The Bachelor: Episode 5. The Girls (Ladies) Go to Seattle

Before we get started, I'd like to remind everyone that on the first episode we were teased that DeAnna would be coming back and there would be tons of drama over it. That has not happened thus far, and doesn't look to happen this episode. Was it bullshit? A reality show misleading people? It can't be true.

Chris tells them they are going to Seattle. They are extremely excited. It's very rainy there, ladies, very gloomy. It's the suicide capital of the world. Uh oh, we have a Ty sighting. He's with Jason's sister in law. Or as Ty calls her, my new daddy.

Melissa gets the one on one date. Then, the saddest thing ever happens. For some reason, Jason is getting ready for his date with Ty in the room - I thought he'd just leave him on a street corner like usual. So Ty starts freaking out that Jason is going to leave him (yet again). And Jason says the stupidest thing in the world: "I don't think Ty understands what is going on". I don't understand what's going on and I'm not 4! Insanity.

So Jason calls Melissa and says he can't go out for a night on the town, would she mind coming over for more of a chill night? Does she hate large boobs? The answer to both of those questions is yes.

Melissa goes over and waits in the living room while Jason puts Ty to bed. Inexplicably, Ty can't fall asleep. He announces this to the bright lights and camera crew in his tiny bedroom.

Later, Jason and Melissa make out a little...and what's that peaking out above Melissa's shorts? Why it's a good ol' fashioned tramp stamp.

Group date: Molly, Jillian, and creepy Stephanie. Someone commented last week that they thought Jillian was a final 2 candidate. I don't see it. She is really not cute. She has friend zone written all over her. Then again, so does Jason, so maybe they're perfect for each other. If she also has an abandoned child, it's soulmate time.

Jason goes "Stephanie and I's relationship is different from the rest of the girls for a lot of reasons. First of all..." and then I reflexively spit out "cause she's old". She is a very frightening looking lady.

They go to a radio station and Jason gets interviewed and the girls aren't allowed to listen, but they can watch. He says the best date was with creepy Stephanie because he surprised her with her daughter. The only drawback to that date was that Stephanie was there.

Jason is asked which one is the best kisser and he says Molly. Then they blindfold him and each girl kisses him and he has to recognize which one is which. First of all, you know Stephanie has some kind of really strong, gross perfume. You can tell just by looking at her. And there is no second of all.

Jillian says she likes sex to "start off with giggling". Unfortunately, sex with me often starts with giggling when my undies are removed.

The girls are asked about sex, and creepy Stephanie says something really creepy. She talks about kissing him all over and loving on him, and there's a funny cut away to Melissa and Average Eva listening to the radio show at their hotel and being completely creeped out. They were making the same exact face I was. You know everyone in the house is like "what the hell is she still doing here?" She is the opposite of the "she's not here for the right reasons girl". She is the "she's totally here for the right reasons...good luck with that, old lady!"

Oh Lord, Jillian and Jason have some alone time and they totally bond and now I'm looking like an idiot. Jason, remember the pre-sex giggling.

Molly says she will never, ever get involved with someone her family doesn't approve of. Well that's kinda lame. Be your own person. She says she'll be kissing Jason "the rest of her life". Um, your parents haven't signed your permission slip yet.

Jason and Average Eva have a one on one. He calls her a "free spirit". I think we all know what that's code for...Mexican. No. Actually, freak in the sheets.

Jeez, here we go with the air travel theme again. They take off in an airplane from water. Oh, hell no. The only time I'd be okay with an airplane on water is if Sully is behind the wheel. And even then only in an emergency.

Then they climb a rock wall, which Average Eva calls the "best date ever". She needs to get out more. Let me be clear, Average Eva is sexy. I would easily go for her over everyone else left. And if I wasn't a lazy typer, her nickname would be "Above Average Eva". However, she does have somewhat of a bottom lip/chin issue. It's something I've been noticing a lot lately, especially because Michelle Obama has it too.

A weird conversation takes place. Jason asks about her family. She says that her mom fell out of love with her dad and split. Then she says she feels like she is a lot like her mom. Jason then says he's scared because what if Average Eva does the same thing to him that her mom did to her dad. That's quite a leap, bud. That's actually quite a crazy leap. Maybe she should be afraid because you're divorced. Not your dad. You are divorced.

Jason pays all the girls a visit. He takes Jillian out to make sure that she's desperately in love with him because he "can't have his heart broken again". Lame. Let me make sure everyone loves me before I stomp all of their hearts out except for the one I choose.

By the way, I did some digging and found a picture of this supposed devil woman Jason was married to. This is her:



Oh no, she kinda looks like...Jillian.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Chris says that only one of them is getting eliminated. It's gotta be Stephanie, right?

Whoa, before he gives out roses he wants to talk to some of them. This guy is breaking all the rules...after being told to break the rules by the producers.

He pulls aside Average Eva. He asks her if she's ready for his life. Dude, really? Yes, she's ready to pawn that kid off to that sister in law and go on rock climbing dates. She says all the right things, that is if you consider the right things to be a demonizing of the "single life". They talk about being single like it's having leprosy.

All right, roses...

JILLIAN - I'll admit to being wrong.

MELISSA - they are the favorites. And I'm speaking of her boobs.

MOLLY - Is it me or does she seem like some kind of bachelorette robot? She looks and acts like 20 other girls we've seen on the show before.

If this motherfucker takes Stephanie over Average Eva, I'm threatening a boycott that I'll never do.

AVERAGE EVA! - there is still some sanity left in the world.

Jason makes a speech about Stephanie in front of everyone, and starts to break down. He calls her "the most amazing person I've ever met". So amazing. he has no desire to meet her family. He also says that they are all better for having met her. Isn't it funny how you never want to have sex with people like that?

The tease for next week includes a lot of things, but does not include DeAnna.