Flying with Fat People

There are two types of people in the world: those who are afraid to fly, and morons. I am not a moron...at least when it comes to flying. I don't like it. Call me crazy, but I don't enjoy putting my life in the hands of a guy (or girl) who couldn't make instructor at Top Gun.

Maybe it's a control issue. I don't think of myself as a controlling person, but I think that's just because I'm too lazy to act out on my need to control. I guess I break out of that when it comes to the whole "staying alive" thing. It makes sense, I mean, I always excelled at solo sports where I controlled my own destiny - like tennis, ping pong, masturbating - anything with a paddle, really.

But this isn't about my fear of flying. This is about fat people. The fat people that tend to sit next to me while I fly.

I feel bad for these overweight people on planes. In many aspects of society, we have adjusted to the obese. Just look at Costco. They feel normal there. Something about the 40 ounce bottles of barbecue sauce soothes them.

But airplanes haven't adjusted. Look at it this way: have you ever gone back to your old elementary school, maybe because of a younger sibling or because you're a pedophile, and you go back and can't believe how small the chairs and the desks are? That's what airplanes are to fat people. They're a first grade classroom they are forced to sit in.

Anyway, I was flying recently and one of these extremely large people - a lady - was next to me. You know, the kind with that vagina fat? That secondary belly that seems to come from the vagina. What is that? Her calories have figured they've done enough work on the belly, the ass, and the thighs, and now they're going straight to the fallopian tubes. That always weirds me out. As a matter of fact, she couldn't even fully bring down her tray table, it was forced to uncomfortably rest on that extra, mysterious mound of flesh.

Now I'm not trying to write some mean thing about fat people. I could give a shit if you're fat. Actually, I think I have much more anger for those skinny bitches on 90210. They disgust me. That's not attractive and it pisses me off that they think it is! And it's easy for them to do something about that, but losing weight is hard. Lord knows I can't make time to exercise. Be fat and happy, it's all good. Hell, I'm (sorta) skinny and miserable.

But I'm compelled to write something when your largeness affects my life. And this lady was monopolizing both arm rests. That is something I cannot stand for. If you are physically unable to not use both arm rests, it's time to reexamine things. Consider it a sign from the engineers at Boeing. The arm rests are for your arms, not the extra skin from your back. After all, they're called arm rests, "arm" is in the title! 

I'm forcing myself onto a plane once again on Friday, and all I'm asking is for one arm rest. You're not allowed both of them, one is for me. And I don't think that's too much to ask.