As you know, I find Facebook to be a wee bit retarded. But I got a "friend request" in my email the other day from a young lady. I didn't recognize her name or her picture, but she lives in Santa Monica. And being the egomaniac that I am I assumed that if I didn't know her personally, that she was probably just a huge fan of mine.
Thus, I accepted the friend request and got curious. I went on her Facebook page to see if maybe I do know her and I'm just really old and forgot who she was. I go on her page, and check out her info and pictures.
And she is hot.
Tall, blonde, pretty, just ridiculous. That's when I knew there was no way we were actually friends. To give you a sense of how hot she is, there was a bikini picture under which she wrote:
"Yep, I'm that ho with a swimsuit pic on Facebook"
Any tall, blonde girl who calls herself a ho is automatically hot. It's very difficult in these troubling times to find a fine ass blonde girl who brings the ghetto, and also cops to cheesiness and says "yeah, I'm hot and here's my body, fuck you".
For a brief moment, I thought I was like Jason Bourne and had this awesome past that I had forgotten about. Maybe I do rule. So I sent her an email. I wrote: "do we know each other?"
This is what she wrote back:
"Hi, sorry for the mix up. I was in a focus group for my friend who develops games for facebook yesterday. There was another Irwin Handleman in the group and we all had to friend each other. I accidentally friended you because you pop up before his name under search. I realized it later when I got a request from the other Irwin Handleman."
The other Irwin Handleman.
You know what I did next...
I quickly went back on Facebook, and saw that, sure enough, on her page were two different "became friends with Irwin Handleman" posts. I clicked on one Irwin, and it was me. I clicked on the other, and it was the guy I wish I was.
The other Irwin Handleman lives in LA and is far better looking and cooler than me. This hot girl who confused us is the UGLIEST girl he knows. He's the fucking Colin Farrell of Irwin Handlemans!
It reminds me - as most things do - of something from "Seinfeld". Kramer has a rooster that he has named Little Jerry Seinfeld who participates in cock fights. Jerry begs Kramer to stop the cock fighting, that it's wrong. But Kramer says Jerry is jealous, because:
KRAMER: You see in Little Jerry Seinfeld the unlimited future you once had. Now, just because Jerry Seinfeld is a has-been, don't make Little Jerry Seinfeld a never-was!
JERRY: Kramer, give me that rooster!
KRAMER: Never! You hate him because he's doing more with your name than you ever will!
Thanks, Facebook. Thanks a lot.