British Bachelor: Episode 3

A couple of people have expressed bemusement that I would devote so much time to doing the bachelor recaps. I've had to remind those people that I make my living doing dick jokes, so this is actually a level up for me. Anyway, on with the show.

It's your standard 9:36pm start time (it was 10:02pm last week). I think I said this before, but isn't it funny that the thinking is: hey, we'll make them watch our "good" show for 6 extra minutes! They'll give up on watching anything else because they've missed the first 6 minutes! They'll be lost! They'll have to stay on our network!

First one on one date box: Holly will be going to a "private premiere" of Columbia pictures "Made of Honor". "Made of Honor" starring Patrick Dempsey, or as I like to call it, "My Best Friends Wedding" only with Patrick Dempsey. 

They do the whole limo/red carpet thing, including some photogs (that's Hollywood talk) taking pictures of them. They also put their hands in concrete, that's kinda weird. I thought only big stars like George Clooney and Ryan Seacrest got to do that.

Finally they get inside and watch "Made of Honor" by themselves. And we are treated to assorted clips of the movie. Matt laughs at all the right parts, and frequently assures us that it's a "romantic comedy". Apparently they're using the extra half hour this week as one big commercial for "Made of Honor" starring Patrick Dempsey.

At the commercial break, guess what commercial comes on...that's right, it's Columbia Pictures "Made of Honor"!

Oh my God!!! When they come back from the commercial, the first words out of Holly's mouth are "what did you think of "Made of Honor". And then Matt interviews, "we just watched "Made of Honor"'. Please, stop. Wait...who stars in that again?

Back at the house, Lamas finds out that she's getting the other one on one and freaks the fuck out. Oh, Lamas. Then the cement that Matt and Holly put their hands in magically shows up at the house. The girls get pissed. Who's the most pissed? Lamas. 

In classic Bachelor fashion, Matt gets Holly in a hot tub for some tonsil hockey. This get her a rose. It gets Matt a boner (can't get away from the dick jokes, it's what I do, people).

For the big group date, Matt is teaching them rugby. For dating aficionados, this is reminiscent of Bret Michaels teaching his hos how to play football.  It's like that, except for Matt has hair and none of the women on this show have penises (i can't help it!). 

Back at the house, Holly secretly reveals to Lamas that she has a spray tanner, and predictably, Lamas freaks the fuck out. It's weird because I thought Lamas was naturally fake tan like her dad. 

In the rugby game, Marshana gets put on blast and goes down with a mouth injury. She's bleeding. Yep folks, this is this season's sprained ankle! We all know what happens next - she gets more alone time, all the other girls get pissed. Well, at least there was blood this time. 

They go back to Matt's "house". And the girls act like it is literally his house. Marshana shakes off her mouth injury to do a celebration dance when she finds out she'll be getting a massage. It looks very similar to the dance Deion "Primetime" Sanders used to do when he'd score a touchdown or bang a stripper.

Matt tells Robin he loves her because she's smart and beautiful and "not afraid to get her hands dirty", he follows that up with "do you wanna go in the hot tub?" Ladies, it's not when we tell you you're beautiful before the hot tub, it's when we tell you that after the hot tub. Key difference there. 

Lamas gets her date box and...freaks the fuck out. With her new tan she looks like a combination of Brooke Hogan and a young George Hamilton.

Matt gives the date rose to Robin. He really likes her. I don't get it.

Next, he picks up Lamas for their date. She wears some crazy boots, they may or may not be the same ones Hulk Hogan wore when he defeated Andre the Giant in Wrestlemania III. 

Lamas starts going on and on how she doesn't want to use her dad's name if she doesn't have to. Not even to get laughs?

She said she knows that Matt wouldn't know her dad, but he's "well known in America" and describes him as being "on a show called 'Renegade'".  How dare she ignore his work on "Falcon Crest"!

Matt says he thinks that there's "a lot more" to Lamas. I think he's talking about the spray on tan. 

Everything she's doing and saying is screaming "run the fuck away"! Yet he seems to love it. Jeez, wait till he sees some reruns of "Falcon Crest", then he'll really be in love. But he does say "sometimes I think she's one sandwich short of a picnic". I think she's the basket and the blanket short. 

Lamas says "saw" like a 6 year old, "sawl". Matt gives her the rose, and then he probably sawl her boobies. 

Chelsea is feeling the pressure so she wears her lowest cut top and rapes his mouth with hers. Seriously, a mouth rape! Unfortunately for Chelsea, she has the shoulders of a young Deacon Jones.

Robin steals Matt from a girl and then she and Lamas and Smoker voice steal him back. All the girls yell at Robin for it (after all, Robin does already have a rose), and she gives the famous "it's a competition!" line! 

Oh boy, she can't really pull of the "I'm not here to make friends" role. A) She's not hot enough, and B) she's not hot enough. Only Lamas can do it, but she appears to actually be friends with the others, which doesn't make any sense. She should be the girl that other girls hate, right?

ROSE CEREMONY

AMANDA gets a rose. She looks a little like Maria Shriver, though slightly less Skeletory.

ASHLEY is in, I am a big fan. She's the hottest.

KELLY aka SMOKER VOICE lives on. 

Big shouldered CHELSEA gets a rose, 3 tackles and a 2 and 1/2 sacks.  

NOELLE gets a rose. She sort of reminds me of Allyson Hannigan. "This one time, on the Bachelor, I shoved a British guy in my pussy". Was that too far? I'm sorry, it's late and this show should not be an hour and a half. 

MARSHANA is in! Man, injuries work every time. And ladies and gentleman, we have a new world record for a black woman! What a landmark day. A black lady going this far on the Bachelor...maybe Barack can be president. Yes we can!

Dammit! I just realized that Erin S. the hot dog vendor got eliminated. That sucks. She was not in the show this week at all. What the fuck? She is ten times better than Lamas and her dad isn't Lorenzo Lamas. 

Next week: with nowhere else to turn, the producers turn to the "everybody hates Robin" storyline. Fun!

These Guys Are the Same Age

Video for the Weekend

I figured it was about time I post this video on here. Actually, it was legally mandated that I do so because I quote from it and/or do an impression of this girl's impression from it literally every single day of my life. There's some sort of copyright law that kicks in and I would've faced a lawsuit.

Anyway, maybe you've seen it. Maybe it's been emailed to you, whatever. Watch it again. I can't stop talking like this. Women will identify with it, and so will guys who've gone out with Vietnamese girls (and by guys I mean me). 

Her name is Anjelah Johnson. She joined the cast of Mad TV this season, but don't hold it against her. She's funny, she also happens to be smoking hot. Have a great weekend, and I dare you to not do this imitation...

British Bachelor Episode 2

All right, my crazed week of jobs is over and now I'm back to normalcy. Unfortunately, with Easter and everything else I didn't get a chance to do my "Lost" thing, but it will come. I was in a better mood for this...and then the Lakers choked away an 8 point lead and have gone into overtime, so I have to do some flipping back and forth...

I'm a big fan of the second episode because you can start to figure out the quality of the girls and who is actually good looking. For some reason the horrific dresses/alcohol combination don't give you a good sense of how the girls really look in episode 1.

First group date, they go to a "fashion show". The girls dress up and walk the catwalk. Matt says "I've never been to a fashion show". Well, you still haven't.

I don't get why fashion show equals jacked up hair. All of the girls are given crazy Heather from Rock of Love dos. Not good. Marshana, this season's black girl/2nd round dismissal, does a sassy Tyra style strut. She's very bony. A bit of a man, man. Someone was saying that the girls this year are ugos. I have to disagree. There's some potential in this lot. And there needs to be, cause there's nothing worse than when the bachelor is prettier than the girls. I'm looking at you, Andy Baldwin.

CHANNEL FLIP: Warriors tip in, game tied 119 with 20 seconds left.

CHANNEL FLIP: Some girl at the fashion show takes her shirt off, great rack!

CHANNEL FLIP: Lamar Odom layup, Lakers up 2!

CHANNEL FLIP: Two girls play with a double sided dildoe...whoops, accidentally turned it to HBO's "Cathouse".

CHANNEL FLIP: Kobe knocks down 2 free throws, Lakers up 4 with 3 seconds left, it's over.

BACK TO THE BACHELOR FOR GOOD

Marshana asks Matt how he feels about inter racial dating. He says something about it "being different in England". In England they eliminate the black girls on the third show, big distinction there.

Some girl sings for Matt. Is that ever a good idea? Has that ever worked out well? The biggest problem with it is, what's the person you're singing to supposed to do while you're singing? All that person can do is look uncomfortable, which is what Matt does.

Ashlee is 22 and also a singer. There's no way around this: she is smoking hot. She confused us with her own singing in episode 1, but after spending some time with her, damn. Too bad about the 22 thing. And the singing thing. And the "from Florida" thing. And the "on the bachelor" thing. That's kind of a lot of things. But men often overlook a lot of things for hot.

She uses the line, "I've been staring at your lips all day". Matt pauses for about 30 seconds, and almost reluctantly kisses her. I mean, a girl says that to you and you don't kiss her, you're an asshole. It's a way to lean in without leaning in. Crafty beyotches.

Matt gives her an early rose, and Ashlee is openly cocky about it. It's actually pretty funny, she does a little touchdown dance. Marshana is pissed. She wanted to be the one to do the cabbage patch.

Afterwards, the girls predictably hate on Ashlee for being too young. Gee, I can't believe the girls don't like the young hot girl who got the rose.

2nd group date. They go to Vegas. Each girl gets a thousand bucks and a half hour, whoever wins the most gets alone time with Matt at the end of the night.

One girl doesn't bet, it's confusing as to why. Lorenzo Lamas' daughter puts all of it on red and loses. Wesley Snipes' daughter always bets on black.

Kelly from San Diego won. She's the Cameron Diaz meets Kate Hudson plus a lifetime of smoking and drinking girl.

Seriously, her voice sounds like she's 2 weeks from having a hole in her trachea.

Lamas freaks out about having to share Matt with the other girls. Matt is turned off. He doesn't like the drama, but says Lamas might be "above his level of attractiveness". I'm ashamed to admit that I immediately and vehemently disagree with that statement.

Chelsea gets some alone time. She repeatedly says that she does "a lot of great things" and has no one to share them with. What are these great things? She may be referring to the things on her chest.

She says she's "as stubborn as a rock". Matt quickly gets up and leaves, "that's it, I'm sorry". And Chelsea thinks that he's being serious for a second. I love this man.

Perfect example of what I'm talking about with episode 2: I didn't even recognize my favorite from the first episode, the hot dog vendor Erin S. She gets some alone time. She looks like Scarlett Johanssen's older sister who sells hot dogs.

Matt gives Chelsea the rose. I guess Matt likes her "great things".

Back at the house, they have another party before the rose ceremony. Once again, Matt arrives and the girls give him a standing ovation. This is crazy. You know what it is? He's a woman's perfect man, he's a straight Rupert Everett.

Matt makes out with one of the girls Robin, and it's a pretty good make out. The other girls find out, and usually they hate that, but with Matt it's like "well, what are you gonna do?" Marshana slow dances with him, but they don't kiss only because everyone is watching them. Then some crazy ass bitch (Carri) sings opera. And as unattractive as regular singing is, opera is a thousand times more ugly.

After this, another girl says "I guess I'm gonna sing for Matt since everyone else is". No! That's not a good reason! That's the reason not to do it. Jesus.

Lamas apologizes about freaking out. And I have to admit, she is darn pretty. Say what you want about the Lamas acting genes, the pretty genes are fully intact. Unfortunately she is still a Lamas.

Marshana gives Matt a lap dance. I don't think that's the first time she's done that.

Matt does the soldja boy dance! That is definitely the first time he's done that.

ROSE CEREMONY

ROBIN is in. That's the girl who wouldn't gamble and he did the good makeout with.

HOLLY is in. Who? I don't know.

ERIN S. gets a rose. Get your hot dogs here! Red hot, hot dogs!

AMANDA is in, she's the nervous hiccup girl, and evidently the one who taught him the soldja boy dance.

KELLY gets a rose, but she'd rather have a cigarette for her exposed trachea.

AMY is in and I have never seen her before.

CHRISTINE is another blonde girl with not much face time this episode, but she's in.

MARSHANA makes it another round, cause that's how they do it in the U.K.

NOELLE gets a rose. She's a bit of a plain jane, but I think she has a sneaky good body.

Final rose time...who will get it? Lamas? Opera girl? The nice rack chick?

It's LAMAS. See? Hotness always overcomes crazy. Sad but true.

Opera girl says "I guess I'm just not what Matt is looking for". Yeah, it had nothing to do with the opera singing at all.

A red headed girl tearfully talks about her cat and how its "the love of my life at the moment". That's the saddest thing I've ever heard. Hey, crazy red head lady? Maybe if you'd stop crying about your cat for two seconds, a man might want to have sex with you.

And with that, I'm going to bed. Goodnight.

(during the credits, Chelsea shows off her freaky double jointedness. I can't explain how gross it is, but I think we have our explanation for the "great things" she does)

It's Sort of a "Lost" Season Finale Tonight

I'm just saying.

This is episode 8 of this first run of season 4 episodes. We will have to wait for the second half of the season, which is actually just 5 episodes because of the strike. I'm not sure when those five will start. But I can pretty much guarantee tonight that we will get a couple of okay answers, and about a thousand heart wrenching questions that will bum us out until the new episodes come on.

I've kind of been waiting for this first 8 to run before assessing, so there will be some shit to discuss tomorrow.

Can You Tell The Difference?

Making it easier - one of their last names is Fisher and the other is Fischer.

The British Bachelor: Episode 1

Ugh. It's been a rough day. After a long unemployment, I suddenly have 5 jobs. I've been running around Los Angeles all day trying to be "hilarious" on command. And now I'm just getting home and I realize that my day is not over. I still have to do my original job: that of bachelor boy.

I feel like Kobe Bryant, when he had to spend his days on trial for rape and then fly to basketball games at night. It's just like that, except without all the rape accusations. Now I've flown back to play in my game, the thing I truly love, the Bachelor. So let's get it started.

Aw, episode 1. The first episode of The Bachelor is like New Years day. Everybody gets a clean slate. There are a million possibilities. Virgins? Married old broads? Sprained ankle manipulations? But you know at the end of the year you won't see an engagement and you'll feel a bit empty inside. Did that get too personal and creepy? I'm sorry. Let's move on...

Good to see ABC is going back to their standard 9:32pm start time for the show. That's easy to remember.

The new bachelor is named Matt and he's from London. And before I say this next thing let me remind you once again, I am a staunch heterosexual. But this guy sure is a dreamy tall drink of water, isn't he? I hate myself.

Chris Harrison isn't that excited about how sexy he is, but he is very stoked about him being "international". He also "digs the accent". He tells the bachelor this in front of a roaring fireplace. Pretty soon Chris may pay him his highest compliment by declaring him to be "the most English bachelor ever!"

Let's meet the girls...

AMANDA R. - 27, an account executive from Florida. She's a brunette and pretty cute. And even better, we now know there's going to be multiple Amandas!

AMY - 22, a blonde nanny. She seems very in love with herself, and very young...which she is.

DEVON, 24, a makeup artist from Texas. She is pretty hot, but she doesn't skimp on the makeup and I don't know if I'd call her an artist.

KRISTINE, 32!, a personal trainer from Charlotte. She's pretty. Too bad her vagina is filled with dust, the poor ole' bag.

CHELSEA, 24, she's in the world famous "pharmaceutical sales" business. She's a bit of a man, man! And an admitted drug dealer.

ERIN H., 25, an event planner, aka unemployed. Even better, we now know there's going to be multiple Erin's!

KELLY, 24, "medical sales". She's from San Diego, and looks like a cross between Cameron Diaz and Kate Hudson. But not an actress, a drug dealer.

REBECCA, 30!, she's a lawyer with short black hair. She's not that cute, but props to her for having a real job.

DENISE, 30!, listed as "a former Bush aide". And to prove this is true, she's not cute. Thus showing that they hired her because of her former job and not because of attractiveness.

ERIN S., 33!!!, a "hot dog vendor", and I'm not kidding. Despite her age and most likely brittle hips, she would get my "first look rose" just because she showed some personality - she acted like they were in a bar and he was just one of a bunch of dudes. But we need to find out what that wiener thing is all about.

ROBIN, 22, an advertising coordinator. She might be cute, but it's hard to tell because she's wearing a horrific dress.

ASHLEE, 22, a singer/songwriter from Florida. Yeah, she's a waitress at Hooters for sure. The only song she's writing is about the buffalo wing specials.

ALYSSA, 24, a biology student. Also, a horrible dress, but she is showing her bombs. Good for her, you gotta use what ya got, the man is a stud!

MICHELLE P., 28, an assistant from Syracuse. You can tell immediately that he doesn't find her attractive in the least.

SHAYNE, 22, a blonde actress from LA. And by actress she means she fucks on camera.

MARSHANA, 27, the black girl. She's a fashion designer from New York and is wearing a ridiculous outfit and has one of those things on her forehead. Sweetie, you're already starting with two strikes on you, don't you even wanna give yourself a chance?

AMANDA P., 26, a law student in Vegas. She looks like she's 12.

TAMARA, 23, a cocktail waitress in LA. She also has short black hair, and is kinda cute.

HOLLY, 25, a children's book author. Wait, a children's book author or a children's book reader?

TIFFANY, 33!!!, she's in real estate. She gives away her age by telling him he "looks sharp".

I feel like there's been some sort of switch here, suddenly the bachelor is telling us these girls real age and admitting they're from Los Angeles.

CARRI, 25, she's in church marketing and from Oklahoma. Virgin alert.

STACEY, 26, a graduate student. She's blonde, very blonde. She's either on drugs or retarded, maybe both. I think she's pursuing her masters in blowing guys on reality shows.

LESLEY, 23, youth minister. She is not even close to being cute and he immediately tells her to go in the other room. Virgin alert #2.

MICHELE R., 33!!!, interior designer. She has strange, multi colored hair.

NOELLE, 26, a photographer. She actually might be older than this. I like her though.

And that's it. Matt is pretty smooth. I'm not sure about this group of girls so far. The older ones seem better, maybe I'm just maturing. Naw, that's impossible.

So now is the part where he goes inside and talks to all of them while they get super drunk. Matt walks into the room and the girls give him a standing ovation. Yeah, this is a great way to find a wife.

Matt demonstrates his American accent, and for some reason he sounds like a cross between Richard Simmons and Nathan Lane.

The man, man! challenges Matt to an arm wrestling match. Can I spot them or what? Matt says "I only arm wrestle women. Pregnant women, mostly". Ah, the dry British sense of humor.

What a shock! The "worked for Bush" chick immediately mentions it to Matt. A) that's not cool, B) you're not cool.

Okay, then it turns into a full on talent competition. This same thing happened last year. The producers must push for this, and it's lame. Is there any reality show I can turn to for some reality? Is that so much to ask? Yes, yes it is.

Some girl claims to be a "rock, paper, scissors champion". That's awesome compared to the unfortunate "singer/songwriter" girl. She busts out her guitar to sing the song she wrote for him. Remember when that chick sang the national anthem? I long for those days.

Amanda R. has chronic hiccups. Hey, I'd rather listen to that than anymore singer/songwriters.

A girl plays the clarinet. Unfortunate. God, can't they just get them really drunk like they used to? I don't need an America's Whores Got Talent.

Going to commercial, Chris Harrison says coming up, "the wildest party in Bachelor history!"

The retarded girl - Stacey - gets way drunk. Once again reminding us: never mix alcohol and retard. She tells Matt that she wants to find "a pharmaceutical that could cure something that no one's ever heard of".

While he's talking to my pick for the first rose, Stacey stuffs her undies in his pocket. Matt interviews "I don't care what country you're from, that is not cool". Actually, in our country it is cool if the girl is hot and not drunktarded. That's right, drunktarded, I give you permission to use it. Suck on that, Diablo Cody!

Later, Stacey passes out on a bed. Wow, this is the wildest party ever.

Matt gets some alone time with Shayne, the actress. She reveals that her father is, yes, Lorenzo Lamas! Oh, this is good. I think I actually remember her from the acclaimed Lamas reality show. I hate that I know that. The good news is, Shayne can probably help Matt out with any "Falcon Crest" questions he may have.

Just a side question: isn't it weird to ask a guy from London who is in America if he travels?

Well, Matt gave the first impression rose to the girl with the hiccups. He doesn't know about the hiccups...yet. By the way, she was the very first girl out of the limo. Also, I don't get why the first impression rose wasn't given out after the first impression. He handed out right before the final rose ceremony, doesn't that miss the point?

Okay, early entry for greatest teaser of the season:

Chris Harrison: "Who will get a rose? And whose dream of marrying an English gentleman will be crushed forever?"

ROSE CEREMONY

CHELSEA - the man, man! What the hell? I guess he likes arm wrestling contests.

SHAYNE - he loves him some Lamas...or maybe he's just a fan of "Grease".

MICHELLE P. - yikes. I don't get it.

MARSHANA - the black girl gets the standard second round treatment. Hey, know what I just realized? No asian girls! Racist bastards.

ASHLEE - the singer/songwriter. This guy is a glutton for punishment.

NOELLE - she's an older lady...and might have fake boobies.

ERIN S. - that's my girl.

AMY - don't really remember her. She's sorta blonde, could be a dark horse.

CARRIE - one of the possible virgins is in.

CHRISTINE - I like her, she's pretty. But her vagina might be filled with cobwebs as she is in her thirties.

ROBIN - overcomes the bad dress and the dumb "do you travel" question.

KELLY - she's the Cameron Diaz/Kate Hudson hybrid, and very hot and slutty. She's slotty.

HOLLY - yet another blonde. Smart move with the cleavage, girl.

ERIN H. - she's lame.

Notables who didn't make it: the drunktard, the George Bush girl, and Devon the heavily made up blonde.

I'm so tired. It's sleepy time. Buy the Danity Kane album tomorrow...I'm gay.

Tom Has a Gay Old Time

Oh, Tom.

My question is: who was saving people from car accidents while you were doing this?

Whores Are in the News

I was thinking about this whole hooker situation. And it's really strange that prostitution is illegal. The biggest reason that it is strange is that:

Porn is legal.

All right...what? Prostitution is illegal. Porn is legal. In both situations, women get paid to have sex. The only difference is that one is filmed and sold to the public. And that's the one that's legal!

So if Eliot Spitzer would've had a camera in the room, he would've been okay? What's the exact law there? "Yeah, I paid her to have sex...but we got the whole thing on tape and we promise to show it to people."

This guy used to be a big shot lawyer, should've used the porn defense.

Quick "Lost" Note

I'm writing this before watching tonight's episode...

If Ben's "guy" on the boat, isn't Michael...what the fuck? That means that this show isn't just messing with our heads in the million different ways they normally do, but also with the opening credits!

Harold Perrineau's name has been in the opening credits for every episode this season, yet he has not appeared in any of them. He has to be the guy, right? But then I over think these things and start wondering: they know the credits give stuff away, so maybe they're just trying to throw us off. They want the surprises to be, you know, surprising. Or maybe their way to throw us off is to put his name on every episode so we keep thinking this is going to be the episode.

It's so crazy to think a show would go that far to fuck with people, but this is "Lost". They are very good with mind fucks. But I guess another question is: is there something with actors contracts where they have to be in the credits? Cause they did that with Fisher Stevens too. His name showed up in some episodes that he wasn't in this year.

However, Ian Somerhalder was on some episodes after he died (in flashbacks) and yet his name wasn't on every show.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe I should do something crazy and just watch it tonight....but if Michael isn't the guy, then I'm convinced they did this credits thing to fuck with me.

And I respect that.

The Bachelor : Where Are They Now?

I'm a little embarrassed to say that I'm pretty excited for this. Especially when it begins with Chris Harrison telling us that America will vote for "what is the most dramatic moment in Bachelor history?" (my prediction: Brad choosing himself).

First, they're gonna talk to Brad. Actually, they're not. Harrison says "after saying so no to two women, Brad has also said no to us". Heh. Nothing like kicking off your big "where are they now" special with an admission that you couldn't land the person we want to see. You think the folks on "Rock of Love" or "Tila Tequila" ever turn down an invitation to be on TV? The Bachelor has integrity, people.

So the real first person is Jenni. And what a shock, she's "better than ever!" She's engaged! To a dude she was going out with before she did the show! That's a little suspect. She says they plan on having three kids, two boys and one girl. She not only has total control of her dance moves during timeouts, she also has control of her ovaries. Impressive.

Okay, it's DeAnna time. And we have to watch the uncomfortable moment where Brad dumped her...for the 100th time. She talks about it...and she's still visibly pissed! But she's fine, and yes, she is going to be the bachelorette. And no, I am not going to be on it. I know I said I would, but I have a job, folks. And also, self respect.

Next we revisit Aaron, definitely in the bottom rung of Bachelors - probably bottom three with Byron and Alex. He kinda sucked. And to prove it, he's now putting too much gel in his hair and wearing butterfly collars.

Alex is "still single". I guess they don't count life partners.

Jesse Palmer is "still playing the field". Yeah, but not the football field.

Travis is also still single, and supposedly on a "medical talk show" (this will be the first of many people said to be working on TV shows I've never heard of).

Andrew Firestone is "off the market". I actually was on a plane with him and his fiance once. They're pretty.

Then there is Bachelor Bob. He says he has his own show. Uh, what show is that exactly? Regardless, he married that chick from "All My Children" who is very hot. Maybe girls do like guys with a sense of humor.

Remember Trish? Short brown hair, nice body, huge bitch. She was really the trail blazer for "I'm not here to make friends" girls everywhere. She's engaged to a bald guy who looks like a superhero. Apparently they don't have TVs in his fortress of solitude.

Oh Erica, the "heiress". She has started a tiara business. Not kidding.

Okay, this next part is hilarious. They zip through some of the girls from the past who have cried. First they do Bevin. All they show is her looking at a wedding dress and Harrison says:

"Bevin, who cried over Bachelor Andy...might be getting engaged". And then they move on! What the hell? Yeah, she might be getting engaged, according to her. I don't think anyone else is falling for that sprained ankle trick.

Ugh, I'm so bummed. They only spend 2 seconds on Moanna (which is a major reason I'm watching this). She's engaged to some dude, and looking really, really good. More, Moanna!

Next is Brooke, who is actually very good looking (she was on season 2 with Aaron). She has big news, she's married...to a goof! What the hell is going on? Her husband is the biggest dork I've ever seen. I'm so confused. Wait, I'm going to take a picture off my TV just to show you...


Man, girls really like bangs. I just didn't know it was guys with bangs.

Heather from Texas was on the show TWICE. It was the Aaron and Byron seasons, talk about a rough draw. She's married now. Thank God. Now she does rodeo reporting in really bad outfits.

I didn't remember Christi until I saw her and then all the memories came flooding back. She was the fatal attraction girl, who practically invented the "I'm in love after two days" character. She lives in Idaho with the love of her life: her dog. Yeah, she's that girl.

Kristen was a cute blonde, who was punished on the show because she had the nerve to have a personality and a sense of humor. She put an orange peel in her mouth as fake teeth and freaked Travis out. Now she looks amazing and she's married to a guy who appreciates a funny girl. And who looks exactly like Jimmy Connors.

After the commercial, it's Trista and Ryan time. I could care less about these two. Couldn't they have devoted this time to finding out if all the virgin girls are still virgins?

America has chosen...Byron's proposal to Mary is the Bachelor's "most romantic moment". What about Mary's arrest for punching Byron in the face? Cause that gets my vote as the most awesomest moment. I wish they would do, "Where is Mary now? We tracked her down at the Everglades Correctional Facility!"

The "most dramatic moment ever" award goes to...every single moment on the show, according to Chris Harrison's ballot. But America chooses Andy's rejection of Peyton. I barely remember that. How could it not be the "rotting ovaries" girl? America is dumb.

Oooh, now it's America's least favorite Bachelor? The nominees are Alex (the first one), Jesse Palmer, Byron, CHARLIE O'CONNELL, Lorenzo, or Brad? Shockingly, it's Prince Lorenzo. People, did you not see Charlie O'Connell's name on this list? I put it in all caps and everything!

Best bachelor: nominees Andrew Firestone, Aaron, Bob, Byron, Travis, or Andy? Andy Baldwin wins. Whatever. This is why our presidential elections and American Idol are stupid.

I like how there was no mention of the Charlie O'Connell year (other than him being nominated as the worst bachelor). Oh Bachelor, you can't hide your secret shame from me.

They preview the upcoming season, and Harrison says, you guessed it, "it might just be our best Bachelor season ever!" Let's hope so.

My Dream of a Segway Society

I live near the third street promenade. And by near it, I mean I can walk to it...but it's a long ass walk. It's definitely not close enough where I feel like an LA asshole for driving. It's a hike. I usually walk down there on the weekend, get a Berry Lime Sublime with protein boost from Jamba Juice, and walk back. And every time I'm headed back to my apartment, I get tired and start dreaming of sinking into my couch for the next 3 hours. A couple more blocks pass. And that's when I start dreaming of having a Segway so I never have to walk it again.

This happens every time. And still, I have no Segway. Why? Do I have not have a place to store it? No, I have a garage. Is it because of the price? No, I could manage it. Is it because no one else in Santa Monica has one and I would look like a ginormous tool? Bingo.


I wish I could be a trail blazer, but Handleman's are not known for their Lewis and Clark like spirit. I wish I could not care what strangers think of me, but that is all I care about. I wish that I could be strong, but I am a huge pussy.

Please do not think this is some made up thing in my head. This is from actual Segway experience. You see, my dad has one. And I've ridden it many times in San Diego. Guess what happens? People yell things at me while I ride. Actually, they yell one consistently thing at me. And that thing is this:

"Where's your helmet, Gob?!"


This is followed by hysterical laughter.

I can't stand up to that! I'd much rather walk alone and undisturbed on my old, soon to be 32 year old legs, than be under the hot glare of the media spotlight. I just can't take that kind of attention. I'd break down faster than you can say Adnan Ghalib.

But let's take the focus off me, and put the blame on who really deserves it: you.

Do you not understand how cool Segways are? Have you not heard of them? Don't you know that they are not only fun but also friendly to the environment? I know you're not pussies like me. I know you're willing to be bold. I've seen the clothes you wear. The people you go out with. The bangs you have. You're not shy about any of that embarrassing stuff!


So please, people, get a Segway and ride it on the streets of Santa Monica. And then, I will very quietly and very anonymously follow your lead. Maybe we can even share a Berry Lime Sublime with Protein boost together on our Segways!

Thank you, and happy riding!

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose!!!

(this is lifted from deadlinehollywooddaily.com)

EXCLUSIVE: NBC Picking Up 'Friday Night Lights' After Partnering With DirecTV

This is great news to that small but passionate audience for the best TV series you're not watching. I'm told that Jeff Zucker, Marc Graboff and Ben Silverman had been searching for a way to renew the critically acclaimed but low-rated Friday Night Lights for a 3rd season so that it would still make financial sense. The answer came in a deal with DirecTV, now owned by John Malone's Liberty Media.

Clearly Malone is looking to distinguish DirecTV from its rivals on a content as well as price basis. "It's an innovative deal where NBC found a partner who will share costs and exhibition windows," an insider explained to me. So both NBC and DirecTV will be airing Friday Night Lights across multipurpose platforms.

I'm a big fan of the hour-long high school football drama (which is really about horny teens and their hornswoggled parents) so I say hooray. NBC aired the last completed episode of Friday Night Lights on February 8th, but until now there's been no word on the show's clouded future. I can report that the third season is saved. Even though it usually ends up last in its time slot, the show does OK in the 18-to-49 demos and often wins the 18-to-34 demos.

But FNL's Season One only averaged 6.1 million viewers a week, making it something like the 95th-highest rated show on network primetime TV, and Season Two averaged 6.2 million viewers a week but still came in at 101th.

I can't say whether the fans' campaign to save the show by sending all those mini- footballs to NBC bigwigs worked the magic. But I do know the execs got them. Plus, the NBC suits knew that since the network is airing crap like that remake of Knight Rider (and shame on TV viewers for giving it good ratings), then they needed quality like FNL.


Now they just need to bring my girl Carlotta back...

The Pitch

I pitched a show today to a network. It was horrible. Actually, it went well, but every other part of it was horrible. I'm not big on pitching. One of the reasons I got into writing is so I wouldn't have to interact with people. I'm what doctors like to call "socially awkward". I'm a big fan of retreating into a shell and acting stand off-ish...not a good quality when trying to sell a hilarious premise.

I really don't understand why these companies would want to buy something based on a pitch. A lot of people can tell a good story, or have a great idea, but writing a killer script is a completely different ballgame.

I've been nervous all week. There's been a giant pit in my stomach 24/7, and most of it had nothing to do with the dinner I had at El Cholo. And it's not even that big of deal, in fact, if I were told I was pitching this thing 5 minutes from now I'd be fine. But this wait. My God. I was supposed to pitch it before the strike, so I've literally had 4 months to think about this. The thinking about it is the worst part.

So it finally happened and it was fine. Nothing to worry about. But the nervousness never goes away. I was thinking about it last night, and remembering a Seinfeld episode where Jerry and George go to pitch their sitcom to NBC. And I was thinking how I felt just like George when he says, "they're men in suits, Jerry! They have wives and secretaries!"

And then as I was about to go to sleep I flipped the channels around and there was that very same Seinfeld episode!!! I freaked out. It must be some kind of sign. What a sad sign it is, cause I think the universe is telling me that I'm a Costanza. I just thank the Lord that my mom hasn't caught me masturbating...yet.

Anyway, here's part of that episode as Jerry and George are waiting to pitch:

JERRY: (To himself) Salsa, seltzer. Hey, excuse me, you got any salsa? No, not selzer, salsa. (George doesn't react) What's the matter?

GEORGE: (Nervous) Nothing.

JERRY: You sure? You look a little pale.

GEORGE: No, I'm fine. I'm good. I'm very good.

JERRY: What, are you nervous?

GEORGE: No, not nervous. I'm good, very good. (A beat, then he snaps) I can't do this! Can't do this!

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: I can't do this! I can't do it. I have tried. I'm here. It's impossible.

JERRY: This was your idea!

GEORGE: What idea? I just said something. I didn't know you were going to listen to me.

JERRY: Dont' worry about it. They're just TV executives.

GEORGE: They're men with jobs, Jerry! They wear suits and ties. They're married, they have secretaries.

JERRY: I told you not to come.

GEORGE: I need some water. I gotta get some water.

JERRY: They'll give us water in there.

GEORGE: Really? That's pretty good.

RECEPTIONIST: They're ready for you.

GEORGE: Okay, okay. Look, you do all the talking, okay?

JERRY: Relax. Who are they?

GEORGE: Yeah, they're not better than me.

JERRY: Course not.

GEORGE: Who are they?

JERRY: They're nobody.

GEORGE: What about me?

JERRY: What about you?

GEORGE: Why them? Why not me?

JERRY: Why not you?

GEORGE: I'm as good as them.

JERRY: Better.

GEORGE: You really think so?

JERRY: No.

"Will You Be My Bambina?"

"THAT'S AMORE" - mtv

So this is what it has come to? I guess technically this is "The Bachelor’s fault. But that’s like saying “I Love Lucy” is responsible for “According to Jim”. They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and I'm not saying that I haven't been a fan of these knock offs. In fact, let’s be clear about this: the world needed “Flavor of Love”. I personally had been calling for a black bachelor for years.

But that wrought “I Love New York”, and then “Rock of Love”. Okay, hoochie mamas and wig wearing "rock stars" and the people who love them are funny, I get it. I'm good with these.

Then came Tila Tequila. Well, she’s a minor celebrity of some sort, and there was the bi sexual twist thingy. Plus, there were cool hair pulling fights, which I enjoy.

But unfortunately, each imitation gets paler and paler, and now what we are left with is “That’s Amore”. It “stars” Domenico, the fake Italian contestant from Tila. Really, mtv?

The only thing that makes me feel better about it is that it feels like an out and out spoof. It’s the Naked Gun of Bachelor shows. How else to explain these women wrestling in a giant ring of spaghetti and meatballs for a little dweeby guy with a fake Italian accent?

As Jerry Seinfeld would say, "who are these people?"

The second only thing that makes me feel better is that the girls are ugly. But that odd “Rock of Love” type of ugly where they think they’re hot. Ladies, just because look at your boobs doesn’t mean your hot. Guys will look at any boobs. We’re not boob discriminatory. If you’re showing boob we will take a peak just to observe, doesn’t even mean we like them, we just like to see what’s going on down there.

I am troubled by many things in America right now: the economy, our foreign policy, sub prime mortgages, but I don't think that there's anything more grave than an ugly women with fake boobs claiming pretty.

My favorite part of the show is the fact that this loser has absolutely no “hook”, other than the fact that he’s fake Italian. So EVERYTHING they do involves Italy.

The house is swathed in red, white, and green light. The interview scenes are done in some kind of odd Italian bistro with Italian sausages hanging down.

Domenico’s trademark is a speedo that is red, green, and white and says “That’s Amore” on it. And did mention that the show is called "That's Amore"?

And at the end, Domenic doesn't hand out roses he hands out...Italian flags! Who are the ad wizards who came up with that one?

But this leads to my favorite part of the show...The Bachelor has “will you accept this rose?”, Flav has “you know what time it is”, Bret Michaels has “will you continue to rock my world?”, Tila has the ever inspired “are you interested?”, but Domenico has, “will you be my bambina?”

Sadly, one of the girls he eliminated last night was Hunter, one of the only interesting ones. She was shunned by the other girls because when they were in their requisite bikinis, they discovered she wasn't properly shaved down in her, uh, nether regions.

So Domenico eliminated the girl who didn't shave her privates...told you he wasn't really from Italy.