Album of the Year: Lil' Wayne "Tha Carter III"

(NOTE: I had a hilarious post written about the underrated hilarity of nose whistling, but I had to honor a friend's request not to post it. Obviously I can't divulge the details, but let's just say it involved a Fiddler on the Roof joke and the possibility of this person joining the nose whistling section of the LA Philharmonic. 

Instead, I have to write about more black stuff...from the Half Jewish perspective)

Lil' Wayne's "Tha Carter III is the best album of 2008.

Okay, calm down for a second. Just calm down. I hate him too. In fact, I bet I hate him more than you do. I hate when he does guest spots on other people's songs because he RUINS them every single time. He sucks. He's annoying. His voice is irritating. He doesn't even really rap. He just talks and laughs kinda. But unfortunately, his album is the best album of the year...by far.

That's how sad music is right now. Lil' Wayne, a guy I hate, has the best album. And I don't even like the two big "hits" - "Lollipop" and "A Milli" from the album. I'm not even counting those as quality songs. But you subtract those two and you have great stuff behind it...

There's "Mr. Carter" with Jay Z, "Comfortable" with Babyface, and "Got Money" with T-Pain. If you say you don't like "Got Money", you're lying...or you haven't been up in the club recently. Cause if you were, your ass would be on the dance floor raising the roof and singing "this way! that way!"

Most albums don't have a song as good as "Got Money" on them, not to mention songs as solid as those other two. But it doesn't stop there. I haven't even mentioned my two favorites: "Tie My Hands" with Robin Thicke and "Mrs. Officer" with Bobby Valentino. That's just too many good songs to deny. True, none of this shit would be any good without the guests on them, but that's just smart of Lil' Wayne to know that he sucks. He needed them, he used them, and it worked. So let's just hope next year is better so we don't have to hear more from this idiot.

True, an argument could be made for Q-Tip. "Renaissance" is a nice album...but it doesn't have hits. You can listen to that thing while you're working, or throw it on and clean up your place. You won't have to skip over any songs. It's a pleasure. A delight. But there is not a single song on there that you have to hear.

Before I leave you for the year, here's a little gift for you. It's my Christmas Mix '08 - Happy holidays!

1. "I'm So Paid" Akon and Lil' Wayne
2. "I'm Cheatin'" Dwele
3. "Gettin' Up" Q-Tip
4, "She Got Her Own" Ne-Yo, Jamie Foxx, and Fabolous
5. "Whole Lotta Kisses" R. Kelly
6. "Tie Me Down" Lil' Wayne and Robin Thicke
7. "Heartless" Kanye
8. "We Fight/We Love" Q-Tip and Raphael Saadiq
9. "Single" Ne-Yo
10. "Co-Star" Day 26
11. "Got Money" Lil' Wayne and T-Pain

Can Anyone Explain This?

I know I've covered this many times, but since I still haven't received an answer I feel it needs to be discussed once again. On the front page of yahoo at this very moment is a picture of Will Smith and this headline:

Film's mystery ignites Web
Fans scramble online to uncover the secret plot twist in Will Smith's new film.

Who exactly are these "fans"? They're obviously not fans of "7 Pounds", since they haven't seen it yet. They're not fans of movies since they want this one ruined for them. What are they fans of? Seriously, I'm asking you.

It makes no sense! And yet, I think I'm in the minority on this now. How can this be? It's madness, I tell you. This what it's like:

"Hi, enjoyment...here's a kick to your balls! Ha! Suck on that, pleasure and entertainment! Fuck you."

And scene.

The Bachelor + Racism = "Momma's Boys"

"Momma's Boys" is a new reality show on NBC. It started last night, but will begin airing on Mondays starting next week, and it is the reason why I will never make it in show business. How in the hell does anyone have the nerve to walk into NBC and pitch a show that is already airing on ABC? How?!

How can anyone have so little so shame, so little dignity, so little respect for creativity...wait, what? Oh, the Handleman research team has just informed me that the executive producer of "Momma's Boys" is Ryan Seacrest. Now that makes sense. And that's why he has 15 jobs, millions of dollars, hot fake girlfriends, and I don't. While I'm worried about what Ben Stiller is thinking, he's pitching shows that have already been on for 15 seasons.

Of course I watched "Momma's Boys". As you know, I will watch any Bachelor rip off on television. It's a simple premise and format, and I fall for it every time. Honestly though, the show is a bit different. Instead of 25 girls to start, they have 32! And instead of 1 bachelor, they have 3! And instead of one episode where they meet the mom, the moms are in every episode! I think the next movie I write is going to be about a regular high school girl who falls in love with a handsome vampire. Wait...3 handsome vampires! And their moms!

Here's the problem with you, Ryan Seacrest. You read what others had done and you took the next step. You didn't earn the knowledge for yourself, so you don't take any responsibility for it. You're standing on the shoulders of geniuses, er Mike Fleiss, to accomplish something as fast as you could and before you even knew what you had you patented it and packaged it and slapped it on a plastic lunchbox, and now you're selling it! (thank you, Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park)

Much to my chagrin, however, I got sucked in. But not because of the bachelor format, or the boobs, or the large number of black women, I got sucked in for the racism.

Yes, one of the guy's moms is a racist. Evidently she willingly went on camera and announced that she didn't want her son going out with "a black", or Asians, or even worse, Jews. She claims that "they just don't mix". And the best part about it is they took the tape of her saying that and showed it to the girls - 2 Asians and numerous blacks and at least half a Jew - right before they were going to meet her.

As Will Smith would say, "aw, hell no!"

So for fuck's sake, I have another bachelor show to watch, all the while the real bachelor is about to start up again.

And yes, I got the flood of comments about how the new bachelor is engaged. Okay, it was one comment, but I got it.

This is such a stupid thing. Every bachelor in the history of the show - except for Brad (or was it Chad?!) - could come out before the show aired and say he's engaged. Every one. It's obviously just a way to get some publicity, and they're probably pissed they didn't think of it before.

I'm not that stoked about Jason being the bachelor, and I'm not even the son he's abandoning to do it. First of all, there's that weird thing where the girls all know him before they get to the show. I hate that. There's no surprises, and they are there as fans instead of skeptical, albeit slutty, girls.

Second, it's good for the show in that I'm positive he will marry whoever he picks. Let's face it, the dude is desperate. But I think for that same reason it kinda sucks, I mean, the dude is desperate. It's more fun to see a guy who's got a little something going on with his life, rather than someone who will get on one knee to anyone who is willing to get in his hot tub. I'm looking at you, Charlie O'Connell.

How Are We Feeling About Kanye?

You may have seen Kanye embarrass himself on Saturday Night Live this weekend. It was not a surprise to me, because I've been watching him embarrass himself all over TV for the last two weeks. He's been going around the late night shows and was on "Today" doing the same thing: singing horribly.

His new album is called "808s and Heartbreaks". It's a new direction for the Ye. He went with rapping on his first three albums, probably a good idea since he's a rapper. But he decided to sing (with the use of Auto Tune) on this one. Some critics have hailed this new direction, and Kanye thinks he's doing some bold new shit. I'm not a music critic, but this genius new direction would be a lot more geniuser if T-Pain, Lil' Wayne, and Cher hadn't done it first.

So why the change? Well, I heard him interviewed and he said that when he would perform his old songs, the crowd would all sing along to the hook and he loved it, and it made him want to do an entire album that crowds could sing along to. Here's the problem with that philosophy: on his previous albums, Kanye wasn't the one singing those hooks. It was T-Pain, or Chris Martin, or Dwele, or a Steely Dan sample. Maybe he was just pissed that people had the nerve to only sing along to the parts of songs he had nothing to do with.

So now he's going around singing these songs live, without auto tune, and it is awful. Which kinda makes sense, since he's not a singer. And what I find to be a good rule of thumb is: before embarking on an album where you intend to sing, it's a good idea to be able to sing. Having a good singing voice is one of the most critical aspects of singing.

The only song on the album I like is "Heartless", which coincidentally is the only one with (sorta) rapping on it. Kanye is a great producer, and it feels like a bunch of songs he produced for someone else, aka someone that doesn't need a computer to sound good. That might've been a good album.

I think we all enjoyed Kanye's bat shit craziness in the past. It was fun. But now it's affecting his music and I can't stand for that. Kanye needs to get back to rapping and stop trying to sing live. Maybe he should also do what Britney Spears did...shave his head, that AC Green circa 1987 thing ain't working.

Possibly My Favorite Video of the Year

They say that Philadelphia is a tough town. It's the city that booed Santa Claus at an Eagles game. They cheered when Michael Irvin was lying motionless on the turf, possibly paralyzed. Well, I'm here to tell you that the city does have a softer, more sensitive side..at least when it comes to libraries. Here's one Philadelphia man's reaction to the news that a local library has closed...

Only In L.A.

I was picking up something at Fed Ex the other day and I got to the front of a long line and was waiting for the laziest, most miserable girl in the world to find my package. That's when a tall, fit looking woman walked in and took her place at the back of the line.

She asked the person in front of her to hold her spot for a minute, and placed her bag on the ground. She then took a few steps outside - there was a large sliding glass door that was kept permanently open. Right next to the door was the second most lazy, miserable person sitting in a folding chair working "security".

She stepped outside, right in front of him, and suddenly jumped into the pushup position. She pulled her knees up to her chest, then stood up, and then jumped into the pushup position again. She did this 30 times in a row, each one permeated by a loud, Monica Seles style grunt.

Everyone turned and watched her in disbelief. The Security Guard sat still in his chair, arms folded, not saying a word. It was bizarre.

So what did I do? Well, I got my package and then walked outside, stood behind her and took pictures - like some tourist in an exercised obsessed foreign land.




Message to Steve Jobs: the Iphone needs a video recorder, stat.

Is There Such a Thing As a Pro-Ceding Hairline?

I guess it would technically be called a progressing hairline, but pro-ceding just has a better ring to it. Anyway, my hair has never been a particular bright spot for me. No has ever confused my hair for John Stamos's hair. No one has ever confused our faces either.

I always wanted straight hair, but had to settle for a dirty blonde-ish jewfro. And that's why I've kept it short by getting the same exact haircut...for the last 32 years.

Now let's be honest, it's not exactly boisterous up there at this stage of my life. But I woke up the other morning with some signs of life. A lot of guys have receding hairlines, but I have a pro-ceding hairline. I am growing hair smack in between my eyebrows and my hairline. Well, not hair. One hair. One single strand of blonde hair.

That can't be right. There is no a strong chance that I will be bald but have a hairy forehead. That would be a first, I think. Not counting cro-magnons.

I tried to get a picture of it but it's really hard to see. I could only see it when standing in front of my "good mirror". That's the mirror that is in my kitchen and for some reason allows me to see every blemish and horrible shaving mishap I have.

So I went to where the good mirror is and took a picture. Where I'm pulling is the guilty hair.



So there you go, possibly the first ever pro-ceding hairline ever captured on film. Someone call Guinness...or Darwin.

Team Gervais is Better Than Team Handleman

I am bitter.

Part of what I do as a writer is write spec scripts. These are scripts that no one has asked me to write, but ones that I write on my own in an attempt to sell them to a production company or studio. Or at least, impress them enough that they will then to tell me to write something and pay me for it. This is obviously a very difficult thing to do...since they don't know who I am, didn't ask me to write them anything, and have "In the Mix" on my imdb profile.

The thing that I find the hardest about writing spec scripts is avoiding doing an idea that is too similar to something that has already been done. Every day that I'm writing something new I am scared shitless that I will read in Variety that Judd Apatow or one of his minions just sold my brilliant "Step Up Cause You Just Got Served" dance spoof.

So I'm flying back from Mexico and the movie they're showing is "Ghost Town" starring Ricky Gervais. It's about a guy who is able to see ghosts, and the ghosts use him to to right a wrong. Sounds a little familiar, yes? Maybe it's cause they just added "Town" to the title of "Ghost" and it made it a comedy.

Of course, that's just the most obvious example. There's also "Heart and Souls" starring Robert Downey Jr. (which ironically enough, was directed by the same a-hole who did "In the Mix"). This is the synopsis for that movie: Four people who died in a bus crash have to take care things they didn't before they died.

There's also the recent classic, "Over Her Dead Body" starring Eva Longoria, and the even more classic "Hello Again" starring Shelley Long. Now how in the hell do you have the nerve to write "Ghost Town" after all of this? How?! All you did was add "Town"!

True, I am not Ricky Gervais. And I'm definitely not David Koepp, who is a big time screenwriter (you could argue the biggest big time screenwriter). There's a different set of rules for them. I get that. I'm fine with that. And though I got angry when this movie was initially released in theaters, I did my best to ignore it. But here's why it's coming up now.

I recently had a "genius" idea that I really was fired about. It takes a lot for me to get excited to write something so I was feeling good. Maybe I could write it over the Thanksgiving week off. But hold the phone. Before I commence writing the awesome script that will most likely end up collecting dust in my closet, I wanted to check with Team Handleman about it.

I write an email. I say, here's the idea, I'm excited about it, but I don't want to waste my time if someone is already doing it. Please let me know. '

Team Handleman writes back, "well, I think Ben Stiller was thinking of doing something like that at one point, nothing ever happened...but it's been around, so you should stay away from it".

Motherfucker.

Oh, so Ben Stiller had a thought and now it can never be done again? That's great. That is awesome. So basically that means that not only can my spec scripts have to be completely different from everything that's ever been made, it also has to be completely different from everything that hasn't been made. That's insane.

David Koepp gets to rewrite a Patrick Swayze movie, but I have to know what Ben Stiller is thinking. And then Delta shows "Ghost Town" on flights from Mexico to Los Angeles and rubs it in. Thus, I am bitter. Thanks a lot, Thanksgiving.

The Commercial from Hell Hath Returned!

I cannot believe they have brought this thing back. Who thought it was a good idea? It had to be over objections from Beyonce's team of highly paid attorneys. This commercial is so insane, so funny, I can't believe Mathew Knowles ever allowed it to happen. It's got to be his biggest embarrassment since Solange.

As I wrote when I posted this the first time, "I think it's the head bob while talking about cable's weak HD lineup that gets me every time". Unfortunately, though it is hilarious, this stupid song and "Womanizer" have been stuck in my head all day. I don't know what's worse: "womanizer, womanizer, womanizer, you're a womanizer, oh...", or "Upgrade ya! Upgrade ya! Let me upgrade you to the best channels on HD!"

So now I have to torture you with it...