As you know, I'm a staunch anti-American Idol guy. It's pure evil. It's shocking that anyone watches it. And I guarantee in 20 years we're all gonna look back in embarrassment that it was popular, like we do now with NKOTB, bangs, and Bret Michaels. Oh wait...fuck.
I can't properly express my disgust with this whole thing. It's fucking karaoke, bad karoake, well, is there any other kind? I can't stand the fact that you people have made Randy Jackson think he's somebody. And I guarantee you that if you pick any fat black girl at random and they'd sing better than any of these kids.
So obviously, I'm not a fan and I don't watch. But this season, I kept hearing about this Adam Lambert fellow and how "amazing" he is. He was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. And then my mom and my sister were going on and on about him a few weeks ago.
I didn't know anything about him, but I was impressed by his ability to seemingly win over homophobic middle America since he is so clearly a homosexual.
Last night, the Lakers were making me a little uncomfortable. I hit the guide to search for something on TV I could switch over to just in case it was too painful to watch. I saw that American Idol was on, and I remembered about the gay kid, so I thought I might as well see what all the fuss was about.
Bynum made his 10th stupid ass foul and Fisher missed his millionth ill-timed shot, so I switched over to Idol. Lambert was just being introduced, and he came out and sang a Sam Cooke song, "Change is Gonna Come".
And it was...awful. Just horrible. No one could think this is good. It sounded like gay Axl Rose singing Sam Cooke. And I don't think Axl Rose was ever known for his "beautiful singing voice". Plus, nice suit, guy. I liked it better when Dustin Hoffman wore it while counting cards in "Rain Man".
You know who he looks like? Oliver from "The OC". Evil Oliver. Evil gay Oliver. Look it up, they're twins, and neither of them has a shred of talent. I felt bad for the black dude jamming on the guitar next to him. Hmmm, I've worked my entire life practicing the guitar, now I'm one of the best in the country, and all of America is looking at evil gay Oliver to my right.
I was shocked. But also excited, because I knew Simon was going to destroy him for it. Randy says he's awesome, the One No One Likes says it was awesome, Paula stands up and cries and upchucks an Oxycontin in praise, and then Simon...loves it too! What the fuck?
Oh yeah, he's a company man. He's a zillionaire and needs another zillion. And this is the finals, I guess. You can't clown on the guy you've hand picked to win the thing. Seriously, what would be the point of any of the judges saying anything bad at this point? It's all bullshit. Even if they're bad, the judges will say they're good. And America follows along.
So I put this to you, good people. What the hell? Can you explain this? This guy is horrible, right? Opening your mouth as wide as you can and screaming isn't singing, correct? Please, someone help.
Meanwhile, CBS picked up ONE new comedy for next season. One. And it's your fault.