Michael...or is it Steve?

Doesn't have the same ring to it as Brad...or is it Chad? But hey, the Bachelor loves twins.

Special treat tonight. I am on my couch, watching "The Bachelorette" with my mom. She has not watched the show before and has no idea who anyone is. She doesn't know I'm writing down everything she says. Here is a rundown of her comments.

MOM: So she was the dumpee, now she's the dumper?

ME: Yes.

MOM: She's not too attractive, huh?

ME: No.

MOM: Irwin, this is a stupid show.

ME: No, it's awesome.

MOM: What a dumb premise. So contrived. You can't go out with someone for a month and then marry them.

ME: Mom, don't hate on love.

Jillian visits Kiptyn's family and their big house in Encinitas, Ca.

MOM: Oh, they've got some bucks, huh?

ME: Looks like it.

MOM: That mom is horrible looking. That's a nose job. And her eyes are weird from the face lift. Who's this?

ME: Kiptyn.

MOM: Kiptyn?

ME: Yeah.

MOM: She's not picking him. Just because of that mom. And she's uncomfortable with his wealth.

Jillian hangs out with Jesse. They start kissing.

MOM: I can't look. Her nose!

MOM: You know, sometimes she looks okay, but sometimes...that nose.

Jillian visits Wes in Austin.

MOM: Is that the scumbag?

ME: Yes.

Wes starts singing.

MOM: He doesn't have a bad voice, you know.

Jake comes back to tell Jillian that Wes is a bad dude.

ME: Jake is the guy that says his problem is that he's "too perfect".

MOM: This guy?! (laughter)

MOM: (re: Wes) So he's gonna get booted tonight?

ME: We don't know. That's the beauty of the show.

MOM: He's getting booted.

Jillian confronts Wes about having a girlfriend.

MOM: She's pathetic. (getting up) I have to get a banana on that one.

(comes back to couch)

MOM: That guy's a sleeze ball. How could you not know he's a sleeze ball? He has funny eyes. Do you think he's good looking?

ME: He seems all right.

MOM: Eeewwwwww. He's really gross. And really gross hair.

Jake confronts Wes, and then cries.

MOM: Is he...crying? (huge laughter) He's gonna hate himself tomorrow!

A commercial for "The Ugly Truth" comes on.

ME: Do you wanna see this movie, mom?

MOM: Of course! Katherine Heigl is in it!

Jillian visits Wes' family. His mom goes "Wes is honest, he's gonna tell you the truth..."

MOM: That's what you're gonna say, you're his mom.

Jillian says "Wes wants to settle down and be a one woman man".

MOM: (eye roll) She's really dumb.

MOM: (looks at watch) How long is this thing?

ME: Half hour more.

MOM: What's left?

ME: The rose ceremony.

ME: She likes this dude (meaning Wes). Why? I have no idea.

Ed comes back.

MOM: Her whole hair thing is really annoying. Do you consider those bangs?

ME: Um, those are side swept bangs, which I have in the past made an exception for.

Jillian says "i can only take 4 guys with me..."

MOM: (sarcastic) Gosh! What to do, Jillian?!

Jillian talks to Chris about what happened on the hometown visits...

MOM: Like this guy hasn't seen the whole thing?!

ROSE CEREMONY

MOM: That little guy is getting booted.

Jillian immediately picks Reid right after she says that.

MOM: Oh jeez, I thought he was getting booted.

Shot of Wes.

MOM: He's yucky.

Kiptyn gets picked.

MOM: Is he the rich guy?

ME: Yep.

MOM: Jeez. I thought she'd be too intimidated by the whole scene.

She picks Ed.

ME: Come on, Michael!

Chris says "this is the final rose".

MOM: Does he always say that?

Jillian picks Wes.

MOM: This girl is the stupidest girl I've ever seen in my entire life.

Michael hugs the other guys.

MOM: That would be funny if they hugged all the other guys and then didn't say goodbye to her.

Michael leaves.

MOM: He's cute. I like him.

ME: Me too.

The preview shows Reid with Jillian in Spain.

MOM: That guy's a dork.

Then Wes slips up and says "girlfriend" instead of "ex-girlfriend".

MOM: Ha! That's pretty good!

There ya go. Thanks, mom!