Every family has something that is their "thing". The Spears' sing, dance, and get pregnant. The Palin's hunt, get pregnant, and make up funny names. My family's thing has always been "things that annoy us".
My family loves to examine the things that annoy us. We are constantly annoyed. One of my sisters gets most annoyed by loud TV volume and loud breathing, anything loud really. Also, nose hair.
The thing that I'm most annoyed by is when my sister tells me something that's annoying her, and then that thing suddenly becomes annoying to me. I was going along, blissfully enjoying life, and then she comes along and I can't for the life of me figure out why the man across from me doesn't have a ManGroomer.
My other sister is annoyed by people behind her at the checkout line of the grocery store who look and comment on the food she is buying. To her, there is no greater sin than someone checking out her basket and going: "love those veggies, huh?"
Well, as you all know I love going to the grocery store. And because of my sister, I am very mindful not to look at what other people are buying. I just won't do it. Sure, I sneak a peak every now and again, but I don't stare or take stock. An accidental glance and I move on.
However, last night I did it. I didn't want to and I didn't mean to, but in my defense I was just annoyed by the length of time it was taking for the checker to scan all of the items belonging to the woman in front of me. And also, she had coupons. And also, she had 30 of the same product, so there was a loud, rapid fire, AK 47 type rat tat tat of the scanner. I was in the middle of a scanner ambush, it was my duty to do some recon. But I wish I didn't...
Because the woman in front of me didn't just have some innocent grocery store items, she had a cry for help. Even though it was a large haul on that little conveyor belt, she was really only buying two things:
30 cans of cat food
1 bottle of Vodka
"So...lonely old cat lady routine, huh?"
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Flying with Fat People
There are two types of people in the world: those who are afraid to fly, and morons. I am not a moron...at least when it comes to flying. I don't like it. Call me crazy, but I don't enjoy putting my life in the hands of a guy (or girl) who couldn't make instructor at Top Gun.
Maybe it's a control issue. I don't think of myself as a controlling person, but I think that's just because I'm too lazy to act out on my need to control. I guess I break out of that when it comes to the whole "staying alive" thing. It makes sense, I mean, I always excelled at solo sports where I controlled my own destiny - like tennis, ping pong, masturbating - anything with a paddle, really.
But this isn't about my fear of flying. This is about fat people. The fat people that tend to sit next to me while I fly.
I feel bad for these overweight people on planes. In many aspects of society, we have adjusted to the obese. Just look at Costco. They feel normal there. Something about the 40 ounce bottles of barbecue sauce soothes them.
But airplanes haven't adjusted. Look at it this way: have you ever gone back to your old elementary school, maybe because of a younger sibling or because you're a pedophile, and you go back and can't believe how small the chairs and the desks are? That's what airplanes are to fat people. They're a first grade classroom they are forced to sit in.
Anyway, I was flying recently and one of these extremely large people - a lady - was next to me. You know, the kind with that vagina fat? That secondary belly that seems to come from the vagina. What is that? Her calories have figured they've done enough work on the belly, the ass, and the thighs, and now they're going straight to the fallopian tubes. That always weirds me out. As a matter of fact, she couldn't even fully bring down her tray table, it was forced to uncomfortably rest on that extra, mysterious mound of flesh.
Now I'm not trying to write some mean thing about fat people. I could give a shit if you're fat. Actually, I think I have much more anger for those skinny bitches on 90210. They disgust me. That's not attractive and it pisses me off that they think it is! And it's easy for them to do something about that, but losing weight is hard. Lord knows I can't make time to exercise. Be fat and happy, it's all good. Hell, I'm (sorta) skinny and miserable.
But I'm compelled to write something when your largeness affects my life. And this lady was monopolizing both arm rests. That is something I cannot stand for. If you are physically unable to not use both arm rests, it's time to reexamine things. Consider it a sign from the engineers at Boeing. The arm rests are for your arms, not the extra skin from your back. After all, they're called arm rests, "arm" is in the title!
I'm forcing myself onto a plane once again on Friday, and all I'm asking is for one arm rest. You're not allowed both of them, one is for me. And I don't think that's too much to ask.
Maybe it's a control issue. I don't think of myself as a controlling person, but I think that's just because I'm too lazy to act out on my need to control. I guess I break out of that when it comes to the whole "staying alive" thing. It makes sense, I mean, I always excelled at solo sports where I controlled my own destiny - like tennis, ping pong, masturbating - anything with a paddle, really.
But this isn't about my fear of flying. This is about fat people. The fat people that tend to sit next to me while I fly.
I feel bad for these overweight people on planes. In many aspects of society, we have adjusted to the obese. Just look at Costco. They feel normal there. Something about the 40 ounce bottles of barbecue sauce soothes them.
But airplanes haven't adjusted. Look at it this way: have you ever gone back to your old elementary school, maybe because of a younger sibling or because you're a pedophile, and you go back and can't believe how small the chairs and the desks are? That's what airplanes are to fat people. They're a first grade classroom they are forced to sit in.
Anyway, I was flying recently and one of these extremely large people - a lady - was next to me. You know, the kind with that vagina fat? That secondary belly that seems to come from the vagina. What is that? Her calories have figured they've done enough work on the belly, the ass, and the thighs, and now they're going straight to the fallopian tubes. That always weirds me out. As a matter of fact, she couldn't even fully bring down her tray table, it was forced to uncomfortably rest on that extra, mysterious mound of flesh.
Now I'm not trying to write some mean thing about fat people. I could give a shit if you're fat. Actually, I think I have much more anger for those skinny bitches on 90210. They disgust me. That's not attractive and it pisses me off that they think it is! And it's easy for them to do something about that, but losing weight is hard. Lord knows I can't make time to exercise. Be fat and happy, it's all good. Hell, I'm (sorta) skinny and miserable.
But I'm compelled to write something when your largeness affects my life. And this lady was monopolizing both arm rests. That is something I cannot stand for. If you are physically unable to not use both arm rests, it's time to reexamine things. Consider it a sign from the engineers at Boeing. The arm rests are for your arms, not the extra skin from your back. After all, they're called arm rests, "arm" is in the title!
I'm forcing myself onto a plane once again on Friday, and all I'm asking is for one arm rest. You're not allowed both of them, one is for me. And I don't think that's too much to ask.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
For Soap Opera Fans Only
I'm not gonna try giving a bunch of excuses - two sisters - for why I've watched a heavy dose of "All My Children" and "Days of Our Lives" - Jen Horton's ridiculous - in my day. Let's just move past that, okay?
One of the cool things about working on the NBC lot is being near the stuff that's shooting there. For example, the "Tonight Show" is right near me, and I was walking and heard someone playing Nelly and Ashanti's "Body On Me" loudly on their radio. Then I walked a little further and realized it was Nelly and Ashanti. They were rehearsing.
Anyway, I got off a little late on Friday night and I was walking to my car. I heard footsteps behind me. I walked a little quicker, the footsteps got quicker. Now, I'm on a lot so you wouldn't expect any bad guys to be there. But I peeked over my shoulder and it was a bad guy! It was...
Stefano!
One of the cool things about working on the NBC lot is being near the stuff that's shooting there. For example, the "Tonight Show" is right near me, and I was walking and heard someone playing Nelly and Ashanti's "Body On Me" loudly on their radio. Then I walked a little further and realized it was Nelly and Ashanti. They were rehearsing.
Anyway, I got off a little late on Friday night and I was walking to my car. I heard footsteps behind me. I walked a little quicker, the footsteps got quicker. Now, I'm on a lot so you wouldn't expect any bad guys to be there. But I peeked over my shoulder and it was a bad guy! It was...
Stefano!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Really Busy, But This Is What I Do In My Free Time
It's the Sarah Palin baby name generator.
If Sarah Palin had named me, I would be Barrel McRavin Palin. Suck on that, Track.
If Sarah Palin had named me, I would be Barrel McRavin Palin. Suck on that, Track.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Employed Again
So long, "Golden Girls". Goodbye, "Dawson's Creek". Nice knowing you, "Madden '08. It's time to go back to work. Yep, ladies and gentleman, I have started working again. But this time on a different show. A show that is not on basic cable, that frowns upon beaner jokes, that actually values a solid "Bachelor" reference.
The good news: I'm now working at the network that gave us "Saturday Night Live", "Cheers", "Family Ties", "Seinfeld", and "Friends". The bad news: I will not be working for any of those shows. But I will be working! At one of the big three! Do kids even know what the big three even was? Ah, who cares? I'm old, and there used to be a big three and NBC was one of them, dammit!
We'll see how this effects posting regularity. We may not see the likes of last week's extravaganza for awhile, but as long as Palin is around, there is hope.
Of course, with all things in my life, even with good news there comes some bitterness. It is extremely difficult for a comedy writer such as myself to get a job in TV right now. There are like, 4 sitcoms. There used to be 40. There are 3 sketch comedy shows, and that's only if you count Frank TV. In short, it's hard out here for a pimp.
Team Handleman is not helping. They aren't doing shit. Yes, a meeting or two, but hardly anything. And then, by my own pluck and hard work, I got myself this job. Team Handleman had absolutely nothing to do with it. Nothing! But are they taking their percentage? Why of course they are.
Fuck you, Team Handleman.
The good news: I'm now working at the network that gave us "Saturday Night Live", "Cheers", "Family Ties", "Seinfeld", and "Friends". The bad news: I will not be working for any of those shows. But I will be working! At one of the big three! Do kids even know what the big three even was? Ah, who cares? I'm old, and there used to be a big three and NBC was one of them, dammit!
We'll see how this effects posting regularity. We may not see the likes of last week's extravaganza for awhile, but as long as Palin is around, there is hope.
Of course, with all things in my life, even with good news there comes some bitterness. It is extremely difficult for a comedy writer such as myself to get a job in TV right now. There are like, 4 sitcoms. There used to be 40. There are 3 sketch comedy shows, and that's only if you count Frank TV. In short, it's hard out here for a pimp.
Team Handleman is not helping. They aren't doing shit. Yes, a meeting or two, but hardly anything. And then, by my own pluck and hard work, I got myself this job. Team Handleman had absolutely nothing to do with it. Nothing! But are they taking their percentage? Why of course they are.
Fuck you, Team Handleman.
"Privileged" is Actually Kinda Great
So I was watching 90210 last night and pondering how Brenda suddenly disappeared off the face of the show, when a brand new series called "Privileged" came on. I had no intention of watching this thing. It looked fake, stupid, and cartoony - and I'm just talking about Ann Archer's eyebrows.
But I kept watching. And I started to get confused...
Is this...good? No! It can't be...but it is. It is good! You see how confusing this could be.
Then I started to think about it. I just watched 90210, and in comparison anything seems like fucking Shakespeare. And think about it: the writers of 90210 didn't have to write a good script. That had the green light from the get go. But "Privileged" doesn't have name recognition. It's completely new. With no stars attached. That script had to be amazing to see the light of day. And it is a damn good script.
However, the real star of this show is...the star. I'll be honest with you, I'm deeply in love with her. It's not that she is super hot, it's just that she is so darn loveable. Her name is Joanna Garcia, and you need to get on board. She is talented.
I doubt the show can keep up what it did in the pilot. That script felt like it was worked on for a long time, so you wonder what they're going to do when they have to crank one out every week. But for now, I'm in.
But I kept watching. And I started to get confused...
Is this...good? No! It can't be...but it is. It is good! You see how confusing this could be.
Then I started to think about it. I just watched 90210, and in comparison anything seems like fucking Shakespeare. And think about it: the writers of 90210 didn't have to write a good script. That had the green light from the get go. But "Privileged" doesn't have name recognition. It's completely new. With no stars attached. That script had to be amazing to see the light of day. And it is a damn good script.
However, the real star of this show is...the star. I'll be honest with you, I'm deeply in love with her. It's not that she is super hot, it's just that she is so darn loveable. Her name is Joanna Garcia, and you need to get on board. She is talented.
I doubt the show can keep up what it did in the pilot. That script felt like it was worked on for a long time, so you wonder what they're going to do when they have to crank one out every week. But for now, I'm in.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
The Glorification of Crap
There is a TV show on a major network called "Hole in the Wall". "Hole in the Wall". It features a wall...with a hole. And people trying to get through said hole. That's on TV, that's a show. Someone went into a room and said: "See that's the thing about the wall, it's got holes!!!" But of course, that didn't happen. They took it from a show in Japan. It's one of those wacky Japanese game shows. You know, those shows we used to make fun of them for. Yeah, now we're stealing them.
In a related story, Britney Spears won 3 VMA awards. The same Britney who stumbled around the VMA's a year ago looking like Babe Ruth after he got fat. Here's some crazy, headline grabbing, inside information for you: They promised her the awards so she'd come on the show. They made a deal to get the only thing anyone talked about from last year back on this year. And she got a standing ovation. A standing ovation! Just thinking of somebody putting forth the effort to rise from their seat to applaud Britney makes me understand the likely success of "Hole in the Wall".
But I think this teaches us one thing: It's now officially better to suck. Sucking gets you invited back. Sucking gets you standing ovations. Sucking gets ratings. Ladies and gentleman, this is sucking...
Somewhere, a fat black woman with the greatest singing voice the world has never heard, weeps.
In a related story, Britney Spears won 3 VMA awards. The same Britney who stumbled around the VMA's a year ago looking like Babe Ruth after he got fat. Here's some crazy, headline grabbing, inside information for you: They promised her the awards so she'd come on the show. They made a deal to get the only thing anyone talked about from last year back on this year. And she got a standing ovation. A standing ovation! Just thinking of somebody putting forth the effort to rise from their seat to applaud Britney makes me understand the likely success of "Hole in the Wall".
But I think this teaches us one thing: It's now officially better to suck. Sucking gets you invited back. Sucking gets you standing ovations. Sucking gets ratings. Ladies and gentleman, this is sucking...
Somewhere, a fat black woman with the greatest singing voice the world has never heard, weeps.
Friday, September 05, 2008
One More Thing From Vegas That I Forgot to Mention
I don't know how I forgot this...
So on Saturday night I went to dinner with a couple of friends, and joining us were 3 very cute black women that one of my friends had met in a taxi line the night before (vegas, baby). They were from Miami, and one of them was a cheerleader for the Dolphins. She's also in the Flo Rida/Timbaland video "Elevator", playing the role of "Dime Piece" on the second floor. So we're talking rap video quality here.
We're all getting to know each other, and then one of them asks me what I do for a living. I say writer, TV and movies. Then she asks what kind of stuff I've written.
And that's when I'm smiling like the cat who swallowed the canary. I got this in the bag, friends. Finally, my credit sheet is gonna score me some points!
I very slyly mention that I've done some work on Comedy Central, and buildup to: "and I also wrote the movie...In the Mix".
And I wait. and wait. And nothing. They say nothing. They just look at me. Then I have to add:
"You know, starring Usher".
Come on, black women, be with me here! You're in a damn Flo Rida video! But still, nothing. I swear it was a couple seconds of just silence. And then I have to add:
"I guess you haven't heard of it".
Then Flo Rida girl goes, "No, that's where Usher plays a DJ, right?" And I say yes. She adds, "and he's in love with the mob boss's daughter?" Yes!!!
A moment of nodding at the table. Then the knife, "well...it was a really good plot idea".
Black women not supporting black films...that's just racist.
So on Saturday night I went to dinner with a couple of friends, and joining us were 3 very cute black women that one of my friends had met in a taxi line the night before (vegas, baby). They were from Miami, and one of them was a cheerleader for the Dolphins. She's also in the Flo Rida/Timbaland video "Elevator", playing the role of "Dime Piece" on the second floor. So we're talking rap video quality here.
We're all getting to know each other, and then one of them asks me what I do for a living. I say writer, TV and movies. Then she asks what kind of stuff I've written.
And that's when I'm smiling like the cat who swallowed the canary. I got this in the bag, friends. Finally, my credit sheet is gonna score me some points!
I very slyly mention that I've done some work on Comedy Central, and buildup to: "and I also wrote the movie...In the Mix".
And I wait. and wait. And nothing. They say nothing. They just look at me. Then I have to add:
"You know, starring Usher".
Come on, black women, be with me here! You're in a damn Flo Rida video! But still, nothing. I swear it was a couple seconds of just silence. And then I have to add:
"I guess you haven't heard of it".
Then Flo Rida girl goes, "No, that's where Usher plays a DJ, right?" And I say yes. She adds, "and he's in love with the mob boss's daughter?" Yes!!!
A moment of nodding at the table. Then the knife, "well...it was a really good plot idea".
Black women not supporting black films...that's just racist.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
All Palin, All the Time
I've been literally on my computer non-stop just waiting for the other Palin tacky shoe to drop. I know some crazy shit is gonna come out about her, and I can't wait for it to happen.
Meanwhile, I thought her speech was great last night. That's how you attack the other side. You never saw anything like that at the Democratic Convention, because they are huge pussies. Everything with them started with "John McCain is a great man...". No. That's not how you do it. You go on a moose hunt with Levi and you don't come back until you "shoot some shit".
But finally, another funny thing came out:
"Palin Attended 5 Colleges in 6 Years"
Hawaii Pacific
North Idaho College
University of Idaho
Matanuska-Susitna College
University of Idaho...again
My uncle attended 6 colleges in 7 years. And coincidentally like Levi, he has a mullet and likes to shoot things. I called him for reaction and he said that he's "very disappointed at being passed over for the VP spot and stuff. It's not the first time I've been passed over for someone with a vaj".
Did you know that snooty, high fallutin' Barack Hussein Obama went to Harvard? We don't need your learnin'!
Meanwhile, I thought her speech was great last night. That's how you attack the other side. You never saw anything like that at the Democratic Convention, because they are huge pussies. Everything with them started with "John McCain is a great man...". No. That's not how you do it. You go on a moose hunt with Levi and you don't come back until you "shoot some shit".
But finally, another funny thing came out:
"Palin Attended 5 Colleges in 6 Years"
Hawaii Pacific
North Idaho College
University of Idaho
Matanuska-Susitna College
University of Idaho...again
My uncle attended 6 colleges in 7 years. And coincidentally like Levi, he has a mullet and likes to shoot things. I called him for reaction and he said that he's "very disappointed at being passed over for the VP spot and stuff. It's not the first time I've been passed over for someone with a vaj".
Did you know that snooty, high fallutin' Barack Hussein Obama went to Harvard? We don't need your learnin'!
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
90210, Episode 1
Well, it's here. The "new class" 90210 idea has been talked about for at least ten years - even while the old one was still on the air. It always seemed weird to me that the networks weren't jumping on it, especially the WB back in the day. And now when it finally got the green light, everyone was like "new 90210! what a genius idea!". Dude, it's been sitting there forever.
The show begins with a family of four, led by Rob Estes (the poor man's Grant Show) and Lori Loughlin driving into Beverly Hills from Kansas. Why do all of these shows begin with this premise? Brandon and Brenda moved in Beverly Hills from Minnesota. Ryan moved to the OC from Chino. Jen was the whore from the city who moved to the creek. Same ole' shit.
By the way, Lori Loughlin and Rob Estes as the parents? We've come along way since Jim and Cindy Walsh, people.
Also, the daughter is disgustingly skinny. I mean, disgusting. Who thinks that is attractive? The "son" is adopted (just like Ryan by the Cohen's!), a black kid played by one of my favorite actors from "The Wire". They move in to Rob Estes' childhood home where his drunken mother is - who is played by the drunken mom from "Arrested Development".
Rob Estes is the new principal at West Beverly (dad as principal = Dawson's Creek), and the kids are now going to school there. The super skinny daughter spots a guy she's met "a couple summers ago" getting a blow job in the parking lot. Blow jobs! Updated for 2008, baby!
The cool kids quickly get introduced, including a curly haired broad who is supposed to be the new Kelly Taylor. And speaking of Kelly Taylor, she is at West Beverly as a guidance counselor and an ex-girlfriend of Estes. And this is when I realize that I am old. Kelly Taylor, guys. Kelly Taylor. The dried up guidance counselor.
There's an inside joke as "Hannah Zuckerman Vasquez" is the school president, and someone goes "what is she, like 30?" Not bad. But I hope this doesn't mean we're gonna have an Andrea appearance.
Speaking of old character's kids, next we meet Erin Silver. That's right, Kelly and David's half sister. And she is hot. I always knew that baby was gonna grow up fine. But wait, super skinny also. Doesn't anybody eat in this "zip"!
Oh my God, the Peach Pit is back. This is totally unnecessary. Also unnecessary, Joe E. Tata. Oh and guess what? He's not flipping burgers, he's making coffee. Updated for...1999?! I liked that "joke" 12 years ago, when it was on "Friends".
Skinny Girl #1 gets roped into the cool crowd, and befriends the Kelly Taylor girl (Naomi) who happens to be going out with the blow job guy. Uh oh - it wasn't her giving him that blow job. She doesn't say anything, but does let Naomi steal her term paper. The cool crowd has it's dark side, yo.
Oh no, Erin Silver has a blog. And she hates on bitches with it. Updated for 2008, y'all!
Some girl with horrible, horrible bangs likes to steal shit because she owes drug money.
It looks like the "theater department" is going to be a major component of the show for some reason. Super skinny Girl #1 (Annie) joins in, and Willie Pip's a girl by singing a song really well. She's gonna be a star. But then, her dad/principal busts her on the plagiarized term paper.
Rob Estes looks a lot like what I thought Jason Priestley would grow up to look like. You know, handsome and not all short and weird.
Naomi has a super sweet 16 party. Updated for...sorry. Through a complicated subplot involving the black kid from "The Wire" getting kicked off the lacrosse team, Naomi finds out that blow job boy is cheating on her. Nothing super or sweet about that, friends.
Somehow we find out that Rob Estes has a long lost child with Naomi's mom. Yeah, I don't know either.
Erin Silver is anti-establishment. You know, she has a blog and everything. She steals Annie away from the super sweet 16 to take her to a "real" party. They go to a little beach shin dig in Santa Monica. Hmmm, where have I seen a beach party like this before? The OC, bitch. Blow Job Boy surfs! Oh, that's so Dylan. Annie apologizes to him for yapping about the blow job/cheating thing. He says it's okay. There's a spark...except for he then heads over to Naomi and they make up. Snap! I smell a Brenda/Kelly/Dylan love triangle coming on.
Cut to: Kelly Taylor at home. She's talking on the phone to someone, we don't know who. She says "he's been asking about you". Then "I can't talk, he just came in" and a little boy, her son, appears. Who was on the phone? Brandon? Dylan? The oft-forgotten but actually a long running cast member Matt? We don't know!
That was the pilot. Hour #2...
Annie announces that she's broken up with her boyfriend back in Kansas. I didn't even hear that before. Okay. Some rival school's lacrosse team trashes West Beverly Hills, but Estes orders the boys not to retaliate. I seem to recall a similar story line involving Principal Belding.
Annie clumsily interrupts a new "cute" guy we haven't seen before singing. They're both in the musical together. Hmm, a high school musical. High school musical. Updated!
Bangs girl tells hunky bearded teacher that she's auditioning for a movie "so she can pay her mortgage cause her mom can't". Everyone isn't rich at West Beverly. Maybe she lives at Andrea's grandma's house. I really hope someone out there is getting these inside 90210 jokes.
Silver blogs about Naomi getting cheated on. Fucking blogs, so lame. By the way, Naomi is supposed to be "the hottest girl in school", she's easily the least hot of anyone on the show. I'd bang Lori Loughlin before her, but then again, I am old.
The other kids don't want to include Dixon (the black kid) on the revenge plans because his dad is the principal. So he and his dorky non-sports playing friend take it on themselves to do something. Annie gets asked out by the "cute" guy. Silver encourages this, but she probably just wants to haterade blog about it.
Okay, this is my favorite part. Annie's date picks her up in a Bentley, then drives her to a private plane because their having dinner in...San Francisco. That's right. A 16 year old with a bentley and a G4. What is he, one of the Jonas' brothers? See? I'm hip!!! I know young people stuff.
Hunky bearded teacher asks kelly out. She breaks the news that she has a kid. He tells her "everyone has some baggage". Ouch. Whenever a girl tells me she has a kid I act like it's the greatest news I've ever heard. Then I run away...after 3 months of dating.
Dixon's dorky friend's dad produces porn. I like where this second episode is going.
Annie is having the perfect date with Bentley Boy...I have a feeling there is something seriously wrong with this dude. Let's remember, Steve Sanders drove a fancy car too.
All right, we're at the coffee version of the Peach Pit. Kelly is there, and so is...Brenda! God. Did they really have to bring her back? I'd rather have Val, hell, I'd rather have anyone except for Andrea. Brandon is traveling the globe or some such, it's not clear. No hints if he's the father. Kelly and Brenda vow to spend more time with each other. They're just shoe horning this crap in, it's a tad annoying. I don't know why it was hard to organically work these people in.
Grandma - who serves absolutely no purpose on the show, there's seriously like 5 too many characters - gets in an accident. Annie is on her date and rushes home, and finds her Grandma hanging out with that sister from "Dallas". She is blow job boy's grandma. Annie and him hang out and bond. Let's adjust the love triangle, now it's Annie/Bentley Boy/Blow Job Boy.
Naomi revenge fucks some blonde douche named George. The lacrosse boys get revenge with some pigs. Estes wants someone to take responsibility or else the lacrosse season is over. I'm so bummed at Dixon's role in this. Do you understand how cool is character was in "The Wire"? Well, it was pretty cool.
Holy shit! Shot of Silver and Annie walking together. Combined they probably weigh a buck thirty. Gross. Kim Kardashian is famous for a reason, casting directors, her fat ass. Give us some of that on television. Enough with these skinny bitches.
Naomi and Blow Job dude break up, that's what blow jobs do - they ruin lives. She says: "you're breaking up with me?" Him: "I'm breaking up with us". Not exactly "I choose me", is it?
Bearded guy brings Kelly flowers and apologizes. Bentley Guy shows up outside Annie's house and makes out with her, just as Blow Job Boy shows up with a stuffed animal. He sees them and dejectedly walks away...
The show begins with a family of four, led by Rob Estes (the poor man's Grant Show) and Lori Loughlin driving into Beverly Hills from Kansas. Why do all of these shows begin with this premise? Brandon and Brenda moved in Beverly Hills from Minnesota. Ryan moved to the OC from Chino. Jen was the whore from the city who moved to the creek. Same ole' shit.
By the way, Lori Loughlin and Rob Estes as the parents? We've come along way since Jim and Cindy Walsh, people.
Also, the daughter is disgustingly skinny. I mean, disgusting. Who thinks that is attractive? The "son" is adopted (just like Ryan by the Cohen's!), a black kid played by one of my favorite actors from "The Wire". They move in to Rob Estes' childhood home where his drunken mother is - who is played by the drunken mom from "Arrested Development".
Rob Estes is the new principal at West Beverly (dad as principal = Dawson's Creek), and the kids are now going to school there. The super skinny daughter spots a guy she's met "a couple summers ago" getting a blow job in the parking lot. Blow jobs! Updated for 2008, baby!
The cool kids quickly get introduced, including a curly haired broad who is supposed to be the new Kelly Taylor. And speaking of Kelly Taylor, she is at West Beverly as a guidance counselor and an ex-girlfriend of Estes. And this is when I realize that I am old. Kelly Taylor, guys. Kelly Taylor. The dried up guidance counselor.
There's an inside joke as "Hannah Zuckerman Vasquez" is the school president, and someone goes "what is she, like 30?" Not bad. But I hope this doesn't mean we're gonna have an Andrea appearance.
Speaking of old character's kids, next we meet Erin Silver. That's right, Kelly and David's half sister. And she is hot. I always knew that baby was gonna grow up fine. But wait, super skinny also. Doesn't anybody eat in this "zip"!
Oh my God, the Peach Pit is back. This is totally unnecessary. Also unnecessary, Joe E. Tata. Oh and guess what? He's not flipping burgers, he's making coffee. Updated for...1999?! I liked that "joke" 12 years ago, when it was on "Friends".
Skinny Girl #1 gets roped into the cool crowd, and befriends the Kelly Taylor girl (Naomi) who happens to be going out with the blow job guy. Uh oh - it wasn't her giving him that blow job. She doesn't say anything, but does let Naomi steal her term paper. The cool crowd has it's dark side, yo.
Oh no, Erin Silver has a blog. And she hates on bitches with it. Updated for 2008, y'all!
Some girl with horrible, horrible bangs likes to steal shit because she owes drug money.
It looks like the "theater department" is going to be a major component of the show for some reason. Super skinny Girl #1 (Annie) joins in, and Willie Pip's a girl by singing a song really well. She's gonna be a star. But then, her dad/principal busts her on the plagiarized term paper.
Rob Estes looks a lot like what I thought Jason Priestley would grow up to look like. You know, handsome and not all short and weird.
Naomi has a super sweet 16 party. Updated for...sorry. Through a complicated subplot involving the black kid from "The Wire" getting kicked off the lacrosse team, Naomi finds out that blow job boy is cheating on her. Nothing super or sweet about that, friends.
Somehow we find out that Rob Estes has a long lost child with Naomi's mom. Yeah, I don't know either.
Erin Silver is anti-establishment. You know, she has a blog and everything. She steals Annie away from the super sweet 16 to take her to a "real" party. They go to a little beach shin dig in Santa Monica. Hmmm, where have I seen a beach party like this before? The OC, bitch. Blow Job Boy surfs! Oh, that's so Dylan. Annie apologizes to him for yapping about the blow job/cheating thing. He says it's okay. There's a spark...except for he then heads over to Naomi and they make up. Snap! I smell a Brenda/Kelly/Dylan love triangle coming on.
Cut to: Kelly Taylor at home. She's talking on the phone to someone, we don't know who. She says "he's been asking about you". Then "I can't talk, he just came in" and a little boy, her son, appears. Who was on the phone? Brandon? Dylan? The oft-forgotten but actually a long running cast member Matt? We don't know!
That was the pilot. Hour #2...
Annie announces that she's broken up with her boyfriend back in Kansas. I didn't even hear that before. Okay. Some rival school's lacrosse team trashes West Beverly Hills, but Estes orders the boys not to retaliate. I seem to recall a similar story line involving Principal Belding.
Annie clumsily interrupts a new "cute" guy we haven't seen before singing. They're both in the musical together. Hmm, a high school musical. High school musical. Updated!
Bangs girl tells hunky bearded teacher that she's auditioning for a movie "so she can pay her mortgage cause her mom can't". Everyone isn't rich at West Beverly. Maybe she lives at Andrea's grandma's house. I really hope someone out there is getting these inside 90210 jokes.
Silver blogs about Naomi getting cheated on. Fucking blogs, so lame. By the way, Naomi is supposed to be "the hottest girl in school", she's easily the least hot of anyone on the show. I'd bang Lori Loughlin before her, but then again, I am old.
The other kids don't want to include Dixon (the black kid) on the revenge plans because his dad is the principal. So he and his dorky non-sports playing friend take it on themselves to do something. Annie gets asked out by the "cute" guy. Silver encourages this, but she probably just wants to haterade blog about it.
Okay, this is my favorite part. Annie's date picks her up in a Bentley, then drives her to a private plane because their having dinner in...San Francisco. That's right. A 16 year old with a bentley and a G4. What is he, one of the Jonas' brothers? See? I'm hip!!! I know young people stuff.
Hunky bearded teacher asks kelly out. She breaks the news that she has a kid. He tells her "everyone has some baggage". Ouch. Whenever a girl tells me she has a kid I act like it's the greatest news I've ever heard. Then I run away...after 3 months of dating.
Dixon's dorky friend's dad produces porn. I like where this second episode is going.
Annie is having the perfect date with Bentley Boy...I have a feeling there is something seriously wrong with this dude. Let's remember, Steve Sanders drove a fancy car too.
All right, we're at the coffee version of the Peach Pit. Kelly is there, and so is...Brenda! God. Did they really have to bring her back? I'd rather have Val, hell, I'd rather have anyone except for Andrea. Brandon is traveling the globe or some such, it's not clear. No hints if he's the father. Kelly and Brenda vow to spend more time with each other. They're just shoe horning this crap in, it's a tad annoying. I don't know why it was hard to organically work these people in.
Grandma - who serves absolutely no purpose on the show, there's seriously like 5 too many characters - gets in an accident. Annie is on her date and rushes home, and finds her Grandma hanging out with that sister from "Dallas". She is blow job boy's grandma. Annie and him hang out and bond. Let's adjust the love triangle, now it's Annie/Bentley Boy/Blow Job Boy.
Naomi revenge fucks some blonde douche named George. The lacrosse boys get revenge with some pigs. Estes wants someone to take responsibility or else the lacrosse season is over. I'm so bummed at Dixon's role in this. Do you understand how cool is character was in "The Wire"? Well, it was pretty cool.
Holy shit! Shot of Silver and Annie walking together. Combined they probably weigh a buck thirty. Gross. Kim Kardashian is famous for a reason, casting directors, her fat ass. Give us some of that on television. Enough with these skinny bitches.
Naomi and Blow Job dude break up, that's what blow jobs do - they ruin lives. She says: "you're breaking up with me?" Him: "I'm breaking up with us". Not exactly "I choose me", is it?
Bearded guy brings Kelly flowers and apologizes. Bentley Guy shows up outside Annie's house and makes out with her, just as Blow Job Boy shows up with a stuffed animal. He sees them and dejectedly walks away...
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Sarah Palin: Gift From the Comedy Gods
Just when we were getting tired of black president jokes and old president jokes and Joe Biden's hair jokes, along comes Sarah Palin to give us a comedy injection. Holy shit. I love Sarah Palin. I cannot stop reading about her. If given a choice between reading about Sarah Palin and watching the new 90210 tonight, I would choose Palin (90210 will be recorded - I'm not crazy, people).
I can't believe how great Sarah Palin is. She's semi-hot. She has crazy eyes. She wears slightly naughty glasses. She shoots guns. She isn't just the Governor of Alaska, she's a character from a Russ Meyer film!
McCain is a wild man. This is the craziest pick since the Denver Broncos drafted Maurice Clarett (sports joke). And I love how much Republicans are pretending the choice is genius. I heard a GOP guy on Fox News say, "well you know, she's the governor of Alaska which, if you go by land mass, is the biggest state in the country!" I swear to God a guy said that. The population of Alaska is equivalent to Austin, Texas, dude.
But let's get to the good stuff.
She is really against abortion. I mean, really. She's against abortion as much as I'm against soup. And that's a lot. Even if you get raped, even if your life is in danger, even if your 17 year old daughter gets pregnant by a self described redneck and you just got picked to be the vice president, nope, no abortion for you!
So yeah, her daughter Jamie Lynn is pregnant. And you know what Sarah Palin is against even more than abortion? Sex education in schools. Nice! And this gets to what I hate about conservatives/traditionalists. Their beliefs operate in some kind of dream world. You know, the kind of dream world where teenagers wait for marriage, or gays choose to be gay. It's just like when Rush Limbaugh used to yell that all drug addicts should be thrown in jail, and then he got hooked on hillbilly heroin and did everything he could to avoid jail.
All that shit would be great in a perfect world. I'd love it if there were no drugs and they weren't so damn fun, or if kids didn't want to fuck each other. That would be awesome. But the sad, unfortunate truth is that blow jobs are pretty cool. And I liked them when I was 15. I didn't get any, but I was pretty sure I liked them. And that's what Sarah Palin is to me. She is the failed conservative/traditionalist in action. She believes in that perfect world. And then life happened. Or rather, a guy making sweet red neck love to her 17 year old daughter happened. That's why I love her and she is comedy gold. She will not bend.
I could've voted for McCain. I've liked McCain at times in the past. But I could never, ever vote for McCain/Palin. Cause I believe in, you know, science and stuff. But I almost hope they win because I want to see what happens with this Palin clan next. They're like the Bluth's, but with guns.
This woman has a chance to be next in line for the Presidency. But I guess we can take comfort in knowing that McCain is a virile young man with no health issues, who has never, ever had skin cancer 3 times.
I can't believe how great Sarah Palin is. She's semi-hot. She has crazy eyes. She wears slightly naughty glasses. She shoots guns. She isn't just the Governor of Alaska, she's a character from a Russ Meyer film!
McCain is a wild man. This is the craziest pick since the Denver Broncos drafted Maurice Clarett (sports joke). And I love how much Republicans are pretending the choice is genius. I heard a GOP guy on Fox News say, "well you know, she's the governor of Alaska which, if you go by land mass, is the biggest state in the country!" I swear to God a guy said that. The population of Alaska is equivalent to Austin, Texas, dude.
But let's get to the good stuff.
She is really against abortion. I mean, really. She's against abortion as much as I'm against soup. And that's a lot. Even if you get raped, even if your life is in danger, even if your 17 year old daughter gets pregnant by a self described redneck and you just got picked to be the vice president, nope, no abortion for you!
So yeah, her daughter Jamie Lynn is pregnant. And you know what Sarah Palin is against even more than abortion? Sex education in schools. Nice! And this gets to what I hate about conservatives/traditionalists. Their beliefs operate in some kind of dream world. You know, the kind of dream world where teenagers wait for marriage, or gays choose to be gay. It's just like when Rush Limbaugh used to yell that all drug addicts should be thrown in jail, and then he got hooked on hillbilly heroin and did everything he could to avoid jail.
All that shit would be great in a perfect world. I'd love it if there were no drugs and they weren't so damn fun, or if kids didn't want to fuck each other. That would be awesome. But the sad, unfortunate truth is that blow jobs are pretty cool. And I liked them when I was 15. I didn't get any, but I was pretty sure I liked them. And that's what Sarah Palin is to me. She is the failed conservative/traditionalist in action. She believes in that perfect world. And then life happened. Or rather, a guy making sweet red neck love to her 17 year old daughter happened. That's why I love her and she is comedy gold. She will not bend.
I could've voted for McCain. I've liked McCain at times in the past. But I could never, ever vote for McCain/Palin. Cause I believe in, you know, science and stuff. But I almost hope they win because I want to see what happens with this Palin clan next. They're like the Bluth's, but with guns.
This woman has a chance to be next in line for the Presidency. But I guess we can take comfort in knowing that McCain is a virile young man with no health issues, who has never, ever had skin cancer 3 times.
Monday, September 01, 2008
4 Out of 5 Strippers Enjoy "Swingtown"
I keep meaning to write about how I've been enjoying the show "Swingtown" this summer. If you don't like a show that features Grant Show with a mustache as an airplane pilot swinger, you're anti-American. It is the part the man was born to play. This is his Forrest Gump or Michael Corleone. It's one of those roles where you don't know where Grant Show begins and Tom Decker ends. And I vote that any and all future mustache references belong to Grant Show. Sorry Selleck, you had a great run but it's over.
The reason I've finally mentioned this is because of a stripper. I went to Vegas this weekend for a fantasy football draft. Shut up. I only knew one of the guys there, but the rest were the type of dudes who haven't been let out on their own for a vacation since they got married, and haven't seen a fresh pair of boobies since Clinton's first term in office. Translation = no clubs, no gambling, just immediate trip to the strip club.
Now I'm not gonna lie, I don't hate the strip club. However, I usually only go while in Vegas after being completely rejected at the regular club, and I'm drunk and it's 3 in the morning. But these guys wanted to go immediately. Like, early on, no drinks, no nothing, just strip club.
So I walk in the cab line at my hotel - the sun is still high in the sky, mind you - and tell the guy "Spearmint Rhino, please". And he smiles and goes, "Feel like some titties in the face, huh?"
Just whistle the cab, motherfucker.
I meet the guys there and we're there so early, it was like the Griswold family getting to Walley World: first ones here! The strippers looked at my pudgy, pasty posse and attacked us like Jill Scott and Angie Stone at the BET Awards buffet. And here's what the next 20 conversations I had started with:
Stripper: What are you in town for?
Me: Uh, fantasy football draft.
Stripper (horrified): Oh...that's nice.
Helpful tip: strippers are not impressed by guys who play fake football with each other.
But I got into an in depth conversation with one of them, a delightful young lady from the Sacramento area. She just broke off her engagement with her high school sweetheart after being together for 8 years. Anyway, she loves "Swingtown".
We talked about it for a good half an hour. I'm not kidding. It was great times, and amazing to me that I could find my "Swingtown" loving soulmate at all places the Rhino. And I'm regaling her with "dream" of meeting someone, getting a house with a pool, and growing a mustache and throwing key parties.
Finally, we encounter an awkward pause. And then this actual dialogue happens:
Stripper: So what do you do for a living?
Me: I'm a writer.
Stripper (excited): Oh, really? That's so cool! What kind of writing do you do?
Me: Comedy.
Stripper: But you're not funny.
She was not kidding. The joke was on her though, cause she just wasted 30 minutes talking to a fantasy football playing douchebag and didn't get any cash for it.
But "Swingtown" is still cool.
The reason I've finally mentioned this is because of a stripper. I went to Vegas this weekend for a fantasy football draft. Shut up. I only knew one of the guys there, but the rest were the type of dudes who haven't been let out on their own for a vacation since they got married, and haven't seen a fresh pair of boobies since Clinton's first term in office. Translation = no clubs, no gambling, just immediate trip to the strip club.
Now I'm not gonna lie, I don't hate the strip club. However, I usually only go while in Vegas after being completely rejected at the regular club, and I'm drunk and it's 3 in the morning. But these guys wanted to go immediately. Like, early on, no drinks, no nothing, just strip club.
So I walk in the cab line at my hotel - the sun is still high in the sky, mind you - and tell the guy "Spearmint Rhino, please". And he smiles and goes, "Feel like some titties in the face, huh?"
Just whistle the cab, motherfucker.
I meet the guys there and we're there so early, it was like the Griswold family getting to Walley World: first ones here! The strippers looked at my pudgy, pasty posse and attacked us like Jill Scott and Angie Stone at the BET Awards buffet. And here's what the next 20 conversations I had started with:
Stripper: What are you in town for?
Me: Uh, fantasy football draft.
Stripper (horrified): Oh...that's nice.
Helpful tip: strippers are not impressed by guys who play fake football with each other.
But I got into an in depth conversation with one of them, a delightful young lady from the Sacramento area. She just broke off her engagement with her high school sweetheart after being together for 8 years. Anyway, she loves "Swingtown".
We talked about it for a good half an hour. I'm not kidding. It was great times, and amazing to me that I could find my "Swingtown" loving soulmate at all places the Rhino. And I'm regaling her with "dream" of meeting someone, getting a house with a pool, and growing a mustache and throwing key parties.
Finally, we encounter an awkward pause. And then this actual dialogue happens:
Stripper: So what do you do for a living?
Me: I'm a writer.
Stripper (excited): Oh, really? That's so cool! What kind of writing do you do?
Me: Comedy.
Stripper: But you're not funny.
She was not kidding. The joke was on her though, cause she just wasted 30 minutes talking to a fantasy football playing douchebag and didn't get any cash for it.
But "Swingtown" is still cool.
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