The Bachelorette (with inside info)

Well, I had to revisit the show tonight for a very good reason. A couple weeks ago I was given some very interesting inside information about the proceedings. I was told many things. One of them was that there was a lot of "fucking" going on. But that's not the interesting part. It's that our girl Jillian is quite open about all this "fucking". In fact, when the producers interview her she is not shy about what goes on in the boudoir.

One of the other tidbits that I got was that Jillian was talking about how one of the gentleman was unable to "get it up". As I was being told this, I kinda didn't believe it. I mean, how stupid do you have to be to talk like that on camera? Don't these people watch the show? Or better yet, don't they live in society? These things come out. Always. It just made no sense. Plus, it just seemed too perfect that there would be wiener malfunction in the exact season where we have an unattractive bachelorette.

Is this really gonna happen? They never talk about sex on the show. They imply it with the fantasy suites and all that, but this show normally acts like it's the 1950's. People are stunned to learn someone has been divorced. This would be new ground, and I can't let Bachelor history happen without me. Let's see how this plays out...

We start with Jillian and Kiptyn in Hawaii. They talk and it's boring. And then! ANOTHER fantasy suite card! Well, there you go. You knew when the producers made her turn down the fantasy suite they would make it up to her. There's always a loophole, people. The ho scent is strong in this one, and there is no chance in hell she's saying no again.

Making out commences. And as far we know, Kiptyn gets it up. That man must have the imagination of Steven Spielberg.

Second date is with Reid. Air travel alert! They take the Bachelor's official helicopter. I think the pilot is Rick from Magnum P.I.

Jillian freaks out Reid with marriage talk. He feels "rushed". Reid is the guy who has just kind of been along for the ride, enjoying himself, and suddenly he finds himself in the final 3 and going "wait, I have to be with this girl when this ends? I didn't sign up for this, except for when I did." I wonder if Reid is thinking about all the sex Wes is having in Austin right now.

Jillian says "Reid has such a hard time expressing his emotions". Honey, maybe that's cause he doesn't have any for you.

Jillian is really trying to squeeze it out of Reid right now. She's like Sipowicz, and Reid is the guilty perp who is not physically attracted to her. All he can muster to "are you gonna wanna get married" is a weak "I don't know, maybe...". Jillian says that she can see in Reid's eyes that he's desperate to find the answers. No sweetie, that's panic.

They go to the fantasy suite. So basically she's gonna force him to say "I love you" if he wants the booty. Jill pretends that they're falling in love, even though Reid has given no indication of that. She's delusional. But Reid passes the wiener test!

Ed is up next. He says that his name isn't even really Ed. It's Richie. That would be funny if "little Richie" is the one who can't stand at attention.

They keep playing up the "Ed hasn't been here as long as the other guys". He was gone for a train ride! Seriously, he was barely away. Settle down. But now Ed announces that he has brought his family out to Hawaii for Jillian to meet. That's gonna make for an awkward fantasy suite.

Have you noticed Jillian's ears? Once you see them, you will not be able to see anything else and will wonder how you didn't notice them before. Huge. She's got the Handleman curse.

Ed is wearing short shorts! Like, really short shorts. I think the Seattle Supersonics wore those in 1977.

We meet Ed's parents, Mr. and Mrs. Ed. Mrs. Ed looks exactly like Ed. Interesting note: Mr. Ed has a "reverse Hitler" mustache.

The fantasy suite. Unfortunately, Ed combs his hair. It's not a good look. They move to the bed. Will Little Richie come out and play?

Ed thinks she's "smoking hot". Or so he says. But will Little Richie agree? They seem to be showing us a lot of "action" in the fantasy suite. When do the cameras leave? Ever? Are all of these in a vault somewhere? Are they next to the Ark of the Covenant in some warehouse?

The cameras finally exit...and then a light comes on! Cut back to the room, Ed lies deflated on the bed. Little Richie went off the grid, he went rogue, awol. Jillian talks in some code language which tells us what we already know. Dude couldn't get it done.

According to my people, Jillian was pretty blunt in summing this up when it happened. But I guess they got her to say it a nicer way. And apparently, Jill and Ed tried 3 different times that night. Also, didn't they say "couldn't perform" on a tease a couple weeks ago? I thought that happened, yet they are not going there tonight at all. Weird.

It doesn't matter, Kiptyn is a goner...

ROSE CEREMONY

Have you ever seen the footage of when Saddam took power in Iraq and called a meeting of the entire government and began reading names, and each name he called, a guy stood up, and was ushered out of the room and immediately shot? This is what these rose ceremonies have been like to everyone but Ed. Getting your name called is a very bad thing.

They're lined up, but Jillian wants to talk to Ed before she makes the call. They talk. She asks him about his "issues". He gives her the "I've got a lot on my mind" excuse. Yeah, it has nothing to do with your ears at all.

They go back. I think Jillian likes Ed because he is the only one who is a worse dresser than she is.

KIPTYN gets the first rose! My bad.

ED is in.

Reid breathes a sigh of relief. His strategy of making it obvious that he had no feelings for her finally paid off. She finally took the hint.

It's funny, at this point of the show, normally the 3rd to last girl eliminated is pissed. She thought she was going the distance, and is all broken up about it. But now Jillian and Reid talk, and it's Jillian who is crying. Reid is thinking about meeting up with Wes.

Reid leaves and Jillian continues balling. She's stuck with her big eared brother and the Eunuch.