The Bachelor Episode 1: A Deadbeat Daddy and a Gentleman

So we're really doing this again, huh? Wow. Who will be the next Lamas? Which one is a virgin? Which one also has a kid (cause you know there's one of those)? What will be funnier than Brad (or was it Chad)? I don't know, let's watch!

The show starts off with a little montage of some of the girls. They are all kind of "pitching" themselves for Jason. This is what I was worried about. I like it better when they don't know who the guy is. I enjoy the possibility of the girl meeting the guy and not liking him, though that's never happened (that they've shown us). Whatever, I'll get over it. But you have to be worried about girls who are dying to get with Jason, particularly those labeling him a "stud".

Oh! There we go - Stacia - is 24 and a single mom (2 kids! Suck on that, planned parenthood). She also doesn't know how to jog. Swing those arms, creepy lady.

We have another "professional cheerleader". There's also pageant girl, and the producers would like us to believe that she cleans her apartment while wearing her sash and tiara.

Renee is 36, lives in LA, and wants to have sex with her dog. She is also the inventor of my new favorite psycho thing: a vision board.

Remember when I used to go ape shit about girls with a "life plan"? Okay, this is that times a thousand bananas. Cause that's bananas, girl. According to her, "a vision board is a board that you create based on what you want in life". This bitch has two of them! This show is looking up, I'm feeling the next rotting ovaries here.

Oh snap. Single mom number 2 in the building. This one is a widower, and has a "tribute to daddy" in her backyard. That's awkward. I'm not gonna make fun of her until she makes me.

The girls sit in the limo and lie it up about how great Jason is. Please, he's no Graham Bunn. I love that name.

All right, limo time. Let's officially meet the ladies...

LAUREN - 27, a teacher from Jersey. I've never done this before in the history of the bachelor, but I am declaring her the early frontrunner right now. She is a pretty darn hot. Too hot for him, actually.

KARI - from Kansas, and that's how she says it - Kari from Kansas. She's 27 and an advertising executive. She's got very white teeth - like Ross, from that one episode of "Friends".

MELISSA - 25, from Texas. She's plucky, and oh yeah, she's the cheerleader. That explains it.

SHARON - 32, a teacher from New York. She approaches with a gimmick, which I personally despise. Just a good and hearty "hi" will do, ladies. Don't need to walk up speaking french or doing the rumba.

NATALIE - 27, from Chicago. She's blonde. Also, an insane tan. Like Ross, from that one episode of "Friends" (I watch a lot of "Friends").

NAOMI - 24, a flight attendant. She's curvy. She looks like Eva Mendes when Eva Mendes isn't looking so good.

MEGAN - 25, she's a lacrosse coach. You know what that means, Jason...lesbo. Let me introduce to you my good friend, stereotypes.

STACIA - 24, from Utah. She's the one with 2 kids, I believe.

JACKIE - 26, she lies about her age.

LISA - 27, she might be black, I'm not sure, stay tuned. She's like Tiger Woods black or something, or maybe really Italian.

STEPHANIE - 34, the widower. She takes about 2 seconds to creep him the fuck out.

TREASURE - 28, a nurse. Her opener is a joke about her stripper name. I respect that. You have to do it, your name is fucking Treasure.

RAQUEL - 27, she's from Brazil. She has an accent. She's got the booty of 2 Brazilian girls. And you know what I say to that? Hellz yeah.

SHELBY - 23, from Stockton. She immediately disses her hometown. Hey girl, don't mess with the bay. She's blonde and nondescript.

NIKKI - 29, from Chicago. She asks about Ty, smart move. This girl is hot, and I am predicting right now she gets the label of "girl who isn't here for the right reasons".

MOLLY - 24, she wants you to know that she's a golfer. She is also cute, but is bringing way too many gimmicks to the table. Honey, you're cute, you don't have to do anything in life.

ERICA - 25, she is the first openly not skinny girl. Let's face it, she's chubs. Jason immediately recognizes this and spits out a "you're cute!" Easy there, buddy, not so obvious.

NICOLE - 25, she's almost Asian. Almost.

RENEE - 36, she has one, nay, two vision boards! She looks a lot like Molly, but 12 years older and bat shit crazier.

JILLIAN - 29, from Canada, ey. Not cute.

DOMINIQUE - 26, ah the dreaded "medical sales". Yeah, you and everyone else. I'm not liking her. The only Dominique in my world is Dominique Wilkins.

EMILY - 23, a blonde girl. She's a big Seahawks fan. Apparently, not a fan of hair dryers.

JULIE - 26, she's almost Asian too. Can these people stick with one race? I'm getting so confused. She's a bit of a chunky monkey, herself. But I respect that this season they are casting the short. They've skewed tall and mannish in the past.

ANN - 24, a flight attendant from Phoenix. Another bigger girl. She's got the arms of a young Steve Wisniewski.

SHANNON - 29. She does the fake teeth bit. Yeah, someone already did that 2 seasons ago, get your own joke.

And that's your 25. I have to say I'm quite impressed, there are some girls I can really get on board with. Props to the casting. The only quibble I'd have is that there aren't really any black girls or any kind of variety. I'm guessing Jason told the casting people that he's a racist, er, only likes white girls. It's a shame, because black girls is one of the reasons "Momma's Boys" is so awesome.

Jason walks into the house. The girls squeal. Who was the bachelor who got a standing ovation every single time he walked into a room? Anyone remember that?

Shannon says "I wanna be a mom so bad!" Frightening. All the girls are going on and on about how they love that Jason is a dad. Only on TV, folks. She also knows everything about Jason. She knows his birthday, his brother, the name of his brother's girlfriend, she frequents his myspace page. Oh boy. People really don't know what they're doing, do they?

The dancing girl - Sharon - reveals to him that she quit her job to be on the show. Coincidentally, Jason quit being a dad to be on the show.

Kari reads a poem she wrote for Jason. Oh Lord. The sort of asian girl is forced to sit there awkwardly as the poem is read, and forces out a "I have something for you too! But I have to give it to you later". I think I saw this on an episode of Brady Bunch once. Only I think her gift is gonna involve vagina.

The girls cook wieners and use the word wieners.

The first impression rose is placed on a table...

And guess who puts the moves on...Nikki! Aka the girl I labeled "not here for the right reasons". She's damn cute, in an overly made up, pageanty sorta way. But she's smooth.

Oh no! Renee immediately starts telling Jason about her vision boards! Sweetie, you're not 36 and still single for nothing. Hint: it rhymes with shmision boards.

He sits outside and talks with Lauren. She was the first one out of the limo and my brave pick for frontrunner. She looks like a girlfriend I had awhile back, only with boobs and prettiness. Jason says "wait here, I'll be right back!"

This is an obvious point here where's he's going to get the first impression rose for Lauren. And she interviews "of course I'm getting it, I mean, hello!" I nod my head. But then Jason comes back with no rose, just some food. This was a complete producer setup.

Oh boy, the producers keep trying to spice things up. Now they bring out a ballot box and the girls get to vote for a girl they want to go home, the woman with the most votes has to leave. Bullshit! The show has been on for 39 seasons for a reason, assholes, the format works. Stop messing with the magic. You know this is some sort of trick.

There's a funny moment where a girl says she voted for the Cowboy cheerleader because she tried out as a Cowboy cheerleader twice and got rejected. Heh.

Megan is all high and mighty about being a "good parent", and wondering if these other chicks are ready to be a parent. Turns out, her kid is 14 months old and she's all up on the bachelor? Bitch, please.

Finally, he grabs the first impression. He gives it to Nikki! That's right, the girl who isn't there for the right reasons always jumps out to an early lead.

Chris Harrison comes out with the results of the voting. Jackie, the drunk cheerleading reject, got the third most votes. Erica came in second. And the woman getting the most votes...Megan!!! There ya go, deadbeat.

But oh, it's the old switcheroo, she's not leaving. She's leaving...with a rose. She gets to automatically stay. Lame.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

I actually have some favorites I don't want to see go. I'm nervous. And obviously, extremely gay.

LAUREN - what did I tell you? I'm a bachelor-ologist. I got my phd in hot tub hos.

KARI - meh.

NAOMI - her nickname is "average Eva Mendes", and I think I could fall in love with her as the show continues. I'm glad she's in.

NATALIE - a tall blonde, and very cute, though heavily fake baked.

MOLLY - she's short, and I respect that.

RAQUEL - they didn't give Jason much flavor to work with, but this man enjoys a good latina booty as much as the next man.

STEPHANIE - the widower, had to be a producer's pick. She'll be gone in week 2.

MELISSA - thank God. The girls already hate her cause she's so damn adorable. I'm already slotting her in the top 4, that's where my confidence level is at right now.

JILLIAN - yikes. I don't get that one. That's like the 49ers picking Alex Smith.

SHANNON - ugh, teeth girl. And I just noticed she has fake boobs.

LISA - yes! We may still find out if this girl is black or not!

SHARON - this is the worst pick of the night. She's horrible, and a stalker.

ERICA - this guy loves junk in the trunk. Maybe that's why last year he was a DeAnna man.

Not too bad, overall. I would've liked to have seen vision boards for one more episode, just from the comedy standpoint. But some interesting ladies to work with here. It really seems like Jason enjoys brunettes with large rumps, and let's face it, latinas...why weren't there more of those to choose from?

Okay, before I go...the best part of the season: "this season on the Bachelor" preview is crazy. First of all, a lot of the girls seem to have amazing bodies. You can never get a good read on them in the first episode, but things are looking up. Second of all, the preview seems to imply that DeAnna comes back and the girls get pissed. They are totally hating on her, I love it. It's been 43 seasons, but you know what, I'm hooked again.

Until next week...