American Girl Doll Insanity

I don't know if you have heard of American Girl Dolls, but let me tell you that they are not just dolls. They are people, people. They are dolls with a past. They are dolls you can make look and dress like you. They are dolls that need their hair did. They are creepy.

My favorite kind are the "historical character" dolls. You see, not only do they have dolls that can be your doppelganger, but they also have dolls who purportedly come from a time in history - from a good time gal in the swingin' '60's, all the way back to a Native American chick in the 17th century. Each one has a full biography and books written detailing their "story".

One of the crazier backgrounds is that of Addy, who is African American in the year 1862 and yes, a slave. And they don't shy away from the details in her rough life. Here is a piece of her story:

"Addy Walker’s story begins as she and her mother are escaping slavery to find Addy’s father and brother, who’ve been sold away. But their escape means leaving Addy’s baby sister behind—her cries could cost them their lives."

That's cold, man. That doll has ice in its veins! Listen kids, let Addy's story be a lesson to you: if you're gonna keep up with that crying you might be left behind in bondage.

As amazing as that is, it's nothing compared to what goes on at the American Girl store. Unfortunately, there are only three - in LA, Chicago, and New York. If you are nearby, I strongly urge you to pay it a visit. It was the highlight of my holiday shopping this year.

The store is broken up into little shops. One is a hair salon...for the dolls. There are little barber chairs for the dolls to sit in and "stylists" cutting and braiding doll hair. There is a photo studio where you and your doll can be on the cover of American Girl magazine. There is an emergency room with employees dressed in white lab coats where they "treat" injured dolls. And there is a clinic where they give the Jami Lynn Spears doll abortions.

It's really amazing and kind of scary, but whatever, I'm a boy so maybe I can't understand. Plus, I've spent the majority of the last month shooting 12 year olds online in Call of Duty 4 (I'm lying, they shoot me)...I guess I shouldn't hate. So I apologize, girls, now go enjoy your slave dolls!

This is my last post of 2007, let's hope 2008 includes a lot more funny, and a lot less of me carrying a sign and walking in circles. Thanks for reading, happy holidays, see you next year...

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go unchain my Addy's little sister doll from the basement.

Guys Don't Like Bangs Part II

Since many of you got hung up on the funny bangs/mullet photo from the earlier post, I thought I'd show some other examples. If any of you wanna try and say that these people look better with bangs, bring it on. But I guarantee no heterosexual male thinks so.

"Juno Lynn Spears"

INT. BRITNEY SPEARS MANSION - DAY
Britney Spears sits on her bed with her sister, 16 year old Jamie Lynn.

BRITNEY:

What do you feel like doing today, yo? We could...get chased by some paparazzi, or shave each others heads--ooh! I know, let's take pregnancy tests!

JUNO LYNN
Why? Do you think your eggo might be preggo?

BRITNEY
You never know.

JUNO LYNN
All right, let's do it. I have to pee anyway, I just drank my weight in Red Bull.

LATER

They both hold the pregnancy tests in their hands.

BRITNEY
What the fuck?! This can't be right, y'all!

JUNO LYNN
You're pregnant?

BRITNEY
No! I'm not!

Juno Lynn holds up her stick.

JUNO LYNN
Well I am, Fertile Myrtle.

BRITNEY
Maybe it's just a food baby. Did you have a big lunch?

JUNO LYNN
I had the bag of cheetos same as you. (re: the stick) This ain't no etch a sketch, and this is one diddle that can't be undid, homeskillet.

BRITNEY
Oh shit! Phukhet Thailand. Are you going to go to Women Now, cause the commercial says they help women now.

JUNO LYNN
I can't do that. We're Spears, we only have abortions the first 50 times. Destroying more fetuses than that just feels wrong!

BRITNEY
Keep your voice down. Mom's here, she doesn't know we're sexually active.

JUNO LYNN
What? That's impossible. She has to know. You have kids.

BRITNEY
What kids?

Britney puts her arm around her kid sister, trying to talk her out of it.

BRITNEY
I don't know about keeping it, Jami Lynn. You're gonna get huge, just look what happened to me. I'm a big fat bald pig. And besides, everyone's gonna find out and get pissed at you.

JUNO LYNN
Maybe they'll canonize me for being so selfless.

BRITNEY
No, everyone will shit and be super mad when you drop your baby on its head.

JUNO LYNN
Maybe I won't drop it on its head.

BRITNEY
It's impossible not to. Trust me, yo.
(beat)
What should we do now?

JUNO LYNN
I don't know. I'm pretty depressed.

BRITNEY
We should do what I did after both times I found out I was pregnant.

JUNO LYNN
What's that?

BRITNEY
Get wasted!

Juno Lynn is a little unsure.

JUNO LYNN
Wasn't that bad for your babies?

BRITNEY
What babies?

Guys Don't Like Bangs

We don't. And we're actually pretty serious about it. And yet, much to my chagrin, it seems like bangs are the new high waisted pant. So let me very clear: Guys do not like bangs.

I know what you're thinking, "not all guys". Yes, all guys! "But my boyfriend loves mine". He's lying, bitch!

Even the very few women that look okay with bangs, would look better without bangs. That is undisputed fact. You know what's scary? I don't know which I'd more prefer: a world without dogs or a world without bangs. Okay, I'd want the dog-free world, but bangs is up there!

Maybe it's our fault that you do all these unattractive things to yourselves. The worst of us is making you believe that we want to have sex with you no matter what. It ain't true.

Don't let this happen to you

See this chick? Her bangs are keeping her from getting banged. That's right, you heard me. Those bangs are hiding a hot forehead, I'm sure of it.

Listen, I'm not trying to hate here, I'm just giving you what me and my homies call "real talk". Let me sum up with this example: have you ever looked at an old, embarrassing picture of yourself and said "Oh my God, look at those non-bangs! What was I thinking? I should've had bangs there!"

No, that's never happened ever. And if you say it has you're a liar and a bang haver and part of the problem. But you know you've looked at an old, embarrassing picture of yourself and said "those bangs are horrible"!

Now just apply that statement to always and we'll be cool.

Jumpin' Jammin' with Toots McGee

As some of you know, I have a ridiculously cute nephew named Toots McGee. Now Toots has a little brother, Tooter McGruder.

"Hello, I'm Tooter McGruder, and I am currently tooting"

They live about 40 minutes away from me and are awesome.

I drove down there yesterday to take Toots to a place called Jumpin' Jammin' (shhh, don't tell my Strike Captain). Toots and I had been to this particular establishment before and we had a great time. It's an indoor playground that has a bunch of stuff for kids to "jump" and "jam" on - like slides and trampolines, etc.

The problem is, Toots cannot play by himself. Nor does he wish to play with other kids (he takes after his mom). Nope, he will only do things if he has adult company. If you say no, he will very politely yet sternly say, "you can do it, Irwin!". And believe me, you have to do it.

Thus, I have to maneuver my size 34! body through playgrounds built for 3 year olds. They say that playing one game in the NFL is the equivalent of getting into a major car accident. Well, I like to think 2 hours at Jumpin' Jammin' is the equivalent of at least a minor fender bender.

Anyway, Toots and my favorite thing at this place is an American Gladiator style arena they have built where kids can shoot very soft balls out of air cannons. In the middle of the pit is a big machine that acts like a volcano. The balls get accumulated in this contraption and every 5 minutes a button on it lights up. When a kid hits the button it makes a very loud noise and the balls shoot out of the top and rain down. It is great.

The best part about it is that every time this happens, it scares the shit out of Toots. Even though he's usually the one pressing the button! It's like he wants to be scared shitless - which may explain the success of every horror movie that gets released.

Okay. Since blogger has introduced an "add video" button I've wanted to put something on. Well finally I have some video. Here is Toots freaking out as the volcano explodes. I assure you, he had done this 10 times in a row (we're pretty sure he has OCD) before this particular incident. Yet his fear level remains the same.

A Sad Christmas Announcement

Dearest Friends,

Another Christmas season is upon us and I couldn't be happier. Yes, even though my last name is Handleman, it is my favorite holiday of the year. I'm actually only half Handleman, to more accurately describe my religious background it should really be Irwin O'Handlemanopoulos.

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that what's makes this time of year great is getting stuff. Fuck giving, getting is where it's at. And I know that many of you are asking yourselves at this very moment, "what should I get Irwin for christmas? Is "The Bachelor" on DVD?"

This is why I'm writing this now, because I want you to know the facts before doing your shopping. You see, this Christmas season is bittersweet for me. It's actually more bitter than sweet. It's a changing of the guard of sorts and it's kinda depressing...

Okay, I'll stop stalling. Here is the big announcement:

I am no longer a 32 waist, I am a 34.

Hey, it's been a helluva ride. 32 and I have come along way, it's been 15 fun filled years. There were was that time we got our first cords, or when we went to our Senior Ball in a new suit. And who could forget the time 32 couldn't hold it together while we inner tubed at Lake Havusu? As I retrieved those shorts floating lifelessly in the warm waters, we laughed and laughed...

But those days are over. I like to tell myself that it's not the end of a golden era, but rather the beginning of a newer, golder one. So please, when doing your shopping, it's 34.

Fear not, 32 has moved on to a better place. I like to think it's number is retired in some hall of fame somewhere, maybe in the Lake Havasu in the sky.

Floyd Mayweather

I'm a big boxing fan. There's a fight on Saturday in Vegas between Floyd Mayweather and Ricky Hatton. Because both of them are undefeated and one of them is black and the other is white, it is being heavily hyped (even though, I would argue, Floyd is about a million times better).

Anyway, I got in my car the other day and turned on AM sports radio. One of Floyd's supporters was being interviewed about the fight. He was doing the typical boxing thing and hyping up his guy as much as he could, saying: "Floyd Mayweather is the best pound for pound fighter in the world...Ricky Hatton can't touch Floyd, Floyd's just too quick...Mayweather's gonna knock Hatton out".

You know when you get in halfway through a radio interview and they don't tell you who is talking and the whole time you're trying to figure it out and can't believe they're not telling you? This was one of those times.

At first I thought it was Roger Mayweather, Floyd's uncle and trainer. But then I thought it might be Floyd's dad - who happens to be named Floyd Mayweather Sr.

Finally, they said who it was and it wasn't Floyd's uncle or his dad. It was Floyd Mayweather. Irwin Handleman couldn't believe it. In fact, Handleman found it quite funny.

I'm a Flirt

You remember that episode of "Friends", where everyone told Ross that he was "like, the worst flirt ever"? And then Ross tries to prove them wrong by flirting with the cute pizza delivery girl, and kicks it off by asking her: "hey um, ya know the smell gas has?" And gets worse from there.

Anyway, this is word for word a conversation I had today with a cute girl holding a "SAG Supports the WGA" picket sign.

Irwin: You're an actress?

Cute Girl: Yep.

I: Are you famous?

CG: No, not really. I do mostly commercial work.

I: Oh, that's cool. Have you done any embarrassing commercials?

CG: (confused look)

I: You know, like for feminine hygiene?

CG: (horrified) No, I think I tank those auditions on purpose or something.

I: Right. I was feeling bad for this guy yesterday, I kept seeing him on this commercial and he was talking about his erectile dysfunction.

We start walking across the street together, surrounded by other writers.

CG: Well, sometimes they pay double for commercials like that.

I: Oh, that's nice. I guess for double I'd talk about my erectile dysfunction.

CG: (even more horrified)

I: Not that I have erectile dysfunction, but I'd do a commercial for erectile dysfunction...I'm gonna stop saying erectile dysfunction now...(chanting) More money, less moonves!

The Long and Short of It