I was watching Jeopardy last night and the part of the show came on where Alex "gets to know" each of the three contestants. What follows is an extremely uncomfortable moment where someone who has never been on TV before tells a "humorous" story to a host who could give a fuck.
As any Jeopardy fan will tell you, it's the worst part of the show and there is absolutely no reason for it. Do I really need to know that the Jeopardy challenger once bred championship cats? No. And it's even worse when that guy wins, cause he's gotta keep coming up with stories and at a certain point he's like "my sweater's made of cats."
But anyway, I was thinking: what would be my Jeopardy story? What's the most interesting thing from the history of my life that I would share with America? It's a lot of pressure to sum up your existence in a 30 second story.
I realized though that there's only one thing it can be. It's something that gets brought up to me every single day even though I desperately try to avoid the subject. You guys know it. I never knew it was a big deal until the last couple years. It would have to be this:
ALEX
And our next contestant is Irwin Handleman from Moraga, California. Irwin, it says here that you have never had soup. Is that true?
IRWIN
Yes, Alex, that's right. I've never had soup.
ALEX
Is there a reason for that, or...
IRWIN
No, no reason. I just don't like hot liquids.
ALEX
Very strange. Any other foods you have a problem with?
IRWIN
Seafood, Chinese food, Indian food, anything foreign, I guess, tomatoes, chili, anything that can be labeled "stew"--
ALEX
All right, let's get back to the game.
But I think if I kept winning, Ken Jennings style, I'd do a Sean Penn at the Oscars type thing, where I give a voice to an important issue. I'd like this to be brought to national attention...
ALEX
Irwin, It says here you once wrote a strongly worded letter to the makers of Wishbone dressing.
IRWIN
That's right, Alex. They changed the original formula. The delicious, original formula. It was my life, you hear me. My life! America needs to know about this, and I would like to use my position here as Jeopardy champion to say---
ALEX
Let's get back to the game.
9 comments:
I'm eating Progresso Light Barley and Vegetable Soup while reading this. No shit.
So I saw the real Eva Mendes tonight, at Casa Vega. She was with that chick who plays Carla on "Scrubs." All I could think aobut was how very unaverage she was. Well, that, and getting home to tell Irwin.
I need a life.
Does your hot liquid ban extend to coffee?
that is the worst part of jeopardy!! despite that and the obnoxious pretentiousness that is robot trebek, I always come back for more! and irwin, you would spice up the monotony - did you notice this week they are doing celebrity jeopardy? it's the one time you don't feel uncomfortable during the 'get to know' segment - they can pull it off without looking like they're about to have a panic attack. you should apply!
What about Gazpacho? I mean, ignoring for a second the fact that it's tomato-based. What about cold soups? What about hot chocolate? It's not soup, but it's a hot liquid.
Your neuroses make me happy.
And what about a sauce? Technically, hot liquid. Granted, generally a hot liquid poured over a hunk of tasty, tasty meat. Or potatoes. Wait! Gravy? Hollandaise? Where does the soup end????
It does extend to coffee, I've never had it. And ho hot chocolate, no cold soups, hell no on gravy, no hollandaise, no sauces of any kind, really. Well, except for delicious Kraft Hickory Smoke barbecue sauce.
Eva Mendes is the ultimate 2 face. Have you seen "Hitch"? She has 7 different faces in that movie, 4 of which are hot. There were some scenes I didn't even recognize her.
!! I thought I was crazy during "Hitch" when they seemed to be introducing a new character! I totally saw that!
I make my own bbq sauce, but I totally try to make it taste like the Kraft one.
One more: Hot caramel? Over ice cream??
no on caramel. but i can go for some hershey's syrup.
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