The Bachelor: Episode 4

There are 9 women left. There will be a one on one date, a group date, and one those infamous 2 on 1 dates. To "earn" the 1 on 1 date, the ladies will have to write and perform a love song for Jason. Yeah, this is gonna go well.

Nikki is getting less and less attractive every episode. What the hell happened? Someone recently alerted me to her sideburns and now I can look at nothing else. Think '70's era Elvis.

These types of horrible singing situations make me really uncomfortable. I can barely watch. The widow (widower) does a crazy opera thing, crazy Shannon raps (and ends it with "represent, baby baby!", which I respect), and Lauren sings a song that she stole from a real song. Coincidentally, someone has stolen her ass. Where is it? Her ass should be on a milk carton.

Molly wins. She did a goofy number that included some junk food humor - wait, is she the same girl I've been calling the food humorist? I have to look this up, hold on...Nope, it was Jillian. Damn. That would've been awesome.

Molly and Jason chill at the crib and the have a little campfire outside. She babbles about how "incredible" Jason is and how she wants to be with someone "exactly like him". But not him. Maybe exactly like him but with no Ty or ex-wife and also better looking and cool and stuff.

She gets a rose, and then Jason pitches a tent, and then coincidentally they sleep in a tent. Molly is sneaky cute, by the way. Her stock and Nikki's are on an opposite course.

Molly has to walk back into the house the next morning after spending the night with Jason. She says she has "no regrets". Blow job.

The group date is on the set of General Hospital. General Hospital is then repeated 500 times. General Hospital, General Hospital, General Hospital. Allow me a moment of (even more) gayness:

I didn't know Belle from "Days of Our Lives" was on "General Hospital" now. When did that happen?

And we're back. They make Average Eva Mendes play the maid. Racist.

Lauren keeps messing up her scene so Jason gets to kiss Average Eva Mendes a thousand times. Shannon has some really crazy teeth. In makes sense, since she's crazy. But are those veneers? I apologize, I don't know that much about teeth.

Oh boy, Megan kisses Jason for a "scene", and tries to eat his face off. He's actively trying to get unstuck from her. It's uncomfortable. And then Megan says "it's been so long since I kissed anyone". These are some lying fucking bitches. How'd you get that kid? And by the way, Megan, you're not 25. Maybe your kid is 25.

Next, they go to a "hollywood wrap party". Instead of good times though, the ladies get "emotional". There's a shock. They are women, right?

Lauren demands a rose. She also goes, "why'd you pick her? Do you like her?" She's referring to Megan. And maybe I'm being nicer to her because she's cute, but she does have a point. You get the feeling that Jason wants to say "well, I can only eliminate so many people at a time".

Let's break it down right now: the final four are Molly, Melissa, Lauren, and Average Eva Mendes...though Average Eva might just be my balls talking. Getting eliminated tonight: Shannon, Megan, and Nikki.

Just a question: isn't it still picking your nose if you're doing it with a napkin? Cause if so Shannon is openly picking her nose.

Average Eva Mendes gets the rose on the group date. Score one for my balls.

Jason goes on the 2 on 1 with Nikki and Stephanie to "the most romantic place ever". In reality, it's some shitty restaurant. But before they eat, they learn to dance. Great, dancing with widowers. There's your next hit, ABC.

On a side note, looks like Nikki inherited Elvis' sideburns but not his moves.

Jason asks them if they can move to Seattle. Nikki gives an answer which she thinks is great, but is actually really, really sad. She has nothing going on wherever she lives, she can move at the drop of a hat. Then she brings up the 11 year relationship. The dude woke up one day and said "I love you so much, but I don't want to marry you". Whoops. I blame the sideburns. He probably didn't want to risk having a kid with her and having a daughter that looks like Dylan Mckay.

Jason does a little speech, and then gives the rose to...Stephanie. Sorry, Brandon Walsh.

It's always fun when they complain that you're not opening up, and then you do open up, and they don't give you a rose. So really it's not that you weren't opening up, it's that you're lame. Nikki doesn't know "how much smarter I can get, or how much prettier I can get". The answer is a lot.

Seriously though, why is he keeping Stephanie around? She's almost older than Megan.

Jillian claims that "I don't get hot or cold". This is due to her being from Canada. The people from Canada are part human, part thermos.

Oh no. Megan says "o-m-g, am I really gonna be here?" y-n-2-5, no you're not.

On the one hand, Lauren is the best. On the other, she just said "cause we're getting married!" That's not good.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

MELISSA - don't you just constantly wonder what she looked like before the surgery?

JILLIAN - barely seen this episode, and her food humor bit was stolen. Paging, Joe Rogan.

Jason says he can't give out the final rose. Whoa. Switching it up. Thanks, producers. Holy shit, he's not giving it out. Lauren is gone?! That makes no sense. Stephanie is still there. Stephanie! The widow (widower). And no Lauren. Bananas, girl. I will say that is a genuine surprise.

He didn't want to lead any of them on. Okay, but at least lead Lauren on until the fantasy suite.

(after the "next week on...", they show Lauren on the group singing a song about how she wants to be famous. The chorus is literally "i want to be famous". well that explains a lot. We could've used that information in the actual episode, producers. what the hell? there you go, huge fame whore, and jason knew it)