It's your standard 9:36pm start time (it was 10:02pm last week). I think I said this before, but isn't it funny that the thinking is: hey, we'll make them watch our "good" show for 6 extra minutes! They'll give up on watching anything else because they've missed the first 6 minutes! They'll be lost! They'll have to stay on our network!
First one on one date box: Holly will be going to a "private premiere" of Columbia pictures "Made of Honor". "Made of Honor" starring Patrick Dempsey, or as I like to call it, "My Best Friends Wedding" only with Patrick Dempsey.
They do the whole limo/red carpet thing, including some photogs (that's Hollywood talk) taking pictures of them. They also put their hands in concrete, that's kinda weird. I thought only big stars like George Clooney and Ryan Seacrest got to do that.
Finally they get inside and watch "Made of Honor" by themselves. And we are treated to assorted clips of the movie. Matt laughs at all the right parts, and frequently assures us that it's a "romantic comedy". Apparently they're using the extra half hour this week as one big commercial for "Made of Honor" starring Patrick Dempsey.
At the commercial break, guess what commercial comes on...that's right, it's Columbia Pictures "Made of Honor"!
Oh my God!!! When they come back from the commercial, the first words out of Holly's mouth are "what did you think of "Made of Honor". And then Matt interviews, "we just watched "Made of Honor"'. Please, stop. Wait...who stars in that again?
Back at the house, Lamas finds out that she's getting the other one on one and freaks the fuck out. Oh, Lamas. Then the cement that Matt and Holly put their hands in magically shows up at the house. The girls get pissed. Who's the most pissed? Lamas.
In classic Bachelor fashion, Matt gets Holly in a hot tub for some tonsil hockey. This get her a rose. It gets Matt a boner (can't get away from the dick jokes, it's what I do, people).
For the big group date, Matt is teaching them rugby. For dating aficionados, this is reminiscent of Bret Michaels teaching his hos how to play football. It's like that, except for Matt has hair and none of the women on this show have penises (i can't help it!).
Back at the house, Holly secretly reveals to Lamas that she has a spray tanner, and predictably, Lamas freaks the fuck out. It's weird because I thought Lamas was naturally fake tan like her dad.
In the rugby game, Marshana gets put on blast and goes down with a mouth injury. She's bleeding. Yep folks, this is this season's sprained ankle! We all know what happens next - she gets more alone time, all the other girls get pissed. Well, at least there was blood this time.
They go back to Matt's "house". And the girls act like it is literally his house. Marshana shakes off her mouth injury to do a celebration dance when she finds out she'll be getting a massage. It looks very similar to the dance Deion "Primetime" Sanders used to do when he'd score a touchdown or bang a stripper.
Matt tells Robin he loves her because she's smart and beautiful and "not afraid to get her hands dirty", he follows that up with "do you wanna go in the hot tub?" Ladies, it's not when we tell you you're beautiful before the hot tub, it's when we tell you that after the hot tub. Key difference there.
Lamas gets her date box and...freaks the fuck out. With her new tan she looks like a combination of Brooke Hogan and a young George Hamilton.
Matt gives the date rose to Robin. He really likes her. I don't get it.
Next, he picks up Lamas for their date. She wears some crazy boots, they may or may not be the same ones Hulk Hogan wore when he defeated Andre the Giant in Wrestlemania III.
Lamas starts going on and on how she doesn't want to use her dad's name if she doesn't have to. Not even to get laughs?
She said she knows that Matt wouldn't know her dad, but he's "well known in America" and describes him as being "on a show called 'Renegade'". How dare she ignore his work on "Falcon Crest"!
Matt says he thinks that there's "a lot more" to Lamas. I think he's talking about the spray on tan.
Everything she's doing and saying is screaming "run the fuck away"! Yet he seems to love it. Jeez, wait till he sees some reruns of "Falcon Crest", then he'll really be in love. But he does say "sometimes I think she's one sandwich short of a picnic". I think she's the basket and the blanket short.
Lamas says "saw" like a 6 year old, "sawl". Matt gives her the rose, and then he probably sawl her boobies.
Chelsea is feeling the pressure so she wears her lowest cut top and rapes his mouth with hers. Seriously, a mouth rape! Unfortunately for Chelsea, she has the shoulders of a young Deacon Jones.
Robin steals Matt from a girl and then she and Lamas and Smoker voice steal him back. All the girls yell at Robin for it (after all, Robin does already have a rose), and she gives the famous "it's a competition!" line!
Oh boy, she can't really pull of the "I'm not here to make friends" role. A) She's not hot enough, and B) she's not hot enough. Only Lamas can do it, but she appears to actually be friends with the others, which doesn't make any sense. She should be the girl that other girls hate, right?
AMANDA gets a rose. She looks a little like Maria Shriver, though slightly less Skeletory.
ASHLEY is in, I am a big fan. She's the hottest.
KELLY aka SMOKER VOICE lives on.
Big shouldered CHELSEA gets a rose, 3 tackles and a 2 and 1/2 sacks.
NOELLE gets a rose. She sort of reminds me of Allyson Hannigan. "This one time, on the Bachelor, I shoved a British guy in my pussy". Was that too far? I'm sorry, it's late and this show should not be an hour and a half.
MARSHANA is in! Man, injuries work every time. And ladies and gentleman, we have a new world record for a black woman! What a landmark day. A black lady going this far on the Bachelor...maybe Barack can be president. Yes we can!
Dammit! I just realized that Erin S. the hot dog vendor got eliminated. That sucks. She was not in the show this week at all. What the fuck? She is ten times better than Lamas and her dad isn't Lorenzo Lamas.
Next week: with nowhere else to turn, the producers turn to the "everybody hates Robin" storyline. Fun!