MOST UNREALISTIC COUPLE/UGLY GUY CATEGORY
This category is at it's apex due to one man: Judd Apatow. It's previous hey day was in the '90's, which saw a flood of old man/hot young girl movies. You know, Harrison Ford and Anne Heche, Harrison Ford and Julian Ormond, and Sean Connery and anybody.
But now, it's Apatow's time. And while Jonah Hill made a nice run with "Superbad", the winner is of course:
Seth Rogen with Katherine Heigl in "Knocked Up".
It's not even that Heigl is so hot, it's that Seth Rogen is unattractive, broke, gets high all the time, is a mean person!, and has no ambition whatsoever.
MOST UNREALISTIC COUPLE/UGLY GIRL CATEGORY
This category is very close to my heart. I've railed against unfortunate female lead casting many times, mainly because I have to understand why a guy is doing all this shit for a girl, and if she looks like Brittany Murphy, then I don't get it. And the winner is...
Juliette Binoche, with Steve Carell in "Dan In Real Life".
Oh, I know ladies, "she's adorable". No, she's not. She does not look good, and she certainly isn't "screw over your girlfriend" cute. You just like her cause you're cuter than her.
WORST ACT THREE
"No Country For Old Men".
What, Coen Brothers? You're too good to just do an action movie? Books are books, and movies are movies. They are not the same, so just make a good movie.
WORST ACT TWO
"Superbad".
In Act 1 and 3: a funny teen sex comedy. In Act 2: an episode of Mad TV.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR WHO DIDN'T USE A BAD HAIRCUT
Philip Seymour Hoffman, "Charlie Wilson's War".
BEST MOVIE I THOUGHT I'D HATE
"Dan in Real Life"
You never want to admit a movie with Dane Cook is good, but it kinda is.
MOST CELEBRATED MOVIE I DIDN'T SEE BUT EVERYONE WHO I KNOW THAT SAW IT SAID IT SUCKS
"Atonement"
LONGEST AWARD
"Most Celebrated Movie I Didn't See But Everyone Who I Know That Saw It Said It Sucks"
MOST UNBELIEVABLE SEQUENCE (THAT DIDN'T INVOLVE TALKING ROBOTS FROM OUTERSPACE)
"Live Free or Die Hard"
The sequence where he's following the bad guy's truck, and then he gets attacked by a fighter jet. He has to stop following the bad guy's car to deal with the jet, which he ends up defeating even though the jet is firing missiles and all he has is a handgun - but that's not even the unbelievable part!
After the 10 minute battle with the jet, he jumps down off the now destroyed freeway, looks over, and just happens to see the bad guy's truck pulling into a nearby wharehouse.
CRAP ASS SEQUENCE, LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT
"Transformers".
I believe I've written about this before, but it's where all Shia has to do is go inside his house and grab a pair of glasses. He tells the transformers, "wait here". But for no reason they don't wait there, and start doing all this transforming in his front yard and it goes on for a completely unnecessary 20 minutes. You really need to see it to appreciate it, but please don't.
WORST "LET'S RANDOMLY MAKE HIM A STAR"
Shia Labouf
BEST BIG BUDGET MOVIE
"Bourne Ultimatum"
BEST LOW BUDGET MOVIE
"Once"
MOVIE THAT MADE ME WANT TO QUIT SHOW BUSINESS
Tie: "Wild Hogs", "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry"
FAVORITE LINE FROM A TRAILER
"Are you two homo sexicals?"
MOST HATED LINE FROM A TRAILER
"Sweeney Todd" "You sir, two sir! (breaks into song) I will have vennnnngeance!"
MOVIE I GOT TO TELL THE STAR'S PUBLICIST THAT IT SUCKED
"Hot Rod"
TITLE OF THE YEAR
"P2".
I'm so bummed, I park in a lot of parking garages and I never came up with this.
BEST JUST OKAY MOVIES
3-way tie: "Into the Wild", "American Gangster", "We Own the Night"
LONGEST
"Zodiac", "There Will Be Blood" (they are both 158 minutes)
SHORTEST
"The Comebacks" (84 minutes)
BEST OPENING SCENE THAT HAS JASON STREET FROM FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS SINGING
"Music and Lyrics"
It's actually an underrated movie, and the songs are really good - especially the one from the opening that spoofs "Wham". You should watch it here.
BEST MOVIE IF YOU HADN'T READ THE BOOK
"The Kite Runner"
WORST MOVIE IF YOU HAD READ THE BOOK
"The Kite Runner"
BEST NAKED MARISA TOMEI
"Before the Devil Knows You're Dead"
WORST NAKED PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
"Before the Devil Knows You're Dead"
THOSE OTHER AWARDS
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Javier Bardem
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
I have no idea in this category. The only person I saw was Tilda Swinton in "Michael Clayton", and I didn't think she was all that.
BEST ACTOR
Daniel Day Lewis
BEST ACTRESS
(should) Ellen Page/(will) Julie Christie
SCREENPLAY
Diablo Cody
ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Coen Brothers
DIRECTOR
Coen Brothers
FILM
(should) "Juno"/(will) "No Country for Old Men"
I really liked "Juno", but I didn't think it was best picture material. I spent the rest of the year searching for the "real" best picture. I had all sorts of high hopes. First, for "No Country", and then "There Will Be Blood", but they are flawed films. For a long time, I pinned my hopes on "Michael Clayton", but that didn't do it for me either. I don't think there was a best picture last year, but since there has to be, it's "Juno".
6 comments:
I spent an hour and a half with Juliette Binoche in Paris last month, and she is STUNNING. Granted, she's not one of the Bachelor contestants your pee-pee gets stiff over, but I think that's a good thing.
With love and bafflement,
JD
I think it's pretty clear that the best movie of last year was The King of Kong.
THANK YOU for your comment on Wild Hogs. I will never get that time back. The worst part (and granted, I am the youngest staff member in my dept) all of my co-workers thought it was SO cute and funny.
My husband won't let me live down that I chose to rent that movie on our "date night"...although I certainly feel like I can throw back Tenacious D, The Pick of Destiny in his face...and Beerfest.
I said I wasn’t gonna lose my head
But then pop! Goes my heart
(Pop! Goes my heart)
Seriously, the fake video at the beginning of Music & Lyrics is just genius. And it has Jason Street! Singing and dancing!
You, sir, are spot on, at least in the following regards:
1) Wild Hogs is amazingly awful. Truly awful, to an amazing degree.
2) Before The Devil Knows You're Dead does indeed, hands down, deserve the best Marisa Tomei Naked Award. Rules permitting, the movie should get the award again next year.
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