Damn. We're really going to have to wait until January, 2009? That's just wrong.
First off, I loved the finale. These guys are just good. Of course, it wasn't as good as last season's, but that's an unfair comparison because last season's finale was the greatest finale in the history of finales. Plus, you can't have mind blowing, series altering revelations every season, you just can't.
Here's how I watched the finale: I was supposed to watch it with Pamie, but she had to work late and so did I. At about 8:45 we officially called it off. Then I ended up staying at work until midnight. I raced home - I'm convinced that LA without traffic late at night is true heaven. I had a long day ahead on Friday as we were shooting two episodes and would definitely be there after 11 again. But fuck it. I couldn't wait. I watched it as soon as I got home.
THINGS OF NOTE:
They halved the flash forwards. It was a 2 hour episode but they only did as many flash forwards as they would in a one hour. This was a little bit of a bummer because I love flash forwards, especially when they involve Jack and Kate.
Keep in mind this was at 1:30 in the morning with all the lights out in my place: when Kate tip toed into Aaron's room with the gun and found (dead) Claire there sitting with him, I was sitting on my couch looking over my shoulder for intruders. This would not be a total puss move except that directly behind my couch is a wall. But I really get freaked out by dead people and young children.
When did LeBron James get time to film his scenes as Walt? Somebody check that kid's pituitary gland.
I don't care if my dead dad was following me around and my facial hair sucked, I'd be in that bed with Kate.
When Kate got that phone call, whoever was on the other line was speaking backwards. Now my question is: do the "Lost" writers expect us to look it up on the internet. Do they leak out what was said or do they just depend on some nerd to play it backwards and then tell the rest of us? I just wanna know how that works. (by the way, the voice said: "The island needs you. You have to go back before it's too late." Thanks nerds/Lost writers)
Here's more stuff the nerds helped us with: If you want to know what Sawyer supposedly said to Kate, you can hear it here.
Did anyone else think that John Locke in the coffin looked fakey? Is it a ruse by Ben to get these people to go back? Remember people, he always has a plan. Or maybe they just had to do a makeup job on his face because it got mangled somehow when he "died".
MINOR COMPLAINTS
I thought the whole reason they had to "move" the island was because Army man was going to kill everyone and destroy the island or whatever. Then why when they killed Army man did they still "move" the island? And if you're answer is, "well, now Widmore or whoever else knows where the island is so they'll just keep sending people". Okay, then why is it necessary for the Oceanic 6 to lie when they were rescued? Widmore is the only one looking for the island, and he knows the truth since he faked the plane under the ocean, so isn't he going to keep looking no matter what?
My friend Mat and I discussed that too much of the finale was just set up. The Sun thing with Widmore, the Claire thing, Sawyer's whisper to Kate, Charlotte searching for where she was born...it felt like the first episode of a season instead of the last.
Here's why the ending bothered me: there has been absolutely no hint at all as to why all of the 6 would need to go back to the island. What's the motivation for that? I wish there was some reason we've learned before that shows why all of them would need to go. Yeah, Jack's fucked up. But Sun's doing all right. And Kate's doing awesome if people would just stop calling her and talking backwards.
Plus, why wouldn't Walt have to go back? Okay, Ben allowed him to leave. But remember, Ben also let Jack and the rest of them leave too.
MORE QUESTIONS
There are 2 seasons left. What are those seasons going to be? Are we going to see Sawyer and Juliet hanging out on the island and getting freaky? Maybe now they'll do the thing where the main action is off the island, and the flashes will be to the island, but that is probably wrong.
Are we gonna see Desmond again or his story done?
Is Jin really dead?
Who in the hell is that dude who doesn't age and just keeps getting prettier?
Will we find out who the black guy from "The Wire" is on this show before the year 2010?
Will Walt get drafted by the Lakers this year?
Well, luckily we will get perfectly suitable answers for all of these questions in just 7 short months.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
I'm a Little Worried About the New 90210
This is the tag line, and I swear I'm not making this up:
"If you wanna live in the zip, you gotta live by the code"
Oh, snap.
I don't know which part of that I hate more: the use of the phrase "the zip", or the...no, it's "the zip", that's it. I hate it. It makes me want to take a knife and cut out the part of my brain that processes information and tells me it's horrible. The zip? Who says "I wanna live in that zip"? No one says that. Even postmen don't say "that's a great zip".
"If you wanna live in the zip, you gotta live by the code"
Oh, snap.
I don't know which part of that I hate more: the use of the phrase "the zip", or the...no, it's "the zip", that's it. I hate it. It makes me want to take a knife and cut out the part of my brain that processes information and tells me it's horrible. The zip? Who says "I wanna live in that zip"? No one says that. Even postmen don't say "that's a great zip".
Monday, May 26, 2008
One More Chance for DeAnna the Bachelorette (Episode 2)
This might be my last recap about this because last week's episode was so terrible. Let's see if we get an improvement.
Oh wait, I immediately see we're in trouble - this episode is 2 hours long! What the hell!? I have a job, motherfuckers. This really sucks because you know they're taking what is normally an hour show and putting filler in there to make it two.
A new wrinkle this season: the guys have to live in a shitty guest house. Each week 3 of them will get to live with DeAnna in the mansion. This wrinkle might be interesting...if we haven't already seen it in every other dating show. Bachelor, if you're gonna steal from other dating shows, at least have the decency to steal the girl who shit in the living room on "Flavor of Love".
First group date, and it's said to be "magical". There are 7 guys on it - the guy with the kid is there, so is the gay football player, and mullet man. They go to the Magic Castle in LA. My friend Tara has a very funny yet very real anger towards magic. She hates it. She is physically repulsed by magic acts. And I kinda see where she's coming from.
One on one time for Mullet Man...and have I mentioned his horrible suit? It's some kind of two toned silver number. Even David Copperfield is like "that's an ugly ass suit".
Filler. Filler. Filler.
Paul the speedo guy from episode 1 gets a rose on the group date. That's how bad things are for DeAnna, he was the best choice.
Next, DeAnna and Graham have a one on one date at the beach. Graham is the "professional basketball player". I hate to break it to you, bro, but just because you wear a Live Strong bracelet and do the brotha man handshake doesn't mean you're a pro athlete.
She's getting "The Brad's" about Graham. She thinks he's not feeling it and doesn't know what he wants, that he's just on the show for the show, or something. But he somehow turns it around and gets the date rose and they make out. Wouldn't it be funny if it turned out that Graham had a twin brother named Sam who looked nothing like him? That would be a deal breaker for DeAnna, right? It would also be the only way I'd enjoy the Bachelorette this year.
Back at the house, the gay football player admits to the other guys that he's a virgin. What a shock. Can I call it or what? The gaydar is strong with me, it is. Yoda jokes, people, yoda jokes.
Next group date is at Dodger stadium. The guys are greeted by Tommy Lasorda. Wow, Tommy Lasorda?! The Bachelor really pulls in the celebrity sport cameos, huh? What, was Connie Mack not available?
Some guy sings a bad version of the national anthem, which Chris Harrison dubs "the most embarrassing moment in Bachelor history". What about the time you guys pretended two brothers were identical twins? Anyway, then there's a homerun derby. Creepy Jeremy wins, and then gets some one on one time where he tearfully reveals that both his parents are dead. I feel bad for the guy, but the way he tells her isn't exactly helping his chances. He says it like he killed them.
Next she talks to the Greek guy who only talks about being Greek. Ah, how I've dreamed to meet a Half-Jew girl whom I can talk endlessly about Half-Jew culture.
And then there's "old" Brian. He's the gray haired 50 year old looking dude who is actually younger than me. Every time I see him I want to kill myself. Luckily, I'm old enough to die of old age first.
Jeremy gets the date rose, killing his parents paid off after all.
Everyone goes back to the house for the final rose ceremony. I guess when the guys from the other house showed up, Jeremy said "welcome to our home". Now, as Chris Harrison says, "everyone hates Jeremy".
Twilley makes me uncomfortable. He makes DeAnna uncomfortable too. He says DeAnna "obviously doesn't have the case of the Twilleys".
Gay football player calls Jeremy a "dick" to his face. I feel like calling people a dick should make a comeback. Douche has taken hold the last couple years, but there's nothing like a good old fashioned dick.
Ron seemed like one of the few guys who might have a chance, but then he gets some one on one time and seems like a freak. He says to her, "give us hope". Easy there, Barack.
For some reason there's a pushup contest. The snowboarder guy wins. Amazing, what with all the other professional athletes in the house.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Can she get rid of all of them?
RON - I say, yes we can!
JESSE - let's hear it for the Herschel Walker workout.
ROBERT - the chef, unbelievable. The man wore a pink polo with the collar flipped up the entire episode!
BRIAN - the guy who is younger than me.
JASON - smart move not telling her about the kid.
FRED - who?
SEAN - mullet man! That's how bad the rest of the guys are.
RICHARD - dorky teacher we didn't hear much of this episode.
TWILLEY!!! - she's infected with a malignant strain of the Twilleys! This is the last straw for me. Twilley? The man is downright scary. He'd look crazy on the Tila Tequila show.
Sorry guys, I am out. I checked ahead and they are doing 2 hour episodes every week. Enough is enough. These guys are terrible, I'm done. As Chris Harrison would say, this is "the most quittable season in Bachelor history!"
In better news, "Lost" finale is this Thursday!
Oh wait, I immediately see we're in trouble - this episode is 2 hours long! What the hell!? I have a job, motherfuckers. This really sucks because you know they're taking what is normally an hour show and putting filler in there to make it two.
A new wrinkle this season: the guys have to live in a shitty guest house. Each week 3 of them will get to live with DeAnna in the mansion. This wrinkle might be interesting...if we haven't already seen it in every other dating show. Bachelor, if you're gonna steal from other dating shows, at least have the decency to steal the girl who shit in the living room on "Flavor of Love".
First group date, and it's said to be "magical". There are 7 guys on it - the guy with the kid is there, so is the gay football player, and mullet man. They go to the Magic Castle in LA. My friend Tara has a very funny yet very real anger towards magic. She hates it. She is physically repulsed by magic acts. And I kinda see where she's coming from.
One on one time for Mullet Man...and have I mentioned his horrible suit? It's some kind of two toned silver number. Even David Copperfield is like "that's an ugly ass suit".
Filler. Filler. Filler.
Paul the speedo guy from episode 1 gets a rose on the group date. That's how bad things are for DeAnna, he was the best choice.
Next, DeAnna and Graham have a one on one date at the beach. Graham is the "professional basketball player". I hate to break it to you, bro, but just because you wear a Live Strong bracelet and do the brotha man handshake doesn't mean you're a pro athlete.
She's getting "The Brad's" about Graham. She thinks he's not feeling it and doesn't know what he wants, that he's just on the show for the show, or something. But he somehow turns it around and gets the date rose and they make out. Wouldn't it be funny if it turned out that Graham had a twin brother named Sam who looked nothing like him? That would be a deal breaker for DeAnna, right? It would also be the only way I'd enjoy the Bachelorette this year.
Back at the house, the gay football player admits to the other guys that he's a virgin. What a shock. Can I call it or what? The gaydar is strong with me, it is. Yoda jokes, people, yoda jokes.
Next group date is at Dodger stadium. The guys are greeted by Tommy Lasorda. Wow, Tommy Lasorda?! The Bachelor really pulls in the celebrity sport cameos, huh? What, was Connie Mack not available?
Some guy sings a bad version of the national anthem, which Chris Harrison dubs "the most embarrassing moment in Bachelor history". What about the time you guys pretended two brothers were identical twins? Anyway, then there's a homerun derby. Creepy Jeremy wins, and then gets some one on one time where he tearfully reveals that both his parents are dead. I feel bad for the guy, but the way he tells her isn't exactly helping his chances. He says it like he killed them.
Next she talks to the Greek guy who only talks about being Greek. Ah, how I've dreamed to meet a Half-Jew girl whom I can talk endlessly about Half-Jew culture.
And then there's "old" Brian. He's the gray haired 50 year old looking dude who is actually younger than me. Every time I see him I want to kill myself. Luckily, I'm old enough to die of old age first.
Jeremy gets the date rose, killing his parents paid off after all.
Everyone goes back to the house for the final rose ceremony. I guess when the guys from the other house showed up, Jeremy said "welcome to our home". Now, as Chris Harrison says, "everyone hates Jeremy".
Twilley makes me uncomfortable. He makes DeAnna uncomfortable too. He says DeAnna "obviously doesn't have the case of the Twilleys".
Gay football player calls Jeremy a "dick" to his face. I feel like calling people a dick should make a comeback. Douche has taken hold the last couple years, but there's nothing like a good old fashioned dick.
Ron seemed like one of the few guys who might have a chance, but then he gets some one on one time and seems like a freak. He says to her, "give us hope". Easy there, Barack.
For some reason there's a pushup contest. The snowboarder guy wins. Amazing, what with all the other professional athletes in the house.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Can she get rid of all of them?
RON - I say, yes we can!
JESSE - let's hear it for the Herschel Walker workout.
ROBERT - the chef, unbelievable. The man wore a pink polo with the collar flipped up the entire episode!
BRIAN - the guy who is younger than me.
JASON - smart move not telling her about the kid.
FRED - who?
SEAN - mullet man! That's how bad the rest of the guys are.
RICHARD - dorky teacher we didn't hear much of this episode.
TWILLEY!!! - she's infected with a malignant strain of the Twilleys! This is the last straw for me. Twilley? The man is downright scary. He'd look crazy on the Tila Tequila show.
Sorry guys, I am out. I checked ahead and they are doing 2 hour episodes every week. Enough is enough. These guys are terrible, I'm done. As Chris Harrison would say, this is "the most quittable season in Bachelor history!"
In better news, "Lost" finale is this Thursday!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Watch Stuff I Wrote Tonight
My show premieres tonight at 10:30pm on Comedy Central. You probably won't watch it. But if you do, I wrote the very first sketch (before the main titles) with my friend, and I'm in it as "head of security". So look for me running ahead of the pack and looking tough for the split second that I'm on screen. Also, I think it's pretty funny.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
The Latest Gayest Thing I've Ever Said
I was watching "Cloverfield" the other night with a lady friend. And if you haven't seen it, one of the story lines is about a guy and a girl who have been friends their entire lives, and the guy has been secretly in love with her the whole time. I must mention here that the girl is smoking hot, very Minka Kelly-esque.
Anyway, at the beginning of the movie they have sex for the first time, but the guy doesn't reveal he's wanted this all along. Cut to two weeks later, he's moving to Japan for a job. He hasn't called her after the night they had sex because of weirdness or whatever, and there's a big going away party for him and she shows up with a different guy. They get in a big fight. She leaves in a huff. He's depressed.
And you know that the monster is about to strike New York, and you know that the guy is going to have to chase after her and rescue her.
As soon as she leaves the party and right before the monster hits, I turn to my lady friend:
ME: Uh, oh. I think I'm guaranteed to love this movie.
HER: Why?
ME: Because I really want to see those two end up together.
Anyway, at the beginning of the movie they have sex for the first time, but the guy doesn't reveal he's wanted this all along. Cut to two weeks later, he's moving to Japan for a job. He hasn't called her after the night they had sex because of weirdness or whatever, and there's a big going away party for him and she shows up with a different guy. They get in a big fight. She leaves in a huff. He's depressed.
And you know that the monster is about to strike New York, and you know that the guy is going to have to chase after her and rescue her.
As soon as she leaves the party and right before the monster hits, I turn to my lady friend:
ME: Uh, oh. I think I'm guaranteed to love this movie.
HER: Why?
ME: Because I really want to see those two end up together.
Monday, May 19, 2008
DeAnna the Bachelorette, Episode 1
I wasn't sure if I was going to be recapping this. I'm just too busy right now. But I got home and I'm gonna sit and watch it anyway, so what the hell. Also, the Bachelorette will potentially give me an opportunity to shit on the dudes where normally it's the girls who get it. I'm very similar to Fox News, I aim for "fair and balanced".
It's interesting that DeAnna is the bachelorette. I mean, she wasn't exactly beloved...until Brad (or was it Chad?) dumped her. Everyone loves the dumpee I guess. But as you know I was a big fan early on, and even vowed to be on this show if she was the bachelorette. Unfortunately, I have a job and only like to embarrass myself in front of small groups of people and not the country.
One other note before we get to the show: did you see the paparazzi footage of Lamas and Matt today? If not, go to tmz and check it out. Crazy.
Oh, one other note. A key difference with the Bachelorette is this: the guys already know who DeAnna is. And in most cases, they've come on the show to meet her (as opposed to the Bachelor where the girls don't know who the guy is going to be). This is not good. Why? Because, for example, when Jen was the Bachelorette, the guys were just slobbing all over her. For some reason, women do not like this. They want someone who isn't a puppy dog...at least that's what Mystery from "The Pickup Artist" taught me. Look for this to be a factor...
I'm skipping the guy "intros" and just going directly to what is normally the beginning if the show wasn't 2 hours. DeAnna stands at the front of the house to greet the guys coming out of the limos.
I'm not liking the gold dress. It was designed to cover up her rather generous caboose. I'm pretty sure this is going to be a running plotline - how will she keep that thing hidden throughout the show? I can't wait to find out.
First guy out of the limo has grey hair:
BRIAN - 31, a high school football coach and a corny motherfucker. His opener is "to be honest, it wasn't until this moment until I knew why I was doing this show". Mystery grades that approach an "F", and wishes he would've gone with a neg instead. On a side note, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS GUY IS YOUNGER THAN ME! Is that what I look like to the outside world? I'm going to kill myself.
PAUL - 23, a sales manager from Canada. He twirls her, which is awkward, cause he's shorter than her.
GRAHAM - 29, a "professional basketball player". Sure he is. There's tons of 5'9" white guys in the NBA. Can you just say anything for occupation?
SEAN - 33, a martial arts master, and also a master mullet.
RICHARD - 27, a science teacher and huge dork.
JASON - 31, an account executive - the man's version of pharmaceutical rep. Also, we know from earlier he has a kid. I'm sure that won't come back to bite him in the ass or anything.
SPERO - 38, an actor. He wears glasses to cover up his crazy eyes.
JESSE - 25, pro snowboarder. He's got a wild jacket on. I snowboard. I'm extreme and so is my jacket!
JON - 35, resort manager. This is really hard for me because I honestly don't know what guys are good looking, but I'm pretty sure that none of these guys are good looking.
CHRIS - 29, medical sales. Uh oh, medical sales! What, he's too good to sell pharmaceuticals?
BRIAN - 29, a network consultant. Well, he's tall at least.
JEFFREY - 27, a math teacher and the token brotha! Enjoy your two weeks, guy.
DONATO - 26, a sales rep. He awkwardly spins her and then starts walking away and she has to tell him to come back. I'm really starting to feel bad for this girl, and also for myself because I think I could've "won". By the way, I would've been the "I'm not here to make friends" dude.
RYAN - 28, a "professional football player". He's also in the closet.
TWILLEY - 33, a debt manager. He's the third guy so far that I would suspect as a child molester. They just have that look.
RON - 36, he owns a barbershop and looks like Simon Cowell's younger brother.
PATRICK - 26, financial analyst. He's got an Ashton Kutcher haircut, without the Ashton Kutcher face.
LUKE - 27, an oyster farmer. She goes "tell me something funny" and he goes "well how about you look great". I think the Amanda from the last Bachelor is playing another one of those prank thingys on DeAnna right now. These can't be the real guys.
ERIC - 31, a "senior" analyst. He might actually be semi-good looking and dare I say, somewhat normal.
ROBERT - 28, a chef. He's huge. Stop eating the product, homey, don't get high on your own supply.
CHANDLER - 25, an insurance rep. He's straight up strange. No word yet if his last name is Bing.
GREG - 28, a personal trainer from New York.
FRED - 30, a lawyer. He's one of those slobber types I mentioned above.
PATRICK - 27, internet marketing. He's a big dude as well.
JEREMY - 30, he's in real estate. He looks like Will from Will and Grace.
And that's the group, folks. Wow. Hopefully, they will improve once they get drunk. But usually that's not how it works.
She has three "first impression" roses. She gives the first one out as soon as she goes inside to Jeremy, the Will and Grace guy. Typical woman loving the gay dude.
Jason grabs her for some one on one time and the other guys hate. Jason asks DeAnna why her family is important to her. Great question, bro.
Brian, the gay football player gets some one on one. They share a blanket and Brian takes up most of it. The other guys dog him for it and it's funny. He says he's been "in and out of the NFL". I think he means his been "in and out of Michael Strahan".
Simon Cowell guy talks to her. He casually reveals that he's been married before. She is not stoked to hear it. I guess he didn't get the memo that the Bachelor series exists in 1954. It's like The Bachelor has access to the time machine on "Lost".
Interesting that the guys aren't doing the "talent show" thing that the girls have resorted to in the last 2 seasons.
Just as they say that, the Chef guy goes to the kitchen and starts cooking. The guys seem to be more impressed by this and stand around and watch him. They say they are "intimidated" by it. Tough bunch of cowboys, eh?
Luke, the weird Oyster farmer gets her a pearl necklace. No, an actual pearl necklace. The Bachelor is the only dating show on TV right now that wouldn't make a pearl necklace joke. Coincidentally, this guy makes Domenico from MTV look like Clooney. I wonder if he's gonna make her his bambina.
DeAnna gets some help in the form of Jenni, as in Jenni the Silver Spoons girl cheerleader from The Bachelor. Suddenly, they are best buds because Brad (or was it Chad?) dumped both their asses. Jenni talks to the guys for her. It's boring.
Richard calls himself "the nerdy guy of the bunch". Now that's saying something. That's like a girl on "Rock of Love" calling herself "the slutty whore of the bunch". DeAnna really likes him, even though she says he's "a little dorky".
One of the guys asks Jenni to sit on his lap. It's awesome.
Snowboarder guy interrupts another dude and starts talking to DeAnna. He's all right. But then mullet martial arts guy interrupts him to...kick a lemon off his head to impress DeAnna. Seriously. What's even more strange is that I'm more shocked by his hair than the fact that he's kicking a lemon off a guy's head. DeAnna says "it's kinda weird, but it got me attention". Yeah, there's such a thing as bad attention.
The second first (?) impression rose goes to snowboarder guy. Mullet boy says "I think I helped him get that". He's right, actually. After DeAnna saw the snowboarder next to his mullet, the snowboarder looked a million times better.
Greg is insane and refers to himself in the third person. He says "I got a lot of different levels: compassionate, poetic, and wild boy". When he said that, he was operating on level douche.
Other Brian forces DeAnna to feel his abs. God, I fucking hate these people! And not in a good way.
Oh! I just remembered DeAnna's weird blinking thing. Welcome back, blinky. A guy jumps in the pool, "do I get that last rose now?" DeAnna: "No". Then he reveals that his speedo says "DeAnna" on it. DeAnna: "No".
Graham is an early front runner. He's probably the best looking. He said he runs a bar (like Brad [or was it Chad?]) and wants to start a charity. Wait, I thought he was a professional basketball player? Maybe it's like how Lamas said she's an actress.
The third first (?) impression rose goes to Richard the science teacher dork. Afterwards, Richard says to camera "I have low self esteem". When is this Amanda prank going to end?
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY (thank God)
RON. The Simon Cowell guy. Congratulations on being completely average!
GRAHAM. Not a surprise. But you're still not a professional basketball player.
ERIC. The Greek Council made her pick him.
ROBERT. The chef.
SEAN. Holy shit. The mullet lemon kicking guy gets a rose?! That might officially put the nail in the coffin of this show for me.
RYAN. The gay football player. Really?
CHRIS. He's a normal dude.
PAUL. The speedo wearing pool jumper, that's what it's come to for DeAnna.
FRED. Didn't say a word since he got out of the limo, probably a smart move.
TWILLEY. Twilley.
JASON. She doesn't know about the kid yet.
BRIAN. First guy out of the limo, last to get a rose. Thought the gray hair and horrible opening line would be a factor, but luckily the competition was what it was.
Okay, I hate to say this but I think I'm out. I'll give it one more week, but this was the worst episode of this show that I've ever seen...and I watched the Charlie O'Connell season. These guys are the worst. The worst. The mullet kickboxer is in? Unless things improve next week, I'm not watching...
It's interesting that DeAnna is the bachelorette. I mean, she wasn't exactly beloved...until Brad (or was it Chad?) dumped her. Everyone loves the dumpee I guess. But as you know I was a big fan early on, and even vowed to be on this show if she was the bachelorette. Unfortunately, I have a job and only like to embarrass myself in front of small groups of people and not the country.
One other note before we get to the show: did you see the paparazzi footage of Lamas and Matt today? If not, go to tmz and check it out. Crazy.
Oh, one other note. A key difference with the Bachelorette is this: the guys already know who DeAnna is. And in most cases, they've come on the show to meet her (as opposed to the Bachelor where the girls don't know who the guy is going to be). This is not good. Why? Because, for example, when Jen was the Bachelorette, the guys were just slobbing all over her. For some reason, women do not like this. They want someone who isn't a puppy dog...at least that's what Mystery from "The Pickup Artist" taught me. Look for this to be a factor...
I'm skipping the guy "intros" and just going directly to what is normally the beginning if the show wasn't 2 hours. DeAnna stands at the front of the house to greet the guys coming out of the limos.
I'm not liking the gold dress. It was designed to cover up her rather generous caboose. I'm pretty sure this is going to be a running plotline - how will she keep that thing hidden throughout the show? I can't wait to find out.
First guy out of the limo has grey hair:
BRIAN - 31, a high school football coach and a corny motherfucker. His opener is "to be honest, it wasn't until this moment until I knew why I was doing this show". Mystery grades that approach an "F", and wishes he would've gone with a neg instead. On a side note, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS GUY IS YOUNGER THAN ME! Is that what I look like to the outside world? I'm going to kill myself.
PAUL - 23, a sales manager from Canada. He twirls her, which is awkward, cause he's shorter than her.
GRAHAM - 29, a "professional basketball player". Sure he is. There's tons of 5'9" white guys in the NBA. Can you just say anything for occupation?
SEAN - 33, a martial arts master, and also a master mullet.
RICHARD - 27, a science teacher and huge dork.
JASON - 31, an account executive - the man's version of pharmaceutical rep. Also, we know from earlier he has a kid. I'm sure that won't come back to bite him in the ass or anything.
SPERO - 38, an actor. He wears glasses to cover up his crazy eyes.
JESSE - 25, pro snowboarder. He's got a wild jacket on. I snowboard. I'm extreme and so is my jacket!
JON - 35, resort manager. This is really hard for me because I honestly don't know what guys are good looking, but I'm pretty sure that none of these guys are good looking.
CHRIS - 29, medical sales. Uh oh, medical sales! What, he's too good to sell pharmaceuticals?
BRIAN - 29, a network consultant. Well, he's tall at least.
JEFFREY - 27, a math teacher and the token brotha! Enjoy your two weeks, guy.
DONATO - 26, a sales rep. He awkwardly spins her and then starts walking away and she has to tell him to come back. I'm really starting to feel bad for this girl, and also for myself because I think I could've "won". By the way, I would've been the "I'm not here to make friends" dude.
RYAN - 28, a "professional football player". He's also in the closet.
TWILLEY - 33, a debt manager. He's the third guy so far that I would suspect as a child molester. They just have that look.
RON - 36, he owns a barbershop and looks like Simon Cowell's younger brother.
PATRICK - 26, financial analyst. He's got an Ashton Kutcher haircut, without the Ashton Kutcher face.
LUKE - 27, an oyster farmer. She goes "tell me something funny" and he goes "well how about you look great". I think the Amanda from the last Bachelor is playing another one of those prank thingys on DeAnna right now. These can't be the real guys.
ERIC - 31, a "senior" analyst. He might actually be semi-good looking and dare I say, somewhat normal.
ROBERT - 28, a chef. He's huge. Stop eating the product, homey, don't get high on your own supply.
CHANDLER - 25, an insurance rep. He's straight up strange. No word yet if his last name is Bing.
GREG - 28, a personal trainer from New York.
FRED - 30, a lawyer. He's one of those slobber types I mentioned above.
PATRICK - 27, internet marketing. He's a big dude as well.
JEREMY - 30, he's in real estate. He looks like Will from Will and Grace.
And that's the group, folks. Wow. Hopefully, they will improve once they get drunk. But usually that's not how it works.
She has three "first impression" roses. She gives the first one out as soon as she goes inside to Jeremy, the Will and Grace guy. Typical woman loving the gay dude.
Jason grabs her for some one on one time and the other guys hate. Jason asks DeAnna why her family is important to her. Great question, bro.
Brian, the gay football player gets some one on one. They share a blanket and Brian takes up most of it. The other guys dog him for it and it's funny. He says he's been "in and out of the NFL". I think he means his been "in and out of Michael Strahan".
Simon Cowell guy talks to her. He casually reveals that he's been married before. She is not stoked to hear it. I guess he didn't get the memo that the Bachelor series exists in 1954. It's like The Bachelor has access to the time machine on "Lost".
Interesting that the guys aren't doing the "talent show" thing that the girls have resorted to in the last 2 seasons.
Just as they say that, the Chef guy goes to the kitchen and starts cooking. The guys seem to be more impressed by this and stand around and watch him. They say they are "intimidated" by it. Tough bunch of cowboys, eh?
Luke, the weird Oyster farmer gets her a pearl necklace. No, an actual pearl necklace. The Bachelor is the only dating show on TV right now that wouldn't make a pearl necklace joke. Coincidentally, this guy makes Domenico from MTV look like Clooney. I wonder if he's gonna make her his bambina.
DeAnna gets some help in the form of Jenni, as in Jenni the Silver Spoons girl cheerleader from The Bachelor. Suddenly, they are best buds because Brad (or was it Chad?) dumped both their asses. Jenni talks to the guys for her. It's boring.
Richard calls himself "the nerdy guy of the bunch". Now that's saying something. That's like a girl on "Rock of Love" calling herself "the slutty whore of the bunch". DeAnna really likes him, even though she says he's "a little dorky".
One of the guys asks Jenni to sit on his lap. It's awesome.
Snowboarder guy interrupts another dude and starts talking to DeAnna. He's all right. But then mullet martial arts guy interrupts him to...kick a lemon off his head to impress DeAnna. Seriously. What's even more strange is that I'm more shocked by his hair than the fact that he's kicking a lemon off a guy's head. DeAnna says "it's kinda weird, but it got me attention". Yeah, there's such a thing as bad attention.
The second first (?) impression rose goes to snowboarder guy. Mullet boy says "I think I helped him get that". He's right, actually. After DeAnna saw the snowboarder next to his mullet, the snowboarder looked a million times better.
Greg is insane and refers to himself in the third person. He says "I got a lot of different levels: compassionate, poetic, and wild boy". When he said that, he was operating on level douche.
Other Brian forces DeAnna to feel his abs. God, I fucking hate these people! And not in a good way.
Oh! I just remembered DeAnna's weird blinking thing. Welcome back, blinky. A guy jumps in the pool, "do I get that last rose now?" DeAnna: "No". Then he reveals that his speedo says "DeAnna" on it. DeAnna: "No".
Graham is an early front runner. He's probably the best looking. He said he runs a bar (like Brad [or was it Chad?]) and wants to start a charity. Wait, I thought he was a professional basketball player? Maybe it's like how Lamas said she's an actress.
The third first (?) impression rose goes to Richard the science teacher dork. Afterwards, Richard says to camera "I have low self esteem". When is this Amanda prank going to end?
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY (thank God)
RON. The Simon Cowell guy. Congratulations on being completely average!
GRAHAM. Not a surprise. But you're still not a professional basketball player.
ERIC. The Greek Council made her pick him.
ROBERT. The chef.
SEAN. Holy shit. The mullet lemon kicking guy gets a rose?! That might officially put the nail in the coffin of this show for me.
RYAN. The gay football player. Really?
CHRIS. He's a normal dude.
PAUL. The speedo wearing pool jumper, that's what it's come to for DeAnna.
FRED. Didn't say a word since he got out of the limo, probably a smart move.
TWILLEY. Twilley.
JASON. She doesn't know about the kid yet.
BRIAN. First guy out of the limo, last to get a rose. Thought the gray hair and horrible opening line would be a factor, but luckily the competition was what it was.
Okay, I hate to say this but I think I'm out. I'll give it one more week, but this was the worst episode of this show that I've ever seen...and I watched the Charlie O'Connell season. These guys are the worst. The worst. The mullet kickboxer is in? Unless things improve next week, I'm not watching...
Monday, May 12, 2008
British Bachelor Season Finale
Whoa, I almost missed this. I literally sprinted out of my office and did 90 mph on the 10 and walked in my apartment at 10:01pm. How sad is that? I'm a grown man, 32 years old, racing home for the Bachelor. What would the 16 year old version of me say about that? He'd probably say "shut up, I'm trying to watch "Malibu Shores" here". It starts early, folks.
Okay, finale time. We're all assuming Lamas, right? Right. This one is 58 minutes. Kids, you're not gonna believe this, but in my day Bachelor finales went 3 hours long! What happened? Well, let's just say that the last one that was that long featured one Charlie O'Connell. Damn you, O'Connell!
The girls go to England to meet his parents. Chelsea is first. Tonight, Chelsea is playing for every girl out there who has gone into Pharmaceutical Sales, pretending to have a career, while really just trying to marry a guy that's too good for them. Matt brings her to meet his parents and his brother Simon, who hides his rage about being "the ugly brother" beneath an unfortunate goatee. He looks kind of like "evil" Ricky Gervais. Brilliant!
Chelsea wisely keeps the shoulders covered. Matt's mom could not be more British if she was smacked in the teeth with a shovel. Actually, she looks like Helen Mirren after getting smacked in the face with a shovel.
Oh my God! The Bachelorette starts NEXT WEEK. And it's 2 hours long! Can I have some rest, ABC? For fuck's sake.
Lamas is next. Can he really propose to a 22 year old? Not only that, she's 22 years old and Lamas. That's a lot of young and crazy. She meets the family and immediately starts lying. They ask about her acting career, and she says "I started on a soap opera and worked my way up and now I'm doing film". Uh, what were you doing with one line on my crappy show? Was that a cameo? Oh Lamas. Somehow, she wins Matt's family over - maybe it was the lying.
But darn it, there is something loveable about Lamas. She is a rare bird for this show, because she's always a little different than you think. This may sound insane, but she's smarter and more mature than meets the eye. She's kind of a typical LA/Malibu chick, where a lot of shit happened to her very young and while she may be crazy because of it, she's also a little beyond it at this point. She's all spiritual and 12 steppy, I don't know if that makes sense, but it's a Drew Barrymore thing - her parents are crazy and she had to be an adult by the time she was 8.
Ah, the sad budget of this show - they have to go back to Barbados because the hotel is sponsoring the show. In my day they traveled all around the world in every episode! There were fantasy suites in every language! Hot tubs on every continent with STD's of every type! Herpes in Hawaii! The Clap in Cairo! Chlamydia in Chad!
Matt and Shoulders go back to the fantasy suite...again, and declare their love for each other. Somewhere Amanda is going he did that shit to me last week! And she is right.
Lamas is in Barbados too! They go parasailing, and Matt calls Lamas a "monkey" - but in a good way. Coincidently, her dad once co-starred with a monkey in a straight to video release in the mid-nineties.
Lamas gives Matt a "gift" - a photo of her on the beach writing "i love you" in the sand. Matt tells Lamas that he's falling in love with her too. Somewhere Chelsea is going "but he just said that to me!" And she is right.
Matt does the fake thing where he says "I haven't made my decision yet". Dude, come on. You're better than that.
Matt hasn't made a decision yet, but he does buy a ring. So we're supposed to believe that he wants to get engaged to both of them? Uh, oh, Chelsea is wearing a shoulder revealing outfit, that could make his mind up.
Arriving in the first limo is...
CHELSEA. Not a surprise. And now the most uncomfortable moment in all of television.
You know what there hasn't been a lot of this season? The girl's feelings about each other. We have no idea what Lamas thinks of Chelsea, or vice versa. Usually there's something, "she's too young", or "look at those shoulders", but nothing. I kinda miss that.
Matt breaks her heart and I can barely watch. She's visibly upset...and really tan. She goes off a little bit and it's pretty good - she's surprisingly well spoken about it. Matt very cooly is all, "at times I thought you were the one...now let's get you to the limo so I can propose to the girl who is really the one". BUT...
Before they can get there, Chelsea stops and gets pissed! And for the first time we hear her talk shit about Lamas. "I don't understand, she's the falsest person here!" Nice! That's so weird, I was just asking for that. Man, that book "The Secret" really works. Matt defends Lamas, but Chelsea's not buying. Matt is pretty slick with the whole thing. He does not waver. After watching him, I am more and more convinced that I am not a real man.
In the limo, Chelsea says "he is a fool!" I love how people in reality shows always pretend like they can never get eliminated. Somebody has to get tossed, it's just math, motherfuckers.
Lamas is the one. Wow. I totally talked about this with her when she was on set. Remember? She said I'd "be happy with the way it goes". Why would I be happy that she ends up with him? Did I look like that good of a dude that I'd be happy about not getting the chance to have sex with her? Cause I'm not. She was glowing about him though when she talked. It seemed hard to believe she'd be that happy if she had gotten dumped.
BUT WAIT, will Matt pull the Kelly Taylor and choose himself? Nope, he asks monkey to marry him. Monkey is shocked, monkey love Matt, monkey say yes.
They kiss in front of the ocean, and dammit if Chris Harrison wasn't right: it's the most romantic finale in Bachelor history! Stay tuned for next month's most awkward "things just didn't work out" press release ever!
Okay, finale time. We're all assuming Lamas, right? Right. This one is 58 minutes. Kids, you're not gonna believe this, but in my day Bachelor finales went 3 hours long! What happened? Well, let's just say that the last one that was that long featured one Charlie O'Connell. Damn you, O'Connell!
The girls go to England to meet his parents. Chelsea is first. Tonight, Chelsea is playing for every girl out there who has gone into Pharmaceutical Sales, pretending to have a career, while really just trying to marry a guy that's too good for them. Matt brings her to meet his parents and his brother Simon, who hides his rage about being "the ugly brother" beneath an unfortunate goatee. He looks kind of like "evil" Ricky Gervais. Brilliant!
Chelsea wisely keeps the shoulders covered. Matt's mom could not be more British if she was smacked in the teeth with a shovel. Actually, she looks like Helen Mirren after getting smacked in the face with a shovel.
Oh my God! The Bachelorette starts NEXT WEEK. And it's 2 hours long! Can I have some rest, ABC? For fuck's sake.
Lamas is next. Can he really propose to a 22 year old? Not only that, she's 22 years old and Lamas. That's a lot of young and crazy. She meets the family and immediately starts lying. They ask about her acting career, and she says "I started on a soap opera and worked my way up and now I'm doing film". Uh, what were you doing with one line on my crappy show? Was that a cameo? Oh Lamas. Somehow, she wins Matt's family over - maybe it was the lying.
But darn it, there is something loveable about Lamas. She is a rare bird for this show, because she's always a little different than you think. This may sound insane, but she's smarter and more mature than meets the eye. She's kind of a typical LA/Malibu chick, where a lot of shit happened to her very young and while she may be crazy because of it, she's also a little beyond it at this point. She's all spiritual and 12 steppy, I don't know if that makes sense, but it's a Drew Barrymore thing - her parents are crazy and she had to be an adult by the time she was 8.
Ah, the sad budget of this show - they have to go back to Barbados because the hotel is sponsoring the show. In my day they traveled all around the world in every episode! There were fantasy suites in every language! Hot tubs on every continent with STD's of every type! Herpes in Hawaii! The Clap in Cairo! Chlamydia in Chad!
Matt and Shoulders go back to the fantasy suite...again, and declare their love for each other. Somewhere Amanda is going he did that shit to me last week! And she is right.
Lamas is in Barbados too! They go parasailing, and Matt calls Lamas a "monkey" - but in a good way. Coincidently, her dad once co-starred with a monkey in a straight to video release in the mid-nineties.
Lamas gives Matt a "gift" - a photo of her on the beach writing "i love you" in the sand. Matt tells Lamas that he's falling in love with her too. Somewhere Chelsea is going "but he just said that to me!" And she is right.
Matt does the fake thing where he says "I haven't made my decision yet". Dude, come on. You're better than that.
Matt hasn't made a decision yet, but he does buy a ring. So we're supposed to believe that he wants to get engaged to both of them? Uh, oh, Chelsea is wearing a shoulder revealing outfit, that could make his mind up.
Arriving in the first limo is...
CHELSEA. Not a surprise. And now the most uncomfortable moment in all of television.
You know what there hasn't been a lot of this season? The girl's feelings about each other. We have no idea what Lamas thinks of Chelsea, or vice versa. Usually there's something, "she's too young", or "look at those shoulders", but nothing. I kinda miss that.
Matt breaks her heart and I can barely watch. She's visibly upset...and really tan. She goes off a little bit and it's pretty good - she's surprisingly well spoken about it. Matt very cooly is all, "at times I thought you were the one...now let's get you to the limo so I can propose to the girl who is really the one". BUT...
Before they can get there, Chelsea stops and gets pissed! And for the first time we hear her talk shit about Lamas. "I don't understand, she's the falsest person here!" Nice! That's so weird, I was just asking for that. Man, that book "The Secret" really works. Matt defends Lamas, but Chelsea's not buying. Matt is pretty slick with the whole thing. He does not waver. After watching him, I am more and more convinced that I am not a real man.
In the limo, Chelsea says "he is a fool!" I love how people in reality shows always pretend like they can never get eliminated. Somebody has to get tossed, it's just math, motherfuckers.
Lamas is the one. Wow. I totally talked about this with her when she was on set. Remember? She said I'd "be happy with the way it goes". Why would I be happy that she ends up with him? Did I look like that good of a dude that I'd be happy about not getting the chance to have sex with her? Cause I'm not. She was glowing about him though when she talked. It seemed hard to believe she'd be that happy if she had gotten dumped.
BUT WAIT, will Matt pull the Kelly Taylor and choose himself? Nope, he asks monkey to marry him. Monkey is shocked, monkey love Matt, monkey say yes.
They kiss in front of the ocean, and dammit if Chris Harrison wasn't right: it's the most romantic finale in Bachelor history! Stay tuned for next month's most awkward "things just didn't work out" press release ever!
Saturday, May 10, 2008
"He Wants Us to Move the Island"
Due to my brutal work schedule, I wasn't able to watch "Lost" until this morning. I have absolutely nothing to say about it other than, what the HELL is going on? If you have any comments/thoughts, please for the love of Jacob post them.
I'd love to hear anything, but especially thoughts on what Locke's back story meant. Was it just that he's always been denying his destiny and then at the end finally embraced it? It seemed like he was always the "chosen one" but not accepting it. Also, what the hell is Claire so happy about? Was she on drugs? Was that really her? Does anyone else find her more attractive with a plumper face or was that just me? What is that thing on the bad guy's arm? Does it ever boggle your mind that the same network that offers up Ian Ziering in a dancing contest also gives us this genius?
Ah, more questions...
I'd love to hear anything, but especially thoughts on what Locke's back story meant. Was it just that he's always been denying his destiny and then at the end finally embraced it? It seemed like he was always the "chosen one" but not accepting it. Also, what the hell is Claire so happy about? Was she on drugs? Was that really her? Does anyone else find her more attractive with a plumper face or was that just me? What is that thing on the bad guy's arm? Does it ever boggle your mind that the same network that offers up Ian Ziering in a dancing contest also gives us this genius?
Ah, more questions...
Friday, May 09, 2008
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Awkward Moment at the Office
In a room full of dudes...
BOSS: Did you see that Mariah Carey tied The Beatles for most #1 singles?
EVERYONE ELSE: (shocked) No!
BOSS: That's unbelievable, can anyone even name 3 Mariah Carey songs?
ME: Touch My Body, One Sweet Day, Honey, Dreamlover, Vision of Love, Emotions, Shake it Off...
Awkward silence.
ME: I'm gonna go have sex with another man now.
BOSS: Did you see that Mariah Carey tied The Beatles for most #1 singles?
EVERYONE ELSE: (shocked) No!
BOSS: That's unbelievable, can anyone even name 3 Mariah Carey songs?
ME: Touch My Body, One Sweet Day, Honey, Dreamlover, Vision of Love, Emotions, Shake it Off...
Awkward silence.
ME: I'm gonna go have sex with another man now.
Monday, May 05, 2008
The Girls Tell All, But Irwin Takes the Night Off
Hello all,
I apologize but there isn't a recap of "The Bachelor: The Girls Tell All" this week. Why? Because I'm still at work and the show is currently on. If it was a real episode maybe I'd do it in the morning, but I'm tired, y'all. Brotha needs the rest of the night off.
I'm not gonna completely let you down though, here's a recap of what most likely happened:
An audience full of overweight white women.
A bunch of video clips humorously edited together.
Everyone hates Robin.
Amanda is still bitter.
Matt feels bad (but doesn't really feel bad).
Matt's "in love", most likely with "the perfect girl".
I apologize, but I'll be back for the finale next week!
I apologize but there isn't a recap of "The Bachelor: The Girls Tell All" this week. Why? Because I'm still at work and the show is currently on. If it was a real episode maybe I'd do it in the morning, but I'm tired, y'all. Brotha needs the rest of the night off.
I'm not gonna completely let you down though, here's a recap of what most likely happened:
An audience full of overweight white women.
A bunch of video clips humorously edited together.
Everyone hates Robin.
Amanda is still bitter.
Matt feels bad (but doesn't really feel bad).
Matt's "in love", most likely with "the perfect girl".
I apologize, but I'll be back for the finale next week!
Friday, May 02, 2008
My Sister Doesn't Like Flash Forwards
(this is about "lost", for those of you non "lost" watching bastards)
She gets depressed knowing the ending. Especially because it seems like such a depressing ending. I respect that. In general, it's not good practice to shout out the ending of a story while you're in the middle of telling it.
"There's this kid, and a psychiatrist and he's dead!"
"There's this bad guy, Keyzer Soze, Kevin Spacey!"
"He takes his whole family on a trip, Wally World's closed!"
This is probably the reason people with Teret's Syndrome are not good story tellers. But I disagree with my sister. I love flash forwards. The flash forwards in "Lost" are genius. They've not only added an extra layer to everything, they've also cleverly made the end the middle and the middle the end.
I loved last night's episode. I think I've loved all of "Jack" episodes. I also love "future Kate". It's amazing how much hotter future Kate is than present Kate. I want the helicopter to come back to the island just so they can air drop Kate some low cut tops and boy shorts.
Again, I loved last night's episode. But I really thought they were gonna zing us at the end. With "Lost", you're always on guard for the zing. And when you don't get it, you're like, where's my zing? But regardless, it was sick. One question though:
Are we to understand that Jack's descent into full beardedness is a result of what Hurley said? In other words, does he start to lose it because he thinks they're in heaven? Cause isn't that generally regarded as a good thing? There weren't 72 virgins, but 1 whorey Kate should make up for that. You're in heaven, dog! Live it up. Bang Kate, raise a kid, fix spines, it's all good!
Or is it just seeing visions of his dad that bums him out? We don't know. But clearly Jack's dad is some sort of key to a lot of this. He was sitting in Jacob's chair. His white shoes were hanging in the jungle next to Jack in the pilot episode. He's dad to two of the characters. How does he relate to Dharma? Or to the Australian dude from "The O.C."? Or Ben?
And an even bigger question (at least to me): was last season's finale, where Jack is yelling "we have to go back!", the last moment of the entire show, or we'll we see what happens after that? If that's the end, then I understand why my sister doesn't like flash forwards. Cause that's just sad.
Gee, what a shock - a "Lost" episode that poses unanswerable questions. Fuck I love this show.
She gets depressed knowing the ending. Especially because it seems like such a depressing ending. I respect that. In general, it's not good practice to shout out the ending of a story while you're in the middle of telling it.
"There's this kid, and a psychiatrist and he's dead!"
"There's this bad guy, Keyzer Soze, Kevin Spacey!"
"He takes his whole family on a trip, Wally World's closed!"
This is probably the reason people with Teret's Syndrome are not good story tellers. But I disagree with my sister. I love flash forwards. The flash forwards in "Lost" are genius. They've not only added an extra layer to everything, they've also cleverly made the end the middle and the middle the end.
I loved last night's episode. I think I've loved all of "Jack" episodes. I also love "future Kate". It's amazing how much hotter future Kate is than present Kate. I want the helicopter to come back to the island just so they can air drop Kate some low cut tops and boy shorts.
Again, I loved last night's episode. But I really thought they were gonna zing us at the end. With "Lost", you're always on guard for the zing. And when you don't get it, you're like, where's my zing? But regardless, it was sick. One question though:
Are we to understand that Jack's descent into full beardedness is a result of what Hurley said? In other words, does he start to lose it because he thinks they're in heaven? Cause isn't that generally regarded as a good thing? There weren't 72 virgins, but 1 whorey Kate should make up for that. You're in heaven, dog! Live it up. Bang Kate, raise a kid, fix spines, it's all good!
Or is it just seeing visions of his dad that bums him out? We don't know. But clearly Jack's dad is some sort of key to a lot of this. He was sitting in Jacob's chair. His white shoes were hanging in the jungle next to Jack in the pilot episode. He's dad to two of the characters. How does he relate to Dharma? Or to the Australian dude from "The O.C."? Or Ben?
And an even bigger question (at least to me): was last season's finale, where Jack is yelling "we have to go back!", the last moment of the entire show, or we'll we see what happens after that? If that's the end, then I understand why my sister doesn't like flash forwards. Cause that's just sad.
Gee, what a shock - a "Lost" episode that poses unanswerable questions. Fuck I love this show.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Joeys
Should grown men still be going with the name "Joey"? This is the question I pose to you. The reason I bring this up is because I had 2 different but equally amazing experiences with Joeys yesterday. The first:
As you may or may not know, I've long been a proponent of the show "Cheaters". Back when I was on "The Soup", I would champion those clips virtually everyday and many times get them on our show. The producers of "Cheaters" were so grateful that they sent us T-Shirts and underwear, they loved being made fun of (and the promotion).
Well, last week my friend and I wrote a "Cheaters" sketch and we shot it yesterday. Since we actually have money here, we were able to fly the host of "Cheaters", Mr. Joey Greco in from Dallas, Texas to play the role of...Mr. Joey Greco. This was a big day for me. I got to hang with Joey and pepper him with "Cheaters" questions!
I have to say, Joey is amazing. No one can play the role of Joey Greco better than Joey Greco. He's got himself nailed. I'm confident that no one can do him better. But right before I introduced myself to him, I thought "do I really call him Joey?". I could go with Mr. Greco, but that seems just a tad too formal for the man who hosts "Cheaters", no? But I was really just hung up on that name, "Joey". He's in his thirties (or forties) for Christ's sake! Joey? Joseph, maybe, Joe even better, but Joey? "Come here, Joey! You can do it, Joey! Time for T-ball practice, Joey!"
Anyway, I ended up saying: "Hey, Joey, I'm Irwin Handleman, I'm the writer". He was great, had a terrific sense of humor about the whole thing, and again, played the part of Joey Greco to perfection. And by the end of the day I was quite comfortable with my new friend "Joey".
Second Joey thing yesterday:
The new "Real World", which is in Hollywood, was on last night. I don't know if you've been watching it, but there might be the biggest douche in "Real World" history on it - and if you've watched "The Real World", that's really saying something. He's overly buff, like steroids buff, he's got bug eyes, and his hair is overly gelled - the sides are pushed forward and the top goes straight up. And his name is, you guessed it, Joey.
I'd been looking forward to this episode all week because the teases have been so fantastic, and it didn't disappoint. Here's what happened: it's revealed that Joey is an alcoholic - even though he's like 21 years old. What, is he on the Bailey Salinger/Dylan McKay drinking plan? And he likes another girl in the house who is a) a stripper and b) a former meth addict. Hey, who wouldn't love that, right?
Anyway, he's one of those guys who gets drunk and then gets angry. After another night of this horribleness, he breaks down to the stripper girl. And it's literally the funniest thing I've seen on TV other than MILF island in a long time. He's sobbing, tears running down his face (but his hair is still "perfectly" gelled) and he goes:
"One day, you guys are gonna wake up and you're gonna say...where's Joey? And Joey's gonna be gone! Joey's gonna be gone!"
This is the kind of thing that doesn't happen to a man named Joe.
(if you wanna watch it, and you should, here it is. The episode was titled, "Where's Joey?"!!!)
As you may or may not know, I've long been a proponent of the show "Cheaters". Back when I was on "The Soup", I would champion those clips virtually everyday and many times get them on our show. The producers of "Cheaters" were so grateful that they sent us T-Shirts and underwear, they loved being made fun of (and the promotion).
Well, last week my friend and I wrote a "Cheaters" sketch and we shot it yesterday. Since we actually have money here, we were able to fly the host of "Cheaters", Mr. Joey Greco in from Dallas, Texas to play the role of...Mr. Joey Greco. This was a big day for me. I got to hang with Joey and pepper him with "Cheaters" questions!
I have to say, Joey is amazing. No one can play the role of Joey Greco better than Joey Greco. He's got himself nailed. I'm confident that no one can do him better. But right before I introduced myself to him, I thought "do I really call him Joey?". I could go with Mr. Greco, but that seems just a tad too formal for the man who hosts "Cheaters", no? But I was really just hung up on that name, "Joey". He's in his thirties (or forties) for Christ's sake! Joey? Joseph, maybe, Joe even better, but Joey? "Come here, Joey! You can do it, Joey! Time for T-ball practice, Joey!"
Anyway, I ended up saying: "Hey, Joey, I'm Irwin Handleman, I'm the writer". He was great, had a terrific sense of humor about the whole thing, and again, played the part of Joey Greco to perfection. And by the end of the day I was quite comfortable with my new friend "Joey".
Second Joey thing yesterday:
The new "Real World", which is in Hollywood, was on last night. I don't know if you've been watching it, but there might be the biggest douche in "Real World" history on it - and if you've watched "The Real World", that's really saying something. He's overly buff, like steroids buff, he's got bug eyes, and his hair is overly gelled - the sides are pushed forward and the top goes straight up. And his name is, you guessed it, Joey.
I'd been looking forward to this episode all week because the teases have been so fantastic, and it didn't disappoint. Here's what happened: it's revealed that Joey is an alcoholic - even though he's like 21 years old. What, is he on the Bailey Salinger/Dylan McKay drinking plan? And he likes another girl in the house who is a) a stripper and b) a former meth addict. Hey, who wouldn't love that, right?
Anyway, he's one of those guys who gets drunk and then gets angry. After another night of this horribleness, he breaks down to the stripper girl. And it's literally the funniest thing I've seen on TV other than MILF island in a long time. He's sobbing, tears running down his face (but his hair is still "perfectly" gelled) and he goes:
"One day, you guys are gonna wake up and you're gonna say...where's Joey? And Joey's gonna be gone! Joey's gonna be gone!"
This is the kind of thing that doesn't happen to a man named Joe.
(if you wanna watch it, and you should, here it is. The episode was titled, "Where's Joey?"!!!)
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