The Biz

The only reason I'm posting this is because I'm pretty sure that my dad doesn't know how to work youtube. He depends on me to help him out finding clips such as these.

Before I get to it, there's a reason this video is especially funny to my dad and I. Nowadays it's cool for parents to teach their kids the actual words for their privates. Little Johnny knows that he has a "penis" and little Sally is very confident that she's got a "vagina" down there.

I don't think it was that cool to teach kids those words when I was a youth. And that's why I had a "biz". That's what I called it cause that's what my parents told me to call it. I'm guessing my dad made it up, and it stood for "business" - as in, your business.

But to me, "biz" was a clinical term. I had no idea that this term was only used in our family. And so you can understand how hilarious it was when I saw a commercial for "Biz Bleach". I couldn't believe it. Why would they name a product after my biz! How were they even allowed to show the commercial on TV?!

Anyway, I don't think it was until junior high that I figured out the whole thing. And it wasn't until after college that I found the word penis to be just as funny.

I don't know if this clip directly relates to all that, but it reminded me of my biz. So without further ado, enjoy this video dad! (wait about a minute for it)

I Think I'm Gonna Stop Watching "The Hills" Now. For Realz This Time.

This is an interview from bestweekever.tv. This guy went to high school with Gavin, the dude LC went out with and "made Brody jealous". I love the last line, it's perfect:

I don’t normally watch MTV’s pseudo-reality dope opera The Hills (because I’m not much of masochist), but when I heard Gavin Beasley (a successful model and actor who just so happened to be a high school friend of mine) would be taking Lauren Conrad out on a date in this week’s episode, I simply had to tune in to this strange collision of my past and present. After seeing the show, and seeing Gavin (who’s really a cool, funny guy) manipulated to seem lame and boring to better fit the part of “dude who’s supposed to make Brody jealous”, I decided to look him up for his side of the story. During our candid session of “catch-up”, my school chum revealed several amusing anecdotes about his experience behind the scenes of The Hills, including some bombshells about his experiences with the producers that suggest - brace yourselves - the show might not be as representative of “reality” as we’ve been led to believe! There are a lot of Reality Show Victims in this country, and Gavin is one of them. This is his story:

Alright, man. I’m just gonna come right out and ask: how the hell did you get involved with this televised Crazy Carnival?

Last year I was booked on an editorial modeling gig, posing with Lauren for this interview she did in People Magazine (ED NOTE: photo after the jump). We got along, and she kept trying to set me up with Heidi, because she was on a break from Spencer or something back then, and Lauren was trying to get her to move on. But nothing ever happened with that and Lauren was dating Jason (Wahler) at the time, so we didn’t keep in touch at all. Then in August I got a call from my agency to go to a casting call for Teen Vogue, and Lauren and the camera crews just so happened to be there. She remembered me from our shoot, and the next thing I know, a producer’s asking me to ask Lauren for her number, and I’m signing release forms and being shot for The Hills. They wanted me to ask her about the runway show, how long she had worked that day, when would she get off, stuff like that.

That’s insane. So was your whole experience on the show like that?

Absolutely, from the very beginning. Like, they totally set up the BBQ scene for Brody and I to meet each other and talk because, as they said, “the audience would get a kick out of seeing ‘the ex’ talking to ‘the new guy’.” So they rent this house in Malibu for a set, bought a bunch of food and drinks, and just filmed us hanging out. Brody would talk all this sh*t, then be like, “Sorry about that, we’re just trying to make good television.” Like at one point, some other dude walked up to us while we were talking, and Brody goes, “We’re trying to film a scene here. Do you mind?”, like he’s interrupting our lines. Haha, it was some of the best acting I’ve ever done.

Would you say Bro-Dog Jenner is a Cooler Dude in person, on TV, or just Totally Cool everywhere, all the time?

The interesting thing is Brody – off camera - was a pretty chill guy. When the show came out and he was saying stuff about me - like I was short, too perfect, boring, etc - I didn’t get pissed because I know that’s all solely done for The Hills. He creates drama and a storyline. That’s why he is there.

So the big date with Lauren. What did you two actually talk about for the hours and hours you spent together that we didn’t see on the show?

I honestly had a really hard time talking to her - she’s kind of a conversation killer, and when the cameras are rolling, all conversation is kept firmly on the surface. She talked about how mean Perez Hilton was, and how you have to be nice to the Paparazzi so they don’t release the uglier pictures of you. I don’t know – pop culture, Red Bull, stuff like that. In fact, the most interesting thing I got out of her was that she isn’t allowed to eat ice cream because her trainer told her she can’t.

That sounds like some riveting dinner discussion.

Ha, yeah. What you see is really what you get with these people. Lots of fascinating discussion about “the club”, Vegas, getting drunk, Heidi is evil, and so on. The lack of depth was actually uncomfortable for me. Like, how can nothing be everything you talk about? OH, I forgot – lots of talk about Lauren’s clothing line. That’s pretty important, right?

So let’s discuss about Nail-Polish-Gate. Some websites (I think mostly MySpace blogs written by teenagers who actually care about this stuff) are making a big scandal about the fact that Lauren was wearing red nail polish on your date, and when she got home and immediately (as we’re led to believe) called Bro-Dog, the nail polish was GONE, which suggest that The Hills MIGHT NOT REALLY BE REAL. Please, tell us this is not true.

Well here’s the thing. The show makes it seem like she got home from the date earlier, but in reality we hung out at The Grove for a couple hours after dinner (for some reason she took me to Barnes & Noble to show me this book they made about Season 1 of The Hills), then later went to the club Les Deux, and stayed out until about 2:30 or so. I don’t know what she did when I dropped her off, but if that’s “early night” for those two, they must have Insomnia.

What does Lauren smell like? My guess is Jolly Ranchers, Rose Petal body spray and medication?

She was odorless.

Dammit. So how did this big adventure finally end?

Well we shot all this back in August, and I didn’t film anything else, nor did I talk to Lauren again after our date night. Someone from MTV called two weeks later to see about me asking Lauren and Whitney out on a double date, but nothing happened with that. In fact, I actually feel like I had more of a relationship with my MTV contact than I ever did with Lauren.

Is there anything else you’d like us to know?

Well, this is sort of silly, but I ordered that Salmon Roll for myself and Lauren said she would like to try a piece, so of course MTV edited the scene to make it look like I’m force-feeding her the salmon that she hates, which I would never do on a date. Also, I guess people should just try to remember that this is all entertainment, and just as I’m not the boring dork they made me out to be, Lauren and the other people on the show are sometimes capable of being nice, decent, funny people. Except for Spencer, I hear he’s really like that.

Still Walking...

For picketing, today was considered an action packed day. A group of horror writers assembled dressed as Priests and Nuns and performed an exorcism on Warner Brothers. Actually, they didn't perform an exorcism so much as they just chanted "DEMONS OUT!" over and over again.



See the guy with the bullhorn? He was the leader of the whole thing, and we followed him around to the various gates. We were at the main gate for awhile, and then we all started following him down a little street.



We turn a corner and...the dude was just going to his car and everyone followed him! No one knew what to do at that point, so we stood there in this suburban neighborhood for awhile, halfheartedly continuing the "Demons Out" chant. Even not working, the horror writers managed to freak out an entire neighborhood.

One of the funny things about the picket line is you can kinda tell what people write on by how they look. Comedy writers are unshaven dorks. CW writers are gays and girls. And the horror writers did not disappoint, they are a creepy looking bunch. Some of them had shirts and signs that read "We Eat Scabs". Yikes. If I hadn't been so scared of these freaks, I would've sought out the guy who wrote "Final Destination 3 and punched him in the face. Or at least get 2 hours of picket credit for the time I spent watching that movie.

I've found that since this strike began all of my movie/tv ideas have been picket related. I feel like that Chris Rock joke, "Go get your ass kidnapped so you have some new shit to talk about!"



Unshaven...check. Dork...check!

For the record, I didn't write this sign. It was just lying in a stack of signs when I showed up and I grabbed it. Then for the next hour I was puzzled as to why people were smiling and honking at me so much. It's ironic, cause though I do love words, I really hate honking. That might not be ironic but fuck it, I'm on strike.

The question is, does this make me a plagiarist? I didn't write it yet I'm passing it off as mine? Great, now I'm gonna be labeled a sign stealer.

After the Final Rose Sexiness

First of all, why is this called "After the Final Rose" when no final rose was given? Shouldn't it be called, "After Brad Chose Himself?"

Second of all, I feel like ABC should've hyped the finale a little more. If you actually have a good one on your hands, it might be a good idea to let people know about it and go for the 2 hours.

If you haven't read the comments from the previous post, it's been suggested that maybe Brad was forced by the show to either propose or choose neither. They have to be sick of the promise ring bullshit. I think this has to be the case, because you'd think Brad would at least want to keep dating one of them. Anyway, the stage is set, let the show begin...

And we begin with...Trista and Ryan and their new baby! Ugh. Can these two stop with the famewhoring? Do they want ABC to pay for their baby shower now? Stop it.

And then Byron and Mary come out. Holy crap. We get it, "Bachelor", it's worked twice. You don't have anything to prove to us. It's like they feel defensive over that ending last night. Byron still hasn't married Mary. Yikes. It's been awhile, and she was one of those "my ovaries are rotting" types.

Finally, Jenni gets on the hot seat. Her hair is noticeably blacker, but her chompers are still chompery. We see clips of her time on the show with Brad and their magical (and sexy) time together. They make her watch her endless crying and professing her love, and then her rejection in front of a live studio audience. And we haven't even got to the uncomfortable part of this yet.

Know what's interesting? It's almost like she's allowed to be more pissed because Brad didn't pick either of them. If he had picked DeAnna after, it's almost okay. But since it was neither, she feels ripped off or something.

By the way, Jenni looks a million times hotter right now. They must have "Oprah lighting" in that studio.

As for this whole "misleading" issue, that's the show, ladies. The bachelor has to do that. If he gave stuff away, there would be no drama. I don't think it's fair to lay that on Brad, because he's not allowed to tell the girls what he's really thinking. Every season features that element. That's the bargain you took by coming on a reality show to meet your husband (or more accurately in most seasons, promise ring boyfriend).

Jenni says that she didn't even know that Brad didn't pick DeAnna either until watching the show last night. Really? Did I hear that right? That seems nuts. And just like I said, it did make her feel even worse.

Also, Jenni's grandma died. Well that's just not cool. Hopefully Brad had nothing to do with that.

DeAnna enters. She looks great as well. They list her occupation as realtor - she must have reached bartender retirement age, she had been doing it for half of her life.

DeAnna watches her rejection. Unlike Jenni, she still looks pissed. Jenni kinda looked like she was enjoying watching herself on the big screen, D is flat out angry.

Chris even says, "I look at you and I see anger"! I really like this girl. She's real. I have my questions about Jenni, but D was in it to win it and was seriously in love. You have to respect it. You also have to respect that she was pouring whiskey at 16.

DeAnna says what we are all thinking "I understand how he couldn't propose to me, what I can't understand is how he could let me walk out of his life that day". Yes. Let's hope Brad gives us the answer to that one.

By the way, DeAnna blinks a lot It's only shown itself recently, so it might be a nervous thing. But she's suddenly very blinky.

Brad comes out and he looks bad, and the audience hates him! It looks to be 90 percent women and they are just as pissed as DeAnna. Rough crowd. He has to feel like Joaquin Phoenix in "Gladiator" at this point.

Chris says that "we flew DeAnna's father out because we are fully expecting a proposal". What?! I guess there goes the whole "the producers made him do it" argument. And then, "you (Brad) asked us to fly her father out". What the hell is going on?! Chris: And why did you go through the whole buying the ring thing? Brad says that even up to the last minute he wasn't sure what he was going to do. He says that when he looked at rings he had a gut feeling that this wasn't right.

THIS IS CRAZY! I am actually genuinely surprised by this whole thing. I can't even do jokes right now, people.

Chris asks "did you feel like a jerk"? And the crowd nods and laughs in agreement. This crowd is the equivalent of soccer houligans in England. Then Chris asks, "who is right for you?" And Brad says "I obviously have some problems, I'm man enough to admit it". The houligans are all over him again. Poor guy. It's strange though, the whole show he didn't seem like he had issues at all and now he's a mess. He's turned into Hillary! Maybe they were right for each other all along.

It's looking more and more like the people who were saying Brad is a major commitment phobe were right on the money. Jenni comes out and there's this tremendous moment where Brad puts his arm around her for a beat, then removes it and pretends to scratch his head, then pats her leg. The houligans laugh and Brad says "I don't know if I'm allowed to touch you". What the fuck happened to this dude? Maybe it was Chad the whole time.

During the uncomfortable Brad/Jenni conversation, there's various shots of the crowd shaking their head, rolling their eyes, and looking upset. If there's a riot at this point I wouldn't be surprised. I could just see angry women running down the streets pushing shopping carts filled with stolen roses.

Jenni says "I hope to God something comes happy for you". Somewhere, Bettina's dad is rolling his eyes.

Brad argues that he showed both of them the utmost respect by walking away from both of you and not making false promises. That's what I was saying. I choose me, Brad!

As we go to commercial, we see Chad in the front row! Or is it--okay, I'm done with that joke. His wife is next to him and she is smoking hot. Wow. Maybe that's what Brad is waiting for. If a guy who looks EXACTLY LIKE HIM can get that, he probably thinks he should get at least the equivalent.

DeAnna comes out. Oh boy. Blinky asks "how could you have two girls and not choose one?" Brad basically says he just didn't fall in love. D and Brad are sitting noticeably far from each other. She asks why he told her that the final rose ceremony would "be a good day". Brad says he "tried really hard. He gave it every chance". I don't really get that. He's evading every question and not making any sense. Brad should get hired as the White House Press Secretary.

D starts getting upset. I'm falling in love with her. She asks all sorts of good questions, and Brad doesn't have any good answers. Man, I thought I was fucked up.

Brad then gets himself in even deeper shit. He says he thinks about D every day. D asks what that means. Chris asks if that means there's a chance...and Brad puts the final nail in and says "I'm confident in my decision". Translation: he's glad he didn't pick her. Wow. Just, wow.

D finally breaks down and cries and I must say it again - this shit is nuts! It's off the charts on the uncomfortable scale. Brad is looking like a first class dick, and I really never thought I'd say that.

This hour of television is beyond my writing skills. I can't describe what is going on, you simply had to watch it cause I can't do it justice. It's that insane.

Okay, let me conclude by saying...Brad really did a disservice to himself here. I don't understand how he could handle himself so well for the entire series and then totally melt down and become a crazy person "after the rose". I don't know if he's trying to be nice or protect their feelings or what, but he came off bad. Really bad. And I didn't think we'd ever see it from this guy. If he didn't love either of them, I can totally respect that. I thought the decision to choose himself was cool. But if you're gonna do that, go all the way with it. Stop making comments that make it sound like you still want DeAnna. He was doing this weird push/pull thing that I don't get. Stick to your "I wasn't in love" guns cause that argument makes sense.

All that being said, the Bachelor is back! Who would have thought there would be a revival in this its 37th season! ABC should've hyped this. How did they not know they had gold? Meanwhile they ran a 3 hour finale with Charlie O'Connell. Know your shit.

And I hereby nominate DeAnna to be "The Bachelorette", and I hereby proclaim I will make an audition tape for that shit. DeAnna Handleman...has a nice ring to it.

The Sexy Bachelor Finale with Brad, Jenni, and DeAnna

First of all, a one hour finale? There was a day, friends, when the Bachelor finale was 3 hours. And it was gold. But I guess we can thank "Dancing with the Stars" for that. It truly makes no sense that America would want to watch Kelly Taylor do the rumba. Who could've guessed that? Maybe Steve Sanders.

Well, at least this show will be pad free...unlike DeAnna's bra. I don't know, felt like a joke. The show begins with DeAnna coming to visit Brad's family. Or is it Chad's family?

It's both. Chad is there - still with the stubble that makes he and Brad absolute clones of each other. Luckily for DeAnna, they're not wearing the same outfit so she won't be confused.

Brad reveals a little nugget: DeAnna has been a bartender for 8 years. What? How old is she? I thought she was all aggressive and girl power and shit. Guess that explains why her family wasn't upset about Brad's lack of education. Wait a minute! Her chyron says she's 25! Where is she from? The backwoods of the deep south? Oh yeah, she is. I guess the "Dukes of Hazzard" was a work of nonfiction.

Brad and Chad wrestle each other into the pool. Isn't that going to interrupt the space/time continuum? The same matter cannot occupy the same space! All I learned about science I learned from "Back to the Future" and "Timecop".

Wow, that was a quick, drama free lunch with the family. Thanks, 58 minute finale!

Jenni comes over and she and Brad are all over each other. Jenni tells his mom that if Brad asks her to marry him she will jump his bones and force him to the chapel immediately. Brad's Texas mom is all, "kiss my grits!" or something.

Haven't noticed this before: Jenni's got some choppers! Are those real? She's got a little fire marshall Bill thing going on.

Brad's family seems normal and the girls seem normal, there's really no drama or tension to be had. It's kind of a refreshing. And by refreshing I mean bring Moanna back, stat!

Brad goes to see DeAnna for dinner. At this point in the show, the way they are editing things and the way Brad is acting, I think he wants to marry both of them. I want to marry both of them too - of course I'm referring to Brad and DeAnna.

Brad and DeAnna open up to each other in a real, if slightly clinical way. They don't have the sexual chemistry of he and Jenni, but D just has a little more going on. She's got more depth - for God Sakes the girl was pouring shots for Bo and Luke while she was in high school!

The next night, Brad sees Jenni. Oh boy, she's starting to lose it. Well it's about time - please show us something besides your dance moves and your teeth. She starts crying at the dinner table, which we can officially call "pulling a Hillary".

Jennis says (while in tears breaking down) "I want you to know that I would do whatever it takes to make you happy". How about starting with stopping the water works. That would make me happy.

Shit. Dinner ends and Jenni gives Brad a journal that has something she wrote in it. Guess what it involves? Lots of crying. Jeez, you haven't even been eliminated yet! In the back of Brad's head he has to be thinking how bad it's going to be if he sends her home, right? Damn, that's hard. He should make Chad do it.

Okay, question: if you were Brad, and you didn't know who you were going to pick or maybe you were leaning towards Jenni, after these two nights wouldn't you have to pick DeAnna? I mean, that's a lot of crying. That's the rest of your life, buddy.

The next day, Brad picks a ring and shaves down a bit for the big decision. His 5:00 shadow is now 1:30-ish.

And first to get out of the limo is...Jenni!!! But wait, will they pull the ol' switcheroo? I don't think so. That's for lesser dating shows, The Bachelor has matured past it.

Brad tells Jenni that she "brings out a different side to him" - yeah, the side that hands people tissue to cry in. And then the romantic music stops, and the dreaded BUT comes...

Brad tells her exactly what I said! He says "I want something more that I can't find with us". Exactly. She's a perfectly nice, good girl, but that's all. DeAnna just has a little bit more to her. Finally, this show goes the way I think it should. It only took me 37 seasons to get it right.

Jenni cries, though not as much as she did when she was happy. Weird how that works. I do feel bad for her though, she really did lay it all on the line And she's a nice girl and not evil like a lot of the girls we've seen in the same spot. But don't fret, I'm sure Steve Nash or Leandro Barbosa will holla at her at some point this season.

DeAnna pulls up for her big moment. Wouldn't it be great if Brad, inspired by Jenni Garth in his lead in, rejects DeAnna too and says "I choose me!". And then he takes the last rose, flies to Paris, and falls in love with Colin the drug addict/artist.

Not to get girlie on everyone, but Brad looks a lot better with the 1:30 look, he might wanna think about maybe even moving down to 10am or 11.

In the middle of his speech, he goes "hold on real quick" and walks around in a little circle. What the fuck? Maybe he is choosing himself! He says "I can't look you in your eye and tell you I love you. I can't do that. I have to tell you goodbye". Holy crap!!! My prediction has come true! I am freaking myself out. I swear I wrote that whole Kelly Tayor thing before this all happened. Fuck Lisa Williams, put me on Lifetime, bitch! Now if only he goes to Paris and meets Colin...

D is pissed. And confused. And pissed! She says "this is why I don't wear my heart on my sleeve". Ouch.

Well this was an interesting turn of events, but we must respect it. Too many times they've gone through with a coupling we all knew was bullshit. Brad has been the best bachelor of all time, and this is why. He was real about it, he wasn't feeling either of them. Though I will say it did seem like he had more of a connection with these two than other bachelors have had with girls in the past.

Tomorrow night, a bachelor bonus! Brad and the girls talk it out in an "after the final rose" show. It looks like it's going to be brutal for Brad, they confront him and they both look hot! Should be interesting.

In dedication to Brad, and my psychic Lisa Williams self, I have looked up this clip. Enjoy (sorry about the sound it's the only one i could find).

Wanted: Heterosexual Men in Fashion

I have heard rumors that the "high waisted pant" is the hot new thing in fashion. Now, I've only heard about it because I am a straight guy, and I don't delve into such matters. And if any of you have seen how I dress you understand my ambivalence all too well. However, this news of the high waist disturbs me greatly.

What's wrong, ladies? Tired of looking attractive? Do you hate us? Is that what it is? Did you get sick of us enjoying your beauty? Do you not want us to fuck you? Please tell me because clearly there is something wrong.

I have only known two women in my life who wore the high wasted pant regularly. Both were junior high teachers of mine, both were in their 60's, and both were lesbians (what up, Ms. Sheeks? Holla!). Coincidence? No. Because we all know that true lesbians could care less about looking attractive. Hence, the haircuts.

Isn't fashion supposed to be about looking good? Who decides this stuff? Obviously, it's not heterosexual men - although we may have up with the low rise/thong showing number.

This is a bad look, and it must be stopped. I haven't been this enraged by a fashion trend since giant sunglasses. And we've all seen what those did to the Olsen twins.

So please, stop it. Bring back short skirts or something. Or maybe a good new trend would be no tops. That sounds cool, right? "Topless is all the rage this fashion season". I don't know, as I said I can't think of this stuff. But please, just say no to high waisted pants.

And if I'm wrong, then explain this:


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I can't make this stuff up

I went over to msnbc.com today, and this headline and picture were featured as the top story:

ALLEGED CIA MOLE HELD SENSITIVE POST



I'm not a security expert, but I'd say the mole's "sensitive post" was just to the right of her nose.

Does Anybody Else Find This Commercial As Hilarious As I Do?

I think it's the head bob while talking about cable's weak HD lineup. That gets me every time.

The Sexy Bachelorettes Tell All

Oh God, Chris Harrison really does say "the Bachelor takes center stage...or is it his identical twin brother Chad?" I will never get over this. It's almost to the point where I feel like the show is in on the joke. I'm just gonna pretend to myself that they are.

All the girls we forgot about are back. This episode is never as good as you think it's going to be and twice as uncomfortable as you want it to be. Let's begin.

I forgot about Sarah, the Winnie Cooper lookalike. Yikes, too bad about the bangs. For all the time women spend on their "look", it's surprising how many don't know about the danger of bangs. Very risky move there, proceed with caution.

Crazy Hillary says that Brad is better looking than David Beckham. I love Brad as much as anyone, people, but Brad is no Beckham. And that's why her name is Crazy Hillary, and not Totally Cool and Normal Hillary.

Ugh, I forgot how many clips are in this show. This is why the moguls don't care that we're on strike. "Just show a bunch of clips they've already seen and call it a new episode, they'll never know the difference!" This whole mess is partially my fault, cause I clearly will watch anything.

The McCarten hate starts up again. She calls Winnie Bad Bangs Cooper a "little skank". McCarten is kinda evil, but she's no Bettina. I think it's fair to say that McCarten is Heidi to Bettina's Spencer.

Chris asks Crazy Hillary about the famous "used car" line she said about Bettina. Hillary's response: "I just say witty things but I don't mean it to be harmful". Ha! "Witty things". Does balling uncontrollably count as witty?

Crazy Hillary joins Chris on the "hot seat". Making the seat hot? Hillary's chlamydia. Chris asks her why she was always crying when she was around Brad. Hill says that maybe someone should've given her her PMS medicine. There's that acerbic wit again.

Bettina is next on the hot seat. Wait, does that seat have a doctorate? Cause it might not be good enough for her to sit on.

In the clips, Creepy Stephen King is back! And the infamous "I don't look that great on paper either" line. Ooh, I hate that. She is Spencer, except she has a fuller beard (what's with that beard? Douche. I saw him at the movies last week, with Heidi, just evil).

I'm so pissed! Harrison doesn't ask about Bettina's family and the horrific visit. He skips right to the Cabo date. What the fuck?! Bettina has to bring it up, and it's confusing as to what she's talking about. It's almost like the Bachelor producers told Harrison to skip over it and not ask the good questions. Jesus. This is like watching Fox News.

It's Sheena's turn. What's she gonna talk about - the time she fell down the stairs? Cause that's all she's got. Oh! I forgot! There's also the time she was able to tell the difference between two people who look nothing alike (Brad and Chad). Way to go, sister!

Sheen about her fall: "That shows that I'm a real person". That's a relief, I thought she was fake, like Hillary's boobs.

Oh God, they do this thing where Harrison announces Brad and Chad comes out. STOP THE MADNESS!!!

I forgot how funny it was that Bad Bangs liked Chad more than she liked Brad. "He's much more laid back tonight!"

Yey! Chad says "obviously I don't look like Brad at all..." I nominate Chad as the next bachelor just because of him saying that. Unfortunately, he continues. He fucking loves Sheena. He tells her that she's a true lady and shit. He loves her! These two might be the only bachelor couple that actually work out.

Harrison asks one of the girls - Lindsay - why she didn't notice the difference between the "twins". She says "well, I knew when I hugged him that he was a little bit shorter". Yeah, that explains it. She says that "I just trusted that it was him...I'm just not one to say something to someone like that". Guys in her hometown right now are planning their approach to Lindsay "hey, it's me Brad, from the Bachelor. Would you like to go to my fantasy suite?"

Brad comes out. Or is it--oh screw it, I don't have the strength anymore. Bettina asks the question we all want to know: why the heck did Brad give her a rose after meeting Creepy Stephen King? Brad says it's because it was all about their connection, and he really had feelings for her. Yeah, it wasn't for the revenge fuck at all.

They show a great montage of Hillary saying what she wants Brad to do to her and Morals and Values whoring it up. I miss morals, ah heck, I miss values too. But that's not that surprising since I like boobs.

They end with a tease for the sexy season finale next week. I just have a feeling it's Jenni. But until then, goodnight!

Mom, I'm just sayin...

This is in today's Variety:

"Jada Pinkett Smith will write and direct The Human Contract, according to FilmJerk. Will Smith and his producing partner James Lassiter will produce through their Overbrook Entertainment.

The film centers on Julian Wright, a charming and mega-successful businessman who hides a secret from the rest of the world which tears his soul apart every day. With his personal life in shambles, Julian will find himself willing to travel down the rabbit hole, as it were, when he meets Michael Reed, a gorgeous stranger who entices Julian to forget his rigid corporate world and try a more bohemian lifestyle, a decision that will not only affect his own life but those of his boss and co-workers..."

What an imagination! Where does she come up with this stuff?

Get in that Ass, Larry!

The "Curb Your Enthusiasm" finale was last night and it was fantastic. I enjoyed this whole season - it seemed to be the most consistent of the series. This show has always been up and down. The ups are absolute genius and the downs are just plain painful. But the episodes this year were a lot more even and all had at least one hilarious thing about it.

Why was it so good this season? Well, the same reason the NBA is good: The Blacks. However, I'm not referring to LeBron and D-Wade, I'm talking about the family that Larry and Cheryl let live with them - The Blacks.

Actually, it was just one particular black that made things great. I'm not talking about one of Vivica's boobs, I'm talking about Leon. Leon is played by JB Smoove (his real name I'm sure - investigate Rogan-ites!).

This year, it was the more Leon the better. He stole the show. He had a line last night that I kept repeating over and over. I haven't been able to find it on the internet yet, but here it is:

Larry is depressed because his wife left him. His friends come over to help him, and one of them asks Leon what the problem is:

Leon: He's got Moby Dick.
Jeff: Moby Dick, what does that have to do with anything?
Leon: He's got a Moby Dick.
Jeff: What? What does that mean?
Leon: A mopy dick! His dick is mopin'!

Damn, I love that. And I really hope the show comes back for another season and it's out with the Cheryl, in with the Leon. They could do a whole season of just the final montage last night. But we'll see.

Anyway, here is a Leon scene I did find. Enjoy.

The Status of "Lost", bitch

I think we can all agree that the worst part of this strike is the effect it might have on "Lost". I mean, ever since May we've been dying over here. I swear at least once a week my mind flashes back to that season 3 finale and I go "oh shit!". And then I try to remember all the important stuff that happened so I'll know what the hell is going on when it comes back.

ABC's plan was to air 16 straight episodes starting in February with no reruns in between. Obviously, the strike puts a damper in that plan.

I was at the big guild meeting last week and Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse were there - they are the men we have put our trust and faith in the last three years that this will all make sense. And they are geniuses. I really wanted to go to a microphone and say "um, would it be possible to institute a strike exemption for Damon and Carlton?" But I didn't think that would've gone over too well with that crowd. I mean, the "CSI" folks probably think they're hot shit too. They're not, but they think they are.

So here's the deal: 8 episodes have been filmed and completed. ABC has announced that they will go ahead and show those episodes, and then show the next 8 after the strike ends and they are completed.

This decision really isn't in the best interest of the show. The whole reason they've made us wait this long for the next season is because they wanted to show it uninterrupted. For example, Fox has decided to suspend "24" because they only wanted to show it when they had a complete season ready to go.

Lindelof isn't happy with the decision. He says that the 8th episode ends in a major cliffhanger, and people might be pissed. Lindelof: "It's as much of a conclusion as, say, Ana-Lucia and Libby getting shot...An eight-episode season is an incomplete season, and I am not going to try to spin it any other way."

I have mixed feelings. I think a year or even more than a year is way too long to wait for the next season, especially of this show. I'm already forgetting stuff as it is. Plus, it's not like leaving us hanging is something new. On the other hand, it sucks that we're not going to see it the way the guys in charge wanted us too.

But either way, "Lost", bitch.

Notes from the Picket Line

I never thought I'd be a "union guy", and I never thought I'd walk a picket line. But you know what I really never thought would happen? That I would be a union guy walking a picket line with Ducky from "Pretty in Pink". These are strange times, friends.

In case you don't know this already: walking back and forth across the same street isn't fun. You know, I had an amazing discovery the last couple years: the older I got, the faster time would fly by. Unfortunately, I've found the antidote for it and it involves holding a sign and waiting for the next walk signal.

A half hour into the strike on Monday, a writer at Fox was run over by an angry editor. He's in the hospital with a broken leg. Unbelievable. Things were far less exciting over at my post - gate 5 at Warner Brothers. I was horrified when I heard that broken leg story, but it only took an hour a half before I was kinda jealous of the guy. I mean, he doesn't have to picket anymore, right?

But here's some cool stuff that's happened:

I think the best part for me has been meeting actual working writers. Hollywood is weird. It's filled with a lot of wannabes and even more bullshitters. Everyone is a writer here, but no one is.

On the picket line I've met people who actually write and get paid for it. I hang out with the folks from "Smallville" and "ER" and "Without a Trace" and "Cold Case". They're just regular people who write for a living. It's awesome. I would never meet them in normal circumstances. These aren't people who you'd meet in a bar bragging about whay they do. They're low key dorks, a lot like me.

I met a lady who just finished writing an Amber Tamblyn movie for Lifetime. I met a guy who wrote "Spiderman 2". I met a lady who works as a temp nearby and just wanted to support the cause. I met a guy who I actually met at my first job in LA: interning at "Dharma and Greg". And I met a screenwriting team of brothers who are my age. We grew up loving the same movies and wanting to do the same thing - write them ourselves. They've never had anything produced, but regularly pitch stuff to Chris Columbus and Steven Spielberg. I told them about "In The Mix", and they're not that bummed about not having anything produced anymore.

I also walked with John Stamos, Mekhi Pfifer, Maura Tierney and the rest of the cast of "ER". Clint Eastwood gave me a thumbs up...as he crossed the picket line. Julia Louis Dreyfus and Wanda Sykes walked over to a "Desperate Housewives" location shoot with us and helped fuck it up. Together we chanted "Eva, Longoria, who writes your story-a". These are STRANGE times, friends. And yes, professional writers came up with that rhyme.

One thing that's bothering me about the press about this is the notion that we're rich. Sure, some members are very rich. But I'm not. Most of my friends are not. And even those of us who get paid a lot each week, there's no job security. We can get fired at any moment, or even more common, our show can get cancelled at any time. And then you have no money coming in at all. And you can't just go on some job interviews and get something else. You have to write some more spec scripts and hope that your agent is a total douche.

Now, I'm not complaining here. This is the career path I've chosen. But for the other side to paint us as some kind of greedy fat cats when they have billions, well, they obviously haven't seen my apartment.

So far, everyone has been great. Lots of enthusiasm and support - well, except for the guy who drove by me and yelled "greedy!". I hope we can keep this up and pray, pray, pray that this ends soon - cause walking in a circle sucks.

The Bachelor Sexy Final Three

This comes after a big day of picketing (which I'll write about later), so this is the absolute highlight of my day...

The final three will each spend a "romantic" overnight date with Brad in Cabo. That's right, folks, it's the awkward fantasy suite show! And it's only 45 minutes long? What the hell, ABC? Do you think "The Bachelor" is your little play thing to do whatever you want with? You bastards.

First up is Jenni/Spoons. Think Spoons is gonna hesitate at the fantasy suite offer? She'd put out even if it was a horrible reality suite.

They go swimming with dolphins. I wonder if she had the opportunity to turn this down, cause if it was me, hell no. I'm a true animal lover, cause I leave dolphins alone. And besides, despite what you've heard they are filthy, filthy beasts.

Brad wonders if he and Spoons' relationship is only physical. Of course it is! You've known her for two weeks while you've dated 20 other chicks! And also, she's a Phoenix Suns dancer.

Spoons tries to "open up" to Brad - ha. However, she explains that instead of telling him how she feels, "I'd rather just show it". That's what I thought. Then before Brad can reach for the fantasy suite card, she goes "I'm pretty sure you have something special in your pocket". I don't know if it makes it better or worse that she was just talking about the fantasy suite card.

She literally grabs the card out of his pocket and yelps "let's go!" without him even asking her. I don't know what you'd call her in your neighborhood, but in mine we'd call her awesome!

Next up, it's Bettina. Many of us are praying that Brad has kept her on for some sort of long term revenge plan, a la Inigo Montoya in "The Princess Brad". "My name is Brad the Entrepreneur, your father is a dick, prepare to die!"

They go sailing together. It's amazing that Brad knows how to operate a boat, seeing as how he doesn't have a college degree and all.

Bettina tries to pretend that her family was "only" concerned that Brad was "as in to her as she is in to him". Yeah, that and thinking he's a moron and not as cool as your supercool ex husband. Shut up, Bettina. You and Creepy Stephen King.

Brad busts out the fantasy suite card. Bettina is all, "do they have a bachelor's degree in there?" They go in and make out in the hot tub. Meanwhile back at Bettina's hometown, Creepy Stephen King gives her ex husband a reach around.

It's DeAnna time! I almost forgot about her - interesting they would save her date for last. They go dune buggy racing. I liked it the first time I saw it, when it was on "Rock of Love". Man, I watch too many dating shows.

DeAnna does not mince words. She lays it on the line and basically says she loves him and knew it right away, etc., and Brad seems to really dig it. Mystery's (from "The Pickup Artist") dream was to fall in love with two women who were also in love with each other and all three live happily together. I think that's what I want for Brad, DeAnna, and I.

Brad gives her the fantasy suite card. I would love if just one girl would go, did you give this to the other girls? And then when he says yes go, "well no thanks, then". I think the virgin tried to do that one season, but she ended up going to the suite and "hanging out".

They hit the hot tub. Brad says they are soulmates, and if we hadn't been watching this show for 37 seasons, we'd be convinced that she's the pick and the show is over. But we must assume at this point that they are tricking us.

ROSE CEREMONY (Bettina's gone, right? Unless he really is doing the Inigo Montoya thing)

JENNI gets a rose.

And so does...

DEANNA! Thank, God. My dream of a threesome marriage lives on.

Brad explains his decision to cut Bettina. "Um, remember when you said, 'I don't look good on paper either'? Well I may not have graduated college, but I aced the reading comprehension portion of the scarlet letter on your chest: and it says snobby divorcee beyotch. And also, your dad is a dick.

And that was the quickest 45 minutes in Bachelor history! And the sexiest!

(in the tease for next week's "The Women Tell All" episode, Chris Harrison goes "Brad comes back to answer some tough questions...or is it Chad?" Stop the madness!)

I'm on strike

Today my union, the Writers Guild, has decided to strike. That means that instead of sitting here watching the "Golden Girls" every day, I'll be sitting here watching the "Golden Girls" angrily.

But seriously, this sucks. To say my timing in this industry is bad is like saying Dog the Bounty Hunter isn't a big fan of Quanza. It's an understatement. I just got done reading a book about how the '90's were a bonanza for writers, and everyone was getting 7 figure development deals and low level "Dawson's Creek" writers had fuck you money. Guess what year I got here? 2000. Thanks!

And now this. Guess when I had a million meetings scheduled for? Next week. Thanks again! Guess when I even joined this union? A couple months ago. Crap!

That being said, this is something that very much needs to be done. The WGA has notoriously been the worst union in Hollywood for a long time.When I was fighting to be guild, studio types would say "you don't deserve benefits". And I would ask "why do the costumers and cameramen and editors deserve benefits, etc. and I don't?" And they'd always come back with the exact same answer: "Well, they have a good union."

So it's about time we took a stand, I just wish it didn't have to be on my dime. I'll say it again; this sucks.

For those who care, this fight is about one single thing: the internet. Here's the issue:

Let's use "Lost" as an example. The writers of that show get paid when an episode they've written airs. Then when that episode is rerun the first time, they are paid a little less than they were that first time. And when it airs again, they're paid less than that, and so on. The pay scale is setup for this system.

However, ABC has decided that they will not rerun an episode of "Lost". Instead, they will put that show on the internet. It will be sold via Itunes, or run on their site with advertising. And the writer sees $0 for that. So if you're a writer on "Lost", you are missing out on at least 50 percent of income than you used to get.

That's gonna happen with all shows and with movies - DVD's will be a thing of the past. Digital downloads are the future, and that's the fight.

You might say, "well why should the writers get paid every time it runs?" Well, because the pay scale was created for that previous model. If you want to get rid of residuals, then the studios would need to increase minimums for scripted episodes.

That's a lot of money at stake. Let's just hope it gets resolved quickly.

This sucks.