Sorry, I don't mean this to be just a "Bachelor" blog, but there has been some shit going down, which I will be writing about in the coming days. Also, I have a couple of things in the hopper to write about so you Bachelor haters can relax.
A couple of fun facts before we begin: 1) Interesting to note that Jason is Jewish, as is (frontrunner) Melissa. This has not been brought up on the show, yet was a major element of "Momma's Boys". It's basically all they talked about. But on this show it is seemingly taboo. Is it a factor for him? It is for me, I don't like Jewish girls...except for Mila Kunis. But my love for her is enough for all other Jews.
2) This might be a spoiler...but we haven't seen DeAnna yet, and they heavily teased that she was going to be somewhat of a factor. However, she is supposedly dating Ace from the Real World, so there you go.
First up, Jason goes to Canada to visit Jillian and her family. Know what I like about Canada? Nothing. Oh, Martin Short sometimes. And Michael J. Fox all the time. He seems to really like this girl, I don't get it. Maybe it's her food comedy that has poisoned me against her.
Jillian tells him of her mom's depression. Uh oh. Remember how bummed he got when Average Eva told the story about how her mom ditched her dad? He basically assumed Average Eva would do the exact same thing to him. Unlike that, some depression can run in the family, but it's not gonna be politically correct of him to mention it. Meanwhile, everyone knows that the ditching your spouse gene skips a generation.
So Jason meets the depressed lady and everyone else, and guess what they immediately bring up? No, not Prozac - Jillian's famous hot dog theory! Oh boy. I really don't get it.
Jillian's sister is hotter than her.
Jillian's mom asks Jason: "you have your BA in psychology, right?" He goes "yes", and then she says "that'll be good to have in the family". Uh, yeah. RUN, JASON!!!
Mom mentions her struggles with depression. I don't know what your family is like, but I don't think me nor my mother nor anyone else I know would be comfortable talking about that on a damn reality show. Isn't that a little crazy? Well crazy, look who I'm talking about.
The women in Jillian's family have what doctors call "a little bit of a weight problem". Food jokes come from somewhere, people.
Date number 2 is in Grand Rapids, Michigan with Robo-ette, Molly. She tells us once again that she will "never ever again go out with a guy her parents don't like". That's a great way to live. You're 24! Live, dammit! She says how she was with her last boyfriend for 4 years and she could never bring him home because her parents hated him. That's Michigan code for...black guy.
I don't wanna get crazy, but they go golfing and sometimes Molly is flat out hot. Yes, an evil, subordinate, man pleasing robot, but hot.
"Molly is very quiet about her personal life, especially her romantic life"...you see what I'm saying here?
Molly's sister and husband come over. They look like they're 12 years old. That's because I'm 50. Jason looks down at her belly and says "congratulations". This reminds me of my favorite interview question that I made up: "excuse me miss: pregnant or unfortunate question?"
Molly's dad says he's not surprised by where she's at. Why? "Because you're a winner". He's like Vincent Price in Edward Scissorhands.
Third visit is with Average Eva in Lake Elsinore, Ca. All I know about that place is that the Padres have a minor league team there. Apparently they also have a girl who looks strikingly similar to an average version of Eva Mendes.
Average Eva puts on the full court press about "being here for the right reasons". Jason doesn't believe her for some reason. This is never really explained, she doesn't seem to be doing anything different than anyone else - why is he singling her out about this? Molly is 24 and a robot and has never dated a white guy, er, guy she would bring home to her parents - be concerned about her. It just seems like he's making up stuff about Average Eva to complain about because, oh know I didn't - he's just not that into her.
Jason meets her family and they hula hoop for some reason. Stupid. But, we discover that Average Eva's mom has held her shit together! This is good for the future, my friend. Unfortunately, she is bat shit crazy. Hey, no one can have it all. You're not gonna be having sex with Jillian's personality.
Average Eva's mom killed a dove and they bury it and give a eulogy and it's very insane. Average Eva is not helping herself here. Hector - her dad - is all skeptical about Jason, and starts talking about Jesus and religion. Turns out dude is divorced. Fuck you! That's why no one likes you, damn hypocrite. He basically asks Jason if he has any experience in the Catholic area, and Jason just says "I don't". He's a Jew, Bob.
I hate Hector. That would be a deal breaker even for me, and I don't care about (other people's) parents.
Could Average Eva's family be as crazy as their making them look? I'm talking past lives and shit. This isn't good. Hector says "being raised..Judeo Christian". What? Judeo Christian? That's not a religion. Fuck Hector.
And finally, we go to Dallas, Texas to meet Melissa's family. Or not. Melissa breaks the news to Jason that he'll be meeting her friends and not her family. Her parents are "not comfortable with the publicness". Thank you! Finally, a normal family. I would be happy. You shouldn't want to be on TV and burying dead birds and making up religions. That's not normal behavior.
Melissa's a chronic "dumpee" who has been "used and abused". Her friends are "tired of having a fifth wheel around". Oh my God, her and Jason are soul mates!
Very strange: none of Melissa's friends have met her parents. Oh, except one time in COLLEGE. They've been friends that long and never met the parents? Okay, this might be a little strange. The bird eulogy is looking up.
Melissa has serious self esteem issues and some crazy shit happened in her past, I guarantee you. I've gone out with too many nuts in my day. This is the kind of girl that will randomly demand that you punch her in the face.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
We can only assume that Average Eva is going home, and I blame Hector.
MOLLY - I get rose, I kiss Bachelor, I win contest.
JILLIAN - remember her mom and her grandma? I hope you like them, because that's your future, Jason.
well, bye bye Average Eva...
MELISSA - punch me! punch me!
So sad to see Average Eva get the boot, but that family was just too bananas. Plus, he was never really feeling her anyway. But Jason says, "it's not about your family, your family's amazing. I don't want you to think that. I loved your family". Translation: I hated your family. Damn you, Hector, damn you to hell!
Next week: more plane and helicopter flights...in New Zealand.
And later this season...blinky is back! Evidently, DeAnna shows up in New Zealand and blinks a lot.