The One He Didn't Like

All right, here's the monologue that the famous black comedic actor didn't like. Remember when reading this, imagine me - an average white guy - reading it to a very large and intimidating African American gentleman, who wasn't even cracking a smile...

This is a public service message from me to all my Nubian sisters out there…Stop putting tattoos on your titties! According to research done by me, 87 percent of tattooed titties are African American. You’re always complaining about black men going out with white girls or asian girls, it’s because we like a clean titty! That’s right, sisters, leave that canvas blank for us to paint our own picture.

And that’s what I’m flowing on today: Black women who are always getting down on the black man for dating outside the race. Well I gotta believe that tattooed titties is part of it, but there’s also this: a real study just came out that says that 78% of black women are obese.

I know the stereotype is that we like our women big, but really, the only place we like obesity…is in yo ass. Contain the obesity to your ass area, please. Sir Mix a Lot wasn’t rapping about your thighs!

Seriously, it’s just wrong. I mean, you got the Ray Ray tattoo in 12 point courier new font, two years later it’s lookin’ like 36 point times new roman.

78 percent obesity? That means that 8 in 10 Venus’s will soon turn into super sized Serena’s! It’s gotten so bad that the government has had to step in and ban fast food joints from South Central LA. That’s right, the city of Los Angeles will not allow fast food in South Central because of the obesity problem. Now I don’t know if the Government invented crack or gave us AIDS, but at least they’re trying to save your Type 2 diabetes from the Hamburgler.

And you all wanna get mad at us for dating outside our race? Obese black women with tattooed titties, have you lost your Damn mind!

This Is What I Do For A Living (part 19)

I had to write up 3 monologues over the weekend, each had to be about something topical. Then I had to take those monologues and go into a room with a famous comedic actor and "perform" them for him. Okay, shouldn't be too crazy.

Oh, but there's one other thing. The famous comedic actor is black, and the jokes need to be black-centric. Thus I, a half-Jew, had to go into a room and tell a black guy black jokes. It's amazing how I strive to lead an "awkward situation free" life yet I find myself in so many of them.

Anyway, since my weekend was ruined working on these, I felt like they should see the light of day somewhere, so now I'll ruin a couple minutes of your life by making you read them.

Here's one that he liked. Check my ebonics, yo, holla at ya boy...

“Baby Mama Drama”

Throughout the history of the world, white people have taken things black people have done first, and made it popular. It started with Elvis taking rock and roll. Then Eminem took rap. And now the white man has taken another thing we created…baby mama drama! There’s nothing more black than some baby mama drama, and now John Edwards has stolen that from us too!

He just went on Nightline and came clean about having an affair…that is, after he got caught up in her hotel at 3 in the morning like an episode of “Cheaters”. That’s not coming clean with the American public, your ass got caught!

But he says even though he cheated, the baby isn’t his…You know, that’s the same thing every brotha says on Maury Povich, right up until the DNA test comes back and it turns out YOU are the father!

But this is some baby mama drama like no other brotha because this playa’s wife has cancer. And that’s what I don’t get. Because the one great thing about your wife having cancer is that it’s only a matter of time before you’re single. You can just wait it out!

John Edwards, I respect your game, pimpin’. But you could have saved yourself a trip to Nightline if you would’ve just done the cancer math!

Now let’s look at this: McCain cheated on his first wife after she was in a car accident. Edwards cheated on his wife when she got cancer. Clinton cheated on his wife after she got fat. It seems like every successful politician has cheated. And I think it’s a good thing. It shows us what you’re made of. How you’ll handle a crisis. Can you negotiate? Do you have a good exit strategy? What’s your child left behind policy?

The only one who hasn’t cheated is my man Barack Obama. For the sake of our great nation, Barack needs to cheat on his wife. He needs to cheat so we can see if he’s qualified. The only thing crazier than Kim Jong Il and a silo full of nukes is a 41 year old Glenn Close looking bitch with over-active ovaries. We need to see how he’d handle it!

John Edwards failed the baby mama drama test. He didn’t know when to pull his troops out and got burned by his improvised explosive device. Cheating on your cancer having wife and then telling us the baby isn’t yours…John Edwards, have you lost your damn mind?!

Tomorrow night, one he didn't like...

Shut Up, Medal Count

You'll probably be relieved to know that this will be my last Olympic related post - barring another 12 year old Chinese girl landing on her head and getting the gold.

I keep seeing on TV and reading articles about how "China has overtaken us!". It's everywhere. China rules. We suck. They have the most golds, our days are numbered, we're not on top anymore, etc.

Well first of all, we do have the most medals despite having less athletes competing and a BILLION LESS PEOPLE IN OUR COUNTRY.

Oh yeah, and there's that other thing...we don't kidnap 2 year old kids and force them to learn how to land on their knees in the vault!

Yeah, we have this crazy thing called freedom. Our kids are allowed to be losers. That's right. We have the audacity to allow our young girls to develop breasts. And I think that's just a little bit better than a couple of first places in the trampoline.

And I know this is quite a corny, jingoist notion - America, fuck yeah! - but I have not been able to avoid this "China has more golds than us!" hysteria and it was driving me nuts.

Are we really supposed to be bummed out because China is winning gold in every diving competition? I got news for you - we have 4 foot 10 inch guys too, but they have the freedom to do what God intended: work at a mall next to Santa.

So you know what? I'm cool with second.

More Gymnastics

I just felt obligated to mention after my last post that an American girl (who I would like to have sex with) landed both of her vaults, and then lost the bronze medal to a Chinese girl who LANDED ON HER KNEES! Isn't that kind of the first thing you need to score well on the vault? You know, to actually land it. You'd think landing on your feet would be kinda important.

Oh yeah, and the girl who won the gold on vault managed to land on her feet, but stepped out of bounds...BOTH TIMES!

And then another American girl (who has a large forehead) got the silver medal on the uneven bars because she tied the girl who got the gold. Nice.

Over at the Bird's Nest, Usain Bolt is Future Man.

Why Would You Watch Gymnastics?

Before the Olympics started I read that NBC would have more hours of coverage than all other Olympics combined. Sadly, I believe I have witnessed every minute of it. I can't help it. I love the Olympics, and they've organized it around my schedule. I get up at 10am, which just happens to be when I wake up. It ends at 1am, which just happens to be when I go to sleep. And there's a break at 1pm, which just happens to be when I watch "Days of Our Lives". It's perfect!

Okay, it's not perfect. NBC is blowing it in a lot of areas, but I'm not gonna get into that. I've enjoyed the indoor volleyball, the outdoor volleyball, basketball, boxing, fencing, springboard synchronized diving, platform synchronized diving (those showers look delightful), and I don't think I've watched this much swimming since I retired from competition at the age of 6, due to my refusal to flip turn. But the one thing I haven't enjoyed is gymnastics.

I am angry about gymnastics. Not because it's gay (see "Days of Our Lives" viewing above), but because of the scoring system. It makes no fucking since. And I'm actually mad at myself for how mad I'm getting about it. But seriously, it's like watching a basketball game and instead of the standard 2 points and 3 points for every hoop there's just a retarded guy under the basket going "7!".

Basically, it "works" like this: each routine gets a start value representing how hard it is. If it's really hard it might be a 7, less hard maybe a 5.5. Then after the routine, you get a score for how you did, usually between 8.5 - 9.5. Then they add the score together and that's the score. So if two girls do a vault, and one falls on her head and the other sticks the landing, they might have the same score if the "fell on head" girl's routine had a higher start value. What the hell? She fell on her head!

So that Chinese dude who won the overrall gold last night was almost guaranteed gold before the thing even started. His start values were so much higher than everyone else that it was over before it began.

It makes it just pointless to watch. There's no logic to it. There's no fun in watching a game with changing rules. It'd be going to a Laker game and as time runs down they're up by 4 points and you're stoked that they won. But then some guy on the other team throws up a meaningless basket at the last second, it goes in, and the retarded guy under the hoop goes "7!". That's not fun, fucking little retarded guy with his 7 point basket rulings.

But my question to all you Tim Daggetts out there is this:

Why doesn't everyone just do the hardest shit every time? If you say they can't do the hardest shit, you're wrong. They might not be able to land it, but they can all do the prerequisite flips and twists. And crashing on the hardest thing is ALWAYS better than sticking the easy one.

Please, explain this to me because I'm very upset. Huh? Daggett? Gaylord? Connor? Hook me up.

Another Doppelganger

For the last three years, I thought Anthony Michael Hall had the best agent in show business. He was in everything. I was amazed at his transition from Farmer Ted to "Tough Cop #2" on every TV show. But no, it actually wasn't Anthony Michael Hall playing Tough Cop #2. It was this guy:



And he even has a Tough Cop #2 type real name: Terry Serpico. This is Anthony Michael Hall, and he's in "Dark Knight". How he beat out Serpico, I'll never know. Maybe it's because the TV host he was playing wasn't "tough".

In Honor of the Olympics Starting Today

I love the Olympics, and to honor them and our country, I hereby present the greatest version of our National Anthem of all time:



Go USA! Clap ya hands, y'all!

Made Up Statistic That is Probably Accurate

86% of all tattooed breasts are African American

Fan Interference

Fenway Park is awesome. And I got seats right behind home plate. Unfortunately, they were also right behind something else.



Fenway has the Green Monster, and now this will forever be known as "Handleman's Post".

Much love to Pops Handleman for the trip, it was great. He was the fearless leader who put it all together, and had to wear many hats: at any moment he could be "Zed Zagat", "Admirer of Sausages", or "The Big Bankroll". Thanks, Pops!

A Dark Time for Chicago

So I'm walking around Chicago, looking for a place to get a beer and I come upon this:



"Where's Joey?" Here's Joey! 

Isn't this douche supposed to be an alcoholic? Now he's making "appearances" at bars? I don't know what's worse: that they would tout having him there, or that they would still have the sign up a week later.

Even though I missed the "appearance", I avoided this bar on principle. But unfortunately, for the next two hours I annoyed everyone (including myself) with my Joey imitation: "Where's Joey? Joey's not here! Joey's gone!"