This might be my last recap about this because last week's episode was so terrible. Let's see if we get an improvement.
Oh wait, I immediately see we're in trouble - this episode is 2 hours long! What the hell!? I have a job, motherfuckers. This really sucks because you know they're taking what is normally an hour show and putting filler in there to make it two.
A new wrinkle this season: the guys have to live in a shitty guest house. Each week 3 of them will get to live with DeAnna in the mansion. This wrinkle might be interesting...if we haven't already seen it in every other dating show. Bachelor, if you're gonna steal from other dating shows, at least have the decency to steal the girl who shit in the living room on "Flavor of Love".
First group date, and it's said to be "magical". There are 7 guys on it - the guy with the kid is there, so is the gay football player, and mullet man. They go to the Magic Castle in LA. My friend Tara has a very funny yet very real anger towards magic. She hates it. She is physically repulsed by magic acts. And I kinda see where she's coming from.
One on one time for Mullet Man...and have I mentioned his horrible suit? It's some kind of two toned silver number. Even David Copperfield is like "that's an ugly ass suit".
Filler. Filler. Filler.
Paul the speedo guy from episode 1 gets a rose on the group date. That's how bad things are for DeAnna, he was the best choice.
Next, DeAnna and Graham have a one on one date at the beach. Graham is the "professional basketball player". I hate to break it to you, bro, but just because you wear a Live Strong bracelet and do the brotha man handshake doesn't mean you're a pro athlete.
She's getting "The Brad's" about Graham. She thinks he's not feeling it and doesn't know what he wants, that he's just on the show for the show, or something. But he somehow turns it around and gets the date rose and they make out. Wouldn't it be funny if it turned out that Graham had a twin brother named Sam who looked nothing like him? That would be a deal breaker for DeAnna, right? It would also be the only way I'd enjoy the Bachelorette this year.
Back at the house, the gay football player admits to the other guys that he's a virgin. What a shock. Can I call it or what? The gaydar is strong with me, it is. Yoda jokes, people, yoda jokes.
Next group date is at Dodger stadium. The guys are greeted by Tommy Lasorda. Wow, Tommy Lasorda?! The Bachelor really pulls in the celebrity sport cameos, huh? What, was Connie Mack not available?
Some guy sings a bad version of the national anthem, which Chris Harrison dubs "the most embarrassing moment in Bachelor history". What about the time you guys pretended two brothers were identical twins? Anyway, then there's a homerun derby. Creepy Jeremy wins, and then gets some one on one time where he tearfully reveals that both his parents are dead. I feel bad for the guy, but the way he tells her isn't exactly helping his chances. He says it like he killed them.
Next she talks to the Greek guy who only talks about being Greek. Ah, how I've dreamed to meet a Half-Jew girl whom I can talk endlessly about Half-Jew culture.
And then there's "old" Brian. He's the gray haired 50 year old looking dude who is actually younger than me. Every time I see him I want to kill myself. Luckily, I'm old enough to die of old age first.
Jeremy gets the date rose, killing his parents paid off after all.
Everyone goes back to the house for the final rose ceremony. I guess when the guys from the other house showed up, Jeremy said "welcome to our home". Now, as Chris Harrison says, "everyone hates Jeremy".
Twilley makes me uncomfortable. He makes DeAnna uncomfortable too. He says DeAnna "obviously doesn't have the case of the Twilleys".
Gay football player calls Jeremy a "dick" to his face. I feel like calling people a dick should make a comeback. Douche has taken hold the last couple years, but there's nothing like a good old fashioned dick.
Ron seemed like one of the few guys who might have a chance, but then he gets some one on one time and seems like a freak. He says to her, "give us hope". Easy there, Barack.
For some reason there's a pushup contest. The snowboarder guy wins. Amazing, what with all the other professional athletes in the house.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Can she get rid of all of them?
RON - I say, yes we can!
JESSE - let's hear it for the Herschel Walker workout.
ROBERT - the chef, unbelievable. The man wore a pink polo with the collar flipped up the entire episode!
BRIAN - the guy who is younger than me.
JASON - smart move not telling her about the kid.
FRED - who?
SEAN - mullet man! That's how bad the rest of the guys are.
RICHARD - dorky teacher we didn't hear much of this episode.
TWILLEY!!! - she's infected with a malignant strain of the Twilleys! This is the last straw for me. Twilley? The man is downright scary. He'd look crazy on the Tila Tequila show.
Sorry guys, I am out. I checked ahead and they are doing 2 hour episodes every week. Enough is enough. These guys are terrible, I'm done. As Chris Harrison would say, this is "the most quittable season in Bachelor history!"
In better news, "Lost" finale is this Thursday!