Tuesday, July 31, 2007
R. must be peeing on himself that he didn't come up with it first. It's been a long time where I did one of these things where I comment, and there's no song that deserves it more than "Yo Stomach". Let's investigate:
Some people like thighs (yeah yeah)
Some people like backs (yeah) (six pack)
Who likes backs? Not a very long list: Buffalo Bill, end of list. She puts the lotion on her back.
Some people like booty (yeah) and ain't nothing wrong with that
Nope, nothing wrong with that.
yeah... aint nothing more groovy
Groovy? Was this song written by the Silver Platters?
When that stomach moving yeah
Stomachs only tend to move in a bad way. Not moving is generally the good kind of stomach moving.
It's the reason that I'm singing this song
Because I ain't got nothing else to bust a nut on
Whoa whoa whoa
Saying "bust a nut" is one level, but following it with "ooohh..oh....ohh oh, whoa whoa whoa" is a completely grosser level. It's so funny to think of T-Pain masturbating and going through his mental rolodex of girl's stomachs.
yeah! fat in the front, fat in the back, that's the way I like it
Okay, what does that mean? He likes a belly? Which reminds me of this awesome 20/20 I saw last week. It was about plastic surgery. And this fat lady had a VERTICAL c-section back in the day, and now her kids asked her "mommy, why do you have two hineys?" Ha! She lifted up her stomach and it did indeed look like a second butt. She'd make T-Pain cum in 2 seconds. Two booties!!!
My fire's ignited, I love it when she ride it
'Cause I can see the part of her I love the most
I know they're feeling me from coast to coast
Yes, we are feeling you, T.
Because I like that tank top that cut off shirt man I like everything that show that belly
There's something to be said for a nice belly with a belly ring, I will give him that.
Them crunches just got me punching the wall
Man, he really digs stomachs.
and the pilates got that body looking good up in
Them boy short draws but that stomach, yeah whoa
R. himself likes to use the phrase "boy shorts" as well. And I feel in the era of Michael Jackson, they should refrain from doing so. Can we think of a less creepy term for those? How about "molestees?
Shorties got that six pack, throwback you already know that
I'm in love with your stomach
He doesn't just like stomachs, he's IN LOVE with them. That reminds me of that song where R. said he wanted to get on one knee and propose to a girl's butt.
Lay on your back you already know that I'm in love with your stomach
Six pack, throwback, you already know that I'm in love with your stomach
It's the reason I'm singing this song, because nothing else turns me on like a stomach
God, this song is great.
Oh I like the way it move when she do only when she dances
Got your boy thinking about getting in them pants
Why would he want to get in the pants? If the song is accurate, wouldn't he want to get in the belly button? We just want consistency, T-Pain.
Then I cut off some brand new j's
She make me wanna throw some d's on it OK
Man I like that tank top and I'm about to take it off I should be paying money I'm a have her
I love that Chris Rock joke about how a girl will give you that funny walk after sex, "I can barely walk!". and then she jogs to some real dick.
Thanks, T-Pain. And thank you, stomachs.
Monday, July 30, 2007
I don't pay attention to commercials. I'm either fast forwarding through them or changing the channel to something else until they're over. You know how chess masters can see 10 moves ahead? Well, my mind has a similar ability: a 2 minute clock that knows when commercials are ending. Unfortunately, that doesn't make me a chess wizard, it makes me a dork wizard.
Anyway, I did not see the commercial for "Mission: Man Band" until last night, but boy am I glad I finally did. I could not be more excited about this show. First, a little back story.
Apparently, this concept of man band comes from where all great American shows come from: the U.K. MTVUK did a show called "Totally Boyband" where they took members from various boy bands that used to be popular and put them together to form a new group. Interestingly, one of the members on that show was Danny from NKOTB, or to you traditionalists, New Kids on the Block.
Now you listen here, Britain, I can take a lot of things; bad teeth, Harry Potter, taxation without representation, but I can't take you stealing our boy banders!
Luckily, we Americans have done what we do best: we stole that shit. Ordinarily, I wouldn't be that excited about this, however, it's all in the casting. Let's go through it and you will see why I am so stoked:
First, Chris Kirkpatrick, formerly of 'NSYNC. Okay, nothing that exciting here. Pretty much what we'd expect from this show, and if it was made up entirely of this kind of guy - Lance Bass, Kevin or Howie from Backstreet Boys, Drew Lachey - it would be boring. But it gets better.
Next we have Jeff Timmons, who was known as the "second best looking guy" in 98 degrees. While Nick was smart enough to marry a dumb, hot blonde, Jeff's career disappeared faster than Katie Holmes' freedom (although he was still in the heart of my ex-girlfriend, who throughout his disappearance remained true to him. Much like Elizabeth Smart's parents, her faith has evidently been rewarded).
All right, here's where it gets good. Third, is this guy:
Don't recognize him? How about when he looked like this?
It's Rich Cronin. Who is Rich Cronin? Let me give you a hint: "I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch, I'd take her if I had one wish". Or who could forget the classic couplet: "When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet, Billy Shakespeare wrote a bunch of sonnets!"
That's right, it's the lead "singer" of LFO. They were most likely the low point of the boy band movement. That song was just horrific. It's like "Transformers" is to me now, it makes you question the country you live in. As someone on youtube posted under the "Summer Girls" video, "this is why the world hates white people. I am so ashamed".
But I was a little curious, does this guy actually sing? I just know him from his rapping skillz. Oh jeez, I can't help myself, here's another one of his rhymes: "Fell deep in love, but now we ain't speakin', Michael J. Fox was Alex P. Keaton!" I can't make this shit up!
Anyway, I found his myspace page and discovered there is no end to this man's book of rhymes. Please, please, go there and listen to "Great Mistake". You'll thank me.
And finally, the real reason to watch this show. So I'm watching the commercial, and I had to rewind it several times to figure out it Rich Cronin. But there was one guy I couldn't recognize. He was fat and kinda looked like Joey Fatone. I was racking my brain to figure out another fat boy bander. Here's what he looks like now, and this is a GOOD picture:
And I was just about to check the internet when I realized it. Color Me Badd. Color Me Badd!!!
But in my mind, I was thinking the dude on the right. But no, oh no, it's the dude on the left, the lead singer, Bryan Abrams! As Will Ferrell once said, "what the hell...happened?!"
I'm not ashamed to admit it, though I should be, that I saw these guys in concert. I can rerun the episode of 90210 they were in in my head. And who could forget their video for "Mi Amor" where they're singing on a rock.Needless to say, I was shocked. He got fat. And by doing a little research, the Handleman crack staff has discovered that he's got a problem with the bottle. He also has a problem paying his ex-wives child support. Whoops. I guess "I Wanna Sex You Up" has it's consequences. But you'd think that all that sexing you up would at least be a work out, that is one fat face.
This show premieres August 6th. You definitely should watch the trailer for it, the pictures above don't truly tell the story.
I can't wait. But just for old time sake, let's remember the better times.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
First, Laurie "BoomKat!" Ann quits the show. She's the insane choreographer that provided a lot of unintentional comedy. Her and Diddy got into a big fight over some bullshit and she just lost it. Even my boy Michael Bivins - the Tom Haden to Diddy's Michael Corleone - couldn't make the peace.
By the way, yes, this is what it's come to for Bivins - from New Edition to Bell Biv Devoe to founding Boyz II Men to being Diddy's bitch. The guy who wrote "Do Me!" should not be allowed to suffer this indignity.
Anyway, the guys came in to dance for Diddy and he thought they all sucked. He was telling all of them to "go stand in the can't dance section". But then he found out that Boomkat! (her nickname because she always yells "Boomkat!" while teaching dance moves) only worked with the boys that day and not the entire weekend.
Yelling happened. Diddy demanded that she not "interject" but she just kept interjecting, and then walked off "this cheesy ass show" (her words). Very sad. And apparently, there is now some sort of lawsuit - she claims that there she was threatened (obviously, we didn't see that part).
I could've lived with just that.
But then, DAN GOT ELIMINATED! What the hell? He was my boy! No white man should be able to sing Usher like that! It really made no sense, and I hate it when things don't make sense.
Last week, Mike Bivins said, and I quote "that boy ain't sang a bad note since he been singing". And then last night during the dancing, he was one of the only ones who wasn't put in the "can't dance" section. However, Donnie - the other white guy - doesn't have as good a voice, talked shit to Diddy, and was put in the can't dance and he was allowed to stay! Oh, and did I mention his name is Donnie and he looks like this:
Seriously?!!! How bummed is this dude that there are no more white-boy boy bands? If you name your kid Donnie and give him that hair, he literally has no chance. It's either boy band or bartender at Islands, those are your only choices.
But before I get too upset, there are two things about my Dan love which must be considered:
1. Every time it was his turn to sing, he sang "Burn" by Usher. Every time. So it's very possible he's a one song wonder.
2. Maybe I'm racist. I'm giving him extra props for being white and being able to sing like that. But still, white boys cannot sing like that! I think we should be allowed to give extra credit for these special circumstances.
Farewell, Dan. Wherever you go, please remember this one, special thing...
Monday, July 23, 2007
But first, I think Bret reads this blog because he took off the hat and do rag! And in doing so revealed why he wears them all the time: he has 20 year hat head. It ain't pretty, and I never thought I'd say this about a white man but, he looks way better with a do rag on.
Now, onto the questions this episode raised:
One of the large breasted whores got into a fight with another, even larger breasted whore, and was derided for her "meth-scratched face". Now what is this? Cause I've heard of it but I'm not exactly sure what it's all about. I'm not into drugs, never have been, so this is not my area of expertise - although my ex-convict ex-girlfriend is now addicted to meth, that came after our tenure together.
And I once heard a story about Leif Garrett scratching holes into his cheeks while hooked on drugs. Apparently he would put both hands up to his face and just dig in until the flesh was down to the bone.
Um, why? Is this one of those downsides of drugs I've heard so much about? And why isn't that in the "just say no" video that had such an impact on me but nobody else? Cause that would give people pause - "yes, I'd love try some of that meth but I'm just not ready to let go of this flesh look".
Okay, second question:
I've written about this on here before, but it was brought up again by this episode. And that thing is: can a guy get so much pussy that he gets bored and goes for some wiener?
This issue came up before because it's rumored to have gone on with various celebrities: Leo, Usher, Eddie, Jagger, etc. But my stance has always been - if you suck a dick, you're gay. If you let a guy put it in your butt, you're gay...or a girl I want to go out with.
However, Bret is challenging this philosophy. There are no dudes on this show for him to get with, but he seems to not care what any of these girls looks like. He literally wants to fuck ALL OF THEM. It does not matter who it is. It's really crazy.
I mean, I know guys in general have low standards in the ladies they'll have sex with, but we have some standards. Bret is just looking for a hole. If that hole has ginormous implants on top of it, well, that's just a bonus.
You know that at some point during a Poison tour, things got confusing, and Bret fucked C.C. Deville.
That HAD to happen. And he's not gay for it. He just thought some man-faced chick was letting him give her anal.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Thursday, July 19, 2007
This is what's been going through my brain nonstop:
1. Rob Schneider as an asian stereotype from the 1950's saying "You may kiss the husband".
2. The cute little girl saying "are you and my dad homo-sexicals?" Makes me laugh out loud everytime. Damn you, cute little girl!
And of course:
3. "Buy You a Drank", by T-Pain.
Look out, R. Kelly, T-Pain is trying to take your spot. And that little cute girl should probably look out for R. too, but for different reasons.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
When you think about it though, it's really the perfect extension of what put them on the map. They've taken the unfortunate endings of every episode of "Behind the Music" and created sad reality shows out of it. First, it was "The Surreal Life", then 5 different shows featuring Flavor of Love, then Bonaduce, and now "Rock of Love" with Bret Michaels and "Scott Baio: 45 and single". Gold! I think they should just combine shows and call it: "I used to bang Pam Anderson but now I'm pathetic and sad".
Bret Michaels is very girly (it's not helping that his number 1 pick of the girls is a man, man!). I can't tell what he's done to his face, but he's done something. I really can't stop looking at it. And I was thinking about it, and I don't think I've seen him without that hat or do rag in at least 10 years. He may have a Hulk Hogan do going on under there.
It's very difficult to top Flav. There's only one Flav. It's also very difficult to top the whole "black bachelor" concept. Having ghetto girls battle it out, and punch each other in the face, and pull each other's weaves out, and take shits on the floor, what do you do for an encore? VH1's answer? Drunk strippers and a man-whore. And I applaud that decision.
I think "rock of love" is almost as big a trainwreck as the original, and that is quite an accomplishment. And the main reason is the girls. Oh women, you are not looking good on these shows. Forget putting Hillary in the White House, y'all need to assassinate some of these bitches. It's the only way to clear your name at this point.
The show just did not stop with the hits: it began with the black girl saying "my favorite song was 'every thorn has it's rose', i loved that". And then they had Bret's "head of security" pick the 5 ugliest ones and tell them to get the fuck out before they had even met Bret. And then the rest of the girls just got in a line to make out with him and show him their boobs. Ah, whores.
I love dropping the whole premise "The Bachelor" perpetuated of "trying to meet a soulmate" and just having orgies. Girls on the Bachelor get all uptight about the guy kissing multiple girls, meanwhile in this version they don't shake hands or hug, they dry hump. And the best part is; Bret is very open about just wanting to bang every single one of them, even the unattractive ones. And that's what we want from our aging '80's hair band girlish lead singers, isn't it? It's comforting knowing that some things never change, like Bret's choice in hatwear.
Did I mention that he has two daughters? Nice. Although how can I hate, I think Flav has like 8.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
I'm questioning what business I have trying to write for television and film. If American Idol is our most popular show and "Transformers" the most popular movie, I have to be fucked. Clint Howard might as well been talking about me when he famously said in "Parenthood", "He has no business being out there, NO BUSINESS!!!"
I have no business being out here, cause I just don't get it.
Let's start with Shia LaBeouf. Really? Him? He was the least believable thing in "Transformers", a movie that featured a hot blonde as the best computer hacker in the world and talking robots. At no point is this kid not "acting". He's always doing this bizarre "on" thing, where it seems like he's just doing a take for the director where he's improving and trying to be funny. He's constantly doing schtick.
He is less the next Tom Hanks, and more the next Peter Scolari. Actually, that's an insult to Scolari, his portrayal of both Henry and Hildegard Desmond was highly underrated. But seriously, Tom Hanks can do a lot of things. Shia LaBeouf does one thing, one very annoying thing. Tom Hanks is fucking hilarious. Shia LaBeouf tries to be hilarious. Can we have a more rigorous screening process before we hand over key roles in "Indana Jones'" films, please? I think everyone should be made to play the part of Uncle Ned in "Family Ties" before graduating to the next level of stardom.
As for the movie, holy shit. I've gotten into several arguments about it this week. Arguments that featured yelling. I even called a midget a douchebag over it. It's very upsetting.
The main thing I heard against my argument (that the movie makes no sense and thus cannot be enjoyable) is: "it's based on a cartoon! it doesn't have to make sense! you just hate on movies that are entertaining! there were big explosions!"
Fuck you. That's not an argument. I like fun, entertaining movies. Hell, I'll even go on record to say that I like (some) Michael Bay movies - "The Rock", "Con Air", "Bad Boys"...I'm neither anti-Bay nor anti-fun. But come on.
I just don't understand why corniness, horrible dialogue, and a complete lack of logic doesn't kill a movie for people. How can you still be invested in a movie that doesn't make sense. How can you enjoy a movie that has scenes and dialogue that unintentionally make you laugh? There were at least 5 instances in this movie that gave me the "uncomfortable sweats", a condition I normally get while watching a hidden camera show or Elisabeth Hasselback on "The View".
I also don't understand how they can have all that money for special effects and not have a guy on staff that goes "um...that doesn't make sense" or "I think we can do better than that line".
And I don't want you to think that I'm some crazy person questioning the logic of a movie that features robots from outerspace and the hottest chick in the world liking Shia LaBeouf and not Josh Duhamel. That's not what I'm doing. I'm willing to go with the robots. I was totally onboard for that. But the way fiction works is that you setup a world with rules, and you must stick to those rules. If you establish a world in which Tara Reid is the town virgin and farts don't smell, that's fine, as long as you're consistent with that. However, this is a movie that turns the simple task of retrieving a pair of glasses into a half-hour robots-as-Buster Keaton routine. And did I mention that the robots monitor ebay from outerspace? Cause they do.
And don't tell me that this is a "kid's movie". There was not one kid in the packed theater I saw it in. Nor is the midget I argued with a kid.
Ugh, I'm turning into a crusty old man. NO BUSINESS!
Thursday, July 12, 2007
First, you will be horrified. Second, you will find it funny. Third, you will find yourself singing it. Fourth, you won't be able to get it out of your head. Fifth, you'll hate me for showing it to you. And finally, you'll find it funny again.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Another bachelor type reality show, another female going down with an ankle injury. Seriously, what the fuck? This Tessa girl knows her reality show history, she's stealing straight from Bell Bevin Devoe's playbook!
You know that "Art of War" book? BBD is like a modern day Sun Tzu.
Oh, and the best part is: she went down while competing in a fake triathlon! Holy crap, I haven't seen desperate women competing in a fake triathlon since...two months ago on "The Bachelor". It's official, reality shows have run out of ideas....2 years ago.
The best part of the ankle injury? For some reason, an ambulance was required along with a stretcher and a trip to the hospital. Somewhere, Willis Reed is weeping (to everyone who got that joke: I love you).
And then there was some crazy tennis tournament, old ladies vs. young ladies, and the winner's got...absolutely nothing. He picked the injured ankle chick to spend alone time with! Damn you BBD and your evil schemes!!!
But what the hell, man? So the old chicks winning the tennis meant nothing? You're telling me I invested my hard earned free time, made signage and placed wagers on this great matchup, and the win meant shit? I feel ripped off. To all those who don't care about common sense and consequences and logic and just enjoyed it for what it was, you'll love "Transformers".
This Amanda girl, is like, IN LOVE with the Poo. Just crazy. She's a stalker type for sure, it's really interesting to watch.
The old broads are by far better than any of the younger girls. Jayanna's cool, Maria is good, and Jen, well let's just say I'd go for some "Harold and Maude" shit anytime (damn, what's with the '70's references? I'm fucking 31, people, and it hurts me).
Anyway, Tessa and Kelli got the boot. Next week, let's hope it's that crying bitch.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
You can tell I'm pissed, and I guess the real reason is that he eliminated my two favorties this week: Lynn and Adelaide. Both eliminations made no sense whatsoever. You can't just have "shocking" eliminations without some hints. I mean, Adelaide was his favorite girl! That's what they showed us. The whole time she was the only younger girl he showed any interest in, and now she's gone? What? And the explanation was that "the kiss wasn't good". Oh shit. Don't say give me that.
First of all, she was the only one he has even wanted to kiss.
Second of all, all they did was peck! That's not a real kiss. You can't judge someone on a peck. That's like judging a pretty face by looking at some feet. And believe me, there are some hot ass girls out there with jacked up feet.
Anyway, stupid. I have to say though, I am liking Jen more and more. But what does it say about a dating show when the only cool chick is 48?!
In other reality show news, watch "Making the Band 4". I've loved the last two seasons and I love this season. That's right, I love Danity Kane, fuck off. "Sleep On It", bitch, that was my jam. And no, I'm not gay.
Why is "Making the Band" so great? Well, first of all, they get talented people. Really talented people, not American Idol idiots. People who can sing and dance for real, not dinner theater types.
And these people are in it to win it. They have to be. Because another reason that this show is great is because it's mean. It puts these people through hell. And every time they complain Diddy and his crew are like, "hey, this is what it takes to be famous, ass. If you don't like it then get the fuck out."
And that's why fans of this show love Danity Kane, because if you watched the show you saw those girls earn it. Diddy literally tortured them. They probably have Rambo style flashbacks to this very day.
This season, they're making a boy band - think less Backstreet Boys and more Boyz II Men/Jodeci. And as you know, I love me some hip hop/r&b boy bands. And no, I'm not gay.
Once again, they've picked a bunch of really talented dudes (including 2 white boys). I'd say 90 percent of them are better singers than any guy I've heard on American Idol. Which doesn't make sense to me - why aren't these guys trying out for that? Do they? Do they get eliminated? I don't know.
There's one particular guy - Dan, one of the white boys - who could easily win AI. This guy is incredible. No caucasian should be able to sing Usher's "Burn" that way. And yes, I am jealous.
Anyway, watch Making the Band 4.