My Sad History of Halloween Costumes

I hate halloween, or as my sister calls it, "amateur night". I'm just not into dressing up. I think it's because I'm an adult.

It's cool for the people who are way into it, but for people like me it's just embarrassing. In other words, if you're going full bore with the makeup and the wig and the well thought out costume, everyone gets you. You love Halloween and that's awesome.

But for the people who just want to go to some party and they won't let you in unless you're dressed up and you're forced to throw on a bad coat, a funny hat, a cane, and call yourself a pimp, Halloween sucks.

I'm that second guy. And to prove it, here are the half ass costumes I've worn for every Halloween, as best as I can remember:

1st Grade: Superman

2nd Grade: Football player

3rd Grade: Superman

4th Grade: Wonder Woman (seriously, I wore my sister's Wonder Woman costume. Is it any surprise that I watch "Gossip Girl" and "This Hills" religiously?)

5th Grade: Don't remember

6th Grade: Gumby - Not Gumby Gumby, but Eddie Murphy as Gumby. I walked around and said "I'm Gumby, dammit!"

7th Grade: Hanz - as in, Hanz and Franz. My friend Steven was the aforementioned Franz.

8th through High School: No recollection.

Freshman Year of College: Deion Sanders - Since I wanted to be black, I owned a red "do-rag". But since I'm white, I never actually wore it. Halloween gave me the opportunity to wear it without being laughed at...or so I thought.

Sophomore: 2pac - Again, the do rag.

Junior: Clark Kent - I owned a blue T-shirt with the Superman symbol on it, and I put on a button up shirt with a tie slightly undone and glasses.

Senior: Clark Kent.

1999: Clark Kent.

2000: Don't remember, but the Superman shirt was a laundry room victim.

2001: Pimp - I'm so ashamed.

2002: Abstained.

2003: Abstained.

2004: Kevin Federline

2005: Kevin Federline

2006: Buzz Lightyear's Uncle



2007: Kevin Federline

Trick or treat, yo!

Bachelor Brad Meets the Sexy Parents

It’s good to be back…

Before the show started I caught the commercial they’ve been running. And it ends with Harrison saying something like, “you won’t believe how it ends!” and then we don’t see anything, but we hear a girl go “ahhhhh!”. So apparently at the end of this episode, Brad either has sex with someone or stabs them. I’m guessing Bettina gets stabbed, but let’s watch and see.

It’s hometown visit time. First up, Jenni, the Phoenix Suns dancer/Erin Gray doppelganger. She’s from Kansas. Brad meets up with her and they’re in an empty auditorium and she does some dancing – because, in her words, “she’s really really good at it”. This brings up an interesting question: if you were to meet Jenni and she told she was a dancer in the Phoenix area, what would you assume she meant? And where does “Phoenix Suns dancer” fall in the dancing as occupation category; higher than stripper or lower? Cause she does get to keep her clothes on at the game, but it’s not a full time job. Plus, a stripper gets paid more. But they both involve shaking ass in front of highly paid athletes. Something to think about.

Brad meets Jenni’s family, including her crusty old grandma. Brad tells her “I heard you were a firecracker”. When I get old, if people describe me as a firecracker I’m gonna be pissed. Firecracker is code for old, kooky bastard who no one takes seriously and we all know it.

Jenni’s family is acting like being in the bar business is the equivalent of owning the Mustang Ranch. This show truly exists in the year 1812. Did they have hot tubs in 1812?

Jenni learns that she has officially been named a Phoenix Suns dancer for next season. Brad owning multiple bars is bad, but Jenni being a professional cheerleader is cool beans.

I have to say though, Jenni seems cool. Some of the other girls were trying to hate on her earlier in the season (re: Jaderade) because she brought her head shots with her, but she seems like a sweet enough girl. The way those girls were talking you’d think those head shots were the Pentagon Papers.

The next visit is with Sheena in Walnut Creek, California, which is also my hometown. So this recap is very personal for me, I’ll try to get through it. They meet some place with water that I’ve never seen in my entire life. They’re faking the hometown! It’s on a Hollywood soundstage just like the moon landing!

Brad and Sheena’s dad high five over both being Scorpios – it surpasses an episode of “Will and Grace” where Will kissed Jack as the gayest moment in the history of television.

At first, Sheena’s parents seem cool and fun and normal. Unfortunately, Sheena’s mom starts talking. She makes Jorja Fox look like a rational human being. I’m not going to quote her whole rambling insane speech, but she speaks of lasso-ing the big dipper from a hot tub. Brad and Sheena do actually go up to a hot tub, but the only thing Brad lassos are Sheena’s fake breasts. But his big dipper may or may not have been grabbed.

Next visit is with DeAnna in Georgia. I’ll say it right now: DeAnna is hot. Hot in a cute way. Brad likes her because “DeAnna doesn’t need me”. You gotta respect that. A lot of these girls seem like the opposite. And a lot of those girls hate on DeAnna for it. At least I think so, it could be the editing though, we’ll see how this plays out.

DeAnna’s mom died when she was young. That sucks. Her dad is cool, and looks A LOT like her. DeAnna has a better body though.

DeAnna’s entire, huge Greek family comes over. Her poopa, or papu, or whatever, makes Brad take a shot of Uzzo. There’s a funny moment where Brad says that the shot was disgusting and he tried to keep a straight face because, “I’m a man”. And he did air quotes around the “I’m a man” part. Oh shit, I’m like the girls on the show, I’m falling for Brad! Or is it Chad? I can’t tell.

And finally, it’s the much ballyhooed Bettina date. I’m very pumped up for this, I hope it’s not a let down like last week’s “one of the bachelorettes loses her mind!”

They meet in Washington D.C. – though she actually lives in Hermosa Beach. Bettina’s dad looks exactly like Stephen King, only creepier. I’m serious, a creepy Stephen King. CSK (creepy Stephen King) is a professor, and hates on Brad because Brad didn’t graduate from college. But he’s not creepy!

The step mom hates on Brad because “he runs a bunch of bars”. These people are huge, creepy snobs. If this were a normal situation, okay maybe I see their point. But can’t these people trust the ABC vetting process? They don’t choose vagabonds, folks. Well, except for that Charlie O'Connell season.

CSK is horrified (as we are by him). He says that Bettina’s first husband was AWESOME, and no one could be better than him. CSK feels the same way about Bettina’s first husband as I do about Brad. Or Chad. Whoever. But come on, that is a weird thing to say. More than weird, it’s, shall I say, creepy.

If we read between the lines, it seems that Bettina’s family is not happy about her decision to be on the show at all. I don’t think this is totally about Brad. CSK says he wishes she’d date someone with a PHD, and Bettina fires back with “one of your daughters didn’t graduate from college”. Suck on that, CSK!

Brad and Bettina finally get out of that fucked up house and get some alone time. And then Bettina says something that would piss me of so much I can’t even stand it. I’m a very laid back dude. I like a healthy debate, but generally, it’s very difficult to get me angry. However if someone said what she just said I’d go Hillary and lose my mind.

Bettina: “Hey, I don’t look that great on paper either.”

Holy shit, no you didn’t. I wish he could just drop her right now and say, “look, don’t even bother showing up for the rose ceremony”. He doesn’t look good on paper? He’s the bachelor! He’s easy on the eyes, he owns a successful business, he’s a nice guy, what the hell? He's great paper material! I’m so embarrassed by my love of Brad right now, but fuck it.

Brad says “I’m really freaked out and I don’t know what I’m going to do”. You may not know, Brad, but America does.

ROSE CEREMONY

DEANNA gets the first rose. I love her.

JENNI gets the second.

And BETTINA gets the third!!!

Oh my God! I am in shock right now. I’m fighting back Hillary tears. This makes no freaking sense. I’m calling bullshit. The producers had to have input on this decision. It’s obviously a two girl race, and they’d rather have Bettina in there for the final episodes cause she’s clearly a psycho hosebeast. But that’s just wrong! Wrong, I tell you!

Although I must say, I would like to see Brad pick Bettina and then go hang out with CSK and use double negatives and shit and just drive him insane.

Before I leave, I must mention another great tease:

We see Jenni lying on the bed of the fantasy suite. Chris Harrison says: “Jenni is having trouble telling Brad how she feels”. Then we hear Jenni say: “It’s so much easier for me to show it”, and then Brad comes over, it’s the famous “Godfather” shot, and closes the door on us!

Only the Bachelor can combine “The Godfather” and whoring so sublimely.

Goodnight!

Jorja Fox is a Crazy Person

There are many weird things about Hollywood. But to me, the weirdest is the very thin line between out of work actor and multi-multi-millionaire actor. Every year, about half of the town auditions for parts in the many TV pilots that are being produced. Some will get a show, most will not. Some of the shows will actually get on the air, most will not.

At this stage, no one knows what won't last and what will last for the next 10 years. That's right, based on the random decision of a casting director and executive producer and studio, the next 10 years of an actor's life might be a regular gig, or it might be nights of serving me grilled cheese at Johnny Rockets. It's all right there, so small but so life changing. You audition for some crappy show and suddenly you're Punky Brewster for life.

In many cases, these actors are interchangeable. I mean, it's not like there are that many actors on TV that are so unique and brilliant that they are irreplaceable. Sure, there's the "House" guy, Dennis Leary on "Rescue Me", maybe Kiefer on "24", Steve Carell on "The Office", everyone on "30 Rock", or Kyle Chandler on "Friday Night Lights".

However, would you really notice if Larenz Tate was on "House" instead of Omar Epps? Or if Vinessa Shaw was Izzy and not Katherine Heigl? Or Paige Turco instead of Maura Tierney on "ER"? Or Eddie Cahill instead of Milo Ventimiglia on "Heroes"? I would argue that if those other people were there from the beginning, those shows would be exactly the same. There's basically no difference.

So you'd think that actors would be pretty darn stoked when they get one of these life changing gigs. You'd think they'd understand how close they are to that Johnny Rockets scenario. But a lot of them don't. And that can lead to insanity, like Juliana Marguiles turning down $40 million for 2 seasons of "ER" so she could focus on important roles, like her quiet turn as a flight attendant in "Snakes on a Plane".

But suddenly we have someone who might be even crazier. Jorja Fox. She "stars" on "CSI", which I do not watch. In fact, the only reason I know who this person is is because of the time she got fired. A few years back, her and fellow castmate George Eads overplayed their hand, called in sick to the show because they wanted more money, and were fired by CBS. They quickly crawled on their hands and knees back to the show and were rehired.


Hi, I'm nuts. If this were a teaser for "The Bachelor", Chris Harrison would be saying, "Up next, a cast member for "CSI" loses. her. mind!"

And now Jorja is leaving again. Or did she get fired? It's not really clear. But she did an interview with Entertainment Weekly that is Britney level nuts. Before I get to some of the quotes, let me tell you that this woman makes 6 figures a week. A WEEK. But we shouldn't hate her for that. That's what actors in her position earn, it's perfectly fair.

However, you have to remember that these types of actors are in a unique position. Because while she's worth a tremendous amount money for "CSI", she's probably worth a third of that ON ANYTHING ELSE SHE DOES. She will never again in her life make the money she'd be able to make in the next two years on this show.

Anyway, here's what she had to say about the first time she was fired:

"I know it's really difficult for people to think an individual would be fired over a letter, but that's the truth of my situation. It had nothing to do with money."

Oh sure, people are fired over a letter all the time. Just look at the "Unabomber" (if he had a job, I'm sure he would've gotten fired for his letters...oh just go with me). But there's more:

"It was two days before the season was to start, and CBS sent out a letter that they wanted everybody to sign and get back (the letter was a promise to show up for the first day of production). I returned the letter, but I guess I didn't return it in the fashion that I was supposed to. By the time it arrived, they had fired me the day before work started."

I'm sure that CBS fires actors for poor mailing practices. Maybe that's what happened to "Smith" last season. Ray Liotta is a notoriously poor mailer. Can't lick stamps. She makes CBS sound like my last landlord, who used to advise me on the best mailboxes to use to send the rent.

Okay, now we're getting to the best part. Jorja is asked if CBS was trying to make an example of her, after what had just happened with the salary negotiations on "Raymond". Here is her response, I swear:

"I think CBS wanted to make a point at that time, and I think they made it really successfully. And I'd like to think of it as flattering. Maybe I was one of the people picked for that mission because they thought I had the fortitude to hang tough and weather it."

WHAT?! So CBS fired her because they knew she was tough enough to take it? Really? That's the logic going on in her head? Yeah, they picked her for "the mission" cause she's so strong. What is she, Luke Skywalker? "The force is strong with you, young Jorja, you're fired".

I'll leave you with this final statement of crazy - her answer to what she'll be doing next:

"I might buy a ticket for around the world ("for around the world?"). It's also summer in the Southern Hemisphere, so I might take a surf trip. I forgot to have kids! And there are several projects of my own that I'm excited about."

"Snakes on a Plane 2", perhaps?

There's a chance I'm a dick

I was about to go to bed tonight and I checked pamie's blog (sorry, "personal" journal) and jessica's blog, cause they're my pretend girlfriends. And they both have posts about the fires and how we can help. And that's when I realized that there's a chance I'm a dick...

You see, I've really been enjoying myself this week. I like hot weather. I used to live in Arizona. My favorite thing is walking around at night when it's 90 degrees out. It reminded me of my glory days - well, I never really had glory days, but now that I'm 31 anything that went on in my twenties counts.

So while California burns and firemen work their asses off and people flee their homes, I've been having quite the delightful time. Yesterday, I went to the beach. I listened to my Ipod and read a depressing book about how every TV writer in the '90's made 7 figures. Fuck you, timing!

Then I walked down 3rd Street promenade and got myself a Jamba Juice - Berry Lime Sublime, of course. Last night, I took a long, leisurely walk around the neighborhood.

And tonight, I stood outside my apartment, gazed at the red setting sun, and pretended I was Kalel living on Krypton.

But in the words of Phil Hartman as Frankenstein on SNL: "Fire bad!" And it's really bad. So I'm following my fake girlfriend's advice - that's what fake girlfriends are for - going here, helping out a little, and maybe feeling less dicky.

The Sexiest Bachelor Ever with the Sexiest Pool Party Ever

Let's get it on, sexy style...

Chris Harrison shows off a new shirt and earns his paycheck by showing up for 10 seconds and telling us that there will be a bunch of dates. No shit. First one on one date is with Bettina - the scarlet lettered divorcee who has taken up Jaderade's role as the house hater.

Bettina says that "every time I see Brad, I fall more and more in love with him". Do I need to remind you that this chick has been married before? And then divorced shortly thereafter? Maybe it's cause she falls in love at the drop of a hat, or at the turning on of a camera.

Brad nervously asks if Bettina has dated after the divorce. It's really funny the way he asks, cause he doesn't know if he's allowed to. He's probably afraid that if the town elders here about a divorce, they'll prepare for a lynching.

Back at the house, er, house of hate, the girls turn on Bettina. Nice. Kristy wonders if they're hating because they feel she's the biggest competition. But the girls say that's not the reason. Can you guess why they're hating on her? I'll give you a multiple choice: They're hating on Bettina because...

A. There's a chance she might be Satan
B. There's a chance she might not be a natural blonde
C. There's a chance she's not here "for the right reasons"

C is the correct answer, as it always is. I think that they should declare at the beginning of the next season that officially no one is here for the right reasons. And then Chris can meekly volunteer that he's there not because he's hoping the Bachelor can find love, but because "I'm unhireable".

Chris teases "the most dramatic exit in Bachelor history!" Really, Chris? In Bachelor history? This is season 78, how can you be sure of that?

Back from commercial, it's a group date at the pool. That's right, the aforementioned "sexiest pool party ever". Obviously, Chris is not an abs man, because I think "the Officer and a Gentleman" had a pretty sexy pool party.

Kristy - the girl who is always wanting to show her "fun" side but always says that while in tears - refuses to go in the pool.

It's the first time Hillary has seen Brad with his shirt off, and she says something profane that the producers bleep out. It's not just one word, it's like a minute of dialogue. Here's some of what I think she said:

"I would let him ravish me anytime. I would let him take my clothes off, and like, bend me over and fuck me from behind, maybe slap my ass a couple times, and maybe pull on my tits, and call it a day. I mean, who wouldn't want that?" Seriously, that's a close approximation of what she said. Class act, Hillary.

Cut to her telling Brad "I can't way for you to meet my family, especially my dad". Uh, I think your dad just blew his brains out of the back of his head.

Back at the house, Sheena prepares for her one on one date. Bettina tells us that Sheena is young and not ready for marriage. Well Bettina, you would be the expert. Bettina's the Ross Goeller of the show.

Brad and DeAnna have some awkward alone time. They basically want to do what Hillary said, but to each other (maybe minues the tit pulling). But they can't cause the other girls can see them.

Brad steals Jenni away, and makes sure they're away from the other girls, and just make out the whole time. Hillary is pissed. Sweetie, maybe you should tell him what you told us, cause that works on dudes sometimes. Oh wait, I think I just described a whore.

Back from commercial, Brad picks up Sheena for their date. I'm not a big fan, but she actually looks kinda good in her casual wear. But Brad takes her to a house where there are a bunch of dresses for her to try on - Brad keeps talking up all the "surprises" he has lined up for the date. Really, bro? You planned the date? I think this is like how he said he had an "identical" twin brother.

And then we get the moment they've been teasing forever - Sheena walks down the stairs in her dress and falls on her ass. She has a pretty good reaction. I respect that.

I don't want to get all Bachelor speaky here, but the show just did the greatest tease ever. Here it is:

Chris Harrison (voice over as Hillary is crying): "It's the most shocking goodbye ever...when Hillary loses her mind!"

Okay, how do people not watch this show? Hillary loses her mind!

I'm watching this show in LA, where there are huge fires everywhere. And a commercial just came on for the local news, and they have a woman reporter, at least I think it's a woman, standing with a microphone covered from head to toe in a yellow jumpsuit, a big yellow helmet, gigantic goggles, and an oxygen mask covering her mouth. Get the hell out of there! Do they think we're impressed by how close they're getting to the fire? It's a big fuck you to the victims, if you ask me. "Look, you have to run away from your house and all of your belongings, and I don't even have to be here and I have a flame retardant suit!"

Back to the date with Brad and Sheena, Brad basically tells her that Chad is in love with her so that's why he likes her. Well that's something, I guess.

Brad describes Sheena as "solid". Translation: "You're a great girl, you're just not for me...but have you met my non-identical twin brother?"

Sheena comes back to the house and brags about her date and her ear rings (which she says she gets to keep). Bettina gets pissed and walks out. She's an angry old hag, ain't she? Jenni comforts Sheena by telling her "(Bettina's) not here for the right reasons". This coming from the girl who brought her head shots with her.

It's almost time for the rose ceremony, and the girls get their last one on one time. Sheena has written Brad a poem. Hillary also has written a poem, it goes "roses are red, violets are blue, I want you to bend me over and slap my ass and pull on my tits and then meet my dad". It doesn't rhyme, but there's something cool about it.

DeAnna and Brad have some sweet alone time where they kiss. You know, the girls sometimes hate her and I'm just not seeing it. She seems nice. I don't know, it's weird. She's kinda like the JFK assassination, she's a riddle wrapped in a conspiracy inside a hot body.

Brad and Hillary have alone time. He tells us that he considers her "just a friend". But he tells us that she's not getting it because she doesn't listen to a word he's saying. We get a great moment showing this: Brad goes, "I think we're just good as friends". And Hillary goes, "I know! We can be best friends and lovers and husband and wife..." You can actually see Brad's eyes roll into the back of his head. Oh my God, I'm so excited to see her "lose it".

ROSE CEREMONY

Chris explains that after tonight there will be 4 girls left, and they will take Brad home to meet their family. At this point, Hillary is wondering who the 3 other girls will be. Ha!

Jack Ruby is in. I mean DEANNA.

SPOONS gets a rose - not a big night for her, but she is, as Brad would say, "solid".

SHEENA gets a rose. She's one step closer to having an affair with Chad.

BETTINA gets the call. This had to be the most obvious rose ceremony...EVER!

Hillary begins balling immediately. She also starts looking around like a crazy person, which she is.

By the way, Kristy, the "fun" girl, is out. Learn your lesson, bitch, get in the damn pool!

Okay, Hillary walks outside and "can't breathe". She doesn't understand. You don't listen! Brad goes outside to try and comfort her. Well, you have to give him props for that. I would be in the hot tub with DeAnna right now, telling the producers to get Hillary's ass in the limo.

Hillary says "it sucks to be known as the friend". Look at the bright side, you're now known as something else to America. And the word psycho is involved.

Goodnight!

The Problem with Friday Night Lights That I'm Not Talking About

And no, I'm not referring to all the murder.

The problem I'm not talking about is: shouldn't some of these motherfuckers have graduated? I distinctly remember that last season Jason Street was in his senior season. And Riggins and Minka "Hottest Born Again On Earth" Kelly were his best friend and girlfriend growing up. Also in this group was Tyra, and yet, her and Riggins are definitely still in school. Street is the "coach/mascot", but it's unclear if he's attending classes. Minka is hanging around and going to church and trying to convert people, not sure about her enrollment status either - but Riggins and Tyra are definitely still there.

So what gives? Well, this is the problem with setting shows in high school. 90210 started the kids off as sophomores, even though Andrea and Steve Sanders were 30 years old at the time, Kelly supposedly had a nose job the summer before (at the age of 15, we were to believe), and Dylan had fucked half the girls in LA County while becoming an alcoholic roaming the pool halls of Hollywood.

Then for 2 seasons they were juniors, but the Beverly Hills Beach Club kicked in so they had to advance. The next season they were seniors, then Val and college, and then Brandon cheated and I stopped watching.

"Dawson's Creek" used it's first season and a half dealing with sophomore year. It's third season was junior year, and fourth season was their senior year (by the way, my heterosexual man crush Joshua Jackson is going to be on "Grey's Anatomy" for a few episodes. Too bad that show sucks now).

Obviously, the "Friday Night" writers did not do their research. You just can't start characters off as seniors, cause NBC might do something crazy and let you come back for a second season and make you have murder plots.

But, I understand. It's a difficult situation, and you don't want to have a revolving door of kid characters. It's the right thing to do. So I'm not going to let it bother me the way that it's bothering my sister. And that's why I'm not talking about.

By the way, I just want to mention something here. The networks do a lot of research in trying to appeal to a certain demographic. And despite my rapidly descent into old age, I'm still in that demographic. They're trying to appeal to me - with young actors, pretty girls, etc. However, the fact is that my favorite character on all of television is a fat, 50 year old dude with a southern accent. That's right, networks, you can save your hot girls, well, except for Minka, just give me a whole helpin' more of Buddy Garrity. He's my Buddy!

My Dream of a Dogless Society

THE DEVIL: I'm bored.

GOD: Me too. What should we do?

THE DEVIL: Let's torture someone.

GOD: What did I tell you about that? Not cool, bro.

THE DEVIL: Come on, it'll be fun. Let's get Handleman, he's got it coming.

GOD: Didn't we just torture him?

THE DEVIL: "In the Mix" was years ago!

GOD: I was referring to the character of Oliver on "The O.C."

THE DEVIL: Oh, well that was awhile ago too. I got an idea: he's unemployed, watching tons of TV...let's bombard him with news stories about dogs!

GOD: You are good!

THE DEVIL: Yeah, kinda goes with the whole, Lord of the Underworld thing.

First Vick, and now Ellen. Are you convinced yet? Are you convinced that nothing good can come of dogs or dog ownership? Seriously, I feel like the only sane person in the world. I have real conversations with people where they try to convince me to like dogs and they include the fact that they have to get up at 3am to walk them, they have "accidents" in the house, they've only bitten someone "that one time", and their house stinks. Yeah, I can't believe I've been a fool for so long.

Everyone acts like I'm the crazy one! No, you motherfuckers are the crazy ones! I get pissed over waking up at 3am to go piss! You're doing it to pick up your dog's feces. And I'm crazy. You know who I feel like? Ron Paul. Have you seen this guy in the Presidential debates? The 10 other guys on stage are laughing and snickering at him while he says wacky stuff like, you know, the President should actually consult Congress before going to war. It's like an episode of "The Twilight Zone".

Yeah, I'm nuts. This is completely normal behavior...



And if you think she's a treat to work with on that show, maybe you should ask the 5 directors she's fired in the last 3 months. But oh, the dog, it must be in a happy home. Fuck human beings, the dog is all that matters. It matters so much that it was ditched when it couldn't get along with a cat. I can't even believe I just wrote that sentence, and yet 90 percent of America is probably thinking "well, dogs and cats do have difficulty getting along". Fuck dogs and cats! Can't you see they're no good? Snuggle up to a rerun of "Who's the Boss" or "Golden Girls" like I do. And the best part is, when Sofia shits her pants you won't have to pick it up.

But no, I'm the crazy one. Well, me and Ron.

The Sexiest Bachelor, Episode IV

Monday nights are the new Thursday nights. "Chuck", "Journeyman", "Samantha Who?", football, baseball, "Heroes", and of course, "The Bachelor". I also just started a basketball league monday nights, so my question is: is there such thing as a 4 tuner TiVo? I'll get the Handleman tech team on it. Here we go...

Much to the chagrin of the other ladies, Jenni Spoons (so named because of her resemblance to Erin Grey from "Silver Spoons") gets the solo date. The girls question whether she's here for the right reasons. You have to wonder at this point whether the girls really feel this way, or they're just going off the "Bachelor" manual.

Brad picks up Spoons in a helicopter. Am I old if I say that TJ from Magnum P.I. is the pilot? Cause I was gonna make that joke and then I second guessed myself. I'm all about the younger demo.

Hillary is depressed about the whole thing, and...boobs!!! When did she get those? Where did she get the time between crying and...crying. Then she says that Jenni is "a very sexual person. I think she's like one of those, hidden freaks in the closet". Yeah, Brad will wanna steer clear of that.

And then she says, "I don't think my date was all about being sexual". No, it was all about being pathetic getting a pity rose.

Jaderade hates Dede and McCarten, and apparently others do as well. It's strange, we haven't really seen them as evil before. It looks like they are strong personalities and the other girls can't handle it. Gee, what a shocker.

Spoons says all the right things so Brad makes out with her. They are looking way normal compared to the crazies in the house. She gets a rose and more of Brad's tongue.

The next date box comes with a bunch of names. But two names are not on it: Jaderade and Dede. Oooh! It's a dual date showdown! Can't wait for that...I am a sad person.

On a side note here: are accents a deal breaker for anyone? Cause I think they are for me. Number one on my deal breaking list would be a thick Chicago accent. We had two people in the office with it and I had to put them both on a strict e-mail correspondence only rule.

The group date is at a comedy club and the women have to "be the show". Yikes. Substitute "comedy" for "strip" and you might have something, but these girls only know comedy of the unintentional kind, like when they're crying and talking about their ovaries.

Kristy buckles under the improv pressure and starts to cry about it. Nice. She's upset because she wanted Brad to see the "fun" side of her. She says this while in tears. Apparently the Bachelor girls idea of "fun" is hanging out at funerals or watching "Old Yeller".

Quote of the night goes to Stephy: "I hope she doesn't get the rose just cause she cried cause I will smack her upside the head with that rose". Hell yeah.

But Kristy doesn't get the rose, Bettina does. She's the Hermosa girl, and she's kinda hot. ..for an old, used up, divorcee.

It's time for the dual date! There's one rose, two mortal enemies, and one stubbly Bachelor. Jaderade says: "I hope Dede goes home because Brad calls her out on being wretched". I don't even know what that means. Oh yes, I do...cat fight!

DeDe takes over the date. She's like Michael Jordan with less than 2 minutes left. She just wants the ball in these situations, she literally puts the date on her shoulders and carries it to the championship...

Sorry. Actually, she's a lot like the character Kristen Wiig does on SNL these days. You know, the girl who tops anything anyone says. Jaderade says "I started working at the age of 14", so Dede goes "I started working at 14". Jaderade says "I have an aquarium at my apartment", so Dede goes "I have the ocean in my apartment". It's crazy.

Back at the house, someone asks "if Brad asked you to marry him right now, what would you say?" Hillary and Spoons immediately go, "hell yeah!" Bettina, the wily veteran, lectures them that they don't know shit about marriage. And then reveals to the girls that she's divorced (she told Brad last week). The girls are shocked, shocked! Did I mention the house they are sitting in is located in the year 1814?

Oh my God, Hillary: "If I was in Brad's shoes, I probably wouldn't date someone that's been divorced. She's like a used car, he has to kick the tires once in awhile to see if she still works." And I thought last week was the low point for Hillary.

DeDe tells Brad that she wants the opportunity to fall in love with him. She is good, man. I don't know what to make of her at this point. Is she a sweet, southern girl? Or a manipulative evil adorable genius? Whatever she is, Jaderade had no idea what she was up against and is eliminated.

Jaderade cries in the limo, while Brad and DeDe make out in the hot tub. That's what makes this show great - in the span of a few minutes, we get to see good triumph over evil in the form of hot tub groping. But is she really good?

Some of the girls gang up on Brad back at the house and ask him who his first kiss was with. He says Jenni and like many women, the true answer was not the answer they wanted to hear. They're pissed!

Bettina hates on Spoons because "she treats it like a game". And also, "I thought she was the sluttiest in the house". Then they get mad because Jenni didn't tell them. Bettina really tests my like of her by going "wow, slut and liar". Have these people not watched the show before?

I can't even express to you how upset Bettina is over this Spoons thing. I think maybe she has control issues. She's also very pretty, and probably has never had to compete for a guy before. This is rocking her world. Or maybe it's just all because she got divorced and by law, must be stoned.

ROSE CEREMONY

KRISTY gets a rose. She's a crier, but this season, they all are.

SHEENA is in. She closed the deal nicely before the ceremony by saying "this is so real to me". Brad's a sucker for the "it's real" talk.

HILLARY is in! Oh fuck. That's the producer's pick. That's the only way to explain it. Cause she is the worst. Come on, I don't care how good her improv skills were. And by improv skills I mean her implants.

McCarten is axed. Hopefully she will move on to fulfill her true destiny of marrying Paul McCartney, and having the legal name McCarten McCartney.

I'd say at this point it's looking like a two horse race: Jenni vs. Bettina, with DeDe as wild card.

Sorry guys, comedy was hard to come by this episode. Last week rocked, this week...I don't know. I think it hurts not having morals and values around anymore. Next week looks better, you know why? Cause a girl falls! Yes! I like to watch people fall on stairs.

"Irwin Handleman"

I think this is my new number one pet peeve: movies with titles that's just some guy's name. The current example of this is "Michael Clayton". "Ooh, I can't wait to see that "Michael Clayton!". "What's that about?" "Some dude, I don't know". Not exactly "Die Hard", is it?

I don't get this. And I especially don't get how you write a script and you're so jazzed by the name you've given your main character, you think that it will make a good title. "What should I name this chick...hmmm...how about Mary Reilly? Damn, that's a hot name, yo, I gotta name the movie that!" Yes, Kevin Federline wrote "Mary Reilly" in my little scenario.

I just don't understand the thinking on this. And I've noticed that in general, I have not seen the movies with titles like these. Never saw "Dolores Claiborne" or "Miss Potter". And is it any coincidence that Julia Roberts' career started to go south when she did "Mary Reilly" and "Michael Collins" back to back? (I guess "Jerry Maguire" is the exception to the "normal name" titled movies sucking)

Now, I want to see "Michael Clayton" because it's getting good reviews, but a lady friend of mine doesn't. She wants to see "We Own the Night" (which is getting bad reviews). Now how am I supposed to convince her? "But it's Michael Clayton. You love guys named Mike." It would be much easier if I could go: "I don't know about 'We Own the Night'. How about we see 'Shirtless Clooney' instead?"

There is one man who we should put in the hall of shame for this, and he is Liam Neeson. He has not only starred in "Michael Collins", "Kinsey", and "Rob Roy", but "Ruby Cairo", "Ethan Frome", and "Nell" too! Neeson is the Barry Bonds of "normal name" titles! You can just plop your script for "Gary Smith" in his mailbox and you got your lead.

The worst offender of all time though is "Antwone Fisher". Why? Cause the guy who wrote it is Antwone Fisher! The ego on that motherfucker. Seriously, if I wrote a script about my life called "Irwin Handleman" by Irwin Handleman, I'd kill myself. Hopefully, I'd at least have the decency to give it a more accurate, exciting title, like "Horny Half-Jew".

Shot at Love With Tila Tequila

Tila: "I'm Tila Tequila, and you guys may know me as a cover model (really? Oh, I guess if you count Stuff and those free handouts for escorts), you may have drooled over my hot music videos (???), or you may be one of my 2 million friends online (hey, Dane Cook has 2 million too). But what you don't know about me is...I'm bi-sexual!!!"

She says it with such glee that you just want to smack her in her already smacked-looking face. Does it count as bisexuality if you only makeout with girls when you're drunk in a club? I thought that was just considered being a mess.

There's this whole fake thing where she says she's "tired of being alone" and needs to find out "do I really want a guy or do I really want a girl?" After watching this show I know what I want: a hole in the back of my head.

First, a bunch of "dudes" show up. They're all apparently big fans of Tila. And to no one's surprise, one of them is listed as a "professional clown". More like professional ass clown.

This show seems more like a talent competition. All of the guys are either dancers, drummers, singers, or actors pretending to be Italian. It's weird, it's like watching tryouts for the Village People. Only cheesier. And with more AIDS.

I always love the elimination lines they make up for these shows. I want that job. This one is: "Your shot at love has ended. Bounce!" Oh snap, no she didn't!

Know who she kinda looks like? Eartha Kitt in "Boomerang".



"Marcus!!!"

The lesbians show up. And we actually learn something: A gold star lesbian is a lesbian who has never had sex with a guy. Tila is a used up star lesbian.

Tila makes out with more of the girls than the boys. MTV has nailed their 18-24 year old male masturbation demo. She calls one of the girls a "but her face". Oh no, she was just looking into a mirror.

Tila actually says at one point "this is like the lesbian Village People". I am officially creeped out, and am contemplating my retirement from writing.

After she eliminates some of the girls, there's a pool party the next day where she'll "surprise" the girls and the guys by revealing this whole bisexuality thing (they didn't know it was guys vs. girls until now, this is much the same format as "Age of Love"...I'm a loser). One girl goes "Um, excuse me, what is cock doing here?" Funny, girls on my mom's basketball team used to say that very same thing to me.

Okay. I have to be honest here. This show had the best "this season on..." teaser I've ever seen. And that hurts to admit, but holy shit. Let's just say, hair pulling and nail scratching will happen. And that's just the guys...

"The Bachelor": The "Identical" Twins Episode

I'm already fired up about this episode and I haven't watched it yet. I consider myself an identical twins buff. I'm fascinated by them. When you pinch one does the other feel it? Can they communicate just by thinking stuff? These are the things I think about on a daily basis. And this show looks to be an affront to the twin community. And as a buff, it must therefore be an affront to me as well. Let's watch and see.

Also this week, we're looking at a 9:36pm starting time. I know I always mention it, but really, have you ever heard of a show changing start times/show length as this one does?

First group date: the circus. And a showcase for Jenni the Phoenix Suns dancer. She does some back flips and asks Brad if he's cool with a long distance relationship for awhile. First of all, that is a part time job. Second of all, don't the Mavericks have a dance team? Can't Steve Nash give her a recommendation?

Also, if you don't know who Jenni looks like then you obviously never watched "Buck Rogers" or "Silver Spoons" growing up. Cause she is the spitting image of my childhood girlfriend (and the Ricker's): Erin Grey.



















They go to a real circus and get introduced by a clown. The clown says, and I shit you not, "here is the sexiest bachelor yet!" Wow, I didn't even recognize Chris Harrison in that clown suit.

There's multiple girls wearing a pink top and jeans. I'm having a hard enough time here, "Bachelor" costumers. One of them is McCarten. She's confident. She uses some kind of circus metaphor that was fed to her about how some people "need a net" and some don't. She's one of those people who doesn't need a net. Cause dudes like her...or she's good at walking a tightrope, or something.

The solo date is with Hillary, who is also a little over confident. She shouldn't be with that hair.

Brad shows up with an extremely ugly, million dollar necklace. The girls go crazy. Settle down, she doesn't get to keep it. I really don't understand women. But "The Bachelor" producers do, because they base the solo date on "Pretty Woman". I don't know Julia Roberts, I'm not friends with Julia Roberts, but you, Hillary, are no Julia Roberts.

Just as I type this, Hillary LOSES IT. She starts crying for no reason, unless you count the reason that her ovaries are quite possibly wilting and Brad is her last chance. Seriously, it makes no sense. She's like "I'm so happy to meet him and to be with someone so amazing" and on and on...Sweetie, it's day 3.

They cut to the house and to the date 3 times, and everytime she's crying. And I realize that he has to decide whether or not she stays or goes on this date. Brutal. It's impossible to cut someone after this, and much like her ovaries, he wilts under the pressure and hands over the rose.

He tells her that "she looks even more beautiful right now" as she's in tears. Yeah, except for the giant vain bulging out of her forehead. Ah HDTV, you are a cruel mistress.

They kiss. And Hillary proclaims to us that she's "falling in love with him". Bitch, you haven't even shared a hot tub with him yet.

The second group date is on a boat. Solisa - the good Christian - is there. She's brought along her left boob morals and her right boob values.

How does Brad get that stubble so perfect? He must use Mathew Fox's guy.

Solisa gives Brad a lap dance. She says she "started shaking my butt really fast, cause it's the only thing I know how to do". And folks, she doesn't even know how to do that. She should stick to shaking morals and values.

Back at the house, Hillary is all cocky about her date. She tells the girls she showed him "what a real woman does". Yes, according to Hillary, a real woman cries hysterically until a guy gives in.

Brad seems to be into Bettina - who is cute - but she hasn't told him about the (gasp!) divorce yet. She finally comes out with it. The marriage lasted a year. Brad is shocked - as we all are. To think, divorce in this day and age.

Chris Harrison keeps teasing "the most shocking party ever!" And the sexiest! The only thing shocking about it is that they're going to try and pass off Brad's brother as Brad. Seriously, the guy might as well be a foot taller and black. Lebron James and Brad look more alike.

Here we go, twin time. Brad says he "has a twin brother". Notice he didn't say "identical twin". Okay, at this point, as Chris Harrison might say; THE GREATEST MOMENT IN BACHELOR HISTORY HAPPENS:

Brad sits down at a table outside with the brother and says "I need a favor. I need you to go in this room and act like you're me, if you're game for it..." Here's the thing, they are wearing IDENTICAL OUTFITS. With identical stubble and hair dos. Yeah Brad, I think he might be game for it.

And then there's this inane conversation between the two of them in the limo about how to work this. Dude, they look nothing alike! Why is no one putting a stop to this?! I am so uncomfortable right now. This is less believable than an episode of "Prison Break".

An Oprah commercial comes on with a shot of an Indian girl: "she is pregnant with a baby that belongs to a couple halfway around the world". Only Oprah can take an issue like outsourcing and make it about vaginas.

The most shocking party ever starts, twin style: Brad watches from the limo.

McCarten doesn't notice a thing. I don't believe it. I really don't. She should not only be eliminated from this show, she should be punched in the face. He doesn't even have the same accent!!!

Chad is a lot less smooth. His goodbye to McCarten is hilarious: "I gotta go, go talk to other people now". Chad is making Brad look like Clooney.

Lindsay doesn't notice, and I'm going to kill myself.

Sheena notices. Thank God. She almost breaks down saying how she "pays attention, and you don't have that same weird blonde patch on your ear". Nice, and ha!

Kristy, who already got a rose, notices right away, not even a hesitation.

Bettina, the divorcee, gets it. I'm feeling so much better.

DeAnna and another girl get it. They call him "Brad with dentures".

Sarah, who is very cute, thinks he "looks a lot more relaxed". Oh girl. She doesn't know it, but she basically says that she likes Chad way better.

They reveal the surprise to the dumb ladies who didn't get it, and Chris does call them "identical twins". Sorry, "sexy identical twins". (by the way, they didn't show a lot of the girls reactions to meeting Chad - like Solisa and Jade the Hater. Weird)

You know I'm anti this whole thing, but I will say it definitely showed how lame a couple of the girls are. That's why I can't produce these shows, I never would've gone with it. But in reality land, bad ideas work.

ROSE CEREMONY

SHEENA is in - who knew that noticing the difference between two guys who look nothing alike would get you into the next round?

MCCARTEN gets a rose - even though she couldn't tell the difference.

ERIN GREY gets one, and the Ricker is jealous.

JADE THE HATERADE, in a huge upset, gets a rose. She was literally not in one frame of the episode tonight. She should get an Emmy for: Amazing achievement in non-screen time.

My girl DEANNA is in. A no doubter for many episodes to come.

BETTINA gets the last rose. I guess he doesn't mind used up old bags.

Sarah and Lindsay the model are out because they couldn't tell the difference between Brad and Chad. And damn right. Sarah tries to say that Chad's "head was down" and he "had a drink in his hand". Yeah, his hand was obscured by that drink, that's why you couldn't tell that have completely different faces. Lindsay says she's not going to cry for something that wasn't there. And then she cries.

Also out? Morals and Values. She says "He did see, the very special parts of me because I wear those special parts on the outside, it's just that those special parts weren't parts he was looking for, unfortunately". So she's saying that he's not looking for a girl with boobs.

Honestly, I'm sad too. I enjoyed the antics of morals and values. The boobs, not the girl.

I'm liking this season, until next week...

Where is Joe Rogan when you need him?

This whole "comedy stealing" business is dumb. I don't want to get into the thing again, but I think it sets a bad precedent - now every joke has to be thoroughly researched by a team of comedy experts before it's performed. If you don't, you face the wrath of the internet and claims of plagiarism and hackery.

But the fact is that the world of ideas is pretty small - mostly because we all live and see and experience so many of the same things. It doesn't take a genius to hear about a border fence to keep Mexicans out and then wonder who is going to build it. And when you're producing a lot of ideas and jokes, when that is your job, it's very difficult to be completely original all the time. And it's really hard to know every joke that every one has ever told before. But thanks in part to an oiled up black belt/TV host/UFC Color Commentator, you need to know that before you go on stage, or else. It's an impossible situation and harmful to comedy.

Since "the incident", I have seen examples of "stealing" almost every single day. Of course, it's not stealing (most of the time). It's parallel thought. But I saw something today that made me jump out of my chair. Now, I'm not going to claim it's stealing or make a youtube video about it or try to resurrect my standup career off of it, I'm just pointing it out as interesting, and also to show how similar ideas are floating around.

This show was sold by my friend in 2005:

"NBC has given a cast-contingent pilot order to a new comedy about a mayor who has aspirations of bringing an upcoming Winter Olympics to his small town."

This is from today's Variety:

"Scribe Zach Helm ("Stranger Than Fiction") is pushing into television, setting up a one-hour drama project at ABC. "Rockville" will tell the story of a midsize town in Oregon "that is quickly becoming irrelevant," Helm said. "Their mayor decides to do something drastic to change the town, and that's trying to get them a bid for the 2020 Olympics.'"

I need a ruling on this. Unfortunately there's a UFC event in Reno so I guess we'll have to wait.

Please Do Me a Favor

And watch "Shot at Love with Tila Tequila" on MTV, Tuesday at 10:00pm. Yes, I know. But I just want everyone to be familiar with the material so you'll know what I'm talking about when I'm shitting all over it.

I hate Tila Tequila and everything that she represents. I hate her name, I hate that I know who she is, I hate that she thinks she's pretty, I hate that she made a song and thinks that it's good, I hate her 5 million "friends", and now I hate MTV for giving her a show.

And yet, I'm compelled to watch. And I want you to watch too (unless you have a Nielsen box, which I don't think really exist anyway). Because Tila Tequila must be shit on, and I want to be the one to do it and I want you to know what the hell I'm talking about. And I know you're probably thinking that the best thing to do is not to watch, but I really want to be angry about this.

Moving on, "Rock of Love" reunion was on tonight. What a disaster. You wouldn't think it's possible, but this reunion made a mockery of the series. It's so weird when the producers and cast of a show don't "get" their own popularity. It was almost like a spoof, part Jerry Springer part "Married with Children" part bad porn. Even worse, they allowed Lacey to "perform". Just bizarre.

Even worse, they shoved Jes into the last 5 minutes and her and Bret both acted like they were meeting each other for the first time. What was the point of this show again?

I'm guessing that most people are like me and wanted to know some inside dirt about what went on in the house, etc., but instead all we got were wannabe porn stars trying to do sketches. It made me question the authenticity of the show, especially the relationship between Bret and Jes.

However, there were two bright spots. The first was when the evil one, Lacey, said Bret was doing the show to try and "get back in the public spotlight". And then Ricky Rachtman, who was thawed out of his cryogenic chamber he's been iced in since 1989, had to go "Bret's bigger than he's ever been! He doesn't need this show for publicity, he was looking for love, he sells tickets all over the world!" Sure he does, Ricky. And America is still enraptured by your show "Headbangers Ball".

The second bright spot? Seeing Meth Face again. I missed her. Her hair so blonde, her boobs so big, and her face...so methy.

The Reason Tucker Carlson Says We Should Vote for Rudy Guiliani

I was watching MSNBC today and Tucker said this about Rudy, it's a direct quote, and I think it's hilarious:

"If we're attacked in the next 12 months...I don't see how you beat Rudy Guiliani. Seriously, that's exactly what you want when you fear your family is gonna be killed by terrorists. You want someone who is a full blown psycho."

Ranking the Pilots

Sadly, I had the time to watch a shit load of new shows this season. Here's how I ranked them:

THE UGLY

10. "The Big Bang Theory" - I HATE this show. This is the only one I turned off before it was over. Actually, I turned it off `10 minutes into it. So contrived and over written and lame, just shoving these "dorks" down our throat.

9. "Carpoolers" - The show felt really small. There's nothing to it, and it's not particularly funny. What is ABC doing with their sitcoms? They all turn out this way, it's weird. I don't know what this show is, and I'm not going to hang around to find out. Though I will tune in for the inevitable guest appearance by Charlie O'Connell.

8. "Big Shots" - Just embarrassing. Poor Vartan. He's gotta be bummed about Duhamel, right? I mean, they're the same person. And he's in this, and Duhamel's in "Transformers". Of course Duhamel is also in "Las Vegas" and has to live with Fergie so, I guess it's even.

7. "Cavemen" - I really kept an opened mind with this show. I swear, I did. But I really don't get it. I think the tone is right, but what the fuck? They're cavemen. I can barely look at them. I don't care about them. I also don't really get it. Cause I'm just a cavemen, and I was unfrozen and your world fright and confuses me. Like when I see a solar eclipse, like the one I saw at the Four Seasons in Hawaii, I think "oh no, is the moon eating the sun?" I don't know, cause I'm just a caveman. But there is one thing I DO know, and that this show will be canceled.

THE BAD

6. "Bionic Woman" - I was excited to see this show cause the commercials looked good. Boy, was I disappointed. This is one of those shows where you can tell that the executives got in the room, decided to bring back "Bionic Woman" in the age of girl power, and then pieced it together in a completely manufactured, uninspired way - which is interesting since the show is about a person who is put together artificially.

THE GOOD

5. "Chuck" - This show is just so cute, isn't it? Chuck is an endearing dork. Captain awesome is awesome. The blonde spy wears underwear a lot. Except it was all trying so hard to be "so cute". I think the pilot just suffered from over-tinkering (see: Bionic Woman above). It's got a nice sensibility, a catchy premise, and I'm betting that it improves. And I also hope we keep seeing that girl in her underwear.

4. "Life" - Sort of borderline on this show. I just can't get away from the fact that I love, LOVE, the premise. I'm so pissed I didn't come up with it (cop framed, goes to jail for 10 years, gets set free with a huge settlement, goes back on the force to try and find out who set him up). The pilot was not as good as it should've been. It's trying to be too much like "House". The actor is British playing American, and he's real "kooky" and he does things "his own way", his colleagues hate him, Ugh. But I really want to see where this thing goes so I'm going to stick with it. Also, the girl on this used to look a lot different and be on "Dawson's Creek". I must support "The Creek".

3. "Reaper" - Well, the critics were right for once. I was skeptical with the whole Kevin Smith directing thing, but the show is damn good. Well written and funny and a cool premise. However, I am concerned. I really hope it doesn't just turn into a "monster of the week" type show. Cause I hate that shit. It's the reason I never watched "Buffy" or "Smallville". I hope it avoids the whole lame special effects/supernatural monster thing, because it's really not necessary. The show works best when everything is kept real.

2. "Dirty Sexy Money" - I had low expectations of this. I don't know, the premise just didn't appeal to me that much. And I probably wouldn't have watched it but I was at my parents house, and my dad flipped it on and we checked it out. The writing was good. It's funny. And it has what all shows must have these days: a transvestite (see: "Big Shots"). It also has the other thing all shows must have: a "mystery". I don't really care that much about the mystery, but I just flat out enjoyed watching the first hour.

1. "Journeyman" I was trying to think if there's ever been a movie or TV show about time travel that I haven't liked. Only "The Time Machine" sucked, but even it gets special points because Samantha Mumba was in it. Whatever happened to her? Oh, I think she just changed her name to Rihanna. This wasn't a perfect pilot or anything, but I'm into it because he travels through time, and that's pretty much all I need.

Monday Night Diary (Part II: Bachelor Edition)

You can read Part I if you want, but I wouldn't. It's very depressing, though it might explain to you my state of mind right now. I haven't been this betrayed by something I loved since Brandon cheated on Kelly in the later seasons of 90210.

It was so bad, I left my apartment and drove to Baskin Robbins to get an ice cream cone. I am a 5 year old girl (though I did make someone's day: I let a guy have a parking spot that I could've easily taken, and then we crossed paths outside of our cars and he goes "You made my night tonight. You're a rarity in Los Angeles". So at least I have that).

Let's move on to better things, "The Bachelor". For some reason, it's only 58 minutes tonight. That's just what we need: more "Dancing with the Stars". Ironically, it features Jenni Garth this year.

Episode 2. It's time to figure out who these girls are. First group date is at the horse races...

Let's just face it: Brad is handsome (I say this while eating my "feel better" ice cream cone, a new low).

I read somewhere that people were saying that the girls this season weren't as good looking as last. I completely disagree. That is crazy talk. Must've been a woman who said that, cause these girls are a huge step up.

The girls get excited about seeing Brad with his shirt off, and hope to see his "man hips". Guys don't understand how much women love the man hips.

Back at the house, a murder mystery develops. Seriously. We hear a scream, and then there's running. Then an ambulance! I've solved it: It was the fame whore in the hot tub with the fake boobs!

It's Michelle. Since this is episode 2, we have no idea who this is (I just looked at my first recap and discovered that I considered her to be the least attractive, and she has big fake boobs). I guess she fell on the stairs (the boobs must've affected her balance). But they cart her off like she just got horse collar tackled by Ray Lewis. Didn't I predict last week that someone would get a sprained ankle this episode? Apparently that's not good enough anymore. Now you need paralysis.

Lindsey, the "model", can't help herself and ponders the possibility of having only 14 girls in the house! Who cares about him liking me, I can win by process of elimination if these chicks all go down with spine injuries!

Chris Harrison's favorite word this year: "sexiest!" He loves Brad.

Say what you want about "The Bachelor", it's got star power. They bring in the big names. Like this episode: Shaun Phillips! Holy crap! How'd the producers reel Phillips in? If you don't read the papers or live in San Diego or work for Sports Illustrated, he's the 2nd most famous defensive player on the Chargers. Maybe he's the one who horse collared Michelle.

Line of the night: After Brad gets a phone call from Michelle telling him about her injury, McCarten's reaction is "First of all, how'd she get his phone number?" Nice!

Brad and McCarten get some alone time. He says "we shared a kiss and I'm gonna be honest, it wasn't good". I'm liking Brad.

Next he gets alone time with DeAnna. She's very cute. Except she has a dog. And she pronounces her name like my very first girlfriend. I'll get past it. Brad does, and gives her the first rose. She has to be considered an early favorite.

DeAnna had a 5 year boyfriend who cheated on her. Just as they're having a moment, the other girls break them up. They really have a bitch sense for that sort of thing. Sorry, I meant 6th sense.

The girls going on the next group date show off their bikinis. Then Brad takes 5 minutes to comfort Michelle, the stairs girl (who is a realtor. Half the girls are realtors. Not good economic times for the Bachelorettes). The women in the house actually get jealous of Michelle's alone time. Uh ladies, did you not read my manual: personal injury = alone time.

Jade says there's a division in the house: the classy girls vs. the girls who went on the bikini date. Put down the Haterade, or, Jaderade.

Sarah gets some alone time. She looks like a cross between Winnie Cooper and anorexic Tessa.

Solisa gets Brad to do some body shots off of her. This is Brad's comment: "Solisa showed me everything that she is, quite literally, actually." Cut to Solisa telling Brad that she's a good Christian and that morals and values are very important to her. Brad is speechless. So is America.

Alone time with Jenni. She was kind of Brad's favorite from the first episode. She's a Suns dancer. I don't know...not that cute, but Brad really, really seems to dig her. Like, a lot. They kiss. Gee, I wonder if all the girls are going to hate Jenni now...

Cut to the house, where the girls are saying that "Jenni is here to advance her career". Who can forget all of the amazing careers launched by "The Bachelor" over the years? Let's see, there was Trista, and...that other blonde girl, and...Shaun Phillips.

The good Christian runs topless into the ocean. I think maybe her "morals and values" are just nicknames for her left and right boob.

Michelle and Brad get some more alone time back at the house. You can tell he really does not want to pick her, but man, tough to eliminate the concussed girl.

Bettina announces a bombshell to the audience...(cue dramatic music): she's divorced! The kiss of death! How has she hidden her scarlet letter this whole time? Take her away and stone her!

All the girls say Jenni is fake. I guess we have our villain. Let's start the countdown clock on Jenni saying "I'm not here to make friends".

Jade is hater #1. She is so insecure and it's written all over her face. Seriously, it's actually written in mascara and blush. Even the Joker is saying "tone down the rouge, honey".

ROSE CEREMONY

KRISTY is in. My sister says "not cute!". I'm more ambivalent. She's aiight.

BETTINA gets the rose. And you know why? She didn't tell him about the divorce. He has no idea she's used goods!

HILLARY is in, never seen her before my whole life.

STEFFI is in, ditto for her. Who are these people?

SHEENA gets one. She's tall and blonde and indistinguishable.

MCCARTEN gets a rose, and she looks way better here than she did earlier. Weird.

JENNI, the evil one with the modeling portfolio, has fooled him again (or so says Jade).

LINDSAY, the model, gets a rose. Apparently tonight she's modeling a prom dress from 1989.

JADE "He Hate Me" gets in, just because she offered up dirt.

Chris Harrison informs America that yes, this is the final rose!

SOLISA, and her boobs - morals and values - get in. Flashing the tatas and doing body shots will get you to the final four, but it won't win you any promise rings, lady.

Brad stepped up big time this episode. He had some nice lines, and he had the cajones to eliminate the girl with the injured spleen. That's just awesome.

Mallory didn't get a rose, so I guess it's back to Nick.

OKAY, hold up! In the coming up next week, they show the Brad/Chad routine. Brad has an identical twin named Chad, and they're going to use him to "trick" the girls. Only one problem: they look nothing alike! What the hell is going on? I'm going to go crazy on this next week, cause I'm obsessed with twins and appalled by this. Until then...

(by the way, the lead story on the local news after the show is: Britney losing custody. Thank God were not at war or anything)

Monday Night Diary (Part 1: Sports Edition)

The last two weekends have literally been the worst 2 sports weekends of my life. Last week, the Padres got swept by the Rockies, the 49ers got blown out by the Steelers, both my fantasy teams lost, and so did my parlay, er, football pool. Then this weekend, needing only a win to clinch, the Pads lose 2 to the Brewers, the Niners get blown out again, Jermain Taylor gets knocked out, and I lose another parlay, er, pool. And this leads us to tonight:

The Padres are in a one game playoff for the final spot in the postseason. The game is tonight in Denver against the Rockies..

Then there is the Monday Night Football game. I am not a fan of the Patriots or the Bengals, however my fantasy football team is in need of a victory. I am up by 17 against my opponent, but he has Tom Brady going and I have Kenny Watson (replacing an injured Rudi Johnson). Yes, I'm depending on Kenny Watson for a win.

Of course, there's also "The Bachelor", "Heroes" and "Journeyman". Let's see how this goes...

4:37pm The Padres/Rockies game begins. The crowd is pumped. Yikes. Although it might only be because it's 73 degrees in Denver.

4:51pm Todd Helton hits a sacrifice fly, then an Atkins single: Rockies 1, Pads 0. Still 1st and 3rd, 1 out. I can't believe I wasted the last 5 months of my life.

4:58pm Peavy gets out of it with a fly out to left center. He's not exactly fooling them. I feel just like I did when Lacey got eliminated from "Rock of Love": I'm glad it's over, but it took way too long to happen and the damage is done.

5:10pm My mom's favorite named player, Yorvit Torreable homers: 3-0. With a name like Yorvit he should be on The Bachelor this year.

5:21pm Here we go. The Pads load the bases with no out and the big boys coming up. Let's not blow this...

GRAND SLAM!!! Adrian Gonzales, are you serious? Pads up 4-3! Seriously, these bastards are going to kill me this season.

5:34pm Todd Helton home run. 5-4. I'm going to puke. This game is insane. I think the only equivalent of this game right now is the ending of "The Departed" where everyone just keeps getting shot in the head.

Meanwhile...

The Monday Night Football game starts. In a related story, Tom Brady is dreamy. Asshole.

5:56pm The Bengals give it to Kenny Watson 3 straight times. I'm liking this. Then one of the Patriots defensive players "introduces us" to his defense. He goes, "Up on the front line, we got V weezy, T weezy, and G weezy". What about Sneezy weezy?

6:06pm RBI single by Holliday, 5-5. Why do I do this to myself?

6:18pm Tom Brady with the TD pass, closing my fantasy lead to 87-75. Thanks Tom, you know what? Why don't you go ahead and fuck supermodels and ruin my life. Appreciate it.

6:38 Sac fly for Matsui, Rockies lead 6-5. These are the moments you question your love for sports.

6:40 Another triple, and our manager is leaving Peavy in! Dude, there's no games after this if we lose. We have the best pen in the majors! This makes no sense.

6:50 Tom Brady to Moss, TD. Fuck.

6:55 For some reason, Peavy is still in. Atkins rips one to left, a homerun. BUT WAIT. The umps are saying it's a double. Here's the replay...holy shit! The ball hit a wheelchair and came back! God is on our side. Or at least Handicap people are. This is nuts. The Rockies manager is arguing. He hates handicap people.

This has to be a baseball first. They're not changing the call. A wheelchair just cost the Rockies a run...for now. Ladies and gentleman, brace yourselves: it's wheechairgate.

7:18pm Matt Holliday, the best hitter in baseball? Maybe. The best fielder? No. He totally misplays an easy line drive, it goes over his head, and I jump and down while my wiener burns...What? I'm barbecuing hot dogs.

7:36pm Watson breaks off an 8 yarder, I'm up 92 to 80.

7:44pm Our best reliever shuts them down, we're going to extra innings. I have taken to watching the football game when we're pitching.

7:59pm Doug Brocail is put into the game to pitch for my boys. The TV equivalent of this would be, if ABC took the worst character of their hit series and built an entire show around her.

8:04pm Addison puts them down, we're going to the 11th! Unbelievable. I didn't even think the Padres had the ability to extend my agony this long.

8:16pm Up 14 with 6 minutes left, the Patriots are inexplicably throwing every time with Brady. Thus tightening my sphincter even further.

8:22pm Brady to Moss, TD. You good looking bastard! That's just evil. But I'm still up 92-88. A sigh of relief, at least I won something this weekend.

At the same moment, the Rockies get 2 on with 2 out in the 11th. We bring in a reliever who has spent almost the entire year in Triple A. As Samuel L. Jackson once said in the Steven Spielberg classic "Jurassic Park": "Hold on to your butts".

8:27pm STRUCK HIM OUT!

8:28pm: My TiVo asks permission to turn the channel to record "The Big Bang Theory". Request denied.

8:37pm: This game started at 4:37pm.

8:50pm 13th inning! I don't know what I'm more scared of at this point: the Padres losing or "The Bachelor" starting while the game is going on.

8:56pm Scotty Hairston! 2 run job! Unbelievable. 8-6! We're up, but it's not over. We have the scariest closer in the league.

9:12pm: And he promptly gives up a leadoff double. And a follow up double, it's 8-7, no out, man on second.

And a triple, it's 8-8. Seriously? Seriously.

Sac fly and it's over. 9-8 Rockies. You can't see it, but there's blood on my monitor.

I can only the Bachelor will cheer me up...