When I was a youth, my favorite day of the year was Christmas. We'd wake up early in the morning, gather around the tree, and unwrap the large amount of gifts that had accumulated under the tree. We'd all sit around and do this together - except for my dad. While the rest of us were enjoying ourselves, seeing what Santa had brought us, my dad was darting around the room holding a large garbage bag and scooping up all of the strewn wrapping paper and boxes.
And later that afternoon, the second Christmas tradition would begin: the annual trip to the secret dumpster in the ghetto where my dad would illegally dump all of the trash. The opening of presents belonged to us, but that trip to the dumpster was my dad's special time.
I never understood this. How can a man get so much satisfaction from garbage?
Well, now I am a home owner. And the fact is, I can't stop thinking about trash. I would say I spend approximately 17% of my day thinking about my present and future garbage situation
What day is it? Is it Tuesday? Cause Wednesday is garbage day. Have to take out the garbage on Tuesday. Should I take down the current garbage? Or should I wait 'till I have a fresh can to throw it in?
And don't get me started about recycling. What qualifies as recycling? I know the easy ones, but for the rest I'm guestimating here, people! I don't wanna piss off the guy who picks up the blue cans. He shall not be angered. I don't wanna see what would happen.
If they try to recycle something that can't be recycled, the universe might implode. It's very similar to what happens when you travel back in time and talk to your younger self. The same matter cannot occupy the same space!
I go on scout missions looking for rogue dumpsters. Sometimes it's all too much, and I don't know what the trash guy is willing to take. So far, the favorite spot is near a Jamba Juice. But the other night, there were two cop cars nearby. There's too much heat coming down on that place.
I'm reluctant to buy big ticket items now. What am I gonna do with that box? 5-0 is all up on Jamba Juice, yo. Sometimes I'll buy something, take it out of the box at the store's parking lot, and leave it there. I don't want that shit sitting in my garage.
You think this is all a joke? Look at my garage! Look at it!
If I can avoid 1-time, a midnight run to Jamba could solve this whole mess
My latest solution is just to not buy anything at all. I mean, is it really worth the clutter? And do I really need that ultra sound machine I've had my eye on?
So there's another thing I've inherited from my dad. Next up: forgetting movies 2 seconds after seeing them.