Sunday, September 30, 2007
But this show had something that version didn't: Jes. I've spent the entire season half-hoping she'd get eliminated just so she wouldn't have to date Bret Michaels. But it wasn't to be. She's in the final two, along with stripper/man, man! Heather. You know, the girl with the fake boobs and the real tattoo of Bret's name on her neck.
The best part of the finale? Lacey isn't in it. Some people like to have evil manipulators in their reality shows, arguing that it makes for drama and conflict and a good show. I disagree. It just bugs the shit out of me that they're allowing that person to hang around. However, I will admit, having Lacey around last episode (with her parents) made for the high point of the season. And by high point of the season I'm referring to Lacey's dad being told his daughter is a serial blow job nut job.
Anyway, onto the show...
Bret takes the girls to Cabo. That's exactly where I would expect Bret Michaels to hang out. I feel like his cowboy hat and bandana will fit in perfectly there - any place where the best club belongs to Sammy Hagar, you know it's Bret's kind of town.
Heather defends her love of the female form. She shouldn't have to, she has a penis, that's what penis's like. She's also "sick and tired" of defending the fact that she's a 31 year old stripper. Jes believes that Heather believes that Bret is her "ticket out" of dancing. I thought her ticket out of dancing would be her adam's apple.
Heather and Jes girl fight. Oh Jes, you're better than that. But in her defense, that was a stripper dress. Heather called it "a sun dress". Only if that means it's a dress that shows where the sun don't shine. I deleted that last sentence 10 times but it's stupidness kept making me laugh.
Heather tells Bret that she's in love with him and wants to spend her life with him. Bret uses this vulnerable moment to take her back to his room and bang the bejezus out of her.
My girlfriend Jes comments on Heather's appearance the next morning "she sashays down in her hooker dress, with her hair all fucked up - oh, her hair's always like that so I guess that wasn't different". Marry me, you faux red headed bartender/stylist.
Bret has diabetes, and kinda pronounces it funny. He tells Jes he doesn't feel well and shows her a needle that she should poke him with if he goes into shock. This ain't the Bachelor, folks. In a related story, what the hell happened to candy bars?!
The funny thing is, Jes has the exact same reaction to all this needle talk that I would have: she cries. I'm not sure why she cries, but I hate needles. And aging rock stars. And Poison. The rock band, not poison. Well I guess I technically hate regular poison too.
They end the date in the hot tub. Not exactly the place you wanna be if you go into insulin shock, but whatever...
I don't even know what to say about Heather's hair for the final decision. Think Marilyn Monroe crossed with Phil Specter crossed with Cameron Diaz's cum look in "Something About Mary".
Bret asks the the girls if both of them will be his girlfriend. The idea is if one of them says "yes" he'll know she's not the one. It's a lot like that episode of "Seinfeld" where Elaine and Kramer both think a bike belongs to them, and they have Newman decide who gets it. And then Newman says that they will cut the bike in half and each take a part of it. Kramer says no, he can't let the bike be cut, give it to Elaine. So Newman awards the bike to Kramer because "only the bike's true owner would rather see it go to another than see it destroyed". I watch too much TV.
Um, instead of these Newmanium head games, why not just pick the girl you like the most?
Heather, of course, says: "I'd love to!" Whore. Enjoy that tattoo.
Jes says "I can't share someone I care about". Ha! Oh wait, that means she wins. No!
There's only one thing I can think of that explains how I'm feeling right now:
Now I hear you found somebody new
And that I never meant that much to you
To hear that tears me up inside
And to see you cuts me like a knife
I guess every rose has it's thorn...
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn
Yeah it does
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
The big thing now is themes - we had "The Prince", and then "An Officer and a Gentleman", and this season it's "The Entrepreneur". They didn't put a title on it in the beginning, but the first season was "The Search for a Beard". And then of course there was that year it was "Jerry O'Connell's Brother. Seriously".
This guy is named perfectly: Brad. He's from Texas. This will be driven home ad nauseum for the run of the show. Texas! Oil fields! Southern accents! No razors!
Now, this is coming from a heterosexual man, but he seems to be handsome. If Prince Lorenzo is a 1 and Dr. Travis is a 10, I'd guess he's an 8.5. Yes, I just gave a man a number value. But hey, Chris Harrison repeatedly said he's "the sexiest Bachelor ever!" At least I didn't do that. Cause that's way worse, at least that's what I'm going to keep telling myself.
Somehow this guy managed to go from working at an oil refinery to owning 4 bars and becoming a millionaire. They sidestep how he made this magic happen, but the conspiracy theorist in me believes he raised the money by working in Vegas as a McSteamy impersonator. I said McSteamy, shut up.
All right, let's meet the girls...
SHEENA - 23, from my neck of the woods, Walnut Creek. She's blonde, busty, tall...and busty. Brad ushers her inside very quickly, which will quickly become a pattern
JENNI - She's a Phoenix Suns dancer, sort of a more annoying Jennifer Love Hewitt, and that's saying something.
KIM - She's a realtor and 31 and thinks she's the tallest person alive.
SARAH - A bar manager from Illinois. She's 23. Sure she is.
BETTINA - Really? Bettina? Okay, she's from Hermosa, another former hometown of mine. A typical Hermosa girl, tall and blonde. And her name is Bettina.
JESSICA - She's a news anchor, so there's a good bet she can pronounce spanish words.
MORGAN - A big brunette from Tempe. She's a graduate student. Hmm, a grad student at ASU? I didn't know they had doctorates in beer pong.
RIGINA - The black girl!!! And she knows it! She tells him her name is "Ms. Brown Sugar".
ERIN - Curly blonde hair, spunky, Brad keeps greeting every girl with "how are YOU?" like each is the hottest girl he's ever met.
TANNI - She's admitting to being 31, nice. I cannot emphasize enough how much Brad is saying "see you inside".
DEANNA - She goes for the gimmick and introduces herself in Greek. No one cares. But she's kinda cute, even in a zebra dress.
JULI - "Juli, without an 'e' on the end". You know what? Fuck you.
MCCARTEN - Yep, McCarten. She shouldn't be on this show. She should be on Reno 911 and forced to marry Thomas Lennon. "Hi, I'm McCarten Lennon".
SUSAN - 35 years old!!! I think the Bachelor is trying to steal from "Age of Love" this season, and I respect that.
LYNDSEY - She beats Brad to the punch by saying "I can't wait to talk to you inside". He's totally confused by this and has nothing to say.
SOLISA - She's kinda hot and from Austin. Brad is stoked. I'm feeling "first impression rose". I'm so gay.
ESTAFANIA - A ghetto black couple named all of these girls.
HILLARY - A nurse from Philadelphia, Brad doesn't care, he quickly tells her to get inside. Oh that's right, he's doing that to everyone.
LAURIE - Her face keeps popping up, so I think she might be staying for awhile. But I'm not that impressed.
NATALIE - 25, a law student from Texas. She's semi-Asian. Tessa-esque, but cuter.
MALORIE - She's from Hawaii but clearly not a native. Another cute blonde, actually, she might be the best looking blonde. But if you're named Malorie, all I can think is that you're dumb, you love shopping, your boyfriend is an artist named Nick, and you know that SCUBA stands for "self contained underwater breathing apparatus".
MICHELE - A Jersey girl, not cute, and admits to 30. Man, they must've put a lie detector test on these broads this season.
MELISSA - She's pretty, a lot of makeup though. Another blonde. I think there are better looking girls in general than last season. I mean, BBD and Tessa weren't exactly hotties. I'm feeling good about this.
JADE - She tells Brad that he has gorgeous eyes, he tells her she has "a gorgeous name". Nice one, Brad.
Brad goes inside for the liquor fest. DeAnna, the zebra dress girl, gets some one on one time. She goes for the "dead mom" card early. Interesting strategy, look for her to sprain an ankle next episode.
This guy talks. really. slow. Could get annoying. Not Jerry O'Connell annoying, but annoying.
Somehow in the intros I missed a girl named Kristy. She does some gimmick with her tongue and his tongue, oh, I don't know. Just offer to blow him, sweetie, guys don't get subtlety.
Two blondes double team Brad and tell him "breaking their face" stories. It's funny, cause only one of them looks like she has a broken face.
Brad likes Jenni, the Phoenix Suns dancer, because "she laughs at everything I say". Sadly, that's my standard for liking girls as well. Even more sadly, none of the girls who laugh at everything I say are Phoenix Suns dancers.
Lindsey, the model, sings a horrible song. Not as bad as that Asian girl singing the national anthem last season, but only cause she kept it short.
Suddenly, this show becomes "America's Got Talent", or rather, "Whores Got Talent". The hell? Ladies, showing how you can do the human pretzel is not the way to go. Study the show! Singing and kart wheels never gets it done. I think I should start a Bachelor tutoring course:
"(Fame) Whoring, the Handleman Way".
One of the girls, Melissa, "loses a boob". She stuffs, and it fell on the floor and she didn't notice for an hour. There's always a standout drunkard on show one, Melissa is it. We applaud you.
As part of this crazy talent thing, the Tempe girl displays her webbed toes. Seriously. This happened. Lesson 1 of the Handleman Bachelor course: Do not show off webbed digits.
A blonde chick - Valerie - suddenly has a bikini on, and gets in the pool. What is going on? I might have to incorporate this strategy into the course, cause it's genius. Especially if you have no personality.
Jenni gets the "first impression" rose. Men are truly simple. You don't need talent, you don't need to pull a stunt, just laugh at everything we say. That's it...and also be a dancer for a professional sports team.
They've brought back the "deliberation room". It's been missing in recent seasons, and I think only I noticed. Let's keep that between us.
THE ROSE CEREMONY
JADE is in. Well, he does think her name is gorgeous.
BETTINA gets a rose. This guy loves weird names.
MCCARTEN is in. Holy shit! Somewhere in Compton, Laquisha is kicking herself for not submitting an application.
HILLARY is the first normal name in. Cute blonde.
DEANNA corrects Brad on the pronunciation of her name. Despite the zebra look, I kinda like her.
MICHELLE, who I consider to be the least attractive, gets a rose.
SHEENA, the tall and busty blonde, accepts a rose.
STEFFI is in. I swear I didn't see him talk to any of these girls all night, except for DeAnna.
ERIN gets a rose. She's one of the broken face girls. Not a fan.
SOLISA is hot, and she's in. I like.
LINDSAY is in. Not a fan. I'm not a big blondes guy, and there are a shit load of blondes.
SARAH is very cute and she gets a rose. Thank the Lord. I hate when they eliminate great looking girls for no reason on the first night.
Ey, MALLOREEE!!! Skippy is sad, cause Mal is chosen.
Chris Harrison announces to the world that this is the final rose!
KRISTY gets a rose. She was the tongue girl. Maybe he does get subtlety.
I'm not sure, I'd have to rewatch it, but I think he eliminated most of the old women. Suck on that, Age of Love! Also, Ms. Brown Sugar got cut. Did he not read the manual? You must keep the black girl until the second episode. This is an outrage.
Well, I wrote most of this at 1am half drunk and alseep, on a tiny screen in the corner of my crappy ass laptop. But I am a soldier in the "Bachelor" army, that is what I do. Hope I didn't fuck it up. Please share your thoughts...see you next week!
Hopefully, it'll be up by the end of the day or early tomorrow. Thanks.
Monday, September 24, 2007
My friend D-Train (he's like Mystery or J-Dawg or The Matador) sent me something that I can't stop laughing about. I knew it was good when I had the temerity to forward it to my sister - who really hates forwarded jokes, especially when they're from my grandma and they're about golf.
This one wasn't really a joke, it's just a picture. A picture that I now ritualistically look at every morning. It's just a great way to start the day.
The picture is entitled: Little Girl or Chris Farley? You be the judge...
Photo Source: D-Train
Friday, September 21, 2007
I remember watching it for the first time ever on cable, probably 15 years ago at least, and being completely blown away by it. It's always cool to find something that's great that you've never heard of before, but then I inevitably get annoyed that no one told me about it. Anyway, the movie I'm referring to is:
1. "Defending Your Life" - It stars Albert Brooks, who also wrote and directed it. Meryl Streep is, of course, terrific as the leading lady. It's funny cause as good as she does all that weepy stuff, she might be even better at comedy. But for some reason no one likes to give credit to comedy (see: Oscars).
Albert Brooks has had his good moments and his bad moments, and some may consider him a genius. If he is, then his "Annie Hall" is "Defending Your Life". A perfect movie...that no one ever says is a perfect movie.
2. "Malice" - All you need to know about "Malice" are 2 things: It was written by Aaron Sorkin and Scott Frank (who wrote "Out of Sight" and a million other great things). And the second thing is that Alec Baldwin gets to say this:
"I have an M.D. from Harvard, I am board certified in cardio-thoracic medicine and trauma surgery, I have been awarded citations from seven different medical boards in New England, and I am never, ever sick at sea. So I ask you; when someone goes into that chapel and they fall on their knees and they pray to God that their wife doesn't miscarry or that their daughter doesn't bleed to death or that their mother doesn't suffer acute neural trama from postoperative shock, who do you think they're praying to? Now, go ahead and read your Bible, _Dennis_, and you go to your church, and, with any luck, you might win the annual raffle, but if you're looking for God, he was in operating room number two on November 17, and he doesn't like to be second guessed. You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I am God."
3. "The Girl Next Door" - This is the movie that probably no one will agree with me on. But I love it. LOVE IT. It's seriously one of my favorite movies. I own only 5 DVD's or so, and this is one of them.
I think it got lost in it's release, and critics dismissed it as the "high school kid dates porn star" movie. But it's more than that, and it wasn't taken seriously. I really believe that if this was Judd Apatow's next film, written by Seth Rogen, etc., it would be heralded as a comedy classic. But it didn't have that pedigree, and so it was ignored.
As you'll see in the coming years, Emile Hirsch (the main character) is a star. And he's great in it. But even if you hate this movie and think I'm an idiot right now, you have to admit that Timothy Olyphant is GENIUS in this movie. He takes it to another level that "Superbad" didn't have.
4. "Out of Sight" - This is one of my favorite movies ever - Steven Soderberg's best, J. Lo's acting peak, Steve Zahn's comedy apex, Don Cheadle doing a funny, fast talking black guy, and Cloooney being Clooney. If you haven't seen it, you need to.
5. "EdTV" - Why does this movie get so little respect? It's not a classic or anything, but it's pretty darn good. Yes, Jenna Elfman AND Ellen DeGeneres are in it, but let's try and look past that. Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson play brothers, and I think they actually are brothers. It's very strange. McConaughey is so good in this movie that I've given him a free pass on his subsequent 10 shit ass movies (yes, even that one with Sarah Jessica Parker and Terry Bradshaw. Terry Bradshaw?).
6. "The Cable Guy" - This thing got hated on because Jim Carrey was the first actor to get $20 million bucks to do it. Why do people care how much the actors are paid or how much the movies costs? Is it your money? No? Then shut up and enjoy it and thank God people will spend this much money to make a movie about a Cable Guy!
Every time I meet a person who says it sucks, I go:
Me: What about the basketball scene?
Them: That was funny.
Me: What about the Medievil Times scene?
Them: That was really funny.
Me: What about Owen Wilson?
Them: That was funny.
Me: What about the karaoke jam?
Them: Pretty funny.
Me: What about the porno password scene?
Them: That was hilarious.
Me: But the movie sucked?
7. "Bring It On" - You all know my feelings about this movie at this point.
8. "Under Siege" - The greatest ever "Die Hard on a ..." movie. Plus, Tommy Lee Jones' performance sparked the "Tommy Lee Jones must be in every movie made" law enacted in the mid '90's.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
And is it really stealing if it's your stuff? Jodie Foster's gunning down people in the subway left and right and she's some kind of hero, and you're gonna call OJ a criminal? I don't think so.
Did they arrest Batman? No! They made movies about him! A mugger would take an old lady's purse and Batman would use a boomerang to get it back, is that armed robbery? Well OJ doesn't have access to boomerangs, this isn't fucking Australia, he has our version of boomerangs: dudes with guns.
Now I'm not going as far as to say that OJ is the Dark Knight, but he was a black running back. And even if he did do it, it was probably because he loved that memorabilia too much.
Monday, September 17, 2007
What was the movie that finally got me to walk? It was the documentary "King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters".
It's a simple story of good vs. evil. The evil is a guy named Billy Mitchell, who recorded the highest score ever on Donkey Kong in 1982. The good is Steve Wiebe, who gets laid off from his job and attempts to break the Donkey Kong record. Seriously, that's what the movie is about, and it is awesome. It's not only a hilarious story, it's also really well told. I can't say enough about it.
Unfortunately, I think the only theater that's actually playing it is the one across from me. I don't know why. It's awesome. But definitely rent it when it comes out on DVD.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
This has become a real dilemma. The emergence of season long arcs has made watching any new drama a game of Russian Roulette. Did they get the kid back in "Kidnapped"? Did the "Brothers Donnelly" go on to rule their neighborhood? Did the "Knights of Properity" rob Mick Jagger? What happened to the "Models, Inc" crew? We'll never know the answers to these questions, and it hurts us. So we must choose what to watch carefully.
With that being said, here's what I'm rolling the dice on:
Sunday still sucks. It's gotten so bad that CBS has resorted to showing the first "musical/drama" on TV since "Cop Rock" (another Cop Rock reference). It's executive produced by Hugh Jackman (can you believe it, mom? Hugh - a man's man - is into musicals! Yep, Hugh Jackman, totally a musical loving hetero)
So what's left?
9:00 "Curb Your Enthusiasm" - Sunday has really become HBO's night, although who knows now that "The Sopranos" is over. The first episode of "Curb" was great:
"What were you doing, Larry?"
"Just eating some penis".
Here's where things get interesting. Lots to choose from.
8:00 "Chuck" - There have been tons of commercials for this, I hope it lives up to the hype. While last year was the year of "Lost" copycats, this is the year of comic book geek slacker dudes. And between "Knocked Up" and "Superbad" and the TV slate, it's truly the year of the dork. I blame Seth Cohen.
8:00: "How I Met Your Mother" - I kinda stopped watching last season - too many bad episodes. But I'm willing to give it another chance.
8:30 "The Big Bang Theory" - Here's another show with good commercials and starring dorks. Plus, it's an actual sitcom, so I'm mandated to watch.
9:00 "Heroes": I just have a bad feeling about this show. I'm getting "Desperate Housewives" season 2 vibes - just a little too much hype right now, and that finale left a bad taste in my mouth. Also leaving a bad taste in guy's mouths? Hugh Jackman. I apologize.
9:30: "Samantha Who?" We have to watch this show, cause Pamie writes for it. What's the premise? Well lets' just say that some of us call it "My Name is Girl".
10:00: "The Bachelor". The new bachelor has an identical twin. I'm sure that the producers aren't going to use the twin to fake out the bachelorettes. No way is that going to happen.
10:00 (TiVO): "Journeyman". I will watch anything that includes Scott Bakula. In a related story, I will watch anything with the same premise as "Quantum Leap".
WRITER'S NOTE: I'm throwing in the towel on "Prison Break". It's just...this show was not meant to be more than two seasons.
WRITER'S NOTE #2: I can't promise to stick to the above Writer's note.
8:30: "Carpoolers" - I might give this show a chance. Not sure yet though because...do I really want to aid and abet Jerry O'Connell?
9:00: "Reaper" - At first, I was determined not to watch this show. I mean, it's on the CW. And secondly, Kevin Smith directed the pilot. This angers me.
I personally think that Kevin Smith is the worst writer in film history, but I acknowledge that some people think he's good. But even those people agree, he's a horrible director. His movies are all about the dialogue. So why on earth would you write a show and have him direct it? Makes no sense!
However, I like the premise (A dork's (another dork!) soul was sold to the devil by his parents, and now he has to help Lucifer capture bad guys who have escaped hell), and I've heard great things about it.
9:00: "Bionic Woman" - This thing looks cool. And I hate Addison, so why would I watch her spin off?
10:00: "Life" - Man, I guess NBC is my big winner so far (without yet seeing a show). I like this premise. Cop gets out of jail after it's discovered he was framed, he gets back on the force and tries to find out who set him up. This one also has good commercials. So maybe it's not NBC so much as their marketing team. Damn you, Zucker.
10:00: "Dirty Sexy Money" - You know what they say, if Billy Baldwin's in it, it's good.
8:30: "30 Rock" - "30 Rock" placed 137th in the ratings last year. Okay, this was the best comedy on TV, easily. 137th? What hope do sitcoms have if people would rather watch Steve Sanders do the cha cha? I am very, very worried.
9:00: "The Office" - there is no way that this show can sustain itself if it does this many hour long episodes. Sitcoms are a half hour for a reason. This is a huge, desperation mistake by Zucker, and it might kill this show. That would suck. Also, here's a quote from my sister: "How does Carell have time to do all this stuff?"
"Friday Night Lights": The best new show banished to Friday. Thanks a lot, American viewers! Although, I guess it makes sense since Friday is in the title. I hope it maintains the quality of last year. I always feel like when shows go to Friday or Saturday, they start sucking. Or maybe it's just they feel sucky because it's the weekend and I'm watching the show and not having a life and it's me that's sucking...I'll shut up now.
Wednesday, 9:00. January, 2008: "Lost", bitch.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Man, I really wish I was in Vegas talking back stage with R. Kelly. But instead I was at the Shrine Auditorium in downtown Los Angeles talking back stage with Hanna Montana - ironically, R. would probably rather be where I was.
This is the first year that the Creative Arts Emmys have been televised (it airs next Sunday on E!), and it's the Emmy's, but for the technical people - makeup, costume, editing, etc. - and they also hand out a couple of awards for "guest starring" parts and some reality show categories.
I was brought in late in the game to add some jokes and it was a little awkward. These people had been slaving away on this show for weeks and I come in a couple days before with my wacky Larry Craig and "Kid Nation" jokes.
Sample: "Those kids on "Kid Nation" should feel lucky, it could’ve been worse; they could’ve been sent to Alec Baldwin Nation. (Hard to believe but this joke didn't make the cut)
But everyone was really great to work with and the show turned out well. It's always cool the bonding that happens when you put on a live show, it's very similar to putting on a high school play, except for everyone is good at their job and the Dog Whisperer is there.
Also cool, the Shrine Auditorium. You'll never find a nicer auditorium closer to the ghetto. I think the street next to it is where Ricky was gunned down in "Boyz 'N The Hood".
I had to rent a tuxedo for the occasion. I wish I wasn't such a wuss and went for the Shaq-alicious white coat/orange shirt and a tie model I saw on a mannequin, but I kept it conservative.
I got to hang in the back with a lot of celebrities. Josh Duhamel - very pretty, Blair Underwood - even prettier, Kristin Bell was there, Omar Epps, Dixie Carter!, Mekhi Pfifer, Maura Tierney, Billy Ray and his daughter, "Ugly Betty's"America Ferrara...but the guy I was most excited to see was Blumberg himself.
That's right, Greg Grunberg, who played Sean Blumberg on "Felicity", and looks exactly like my ex-agent was a presenter.
I really wanted to ask him about Smooth-aise, or Lact-O's milkless cereal, but I tried to stay professional.
And I was professional, until this happened...
Ned has this friend, this girl, who gives him watches to wear on TV. Her dad used to be partners with Jacob the Jeweler, and they had a falling out and now he's on his own. So he lets Ned wear these really expensive watches just so they'll show up on TV.
This girl is really cute, and always seems to show up at events like this. And she HATES ME. She always pretends like she doesn't remember meeting me (we've met 5-10 times) so I always pretend that her dad IS Jacob the Jeweler. This drives her insane and makes me very, very happy.
Anyway, I'm standing backstage and I see her. She doesn't acknowledge me or say anything, so I think to myself "here we go again with this girl". She was sitting around for most of the show and not paying attention. Until the "best original song category" comes up, which features "Dick in a Box" as a nominee.
She stands right in front of me as we watch on the monitor and "Dick in a Box" is announced as the winner. She gets really excited and starts clapping.
I lean in close to her and go, "yeah, but 'Hot Rod' SUCKED!" And she whips around and puts her index finger up to my face, all pissed off. She didn't say anything, she just held the finger there for a beat and then quickly turned back around. Then I lean in and go, "but "Hot Rod" did SUCK!"
A little bit later, I tell Ned that "Watch Girl" never remembers me. He looked at me, confused, and goes "she's not here, she's in New York". And I go, "no, she's right there". And he looks at the girl, and goes "that's not her, bro".
About 20 minutes later, I see Samberg and his boys walk by, along with, THAT GIRL. She is Samberg's publicist! I told Andy Samberg's publicist that "Hot Rod" sucked! Whoops...my bad. It did suck though...
The Governor's Ball was after the show in an adjoining room to the theater and it was sick. I ate dinner next to Jean Smart and her husband. You know, when I was a kid I could only dream about dining with one of the "Designing Women". The dream probably would've been Annie Potts over Smart, but I can't quibble. She's awesome, totally cool though slightly appalled by my eating habits.
I brought my camera and my family members told me to get pictures of celebrities. But I felt weird asking people to take pictures. A lady friend of mine is a huge fan of Rex Lee - Lloyd from "Entourage". So I figured I would get one with him and that would be it. But one Rum and Coke led to another, one dance to a Prince song led to another, and suddenly, Rex was gone. I missed my chance.
However, there was an Asian actor there who is even bigger and better than Lloyd. He was Lloyd before Lloyd. In fact, I would argue he is the greatest Asian actor this country has ever had. A comedic genius.
Long Duck Dong...and an Oily Bohunk.
"The Donger needs food!"
Thursday, September 06, 2007
BC and I lost touch after college. He found a girlfriend and tried to be a one woman man, and I don't think he liked having a friend around who knew all about his shady past.
Soon after I met my other "Player" friend. And since we were now full grown adults, I couldn't credit his conquests to early onset of puberty. Also, he was completely unassuming. He's not a bad looking guy at all, but he's also not Zac Efron (that reference is for my younger demo). You would never guess that he had Wilt Chamberlain (for males 45-65) like stats. But he did.
You could say he was a lot like Bret Michaels - minus the do rag, cowboy hat, and facial surgeries. He just wanted to have sex with every single girl he met. Women immediately knew who he was and what he wanted and to my astonishment, were (many times) cool with it.
White girls, black girls, asian girls, online girls, bar girls, Vegas girls, Indian girls, old girls...dude was nuts.
Meanwhile, I'm getting nothing. And I just want one! And...I'm a nice guy!
I'm still young.
Since I've never been married and I'm a ridiculous over-thinker, I've had a lot of time to analyze this whole playa/meeting girls situation. My roommate (at the time) and I would talk about it a lot, especially after witnessing many a chest baring, sunglasses on the head douchebag get girls.
But I never really talked about it much with anyone else. And I never thought it was something that a lot of other people thought about. In my mind, I was the only idiot.
Until I saw a show on Vh1...
This network has given us so much this summer. It gave us "Rock of Love", which in turn gave us my new favorite insult: meth face. It gave us "ManBand", which in turn gave us Sure Shot! It gave us "Baio", which was kinda mean, cause Baio sucks. But amid the meth face fame whores, the bloated boy banders, and Chachi, the real gem of the VH1 slate featured a guy wearing a thumb ring, tattoos, a big fur hat and eyeliner...and it wasn't Bret Michaels.
It's Mystery, the star of "The Pick Up Artist". I didn't watch this show at the beginning. It seemed like a generic, lame reality show featuring a guy I hated on site.
But then I caught the tail end of a rerun one day. And I was hooked. I loved it. And the reason was, and I really, really hate to say it...Mystery (I even hate having to refer to him as Mystery).
He's really trying to teach these dorks how to meet women, and it's working. He's not playing a Simon Cowell type character, he's not being fake, he's just honestly trying to help and it's fun watching their transformation and their camaraderie amongst each other (their Bro-mance, if you will).
But it didn't make sense to me. How can a guy claim to be the best pick up artist in the world? How can he get a show on VH1? And more importantly, how could he do it all while wearing that hat?
So I got the Handleman research team involved. I'm unemployed (though not this week, that's why Part II has taken awhile), and when I have nothing to do I like to look up random facts - like, what are the members of Another Bad Creation up to now? Or, is Fred Thompson's wife younger than his son? (answer: yes)
I looked up the show and Mystery, and found out that he is a legend in the seduction community. Yes, I said "seduction community". At this point, it was very difficult for me to get past the fact that "seduction community" is the the lamest named community of all time.
Here is the wikipedia definition of it: The seduction community is a loose-knit subculture of men who strive for better sexual and romantic success with women through self-improvement and a greater understanding of social psychology.
It also mentions a book called "The Game", by New York Times and Rolling Stone writer Neil Strauss, who supposedly went undercover in the community as "Style" and with the help of Mystery himself, transformed from nerdy, average guy, into the greatest pick up in the world (even better than Mystery).
That sounded insane, and sort of impossible, so I read the book...and it completely blew my mind. It must have been how Travolta felt when he read some L. Ron Hubbard science fiction, or how Clay Aiken felt when he saw "Cop Rock".
It blew me away because it was literally everything I had thought about but never really put into words. It was like I had written it - except for the part where he transforms himself into a ladies man and has sex with supermodels. It described my 2 friends perfectly, almost like the guy knew them.
It speaks the truth...and it ANGERS ME.
Why? Because the guys having the most success with women are the guys dressing up like clowns and doing magic tricks. Literally. Women don't want want to be complimented, they want to be snubbed.
And all women are thinking right now, "that stuff doesn't work on me". Sure it doesn't. The two greatest pick up artists in the world are named Mystery and Style and wear goggles and furry hats, but it doesn't work on you.
Maybe it doesn't work on all of you, but it works enough.
But you just have to read the book and watch the show. It's really good stuff. I'm sorry I took so much space talking about this and building this up, it just brought back memories of BC and my other friend and my sad history of meeting girls.
I think an episode of Seinfeld summed up game the best:
Kramer: "Women, they love the snub! (clapping his hands together, concluding) I understand women.
George: "No, they don't. I snubbed for a whole year. You've never seen women happier."
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
I've said it before, but it needs to be said again: She really has no business (no business!!!) being on this show, but that's what makes her so great. She gets to do what we all would do, which is call Lacey a psycho bitch 30 times an episode.
When you think of Ty Cobb, you think of baseball, racism, and a really, really bad movie starring Tommy Lee Jones. But now you must also think of Jes. Because like Cobb, she is a charter member of a Hall of Fame. My Reality Show Hall of Fame. And she's even better than Ty Cobb, cause she doesn't hate blacks.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Let's call him BC for story's sake.
I was in the 7th grade when I first heard that name and the whispers that followed. The whispers were from girls. It was his first day in school and somehow he was already a wanted a man. And to me, he was already a hated man.
I had to hate him. I mean, how dare this outsider take my women! Of course, they were neither women nor mine, but whatever. The last thing I needed was more competition for the girls I wasn't getting.
I went out to our Junior High fields where a couple of guys were kicking a soccer ball around, one of whom was BC. He was tall and filled out with a 5 o'clock shadow, and looked just about identical to how he would look 10 years later. This dude had hit puberty in the 3rd grade!
Through basketball, football, and just about every other sport on the planet, BC and I became friends. We became even better friends when he took himself off the market and started dating a girl named Kelly. She was about a foot taller than me, so I was happy that I now had the girls who wanted nothing to do with me all to myself.
Over the next couple of years, BC and I became best friends. He was a closeted comic book geek with an unhealthy obsession for Batman. I wasn't into that shit, but he was the closest thing to a superhero I had ever seen. Random girls would approach him...all the time. He would go out with every hot girl in school from every different clique. He was the Dark Knight, and I was Robin. Uncool, virgin Robin. But I felt lucky just to be in the movie.
I remember once he was going out with two 18-year old seniors at the same time, who of course didn't know about one another. One was a very cute track star with a full ride to Notre Dame and was bitchy to everyone. The other was a cheerleader and arguably the hottest girl in our town. He got them both. He was 15 years old.
When he was 17 his girlfriend was a 23 year old women who he met at the mall while clothes shopping with his mom.
When he was 18 he was having casual sex with the hot trainer for the high school basketball team, who was married.
Now, I was an eye witness to all of this. And I just didn't get it. These girls knew who BC was. In many cases, they knew his reputation. He was kind of an asshole. And when we'd all hang together, they'd seemingly like me a lot more than they liked him. And then at the end of the night they'd go home with BC. But he's an asshole. I'm a nice guy!
I was young.
But let's back up a bit to when we were still sophomores. I was at home. There was a knock at the door. BC was in a panic and needed a place to crash for a bit. I'm like, "what's wrong, man? Are you all right?" And he says, "you can't tell anyone what I'm about to tell you. I was at Carrie's house..."
"It doesn't matter. Her parents were gone. So we started having sex..."
I jumped out of my chair. "What?!!! You have sex? Since when do you have sex?" He smiles at me, like, you're so young. Of course we were the same age but it was still true.
"I've been having sex for a long time."
"You've been having sex and you never told me?"
"I thought you knew."
I should mention at this point that BC is, and will always be, a pathological liar. Well, that's not entirely true. He would never make up stuff about himself, he didn't need to. He never told anyone anything over what was asked for. He didn't brag. It was like he wanted you to think he was a good person, even though in a lot of ways he wasn't. He had more secret lives going than Bruce Wayne himself.
"How would I know you have sex? You've never told me that."
"Remember that time I told you about me and Kelly in the shower?"
"Dude, if you're in a shower with a girl you have to have sex with her. You should assume that."
I realized at that moment that I had a lot to learn about love and showers, and was unsure that if I'd ever learn it.
"Wait. The you and Kelly in the shower story is from the 7th grade?
Sex in the 7th grade. When I think about it now it kinda makes me sick. But back then, my mind was blown. I didn't even have pubes yet!
"So we start doing it doggystyle..."
I had to keep myself from jumping out of my seat and yelling "doggystyle!!!"
"And her dad walks in..."
"Holy shit. What happened?"
"I put my pants on and said that maybe I should go. And I did. And I'm pretty sure he called my mom."
"Cause he said: I'm calling your mom."
That was BC. Shit like that was always happening to him. And it wasn't like he was really trying that hard. He was a natural. Women were drawn to him. It was amazing and depressing to me at the same time. How could so many girls be throwing themselves at this dude and I can't get one?
I didn't know the answer to that. But I chalked it up to his good looks and the fact that he had been shaving since elementary school. But when I met the second "Player" friend, I realized that I was wrong...
(This got long, so I'll write Part II soon and hopefully get to the point)