90210, Episode 1

Well, it's here. The "new class" 90210 idea has been talked about for at least ten years - even while the old one was still on the air. It always seemed weird to me that the networks weren't jumping on it, especially the WB back in the day. And now when it finally got the green light, everyone was like "new 90210! what a genius idea!". Dude, it's been sitting there forever.

The show begins with a family of four, led by Rob Estes (the poor man's Grant Show) and Lori Loughlin driving into Beverly Hills from Kansas. Why do all of these shows begin with this premise? Brandon and Brenda moved in Beverly Hills from Minnesota. Ryan moved to the OC from Chino. Jen was the whore from the city who moved to the creek. Same ole' shit.

By the way, Lori Loughlin and Rob Estes as the parents? We've come along way since Jim and Cindy Walsh, people.

Also, the daughter is disgustingly skinny. I mean, disgusting. Who thinks that is attractive? The "son" is adopted (just like Ryan by the Cohen's!), a black kid played by one of my favorite actors from "The Wire". They move in to Rob Estes' childhood home where his drunken mother is - who is played by the drunken mom from "Arrested Development".

Rob Estes is the new principal at West Beverly (dad as principal = Dawson's Creek), and the kids are now going to school there. The super skinny daughter spots a guy she's met "a couple summers ago" getting a blow job in the parking lot. Blow jobs! Updated for 2008, baby!

The cool kids quickly get introduced, including a curly haired broad who is supposed to be the new Kelly Taylor. And speaking of Kelly Taylor, she is at West Beverly as a guidance counselor and an ex-girlfriend of Estes. And this is when I realize that I am old. Kelly Taylor, guys. Kelly Taylor. The dried up guidance counselor.

There's an inside joke as "Hannah Zuckerman Vasquez" is the school president, and someone goes "what is she, like 30?" Not bad. But I hope this doesn't mean we're gonna have an Andrea appearance.

Speaking of old character's kids, next we meet Erin Silver. That's right, Kelly and David's half sister. And she is hot. I always knew that baby was gonna grow up fine. But wait, super skinny also. Doesn't anybody eat in this "zip"!

Oh my God, the Peach Pit is back. This is totally unnecessary. Also unnecessary, Joe E. Tata. Oh and guess what? He's not flipping burgers, he's making coffee. Updated for...1999?! I liked that "joke" 12 years ago, when it was on "Friends".

Skinny Girl #1 gets roped into the cool crowd, and befriends the Kelly Taylor girl (Naomi) who happens to be going out with the blow job guy. Uh oh - it wasn't her giving him that blow job. She doesn't say anything, but does let Naomi steal her term paper. The cool crowd has it's dark side, yo.

Oh no, Erin Silver has a blog. And she hates on bitches with it. Updated for 2008, y'all!

Some girl with horrible, horrible bangs likes to steal shit because she owes drug money.

It looks like the "theater department" is going to be a major component of the show for some reason. Super skinny Girl #1 (Annie) joins in, and Willie Pip's a girl by singing a song really well. She's gonna be a star. But then, her dad/principal busts her on the plagiarized term paper.

Rob Estes looks a lot like what I thought Jason Priestley would grow up to look like. You know, handsome and not all short and weird.

Naomi has a super sweet 16 party. Updated for...sorry. Through a complicated subplot involving the black kid from "The Wire" getting kicked off the lacrosse team, Naomi finds out that blow job boy is cheating on her. Nothing super or sweet about that, friends.

Somehow we find out that Rob Estes has a long lost child with Naomi's mom. Yeah, I don't know either.

Erin Silver is anti-establishment. You know, she has a blog and everything. She steals Annie away from the super sweet 16 to take her to a "real" party. They go to a little beach shin dig in Santa Monica. Hmmm, where have I seen a beach party like this before? The OC, bitch. Blow Job Boy surfs! Oh, that's so Dylan. Annie apologizes to him for yapping about the blow job/cheating thing. He says it's okay. There's a spark...except for he then heads over to Naomi and they make up. Snap! I smell a Brenda/Kelly/Dylan love triangle coming on.

Cut to: Kelly Taylor at home. She's talking on the phone to someone, we don't know who. She says "he's been asking about you". Then "I can't talk, he just came in" and a little boy, her son, appears. Who was on the phone? Brandon? Dylan? The oft-forgotten but actually a long running cast member Matt? We don't know!

That was the pilot. Hour #2...

Annie announces that she's broken up with her boyfriend back in Kansas. I didn't even hear that before. Okay. Some rival school's lacrosse team trashes West Beverly Hills, but Estes orders the boys not to retaliate. I seem to recall a similar story line involving Principal Belding.

Annie clumsily interrupts a new "cute" guy we haven't seen before singing. They're both in the musical together. Hmm, a high school musical. High school musical. Updated!

Bangs girl tells hunky bearded teacher that she's auditioning for a movie "so she can pay her mortgage cause her mom can't". Everyone isn't rich at West Beverly. Maybe she lives at Andrea's grandma's house. I really hope someone out there is getting these inside 90210 jokes.

Silver blogs about Naomi getting cheated on. Fucking blogs, so lame. By the way, Naomi is supposed to be "the hottest girl in school", she's easily the least hot of anyone on the show. I'd bang Lori Loughlin before her, but then again, I am old.

The other kids don't want to include Dixon (the black kid) on the revenge plans because his dad is the principal. So he and his dorky non-sports playing friend take it on themselves to do something. Annie gets asked out by the "cute" guy. Silver encourages this, but she probably just wants to haterade blog about it.

Okay, this is my favorite part. Annie's date picks her up in a Bentley, then drives her to a private plane because their having dinner in...San Francisco. That's right. A 16 year old with a bentley and a G4. What is he, one of the Jonas' brothers? See? I'm hip!!! I know young people stuff.

Hunky bearded teacher asks kelly out. She breaks the news that she has a kid. He tells her "everyone has some baggage". Ouch. Whenever a girl tells me she has a kid I act like it's the greatest news I've ever heard. Then I run away...after 3 months of dating.

Dixon's dorky friend's dad produces porn. I like where this second episode is going.

Annie is having the perfect date with Bentley Boy...I have a feeling there is something seriously wrong with this dude. Let's remember, Steve Sanders drove a fancy car too.

All right, we're at the coffee version of the Peach Pit. Kelly is there, and so is...Brenda! God. Did they really have to bring her back? I'd rather have Val, hell, I'd rather have anyone except for Andrea. Brandon is traveling the globe or some such, it's not clear. No hints if he's the father. Kelly and Brenda vow to spend more time with each other. They're just shoe horning this crap in, it's a tad annoying. I don't know why it was hard to organically work these people in.

Grandma - who serves absolutely no purpose on the show, there's seriously like 5 too many characters - gets in an accident. Annie is on her date and rushes home, and finds her Grandma hanging out with that sister from "Dallas". She is blow job boy's grandma. Annie and him hang out and bond. Let's adjust the love triangle, now it's Annie/Bentley Boy/Blow Job Boy.

Naomi revenge fucks some blonde douche named George. The lacrosse boys get revenge with some pigs. Estes wants someone to take responsibility or else the lacrosse season is over. I'm so bummed at Dixon's role in this. Do you understand how cool is character was in "The Wire"? Well, it was pretty cool.

Holy shit! Shot of Silver and Annie walking together. Combined they probably weigh a buck thirty. Gross. Kim Kardashian is famous for a reason, casting directors, her fat ass. Give us some of that on television. Enough with these skinny bitches.

Naomi and Blow Job dude break up, that's what blow jobs do - they ruin lives. She says: "you're breaking up with me?" Him: "I'm breaking up with us". Not exactly "I choose me", is it?

Bearded guy brings Kelly flowers and apologizes. Bentley Guy shows up outside Annie's house and makes out with her, just as Blow Job Boy shows up with a stuffed animal. He sees them and dejectedly walks away...