DeAnna the Bachelorette: The Final Three

Sorry for the lack of blogging lately, I've been ridiculously busy with all sorts of crap. But I should be back to full strength in 2 weeks. Luckily for all of us, I've been forcing myself to watch the Bachelorette.

Although maybe it's not so lucky, since DeAnna kicked off the only guy she actually liked. Yeah, that kinda sucks. We're just playing out the string here, aren't we?

BUT, I thought of something interesting this weekend. DeAnna has to pick someone and pretend she loves him. Why? Because Brad dumped her ass and picked no one and she hated him for it! She's couldn't pull a Brad herself, can she? Let's find out...

The first vacation date is in the Bahamas with Jeremy. She immediately says "I'm gonna try and put Graham behind me". Oh Lord. If you liked him so much, why didn't you keep him?! We all know you're not ending up with Jesse, so you might as well have kept the guy you wanted to have sex with. I don't understand women.

She says "I wanna try to have fun with Jeremy". No shit, he's depressing. His three favorite subjects are his dead mom, his dead dad, and other stuff that's dead.

DeAnna and Jeremy have some awkward alone time. She thinks he's being stand off-ish. She thinks that now that Graham's gone, Jeremy is pulling back. So I guess Jeremy was in love with Graham too. 

At dinner, there's more awkwardness. I think this is just how Jeremy really is all the time. Once you get past the dead stuff, he's got nothing else. She wants him to "be himself". But I don't think there's a self for him to be. He's a robot with a fucking six pack, people! 

Jeremy explains that he's "so nervous" because he doesn't want to lose her. He tells her he has fallen in love with her. On cue, she busts out the fantasy suite card. He says...yes! The fantasy suite card is still batting 100 percent!

This date sucked.

The second date is with Jason, the guy with the kid. He's super excited to be with her. Settle down, guy. He was more excited to see her than his kid, whom he abandoned to meet her. Jason says he wants to talk about stuff other than Ty, which leads them to just talking about Ty. 

She is really digging him on this date. She's in love with "fun" Jason. Or more accurately, Jason who doesn't have a kid. She busts out the fantasy suite card. He says...yes! Go, fantasy suite card!

You know what's weird? She blinks excessively unless she's kissing, and then she keeps her eyes crazy wide open.

You know who Jason is? He's Bizarro Graham. He is the exact opposite of Graham. He's just a nice guy, harmless, safe, with little to no danger or sex appeal to him. When Graham is with DeAnna, he's thinking of all the other tang he can get. When Jason is with her, he's thinking about them getting a puppy together. 

Third date is with Jesse The Friend Zone Guy. He will be eliminated later this episode, but let's watch anyway...

DeAnna and Jesse ride horses together in the ocean. Jesse isn't just friend zone guy, he's also "guy who thinks DeAnna is planning the dates" guy. 

They actually do a lot of kissing. Go Jesse! Keep stabbing her with that schnoz, buddy. The producers try their best to convince us that he's not going home tonight. I'm not buying. I'm too much of a savvy Bachelor veteran to fall for that shit.

At dinner, Jesse has some "serious questions" for her. He asks her about having kids and what the living situation would be, and she thinks to herself "Graham wouldn't be annoying me with these stupid questions right now, he'd be banging me in the fantasy suite".

And then she busts out the fantasy suite card. Jesse says "I don't know if I can until I meet your dad..." DeAnna is shocked, "are you for real?" He's joking, dummy...and the fantasy suite wins again!!!

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

JESSE gets the first one! Wow, upset central! 

Jeremy must have blown it more than they even showed. Let's see...

JASON is in. 

Boom! Bye, bye, Mr. Perfect. He was acting like a douche on their date, but that's how he seemed to me the entire time that's why I thought she would still pick him. He's like, wait: I'm a lawyer, I have a washboard stomach, and my parents are dead. What more could I do?

She says they had a bond because of the parents dying thing, but she didn't want to confuse that bond with love. Jeremy says he's never had his heart broken like this, and he's in love with her Wow. And I thought DeAnna wasn't going to break anyone's heart the way Brad did it to her. You see, sweetie, it's impossible. Cause that's the show!

I can't say that was a great hour of TV or anything, but that was a surprising ending. The schnoz has more power than I ever dreamed. 

DeAnna the Bachelorette: Hometown Visits

Ugh, 2 hour episode...

First hometown visit is in Colorado with Jessie, the snowboarder dude aka the dude who is the coolest but only looks good when he's wearing a helmet. He teaches her how to snowboard. Or rather, teaches her how to fall while wearing a snowboard.

DeAnna says Jesse looks just like his dad, but no, he is the twin of his mom. And that's not a good thing. They have the same hair stylist. Luckily for Jesse, they don't have the same dentist. It's funny, DeAnna makes that same frightened face around Jesse's mom that she used to make around Twilley.

How come whenever they go to a state like Colorado or Wyoming, the dad always has to wear one of those old timey western bolo ties? Jesse finally kisses her, and he makes a huge mistake that I'm sure DeAnna was fearing: he literally stabs her in the cheek with his rather pointy schnozz. He boldly refuses to do the head tilt. Afterwards, DeAnna gets 7 stitches to treat the puncture wound.

Next, we head to Dallas, Texas for the hometown visit with Jeremy. He picks her up on his gay motorcycle and brings her to his admittedly very cool house. DeAnna remarks how perfect Jeremy is - perfect guy, perfect job, perfect house...He has a dog. Well, there goes that.

He really is like a robot. I've said it before and I'll say it again, no guy with a job should have a body like that. Jeremy and DeAnna bond over dead moms. He reads her some shit he wrote while she was dying. Yikes. Um, can we get a hot tub scene up in here?!

Jeremy's brothers and sister in law come over and hopefully refrain from talking about people dying. Nope. That is all anyone has talked about on this visit. I'm expecting Haley Joel Osment to come in any second and whisper something in a creepy voice.

Jeremy's brothers "grill" DeAnna. And she responds by getting all blinky.

The third visit is in Seattle with Jason (Jesse, Jeremy, Jason!). He takes her to the space needle. DeAnna is impressed because they get to go to the very top, which is "VIP' - no one gets to go to the top!" Yeah, he's a real VIP...with all those cameras and producers around.

DeAnna wants 3 kids before she's 30. She's 26. These dumb girls and their stupid life plans. Just stop it. Things don't work that way...unless you go on a reality show TWICE to make them work that way.

DeAnna and Jason go to meet his son Ty. How do we feel about this situation? I mean, the dude seems like a nice, if slightly creepy, guy, but leaving your kid to go on "The Bachelor" can't be good. Jason and Ty embrace like Jack and Rose right before the Titanic sinks. This makes DeAnna cry. I think it's because there's no 3 year old kid from some baby mama in her life plan.

They meet the rest of his family, mom, dad, brothers, and sister in law. As they head to dinner together, Jason forces Ty into whatever crawl space he was in while daddy was on a TV show.

They bring Ty back, and he has a noticeable cut on his lip. Then they all do a shot of something in front of him. Britney Spears' kids are like, "damn, that little dude's got it bad". Ty balls his eyes out as Jason leaves him with the other drunken family members to be with a woman who is dating 3 other guys.

And finally, it's Graham time. The handsome but dopey fake basketball player. They shoot hoops, and he proceeds to air ball his first shot. Yep, he's a professional, all right. They can't keep their hands off each other. You almost wish they could move up the fantasy suite episode so she can bang him and get it over with. Graham is her fantasy suite. The man's last name is Bunn, okay?

They go to his parent's house. Graham's dad says "you have to be friends, that's the most important thing". Funny, cause that's exactly what they are not. Even his mom is like "finding someone to last longer than 4 weeks is difficult for him". She thinks he's "lonely", meanwhile the guy is fucking everything that moves.

Later, DeAnna and Graham go outside to "talk". Of course Graham's version of talking is giving one word answers and acting like he doesn't have a single thought in his head. DeAnna thinks this means he's "closed off", but really he just doesn't have a single thought in his head.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Prediction: Jesse is out.

JESSE gets the first rose!!! Wow.

JEREMY gets the second rose.

JASON is in!

Oh snap! She's so bummed because she didn't even get to bang him (that we know of)! You gotta respect DeAnna a little bit here, because she was able to look past the physical and see that he's kind of a loser. Or maybe it was just that his last name is Bunn.

She walks him out and they argue some more. She straight up yells at him. She's so bitter that she had to get rid of him. She admits that she was afraid that she would choose him and he wouldn't choose her back. Girl has issues, true, but she is damn right!

Graham gives her a letter. This makes her cry even more. You see? This is why the Bachelorette is kinda good, because this would never happen on the Bachelor. The guy would keep the hot girl that he liked the most until the end no matter what. But only a girl with really low self esteem would do this. Thank you, Bachelorette, thank you!

And then at the end of this show she basically admits that she doesn't like the other three guys. Nice.

You May Know Her By Her Other Name

Hi, my name is Box Office Poison. 

DeAnna the Bachelorette: Back For More!

I don't know why I'm torturing myself with this, but a Navy wife asked me to and I guess I feel guilty. I'm just getting home from work right now and it's 10:45pm, so no, I'm not watching the "DeAnna tells all" first hour. I'm only discussing the actual episode with DeAnna and the dudes... 

First, let me say how insane it is that Mullet Man and Twilley are still here. That is a bigger indictment on the guys chosen for this than anything else. I'm looking at you, Ron. 

She "takes" the guys to Palm Springs. Snowboarder guy remarks that DeAnna really knows the best places to take them. Dude, she's not in charge of that! Please, stop it. 

First she hangs out with Mullet Man (who cut his mullet) and actually starts to like him a little bit - even though we already know the three she likes. I guess she's forgetting he teaches karate for a living and had a mullet...two days ago.

Twilley gets chosen to go on the next group date and he's disappointed. He says he hasn't understood a lot of DeAnna's decisions. Maybe you'd understand the decisions better if you knew that she is physically repulsed and frightened by you.

Mullet Man and DeAnna have a strange talk about how they share the same "morals, values, and beliefs". Have you ever had a talk like that with anyone ever? Don't you just see that they don't act like a Twilley and Ron and go okay, they're normal. One of Mullet's examples of how they're alike is that his parents live right next door to him. So I guess that means he thinks they're both losers. 

They kiss and she looks dreamily into his eyes. He kicked something off a guy's head to impress you! Kicking is one of his morals and values and/or beliefs! I can't believe this.

More helicopters! For the group date, they take choppers somewhere. I guess DeAnna thinks she's in an episode of "Magnum P.I. Where's T.C. when you need him? DeAnna rides alone with Twilley...who has motion sickness. Nice. One of the guys has a funny line: "I'm guessing Twilley's getting sick or doing something real dumb". Yeah, that pretty much sums him up in any situation.

They ride four wheelers in the desert. I loved this the last time I saw it...when it was on both seasons of "Rock of Love". Jesse shows off. DeAnna says this is the first time she found him "hot". I guess the giant helmet covering his face helped.

Side note: how do Jeremy and Graham's bodies work? Don't these motherfuckers have jobs? No working man can have definition like that. Seriously ladies, enjoy the body but just know there's no cash there (unless they are actual professional athletes...I'm not looking at you, Graham).

Jason and DeAnna have some alone time, and she asks about what it would be like visiting his hometown, Seattle. My guess is rainy.

Jesse is next. She stresses again that she didn't feel the physical thing again until today. Some people have mullets, some have pecs, and Jesse has his ability to do a wheelie on a four wheeler.

And then there's Graham. She's really in love with him. Sweetie, it might be a good idea to go for someone a little less attractive than you. I'm just saying, remember how the last show worked out? Maybe a Jesse or a Jason is a better option at this point. Cause Graham is going to cheat on your (soon to be large) ass. He's pretending to be a professional basketball player and he might be pretending to be into you.

Jeremy gets a one on one date. They go to Frank Sinatra's house, but Frank isn't there. Is it just me or does Jeremy seem mildly retarded? Something about the way he talks and his too perfect abs of steel. They sing karaoke and I get uncomfortable, as I do when anyone sings karaoke.

Just as I type the "Jeremy might be retarded" theory, Twilley calls him a "mutant". But, he corrects himself, "a good kind of mutant". And I meant the good kind of retard.

DeAnna decides that she doesn't need a cocktail party because she knows who she's going to choose. Can we just skip the next 3 episodes then? My prediction: Graham, Jeremy, Jason, and Mullet Man or Jesse...I'll go with Jesse.

ROSE CEREMONY

JEREMY, the mutant/retard gets a rose.

JASON, the baby daddy, is in.

GRAHAM, the handsome liar, gets picked.

JESSE, the man who looks good when his face is covered, gets a rose!

Well, Irwinstradamus strikes again. But this show isn't exactly "Murder, She Wrote". Twilley blames his exit on his "unique personality". Oh, is that what you call scary.

There you have it. Go Navy!

Team Handleman Expands! And Inevitably Disappoints

Let's be honest, we all miss Blumberg, my last agent. The only agent in Hollywood with a blackberry that doesn't work. Despite the comedy he brought all of us, I had to fire him for the sake of my career. 

But before said firing I had to make sure I had a backup. Thus, through friends I acquired a manager at the esteemed Brillstein/Grey. It wasn't an agent, but it was something. He had connections and could submit me for jobs so I would look at least semi-professional. Only one problem, HE HATES EVERYTHING I WRITE.

That's the bad news. The good news was that he was actively trying to hook me up with an agent. And finally it has happened. I have signed with APA, a great agency that is smaller than CAA and ICM, but hopefully will be pay more attention to me (and have blackberries that are operational). 

Also, they are going to work for me on the feature side of things which I am very excited about (I had a feature agent at CAA that Blumberg hooked me up with, but I don't think she knew my name - she's the lady who told me if I had a "Will Ferrell" idea she could get me in a room with Will Ferrell's people, I then told her I had one and she said "did I say Will Ferrell's people? I meant people, I can get you a meeting with just regular people"). 

One of the reasons this new agency thing happened is that I wrote a screenplay these folks liked (I still feel gay saying that I wrote a screenplay even though that's what I do, maybe it's just scar tissue from "In the Mix"). Anyway, I wrote this script and everyone who has read it has really liked it. However, it's a first draft. 

So the first order of business with the new agency was to get notes on it. I got on the phone with the TV guy, the feature guy, and my manager. And the call is going well, and these guys are giving great notes. Then they ask my manager if he has anything to add. 

He goes, "well, I think we have to talk about whether or not this concept is even worth doing". 

Thanks, guy. That's not a note, that's a fucking torpedo. I shot back, "what the hell am I supposed to do about that?" Then the new members of Team Handleman are like, "no, the concept is great. It's just about writing the best script possible. People wanna read broad comedies like this", etc. 

Dude, he is really turning into the new Blumberg. But a meaner one. Blumberg's blackberry wouldn't have allowed him to even be on the call. This guy is actively trying to shoot shit down. I am so pissed about this, I don't even wanna type anymore about it because the anger is coming back all over again.  

Whatever, at least the new boys are on board, and will hopefully act as a counter balance to the negativity. That is the important thing. But we have to give my new agent a nickname. He's Jewish, which is good, my dad taught me you should always have a Jewish agent (Blumberg was not). So I think I have his name figured out. 

I was gonna go with Blumberg 2. But upon further reflection, it's gotta be:

Blumberg Jew. 

Boys and Girls and Ear Melting Chicago Accents

A couple notes about last night's episode of "The Bachelorette"...

Isn't it funny how much looks matter? If Graham looked like Fred he would've been eliminated the first night. But she clearly just wants to bone him, so she forgives his complete disinterest in her. And when she said to Fred "you're going to make some woman extremely happy", I was thinking, "yeah, a less pretty woman". 

My sister brought this up and it's very interesting in terms of the series as a whole and the difference between men and women: DeAnna seems to be the worst "actor" of any Bachelor or Bachelorette in the history of the show. She cannot hide her complete disdain for these douchebags. You can tell when she is talking to someone she is just physically repulsed by them. It's really funny, especially because I am repulsed by them too. I'm talking to you, Bobbie. 

Normally, it's harder to tell that they don't like someone. But this girl, it is quite obvious. In some ways, it's great to see. In other ways, it kinda sucks because it is so clear who she likes and who she doesn't. There's no mystery at this point.

So I started thinking...why have we never seen this before? I think it's because the guys on the show, no matter how lame the girls are, would still probably have sex with them. But when the women are the Bachelorette, in the words of Will Smith, "aw hell no!" She is not banging Fred or Robert or Twilley in a million fucking years. So there's no reason for her to even put up a front of liking them. But men, we figure "hey, if it all goes to shit, I gotta keep the possibility of having sex with this dumb girl alive...just in case". It's the old Chris Rock "pussy in a glass case, don't break in case of emergency" thing.

Here's the other thing my sister brought up: it's so annoying how she keeps bringing up Brad and "not wanting to hurt someone the way he hurt her". Dude, that's the show! People are going to get hurt, that's why we're watching.

Does she really think she can get through this without fucking someone over? I hate when these reality people refuse to acknowledge that someone has to get eliminated every week. I hate to break it you, but you are going to have to keep someone around until the end and then tell them to hit the road (or limo, as it were). It's unavoidable. So shut the hell up about it!

And finally, Chicago accents. I hate Chicago accents. There is no worse accent in the history of the world. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, watch Fred on this show. It's all in the "a's". Which doesn't help when you're trying to woo a girl named DeAnna. 

We've had two people in the office with that accent, and I've literally had to shut my door to block the sound of them out. But it's weird, some people don't notice it. My friend dated one of these accented freaks, and had no idea what I was talking about. Dude, I don't care if Mila Kunis herself wanted me, if she has that accent, she might as well have a cat or a dog or an all soup diet. Not gonna happen.   

It's a F#@&ing Horse!

The Belmont Stakes was this weekend. The heavy favorite was Big Brown, who already had pretty easily won the Preakness and the Kentucky Derby. If he won at Belmont, he'd be the first triple crown winner since 1978.

No one cares about horse racing until these 3 races, and even then, no one cares. But seemingly every year a horse wins the first two races and then gets tons of hype about how "special" he is. And then every year that "special" horse gets his ass handed to him in the Belmont.

There are two reasons why this keeps happening. The first is that the Belmont is a longer race than the other two. The second is that they're fucking horses! They don't know what the hell is going on. A midget sits on their back, a bunch of people are looking at them, they hear a loud bell, they make a run for it. They don't know!

My point is, they are big dumb animals. They are fucking horses.

But animal lovers and degenerate gamblers don't see it that way. And thus I had to listen to these idiots talk about Big Brown like he actually knows what is going on in the world.

This is a quote from one of Big Brown's trainers:

“He’s already, like, a step away from talking,” she said. “His facial expressions are so clear, you know exactly what he wants. And when he sees those cameras, it’s unbelievable. He’s like, ‘I’m over here. You can take my picture now.’

Know what he's actually thinking when he sees the cameras? "Help me, motherfuckers!" Let me run free! This dumb bitch thinks I can talk!"

It's a fucking horse!

“Try and tell him what to do,” she added, “and he gets mad. He thinks he already knows everything.”

Or maybe he's actually mad about the imprisonment and the constant whipping.

It's a fucking horse!

But wait, it gets crazier:

"He will give the paparazzi exactly what they want, then lap up and savor every last bit of that attention."

The paparazzi? Is she talking about Big Brown or Dina Lohan? I'm guessing that Big Brown doesn't like attention as much as he likes, oh I don't know, eating and shitting!

It's a fucking horse!

So after hearing this constant media push about how "special" this horse is, how much better it is than all the other horses, Big Brown went out and came in last. And you know why the greatest equine of our generation didn't run the way people thought he would?

Cause he's a fucking horse!

I guess the good news is they didn't shoot any of the horses in the head after the race, so they have that going for them, which is nice.

My Closing Arguments in the R. Kelly Case

Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, you must now decide whether or not my client, R. Kelly aka The R aka The Pied Piper aka Mr. Showbiz aka Pimp Luscious aka Kells aka "Ya Boyfriend", is guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.

Beyond a reasonable doubt.

The Prosecution's key piece of evidence in this trial is a videotape that may or may not show two people hanging out, doing some stuff, and emptying their bladders, which is very healthy by the way. "Holding it" can do serious harm to the kidneys. You know I've heard a lot of talk throughout this case about sexual deviancy, pedophilia, and golden showers, but I think the real crime is the damage being done to kidneys all across this country!

Plus, even if it was my client, which it was not, how do you know that right before the video starts rolling this girl wasn't stung by a jelly fish? Cause if she was, my client - which it wasn't - might've saved her life. In that case, his pee was like penicillin!

Now, keep in mind that the "victim" in this case denies that the woman in the tape is even her. Seven of her family members have testified that it's not her. This is a travesty of justice! If it's not her, then who is the woman in the tape? The prosecutors and the police should be out looking for the real jelly fish victim.

So I believe we have proven, beyond a reasonable doubt, that my client is not guilty. And if that isn't enough for you, let me leave you with some lyrics by Mr. Kelly that show he could not and would not commit this crime.

First, check out these prescient words from the song "Bump N' Grind (the remix):

Don't front, you know, about the rodeo show/

So show me some ID/

Before we get any deep into it I don't see...

I don't see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind/

Did you hear that? "Show me some ID". That's not only a responsible precautionary measure before engaging in sexual activity, that's just good manners.

And listen to this, from the song "Sweet Tooth"...

Baby I'm tempted to taste/

I can't wait to drink your milk/

Your looking like a big ol' piece of cake/

I'm all up in your middle/

Oooh it tastes like skittles/

Milk, cake, skittles...no mention of urine here whatsoever.

And finally, check out these lyrics from "The Zoo"...

Girl, I got you so wet/

It's like a rain forest/

Like Jurassic Park/

Except I'm your sex-a-saurus baby/

He clearly sang "Sex-a-saurus" there. Not "Kidsex-a-saurus", just regular ol' sex-a-saurus, which if you took a high school history class you know that sex-a-saurus' were both carnivorous and into consensual intercourse!

Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I urge you to set this man free. If not because you believe him to be a great man, then because there are 20 more installments of "Trapped in the Closet" to be written!