10:08pm start time. Nice. Either ABC thinks there isn't an hours worth of entertainment here, or Pamie is getting wordy again with her "Samanta Who?" scripts. Knowing Pamie's writing as I do, I'm gonna go with the latter.
Before we begin the proceedings, and since I have 6 minutes less to do this week, please allow me a completely off topic rant:
Just got done with another needless 12 hour day at work, and I'm sick of the powers at be at my office thinking they're doing me a favor by "bringing in lunch". Yeah, thanks for saving me 7 bucks, but I think I'd rather go outside and not work for 2 fucking minutes and eat in peace. Also, I wouldn't mind eating food that I ACTUALLY ENJOY. I know that sounds crazy, but no I don't like the cold chicken parm sitting in our fly infested lobby. Actually, I don't even like hot chicken parm in sterile environments. I don't want chicken and parm coexisting ever! So screw you!
Okay, I feel better now. Let's get to the good stuff...
In the opening, Chris Harrison uses the term "sexy" again. Somewhere, Brad is jealous.
First date in Barbados is with Lamas. She wears a giant floppy hat on the beach. Of course she does. They go jet skiing. I love how British people use the word "brilliant" a lot. I think I'm gonna start doing that. The word "brilliant" makes up 70 percent of Ricky Gervais' comedy.
Later, they go to dinner and Matt asks Lamas about her acting. What happens when she has to make out with Brad Pitt in a movie? She explains that you don't use tongue when you movie kiss. She also explains that you have to be able to get parts in movies to movie kiss.
Lamas tells Matt that she's falling in love with him. Matt says he's falling for her as well. They TV kiss. Matt throws out the fantasy suite card, though the power of it has been sucked away by the preemptive fantasy suite 3 episodes ago. She accepts. Of course she does.
They go in the hot tub and make out some more.
Next up is Amanda. What happened to those nervous hiccups? They've completely gone away, right? Was that just early show shtick? We don't know, but I'd love to see her bust those out at the rose ceremony in the finale. They go zip lining through the jungle. Poor Amanda. First, she has the "fake" parents. Now instead of the beach, she has to risk her life in a jungle. She must feel like she's playing against the Lakers with Tim Donaghy refereeing and he's got the Lakers. Only the Lakers are Lamas.
They have dinner on the beach. Amanda tries to express herself but has trouble. She says "like" like, a lot. Matt breaks out the fantasy suite card. By the way, it's so obvious during this dinner that he and Amanda are not on the same level as him and Lamas. It's ridiculous. Amanda says, "I was so glad he pulled out the fantasy suite card because I was so nervous that he wasn't going to give it to me". Sweetie, that has never happened. Why? Cause guys like fantasy suites. And also pussy.
(no teases this week at commercial breaks. why? cut for time. thanks a lot, pamie.)
And finally, Chelsea. Matt says he loves her parents, her mom is "brilliant". They go on a boat together and Matt says things between them are "awkward". Duh. They have been the whole time, that's why I keep predicting you to cut her ass! She complains some more about hand holding. Damn her and her germophobia and extra large shoulders!
They go snorkling and Matt touches a turtle. With Chelsea's germ issues, he's gonna be touching his turtle a lot in the fantasy suite. Matt calls this "the worst date ever".
They go to dinner and Matt lays the smack down. What the hell is wrong with you, lady? Chelsea admits to being weird. It has something to do with the other girls. Translation: the two nights he's spent in the fantasy suite banging the other girls. She wants another chance, and she'll show him how great they can be, etc. Uh, sorry, but this was kinda your chance. Matt is somehow won over by this. Translation: he's not won over, but fuck it, why not hit up the fantasy suite and see what those shoulders look like naked?
Chelsea looks very pretty during this date. They really played up how bad things were earlier. They have to be bullshitting us, right? There's no way he's not picking her. It's a little annoying. On the other hand, there is nothing going on between him and Amanda. Nothing.
Chelsea slips into something more comfortable. And the camera shows her changing into it, including her topless with, as R. Kelly would sing, "those boy shorts on". It's a strange moment. It's like they felt they had to "sell" Chelsea to us, to make it believable that he's gonna pick her.
I think I'm figuring this out. Chelsea is that weird type of girl who has a hard time being on TV with a dude. What's that type of girl called? Oh yeah, normal. I think there's stuff going on between them off camera. That's the only way to explain it.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
It's in Barbados and looks pretty cool. All three girls look really pretty. Amanda looks like she should be on "Days of our Lives" banging Bo Brady.
LAMAS gets the first rose again. He loves the Lamas.
CHELSEA gets the other rose.
No surprise there. Unless of course you're Amanda, who just had sex with him in the fantasy suite. Whoops. I guess that's why they call it the "fantasy" suite.
She's pissed! "I don't understand this, I don't understand what the problem is". Hell yeah. She says, "I thought I found true love with you. Right now I feel like you're a complete douchebag for doing this!". Aw, shit. Good for her. But come on, does she think he's having a bad time with the other girls? You have to be ready for the dumpage a little bit. I guess when you're a pretty girl you're not expecting shit like this to happen to you.
Crying in the limo she says "I really thought we were gonna get married". But it feels edited together weirdly, she might not have said that exactly. How much more pissed is she gonna be when she sees how horrible his date with Chelsea was? Bitch wouldn't even hold his hand! Please let that be said in the "girls tell all".
Goodnight, and pray there isn't lunch brought in tomorrow, I might lose it.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Sunday, April 27, 2008
White Actors Lookalike Too
I watched the movie "Waitress" with Kerri Russell the other night. It's kind of "Juno" before "Juno". They're both about a girl with an unwanted pregnancy. They both have a semi-love interest in Jason Bateman. Except if you look really closely, the guy in "Waitress" isn't actually Jason Bateman.
He just looks freakishly like him.
He just looks freakishly like him.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
At Long Last the "Lost" Post
The second half of season 4 of "Lost" starts on Thursday at 10:00. There were supposed to be 16 episodes in a row, but because of the strike, there were 8 episodes and now 5 more to finish the season. Though it goes against basic logic, many people are happy that there are 3 less episodes. Why? Because maybe it means we can get some FUCKING ANSWERS!
This is a strange show. I can't think of another show in history where more episodes would actually be a bad thing. And I can't think of another show that needed an end point the way this one does. It's kind of amazing that this hasn't happened before. Isn't that what great story telling is - beginning, middle, and end? Yet no show has really cared about that end part, or led us down a path of "how will it end?" I guess that's been the nature of TV forever, just serve up the same pig every week but in different outfits.
Then again, maybe other shows have done it...just not as well. Think about "Quantum Leap". Sam was leaping all around, but remember, he was waiting for "the final leap...home". Jeez, I can still remember the whole opening. But Sam getting home was never all that urgent. And it wasn't so damn interesting that you HAD TO KNOW what was going to happen. The different pig outfit was much more fun and cool than anything else. And it goes to show you how great this island mystery is that we'd rather get answers than see more character based episodes.
That's what the first half of Season 4 was: character based episodes. They were dressing up the pig. It was, for the most part, self contained stories about the characters. Of course it's "Lost", so there were little pieces of thrown to us about what's going on, but mostly it wasn't about that. It was about these people, not the island.
For me, it was simultaneously great television and extremely frustrating. The stories were awesome - in particular the Desmond/Penny and the Jin/Sun episodes, as well as the Sayid story - but the fact is that they dropped these new people onto the island and then just left them there. Simple logic was bugging the shit out of me. Wait a minute, Kate fakes Locke out, kidnaps that Asian guy, and all she wants to know from them is what they know about her?! "Hey, you do know about me. Thanks". Uh, wasn't there some better questions you could've asked?
So I was conflicted. I loved the story, but I was also going "why the hell aren't they putting a gun to these fuckers heads and demanding some answers?" It simply made no sense. For the first time, I could really just see the writers stalling. They can't give away the house right now or else the show is over. They had to find diversions. Diversions are okay - and they were well told diversions to be sure - but not when they interfere with logic. And by dropping those people on the island, certain things should've happened that didn't. Like, I don't know, doing the Sayid torture routine to Faraday. Or maybe asking Ben how he turned Michael out.
This is a strange show. I can't think of another show in history where more episodes would actually be a bad thing. And I can't think of another show that needed an end point the way this one does. It's kind of amazing that this hasn't happened before. Isn't that what great story telling is - beginning, middle, and end? Yet no show has really cared about that end part, or led us down a path of "how will it end?" I guess that's been the nature of TV forever, just serve up the same pig every week but in different outfits.
Then again, maybe other shows have done it...just not as well. Think about "Quantum Leap". Sam was leaping all around, but remember, he was waiting for "the final leap...home". Jeez, I can still remember the whole opening. But Sam getting home was never all that urgent. And it wasn't so damn interesting that you HAD TO KNOW what was going to happen. The different pig outfit was much more fun and cool than anything else. And it goes to show you how great this island mystery is that we'd rather get answers than see more character based episodes.
That's what the first half of Season 4 was: character based episodes. They were dressing up the pig. It was, for the most part, self contained stories about the characters. Of course it's "Lost", so there were little pieces of thrown to us about what's going on, but mostly it wasn't about that. It was about these people, not the island.
For me, it was simultaneously great television and extremely frustrating. The stories were awesome - in particular the Desmond/Penny and the Jin/Sun episodes, as well as the Sayid story - but the fact is that they dropped these new people onto the island and then just left them there. Simple logic was bugging the shit out of me. Wait a minute, Kate fakes Locke out, kidnaps that Asian guy, and all she wants to know from them is what they know about her?! "Hey, you do know about me. Thanks". Uh, wasn't there some better questions you could've asked?
So I was conflicted. I loved the story, but I was also going "why the hell aren't they putting a gun to these fuckers heads and demanding some answers?" It simply made no sense. For the first time, I could really just see the writers stalling. They can't give away the house right now or else the show is over. They had to find diversions. Diversions are okay - and they were well told diversions to be sure - but not when they interfere with logic. And by dropping those people on the island, certain things should've happened that didn't. Like, I don't know, doing the Sayid torture routine to Faraday. Or maybe asking Ben how he turned Michael out.
Season 4 has been a magic trick. It's the old, "look at this so you don't notice this" routine. But I noticed, motherfuckers!
And that's why I'm glad the second half of season 4 got shortened. I'm tired of the stalling. Don't get me wrong, I want all the "Lost" episodes I can get. I love it. But they've set up a situation, and to not have logical action follow from them is hurting it for me. I guess the beautiful thing now is, there is an endpoint now. And the stalling is about to end.
So let's get to it!
Monday, April 21, 2008
British Bachelor: Episode 6 - Now With Extra Lamas
Some people have commented that it feels like things have gone quicker than normal this season and we don't know the girls as well as we normally do at this point. I think it's been the same, but there are two factors for that feeling:
1) This is the episode where we learn the most about the girls because it's all one on one, and
2) None of these girls is a stand out, except for Lamas. Amanda and Noelle? As Seinfeld would say, "who are these people?" Usually there's an "I'm not here to make friends" girl still in the mix, but Robin wasn't cute enough to go any further.
Time to meet the parents...
First up, it's Lamas time. Lamas teaches Matt how to say "Lamas". It's just like the Dalai Lama, only add an "s" and some bad career choices.
Lorenzo meets up with them at a restaurant. Lo has a bit of a "left head", have you noticed that? Do you know what a left head is? With some people you can tell if they're left handed by the way their head is. Not all left handers have left heads, but all left heads belong to left handers. And that concludes your "fun fact" portion of the evening.
Lo tells Matt that his daughter wants to be a star more than she wants to be an actress. He straight up says that she's on the show because she wants to be on TV. Lamas is not happy about that comment, and reasserts that she's there for Matt. And possibly a spot on next season's "Dancing With the Stars". Lo takes Matt aside for some one on one time and says to him, "Damn! I can't believe my daughter thought of being on The Bachelor before I did!"
For some reason after this Lamas gives her pops a hug and cries. Lo takes her face in his hands and says, "you're my big girl, and I love you more than anything, so just follow your heart...". Then he looks off camera and says, "can I get another take? I can do it better, I swear. Greg Berlanti's gonna see this, right?"
Lamas takes Matt to her "mum's" house. It's strange how in England, butt rhymes with mom. Could be some confusion there. Lamas has two little dogs who are shaved in weird ways and wear clothes. How do you say "deal breaker" in England?
We all thought comedy would come from Lorenzo, but Lamas' mom has him beat. Crazy hair. Crazy lips. Crazy eyelashes. Crazy boots. Crazy boobs. Crazy. Aw sweetie, no amount of makeup equals time machine.
Lamas' little sister is a mini me. She's cute. Lamas' mom says "it's not easy being with an actor". What would she know about it? Seriously, what the fuck happened to her face? Who thinks that looks better than normal aging? I don't understand. And just think, this is what she put together for herself for a TV appearance in prime time. Yikes.
Second date is in Colorado with Chelsea, she of the giant shoulders. Her shoulders are so big that even Chelsea Handler is going, "those are some big ass shoulders". I think her "pharmaceutical sales" job title is code for BALCO. Chelsea's parents seem okay. Her dad has an unironic mustache. Nothing interesting happens. Matt and Chelsea makeout. He gives her a shoulder rub and sprains both wrists. That's about it.
Third date is also in Colorado, but with Noelle. We haven't seen much of Noelle, but damn! She suddenly has an unbelievable body! When did that happen? In fact, it's so unbelievable that those boobs have to be fake to make it even proportionally possible. Interesting side note, I've heard that Noelle is actually an actress. For some reason, they're ignoring this and focusing on Lamas as the actress.
Matt and Noelle ride up on horses to meet her family at some sort of outdoor picnic. We get it, producers, they are outdoor conservative backwards folk. Later they have dinner together - Matt, Noelle, her mom, dad, and her two sisters. Matt jokes that his living situation is "flexible. Also, I am able to put my legs over my head". Dude, if I attempted that joke with a girl's family it would go horrible wrong, and probably come out sounding like I was saying I'm able to give myself a blow job.
Her family is pretty cool and they all like him. Also, Noelle is quite cute. She's a true dark horse.
Fourth and final date is in, gasp!, Florida with Amanda. Okay, here's where the show falls apart. I am so in tune with this show that it's scary, remember at the beginning when I said none of these girls were standing out? And Noelle and Amanda were nothings that we didn't know anything about? Well obviously, the producers realized this too. Because they forced Amanda to pull a "prank" on Matt. Instead of introducing him to her parents, they hired actors to play her parents to fuck with him. Or rather, fuck with us.
Can you smell the desperation? This is the kind of shit I expect the Bachelor not to do. I like my reality with a heavy dose of reality. I don't need constant drama, and I know this might sound crazy, but if it's real I actually like it better. That's why I have no place in network television.
This is dumb and I get uncomfortable.
Matt falls for it, I guess, and then Amanda reveals the "prank" and Matt is disappointed that he "got done like that". I can't tell if he really liked it or not. The real parents get about 5 seconds of screen time. Don't they live in a trailer? What happened to that? Would that not have been interesting? I'm so disappointed, I can barely get through the rest of this recap...
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
My prediction: I think "shoulders" is gone (but it could be Amanda but we have no idea because of the stupid fake parents thing).
LAMAS is in. She's the front runner at this point.
AMANDA is in. Guess Matt likes pranks. Back in Florida, her real parents are going, "we're too boring for TV".
CHELSEA gets a rose! Wow! I am genuinely surprised. The man likes his shoulders. Maybe I was just too overly impressed with Noelle's smoking body this episode, while Matt has probably gotten over it by now. I don't know, I just always feel like he's not into Chelsea at all. Wrong again.
Lamas has to win, right? How are they gonna make us think anyone else can take it? Cause you know they will. Let's just hope for no more pranks.
Credits roll as Chelsea tries on a crazy outfit that shows off her, well, you know. I can't make this stuff up.
1) This is the episode where we learn the most about the girls because it's all one on one, and
2) None of these girls is a stand out, except for Lamas. Amanda and Noelle? As Seinfeld would say, "who are these people?" Usually there's an "I'm not here to make friends" girl still in the mix, but Robin wasn't cute enough to go any further.
Time to meet the parents...
First up, it's Lamas time. Lamas teaches Matt how to say "Lamas". It's just like the Dalai Lama, only add an "s" and some bad career choices.
Lorenzo meets up with them at a restaurant. Lo has a bit of a "left head", have you noticed that? Do you know what a left head is? With some people you can tell if they're left handed by the way their head is. Not all left handers have left heads, but all left heads belong to left handers. And that concludes your "fun fact" portion of the evening.
Lo tells Matt that his daughter wants to be a star more than she wants to be an actress. He straight up says that she's on the show because she wants to be on TV. Lamas is not happy about that comment, and reasserts that she's there for Matt. And possibly a spot on next season's "Dancing With the Stars". Lo takes Matt aside for some one on one time and says to him, "Damn! I can't believe my daughter thought of being on The Bachelor before I did!"
For some reason after this Lamas gives her pops a hug and cries. Lo takes her face in his hands and says, "you're my big girl, and I love you more than anything, so just follow your heart...". Then he looks off camera and says, "can I get another take? I can do it better, I swear. Greg Berlanti's gonna see this, right?"
Lamas takes Matt to her "mum's" house. It's strange how in England, butt rhymes with mom. Could be some confusion there. Lamas has two little dogs who are shaved in weird ways and wear clothes. How do you say "deal breaker" in England?
We all thought comedy would come from Lorenzo, but Lamas' mom has him beat. Crazy hair. Crazy lips. Crazy eyelashes. Crazy boots. Crazy boobs. Crazy. Aw sweetie, no amount of makeup equals time machine.
Lamas' little sister is a mini me. She's cute. Lamas' mom says "it's not easy being with an actor". What would she know about it? Seriously, what the fuck happened to her face? Who thinks that looks better than normal aging? I don't understand. And just think, this is what she put together for herself for a TV appearance in prime time. Yikes.
Second date is in Colorado with Chelsea, she of the giant shoulders. Her shoulders are so big that even Chelsea Handler is going, "those are some big ass shoulders". I think her "pharmaceutical sales" job title is code for BALCO. Chelsea's parents seem okay. Her dad has an unironic mustache. Nothing interesting happens. Matt and Chelsea makeout. He gives her a shoulder rub and sprains both wrists. That's about it.
Third date is also in Colorado, but with Noelle. We haven't seen much of Noelle, but damn! She suddenly has an unbelievable body! When did that happen? In fact, it's so unbelievable that those boobs have to be fake to make it even proportionally possible. Interesting side note, I've heard that Noelle is actually an actress. For some reason, they're ignoring this and focusing on Lamas as the actress.
Matt and Noelle ride up on horses to meet her family at some sort of outdoor picnic. We get it, producers, they are outdoor conservative backwards folk. Later they have dinner together - Matt, Noelle, her mom, dad, and her two sisters. Matt jokes that his living situation is "flexible. Also, I am able to put my legs over my head". Dude, if I attempted that joke with a girl's family it would go horrible wrong, and probably come out sounding like I was saying I'm able to give myself a blow job.
Her family is pretty cool and they all like him. Also, Noelle is quite cute. She's a true dark horse.
Fourth and final date is in, gasp!, Florida with Amanda. Okay, here's where the show falls apart. I am so in tune with this show that it's scary, remember at the beginning when I said none of these girls were standing out? And Noelle and Amanda were nothings that we didn't know anything about? Well obviously, the producers realized this too. Because they forced Amanda to pull a "prank" on Matt. Instead of introducing him to her parents, they hired actors to play her parents to fuck with him. Or rather, fuck with us.
Can you smell the desperation? This is the kind of shit I expect the Bachelor not to do. I like my reality with a heavy dose of reality. I don't need constant drama, and I know this might sound crazy, but if it's real I actually like it better. That's why I have no place in network television.
This is dumb and I get uncomfortable.
Matt falls for it, I guess, and then Amanda reveals the "prank" and Matt is disappointed that he "got done like that". I can't tell if he really liked it or not. The real parents get about 5 seconds of screen time. Don't they live in a trailer? What happened to that? Would that not have been interesting? I'm so disappointed, I can barely get through the rest of this recap...
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
My prediction: I think "shoulders" is gone (but it could be Amanda but we have no idea because of the stupid fake parents thing).
LAMAS is in. She's the front runner at this point.
AMANDA is in. Guess Matt likes pranks. Back in Florida, her real parents are going, "we're too boring for TV".
CHELSEA gets a rose! Wow! I am genuinely surprised. The man likes his shoulders. Maybe I was just too overly impressed with Noelle's smoking body this episode, while Matt has probably gotten over it by now. I don't know, I just always feel like he's not into Chelsea at all. Wrong again.
Lamas has to win, right? How are they gonna make us think anyone else can take it? Cause you know they will. Let's just hope for no more pranks.
Credits roll as Chelsea tries on a crazy outfit that shows off her, well, you know. I can't make this stuff up.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
From the Mailbag: Wishbone Update
This question came from reader Valeri:
I was having dinner with a friend of mine the other night and he was commenting on what a picky eater I am and I mentioned you and some blog you had posted months ago about how neuroticImean specific you are about food. So today I was searching your blog so I could send him the post and we could both laugh about how crazy you are when I stumbled on your posts about Wishbone discontinuing the original Italian recipe.
So, I have to know... how did that turn out for you? After spending hundreds of dollars on dressing did you settle on something passable? Or did you drive to ever grocery store in LA county hoarding whatever was left? Just curious...
First of all, I'm glad I can help you bond with your friend by enjoying laughs at my expense. I'm also glad that you are using my food retardness to make your picky eating seem less retarded. Here is the Wishbone update...
As some of you may remember, friends and family joined together in my time of need formed the "Wishbone for Irwin" charity, and through various means found bottles of the original recipe. I had about 10 bottles and 2 giant jugs, and went through it all faster than Carney Wilson goes through stomach bands. My supply was wiped out in about 10 months. It is my hillbilly heroin.
I was out of dressing, and the website that had been selling the original dressing was out too. All was lost...
But then, "Wishbone for Irwin" came through again. It seems that Smart and Final is still selling these giant jugs of the original. So I bought some more. Unfortunately, the jugs are kind of a pain in the ass to deal with. Also, something about the hugeness of them doesn't allow for the same amount of tastiness as in the smaller bottles. I'm no scientist, but I do know that Wishbone Italian is a delicate recipe and should not be served from big containers like some common salad dressing.
However, I'm still using the jugs, but I'm almost through with my current supply and I'm contemplating a switch to Wishbone Italian Robusto - as it came the closest in my lab testing to being the closest match.As we all no though, it's just not the same.
Thanks for asking! I hope the answer and my salad dressing pain will keep you and your friend laughing for days to come.
Irwin Handleman
I was having dinner with a friend of mine the other night and he was commenting on what a picky eater I am and I mentioned you and some blog you had posted months ago about how neuroticImean specific you are about food. So today I was searching your blog so I could send him the post and we could both laugh about how crazy you are when I stumbled on your posts about Wishbone discontinuing the original Italian recipe.
So, I have to know... how did that turn out for you? After spending hundreds of dollars on dressing did you settle on something passable? Or did you drive to ever grocery store in LA county hoarding whatever was left? Just curious...
First of all, I'm glad I can help you bond with your friend by enjoying laughs at my expense. I'm also glad that you are using my food retardness to make your picky eating seem less retarded. Here is the Wishbone update...
As some of you may remember, friends and family joined together in my time of need formed the "Wishbone for Irwin" charity, and through various means found bottles of the original recipe. I had about 10 bottles and 2 giant jugs, and went through it all faster than Carney Wilson goes through stomach bands. My supply was wiped out in about 10 months. It is my hillbilly heroin.
I was out of dressing, and the website that had been selling the original dressing was out too. All was lost...
But then, "Wishbone for Irwin" came through again. It seems that Smart and Final is still selling these giant jugs of the original. So I bought some more. Unfortunately, the jugs are kind of a pain in the ass to deal with. Also, something about the hugeness of them doesn't allow for the same amount of tastiness as in the smaller bottles. I'm no scientist, but I do know that Wishbone Italian is a delicate recipe and should not be served from big containers like some common salad dressing.
However, I'm still using the jugs, but I'm almost through with my current supply and I'm contemplating a switch to Wishbone Italian Robusto - as it came the closest in my lab testing to being the closest match.As we all no though, it's just not the same.
Thanks for asking! I hope the answer and my salad dressing pain will keep you and your friend laughing for days to come.
Irwin Handleman
Monday, April 14, 2008
British Bachelor: Episode 5
Here we go...
There are only 6 girls left. And tonight they will be joining Matt in Sun Valley for some skiing. Lamas immediately tells us that she's a very good skier. But you get the feeling that she means it like how Rain Man means he's a really good driver. Also, Marshana is involved. Black people + skiing = comedy. It's similar to swimming that way. Aw, that's racist.
Chelsea gets a one on one date. She looks very cute in her snow gear. It covers up her man shoulders. We go to a commercial at this point, with the tease "it's the most shocking confrontation in Bachelor history". My mind totally flashes to 5 other most shocking confrontations but I'm too embarrassed that my mind did that to write them down.
Matt and Chelsea go on a horse drawn sled of some sort. Matt wants to find out if there's more than the "best friend thing" that is happening. Chelsea ruins this by saying her pet peeve is PDA (public displays of affection). She's grossed out by hand holding. Maybe she has a germ phobia, like Howard Hughes or my sister.
Back at the house, the next date box arrives. Noelle gets the next one on one, and for some reason Marshana is super excited about it. She reacts like Oprah just gave her a few of her favorite things.
Matt and Chelsea go back to his place for dinner. Chelsea, a savvy Bachelor watcher, sneaks away and writes up her own "fantasy suite" note. Smooth! You gotta love when the girls are two episodes ahead of the producers. Matt accepts - you don't turn down the fantasy suite, people. Especially when it's a preemptive fantasy suite. Chelsea's the George Bush of fantasy suites.
Group date time. They go skiing. Amanda interprets Matt's advice on the slopes as a sign that Matt will be a good dad. Yikes. You hear that? That's the sound of Amanda's biological clock falling out of her va jay jay.
Matt also helps Marshana ski. And folks? It may be racist, but you can't deny the comedy. She goes down multiple times.
Next he hangs with Lamas, who is on her snowboard. She snowboards for awhile and then inexplicably excuses herself to go watch Wapner. Just kidding. Actually, she pulls out a bunch of makeup and reapplies. Damn girl, isn't the whole point of makeup to look good for your man? Well, applying makeup mid snowboard is not cute. In fact, it's lame and tacky, much like most of your father's TV roles.
Robin swooshes in during Lamas' alone time, pissing Lamas off. Robin is quite annoying. She wants to know why she didn't get a one on one date. It's weird. How is she this cocky right now? You know, a study just came out that says that in couples where the woman is more attractive than the man, he is less likely to cheat. Let's just say that if Matt and Robin got together, Matt would be banging everybody but her.
Amanda gets some alone time in a hot tub (how cliche). She reveals that her family is a bunch of rednecks and live in a trailer. Sorry Amanda, a double wide trailer. Matt makes out with her anyway. As my friend Chris would say, he loves the trash.
Matt takes Noelle out for some ice skating. She's a bit of a wild card at this point, I can barely remember ever hearing her speak. She's kind of cute in a mousy way, not a knockout by any means and not my style. We learn that she was in a very bad car crash. Matt is impressed by this - not the accident but her life philosophy on the whole thing. They kiss as America falls asleep.
Back at the house, cat fight! Yes, it's time for the most shocking confrontation ever. And of course it's instigated by Robin. She starts talking shit to Marshana. For some reason, Chelsea joins in with Robin to go after, as Harrison would say, the worst skier in Bachelor history! Chelsea thinks Marshana is a negative person and has been complaining about everything the whole time. Surprisingly, Marshana doesn't take it well and does a lot of funny hand gestures and neck snapping. Oh no you didn't!
Let me take a break from this to say something: isn't it surprising how Lamas is never involved in any of this drama? You would expect her to be the one everyone hates but she isn't. She actually comes off better when she's with the girls. It's totally unexpected and you have to respect it. As the fight heats up, Lamas steps in the middle and tries to pull Marshana back. I have to say, if Harrison thinks this the most shocking confrontation in Bachelor history than he obviously doesn't remember the time Trish came back to surprise Jesse Palmer after she'd been eliminated. Whoops!
Matt and Noelle get close. He seems to like her a lot. Boring. Let's see some more black people skiing!
Marshana gets Matt alone and spills the beans about the "shocking confrontation". I don't know who has bigger guns, Chelsea or Marshana. But they both could kick my ass. Unless we were on skis.
Chelsea interrupts their time together. She gets alone with Matt. He complains about the hand holding thing. She tries to show she's over it by swapping some spit. I'm not sure he's buying it.
Matt and Robin get some alone time. The other girls hate on her for it. Lamas gets pissed after seeing them kiss. Hey, that's understandable. Lamas then explains her awesomeness to Matt, and says he needs to meet her family. I just realized, we might be getting some Lamas Sr. next week! That's fantastic. Remember when he was on that "Are you Hot?" show and used the laser pointer to point out cellulite on perfectly hot girls? What a dick. I am really going to enjoy his awkwardness next week.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
(I'm predicting Lamas, Amanda, Noelle, and Robin)
LAMAS gets the first rose. Lamas Sr. next week!
NOELLE is in.
CHELSEA gets the upset rose. Nice. Her face is very pretty, even though she fears germs like Howard Hughes and possibly pees in bottles and saves it.
AMANDA gets a rose!
Robin is out! The ladies rejoice! I guarantee you Lamas is more excited about Robin leaving than she is moving forward with Matt.
Poor Marshana. But on the bright side, she is the longest lasting black girl in the history of the show. It's so funny cause she goes, "I did everything, I even got in a pool!" Hey, she said it, not me, so it's automatically not racist.
Robin cries. A lot. Ha ha, later.
In the teaser, we get a glimpse of Lamas Sr. His face looks crazy, like his eyebrows have been singed off in some kind of fake tanning accident.
Under the credits, more Marshana ski accident footage. No comment.
There are only 6 girls left. And tonight they will be joining Matt in Sun Valley for some skiing. Lamas immediately tells us that she's a very good skier. But you get the feeling that she means it like how Rain Man means he's a really good driver. Also, Marshana is involved. Black people + skiing = comedy. It's similar to swimming that way. Aw, that's racist.
Chelsea gets a one on one date. She looks very cute in her snow gear. It covers up her man shoulders. We go to a commercial at this point, with the tease "it's the most shocking confrontation in Bachelor history". My mind totally flashes to 5 other most shocking confrontations but I'm too embarrassed that my mind did that to write them down.
Matt and Chelsea go on a horse drawn sled of some sort. Matt wants to find out if there's more than the "best friend thing" that is happening. Chelsea ruins this by saying her pet peeve is PDA (public displays of affection). She's grossed out by hand holding. Maybe she has a germ phobia, like Howard Hughes or my sister.
Back at the house, the next date box arrives. Noelle gets the next one on one, and for some reason Marshana is super excited about it. She reacts like Oprah just gave her a few of her favorite things.
Matt and Chelsea go back to his place for dinner. Chelsea, a savvy Bachelor watcher, sneaks away and writes up her own "fantasy suite" note. Smooth! You gotta love when the girls are two episodes ahead of the producers. Matt accepts - you don't turn down the fantasy suite, people. Especially when it's a preemptive fantasy suite. Chelsea's the George Bush of fantasy suites.
Group date time. They go skiing. Amanda interprets Matt's advice on the slopes as a sign that Matt will be a good dad. Yikes. You hear that? That's the sound of Amanda's biological clock falling out of her va jay jay.
Matt also helps Marshana ski. And folks? It may be racist, but you can't deny the comedy. She goes down multiple times.
Next he hangs with Lamas, who is on her snowboard. She snowboards for awhile and then inexplicably excuses herself to go watch Wapner. Just kidding. Actually, she pulls out a bunch of makeup and reapplies. Damn girl, isn't the whole point of makeup to look good for your man? Well, applying makeup mid snowboard is not cute. In fact, it's lame and tacky, much like most of your father's TV roles.
Robin swooshes in during Lamas' alone time, pissing Lamas off. Robin is quite annoying. She wants to know why she didn't get a one on one date. It's weird. How is she this cocky right now? You know, a study just came out that says that in couples where the woman is more attractive than the man, he is less likely to cheat. Let's just say that if Matt and Robin got together, Matt would be banging everybody but her.
Amanda gets some alone time in a hot tub (how cliche). She reveals that her family is a bunch of rednecks and live in a trailer. Sorry Amanda, a double wide trailer. Matt makes out with her anyway. As my friend Chris would say, he loves the trash.
Matt takes Noelle out for some ice skating. She's a bit of a wild card at this point, I can barely remember ever hearing her speak. She's kind of cute in a mousy way, not a knockout by any means and not my style. We learn that she was in a very bad car crash. Matt is impressed by this - not the accident but her life philosophy on the whole thing. They kiss as America falls asleep.
Back at the house, cat fight! Yes, it's time for the most shocking confrontation ever. And of course it's instigated by Robin. She starts talking shit to Marshana. For some reason, Chelsea joins in with Robin to go after, as Harrison would say, the worst skier in Bachelor history! Chelsea thinks Marshana is a negative person and has been complaining about everything the whole time. Surprisingly, Marshana doesn't take it well and does a lot of funny hand gestures and neck snapping. Oh no you didn't!
Let me take a break from this to say something: isn't it surprising how Lamas is never involved in any of this drama? You would expect her to be the one everyone hates but she isn't. She actually comes off better when she's with the girls. It's totally unexpected and you have to respect it. As the fight heats up, Lamas steps in the middle and tries to pull Marshana back. I have to say, if Harrison thinks this the most shocking confrontation in Bachelor history than he obviously doesn't remember the time Trish came back to surprise Jesse Palmer after she'd been eliminated. Whoops!
Matt and Noelle get close. He seems to like her a lot. Boring. Let's see some more black people skiing!
Marshana gets Matt alone and spills the beans about the "shocking confrontation". I don't know who has bigger guns, Chelsea or Marshana. But they both could kick my ass. Unless we were on skis.
Chelsea interrupts their time together. She gets alone with Matt. He complains about the hand holding thing. She tries to show she's over it by swapping some spit. I'm not sure he's buying it.
Matt and Robin get some alone time. The other girls hate on her for it. Lamas gets pissed after seeing them kiss. Hey, that's understandable. Lamas then explains her awesomeness to Matt, and says he needs to meet her family. I just realized, we might be getting some Lamas Sr. next week! That's fantastic. Remember when he was on that "Are you Hot?" show and used the laser pointer to point out cellulite on perfectly hot girls? What a dick. I am really going to enjoy his awkwardness next week.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
(I'm predicting Lamas, Amanda, Noelle, and Robin)
LAMAS gets the first rose. Lamas Sr. next week!
NOELLE is in.
CHELSEA gets the upset rose. Nice. Her face is very pretty, even though she fears germs like Howard Hughes and possibly pees in bottles and saves it.
AMANDA gets a rose!
Robin is out! The ladies rejoice! I guarantee you Lamas is more excited about Robin leaving than she is moving forward with Matt.
Poor Marshana. But on the bright side, she is the longest lasting black girl in the history of the show. It's so funny cause she goes, "I did everything, I even got in a pool!" Hey, she said it, not me, so it's automatically not racist.
Robin cries. A lot. Ha ha, later.
In the teaser, we get a glimpse of Lamas Sr. His face looks crazy, like his eyebrows have been singed off in some kind of fake tanning accident.
Under the credits, more Marshana ski accident footage. No comment.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
No Ace, You Can Be Mine
I went out in Hollywood last night. First to the restaurant Katana and then to Skybar. For those of you who don't live here and think that Hollywood is filled with pretty white people like LC and Brody and Ashlee Simpson's second face, let me explain something. Hollywood is actually filled with Persians. Lots of Persians. I think after the Shah fell in Iran he came out here and became Mayor of Hollywood.
Anyway, I went out with a group of people - 2 girls, 1 gay guy, and 3 straight guys. One of the girls was young, blonde, cute, and single and ready to mingle. She spent the day at the Mondrian pool (the Mondrian is the hotel where the Skybar is located) and met a "very nice guy" who invited "all of us to a party in the Hills later".
This guy who, shockingly, is nice to cute blonde girls in bikinis also happened to be at Katana. We got there and our table wasn't ready even though we had a reservation (Seinfeld: "you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation...and that's the most important part of reservations"). So we're waiting and waiting and starving, and then THE GUY walks up to blondy.
He is older, metro, with one of those faces where you can't tell if he's overtanned or over surgeried, but probably is both. His hair isn't so much hair, it's a mane. The man not only owns a blow dryer, he most likely keeps one holstered in his belt like some kind of old west Sheriff crusading against split ends. He wore skinny jeans and a blazer, which looked to be made of the same kind of leather as the skin on his face.
He rubs up on blondy, and introduces himself to the rest of us. His name is Ace. Yes, Ace. He asks if we're having a problem getting our table, and then offers his services in speeding up the process. At first I thought he worked there. I mean, why would some random dude going to convince them to get us a table? But no, he didn't work there, this is just how this douche lives his life.
He talks to the hostess and gets nothing done. But soon enough, we get a table and sit down. I spot him talking to our waitress. Minutes later, two bottles of sake are delivered to our table.
Ace comes over. Tells us what he has done for us. We thank him. He recommends his favorite dish at the restaurant - but that it's not on the menu and we have to special order it, as he does. But we should, because it's "exquisite". He says he's with a big group of people inside (we sat outside) but that he'd be back later.
And later, he comes back. This time he brings a friend. A black gentleman with hipster camo pants and very large dog tags around his neck. He is strange. Talks like a white guy, but mostly just says "cool, cool".
Introductions are made around the table. Ace talks to everyone but blondy. He asks us where we live, where we like to go out, mentions that his good friend owns Villa (the hottest hollywood club right now), and that he has a house in the Hills. He seems genuinely interested in us, as does his friend. During this time he doesn't even glance at blondy. Is this guy trying to get with me?
No. Because while this whole thing is happening, I'm just smiling. I know exactly what's going on, and I'm so excited that I got to witness it. I know who these guys are! I know everything they're going to do before they even do it. It's like watching a magic show where you can see the strings and the secret compartments. Of course, when you see a magic show that way, it seems way less magical.
So do you know these guys are?
Have you figured it out?
Ace and his friend are...
Pick Up Artists. Like, the show "The Pick Up Artist" on VH1 and the book by Neil Strauss. They weren't on the show and I've never seen them before in my life, but they were running lines straight out of the Mystery playbook. Check it out:
The fake pickup artist name: Ace. Meanwhile, his friend didn't give his name, which is a rule: don't give your name unless asked. We didn't ask him, though behind his back we called him G.I. Jerome.
"Peackocking" = the hair, the skinny jeans, G.I. Jerome with the faux Army getup.
Establish yourself as the alpha male of the group = Helping us with our table, buying us a round of sake, hooking us up with the party.
Demonstration of higher value = he has a house in the hills and a special party for us to go to. He's best friends with the owner of Villa. He knows special food that isn't on the menu.
His wing man = G.I. Jerome to help him out because we have a big group.
Ignore "The Target" = he acted like he really wanted to get to know us and paid no attention to her, making her think "why is he talking to them and not me?" and "making he's not just hitting on me".
Don't stay too long/I don't need you = telling us he had to go back to his big group of friends is a major pick up artist thing. It shows you have other things going on, and that lets the girl know you're going to leave so she doesn't feel awkward. When he said it that's when I figured it out.
Okay, this made my night. It was so interesting to see that bullshit in action. And it made reading that Neal Strauss book worth it - even though I do feel like a complete loser for knowing everything he was doing.
And guess what? It was as cheesy and lame as I thought it would be.
And guess what else? It worked.
Anyway, I went out with a group of people - 2 girls, 1 gay guy, and 3 straight guys. One of the girls was young, blonde, cute, and single and ready to mingle. She spent the day at the Mondrian pool (the Mondrian is the hotel where the Skybar is located) and met a "very nice guy" who invited "all of us to a party in the Hills later".
This guy who, shockingly, is nice to cute blonde girls in bikinis also happened to be at Katana. We got there and our table wasn't ready even though we had a reservation (Seinfeld: "you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation...and that's the most important part of reservations"). So we're waiting and waiting and starving, and then THE GUY walks up to blondy.
He is older, metro, with one of those faces where you can't tell if he's overtanned or over surgeried, but probably is both. His hair isn't so much hair, it's a mane. The man not only owns a blow dryer, he most likely keeps one holstered in his belt like some kind of old west Sheriff crusading against split ends. He wore skinny jeans and a blazer, which looked to be made of the same kind of leather as the skin on his face.
He rubs up on blondy, and introduces himself to the rest of us. His name is Ace. Yes, Ace. He asks if we're having a problem getting our table, and then offers his services in speeding up the process. At first I thought he worked there. I mean, why would some random dude going to convince them to get us a table? But no, he didn't work there, this is just how this douche lives his life.
He talks to the hostess and gets nothing done. But soon enough, we get a table and sit down. I spot him talking to our waitress. Minutes later, two bottles of sake are delivered to our table.
Ace comes over. Tells us what he has done for us. We thank him. He recommends his favorite dish at the restaurant - but that it's not on the menu and we have to special order it, as he does. But we should, because it's "exquisite". He says he's with a big group of people inside (we sat outside) but that he'd be back later.
And later, he comes back. This time he brings a friend. A black gentleman with hipster camo pants and very large dog tags around his neck. He is strange. Talks like a white guy, but mostly just says "cool, cool".
Introductions are made around the table. Ace talks to everyone but blondy. He asks us where we live, where we like to go out, mentions that his good friend owns Villa (the hottest hollywood club right now), and that he has a house in the Hills. He seems genuinely interested in us, as does his friend. During this time he doesn't even glance at blondy. Is this guy trying to get with me?
No. Because while this whole thing is happening, I'm just smiling. I know exactly what's going on, and I'm so excited that I got to witness it. I know who these guys are! I know everything they're going to do before they even do it. It's like watching a magic show where you can see the strings and the secret compartments. Of course, when you see a magic show that way, it seems way less magical.
So do you know these guys are?
Have you figured it out?
Ace and his friend are...
Pick Up Artists. Like, the show "The Pick Up Artist" on VH1 and the book by Neil Strauss. They weren't on the show and I've never seen them before in my life, but they were running lines straight out of the Mystery playbook. Check it out:
The fake pickup artist name: Ace. Meanwhile, his friend didn't give his name, which is a rule: don't give your name unless asked. We didn't ask him, though behind his back we called him G.I. Jerome.
"Peackocking" = the hair, the skinny jeans, G.I. Jerome with the faux Army getup.
Establish yourself as the alpha male of the group = Helping us with our table, buying us a round of sake, hooking us up with the party.
Demonstration of higher value = he has a house in the hills and a special party for us to go to. He's best friends with the owner of Villa. He knows special food that isn't on the menu.
His wing man = G.I. Jerome to help him out because we have a big group.
Ignore "The Target" = he acted like he really wanted to get to know us and paid no attention to her, making her think "why is he talking to them and not me?" and "making he's not just hitting on me".
Don't stay too long/I don't need you = telling us he had to go back to his big group of friends is a major pick up artist thing. It shows you have other things going on, and that lets the girl know you're going to leave so she doesn't feel awkward. When he said it that's when I figured it out.
Okay, this made my night. It was so interesting to see that bullshit in action. And it made reading that Neal Strauss book worth it - even though I do feel like a complete loser for knowing everything he was doing.
And guess what? It was as cheesy and lame as I thought it would be.
And guess what else? It worked.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Young NBA Players
I love the NBA. And this season has been one of the best in a long time - it helps that the ref aren't fixing games this year. The main reason that the NBA is good again is that there's been an infusion of great young talent over the last couple years. But for some reason I've been unable to keep a lot of these young guys straight. I kept getting confused as to who was who, and which guys were on what team.
I figured I was just getting old. But the other day I decided to figure out who these different guys were so I could stop confusing it. And that's when I realized that it wasn't me, it's their names. A bunch of them have really similar names. Check this out:
This is AL THORNTON of the L.A Clippers...
This is AL HORFORD of the Atlanta Hawks....
I figured I was just getting old. But the other day I decided to figure out who these different guys were so I could stop confusing it. And that's when I realized that it wasn't me, it's their names. A bunch of them have really similar names. Check this out:
This is AL THORNTON of the L.A Clippers...
This is AL HORFORD of the Atlanta Hawks....
This is RUDY GAY of the Memphis Grizzlies...
This is BRANDON ROY of the Portland Trailblazers...
This is RANDY FOYE of the Minnesota Timberwolves...
This is RANDY FOYE of the Minnesota Timberwolves...
This is JOSH SMITH of the Atlanta Hawks...
This is J.R. SMITH of the Denver Nuggets...
This is DERON WILLIAMS of the Utah Jazz...
This is MARVIN WILLIAMS of the Atlanta Hawks...
This is MARVIN WILLIAMS of the Atlanta Hawks...
Ehh, maybe I am just getting old.
This has been a Ribondleman Production.
This has been a Ribondleman Production.
Monday, April 07, 2008
British Bachelor: Episode 4
I'm not gonna lie, people, it was a rough day today. I got lectured at work for FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS. Yeah, sorry for doing what you told me to do, I know how fucked up that is. Then I was there so late that I missed the entire NCAA championship game. I was in the dumps. Things were bleak...
But then Kansas won in overtime and the day...totally redeemed itself! Why? Because that meant I won my NCAA bracket pool. Nothing like a little cash to make things smell rosy again. Ah, gambling.
Not only that, but I got home and let out my frustrations of the work day by playing a little Call of Duty 4, and I gunned down some terrorist bastards (12 year olds) like Dick Cheney on a hunting trip. And I don't wanna brag or anything, but I was promoted to General. That's right, ladies, General. All this could be yours.
And now I get to do this. Plus, I'm buddies with one of the girls now so it's extra good times. So here we go...
10:02pm start time. I mean, seriously.
First group date. Lamas is involved. So is Robin. And according to Chris Harrison in the tease, "everybody hates Robin".
They go to a "private estate" to play tennis and drink tea. Yeah, nothing better to cool you down after running around on the courts in the hot sun than tea.
Okay, I have declared Ashlee to be the hottest, and lo and behold she's great at tennis, thus making her ten times hotter. Damn. If she could only learn how to form complete sentences we'd be all good.
Chelsea and Lamas bust out some gymnastics. Here we discover that Lamas used to be a gymnast and has "skills". And she actually does. She does a crazy double back round off something. Lamas brags that she's very athletic. She's my girl now so I'm not going to make the obligatory "I'd like to stick her landing" joke.
Matt takes Ashlee away for some alone time and tells her that she has the ability "to take things in stride". Ashlee replies, "what does that mean?" Oh, Lord. See above comment about Ashlee.
She can't talk so she sings for him. Please make her stop opening her mouth. This show is becoming like American Idol but with hot tubs. And entertainment value.
You know who Ashlee is? Remember that episode of "Family Ties" where Alex uses the freshman directory to pick who is girlfriend will be? Then he picks out Tricia Armstrong and goes to meet her and she's super hot but a fucking moron, and Alex eventually falls for her not as cute but smarter and more challenging roommate Ellen. Ashlee is Tricia Armstrong.
The Robin hating starts. "She's too competitive", "She doesn't care about the other girls", "She's not cute enough for us to hate her", that last one was me. She gets alone time with Matt. She says she "feels like the luckiest women in America". That's what it's come to, ladies, dating a guy with 10 other women makes you "lucky". I think they feel the same way in that compound in Texas the FBI just raided (topical joke!).
Lamas mocks Robin, and then confronts her about taking all of Matt's time. Robin gives the classic "I'm not here to play fair, darling". To which Lamas responds, appropriately, "Fine, then we're gonna talk shit about you". Touche. Robin starts to cry. Go Lamas! She's the Simon Cowell of my American Idol with hot tubs theme.
Back at the house, another date box arrives. There will be a one on one date, and a two on one where Matt will give a rose during the date and the other has to get walking. Marshana and Holly are the girls, and Marshana feels "like the underdog". Amanda gets the one on one and I just realized who she looks like - last week I said Maria Shriver but no, it's a cuter version of swimmer Amanda Beard.
Back on the group date, Chelsea gets the rose. She looked good in her tennis outfit and was good tennis. Also, she didn't sing or not know what "takes things in stride" means.
Matt takes Amanda on their 1950's style date. They go to a diner. Matt dances horribly. And because he's good looking, Amanda chooses to see it as him being "so funny". Trust me, if he looked like Prince Charles there'd be nothing funny about it.
They kiss and are BORING. But this girl is definitely the dark horse. It's her, Lamas, Robin, and Chelsea at this point.
Next is the two on one. It's kinda lame cause neither girl is going to be in it for long anyway. I mean, I barely know who Holly is, and I don't think Marshana can be the one to break the dreaded Bachelor color barrier.
They both fall all over themselves telling him they'd be willing to move to the U.K. They both say that nothing is keeping them in the U.S. Easy, girls. As we suspected all along, none of these girls have actual jobs or friends.
Matt kisses them both. He's a kiss slut.
After he gets done smooching Holly, he gives the rose to Marshana! Nice. This guy is making Bachelor history, and honestly, what better way to honor the 40th anniversary of Dr. King's death.
Holly is sad. But you could kinda tell when they were alone together that she had absolutely nothing to say. I think she's the type that would "fall in love" with whoever the Bachelor was. I know that all of them would to a certain extent, but she's like a vagina-bot. There's nothing there.
Final rose ceremony party, and another standing ovation. Jesus!
Matt asks Ashlee some serious questions and she literally cannot string words together. Maybe she's autistic. You know, like those autistic people who can't communicate unless they're playing the piano. Or maybe she's like my cousin Bill, who has a crippling stutter but sang his bar mitzvah shit with nary a fumble, and then took an hour and a half to say "thank you" to his parents at the party afterwards. She's too dumb to be just a stutterer though, and too hot to be a full blown retard.
Matt is really grilling these girls, and I respect that. Kelly (smoker voice) is shit faced. He's asking her serious questions, but instead of answering she pulls open her shirt to reveal her boobies (with bra). Oh, boy. I think she wasn't going home, and now she is. Although those were really great boobies.
Lamas gets some alone time. All they do is kiss a lot, accompanied by some sappy music...possibly from the soundtrack to Columbia Pictures "Made of Honor", starring Patrick Dempsey.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
SHAYNE is in, they are setting her up as "the favorite".
ROBIN, the evil one, gets a rose.
NOELLE, the "band camp" girl gets a rose.
Fuck! I am bummed. He had no choice but to eliminate Ashlee and Kelly after their performances, but I am going to miss them. They were the best looking of the bunch, though drunk and retarded. Collectively, drunktarded.
Kelly is all, "Matt, you're cool and all, but you're not the best cause you didn't choose me!" Yeah, go have another cigarette.
Ashlee goes, "there's more to me than just a songwriter". And there's not even that. Then, you guessed it...she sings. Okay, I'm officially glad she's gone. There's no amount of hot that can ease the pain of that voice.
But then Kansas won in overtime and the day...totally redeemed itself! Why? Because that meant I won my NCAA bracket pool. Nothing like a little cash to make things smell rosy again. Ah, gambling.
Not only that, but I got home and let out my frustrations of the work day by playing a little Call of Duty 4, and I gunned down some terrorist bastards (12 year olds) like Dick Cheney on a hunting trip. And I don't wanna brag or anything, but I was promoted to General. That's right, ladies, General. All this could be yours.
And now I get to do this. Plus, I'm buddies with one of the girls now so it's extra good times. So here we go...
10:02pm start time. I mean, seriously.
First group date. Lamas is involved. So is Robin. And according to Chris Harrison in the tease, "everybody hates Robin".
They go to a "private estate" to play tennis and drink tea. Yeah, nothing better to cool you down after running around on the courts in the hot sun than tea.
Okay, I have declared Ashlee to be the hottest, and lo and behold she's great at tennis, thus making her ten times hotter. Damn. If she could only learn how to form complete sentences we'd be all good.
Chelsea and Lamas bust out some gymnastics. Here we discover that Lamas used to be a gymnast and has "skills". And she actually does. She does a crazy double back round off something. Lamas brags that she's very athletic. She's my girl now so I'm not going to make the obligatory "I'd like to stick her landing" joke.
Matt takes Ashlee away for some alone time and tells her that she has the ability "to take things in stride". Ashlee replies, "what does that mean?" Oh, Lord. See above comment about Ashlee.
She can't talk so she sings for him. Please make her stop opening her mouth. This show is becoming like American Idol but with hot tubs. And entertainment value.
You know who Ashlee is? Remember that episode of "Family Ties" where Alex uses the freshman directory to pick who is girlfriend will be? Then he picks out Tricia Armstrong and goes to meet her and she's super hot but a fucking moron, and Alex eventually falls for her not as cute but smarter and more challenging roommate Ellen. Ashlee is Tricia Armstrong.
The Robin hating starts. "She's too competitive", "She doesn't care about the other girls", "She's not cute enough for us to hate her", that last one was me. She gets alone time with Matt. She says she "feels like the luckiest women in America". That's what it's come to, ladies, dating a guy with 10 other women makes you "lucky". I think they feel the same way in that compound in Texas the FBI just raided (topical joke!).
Lamas mocks Robin, and then confronts her about taking all of Matt's time. Robin gives the classic "I'm not here to play fair, darling". To which Lamas responds, appropriately, "Fine, then we're gonna talk shit about you". Touche. Robin starts to cry. Go Lamas! She's the Simon Cowell of my American Idol with hot tubs theme.
Back at the house, another date box arrives. There will be a one on one date, and a two on one where Matt will give a rose during the date and the other has to get walking. Marshana and Holly are the girls, and Marshana feels "like the underdog". Amanda gets the one on one and I just realized who she looks like - last week I said Maria Shriver but no, it's a cuter version of swimmer Amanda Beard.
Back on the group date, Chelsea gets the rose. She looked good in her tennis outfit and was good tennis. Also, she didn't sing or not know what "takes things in stride" means.
Matt takes Amanda on their 1950's style date. They go to a diner. Matt dances horribly. And because he's good looking, Amanda chooses to see it as him being "so funny". Trust me, if he looked like Prince Charles there'd be nothing funny about it.
They kiss and are BORING. But this girl is definitely the dark horse. It's her, Lamas, Robin, and Chelsea at this point.
Next is the two on one. It's kinda lame cause neither girl is going to be in it for long anyway. I mean, I barely know who Holly is, and I don't think Marshana can be the one to break the dreaded Bachelor color barrier.
They both fall all over themselves telling him they'd be willing to move to the U.K. They both say that nothing is keeping them in the U.S. Easy, girls. As we suspected all along, none of these girls have actual jobs or friends.
Matt kisses them both. He's a kiss slut.
After he gets done smooching Holly, he gives the rose to Marshana! Nice. This guy is making Bachelor history, and honestly, what better way to honor the 40th anniversary of Dr. King's death.
Holly is sad. But you could kinda tell when they were alone together that she had absolutely nothing to say. I think she's the type that would "fall in love" with whoever the Bachelor was. I know that all of them would to a certain extent, but she's like a vagina-bot. There's nothing there.
Final rose ceremony party, and another standing ovation. Jesus!
Matt asks Ashlee some serious questions and she literally cannot string words together. Maybe she's autistic. You know, like those autistic people who can't communicate unless they're playing the piano. Or maybe she's like my cousin Bill, who has a crippling stutter but sang his bar mitzvah shit with nary a fumble, and then took an hour and a half to say "thank you" to his parents at the party afterwards. She's too dumb to be just a stutterer though, and too hot to be a full blown retard.
Matt is really grilling these girls, and I respect that. Kelly (smoker voice) is shit faced. He's asking her serious questions, but instead of answering she pulls open her shirt to reveal her boobies (with bra). Oh, boy. I think she wasn't going home, and now she is. Although those were really great boobies.
Lamas gets some alone time. All they do is kiss a lot, accompanied by some sappy music...possibly from the soundtrack to Columbia Pictures "Made of Honor", starring Patrick Dempsey.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
SHAYNE is in, they are setting her up as "the favorite".
ROBIN, the evil one, gets a rose.
NOELLE, the "band camp" girl gets a rose.
Fuck! I am bummed. He had no choice but to eliminate Ashlee and Kelly after their performances, but I am going to miss them. They were the best looking of the bunch, though drunk and retarded. Collectively, drunktarded.
Kelly is all, "Matt, you're cool and all, but you're not the best cause you didn't choose me!" Yeah, go have another cigarette.
Ashlee goes, "there's more to me than just a songwriter". And there's not even that. Then, you guessed it...she sings. Okay, I'm officially glad she's gone. There's no amount of hot that can ease the pain of that voice.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Lamas and Me
I am exhausted. I can barely keep my eyes open. But before I fall into bed right now I felt it my responsibility to report on today's proceedings (especially after all the hype).
My day started at 7:30am. The shoot ended at 10:00pm. I didn't have dinner, and lunch was some horrific garlic chicken concoction. At least give me some carrots, motherfuckers! Some fruit? Anything? Nope. It was a skittles and Sunkist soda kind of day, and that's not good for the energy level, or the teeth for that matter.
But enough about me.
We were running way late, obviously. So Lamas showed up and had to wait around for a long while. She was sitting nearby with some actors, and I was working up the courage to dive in with my Bachelor questions. Then we started shooting an insert shot (Hollywood talk) that they didn't need me around for and that's when I made my move.
I had heard some of the other people talking to her and I definitely heard "The Bachelor" mentioned. So I sat down right across from her and she looked at me and said "Hi!". I said "My name's Irwin, I'm a producer" (writers don't get pussy).
Then I said, "I just wanted to sit in if there's any Bachelor talk happening". This got a laugh, and she put her head down, like "aw shit". I outed myself as a fan. She asked me if I "have a wife".
This was funny because a) I always forget that I'm old enough now where I should probably be married. b) she thought I could only be watching if my wife was forcing me to, and c) she was doing a gay check, because what straight man is that proud of being a fan of "The Bachelor"? Touche.
So we start talking about the show. She's pretty cool about it and had a good experience. No regrets. She knew she was taking a big risk for her "career" by doing it but the strike was happening so she went for it. She was a little bummed about the editing of episode 2. She said that Matt really is that awesome, and that I "wouldn't be disappointed" with the outcome.
Unfortunately, our conversation was cut short. Why? Because we were surrounded by extras. Now, for those of you not in the business, you need to know that extras are the biggest retards on Earth. They have dead eyes, because they do not have a soul. It's so weird because they look like regular human beings, but when you talk to them it takes about 2 seconds to realize that they are dead inside.
So these extras kept fucking up our talk, breaking in with inane and nonsensical questions/comments. Like, "which season were you on?" or "how many girls are left right now?" and "your whose daughter?" As much fun as it was talking with her, I couldn't take those morons anymore and just got up and left.
Then we did her scene. I wish I could tell you her one line but I think I'm not allowed to. But let's just say it involved her chest (and is funny, I promise). Isn't it crazy how this girl is on a highly rated show on ABC primetime right now and has to slum it doing tit jokes with me? Welcome to the world of reality TV.
Despite that fact, she was a great sport. I cannot say enough nice things about her, she was very sweet and totally cool about everything, and very, very cute. We might use her again.
After her part was over, she came over to me. "Irwin, thank you so much! It was great meeting you". That's right, people, I felt a little vibe. We shook hands and parted ways. I thought to myself, "I did it! I got through this with no awkwardness! It's a miracle!"
But I spoke too soon...
Minutes later I was hanging out in a hallway pitching jokes for something. And Lamas comes out of her dressing room having changed back into her regular clothes. She passes by me and goes, "hey! Thanks again!" And puts her hand up for a high five. But I think she's going for another handshake, so I just stick my hand out.
That's right, it was the awkward high five/handshake, the scourge of awkard douches everywhere!
She goes "I was going for a high five, but okay..." Dammit, such a common mistake! I thought I was better than that!
That was it. About 45 seconds later I thought "I should get a picture for the blog!" But it was too late. And the rest of the shoot I felt bad that I didn't get the picture for everyone. Well, there's always next time. And maybe we can get one of us recreating the unfortunate our now infamous high five/handshake.
Goodnight!
My day started at 7:30am. The shoot ended at 10:00pm. I didn't have dinner, and lunch was some horrific garlic chicken concoction. At least give me some carrots, motherfuckers! Some fruit? Anything? Nope. It was a skittles and Sunkist soda kind of day, and that's not good for the energy level, or the teeth for that matter.
But enough about me.
We were running way late, obviously. So Lamas showed up and had to wait around for a long while. She was sitting nearby with some actors, and I was working up the courage to dive in with my Bachelor questions. Then we started shooting an insert shot (Hollywood talk) that they didn't need me around for and that's when I made my move.
I had heard some of the other people talking to her and I definitely heard "The Bachelor" mentioned. So I sat down right across from her and she looked at me and said "Hi!". I said "My name's Irwin, I'm a producer" (writers don't get pussy).
Then I said, "I just wanted to sit in if there's any Bachelor talk happening". This got a laugh, and she put her head down, like "aw shit". I outed myself as a fan. She asked me if I "have a wife".
This was funny because a) I always forget that I'm old enough now where I should probably be married. b) she thought I could only be watching if my wife was forcing me to, and c) she was doing a gay check, because what straight man is that proud of being a fan of "The Bachelor"? Touche.
So we start talking about the show. She's pretty cool about it and had a good experience. No regrets. She knew she was taking a big risk for her "career" by doing it but the strike was happening so she went for it. She was a little bummed about the editing of episode 2. She said that Matt really is that awesome, and that I "wouldn't be disappointed" with the outcome.
Unfortunately, our conversation was cut short. Why? Because we were surrounded by extras. Now, for those of you not in the business, you need to know that extras are the biggest retards on Earth. They have dead eyes, because they do not have a soul. It's so weird because they look like regular human beings, but when you talk to them it takes about 2 seconds to realize that they are dead inside.
So these extras kept fucking up our talk, breaking in with inane and nonsensical questions/comments. Like, "which season were you on?" or "how many girls are left right now?" and "your whose daughter?" As much fun as it was talking with her, I couldn't take those morons anymore and just got up and left.
Then we did her scene. I wish I could tell you her one line but I think I'm not allowed to. But let's just say it involved her chest (and is funny, I promise). Isn't it crazy how this girl is on a highly rated show on ABC primetime right now and has to slum it doing tit jokes with me? Welcome to the world of reality TV.
Despite that fact, she was a great sport. I cannot say enough nice things about her, she was very sweet and totally cool about everything, and very, very cute. We might use her again.
After her part was over, she came over to me. "Irwin, thank you so much! It was great meeting you". That's right, people, I felt a little vibe. We shook hands and parted ways. I thought to myself, "I did it! I got through this with no awkwardness! It's a miracle!"
But I spoke too soon...
Minutes later I was hanging out in a hallway pitching jokes for something. And Lamas comes out of her dressing room having changed back into her regular clothes. She passes by me and goes, "hey! Thanks again!" And puts her hand up for a high five. But I think she's going for another handshake, so I just stick my hand out.
That's right, it was the awkward high five/handshake, the scourge of awkard douches everywhere!
She goes "I was going for a high five, but okay..." Dammit, such a common mistake! I thought I was better than that!
That was it. About 45 seconds later I thought "I should get a picture for the blog!" But it was too late. And the rest of the shoot I felt bad that I didn't get the picture for everyone. Well, there's always next time. And maybe we can get one of us recreating the unfortunate our now infamous high five/handshake.
Goodnight!
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