ideas I've come up with the last couple months that may or may not have been used. And I came across something I forgot about: We did this sketch about Iraqi TV shows, and it was basically Ned as an Iraqi character who is introducing all the great new programming coming to Iraqi TV. Of course, all of the shows were rip offs of American shows.
One of them we did was the Iraqi version of "My Name is Earl", which was "My Name is Echhh". Just like the regular show, Echhh was going around making things right that he had done wrong. Our bit was him apologizing for raping a guy or something, and he was supposed to be holding a list of all the bad deeds he had done.
So I guess we had to pitch stuff that would be on the list (which most likely wouldn't even be seen by the audience anyway). Here are some of my pitches for what an Iraqi guy would have on his bad deeds list:
Deleted “Laguna Beach
One of them we did was the Iraqi version of "My Name is Earl", which was "My Name is Echhh". Just like the regular show, Echhh was going around making things right that he had done wrong. Our bit was him apologizing for raping a guy or something, and he was supposed to be holding a list of all the bad deeds he had done.
So I guess we had to pitch stuff that would be on the list (which most likely wouldn't even be seen by the audience anyway). Here are some of my pitches for what an Iraqi guy would have on his bad deeds list:
Videotaped Saddam execution with cell phone
Secretly don’t know the difference between Shiite and SunniDeleted “
Ripped off this idea from American TV show
Sympathized with the predators from Dateline: To Catch a Predator
Still drive gas guzzling SUV
Cried on 9/11
Masturbated to that chick who turned out to be a dude
Married 4 women instead of the customary 3
Did a few jobs for Haliburton
Bought Kevin Federline’s album
I was the one who stabbed Steve Irwin, it wasn’t that stingray
Think Jews are “not that bad”
Once tormented a classmate with a series of “your mama’s so Shia jokes”
And they pay me for this shit.
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