How many guys on this show really like her? It feels like she likes them way more than they like her. Jillian has turned every dude on this season into Graham Bunn. And I knew Graham Bunn, I watched Graham Bunn, and these dudes are no Graham Bunn!
Sasha, who was eliminated last week, did an interview to eonline, here's a quote:
"When I first met her, walking out of the limo, I was like, eeesh, you know, not really, I would say, my type out of the gate. She's a cute girl, but not that attractive up front. Personality was really nice and sweet, but nice and sweet, that only gets you so far."
To show you just how bad things are this season, the producers have turned to other reality show concepts to try and liven things up. We've seen the Amazing Race, we've seen Pros vs. Joes, American Idol, and what's that one that's horrible? Oh yeah, all of them.
I guess the one positive thing that's come out of this season is Break Dancing Guy. I like Break Dancing Guy. He's funny. And he is there to make friends! You gotta appreciate that. And also appreciate the way he screams like a girl.
Onto the show...
For some reason, they're abandoning the house. Chris tells us that they will be heading to Jillian's hometown of Wienerville, er, Vancouver.
The man everyone hates, Juan - because he doesn't do shots - announces that Kiptyn - the prohibitive favorite - will get a one on one date. Can't get used to that name, Kiptyn. I keep thinking of Kip from "Bosom Buddies", but with an extra Tyn.
Kiptyn and Jillian go kayaking together and share several extremely awkward kisses. They are clearly forcing it. They have a lovely time and Kiptyn says he only goes out with girls who come up to him and never goes after the girls he actually likes. And the pattern continues.
Group date. They go curling, cause that's all they do in Canada, curling, hockey, and more curling. Break Dancing Guy is being funny, and a lot gay. He may be in love with Jesse. But really, what's not to love? The man makes wine, and curls like...someone who is really good at curling.
Jillian takes the winning curling team sailing. She gets alone time with Jake, the short, weird pilot guy. He says the date they had where they danced "made his life". What a sad, sad life. Jake says he's "far from perfect". Yeah, cause you have that sad life I just mentioned where dancing is the greatest thing that's ever happened to you. Jake says he's been labeled with being "too perfect" his whole life. Who was doing all this labeling? I'm guessing it was mom.
Jesse gets alone time. He happens to look exactly like Dale Earnhardt Jr., but with a kangol.
If you say you can tell the difference, you're lying.
All right, let's get to David, the angry steroid guy. Has anyone notice that he blinks with only one eye? Does this bother anyone else? The man is half lizard. Only a half man/half lizard would get that angry about someone faking a shot.
Uncomfortable alert: David goes in for a kiss and Jillian rejects him. Oh, that was horrible. I had to turn the channel for a second. Yikes. Then he says "I've never been turned down from a kiss before". I doubt that. He's probably blocked those out with his lizard brain. He goes "I should get a kiss cause everyone else has kissed you". I'm pretty sure that was the argument made by the fellas in "The Accused".
Two on one date. Mike, who I affectionately call "Helmet Head", and Mark, who I've never seen before.
They (of course) get on a helicopter and go up to a cabin on a mountain. To save money, The Bachelor producers should just buy their own helicopter. They should also have their own line of hot tubs and fantasy suites. Who wouldn't buy that? "Now you can own the very same hot tub Bachelor Bob came in!"
You know who Helmet Head is? He's the guy who tossed her the ball and said "see, you're a great catch!"
Anyway, Helmet Head is unbelievable. He says all the right things in all the right ways. Mark sits there completely helpless. And of course, she chooses Mark.
You see, ladies, how the fuck are we supposed to know what to do? You tell our dumbasses you want us to talk exactly like Helmet Head was talking, and then see what you do? Yes, it was creepy. Yes, it was too soon. But that's what you always say you want.
Wes. Can't get enough of that song, can you? It don't come eeeeeee-aasy. What a douche. But hey, if you would tell me someone on American Idol would win an Oscar or be taken seriously at all, I would've told you to fuck off. So go ahead, Wes, keep singing your song and keep faking that interest in Jillian.
Tanner says "I'm not here to make friends". Put that on the "wait for it" and "this is happening" list of shit we never need to hear again. This is the foot fetish guy, and he tells Jillian some of the guys are being fake. True, but he has a high standard. He's too honest. It's like, dude, enough with all that foot honesty. Then he reveals...some of the guys have girlfriends! Personally, I'd rather have someone with a girlfriend than someone who wanted to eat my feet.
And thus begins a McCarthy-esque witch hunt. Tanner refuses to name names! The man has a code, and that code involves no ratting people out and heavy amounts of feet licking.
ROSE CEREMONY
Jillian McCarthy steps forward, seeking the red menace. Roy Cohn, er, Chris Harrison, asks the guys to give it up. No one will. They all start turning on each other, most wanting to know who the "snitch" is. Then Jake gives a speech like he's the Great Santini, demanding that whoever has a girlfriend needs to "be a man and step up!". I hate that guy.
It's all awkward and quiet. No one is going to admit to this. And no one does. Pointless. However, the editing was implying that Wes is the commy. This goes nowhere. We have to move on and give out some roses.
REID - gets a rose. This guy is a dark horse. Very quiet, but seemingly very normal.
ROBBY - also a quiet, normal dude. In the real world, Jillian would be thanking her lucky stars for a Reid or a Robby. But she's going for the gold with a Wes or a Kiptyn, which will never happen once they get out of fake reality show land.
EDDIE - never knew that was his name.
BREAK DANCER GUY - yes! or, no! he deserves better!
WES - looks like he's about to have 2 girlfriends.
JAKE - the Great Santini
TANNER - the rat! wow, Juan gone. That's an upset. A little strange, but she wants to find out who has the girlfriend, and Tanner's the only one who is going to give her that info. Hate to bring this into it, but Tanner has a foot fetish. I think it's possible he also has a cock fetish.
Juan graciously leaves, let's see if Lizard eye does the same. Nope. He goes, "why?" Uh, dumbass. She rejected your kiss attempt. Also, you blink with one eye. Of course, he blames Juan. He's obsessed with Juan. Juan is his white whale.
Felt good to do that one last time. Thanks for indulging me. Goodnight!
(on the tease, it's revealed that Wes is the guy with the girlfriend. duh)
4 comments:
THANK YOU FOR THIS! You just made my morning. I've only been watching this while doing other things, and I completely missed Lizard Guy's exit interview. Thanks for recapping it. I knew he looked like some sort of creature, so thanks also for giving him a name.
YAY - an unexpected surprise to make my morning! I just knew you wouldn't be able to hold out entirely. ;)
Hooray Tuesday mornings are great once more! Shana asked me last night why I was still watching since there were no recaps. The only answer I could muster was to see how many more helicopter rides they can fit in.
i cannot express to you, not even through interpretive dance, HOW GREAT THAT POST WAS.
there is not a single thing anyone could add.
brilliant.
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