Republicans Are Gay

Larry Craig is the Republican Senator from Idaho who was arrested (and pleaded guilty to) trying to get a little gay sex in a public airport bathroom. Like many conservative, closeted homosexuals, he's a big pro "family values" and anti-gay rights guy.

During the Bill Clinton scandal, he was outraged and demanded Clinton be impeached. MSNBC has been constantly running this clip of Senator Craig from "Meet the Press" in 1999 and I've seen it at least 20 times. It's comedy gold.

The Cutting Room Floor (And Other Weekend Stuff)

--Yes, I was cut out of the show for time. I thought I had taken the anal probe with such gusto that it couldn't be cut. Streep can't do anal the way I can. Another career low point. Actually, it's getting difficult to identify my low points at this point. There are too many to choose from.

--I watched "Man of the Year". Believe it or not, that is the strangest movie I've ever seen. It is not at all what I thought it was going to be. The previews make it seem like it's a standard "Comedian becomes the President" movie. But instead, it's a comedy that turns into a conspiracy thriller and then a drama and then something you really want to stop watching.

--I've never watched the FX show "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia", but there's a commercial for it that cracks me up every time. The girl on the show has a new boyfriend, and the friends think he might be retarded. So she asks the guy; "are you retarded?". And the guy goes "that's bananas, girl". I can't stop laughing about it.


--I saw a preview of "Good Luck Chuck" that also made me laugh, but for a different reason. This is the Dane Cook/Jessica Alba movie that is about a guy who sleeps with women and then the next guy they meet they marry. As you remember, this is the same shit that happens to me. After I go out with a girl, the next guy she goes out with she marries.

Anyway, I saw a preview for it awhile back and it basically laid out that premise with Dane Cook as the big star. But now, there's a new preview. It doesn't talk about the premise or Dane's character at all. It's all about Jessica Alba and how she's an accident prone clutz that Chuck likes. So when they say the title it's no longer: 'Good Luck' Chuck, it's: Good Luck, Chuck.

Obviously, the studio hates Dane Cook and are trying to sell it as a Jessica Alba movie now. Good luck, Studio.

--The finale of "Making the Band" was on last night...finally. How do you build up a show week after week and then put the finale on two weeks after the episode before and on a different night? Bizarre.

Anyway, the finale was live and just a big fat commercial for Bad Boy. The problem with the show this year was that the contestants were almost indistinguishable from each other. I spent the entire hour trying to figure out which guy Willie was. Not a good start for the band. But let's look at the silver lining: Donnie got a solo deal out of it.

That's right. The home of Mase, Junior Mafia, Notorious B.I.G., is now the home of this Bad Boy:

See Me Get Anally Probed Sunday Night

That's right, mom, your boy is making you proud on national TV again. Sunday night, 10:00 on Comedy Central - after the first commercial break.

Unfortunately, you'll have to quickly flip away from Vh1, where "Rock of Love" is just ending. I know it will be difficult. You'll want to spend the next couple of minutes thinking about Lacey's evilness, what Jes is doing on that show, and how many surgeries Bret has had on his (possibly) methed face.

But turn it, you must. Because your son is bending over and getting his ass probed by a Honduran comic in alien makeup. Another shining moment in a memorable "acting" career of half-nakedness and homo erotocism.

The women in the tennis league will be so jealous!

Racing School

My Dad is really into cars. And he has always talked about us going to a racing school together and driving around a real track. But for whatever reason, we never did it. His 60th birthday was recently and I thought it was time to make it happen. I got us a trip to lovely Fontana - home of the California Speedway and the Racetech driving school. We were going to race cars.

Now, it is important to note here that I am not what you would call an adventure seeker. I'm more what you would call a gigantic wuss. And ironically enough, it is all my dad's fault. When I was just a small youth, we went to Disneyland. I told him I would not go on a roller coaster. I was very explicit with this request. But he said we needed to go on a little train ride. I was skeptical. But he promised it wasn't a roller coaster, it was just a fun, toy train. He gave me his word. So I went on. That ride was called Thunder Mountain. I've been damaged goods ever since .

Needless to say, I was a little sketchy about the prospects of getting into a 600 horse powered vehicle. But hey, what's a little ruptured spleen in the name of male bonding?

I wasn't sure what to expect with this "school". I had done a lot of researching on the internet, but you just never know. So when we drove up I was relieved to see that the Speedway was legit. As we entered, we followed the signs passed the parking lot and right into the center of the track. Nascar-like cars raced around and I began to realize - this shit was real. Also real? The shit forming in my pants.

We checked in and we're immediately shown some helmets. Safety first, people. We tried them on and then got into our flame retardant jumpsuits. I was a jumpsuit virgin. Here's me doing my imitation of Cole Trickle as a tourist.



After I put my jumpsuit on, a lady came and taped up the shoelaces on my shoes. Can you guess why? Well you can if you've ever seen "Footloose". I started having visions of my car heading for a wall and me wanting to jump out, but I couldn't because my shoelaces were caught on the gas. "Stay down, Ren!"

Next, they take everyone in a van and circle the track. They show you the turns, the best line to take, how to pass, etc. The guy driving the van has done it way too many times. He drove the whole thing while his head was turned back to us. He was doing about 80 around the track while giving a lecture - it was the most frightening part of the day.

Then all of us were taken into a classroom. I thought they were going to teach us about the cars, how to drive, what a fuel injected engine is, why when I get my oil changed there's always something wrong with the rear differential system...

But no, the primary purpose of the half hour spent in the classroom is to SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU. I went from wanting to get out there to wanting to go home. They talked about fires and red flags and collisions and spins, I was freaked out. It was smart though. They're putting a bunch of schmoes on a track with the ability to go 140 mph, it's probably wise to remind us that we could die.

In the middle of this, the Instructor said "you're all here for the same reason...you're adrenaline junkies!"

I had to stop myself from bursting out laughing. I never thought of myself as an "adrenaline junkie" before. I always thought of myself as the exact opposite - a "caution junkie" - I get my highs off of playing it safe.

They also told us that women tended to be the best drivers in their course. The reason being is that women listen to the instruction, men don't. So when they divided the class in half, my group consisted of me, my dad, and two women. I knew we were fucked.

They took us back out on to the track, and quickly introduced us to our cars. And just like that, I put my helmet on and climbed in. They strapped me in tight. There was a roll bar that my helmet clanged against, and some sort of contraption that wouldn't allow my right arm to get into any comfortable position. And did I mention that it was 106 degrees in Fontana? Cause it was. Sweat dripped from my eyebrow into my eye and I had no ability to do anything about it. 140 mph with sweat eyes...safety first!

They put earphones in our ears so they can talk to everyone on the track. They have to turn the volume up extremely loud because the car will be loud. But before you're going, it's just deafening. It was like Jerry Stiller was living inside my brain with a megaphone.

I was the lead man, and I fired up my car and was led by a van onto the track. The first lap, we did a passing exercise. I moved to the left and two cars passed me on the right. And then they moved left and I passed them.

Then the van left and we were on our own. It was insane. First of all, it's extremely uncomfortable. Second, you're focused completely on the road and trying not to die. And third, there's a woman rearing down your ass trying to make you look like a pussy.

I kept hearing the Instructor yelling in my ear "step on the throttle number 5!" And I looked at my dashboard: I was number 4. Number 5 was my dad. And then I heard, "turn left and take your foot off the peddle, number 5. Pass him, 48!" My dad got passed by a girl.

On the track, Dale Earnhardt was known as "The Intimidator", because of his aggressive driving style. On the track, my Dad was known as "The Wholesaler"...because he's great at wholesaling plumbing supplies.

But then I heard, "Get ready to pass, 36!" Uh oh. "Turn left and lift, number 4!" I got passed by a girl.

Let's just say the Andretti legacy has nothing to fear from the Handleman father and son.

Now, the closest I've ever been to watching NASCAR is "Talladegha Nights" and the Tom Cruise (Cole Trickle himself) classic, "Days of Thunder". I don't really consider driver's athletes. The NBA is not filled with short, white guys with mullets. If it was, I'd keep the business in the front and grow out the party in the back and play point guard for the Lakers.

But I have to say that driving these cars is brutal. They beat the shit out of you. It's really, really hard work. I was worried that 20 minutes wouldn't be long enough, but when I got the call that it was time to bring the car in, I thanked God. They may not be athletes in the truest sense of the word, but as Tim Hardaway used to say, "they got skillz".

Here's Dad Handleman climbing out of ole' number 5:

We gathered with the ladies who passed us for a post-mortem. We all got certificates and told how great we drove. Apparently, Racetech depends heavily on repeat business. It was awesome, and I highly recommend it. But if you ever do it you must remember two important things when you're on the track:

1. "Rubbin's racin'", and:

2. If you're hauling ass around the oval and you see a spot up ahead coming up at you fast, get ready to pass on the right, cause that slow moving car might just belong to...The Wholesaler.

You've Probably Heard, But:

News Flash: Another "Bachelor" Engagement Called Off!

"Hunky Navy Lt. Andy Baldwin is once again a confirmed "Bachelor!" Baldwin and his Season 10 bride of "Bachelor", Tessa Horst, have called off their sham marriage. Baldwin tells In Touch, "When the fantasy wore off and the reality set in, we both realized that we weren't ready to be engaged"-- especially with the cameras gone! The relationship is allegedly still on, but Tessa is holding off on moving to Hawaii to be near the cardboard muscle man."

There's no way that they're still going out. But it will interesting to see if it's addressed on the next season (starting in September).

And in case you haven't seen him, here's the new Bachelor:

He's gonna make some famewhore very happy some day...until after the show ends.

I don't feel good about watching "The Hills" (but I do)

Let's be honest, "The Hills" wasn't a good show. It was like "Star Wars" with no Darth Vader. Or Harry Potter with no Lord Voldemort. Or "Melrose Place" with no Kimberley. But it became a better show when it got it's own "he who must not be named". And that evil one is of course, Spencer.

Jason did not count as a quality villain. He was too dumb. And also, anyone with a beard like that cannot be taken seriously.

Spencer, on the other hand, with his inability to close his mouth and lack of upper lip, is a true bad guy. At first, his evilness made the show interesting and the reason to watch. But now I'm afraid, it's making me not want to watch.

Why? Because he's so evil, he can't be trusted. Every one of his actions must be called into question. Is that proposal real? Or is it all just a part of his evil master plan to get more face time on TV?

At first glance, he's a reality producer's wet dream. He provides story lines. He's fucking up Heidi and LC's friendship! He's gonna propose, let's follow him ring shopping! He's hitting on Playboy Playmates in front of Heidi!

But wait...

This is supposed to be reality TV. And it kinda pisses me off to aid in the furthering of two fame whores career. Spencer is not only Heidi's boyfriend, but also her "manager". Obviously, these people will do anything to be famous and it bums me out to watch them do it. Of course it's not the first time people have done this, it's just the first time they've been so evil while doing it.

For further proof, Spencer is the guy who once advised his other client - Brody Jenner - to start having sex with Nicole Richie to get in the tabloids. Here's the exact quote cause I love it:

"Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna start dating Nicole Richie. And you're gonna get that skinny bitch to eat, all right? You are about to become The Guy Who Got Nicole Richie to Eat. Process that shit, bro. You'll be, like, a fucking hero to America."

And guess what Brody Jenner did? He went out with Nicole Richie and tried to get her to eat! Spencer is a puppet master.

And when you start processing his puppet master abilities, you realize that "The Hills" is all bullshit - just like Heidi's nose and boobs. Spencer and Heidi are staging stuff for maximum exposure. This is why it's good that "The Real World" and "Survivor" and other reality shows change their cast every year. They don't give their cast a chance to understand how the process works and then manipulate it. MTV should never have given He who shall not be named that chance.

But you know what? Fuck it, I knew that scar on Kimberely's head wasn't real, that didn't make it any less awesome...

I Watch "Rock of Love" With My Mom

You know, despite the fact that this show has the highest percentage of porn stars/legally insane bitches of any reality show in history, there's one girl I actually kinda like. She's hot, good at sports, has natural breasts, does not appear to be an alcoholic or meth face, and kinda seems cool. Of course, she has two main drawbacks:

She's on the "Rock of Love", and:

She (at least pretends to) like Bret Michaels.

That's right, it's Jes. The red and blonde haired, rock and roll chick. Except for her hair, it seems like she has no business being on this show. "No business!" She would've been the best girl on "Age of Love", this season's "The Bachelor", and maybe even last season's "The Bachelor". I'm thinking about starting up a Hall of Fame for non-insane, non meth-faced, non-"love plan" reality show girls.

That would be kinda awesome, I mean, just for the induction speeches alone. Could you imagine Moanna introducing Sadie the Virgin into the Hall? "She overcame so many obstacles; a goofy bachelor, bad editing, and her religious fanaticism. In a room full of drunken sluts, her vagina stayed clean and sober...ladies and gentleman, Sadie the Virgin!"

It's not as crazy as it sounds. I'm sure when ole' Abner Doubleday was trying to convince people to hit a ball with a stick, a hall of fame for such barbarity would be laughable. But aren't a guy picking between a bunch of psycho famewhores shows the new sport? Someday, friends, someday.

Anyway, it was kind of a boring episode. Lacey is still certifiably nuts. The fake boob girls still have giant fake boobs and '80's hair. Bret still will fuck anybody. Blah, blah, blah.

A couple funny things though. Three of the girls went shooting, and one of the women - Magdelena, the tall, Polish chick with the unbelievable body - turned out to be a great shot. And another one of the girls goes "she's like a Polish spy or something". Wouldn't a Polish spy be a terrible shot?

Sorry, Polish jokes.

Another funny thing was that there was a big controversy over Erin, because she was rumored to be a "star fucker". But only because her boss told her that Justin Timberlake was coming to her restaurant (Hooters, of course) and she got pissed. She got eliminated because of it. Seriously, this was like half the episode.

Now, call me a "star fucker" or even a homo if you like, but if you were to ask me if I'd be pissed about not getting to see JT? Well in the words of Justin himself from his hit single "SexyBack", "YEP!", you're darn right I'd be pissed. Would you eliminate me for that, Bret? Would you?! What kind of fascist dating regime are you running? If loving Justin is wrong, I don't want to be right. Or cool. Or able to form normal, heterosexual guy friendships.

And finally, it was a good night because I got to watch the episode with my mom. She's not a big fan of reality shows. Actually, she's not a fan of anything that doesn't have "Notting" or "Hill" in the title. Here's a sampling of her comments on the rare occasion when she looked up to the TV from her book:

"Oh, those look real"
"He is really gross"
"You watch the dumbest things"
"These are some really slutty girls"
(looking at me while shaking her head, as if it was my fault) "So dumb"
"Whats with the scarf on his head?"

Now that's a good recap.

Don't Believe What You've Heard: The '50's Were Nuts

HBO is running a documentary about the dropping of the two atomic bombs on Japan. Now, I didn't read many books as a youth. As a matter of fact, other than BBQ sauce, the thing I was second most famous for was my non-violent stand against reading.

It drove my teachers, and my parents, crazy. I even got an "F" in the 4th grade because I simply refused to do a book report. Suck on that, Ghandi!

This irked my mother in particular because when she showed up to apologize to the teacher, she discovered that my (very appalled) teacher was her old sorority sister from college. "It's so great to see you again! Yes, I'm the one who raised the boy who hates books".

I have no idea why this was, and I love to read now. It had something to do with not wanting to read what I was told to read. Yes, that's right, I was fighting the good fight. But anyway, one of the only books I did read back then (other than Magic Johnson's auto biography where he claimed to have invented the high five), was a book about Hiroshima, which was really good.

Anyway, I caught the documentary - "White Light/Black Rain" - near the end, and I'm glad I did because they have something in there that is absolutely horrifying - and it's not bomb footage.

Apparently, years after we dropped the bombs, we flew some victims to New York to get plastic surgery for their disfigurements. One of these people was the Reverend Tanimoto, who was 3,500 yards from the center of the explosion.

He went down to NBC for what he thought was an interview about the plastic surgery project, etc. Instead, he was ambushed by Ralph Edwards, host of "This is Your Life". It was a complete surprise, and he had no idea what was going on.

So the host tries to explain it to him, and then he turns to the camera and goes, "Ladies and Gentleman, This is Hiroshima!" And a FUCKING MUSHROOM CLOUD clip comes on!

And this little Tanimoto dude is just sitting there, like "what the fuck?"

But it gets worse. Cause then Edwards goes "August 6th, 1945, you've never met him, but he had a profound effect on you".

And then you see a guy's shadow behind that door and he says "after we dropped it, I saw it explode, and I wrote later 'my God, what have we done?"

Edwards goes, "that's right, it's Captain Robert Lewis, co-pilot of the Enola Gay, the man who actually dropped the bomb!"

And Lewis comes out, and he very meekly shakes Tanimoto's hand. Very awkward. I can't even describe how bad it was, you really have to see it cause I'm certainly not doing it justice. But it would be kinda like if they did Tori Amos "This is Your Life", and the first guy behind the screen goes, "After I forced myself on you, I kinda felt bad". That's right, it's the guy that raped you! And he walks out and they shake hands. It was that only times about a million.

It was the most disturbing thing I've ever seen on television, and keep in mind, I watch "Rock of Love".

Hooray for Hickory Smoke!

Everyone can relax. Our long, national, barbecue sauce nightmare is over. I checked out a different supermarket and found an acceptable Kraft replacement. Yes, orginal Kraft bbq sauce is forever changed to "more bbq flavor!" But fortunately, the good people at Kraft have decided to keep their Hickory Smoke flavor just the way it is. And I like the Hickory Smoke. They did give me a brief scare though because they changed the label, but it says "new look, same great flavor!" And it is the same great flavor. Whew! That was a close one.

I know all of you were scared. But please go back to your barbecues in an orderly manner.

Armageddon

You know about my whole salad dressing thing. But the funny thing is, for the majority of my life salad dressing was not the condiment I was most famous for. And seriously, I was actually famous for a condiment.

For anybody who grew up with me back in Moraga, all my relatives, they know that I could not live without...

Kraft Barbecue Sauce

As much as I love Wishbone, it doesn't hold a candle to what I've felt my entire life for Kraft BBQ. It's like when Dylan was going out with Kelly, you knew his true love was Brenda. Wishbone is Kelly, Kraft is Brenda...only a lot less bitchy and a lot more delicious.

I am a very picky eater. But I loved Kraft. So I would (and still do sometimes) drowned every bit of food into barbecue sauce. And I did it with all kinds of food.

Steak, chicken, and ribs, obviously, but also rice, spaghetti (I don't do spaghetti sauce, but I do do bbq sauce!), corn, potatoes, and about a million other things.

I really did not like to eat meat. At all. But the barbecue sauce made it tolerable. I had a special bottle that I would sneak into restaurants. It was like a mini-airplane liquor bottle, I was like Bailey from Party of Five only with a different kind of sauce.

For my 10th birthday, my best friend gave me a present. It was a shoebox. But I opened it, and inside were bottles and bottles of Kraft BBQ. He was a good friend.

Every Christmas when I go back home, my parents have a big holiday party with all their friends. And every Christmas they ask me the same fucking question: "You still eating that Kraft Barbecue Sauce?" Of course I am!

Through elementary school and high school, to college and now, it's always been there for me. And it's never changed. Until now...

It's like Wishbone all over again. I went into Von's to pick up a fresh bottle, and gasp! I saw that little label. The label very similar to the one that was on Wishbone. Remember that?

"Now bursting with more herbs and spices"

Fuck your herbs and spices!

It was just like that, but this one said: "Now! More bbq flavor"



Fuck your more bbq flavor! I've lived for 31 years without the bbq flavor and it's been the greatest friendship I've ever known! Nothing was missing. Nothing! Certainly not your stupid bbq flavor.

I can't believe this. What is going on with the world? Can't we be happy with what we have? Can't things stay the same? Michael J. Fox will always be Alex P. Keaton, OJ Simpson will always be that guy from "Naked Gun", and Kraft should always be my barbecue sauce!

Now, I don't know if this is a permanent thing. But let's be honest, it's not looking good. I haven't scouted the other supermarkets, but you can you bet your ass I will. This will not be tolerated. I am going to write a strongly worded e-mail to Kraft, and I encourage you all to do the same.

Dammit!

Skateboarding is Dumb

You gotta watch this whole video, it's amazing. And it pretty much sums up the life of a skateboarder.



My favorite part of this is when this guy - Jake Brown - is lying completely lifeless on the ground and the emergency people are tending to him, a graphic pops up that reads "Jake Brown - Currently in 1st". Ha! The guy in first had to die.

Age of Rock of Love...and Baio

"Age of Love" is down to two women and the finale is next week. Maria, one of the old broads, finally told the Poo she wasn't down with him and left the show. She'd been threatening to do so for weeks, but I think she finally realized she wasn't going to win and dropped out. She was kinda one of those girls who goes on a show like this and gets mad when the guy doesn't give his full attention to her. Uh, there's other girls, and some of them aren't 40.

The three girls remaining and Poo were supposed to fly back to Australia and Megan - the 21 year old - couldn't do it. She's afraid to fly. Now as a dude who also doesn't like to fly, I can't hate. But couldn't the plane trip have been mentioned to her at the beginning?

I think she was going to "win", but now we're left with psycho Amanda and the 48 year old. Dammit if I don't love the old one. She was in a bikini this episode and her body is just ridiculous. No 48 year old should look like that. She showed her wisdom by taking him back to his room for a hand job, I mean, massage. She's my pick. And I didn't even get the hand job.

As for "Rock of Love", man, it's like an NBA all star game with these girls. You just never know who is going to come out with a spectacular performance show in and show out. Any one of them have the insanity to take their crazy to the next level, so it's just a matter of who has Bret's balls in their hands with the game on the line.

This week it was the red head, Lacey. I know I throw around the terms "crazy" and "insane" very loosely around here, and I'm trying to cut down, but this chick is legitimately INSANE.

But it wasn't typical reality show out of control, loud, crazy. She was calm, relaxed even. Like she does it all the time. She's the Scott Peterson telling Amber Frey he's in Paris watching fireworks type. Or the OJ "I didn't do it but if I did here's how" person. Yikes.

The best part was when Rodeo, aka "She's a man, man!", couldn't take it anymore and put her in some kind of hold and threw her down. Finally, all those years of body building, steroids, and penis removal surgery paid off:

Yeah, that's attractive.

And of course Bret rewarded Lacey's behavior by keeping her. He's like the Phil Jackson of crazy, except in his case the "triangle offense" means penetrating vaginas.

Also this week, TMZ discovered that Brandi C, aka "Meth Face", has now turned to porn. The real story is that a porn actress turned to this show. That's way lower.

And finally, this Scott Baio show. When I heard about this, I was almost as excited as when I heard about "Mission: Man Band". For me, Baio is a legend, a true example of the American dream. With no discernable talent, barely above average looks, and a modest bank account, he has been able to have sex with every hot girl there is. Not every hot girl in Hollywood or Beverly Hills, every hot girl. His statistics are undeniable. He's a hall of famer.

And I always felt he was being underutilized. I think all guys would like to know how Scott Baio, Chachi for Christ Sakes!, could be doing this well. Finally, VH1 gave us the show. And boy does it suck.

Why does it suck? For the same reason that any reality show does: it's FAKE! Fake, fake, fake. I don't understand the need for fakeiosity. Just be real.

This schmuck fucking everything that moves based on his "Charles in Charge" fame is gold! It does not need to be faked. Let me see that reality. But no, they didn't do it that way. And who do we have to blame? Wayne, from "The Wonder Years". Who is not only Baio's buddy, he's also the executive producer of the show.

So let me just say from all of us, including Kevin Arnold: sit on it, butthead.