My grandma is a real sweet lady. But she has a secret. A deep, dark secret. And I feel like it's time to expose it...
The truth about her is that she is probably responsible for more domestic terrorism than Al Qaeda. She hasn't planted any bombs, or mailed any anthrax, or flown any planes, she's an old fashioned terrorist. She is the reason millions of Americans are rude to millions more of Americans.
You know how when you're learning to drive, and the instructor tells you to act like every other driver on the road doesn't know what they're doing. My grandma is the reason for that rule. She doesn't know what she's doing. Or when you're in a long supermarket line and there's that one old lady with a million coupons who is acting like the debit card machine is some kind of crazy futuristic contraption from a Bond film and can't figure out how to work it? You know my grandma! You know when you go to get your oil changed and they say your "rear differential system" is busted and instead of 30 bucks they need 400 bucks to fix it? My grandma was the first one to fall for that. It worked on her and they expanded it to the general population.
You've heard of the Geek Squad? It was originally the "Grandma Squad". Apple Care? Grandma Care. She's to blame for outsourcing! Americans couldn't take it anymore, and now Indians think we're a nation of my grandma.
So the next time you call customer support for your computer and the person on the other end rudely asks you to unplug it and plug it back in like you haven't already done it, blame my Grandma. She's the one who didn't think to do that.
The weird thing about my Grandma is that despite being old and unable to hear, she lives totally independently. She's amazing. But when she comes around family, suddenly she is unable to do anything. She'll be like, "Irwin, can you show me how to log into my yahoo?" "Uh, it's the same as it your house, Grandma". "I can't figure it out". Or she'll come in and go "Can someone park my car for me?". An infamous family story is the time she asked me if I knew how to read. I was 12 years old.
I know what some of you are thinking - "she's old, she's allowed to be like that". Okay, but consider this: John McCain has a good shot to be President. We could be looking at President Grandma! "Mr. Prime Minister, President Grandma is outside, and...he needs you to park Air Force One for him".
(IRWIN'S NOTE: I am going to Boston and Chicago for the next week, so most likely there won't be any posts until I get back. I'm doing a research study to try and prove once and for all which accent is the most horrible. Hopefully I'll survive without cutting my ears off)
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Things I learned from the Unauthorized Tom Cruise Biography
For some reason, I read the unauthorized biography of Tom Cruise by Andrew Morton this weekend. Now I've been unavailable to keep myself from telling people facts about Tom Cruise that they don't care about:
-Tom Cruise's nickname in high school was "Maypo" (his real name then was Thomas Mapother). As in, "man that Maypo is crazy". From now on, Tom Cruise will forever be known as Maypo on this blog.
-Maypo hates to be alone
-Maypo's best friend when he left high school was Sean Penn
-As crazy and calculating as you may think Maypo is about Scientology, Mimi Rogers might've been twice as bad
-His best man at his first wedding (to Mimi Rogers) was Emilio Estevez. His best man at his second wedding? Dustin Hoffman. Third wedding: David Miscavige - the head of Scientology
-Maypo had another nickname: Laser Head
-The legendary producer Don Simpson used to throw big parties every friday during the "Top Gun" shoot, at these parties Kelly McGillis "swung both ways"
-Maypo is one of those boyfriends who sends notes and flowers every two seconds. Literally, every two seconds. Ladies, do you not see this as a warning sign at this point? What women are still considering that a good thing? Don't you know that's what Ike Turner did? Ike Turner! OJ got Nicole a Ferrari. If a guy gets you a Ferrari, you can be sure that he expects you never to look at another man for the rest of your life. Love notes and flowers multiple times a day is not normal guy behavior. If it happens to you, don't tell your girlfriends how lucky you are. Run!
-Just about every one of Maypo's "lovers" has cheated on him
-Early on in their relationship, Katie Holmes was doing a bunch of interviews for "Batman" and the session was interrupted by a gift from Maypo. She opened it and realized it was a present from him and yelled out proudly "that's my man! That's my man!" I don't know why, but that really makes me laugh. Katie Holmes = Doug Christie's wife.
-One of Maypo's best friends died in the World Trade Center on 9/11. It made him believe that LRH (That's L. Ron Hubbard for you those of you who aren't in the know) was right about everything and he needed to be way crazier into Scientology.
-Katie Holmes first hooked up with the Beek, then hooked up with Pacey, and then the Beek hated Pacey for the rest of the show. Art imitated life, friends.
-By all accounts, Maypo is a good dad (except for that whole indoctrination into a cult thing)
-I had heard Maypo was going to sue over this book, but I was surprised to read that, at least according to this (shitty) author, Maypo is a raging heterosexual
-Tom Cruise's nickname in high school was "Maypo" (his real name then was Thomas Mapother). As in, "man that Maypo is crazy". From now on, Tom Cruise will forever be known as Maypo on this blog.
-Maypo hates to be alone
-Maypo's best friend when he left high school was Sean Penn
-As crazy and calculating as you may think Maypo is about Scientology, Mimi Rogers might've been twice as bad
-His best man at his first wedding (to Mimi Rogers) was Emilio Estevez. His best man at his second wedding? Dustin Hoffman. Third wedding: David Miscavige - the head of Scientology
-Maypo had another nickname: Laser Head
-The legendary producer Don Simpson used to throw big parties every friday during the "Top Gun" shoot, at these parties Kelly McGillis "swung both ways"
-Maypo is one of those boyfriends who sends notes and flowers every two seconds. Literally, every two seconds. Ladies, do you not see this as a warning sign at this point? What women are still considering that a good thing? Don't you know that's what Ike Turner did? Ike Turner! OJ got Nicole a Ferrari. If a guy gets you a Ferrari, you can be sure that he expects you never to look at another man for the rest of your life. Love notes and flowers multiple times a day is not normal guy behavior. If it happens to you, don't tell your girlfriends how lucky you are. Run!
-Just about every one of Maypo's "lovers" has cheated on him
-Early on in their relationship, Katie Holmes was doing a bunch of interviews for "Batman" and the session was interrupted by a gift from Maypo. She opened it and realized it was a present from him and yelled out proudly "that's my man! That's my man!" I don't know why, but that really makes me laugh. Katie Holmes = Doug Christie's wife.
-One of Maypo's best friends died in the World Trade Center on 9/11. It made him believe that LRH (That's L. Ron Hubbard for you those of you who aren't in the know) was right about everything and he needed to be way crazier into Scientology.
-Katie Holmes first hooked up with the Beek, then hooked up with Pacey, and then the Beek hated Pacey for the rest of the show. Art imitated life, friends.
-By all accounts, Maypo is a good dad (except for that whole indoctrination into a cult thing)
-I had heard Maypo was going to sue over this book, but I was surprised to read that, at least according to this (shitty) author, Maypo is a raging heterosexual
Monday, July 28, 2008
Charlie Sheen
Does anybody else find it insane that Charlie Sheen is on the #1 watched comedy on CBS and does commercials with Michael Jordan for Haynes?
You know he called his wife the n-word, right? Who else could get away with this? Michael Richards says the n-word and he's never heard from again. He's a pariah. Charlie Sheen does it and he 's America's sweetheart.
Dude, he called Denise Richards the N-word. Do you understand? Denise Richards! The n-word! Does the world know about this? Does Michael Jordan? Then he wrote a half baked (instead of the usual fully baked) apology where he claimed to be big into race relations because the best man at two of his weddings was black.
When I was at E!, we had video of Charlie Sheen calling Heidi Fleiss a "jew bitch". Of all the things to call Heidi Fleiss..."jew bitch"? How about whore? Or fish lips? Or Mask? Or whore mask? Or vagina echo? Why you gotta bring jew into it, there are so many other things.
This guy is the highest paid actor on TV! On fucking CBS.
By the way, how mad can Denise Richards get someone when cunt no longer gets the job done? "You know what, Denise? Cunt isn't cutting it for you, I'm going N-word."
This whole thing proves that the best thing to do in Hollywood is just be the worst person in the world. Literally, nothing Charlie does now would surprise you?
ME: "Did you hear? Charlie Sheen took a shit on a hooker!"
YOU: "Didn't that happen like 10 years ago?"
So don't be a beloved wacky neighbor, or a Greek gambler, be a whore loving, coke snorting, extremely whore loving moron. And then when you call the mother of your kids the N-word, people just go "That's Sheen for you".
You know he called his wife the n-word, right? Who else could get away with this? Michael Richards says the n-word and he's never heard from again. He's a pariah. Charlie Sheen does it and he 's America's sweetheart.
Dude, he called Denise Richards the N-word. Do you understand? Denise Richards! The n-word! Does the world know about this? Does Michael Jordan? Then he wrote a half baked (instead of the usual fully baked) apology where he claimed to be big into race relations because the best man at two of his weddings was black.
When I was at E!, we had video of Charlie Sheen calling Heidi Fleiss a "jew bitch". Of all the things to call Heidi Fleiss..."jew bitch"? How about whore? Or fish lips? Or Mask? Or whore mask? Or vagina echo? Why you gotta bring jew into it, there are so many other things.
This guy is the highest paid actor on TV! On fucking CBS.
By the way, how mad can Denise Richards get someone when cunt no longer gets the job done? "You know what, Denise? Cunt isn't cutting it for you, I'm going N-word."
This whole thing proves that the best thing to do in Hollywood is just be the worst person in the world. Literally, nothing Charlie does now would surprise you?
ME: "Did you hear? Charlie Sheen took a shit on a hooker!"
YOU: "Didn't that happen like 10 years ago?"
So don't be a beloved wacky neighbor, or a Greek gambler, be a whore loving, coke snorting, extremely whore loving moron. And then when you call the mother of your kids the N-word, people just go "That's Sheen for you".
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Shut Up, Feminists
Joss Whedon is a television and film writer. He wrote the "Toy Story" and "Buffy the Vampire Slayer movies, as well as the TV shows "Buffy", "Angel", and "Firefly". I don't think "Angel" or "Firefly" or "Serenity" mean much to most people - I guarantee my friends and family have never even heard of these things - but for some reason they are a big deal to nerds.
If you haven't heard, now Joss has created an internet mini-movie called "Dr. Horrible's Sing a Long Blog". It stars Doogie Howser as Dr. Horrible, the "villain", Nathan Fillion - the Jason Bateman lookalike - as the "hero", and Felicia Day - who I personally discovered for a student film I did a long time ago - as "the girl". It's a light-hearted comedy/musical that puts a twist on the superhero thing by having the bad guy be the good guy and vice versa. That's it. It's light and fun and entertaining, nothing to make a big deal about.
But it is a big deal.
Anything that Whedon does now becomes some kind of a flash point for every nerd on the internet. But not just nerds. Also, feminists. Why? Well, I didn't realize this until very recently but Joss has become some kind of feminist hero because his stories often revolve around a heroic, well developed (and I don't mean her boobs) female character.
The hero of "Buffy" is an ass kicking vampire slayer. The hero of his upcoming series "Dollhouse" is ass kicking Eliza Dushku. And the list goes on. Feminists love the way this guy develops female characters and makes them three dimensional and interesting.
But now the feminists are pissed.
The girl in Dr. Horrible's Sing a Long blog is, gasp, not the hero! She's just a, gulp, regular girl! Oh no.
These so called feminists are in an uproar that this girl is only the love interest, and that she needs to be rescued by men, and that she wasn't important in her own right. Hmm, okay. But consider this:
Not every woman in every story can be an ass kicker. Some girls are like me, they're pussies. And also, the thing is a PARODY! The whole point of it is to tweak the conventions of the old fashioned superhero story. "The Girl" in this is making fun of "the girl" in a million other superhero stories, just as "the hero" and "the villain" are making fun of every hero and villain we've all seen a thousand times. It's a parody, dumbasses! The shit was on purpose.
Now, I consider myself a feminist, as feminism is defined as "a belief in equality of the sexes". I definitely believe in equality of the sexes. Heck, I believe in the equality of everyone...except for the elderly, they should be put in camps. But these feminists...by the same logic I should be pissed that the two male leads are made to look like buffoons. Oh man, Whedon isn't reppin' the brothas! He's making us all look like retards! The girl is smart and generous and good, and the guys are assholes. He's bringing the gender down.
Who fucking cares! It's a musical...on the internet...that's a parody! So let me just sum up by saying, Dr. Horrible is funny, "Buffy" the TV show and all monster of the week shows suck, and oh yeah, lighten up, bitches!
If you haven't heard, now Joss has created an internet mini-movie called "Dr. Horrible's Sing a Long Blog". It stars Doogie Howser as Dr. Horrible, the "villain", Nathan Fillion - the Jason Bateman lookalike - as the "hero", and Felicia Day - who I personally discovered for a student film I did a long time ago - as "the girl". It's a light-hearted comedy/musical that puts a twist on the superhero thing by having the bad guy be the good guy and vice versa. That's it. It's light and fun and entertaining, nothing to make a big deal about.
But it is a big deal.
Anything that Whedon does now becomes some kind of a flash point for every nerd on the internet. But not just nerds. Also, feminists. Why? Well, I didn't realize this until very recently but Joss has become some kind of feminist hero because his stories often revolve around a heroic, well developed (and I don't mean her boobs) female character.
The hero of "Buffy" is an ass kicking vampire slayer. The hero of his upcoming series "Dollhouse" is ass kicking Eliza Dushku. And the list goes on. Feminists love the way this guy develops female characters and makes them three dimensional and interesting.
But now the feminists are pissed.
The girl in Dr. Horrible's Sing a Long blog is, gasp, not the hero! She's just a, gulp, regular girl! Oh no.
These so called feminists are in an uproar that this girl is only the love interest, and that she needs to be rescued by men, and that she wasn't important in her own right. Hmm, okay. But consider this:
Not every woman in every story can be an ass kicker. Some girls are like me, they're pussies. And also, the thing is a PARODY! The whole point of it is to tweak the conventions of the old fashioned superhero story. "The Girl" in this is making fun of "the girl" in a million other superhero stories, just as "the hero" and "the villain" are making fun of every hero and villain we've all seen a thousand times. It's a parody, dumbasses! The shit was on purpose.
Now, I consider myself a feminist, as feminism is defined as "a belief in equality of the sexes". I definitely believe in equality of the sexes. Heck, I believe in the equality of everyone...except for the elderly, they should be put in camps. But these feminists...by the same logic I should be pissed that the two male leads are made to look like buffoons. Oh man, Whedon isn't reppin' the brothas! He's making us all look like retards! The girl is smart and generous and good, and the guys are assholes. He's bringing the gender down.
Who fucking cares! It's a musical...on the internet...that's a parody! So let me just sum up by saying, Dr. Horrible is funny, "Buffy" the TV show and all monster of the week shows suck, and oh yeah, lighten up, bitches!
Sunday, July 20, 2008
I'm Done With Movie Critics
I think I've seen more movies in the theater the last couple months than any other period of my life. It's a streak that began, ignominiously enough, with "Step Up 2" on it's opening night. Shut up, this time they took it to "the streets!" .
I've always been a big proponent of rottentomatoes.com, which takes every movie critic's review to form a percentage of much liked they liked a particular film. So 100% is the best you can get and 0% is the worst. "In the Mix" famously garnered a 6% score, so it can be a pretty good judge of how good (or in that case bad) a movie is. But not always.
At various times I've been shocked at how off reviews have been, but this movie season I have reached my breaking point. I've come to realize that all movie critics are fucking retards. And thus, I am longer taking their opinion into consideration. Ever. That's a solemn vow to you. Why?
Let's take a look at some movies this year:
"Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" - this fact cannot be argued: it's the worst movie of the summer. An abomination. I love Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford, and I hate people who can't get over the past and just enjoy movies. I like "Indiana Jones" but I have no weird sentimentality towards it, I just wanted to enjoy the latest one. But the story just didn't work. It didn't.
Rotten Tomatoes score = 76%. Seventy freaking six percent!
What a joke. When I left the theater after this movie, I heard multiple people say some variation of "I want the last 2 and a half hours of my life back". Word.
"Sex and the City" - okay, I didn't actually see this movie. But I talk to a lot of girls, and I have not met one girl who didn't LOVE this movie. Even Pamie, a notorious hater, loved it.
Rotten Tomatoes score = 51%
"Hancock" - I really enjoyed "Hancock", it's probably second to "Iron Man" for the summer for me. The best part about it - I can't believe this hasn't been mentioned anywhere - it's 93 minutes long!!! Why isn't this being celebrated? It is a tight movie. This is how big movies should be, and I thought that's what we all wanted, yet I haven't heard a thing about it.
I've always been a big proponent of rottentomatoes.com, which takes every movie critic's review to form a percentage of much liked they liked a particular film. So 100% is the best you can get and 0% is the worst. "In the Mix" famously garnered a 6% score, so it can be a pretty good judge of how good (or in that case bad) a movie is. But not always.
At various times I've been shocked at how off reviews have been, but this movie season I have reached my breaking point. I've come to realize that all movie critics are fucking retards. And thus, I am longer taking their opinion into consideration. Ever. That's a solemn vow to you. Why?
Let's take a look at some movies this year:
"Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" - this fact cannot be argued: it's the worst movie of the summer. An abomination. I love Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford, and I hate people who can't get over the past and just enjoy movies. I like "Indiana Jones" but I have no weird sentimentality towards it, I just wanted to enjoy the latest one. But the story just didn't work. It didn't.
Rotten Tomatoes score = 76%. Seventy freaking six percent!
What a joke. When I left the theater after this movie, I heard multiple people say some variation of "I want the last 2 and a half hours of my life back". Word.
"Sex and the City" - okay, I didn't actually see this movie. But I talk to a lot of girls, and I have not met one girl who didn't LOVE this movie. Even Pamie, a notorious hater, loved it.
Rotten Tomatoes score = 51%
"Hancock" - I really enjoyed "Hancock", it's probably second to "Iron Man" for the summer for me. The best part about it - I can't believe this hasn't been mentioned anywhere - it's 93 minutes long!!! Why isn't this being celebrated? It is a tight movie. This is how big movies should be, and I thought that's what we all wanted, yet I haven't heard a thing about it.
Also, there's big talk about how there's a twist midway through it and it's two separate movies. First of all, it's not midway through. It would be if it were a typical 2 and a half hour extravaganza. But since it's 90 minutes, it's more like 75 percent of the way through.
Second of all, I thought everyone hates Hollywood for being "conventional" and for making "copycat" stuff, yet when a movie has the nerve to not fit neatly into a genre everyone acts like Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer and gets all "frightened and confused". Settle down. The movie doesn't change that much. Even in the first half, it's not all light comedy. There's a balance in this thing that's really cool and I can't believe it's getting criticized for it (have to mention that Jim Treacher wrote about this on his blog before me). This is an entertaining movie, pure and simple.
Rotten Tomatoes score = 38 percent. Thirty freaking eight percent!
An outrage. This truly makes no sense. No way was "Indiana Jones" better than this, and I defy anyone to make an argument otherwise.
"The Wackness" - This is an independent movie that won the audience award at Sundance this year. It's set in New York in the year 1994 (for no reason). It's about an aimless kid who likes rap (oh, the novelty!) who befriends a psychiatrist (Ben Kingsley) who he sells pot do, and who also happens to be the dad (step dad!) of the girl he likes. It's an utterly okay movie.
Rotten Tomatoes score = 66%
The score isn't so bad. It probably should be a little lower. But what I'm really angry about is the score in relation to "Hancock's". The only reason the scores are like that is because "Hancock" had a big budget and "The Wackness" had a small budget. If "Hancock" were an independent film it would be the greatest thing ever to come out of Sundance.
Rotten Tomatoes score = 38 percent. Thirty freaking eight percent!
An outrage. This truly makes no sense. No way was "Indiana Jones" better than this, and I defy anyone to make an argument otherwise.
"The Wackness" - This is an independent movie that won the audience award at Sundance this year. It's set in New York in the year 1994 (for no reason). It's about an aimless kid who likes rap (oh, the novelty!) who befriends a psychiatrist (Ben Kingsley) who he sells pot do, and who also happens to be the dad (step dad!) of the girl he likes. It's an utterly okay movie.
Rotten Tomatoes score = 66%
The score isn't so bad. It probably should be a little lower. But what I'm really angry about is the score in relation to "Hancock's". The only reason the scores are like that is because "Hancock" had a big budget and "The Wackness" had a small budget. If "Hancock" were an independent film it would be the greatest thing ever to come out of Sundance.
So that's it, I'm done. From this point on I will go see for myself and judge things on their own merit. In the spirit of that, you should go see "Hancock". It's good. Unless you're the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Non-Hotness Goes Both Ways
The hype for "Dark Knight" is insane right now. I don't think I'm even going to be able to see it this weekend because of the craziness. I love Christopher Nolan, and I trust him. But I can't help but be bummed about this Maggie Gyllenhaal situation. What the hell were they thinking?! Who knows though - maybe the reason Batman is so "dark" and pissed off in this one is because the woman he loves is kinda homely.
But the unattractive love interest is not just a female phenomenon. It also happens with dudes. Case in point: the upcoming vampire movie "Twilight".
This movie is based upon a series of very popular books. Books I had never once heard of until last week's issue of Entertainment Weekly. They were making it out to be the next "Harry Potter". I don't understand this. Aren't vampires hack at this point? Just when I think it's over, there's some new big vampire thing. What writer sits down and writes a vampire story at this point? Fuck you. It's over! Think of something else. This really pisses me off for some reason.
Anyway, this "Twilight" thing comes out in November. The girl in it is Kristen Stewart, who played the kid in "Panic Room" and the horny guitar girl in "Into the Wild". This is how old I am: I am friends...WITH HER DAD! Holy shit, that hurts.
The vampire/"hot" male love interest is played by Robert Pattinson, a British actor who happens to have been in "Harry Potter". Kristen Stewart's character is in love with this guy, and risks her life to be with him because he's so "hot".
In the book, he is described as being impossibly beautiful, and is compared to the mythical Greek god Adonis. His facial features are "perfect and angular - high cheekbones, strong jawline, a straight nose, and beautiful, full lips, with a slender but muscular build".
Ladies and gentleman, this is Robert Pattinson:
The only Greek God that guy should be compared to is John "Bluto" Blutarsky from "Animal House".
But the unattractive love interest is not just a female phenomenon. It also happens with dudes. Case in point: the upcoming vampire movie "Twilight".
This movie is based upon a series of very popular books. Books I had never once heard of until last week's issue of Entertainment Weekly. They were making it out to be the next "Harry Potter". I don't understand this. Aren't vampires hack at this point? Just when I think it's over, there's some new big vampire thing. What writer sits down and writes a vampire story at this point? Fuck you. It's over! Think of something else. This really pisses me off for some reason.
Anyway, this "Twilight" thing comes out in November. The girl in it is Kristen Stewart, who played the kid in "Panic Room" and the horny guitar girl in "Into the Wild". This is how old I am: I am friends...WITH HER DAD! Holy shit, that hurts.
The vampire/"hot" male love interest is played by Robert Pattinson, a British actor who happens to have been in "Harry Potter". Kristen Stewart's character is in love with this guy, and risks her life to be with him because he's so "hot".
In the book, he is described as being impossibly beautiful, and is compared to the mythical Greek god Adonis. His facial features are "perfect and angular - high cheekbones, strong jawline, a straight nose, and beautiful, full lips, with a slender but muscular build".
Ladies and gentleman, this is Robert Pattinson:
The only Greek God that guy should be compared to is John "Bluto" Blutarsky from "Animal House".
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Liv Tyler and Maggie Gyllenhaal Are Not Hot Enough
Superheroes do so much for us: they save us from evil, entertain us at the multiplex, they wear capes, and best of all, they inspire funny dance crazes. Don't they deserve the very best? They're superheroes! Then why do they keep getting paired up with unattractive ladies?
This is Bruce Banner aka The Hulk's girl...
Sorry friends, but those Aerosmith videos were 15 years ago. 15! That's right, 1993. And I didn't even think she was cute then - and that was pre-bangs! Now granted, the Hulk isn't the best looking dude - he's all big and green and angry, but girls like bad boys! It's a proven fact! And then you get Ed Norton as the nice guy, he's the best of both worlds. He deserves a Mila Kunis at the very least. Can we give'em a Kunis in the sequel, please? Just a Kunis!
Maybe you're thinking, "but Irwin, looks aren't everything". Yeah, and Brad Pitt loves raising 10 kids.
Liv Tyler should never be a female lead. Ever. But maybe in a different summer I could overlook it. However, a disturbing trend is starting to emerge. A trend that began with Kirsten Dunst in "Spiderman" and continues this weekend, when Bruce Wayne is inexplicably all broken up about not being with this lady...
Maggie Gyllenhaal isn't even hot for a Picasso, people (Picasso, people!). She's not even pretty enough for girls to pretend she's pretty. That's really not pretty. If Maggie Gyllenhaal came up to me in the club and wanted me to take her home, I would say no...and I'm a loser! I'm not a superhero. I suck. And I would turn down Maggie Gyllenhaal. This motherfucker is Batman!
Maggie isn't in movies because of her looks, she's in movies because she's a good actress and one other reason: the first 6 movies she was in were directed by her dad. Yeah, that helps. Put it this way: if she was born in Kansas she'd be Maggie the not cute enough waitress.
I'm not trying to be a dick and hate on these girls, they're fine. But they should not be the girlfriends of superheroes. Superheroes should be with girls who are smart, funny, and have one eye the same size as the other.
This is Bruce Banner aka The Hulk's girl...
Sorry friends, but those Aerosmith videos were 15 years ago. 15! That's right, 1993. And I didn't even think she was cute then - and that was pre-bangs! Now granted, the Hulk isn't the best looking dude - he's all big and green and angry, but girls like bad boys! It's a proven fact! And then you get Ed Norton as the nice guy, he's the best of both worlds. He deserves a Mila Kunis at the very least. Can we give'em a Kunis in the sequel, please? Just a Kunis!
Maybe you're thinking, "but Irwin, looks aren't everything". Yeah, and Brad Pitt loves raising 10 kids.
Liv Tyler should never be a female lead. Ever. But maybe in a different summer I could overlook it. However, a disturbing trend is starting to emerge. A trend that began with Kirsten Dunst in "Spiderman" and continues this weekend, when Bruce Wayne is inexplicably all broken up about not being with this lady...
Maggie Gyllenhaal isn't even hot for a Picasso, people (Picasso, people!). She's not even pretty enough for girls to pretend she's pretty. That's really not pretty. If Maggie Gyllenhaal came up to me in the club and wanted me to take her home, I would say no...and I'm a loser! I'm not a superhero. I suck. And I would turn down Maggie Gyllenhaal. This motherfucker is Batman!
Maggie isn't in movies because of her looks, she's in movies because she's a good actress and one other reason: the first 6 movies she was in were directed by her dad. Yeah, that helps. Put it this way: if she was born in Kansas she'd be Maggie the not cute enough waitress.
I'm not trying to be a dick and hate on these girls, they're fine. But they should not be the girlfriends of superheroes. Superheroes should be with girls who are smart, funny, and have one eye the same size as the other.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Half Written Blogs From the Past Month
I haven't had time to write anything for awhile (other than 10,000 word Bachelorette recaps), but I have had time to do half written stuff. Here are a couple things that I started and never finished:
--I did some very early work on an awards show a couple months ago. Actually, it was just one day of work and then I never heard about it again. Then I was flipping the channels around recently and it was on TV. And there was Megan Fox...accepting an award.
This boggled my mind, because the entire reason she was at the awards show getting this award is that I sat in a room one day and said "Megan Fox is real hot".
And then Megan Good got one. Again, the only reason that happened because I was adamant about her hotness. Isn't that crazy?
Here I am, sitting on my couch in my underwear like a loser, and these two ridiculously hot girls are getting awards BECAUSE OF ME. And do they thank me in their acceptance speeches? No. Do I get a quick make out for my troubles? Hell no.
But still, it was such a weird feeling. I did that! Yet, I'm sitting here! If I had any friends around, it probably would've sounded like the ramblings of a crazy person. It happened! And no one knows, and these girls have no idea who I am. And will never make out with me. Life sucks.
--This blog entry was to be entitled "This Is What I Do For a Living"
I wrote a song for the show and it was performed live in front of our audience. It was a blues song, sung by an old black man. He had two black backup singer girls and two white backup singer girls. As you might guess with our show, there were some racial themes involved.
It wasn't a racist song, but it was about racism. It was about white people being evil to black people. My point is, I swear it wasn't as fucked up as this next part is gonna sound.
There was a line change for the black backup singer girls and I was kinda in charge of the whole thing, so I had to go tell them:
"Okay, that line is gonna change. Now you guys are gonna sing: 'Cause black people are always late".
Gulp.
And this, ladies and gentleman, is what I do for a living.
--This one was called "I Need to Get Angry About This One Last Time"
I'm at work today and very busy. I probably don't have time to get lunch. But wait, I get an email: lunch is being brought in as a Memorial Day "treat". And not only that, it's being brought in from In and Out Burger.
Well, if you work in an office you can guess what happened next...celebrations kicked off as the email reverberated around the place. There was shrieks of joy, spontaneous high fives and pats on the back. In and Out Burger!
I had only one response to this news: will any of these so called in and out burgers be plain?
Minutes later they arrived and guess what? Not a one of them plain. There were double doubles, and grilled cheese and a million other variations, but every type had one thing in common: a thick helping of thousand island dressing gooped all over them.
Seriously? Thousand island dressing? In this day in age? My sister once theorized that thousand island was being fazed out from restaurants across America. Well, maybe so. But not at In and Out Burger.
Thus, no lunch for me. But I had the last laugh. At about 4:30, people were either sleeping at their desks or in the bathroom. I had the good fortune of only starving.
--I did some very early work on an awards show a couple months ago. Actually, it was just one day of work and then I never heard about it again. Then I was flipping the channels around recently and it was on TV. And there was Megan Fox...accepting an award.
This boggled my mind, because the entire reason she was at the awards show getting this award is that I sat in a room one day and said "Megan Fox is real hot".
And then Megan Good got one. Again, the only reason that happened because I was adamant about her hotness. Isn't that crazy?
Here I am, sitting on my couch in my underwear like a loser, and these two ridiculously hot girls are getting awards BECAUSE OF ME. And do they thank me in their acceptance speeches? No. Do I get a quick make out for my troubles? Hell no.
But still, it was such a weird feeling. I did that! Yet, I'm sitting here! If I had any friends around, it probably would've sounded like the ramblings of a crazy person. It happened! And no one knows, and these girls have no idea who I am. And will never make out with me. Life sucks.
--This blog entry was to be entitled "This Is What I Do For a Living"
I wrote a song for the show and it was performed live in front of our audience. It was a blues song, sung by an old black man. He had two black backup singer girls and two white backup singer girls. As you might guess with our show, there were some racial themes involved.
It wasn't a racist song, but it was about racism. It was about white people being evil to black people. My point is, I swear it wasn't as fucked up as this next part is gonna sound.
There was a line change for the black backup singer girls and I was kinda in charge of the whole thing, so I had to go tell them:
"Okay, that line is gonna change. Now you guys are gonna sing: 'Cause black people are always late".
Gulp.
And this, ladies and gentleman, is what I do for a living.
--This one was called "I Need to Get Angry About This One Last Time"
I'm at work today and very busy. I probably don't have time to get lunch. But wait, I get an email: lunch is being brought in as a Memorial Day "treat". And not only that, it's being brought in from In and Out Burger.
Well, if you work in an office you can guess what happened next...celebrations kicked off as the email reverberated around the place. There was shrieks of joy, spontaneous high fives and pats on the back. In and Out Burger!
I had only one response to this news: will any of these so called in and out burgers be plain?
Minutes later they arrived and guess what? Not a one of them plain. There were double doubles, and grilled cheese and a million other variations, but every type had one thing in common: a thick helping of thousand island dressing gooped all over them.
Seriously? Thousand island dressing? In this day in age? My sister once theorized that thousand island was being fazed out from restaurants across America. Well, maybe so. But not at In and Out Burger.
Thus, no lunch for me. But I had the last laugh. At about 4:30, people were either sleeping at their desks or in the bathroom. I had the good fortune of only starving.
Monday, July 07, 2008
DeAnna the Bachelorette: The Finale
Regular blogging returns this week! Yay! All right, here we go...
She's picking Jason, right? Right. But I maintain my theory that, even though she's going to get "engaged" at the end of this show, she doesn't like either of these guys. She has to get engaged or else she'll look like a hypocrite after getting all pissed about Brad's "Kelly Taylor" moment - especially after mentioning it every single episode this season.
We begin in Georgia, where the guys will meet DeAnna's family. I've heard a rumor that they're Greek, but let's see...
What a shock - DeAnna mentions Brad again. She whines about how her family thought they were meant to be together, and then he crushed her and them and America! Oh, poor thing. I mean, if he had done it on a reality show where there was another girl who was feeling the same way and he was picking between them that would be one thing. but to do it when it was only her and no one else...oh yeah. Get over it!
Jason visits the family first. Holy shit. The family is talking about Brad more than DeAnna does. DeAnna's sister looks like DeAnna but with all the air sucked out of her. And less blinking.
Jason asks D's dad for his permission to propose. Dad calls Jason "a gem of a guy". And he really is, except for that whole child abandonment thing.
It's Jesse's turn with the whole family, he's nervous but still calls it "rad". He explains his long hair by saying "I snowboard a lot". Is that a snowboarding requirement or something? I thought the only requirement was to smoke a lot of weed and be near snow.
They are really giving Jesse the bad edit. Are they setting us up here? The family HATES Jesse. Damn Greeks.
Next, DeAnna is going to introduce the guys to her entire family, as in, her "big fat Greek family". Oh boy. This includes an uncle named Plutark and her Papu. Apparently all of DeAnna's relative's names are euphemisms for crap.
Big twist: Jason and Jesse are meeting the whole family together. Ooooh. I love how the producers of this show live in a fantasy land where there's no other dating shows. They think this is a big twist. Meanwhile on VH1, women are shitting on floors.
Jesse teaches Papu and Poopie "knugs", that's "pound" to us non-long hair snowboarding hippies. Meanwhile, Jason has creepy conversations with them, asking them about the secrets of marriage - cause as a divorcee, clearly he does not know.
The producers use this extra family day to try and convince us that Jesse suddenly turns it around. He didn't ask for her dad's permission to propose the day earlier, but does it here. Oh man! He's back in the race! But not really.
Mr. Pappas makes Jesse promise to keep his hair short. Who is this guy, George Steinbrenner? Jesse agrees and they "knug". It's "rad". I guess another of the requirements to be a snowboarder is to talk like you're in 1987. Somebody's gonna get "faced" soon, I just know it.
Oh God. DeAnna goes back to the Bahamas and surprise! Jeremy is there and wants to talk to her. What a another shocking twist! Where's Graham at? That's who we want to see, not Mr. Dead Parents and his stupid perfect abs.
First thing Jeremy says: "ever since my mom died..." Guy. Dead mom is this season's sprained ankle. She cries and says fuck off. Jeremy cries again, then does some sit ups.
And then we get more dates in the Bahamas. First, it's Jesse time. They fly on a small plane that can land on water. This is why I can't be on the show: too much flying. I'd bow out. Look, I love you, but I'm not getting on that death trap. Isn't there any place we can just walk to? Or bike? Or Segway? What's wrong with a good Segway somewhere?
Later that night, Jesse gives her a "book of thoughts". Despite the title, "The Book of Thoughts" is actually just a 3rd grade level scrap book of their time together.
Next, Jason and D go scuba diving. D has one of her "surprises" in store for him. They are going scuba diving near sharks. How does she keep coming up with these magnificent dates? She says she loves Jason because he's willing to try new things and be adventurous. Are there any ladies out there who appreciate a solid night on the couch? Do I really need to risk a limb just to seem fun and cool? Fuck you. You know who does that kind of stuff? Dumb people...and dead people. The Crocodile Hunter doesn't seem so spontaneous and adventurous now, does he?!
Jason makes DeAnna a board game. She says it's "the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me". Aw, poor "Book of Thoughts".
Jason uses the board game to proclaim his love and she seems to love him back. Suck on that, Milton Bradley!
I just realized that Jason is "an account executive". Ooh, what a wild man. Try pitching jokes for a living, motherfucker, that's ballsy. Man, I am really angry tonight.
Both of the guys buy rings. Do you think that Jesse will have to personally return it? He can just give it to the producers and they'll take care of it, right? What if you got to the final two and knew for sure you weren't the one, and you know you're gonna look like a chump to all your boys back home? You'd tone it down, for sure, but I wonder if the producers would allow you to be like, "yeah, I don't know if I'm that into her. We'll see".
First one out of the limo is...
Jason. Oh snap. Are they fucking with our heads right now? Jason drops to one knee, and they DUB IN A LINE from DeAnna "No, I can't". She makes Jason stand up. This is bullshit, dude. She tells him "I'm in love with someone else". Yeah, Graham.
Jason is stunned, as am I. There's no way she's marrying Jesse. But she doesn't want to pick this guy because a) he's way too into her, and b) he has a kid. You can't mess around with a guy's head who has a kid. That's just bad manners.
How could she insult "The Book of Thoughts" like that and then pick Jesse. "The Book of Thoughts" is angry!
Jason is totally faced! I thought DeAnna said she wasn't going to hurt anyone's feelings the way Brad did to her? It's nice that she led the one guy on who had a kid, yeah, that's way better.
Next out of the limo is...
Graham! Oh my God! No, it isn't. It's Jesse. DeAnna says "today I'm ending up with my soulmate. I've found the man of my dreams". Come on, even you fans of Jesse out there do not believe that. That is a totally ridiculous thing to say. If he's your soulmate, how did that board game trump "The Book of Thoughts", huh? "The Book of Thoughts" demands answers, people!
He grabs her wrong hand, gives a speech, and pops the question. She says yes and they kiss. She says "I love you, I've waited so long to say it, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you". And that is it. Isn't that kind of weird? Usually at this point, the bachelor or bachelorette gives a big speech about why they are choosing the person and says all the things they couldn't say before. She literally says 10 words. Very strange. I think DeAnna is bad at the talking, especially when the producers don't write stuff for her.
ON THE "AFTER THE ROSE" SHOW"
Jason confronts DeAnna, and DeAnna admits that she led Jason on the same way Brad led her on. About time, beyotch! And then says "Now I have a lot more compassion for Brad Womack..." Holy crap, this chick.
She also does that lame thing where she says that she hadn't decided who she'd pick until the morning of the final rose ceremony. Wait, so you're saying you didn't know that Jesse was your soulmate until then? Sure. And then! and then! She has the nerve to say "I was never fully in love with Jason". But Jesse is your soulmate and you never loved Jason, but you didn't realize it 'till that morning? And you thought I was angry before...
Jason has the line of the night: "I would give anything for you to have looked at me the way you look at Jesse...and Graham!" Oh snap!!! Every person who was a nerd in high school just fell in love with Jason.
Matt and Lamas come out. What a treat. They seem cozy, I kinda doubt they will get married or are even really together. But It just reminded me that people on this show can actually have a sense of humor, they are a breath of fresh air compared to what has been going on this season. They also remind me how secretly creepy Jason is. He's not a normal dude the way Matt is.
The "big announcement" is that DeAnna and Jesse have set a date: May 9th, 2009. They're getting married in the Bahamas, so I'm pretty sure that won't be binding. Despite all the pronouncements, I really think DeAnna is just talking herself into this whole thing. This is what's known as a "fear of 30" engagement, once she has to actually be with this guy it's over.
I'm so glad this is done. "The Book of Thoughts" must rest now, goodnight!
She's picking Jason, right? Right. But I maintain my theory that, even though she's going to get "engaged" at the end of this show, she doesn't like either of these guys. She has to get engaged or else she'll look like a hypocrite after getting all pissed about Brad's "Kelly Taylor" moment - especially after mentioning it every single episode this season.
We begin in Georgia, where the guys will meet DeAnna's family. I've heard a rumor that they're Greek, but let's see...
What a shock - DeAnna mentions Brad again. She whines about how her family thought they were meant to be together, and then he crushed her and them and America! Oh, poor thing. I mean, if he had done it on a reality show where there was another girl who was feeling the same way and he was picking between them that would be one thing. but to do it when it was only her and no one else...oh yeah. Get over it!
Jason visits the family first. Holy shit. The family is talking about Brad more than DeAnna does. DeAnna's sister looks like DeAnna but with all the air sucked out of her. And less blinking.
Jason asks D's dad for his permission to propose. Dad calls Jason "a gem of a guy". And he really is, except for that whole child abandonment thing.
It's Jesse's turn with the whole family, he's nervous but still calls it "rad". He explains his long hair by saying "I snowboard a lot". Is that a snowboarding requirement or something? I thought the only requirement was to smoke a lot of weed and be near snow.
They are really giving Jesse the bad edit. Are they setting us up here? The family HATES Jesse. Damn Greeks.
Next, DeAnna is going to introduce the guys to her entire family, as in, her "big fat Greek family". Oh boy. This includes an uncle named Plutark and her Papu. Apparently all of DeAnna's relative's names are euphemisms for crap.
Big twist: Jason and Jesse are meeting the whole family together. Ooooh. I love how the producers of this show live in a fantasy land where there's no other dating shows. They think this is a big twist. Meanwhile on VH1, women are shitting on floors.
Jesse teaches Papu and Poopie "knugs", that's "pound" to us non-long hair snowboarding hippies. Meanwhile, Jason has creepy conversations with them, asking them about the secrets of marriage - cause as a divorcee, clearly he does not know.
The producers use this extra family day to try and convince us that Jesse suddenly turns it around. He didn't ask for her dad's permission to propose the day earlier, but does it here. Oh man! He's back in the race! But not really.
Mr. Pappas makes Jesse promise to keep his hair short. Who is this guy, George Steinbrenner? Jesse agrees and they "knug". It's "rad". I guess another of the requirements to be a snowboarder is to talk like you're in 1987. Somebody's gonna get "faced" soon, I just know it.
Oh God. DeAnna goes back to the Bahamas and surprise! Jeremy is there and wants to talk to her. What a another shocking twist! Where's Graham at? That's who we want to see, not Mr. Dead Parents and his stupid perfect abs.
First thing Jeremy says: "ever since my mom died..." Guy. Dead mom is this season's sprained ankle. She cries and says fuck off. Jeremy cries again, then does some sit ups.
And then we get more dates in the Bahamas. First, it's Jesse time. They fly on a small plane that can land on water. This is why I can't be on the show: too much flying. I'd bow out. Look, I love you, but I'm not getting on that death trap. Isn't there any place we can just walk to? Or bike? Or Segway? What's wrong with a good Segway somewhere?
Later that night, Jesse gives her a "book of thoughts". Despite the title, "The Book of Thoughts" is actually just a 3rd grade level scrap book of their time together.
Next, Jason and D go scuba diving. D has one of her "surprises" in store for him. They are going scuba diving near sharks. How does she keep coming up with these magnificent dates? She says she loves Jason because he's willing to try new things and be adventurous. Are there any ladies out there who appreciate a solid night on the couch? Do I really need to risk a limb just to seem fun and cool? Fuck you. You know who does that kind of stuff? Dumb people...and dead people. The Crocodile Hunter doesn't seem so spontaneous and adventurous now, does he?!
Jason makes DeAnna a board game. She says it's "the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me". Aw, poor "Book of Thoughts".
Jason uses the board game to proclaim his love and she seems to love him back. Suck on that, Milton Bradley!
I just realized that Jason is "an account executive". Ooh, what a wild man. Try pitching jokes for a living, motherfucker, that's ballsy. Man, I am really angry tonight.
Both of the guys buy rings. Do you think that Jesse will have to personally return it? He can just give it to the producers and they'll take care of it, right? What if you got to the final two and knew for sure you weren't the one, and you know you're gonna look like a chump to all your boys back home? You'd tone it down, for sure, but I wonder if the producers would allow you to be like, "yeah, I don't know if I'm that into her. We'll see".
First one out of the limo is...
Jason. Oh snap. Are they fucking with our heads right now? Jason drops to one knee, and they DUB IN A LINE from DeAnna "No, I can't". She makes Jason stand up. This is bullshit, dude. She tells him "I'm in love with someone else". Yeah, Graham.
Jason is stunned, as am I. There's no way she's marrying Jesse. But she doesn't want to pick this guy because a) he's way too into her, and b) he has a kid. You can't mess around with a guy's head who has a kid. That's just bad manners.
How could she insult "The Book of Thoughts" like that and then pick Jesse. "The Book of Thoughts" is angry!
Jason is totally faced! I thought DeAnna said she wasn't going to hurt anyone's feelings the way Brad did to her? It's nice that she led the one guy on who had a kid, yeah, that's way better.
Next out of the limo is...
Graham! Oh my God! No, it isn't. It's Jesse. DeAnna says "today I'm ending up with my soulmate. I've found the man of my dreams". Come on, even you fans of Jesse out there do not believe that. That is a totally ridiculous thing to say. If he's your soulmate, how did that board game trump "The Book of Thoughts", huh? "The Book of Thoughts" demands answers, people!
He grabs her wrong hand, gives a speech, and pops the question. She says yes and they kiss. She says "I love you, I've waited so long to say it, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you". And that is it. Isn't that kind of weird? Usually at this point, the bachelor or bachelorette gives a big speech about why they are choosing the person and says all the things they couldn't say before. She literally says 10 words. Very strange. I think DeAnna is bad at the talking, especially when the producers don't write stuff for her.
ON THE "AFTER THE ROSE" SHOW"
Jason confronts DeAnna, and DeAnna admits that she led Jason on the same way Brad led her on. About time, beyotch! And then says "Now I have a lot more compassion for Brad Womack..." Holy crap, this chick.
She also does that lame thing where she says that she hadn't decided who she'd pick until the morning of the final rose ceremony. Wait, so you're saying you didn't know that Jesse was your soulmate until then? Sure. And then! and then! She has the nerve to say "I was never fully in love with Jason". But Jesse is your soulmate and you never loved Jason, but you didn't realize it 'till that morning? And you thought I was angry before...
Jason has the line of the night: "I would give anything for you to have looked at me the way you look at Jesse...and Graham!" Oh snap!!! Every person who was a nerd in high school just fell in love with Jason.
Matt and Lamas come out. What a treat. They seem cozy, I kinda doubt they will get married or are even really together. But It just reminded me that people on this show can actually have a sense of humor, they are a breath of fresh air compared to what has been going on this season. They also remind me how secretly creepy Jason is. He's not a normal dude the way Matt is.
The "big announcement" is that DeAnna and Jesse have set a date: May 9th, 2009. They're getting married in the Bahamas, so I'm pretty sure that won't be binding. Despite all the pronouncements, I really think DeAnna is just talking herself into this whole thing. This is what's known as a "fear of 30" engagement, once she has to actually be with this guy it's over.
I'm so glad this is done. "The Book of Thoughts" must rest now, goodnight!
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