Seriously, dudes are just walking into his house and office all the time. He's rich and people want him dead, invest in an alarm system, brotha! Although maybe since he can snap someone's neck in a split second, he thinks he can fend for himself.
Well there you go "Lost" fans, just when you count it out...it totally redeems itself! Last week's two parter was not the greatest. It felt like a lot of one hour shows lately, like it had lost it's momentum after too long of a break. But as I've stated many times here, you have to trust these guys. They seem to know what they're doing. And every time the series has a weak moment, it comes back strong.
Tonight's episode was very enjoyable, and it made me think that maybe the problem with last was week was "who gives a fuck about off the island?" I mean, I really don't care about what Cheech is up to. Staying on the island is a good thing.
Also, the Oceanic 6 have nothing to do. We know they're going back and we're just waiting for that to happen. Last week was just treading water.
A couple of notes:
Desmond and Penny named their kid after Charlie...or did they? Her dad is named Charlies too.
Hydrogen bomb, buried? Was that the thing from last week?
Hi, random hot girl with gun. That can't be a coincidence, Daniel recognized her. Is she his mom?
I would love if someone would go back and count all the random people they have put in episodes as plane crash survivors, only so they can blow the shit out of them. I really love that for some reason. Oh, there goes 2 more in an unfortunate land mine accident.
Penny might not be such a good guy.
For all the things I remember about "Lost", there are ten things I've forgotten about. Remember "having a constant"? Neither do I.
How the hell are they possibly going to tie up all these things and have it make sense? I don't know, but I will enjoy watching them try.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Another Indictment of High Waisted Pants
True, she's put on some lbs, but I think we can all agree that the high waisted pants did not help matters.
Monday, January 26, 2009
The Bachelor: Episode 4
There are 9 women left. There will be a one on one date, a group date, and one those infamous 2 on 1 dates. To "earn" the 1 on 1 date, the ladies will have to write and perform a love song for Jason. Yeah, this is gonna go well.
Nikki is getting less and less attractive every episode. What the hell happened? Someone recently alerted me to her sideburns and now I can look at nothing else. Think '70's era Elvis.
These types of horrible singing situations make me really uncomfortable. I can barely watch. The widow (widower) does a crazy opera thing, crazy Shannon raps (and ends it with "represent, baby baby!", which I respect), and Lauren sings a song that she stole from a real song. Coincidentally, someone has stolen her ass. Where is it? Her ass should be on a milk carton.
Molly wins. She did a goofy number that included some junk food humor - wait, is she the same girl I've been calling the food humorist? I have to look this up, hold on...Nope, it was Jillian. Damn. That would've been awesome.
Molly and Jason chill at the crib and the have a little campfire outside. She babbles about how "incredible" Jason is and how she wants to be with someone "exactly like him". But not him. Maybe exactly like him but with no Ty or ex-wife and also better looking and cool and stuff.
She gets a rose, and then Jason pitches a tent, and then coincidentally they sleep in a tent. Molly is sneaky cute, by the way. Her stock and Nikki's are on an opposite course.
Molly has to walk back into the house the next morning after spending the night with Jason. She says she has "no regrets". Blow job.
The group date is on the set of General Hospital. General Hospital is then repeated 500 times. General Hospital, General Hospital, General Hospital. Allow me a moment of (even more) gayness:
I didn't know Belle from "Days of Our Lives" was on "General Hospital" now. When did that happen?
And we're back. They make Average Eva Mendes play the maid. Racist.
Lauren keeps messing up her scene so Jason gets to kiss Average Eva Mendes a thousand times. Shannon has some really crazy teeth. In makes sense, since she's crazy. But are those veneers? I apologize, I don't know that much about teeth.
Oh boy, Megan kisses Jason for a "scene", and tries to eat his face off. He's actively trying to get unstuck from her. It's uncomfortable. And then Megan says "it's been so long since I kissed anyone". These are some lying fucking bitches. How'd you get that kid? And by the way, Megan, you're not 25. Maybe your kid is 25.
Next, they go to a "hollywood wrap party". Instead of good times though, the ladies get "emotional". There's a shock. They are women, right?
Lauren demands a rose. She also goes, "why'd you pick her? Do you like her?" She's referring to Megan. And maybe I'm being nicer to her because she's cute, but she does have a point. You get the feeling that Jason wants to say "well, I can only eliminate so many people at a time".
Let's break it down right now: the final four are Molly, Melissa, Lauren, and Average Eva Mendes...though Average Eva might just be my balls talking. Getting eliminated tonight: Shannon, Megan, and Nikki.
Just a question: isn't it still picking your nose if you're doing it with a napkin? Cause if so Shannon is openly picking her nose.
Average Eva Mendes gets the rose on the group date. Score one for my balls.
Jason goes on the 2 on 1 with Nikki and Stephanie to "the most romantic place ever". In reality, it's some shitty restaurant. But before they eat, they learn to dance. Great, dancing with widowers. There's your next hit, ABC.
On a side note, looks like Nikki inherited Elvis' sideburns but not his moves.
Jason asks them if they can move to Seattle. Nikki gives an answer which she thinks is great, but is actually really, really sad. She has nothing going on wherever she lives, she can move at the drop of a hat. Then she brings up the 11 year relationship. The dude woke up one day and said "I love you so much, but I don't want to marry you". Whoops. I blame the sideburns. He probably didn't want to risk having a kid with her and having a daughter that looks like Dylan Mckay.
Jason does a little speech, and then gives the rose to...Stephanie. Sorry, Brandon Walsh.
It's always fun when they complain that you're not opening up, and then you do open up, and they don't give you a rose. So really it's not that you weren't opening up, it's that you're lame. Nikki doesn't know "how much smarter I can get, or how much prettier I can get". The answer is a lot.
Seriously though, why is he keeping Stephanie around? She's almost older than Megan.
Jillian claims that "I don't get hot or cold". This is due to her being from Canada. The people from Canada are part human, part thermos.
Oh no. Megan says "o-m-g, am I really gonna be here?" y-n-2-5, no you're not.
On the one hand, Lauren is the best. On the other, she just said "cause we're getting married!" That's not good.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
MELISSA - don't you just constantly wonder what she looked like before the surgery?
JILLIAN - barely seen this episode, and her food humor bit was stolen. Paging, Joe Rogan.
Jason says he can't give out the final rose. Whoa. Switching it up. Thanks, producers. Holy shit, he's not giving it out. Lauren is gone?! That makes no sense. Stephanie is still there. Stephanie! The widow (widower). And no Lauren. Bananas, girl. I will say that is a genuine surprise.
He didn't want to lead any of them on. Okay, but at least lead Lauren on until the fantasy suite.
(after the "next week on...", they show Lauren on the group singing a song about how she wants to be famous. The chorus is literally "i want to be famous". well that explains a lot. We could've used that information in the actual episode, producers. what the hell? there you go, huge fame whore, and jason knew it)
Nikki is getting less and less attractive every episode. What the hell happened? Someone recently alerted me to her sideburns and now I can look at nothing else. Think '70's era Elvis.
These types of horrible singing situations make me really uncomfortable. I can barely watch. The widow (widower) does a crazy opera thing, crazy Shannon raps (and ends it with "represent, baby baby!", which I respect), and Lauren sings a song that she stole from a real song. Coincidentally, someone has stolen her ass. Where is it? Her ass should be on a milk carton.
Molly wins. She did a goofy number that included some junk food humor - wait, is she the same girl I've been calling the food humorist? I have to look this up, hold on...Nope, it was Jillian. Damn. That would've been awesome.
Molly and Jason chill at the crib and the have a little campfire outside. She babbles about how "incredible" Jason is and how she wants to be with someone "exactly like him". But not him. Maybe exactly like him but with no Ty or ex-wife and also better looking and cool and stuff.
She gets a rose, and then Jason pitches a tent, and then coincidentally they sleep in a tent. Molly is sneaky cute, by the way. Her stock and Nikki's are on an opposite course.
Molly has to walk back into the house the next morning after spending the night with Jason. She says she has "no regrets". Blow job.
The group date is on the set of General Hospital. General Hospital is then repeated 500 times. General Hospital, General Hospital, General Hospital. Allow me a moment of (even more) gayness:
I didn't know Belle from "Days of Our Lives" was on "General Hospital" now. When did that happen?
And we're back. They make Average Eva Mendes play the maid. Racist.
Lauren keeps messing up her scene so Jason gets to kiss Average Eva Mendes a thousand times. Shannon has some really crazy teeth. In makes sense, since she's crazy. But are those veneers? I apologize, I don't know that much about teeth.
Oh boy, Megan kisses Jason for a "scene", and tries to eat his face off. He's actively trying to get unstuck from her. It's uncomfortable. And then Megan says "it's been so long since I kissed anyone". These are some lying fucking bitches. How'd you get that kid? And by the way, Megan, you're not 25. Maybe your kid is 25.
Next, they go to a "hollywood wrap party". Instead of good times though, the ladies get "emotional". There's a shock. They are women, right?
Lauren demands a rose. She also goes, "why'd you pick her? Do you like her?" She's referring to Megan. And maybe I'm being nicer to her because she's cute, but she does have a point. You get the feeling that Jason wants to say "well, I can only eliminate so many people at a time".
Let's break it down right now: the final four are Molly, Melissa, Lauren, and Average Eva Mendes...though Average Eva might just be my balls talking. Getting eliminated tonight: Shannon, Megan, and Nikki.
Just a question: isn't it still picking your nose if you're doing it with a napkin? Cause if so Shannon is openly picking her nose.
Average Eva Mendes gets the rose on the group date. Score one for my balls.
Jason goes on the 2 on 1 with Nikki and Stephanie to "the most romantic place ever". In reality, it's some shitty restaurant. But before they eat, they learn to dance. Great, dancing with widowers. There's your next hit, ABC.
On a side note, looks like Nikki inherited Elvis' sideburns but not his moves.
Jason asks them if they can move to Seattle. Nikki gives an answer which she thinks is great, but is actually really, really sad. She has nothing going on wherever she lives, she can move at the drop of a hat. Then she brings up the 11 year relationship. The dude woke up one day and said "I love you so much, but I don't want to marry you". Whoops. I blame the sideburns. He probably didn't want to risk having a kid with her and having a daughter that looks like Dylan Mckay.
Jason does a little speech, and then gives the rose to...Stephanie. Sorry, Brandon Walsh.
It's always fun when they complain that you're not opening up, and then you do open up, and they don't give you a rose. So really it's not that you weren't opening up, it's that you're lame. Nikki doesn't know "how much smarter I can get, or how much prettier I can get". The answer is a lot.
Seriously though, why is he keeping Stephanie around? She's almost older than Megan.
Jillian claims that "I don't get hot or cold". This is due to her being from Canada. The people from Canada are part human, part thermos.
Oh no. Megan says "o-m-g, am I really gonna be here?" y-n-2-5, no you're not.
On the one hand, Lauren is the best. On the other, she just said "cause we're getting married!" That's not good.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
MELISSA - don't you just constantly wonder what she looked like before the surgery?
JILLIAN - barely seen this episode, and her food humor bit was stolen. Paging, Joe Rogan.
Jason says he can't give out the final rose. Whoa. Switching it up. Thanks, producers. Holy shit, he's not giving it out. Lauren is gone?! That makes no sense. Stephanie is still there. Stephanie! The widow (widower). And no Lauren. Bananas, girl. I will say that is a genuine surprise.
He didn't want to lead any of them on. Okay, but at least lead Lauren on until the fantasy suite.
(after the "next week on...", they show Lauren on the group singing a song about how she wants to be famous. The chorus is literally "i want to be famous". well that explains a lot. We could've used that information in the actual episode, producers. what the hell? there you go, huge fame whore, and jason knew it)
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
The Bachelor: Episode 3, Widow's Peak
2 hours? Really?
It is announced that Stephanie, the widow (widower), will get the first one on one date. You may remember that she has a kid and her husband died in a plane crash. You hear me? Dead. He died. Just in case you forgot, she has a dead husband.
Stephanie and Jason go to the beach and talk about dead husbands. Suddenly, Stephanie's daughter shows up, so Stephanie does what any loving mom would do: she decleats her daughter onto the sand in a savage attack, and then does the Shawn Merriman Lights Out sack dance.
She screams and carries on as if she didn't abandon the kid to be on TV. Weird. But then again, there is nothing about Stephanie that isn't weird. Jason tells us that Stephanie has been through so much. LIke what exactly?
Next. the three of them go to Legoland. Coincidentally, Toots McGee and Tooter McGruder were at the very same Legoland this weekend. Luckily, their parents have not yet deserted them to go on any reality shows. But many believe that Toots is future Bachelor material, unless of course he decides to just bang girls without the use of cameras and segment producers.
Stephanie says that Jason "reminds me of my deceased husband". No pressure or anything. It's kind of funny, Jason and Stephanie stop to have a meaningful talk while they don't even notice that the little kid is playing dangerously in water. Symbolism, people.
At the end of the date, Jason gives Stephanie a rose. Yeah, like that wasn't going to happen. How do you not hand over the rose in front of the kid? "Sorry sweetie, but your mommy is 34 years old and that's like 60 in Bachelor years". Of course the other side of it is, "I'm giving your mom a rose...so you're gonna have to fend for yourself for another 3 weeks like Macauley Culkin in "Home Alone"!"
Next up is a group date. Natalie, the good looking blonde, Lauren, the good looking not as much blonde, and Molly are the ones who haven't gone on a date yet. Coincidentally they all seem to be shoe ins for roses. The date is making busts of themselves for the "Keep a Breast" charity, which is to raise money for testicular cancer.
Kari says that it's "amazing that Jason put this date together. It means that he's involved in charity...it means a lot to me". Bitch. Please.
Jason gets some alone time with Melissa, the cheerleader, and she reveals a secret...when she was 17, she had breast reduction surgery. Wow. That's a new one, folks. At least on this show. However, I have extensive experience with this surgery. Quick story:
I went out with a girl many years ago, and we went back to my place. We start kissing. She was a few years older than me, and awkwardly said, "are we just gonna do this?" And I'm like, "well, what do you want to do?" Her: "is it bad if we have sex?" Me: "Let me think about it...no". We go into my room, clothes are removed, and this girl has the most spectacular breasts that I've ever seen.
I was convinced that they were fake, but there were no obvious signs. A little later, I notice a very slight hint of maybe a scar, but difficult to tell. Finally, I have to ask: are those real? She says they are, but...she had breast reduction, and then had them lifted. Me: "My compliments to the surgeon. He is a damn genius". Anyway, my point is to all the fellas out there, breast reduction can sometimes be a great thing.
One more tidbit about that girl: she claimed to have never in her life had an orgasm. We went out five more times...and that record remained in tact.
Shannon, the psycho stalker girl, is nervous around the girls. Especially because she says she's "not as good as conversationist" as them.
Nikki, who we thought was a front runner, runs out of things to say to Jason and it gets awkward. She says she "doesn't know how to be spontaneous". Yeah, you really don't.
Jason gives Jillian, the flat chested food humorist, the rose. He really digs her. I think it's because she carries off the "I don't really give a fuck" attitude quite well. She's not that impressed with him, and there's nothing we all like more than someone who isn't that impressed with us.
Natalie gets the other one on one. While she gets ready, we see Melissa in a bikini top. I think it's fair to say that she didn't get the all important "lift" part of the procedure I discussed earlier.
Jason puts a "million dollars" worth of diamonds on Natalie in front of the girls. Needless to say, the hate begins on Natalie. Somehow, she's materialistic and immature because the show just gave her diamonds to wear.
They go on a private jet, which will be taking them to Las Vegas. So basically this is just like Pretty Woman, only skankier. Cause it's Vegas. And I doubt they're going to the opera. Oh and also, they're drinking beers on the plane. The most romantic date ever!
Back at the house, the girls stew. Oh fuck you, women. Seriously. Just admit that you hate that she's pretty. The fat girl says if Jason likes someone like her, than I don't think he could like someone like me. Yeah, cause you're fat.
Jason and Natalie go on a helicopter ride over Vegas. Jeez, a lot of air travel this season. "It's the most aviation centered season yet!"
They finally head into actual Vegas. They go to dinner at Stack. Jason says he "looks forward to digging deeper inside Natalie". I'll bet you do, buddy. Unfortunately, Natalie opens her mouth...and not in a good way. Jason is not impressed with her conversationist skills.
They go to Jet nightclub where "Jason" has another surprise for her...a private performance by Kate Vogel. I don't know who this is. I think Robin Thicke should do all the private performances. Jason isn't feeling her. She wants to kiss him and he avoids it. The only reason to avoid a kiss is if you're not handing out a rose, cause that's just rude. And sure enough, he doesn't give her one. Ouch.
She is stunned. She thinks she's being stereotyped because of her appearance. Stereotyped as a hot girl? Yeah, girls hate being perceived as hot. The girls at the house are equally stunned when the gruff looking guy comes to take her bags out the house.
And then the best part of the night: producers jump in and strip the jewelry right off her neck. Ha! I bet that's what it was like when DMX went to jail.
Natalie gets pissed in the limo. She says "I don't mean to sound conceited", and then proceeds to sound conceited. "I'm super attractive...you don't have a connection with me? Who do you think you are? God". No, he's not God. God's son was Jesus, his son only has Jesus like qualities.
It's back to the house for the whole pre-final rose ceremony soiree. Jason gets alone time with Average Eva Mendes - who is my favorite chick at this point. She lets her guard down, and reveals that she is only been with one person in her entire life. What the fuck? Where are they getting these girls? All of them are borderline virgins, even the ones with dead husbands. It's crazy. Somebody is lying, because people are getting laid in this society.
And sure enough, Nikki comes out again with "I haven't kissed anyone since my boyfriend of 11 years". Unbelievable. I guess all the sluts are with Bret Michaels or those damn Momma's boys.
Natalie told Jason that there were some bad girls in the house. No one will tell him who they are...until Lauren completely spills the beans. She says that Megan (single mom) and Erica (fat girl) are "just mean". And that Erica "lives with her parents...which is okay, but--". It's pretty funny, and normally we would frown on this behavior, but the fact is that she's right. Those girls suck.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Before he starts, Chris says there's a lot of drama in the house and wants to "open it up" for the girls to speak up about what's going on. Megan says she feels targeted. Yeah, no one likes you. The conversation is lame and catty and awkward, but then Shannon makes a funny face and walks off like she's gonna puke. And then she pukes! Bitches make her sick! She's allergic to hating.
This was a bad idea. How do you not give her a rose now? She just puked. Megan, in true Megan fashion, calls Shannon a "self absorbed, high maintence bitch". Dammit, I hate it when she's right.
MOLLY - he loves her. She's cute, a touch of the crazy eyes, but very attractive.
LAUREN - the rat. The hot rat.
MELISSA - get the lift.
AVERAGE EVA MENDES - that's my girl.
SHANNON - see, the puke did it. Puking is the new sprained ankle (i love everyone who gets that reference)
NIKKI - I'm not feeling her. She's a two face, and one of those borderline virgins discussed earlier.
MEGAN - oh no he didn't! Very disappointing.
At least fat girl is gone, she's a bad person and extremely annoying. Kari will be missed, but you know what? These cuts need to be made, it's kind of the point of the show.
"LOST" TOMORROW, MOTHERFUCKERS!
It is announced that Stephanie, the widow (widower), will get the first one on one date. You may remember that she has a kid and her husband died in a plane crash. You hear me? Dead. He died. Just in case you forgot, she has a dead husband.
Stephanie and Jason go to the beach and talk about dead husbands. Suddenly, Stephanie's daughter shows up, so Stephanie does what any loving mom would do: she decleats her daughter onto the sand in a savage attack, and then does the Shawn Merriman Lights Out sack dance.
She screams and carries on as if she didn't abandon the kid to be on TV. Weird. But then again, there is nothing about Stephanie that isn't weird. Jason tells us that Stephanie has been through so much. LIke what exactly?
Next. the three of them go to Legoland. Coincidentally, Toots McGee and Tooter McGruder were at the very same Legoland this weekend. Luckily, their parents have not yet deserted them to go on any reality shows. But many believe that Toots is future Bachelor material, unless of course he decides to just bang girls without the use of cameras and segment producers.
Stephanie says that Jason "reminds me of my deceased husband". No pressure or anything. It's kind of funny, Jason and Stephanie stop to have a meaningful talk while they don't even notice that the little kid is playing dangerously in water. Symbolism, people.
At the end of the date, Jason gives Stephanie a rose. Yeah, like that wasn't going to happen. How do you not hand over the rose in front of the kid? "Sorry sweetie, but your mommy is 34 years old and that's like 60 in Bachelor years". Of course the other side of it is, "I'm giving your mom a rose...so you're gonna have to fend for yourself for another 3 weeks like Macauley Culkin in "Home Alone"!"
Next up is a group date. Natalie, the good looking blonde, Lauren, the good looking not as much blonde, and Molly are the ones who haven't gone on a date yet. Coincidentally they all seem to be shoe ins for roses. The date is making busts of themselves for the "Keep a Breast" charity, which is to raise money for testicular cancer.
Kari says that it's "amazing that Jason put this date together. It means that he's involved in charity...it means a lot to me". Bitch. Please.
Jason gets some alone time with Melissa, the cheerleader, and she reveals a secret...when she was 17, she had breast reduction surgery. Wow. That's a new one, folks. At least on this show. However, I have extensive experience with this surgery. Quick story:
I went out with a girl many years ago, and we went back to my place. We start kissing. She was a few years older than me, and awkwardly said, "are we just gonna do this?" And I'm like, "well, what do you want to do?" Her: "is it bad if we have sex?" Me: "Let me think about it...no". We go into my room, clothes are removed, and this girl has the most spectacular breasts that I've ever seen.
I was convinced that they were fake, but there were no obvious signs. A little later, I notice a very slight hint of maybe a scar, but difficult to tell. Finally, I have to ask: are those real? She says they are, but...she had breast reduction, and then had them lifted. Me: "My compliments to the surgeon. He is a damn genius". Anyway, my point is to all the fellas out there, breast reduction can sometimes be a great thing.
One more tidbit about that girl: she claimed to have never in her life had an orgasm. We went out five more times...and that record remained in tact.
Shannon, the psycho stalker girl, is nervous around the girls. Especially because she says she's "not as good as conversationist" as them.
Nikki, who we thought was a front runner, runs out of things to say to Jason and it gets awkward. She says she "doesn't know how to be spontaneous". Yeah, you really don't.
Jason gives Jillian, the flat chested food humorist, the rose. He really digs her. I think it's because she carries off the "I don't really give a fuck" attitude quite well. She's not that impressed with him, and there's nothing we all like more than someone who isn't that impressed with us.
Natalie gets the other one on one. While she gets ready, we see Melissa in a bikini top. I think it's fair to say that she didn't get the all important "lift" part of the procedure I discussed earlier.
Jason puts a "million dollars" worth of diamonds on Natalie in front of the girls. Needless to say, the hate begins on Natalie. Somehow, she's materialistic and immature because the show just gave her diamonds to wear.
They go on a private jet, which will be taking them to Las Vegas. So basically this is just like Pretty Woman, only skankier. Cause it's Vegas. And I doubt they're going to the opera. Oh and also, they're drinking beers on the plane. The most romantic date ever!
Back at the house, the girls stew. Oh fuck you, women. Seriously. Just admit that you hate that she's pretty. The fat girl says if Jason likes someone like her, than I don't think he could like someone like me. Yeah, cause you're fat.
Jason and Natalie go on a helicopter ride over Vegas. Jeez, a lot of air travel this season. "It's the most aviation centered season yet!"
They finally head into actual Vegas. They go to dinner at Stack. Jason says he "looks forward to digging deeper inside Natalie". I'll bet you do, buddy. Unfortunately, Natalie opens her mouth...and not in a good way. Jason is not impressed with her conversationist skills.
They go to Jet nightclub where "Jason" has another surprise for her...a private performance by Kate Vogel. I don't know who this is. I think Robin Thicke should do all the private performances. Jason isn't feeling her. She wants to kiss him and he avoids it. The only reason to avoid a kiss is if you're not handing out a rose, cause that's just rude. And sure enough, he doesn't give her one. Ouch.
She is stunned. She thinks she's being stereotyped because of her appearance. Stereotyped as a hot girl? Yeah, girls hate being perceived as hot. The girls at the house are equally stunned when the gruff looking guy comes to take her bags out the house.
And then the best part of the night: producers jump in and strip the jewelry right off her neck. Ha! I bet that's what it was like when DMX went to jail.
Natalie gets pissed in the limo. She says "I don't mean to sound conceited", and then proceeds to sound conceited. "I'm super attractive...you don't have a connection with me? Who do you think you are? God". No, he's not God. God's son was Jesus, his son only has Jesus like qualities.
It's back to the house for the whole pre-final rose ceremony soiree. Jason gets alone time with Average Eva Mendes - who is my favorite chick at this point. She lets her guard down, and reveals that she is only been with one person in her entire life. What the fuck? Where are they getting these girls? All of them are borderline virgins, even the ones with dead husbands. It's crazy. Somebody is lying, because people are getting laid in this society.
And sure enough, Nikki comes out again with "I haven't kissed anyone since my boyfriend of 11 years". Unbelievable. I guess all the sluts are with Bret Michaels or those damn Momma's boys.
Natalie told Jason that there were some bad girls in the house. No one will tell him who they are...until Lauren completely spills the beans. She says that Megan (single mom) and Erica (fat girl) are "just mean". And that Erica "lives with her parents...which is okay, but--". It's pretty funny, and normally we would frown on this behavior, but the fact is that she's right. Those girls suck.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Before he starts, Chris says there's a lot of drama in the house and wants to "open it up" for the girls to speak up about what's going on. Megan says she feels targeted. Yeah, no one likes you. The conversation is lame and catty and awkward, but then Shannon makes a funny face and walks off like she's gonna puke. And then she pukes! Bitches make her sick! She's allergic to hating.
This was a bad idea. How do you not give her a rose now? She just puked. Megan, in true Megan fashion, calls Shannon a "self absorbed, high maintence bitch". Dammit, I hate it when she's right.
MOLLY - he loves her. She's cute, a touch of the crazy eyes, but very attractive.
LAUREN - the rat. The hot rat.
MELISSA - get the lift.
AVERAGE EVA MENDES - that's my girl.
SHANNON - see, the puke did it. Puking is the new sprained ankle (i love everyone who gets that reference)
NIKKI - I'm not feeling her. She's a two face, and one of those borderline virgins discussed earlier.
MEGAN - oh no he didn't! Very disappointing.
At least fat girl is gone, she's a bad person and extremely annoying. Kari will be missed, but you know what? These cuts need to be made, it's kind of the point of the show.
"LOST" TOMORROW, MOTHERFUCKERS!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Really, White People?
'Mall Cop' Makes Kevin James the King of the Box Office
Paul Blart: Top dog.
A low-budget comedy with a television personality and middling prospects at the box office became the weekend's No. 1 film as Paul Blart: Mall Cop stunned analysts with $33.8 million, according to studio estimates from Media By Numbers.
The debut was $10 million more than projections and an impressive showing for star Kevin James, who anchored his first feature film.
And to add insult to injury, the mall cop doofus drives a Segway. So long, dreams of a segway society.
Paul Blart: Top dog.
A low-budget comedy with a television personality and middling prospects at the box office became the weekend's No. 1 film as Paul Blart: Mall Cop stunned analysts with $33.8 million, according to studio estimates from Media By Numbers.
The debut was $10 million more than projections and an impressive showing for star Kevin James, who anchored his first feature film.
And to add insult to injury, the mall cop doofus drives a Segway. So long, dreams of a segway society.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Tonight's Larry King
(A transcript from tonight's Larry King)
LARRY KING:
Good evening. We begin tonight with what everyone's talking about, the miraculous crash landing on the Hudson River. The plane apparently hit some geese, and the pilot somehow managed to land on the water. Our first guest, aviation expert and actor, Anthony Edwards. Anthony?
ANTHONY EDWARDS
Hello, Larry. I'm not really an aviation expert--
LARRY KING
You were a pilot, correct?
ANTHONY EDWARDS
No, Larry. As I told your producers, I played a pilot in the movie "Top Gun".
LARRY KING
Ever have to land on water, Anthony?
ANTHONY EDWARDS
No. I'm not an actual pilot...but I did have an engine go out, again, as part of the movie. And we ejected, and I did land in water.
LARRY KING
Was the water cold?
ANTHONY EDWARDS
It was pretty cold, Larry.
LARRY KING
Were you rescued?
ANTHONY EDWARDS
No, I died.
LARRY KING
What a tragedy. Now, I also understand you are a goose expert?
ANTHONY EDWARDS
No, Larry. In the movie "Top Gun" my character's call sign was Goose.
LARRY KING
Ever fly into a jet engine?
ANTHONY EDWARDS
No, Larry. I haven't flown into a jet engine.
LARRY KING
What happens when you fly into a jet engine?
ANTHONY EDWARDS
I really don't know.
LARRY KING
Bob, from Hartford. Hello!
BOB FROM HARTFORD
Yes, hi Larry. I was wondering why Goose flew into that airplane?
LARRY KING
Goose, why'd you do it?
ANTHONY EDWARDS
I didn't do it.
LARRY KING
Guess we'll find out when they get the black box. You were in "Revenge of the Nerds", right?
ANTHONY EDWARDS
Uh, yeah.
LARRY KING
What's the biggest ruling you made on the Greek Council?
ANTHONY EDWARDS
I don't...the movie ended, we never, they never showed us in control of the Greek Council.
LARRY KING
Too bad after all it took to get it.
ANTHONY EDWARDS
Yeah, I guess so.
LARRY KING
Cause the Greek Council controlled everything. You know who coulda landed that plane...Wormser.
ANTHONY EDWARDS
Maybe.
LARRY KING
Thank you, Goose. We'll be right back with aeronautical expert, Wormser.
LARRY KING:
Good evening. We begin tonight with what everyone's talking about, the miraculous crash landing on the Hudson River. The plane apparently hit some geese, and the pilot somehow managed to land on the water. Our first guest, aviation expert and actor, Anthony Edwards. Anthony?
ANTHONY EDWARDS
Hello, Larry. I'm not really an aviation expert--
LARRY KING
You were a pilot, correct?
ANTHONY EDWARDS
No, Larry. As I told your producers, I played a pilot in the movie "Top Gun".
LARRY KING
Ever have to land on water, Anthony?
ANTHONY EDWARDS
No. I'm not an actual pilot...but I did have an engine go out, again, as part of the movie. And we ejected, and I did land in water.
LARRY KING
Was the water cold?
ANTHONY EDWARDS
It was pretty cold, Larry.
LARRY KING
Were you rescued?
ANTHONY EDWARDS
No, I died.
LARRY KING
What a tragedy. Now, I also understand you are a goose expert?
ANTHONY EDWARDS
No, Larry. In the movie "Top Gun" my character's call sign was Goose.
LARRY KING
Ever fly into a jet engine?
ANTHONY EDWARDS
No, Larry. I haven't flown into a jet engine.
LARRY KING
What happens when you fly into a jet engine?
ANTHONY EDWARDS
I really don't know.
LARRY KING
Bob, from Hartford. Hello!
BOB FROM HARTFORD
Yes, hi Larry. I was wondering why Goose flew into that airplane?
LARRY KING
Goose, why'd you do it?
ANTHONY EDWARDS
I didn't do it.
LARRY KING
Guess we'll find out when they get the black box. You were in "Revenge of the Nerds", right?
ANTHONY EDWARDS
Uh, yeah.
LARRY KING
What's the biggest ruling you made on the Greek Council?
ANTHONY EDWARDS
I don't...the movie ended, we never, they never showed us in control of the Greek Council.
LARRY KING
Too bad after all it took to get it.
ANTHONY EDWARDS
Yeah, I guess so.
LARRY KING
Cause the Greek Council controlled everything. You know who coulda landed that plane...Wormser.
ANTHONY EDWARDS
Maybe.
LARRY KING
Thank you, Goose. We'll be right back with aeronautical expert, Wormser.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
My "Real World" Streak Might Be in Jeopardy
I don't like to brag about this, it's not something I talk about at parties, I don't use this fact on the ladies, but...I have watched every season of "The Real World". That's right. From New York to Australia, people, I've been there every step of the way. I am the Joe DiMaggio of this show. But now, the streak is in jeopardy.
There are many reasons I enjoy The Real World, but most of them can be boiled down to "watching attractive people get drunk in hot tubs, and then proceed to make out or beat the shit out of each other". That's it. It's simple, but always rewarding. And that's all I ask of this show and season after season it has delivered. Until now.
This year, not only did they have the nerve to cast the ugly, but they also have a "transgender" person. I don't know if you have seen any transgender people in your life, but "attractive" is rarely a term used to describe them. And a hot tub is the last place you want to see their half naked, transgendered bodies.
Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the transgendered - though I am against any surgery that you need to go to Thailand for. I wish them nothing but penis and happiness, er, peace and happiness. But keep them off my Real World. The Real World is not real nor barely a world, it's a bubble which contains hot people fucking and fighting. It's a great looking, orgasmic, ass beating utopia, and that's fine by me.
Oh yeah, one other problem with this season's cast: they are all gay. Literally, they are all gay. There's a lesbian, there's a Mormon gay person who doesn't know he is gay, there is your basic out of the closet regular gay, as well as the aforementioned transgender lady (who used to be a guy and now dates guys, which I think still qualifies as gay).
Once again, nothing against gays. They're great. I just don't care to watch them cavort in a house that contains a hot tub. Also, last time I checked the population of the actual real world wasn't 100 percent gay. This show is now discriminating in the opposite way. There's no one I can relate to. No Ace, no Frank, no Johnny Bananas - now the only Johnny in the house has had his banana cut off. Sorry...but I really like Johnny Bananas and any joke that involves me getting to reference him.
And also, I think there's already a gay Real World on Logo, or Bravo, or ABC - one of those all gay channels. But this version wouldn't even be able to get on those networks, because the gays on MTV are committing the worst sin of all, they're not even good looking. If there's one thing you can usually count on with gay people on reality shows, it's that. Gay people are hot...but not in this house.
So anyway, things look bleak as Joe DiMaggio comes up to bat in the ninth, 0 for 3 on the day, and on the mound is a flame throwing transgendered Jake Peavy, and all I can see is her adam's apple as strike 3 whizzes by me. The streak is dead.
There are many reasons I enjoy The Real World, but most of them can be boiled down to "watching attractive people get drunk in hot tubs, and then proceed to make out or beat the shit out of each other". That's it. It's simple, but always rewarding. And that's all I ask of this show and season after season it has delivered. Until now.
This year, not only did they have the nerve to cast the ugly, but they also have a "transgender" person. I don't know if you have seen any transgender people in your life, but "attractive" is rarely a term used to describe them. And a hot tub is the last place you want to see their half naked, transgendered bodies.
Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the transgendered - though I am against any surgery that you need to go to Thailand for. I wish them nothing but penis and happiness, er, peace and happiness. But keep them off my Real World. The Real World is not real nor barely a world, it's a bubble which contains hot people fucking and fighting. It's a great looking, orgasmic, ass beating utopia, and that's fine by me.
Oh yeah, one other problem with this season's cast: they are all gay. Literally, they are all gay. There's a lesbian, there's a Mormon gay person who doesn't know he is gay, there is your basic out of the closet regular gay, as well as the aforementioned transgender lady (who used to be a guy and now dates guys, which I think still qualifies as gay).
Once again, nothing against gays. They're great. I just don't care to watch them cavort in a house that contains a hot tub. Also, last time I checked the population of the actual real world wasn't 100 percent gay. This show is now discriminating in the opposite way. There's no one I can relate to. No Ace, no Frank, no Johnny Bananas - now the only Johnny in the house has had his banana cut off. Sorry...but I really like Johnny Bananas and any joke that involves me getting to reference him.
And also, I think there's already a gay Real World on Logo, or Bravo, or ABC - one of those all gay channels. But this version wouldn't even be able to get on those networks, because the gays on MTV are committing the worst sin of all, they're not even good looking. If there's one thing you can usually count on with gay people on reality shows, it's that. Gay people are hot...but not in this house.
So anyway, things look bleak as Joe DiMaggio comes up to bat in the ninth, 0 for 3 on the day, and on the mound is a flame throwing transgendered Jake Peavy, and all I can see is her adam's apple as strike 3 whizzes by me. The streak is dead.
Monday, January 12, 2009
The Bachelor Episode 2, Robin Thicke, and My Parents
Jason hangs out with Ty. He explains that "he has to do what's best for Ty". Really? What's best for Ty? You mean like, going on TV to meet a wife...for the second time. Is that what's best? He forces the kid into a car and sends him to go "be with his mom". And by mom he means child protective services.
The 15 remaining women move into the house. Actually, they sprint into the house. It almost seems like it's the first house any of these girls have ever seen. You mean, a structure, that we sleep inside of? Crazy talk.
Chris Harrison - the most underrated reality host on TV - announces that there will be some group dates. Also, not every girl will go on a date every week. I'm guessing this will create some drama, just a guess though.
Jason comes over and they have a little pool party. There's this big song and dance about how the girls are swooning over Jason taking his shirt off. Seriously, it's like a 5 minute interlude. I feel like the producers are trying to convince us that he's dreamy. They're trying to erase Graham Bunn from our memory, people, and Graham Bunn will never be erased from mine. Never!
Shannon is the first to demonstrate the crazy. We finally get to see what these girls actually look like, and Shannon has fake breasts. I think she bought them when she bought her teeth. She states, for the record, that she's "ready to have babies". Flat chested, poorly teethed babies.
I would say that the girls are not holding up well in the light of day. Some of these bathing suits are particularly harsh. If I knew any of these girls' names at this point, I would do a patented "I'm looking at you, so and so" joke. But whoever she is, she has small boobs and a top that criss crosses across her chest.
Jason has a rose - and whoever gets it gets a date - and he gives it to Jillian. Earlier he called her "the life of the party". I'm pretty she's the girl who always jokes about food. She's like Jim Gaffigan (thanks to the one person who gets that reference), all of her material is based on food.
Our favorite, Lauren, reveals something extremely unfortunate. This is the worst thing you can say, basically. It's not that she posed nude, or she has a life plan or vision board, or that she's racist, nope, even worse...she "used to do pageants". Tough break, kids.
Whoa! Jillian just said she's a restaurant designer! I totally didn't even know that, well, that explains it. Girl is heavily steeped in food.
Jason and Jillian go to the Disney concert hall in downtown LA. Jason tells her that he's usually viewed as "just the nice guy", and that's probably one of the reasons for his failed relationships. No shit, bro. You're the nice guy, that's why they're trying to build you up as some kind of stud and we're not buying.
They go inside and get a private performance by Robin Thicke. Wow. This is something that's actually cool. Usually the Bachelor springs for A-list celebrities like Marcellus Wiley or Donnie and Marie. I have a story about Robin Thicke. Do we have time for a quick story? My producer is nodding yes. Okay.
My parents went to a Robin Thicke concert in San Diego. They were standing around, waiting for the show to start. And then some guy comes up to my dad and goes, "you know this isn't Alan Thicke, right?"
Back to the house...Melissa gets the next one on one date. I have no recollection of this person, but she's kinda cute and very bubbly. Oh, she's the cheerleader. Well, there you go. She's not as hot as I remember.
Robin Thicke is still singing. They dance and kiss. Seems kind of early to spring the Robin Thicke, right? It feels like a private concert by Robin Thicke is more of a third date situation. Cause then after you can go and have the sex.
The next day, Jillian tells the other girls that her and Jason kissed. Oh boy. I have a feeling she's about to be in it for the wrong reasons, and that she's not there to make friends.
Jason and Melissa go to the beach. Oh wait, she's cute again. This girl is a two face. Jason says that she is the type of girl that he is normally attracted to, but they (meaning this type of girl) aren't usually ready to settle down. This is so funny, because Jason is so obviously the type of guy who gets walked all over by women. Let's be honest, he's been a bit of a loser. The nice guy loser. And now here he is in this position on this show, and he has to act like one of the Graham Bunns (ha, bunns) of the world.
A blimp comes over them and they do a weird magic 8 ball with it. Damn, show 2 and they've got Robin Thicke and blimps? Hello, larger budget. They take a ride on the blimp, he gives her the rose, and they smooch. Melissa says she "hasn't had a date in years". I'm sure being a Cowboys cheerleader it's really hard to meet people.
Women never stop lying about that shit. They have a million dates, but they don't "count" for some reason. Oh, that guy was a dork. He was just a friend. We were with a bunch of people. Shut up, you're going out all the time, you're fucking people, stop the lies!
Next group date. They do some shopping, and then head to a hotel with a pool where a rose awaits. Erica tells us that her last boyfriend cheated on her with a woman who was 52. 52! Erica officially has no skills.
Favorites are falling. Nikki, our other top pick, reveals a fun fact. She has only kissed one person in her entire life. She's 29 years old, man. 29! Add Nikki to the no skills list. Ladies, don't believe the hype. Men like sluts. We need sluts. Sluts know what to do.
Average Eva Mendes gets Jason alone and makes out with him. I think it's safe to say that Average Eva Mendes has kissed more than one person, and God bless her average ass.
Jason gives the rose to Molly. Who? I don't know. But it makes Average Eva cry.
Raquel didn't get a date so she sneaks into Jason's car and tells him she wants to stay. She also mentions (to us) that she wants someone that will be so in love with her that when she dies "it will be very rare for him to remarry".
Lauren complains that Jason isn't devoting enough time to her. There's some spoiled ass bitches this season. Damn. I guess they know he's a "nice guy" and will comply.
Shannon "impresses" Jason by reciting every single fact about his life. Shannon-pedia. Jason says it makes him uncomfortable. Dude, it makes America uncomfortable. Please don't give her a rose.
Stephanie, the widow (or widower, if you want to be accurate) tells the ladies the story about her husband dying. But she says she doesn't want to talk about how great he was, she wants to talk about how great Jason is. You gotta wonder how Raquel feels about that...she doesn't believe in cheating on your dead spouse.
There's a fake drama thing that's not even worth writing about. Let's move on to...
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
MEGAN - she's got a kid, and all the other girls hate her. I'm pretty sure he's just looking for an easy blow job with her in week 3 and then she's flying coach back home talking about "but I went down on him!" It's an old story, sister.
NIKKI - your dream of kissing 2 people is almost a reality!
LAUREN - she's a veteran of pageants, you know.
AVERAGE EVA MENDES - hell yeah.
STEPHANIE - the widow (widower) gets a rose. That's a producer's pick, there's no way in hell he likes her. She's wrong on many different levels.
KARI - kind of forgot about her...where has she been? She's sneaky cute, watch out.
NATALIE - the one good looking blonde left.
SHANNON - nice guys like stalkers.
ERICA - she is gross. An easy cut next week. The kind of girl you don't even want the bj from - not worth the trouble.
I think he gave a rose to everyone. Seriously, who didn't get one? Oh yeah, Raquel. Poor, Raquel. He didn't even love her while she was alive, just think about how he's gonna feel about her when she's dead. He also got rid of the girl who quit her job to be there. Don't feel too bad, lady, Jason quit his son to be here.
Stay tuned next week for the widow (widower) tackling her daughter like Terrell Suggs on Ben Roethlisberger.
The 15 remaining women move into the house. Actually, they sprint into the house. It almost seems like it's the first house any of these girls have ever seen. You mean, a structure, that we sleep inside of? Crazy talk.
Chris Harrison - the most underrated reality host on TV - announces that there will be some group dates. Also, not every girl will go on a date every week. I'm guessing this will create some drama, just a guess though.
Jason comes over and they have a little pool party. There's this big song and dance about how the girls are swooning over Jason taking his shirt off. Seriously, it's like a 5 minute interlude. I feel like the producers are trying to convince us that he's dreamy. They're trying to erase Graham Bunn from our memory, people, and Graham Bunn will never be erased from mine. Never!
Shannon is the first to demonstrate the crazy. We finally get to see what these girls actually look like, and Shannon has fake breasts. I think she bought them when she bought her teeth. She states, for the record, that she's "ready to have babies". Flat chested, poorly teethed babies.
I would say that the girls are not holding up well in the light of day. Some of these bathing suits are particularly harsh. If I knew any of these girls' names at this point, I would do a patented "I'm looking at you, so and so" joke. But whoever she is, she has small boobs and a top that criss crosses across her chest.
Jason has a rose - and whoever gets it gets a date - and he gives it to Jillian. Earlier he called her "the life of the party". I'm pretty she's the girl who always jokes about food. She's like Jim Gaffigan (thanks to the one person who gets that reference), all of her material is based on food.
Our favorite, Lauren, reveals something extremely unfortunate. This is the worst thing you can say, basically. It's not that she posed nude, or she has a life plan or vision board, or that she's racist, nope, even worse...she "used to do pageants". Tough break, kids.
Whoa! Jillian just said she's a restaurant designer! I totally didn't even know that, well, that explains it. Girl is heavily steeped in food.
Jason and Jillian go to the Disney concert hall in downtown LA. Jason tells her that he's usually viewed as "just the nice guy", and that's probably one of the reasons for his failed relationships. No shit, bro. You're the nice guy, that's why they're trying to build you up as some kind of stud and we're not buying.
They go inside and get a private performance by Robin Thicke. Wow. This is something that's actually cool. Usually the Bachelor springs for A-list celebrities like Marcellus Wiley or Donnie and Marie. I have a story about Robin Thicke. Do we have time for a quick story? My producer is nodding yes. Okay.
My parents went to a Robin Thicke concert in San Diego. They were standing around, waiting for the show to start. And then some guy comes up to my dad and goes, "you know this isn't Alan Thicke, right?"
Back to the house...Melissa gets the next one on one date. I have no recollection of this person, but she's kinda cute and very bubbly. Oh, she's the cheerleader. Well, there you go. She's not as hot as I remember.
Robin Thicke is still singing. They dance and kiss. Seems kind of early to spring the Robin Thicke, right? It feels like a private concert by Robin Thicke is more of a third date situation. Cause then after you can go and have the sex.
The next day, Jillian tells the other girls that her and Jason kissed. Oh boy. I have a feeling she's about to be in it for the wrong reasons, and that she's not there to make friends.
Jason and Melissa go to the beach. Oh wait, she's cute again. This girl is a two face. Jason says that she is the type of girl that he is normally attracted to, but they (meaning this type of girl) aren't usually ready to settle down. This is so funny, because Jason is so obviously the type of guy who gets walked all over by women. Let's be honest, he's been a bit of a loser. The nice guy loser. And now here he is in this position on this show, and he has to act like one of the Graham Bunns (ha, bunns) of the world.
A blimp comes over them and they do a weird magic 8 ball with it. Damn, show 2 and they've got Robin Thicke and blimps? Hello, larger budget. They take a ride on the blimp, he gives her the rose, and they smooch. Melissa says she "hasn't had a date in years". I'm sure being a Cowboys cheerleader it's really hard to meet people.
Women never stop lying about that shit. They have a million dates, but they don't "count" for some reason. Oh, that guy was a dork. He was just a friend. We were with a bunch of people. Shut up, you're going out all the time, you're fucking people, stop the lies!
Next group date. They do some shopping, and then head to a hotel with a pool where a rose awaits. Erica tells us that her last boyfriend cheated on her with a woman who was 52. 52! Erica officially has no skills.
Favorites are falling. Nikki, our other top pick, reveals a fun fact. She has only kissed one person in her entire life. She's 29 years old, man. 29! Add Nikki to the no skills list. Ladies, don't believe the hype. Men like sluts. We need sluts. Sluts know what to do.
Average Eva Mendes gets Jason alone and makes out with him. I think it's safe to say that Average Eva Mendes has kissed more than one person, and God bless her average ass.
Jason gives the rose to Molly. Who? I don't know. But it makes Average Eva cry.
Raquel didn't get a date so she sneaks into Jason's car and tells him she wants to stay. She also mentions (to us) that she wants someone that will be so in love with her that when she dies "it will be very rare for him to remarry".
Lauren complains that Jason isn't devoting enough time to her. There's some spoiled ass bitches this season. Damn. I guess they know he's a "nice guy" and will comply.
Shannon "impresses" Jason by reciting every single fact about his life. Shannon-pedia. Jason says it makes him uncomfortable. Dude, it makes America uncomfortable. Please don't give her a rose.
Stephanie, the widow (or widower, if you want to be accurate) tells the ladies the story about her husband dying. But she says she doesn't want to talk about how great he was, she wants to talk about how great Jason is. You gotta wonder how Raquel feels about that...she doesn't believe in cheating on your dead spouse.
There's a fake drama thing that's not even worth writing about. Let's move on to...
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
MEGAN - she's got a kid, and all the other girls hate her. I'm pretty sure he's just looking for an easy blow job with her in week 3 and then she's flying coach back home talking about "but I went down on him!" It's an old story, sister.
NIKKI - your dream of kissing 2 people is almost a reality!
LAUREN - she's a veteran of pageants, you know.
AVERAGE EVA MENDES - hell yeah.
STEPHANIE - the widow (widower) gets a rose. That's a producer's pick, there's no way in hell he likes her. She's wrong on many different levels.
KARI - kind of forgot about her...where has she been? She's sneaky cute, watch out.
NATALIE - the one good looking blonde left.
SHANNON - nice guys like stalkers.
ERICA - she is gross. An easy cut next week. The kind of girl you don't even want the bj from - not worth the trouble.
I think he gave a rose to everyone. Seriously, who didn't get one? Oh yeah, Raquel. Poor, Raquel. He didn't even love her while she was alive, just think about how he's gonna feel about her when she's dead. He also got rid of the girl who quit her job to be there. Don't feel too bad, lady, Jason quit his son to be here.
Stay tuned next week for the widow (widower) tackling her daughter like Terrell Suggs on Ben Roethlisberger.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Thursday, January 08, 2009
News Headline of the Day
For some reason, this made me crack up today. It's just something about the way it's written. I was on the yahoo home page, and this was one of the headlines:
CRAZE OVER TOUCH SCREEN GADGETS NOT SHARED BY THE BLIND
CRAZE OVER TOUCH SCREEN GADGETS NOT SHARED BY THE BLIND
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Benjamin Button is Forrest Gump, Only Good Looking and Less Retarded
I moved to LA in 1999 and got an internship at a little production company in Hollywood. The project they were most excited about was a short story written by F. Scott Fitzgerald called "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button". I think they were still in the process of looking for a writer and a name to attach as the lead. Well, that never happened. But nearly ten years later it got made - but with a different company and producers.
So I was excited to see what finally got made. I watched it the other night and I thought it was just okay, nothing special. It's one of those weird movies where it's like a biopic but the bio they're pic-ing is a made up person. There's no big build to anything, it's just this guy's life. Something is missing though when "this guy's life" is fiction. This kind of endeavor can feel a little empty - I mean part of the reason bio-pics are cool to watch is that "this shit really happened" quality. So a fake bio-pic better be pretty darned entertaining and/or meaningful.
While I was watching it, I started thinking about what other fake bio-pics there are. There's "Walk Hard", but that's a spoof. And then there's "Forrest Gump". And then it hit me that "Benjamin Button" has a lot in common with "Forrest Gump". I kept watching, and then I thought, "this movie is stealing from Forrest Gump"!
I immediately hopped on the ol' imdb to find out what hack was ripping off "Forrest Gump". I quickly discovered that the guy who wrote Benjamin Button is Eric Roth, who happens to be one of the best screenwriters in Hollywood. His credits include "The Insider", "Ali", "Munich", "Forrest Gump"...
"Forrest Gump"!
Guess the reason they are so similar is that they came from the same dude.
Let's take a look at the things they share in common:
--Forrest and Benjamin are both "special", from the south, and raised by a single mom
--Both movies are told in flashback, frequently coming back to the narrator during the story
--Early in their lives, they both need braces to walk
--They both live in houses populated by strangers who stay with them and then leave (or in Button's case, die)
--Both break free of their walking aids by a "miracle"
--They both fall in love with whores
--They both spend time on a boat, and have a life or death battle with the elements
--Forrest sends Jenny a letter every day from the war, Benjamin sends Daisy a post card from every where he’s been
--They both are forced to drink and party by their alcoholic shipmate
--Their best friends get shot and die in their arms
--Afterwards, both return home to their "mama" who dies
--The love of their lives is a girl they met as a kid, then didn’t see each other for a long time, then they briefly reunite and the girl forces herself on them, and then they see each other again and she’s over it, and then they reconnect and live together
--They both have a kid that they're scared will be born like them and that they won't be able to properly raise
--They both have a business with their last name in it - BubbaGump, Button's Buttons
--Both of their girlfriends dream of working as artists (ballet dancer, singer), and both are brought down by a tragedy (car accident, AIDS)
--Daisy learns to walk through intense physical therapy, so does Lt. Dan
--In Forrest Gump it's a feather, in Benjamin Button it's a humming bird
Though Benjamin Button is based on a short story written by someone other than Eric Roth, the movie is completely different. So Eric Roth is the guy behind it. In the short, Button is from New York, raised by his dad, and is different in basically every way (another difference: Button dumps the girl because he’s no longer attracted to her because she’s an old lady – which makes more sense than what they did in the movie).
This is really interesting to me because I wonder if the producers felt it was similar to Gump and just hired the guy that wrote it, or does the guy that wrote it subconsciously have all that stuff in his head and he can’t help but write it?
Either way, I kept comparing the two. Forrest Gump worked for me, whereas Benjamin Button kinda didn’t. Why? The biggest reason is Tom Hanks. I could watch Tom Hanks take a shit for 2 hours and enjoy it. He makes things watchable. Can’t say the same for Brad Pitt.
And where the Forrest Gump character is dumb and funny and does dumb and funny things, Button is a nothing. He’s a guy stuff happens to, instead of the other way around. Forrest Gump does things. He shows his ass to the President. He beats the shit out of Jenny’s boyfriend…twice, and “ruins your black panther party”. He also does a lot of jogging for no reason.
That's the main reason it's better to me. But also, who could love Cate Blanchett?
Anyway, that’s all I have to say about that.
So I was excited to see what finally got made. I watched it the other night and I thought it was just okay, nothing special. It's one of those weird movies where it's like a biopic but the bio they're pic-ing is a made up person. There's no big build to anything, it's just this guy's life. Something is missing though when "this guy's life" is fiction. This kind of endeavor can feel a little empty - I mean part of the reason bio-pics are cool to watch is that "this shit really happened" quality. So a fake bio-pic better be pretty darned entertaining and/or meaningful.
While I was watching it, I started thinking about what other fake bio-pics there are. There's "Walk Hard", but that's a spoof. And then there's "Forrest Gump". And then it hit me that "Benjamin Button" has a lot in common with "Forrest Gump". I kept watching, and then I thought, "this movie is stealing from Forrest Gump"!
I immediately hopped on the ol' imdb to find out what hack was ripping off "Forrest Gump". I quickly discovered that the guy who wrote Benjamin Button is Eric Roth, who happens to be one of the best screenwriters in Hollywood. His credits include "The Insider", "Ali", "Munich", "Forrest Gump"...
"Forrest Gump"!
Guess the reason they are so similar is that they came from the same dude.
Let's take a look at the things they share in common:
--Forrest and Benjamin are both "special", from the south, and raised by a single mom
--Both movies are told in flashback, frequently coming back to the narrator during the story
--Early in their lives, they both need braces to walk
--They both live in houses populated by strangers who stay with them and then leave (or in Button's case, die)
--Both break free of their walking aids by a "miracle"
--They both fall in love with whores
--They both spend time on a boat, and have a life or death battle with the elements
--Forrest sends Jenny a letter every day from the war, Benjamin sends Daisy a post card from every where he’s been
--They both are forced to drink and party by their alcoholic shipmate
--Their best friends get shot and die in their arms
--Afterwards, both return home to their "mama" who dies
--The love of their lives is a girl they met as a kid, then didn’t see each other for a long time, then they briefly reunite and the girl forces herself on them, and then they see each other again and she’s over it, and then they reconnect and live together
--They both have a kid that they're scared will be born like them and that they won't be able to properly raise
--They both have a business with their last name in it - BubbaGump, Button's Buttons
--Both of their girlfriends dream of working as artists (ballet dancer, singer), and both are brought down by a tragedy (car accident, AIDS)
--Daisy learns to walk through intense physical therapy, so does Lt. Dan
--In Forrest Gump it's a feather, in Benjamin Button it's a humming bird
Though Benjamin Button is based on a short story written by someone other than Eric Roth, the movie is completely different. So Eric Roth is the guy behind it. In the short, Button is from New York, raised by his dad, and is different in basically every way (another difference: Button dumps the girl because he’s no longer attracted to her because she’s an old lady – which makes more sense than what they did in the movie).
This is really interesting to me because I wonder if the producers felt it was similar to Gump and just hired the guy that wrote it, or does the guy that wrote it subconsciously have all that stuff in his head and he can’t help but write it?
Either way, I kept comparing the two. Forrest Gump worked for me, whereas Benjamin Button kinda didn’t. Why? The biggest reason is Tom Hanks. I could watch Tom Hanks take a shit for 2 hours and enjoy it. He makes things watchable. Can’t say the same for Brad Pitt.
And where the Forrest Gump character is dumb and funny and does dumb and funny things, Button is a nothing. He’s a guy stuff happens to, instead of the other way around. Forrest Gump does things. He shows his ass to the President. He beats the shit out of Jenny’s boyfriend…twice, and “ruins your black panther party”. He also does a lot of jogging for no reason.
That's the main reason it's better to me. But also, who could love Cate Blanchett?
Anyway, that’s all I have to say about that.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
The Bachelor Episode 1: A Deadbeat Daddy and a Gentleman
So we're really doing this again, huh? Wow. Who will be the next Lamas? Which one is a virgin? Which one also has a kid (cause you know there's one of those)? What will be funnier than Brad (or was it Chad)? I don't know, let's watch!
The show starts off with a little montage of some of the girls. They are all kind of "pitching" themselves for Jason. This is what I was worried about. I like it better when they don't know who the guy is. I enjoy the possibility of the girl meeting the guy and not liking him, though that's never happened (that they've shown us). Whatever, I'll get over it. But you have to be worried about girls who are dying to get with Jason, particularly those labeling him a "stud".
Oh! There we go - Stacia - is 24 and a single mom (2 kids! Suck on that, planned parenthood). She also doesn't know how to jog. Swing those arms, creepy lady.
We have another "professional cheerleader". There's also pageant girl, and the producers would like us to believe that she cleans her apartment while wearing her sash and tiara.
Renee is 36, lives in LA, and wants to have sex with her dog. She is also the inventor of my new favorite psycho thing: a vision board.
Remember when I used to go ape shit about girls with a "life plan"? Okay, this is that times a thousand bananas. Cause that's bananas, girl. According to her, "a vision board is a board that you create based on what you want in life". This bitch has two of them! This show is looking up, I'm feeling the next rotting ovaries here.
Oh snap. Single mom number 2 in the building. This one is a widower, and has a "tribute to daddy" in her backyard. That's awkward. I'm not gonna make fun of her until she makes me.
The girls sit in the limo and lie it up about how great Jason is. Please, he's no Graham Bunn. I love that name.
All right, limo time. Let's officially meet the ladies...
LAUREN - 27, a teacher from Jersey. I've never done this before in the history of the bachelor, but I am declaring her the early frontrunner right now. She is a pretty darn hot. Too hot for him, actually.
KARI - from Kansas, and that's how she says it - Kari from Kansas. She's 27 and an advertising executive. She's got very white teeth - like Ross, from that one episode of "Friends".
MELISSA - 25, from Texas. She's plucky, and oh yeah, she's the cheerleader. That explains it.
SHARON - 32, a teacher from New York. She approaches with a gimmick, which I personally despise. Just a good and hearty "hi" will do, ladies. Don't need to walk up speaking french or doing the rumba.
NATALIE - 27, from Chicago. She's blonde. Also, an insane tan. Like Ross, from that one episode of "Friends" (I watch a lot of "Friends").
NAOMI - 24, a flight attendant. She's curvy. She looks like Eva Mendes when Eva Mendes isn't looking so good.
MEGAN - 25, she's a lacrosse coach. You know what that means, Jason...lesbo. Let me introduce to you my good friend, stereotypes.
STACIA - 24, from Utah. She's the one with 2 kids, I believe.
JACKIE - 26, she lies about her age.
LISA - 27, she might be black, I'm not sure, stay tuned. She's like Tiger Woods black or something, or maybe really Italian.
STEPHANIE - 34, the widower. She takes about 2 seconds to creep him the fuck out.
TREASURE - 28, a nurse. Her opener is a joke about her stripper name. I respect that. You have to do it, your name is fucking Treasure.
RAQUEL - 27, she's from Brazil. She has an accent. She's got the booty of 2 Brazilian girls. And you know what I say to that? Hellz yeah.
SHELBY - 23, from Stockton. She immediately disses her hometown. Hey girl, don't mess with the bay. She's blonde and nondescript.
NIKKI - 29, from Chicago. She asks about Ty, smart move. This girl is hot, and I am predicting right now she gets the label of "girl who isn't here for the right reasons".
MOLLY - 24, she wants you to know that she's a golfer. She is also cute, but is bringing way too many gimmicks to the table. Honey, you're cute, you don't have to do anything in life.
ERICA - 25, she is the first openly not skinny girl. Let's face it, she's chubs. Jason immediately recognizes this and spits out a "you're cute!" Easy there, buddy, not so obvious.
NICOLE - 25, she's almost Asian. Almost.
RENEE - 36, she has one, nay, two vision boards! She looks a lot like Molly, but 12 years older and bat shit crazier.
JILLIAN - 29, from Canada, ey. Not cute.
DOMINIQUE - 26, ah the dreaded "medical sales". Yeah, you and everyone else. I'm not liking her. The only Dominique in my world is Dominique Wilkins.
EMILY - 23, a blonde girl. She's a big Seahawks fan. Apparently, not a fan of hair dryers.
JULIE - 26, she's almost Asian too. Can these people stick with one race? I'm getting so confused. She's a bit of a chunky monkey, herself. But I respect that this season they are casting the short. They've skewed tall and mannish in the past.
ANN - 24, a flight attendant from Phoenix. Another bigger girl. She's got the arms of a young Steve Wisniewski.
SHANNON - 29. She does the fake teeth bit. Yeah, someone already did that 2 seasons ago, get your own joke.
And that's your 25. I have to say I'm quite impressed, there are some girls I can really get on board with. Props to the casting. The only quibble I'd have is that there aren't really any black girls or any kind of variety. I'm guessing Jason told the casting people that he's a racist, er, only likes white girls. It's a shame, because black girls is one of the reasons "Momma's Boys" is so awesome.
Jason walks into the house. The girls squeal. Who was the bachelor who got a standing ovation every single time he walked into a room? Anyone remember that?
Shannon says "I wanna be a mom so bad!" Frightening. All the girls are going on and on about how they love that Jason is a dad. Only on TV, folks. She also knows everything about Jason. She knows his birthday, his brother, the name of his brother's girlfriend, she frequents his myspace page. Oh boy. People really don't know what they're doing, do they?
The dancing girl - Sharon - reveals to him that she quit her job to be on the show. Coincidentally, Jason quit being a dad to be on the show.
Kari reads a poem she wrote for Jason. Oh Lord. The sort of asian girl is forced to sit there awkwardly as the poem is read, and forces out a "I have something for you too! But I have to give it to you later". I think I saw this on an episode of Brady Bunch once. Only I think her gift is gonna involve vagina.
The girls cook wieners and use the word wieners.
The first impression rose is placed on a table...
And guess who puts the moves on...Nikki! Aka the girl I labeled "not here for the right reasons". She's damn cute, in an overly made up, pageanty sorta way. But she's smooth.
Oh no! Renee immediately starts telling Jason about her vision boards! Sweetie, you're not 36 and still single for nothing. Hint: it rhymes with shmision boards.
He sits outside and talks with Lauren. She was the first one out of the limo and my brave pick for frontrunner. She looks like a girlfriend I had awhile back, only with boobs and prettiness. Jason says "wait here, I'll be right back!"
This is an obvious point here where's he's going to get the first impression rose for Lauren. And she interviews "of course I'm getting it, I mean, hello!" I nod my head. But then Jason comes back with no rose, just some food. This was a complete producer setup.
Oh boy, the producers keep trying to spice things up. Now they bring out a ballot box and the girls get to vote for a girl they want to go home, the woman with the most votes has to leave. Bullshit! The show has been on for 39 seasons for a reason, assholes, the format works. Stop messing with the magic. You know this is some sort of trick.
There's a funny moment where a girl says she voted for the Cowboy cheerleader because she tried out as a Cowboy cheerleader twice and got rejected. Heh.
Megan is all high and mighty about being a "good parent", and wondering if these other chicks are ready to be a parent. Turns out, her kid is 14 months old and she's all up on the bachelor? Bitch, please.
Finally, he grabs the first impression. He gives it to Nikki! That's right, the girl who isn't there for the right reasons always jumps out to an early lead.
Chris Harrison comes out with the results of the voting. Jackie, the drunk cheerleading reject, got the third most votes. Erica came in second. And the woman getting the most votes...Megan!!! There ya go, deadbeat.
But oh, it's the old switcheroo, she's not leaving. She's leaving...with a rose. She gets to automatically stay. Lame.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
I actually have some favorites I don't want to see go. I'm nervous. And obviously, extremely gay.
LAUREN - what did I tell you? I'm a bachelor-ologist. I got my phd in hot tub hos.
KARI - meh.
NAOMI - her nickname is "average Eva Mendes", and I think I could fall in love with her as the show continues. I'm glad she's in.
NATALIE - a tall blonde, and very cute, though heavily fake baked.
MOLLY - she's short, and I respect that.
RAQUEL - they didn't give Jason much flavor to work with, but this man enjoys a good latina booty as much as the next man.
STEPHANIE - the widower, had to be a producer's pick. She'll be gone in week 2.
MELISSA - thank God. The girls already hate her cause she's so damn adorable. I'm already slotting her in the top 4, that's where my confidence level is at right now.
JILLIAN - yikes. I don't get that one. That's like the 49ers picking Alex Smith.
SHANNON - ugh, teeth girl. And I just noticed she has fake boobs.
LISA - yes! We may still find out if this girl is black or not!
SHARON - this is the worst pick of the night. She's horrible, and a stalker.
ERICA - this guy loves junk in the trunk. Maybe that's why last year he was a DeAnna man.
Not too bad, overall. I would've liked to have seen vision boards for one more episode, just from the comedy standpoint. But some interesting ladies to work with here. It really seems like Jason enjoys brunettes with large rumps, and let's face it, latinas...why weren't there more of those to choose from?
Okay, before I go...the best part of the season: "this season on the Bachelor" preview is crazy. First of all, a lot of the girls seem to have amazing bodies. You can never get a good read on them in the first episode, but things are looking up. Second of all, the preview seems to imply that DeAnna comes back and the girls get pissed. They are totally hating on her, I love it. It's been 43 seasons, but you know what, I'm hooked again.
Until next week...
The show starts off with a little montage of some of the girls. They are all kind of "pitching" themselves for Jason. This is what I was worried about. I like it better when they don't know who the guy is. I enjoy the possibility of the girl meeting the guy and not liking him, though that's never happened (that they've shown us). Whatever, I'll get over it. But you have to be worried about girls who are dying to get with Jason, particularly those labeling him a "stud".
Oh! There we go - Stacia - is 24 and a single mom (2 kids! Suck on that, planned parenthood). She also doesn't know how to jog. Swing those arms, creepy lady.
We have another "professional cheerleader". There's also pageant girl, and the producers would like us to believe that she cleans her apartment while wearing her sash and tiara.
Renee is 36, lives in LA, and wants to have sex with her dog. She is also the inventor of my new favorite psycho thing: a vision board.
Remember when I used to go ape shit about girls with a "life plan"? Okay, this is that times a thousand bananas. Cause that's bananas, girl. According to her, "a vision board is a board that you create based on what you want in life". This bitch has two of them! This show is looking up, I'm feeling the next rotting ovaries here.
Oh snap. Single mom number 2 in the building. This one is a widower, and has a "tribute to daddy" in her backyard. That's awkward. I'm not gonna make fun of her until she makes me.
The girls sit in the limo and lie it up about how great Jason is. Please, he's no Graham Bunn. I love that name.
All right, limo time. Let's officially meet the ladies...
LAUREN - 27, a teacher from Jersey. I've never done this before in the history of the bachelor, but I am declaring her the early frontrunner right now. She is a pretty darn hot. Too hot for him, actually.
KARI - from Kansas, and that's how she says it - Kari from Kansas. She's 27 and an advertising executive. She's got very white teeth - like Ross, from that one episode of "Friends".
MELISSA - 25, from Texas. She's plucky, and oh yeah, she's the cheerleader. That explains it.
SHARON - 32, a teacher from New York. She approaches with a gimmick, which I personally despise. Just a good and hearty "hi" will do, ladies. Don't need to walk up speaking french or doing the rumba.
NATALIE - 27, from Chicago. She's blonde. Also, an insane tan. Like Ross, from that one episode of "Friends" (I watch a lot of "Friends").
NAOMI - 24, a flight attendant. She's curvy. She looks like Eva Mendes when Eva Mendes isn't looking so good.
MEGAN - 25, she's a lacrosse coach. You know what that means, Jason...lesbo. Let me introduce to you my good friend, stereotypes.
STACIA - 24, from Utah. She's the one with 2 kids, I believe.
JACKIE - 26, she lies about her age.
LISA - 27, she might be black, I'm not sure, stay tuned. She's like Tiger Woods black or something, or maybe really Italian.
STEPHANIE - 34, the widower. She takes about 2 seconds to creep him the fuck out.
TREASURE - 28, a nurse. Her opener is a joke about her stripper name. I respect that. You have to do it, your name is fucking Treasure.
RAQUEL - 27, she's from Brazil. She has an accent. She's got the booty of 2 Brazilian girls. And you know what I say to that? Hellz yeah.
SHELBY - 23, from Stockton. She immediately disses her hometown. Hey girl, don't mess with the bay. She's blonde and nondescript.
NIKKI - 29, from Chicago. She asks about Ty, smart move. This girl is hot, and I am predicting right now she gets the label of "girl who isn't here for the right reasons".
MOLLY - 24, she wants you to know that she's a golfer. She is also cute, but is bringing way too many gimmicks to the table. Honey, you're cute, you don't have to do anything in life.
ERICA - 25, she is the first openly not skinny girl. Let's face it, she's chubs. Jason immediately recognizes this and spits out a "you're cute!" Easy there, buddy, not so obvious.
NICOLE - 25, she's almost Asian. Almost.
RENEE - 36, she has one, nay, two vision boards! She looks a lot like Molly, but 12 years older and bat shit crazier.
JILLIAN - 29, from Canada, ey. Not cute.
DOMINIQUE - 26, ah the dreaded "medical sales". Yeah, you and everyone else. I'm not liking her. The only Dominique in my world is Dominique Wilkins.
EMILY - 23, a blonde girl. She's a big Seahawks fan. Apparently, not a fan of hair dryers.
JULIE - 26, she's almost Asian too. Can these people stick with one race? I'm getting so confused. She's a bit of a chunky monkey, herself. But I respect that this season they are casting the short. They've skewed tall and mannish in the past.
ANN - 24, a flight attendant from Phoenix. Another bigger girl. She's got the arms of a young Steve Wisniewski.
SHANNON - 29. She does the fake teeth bit. Yeah, someone already did that 2 seasons ago, get your own joke.
And that's your 25. I have to say I'm quite impressed, there are some girls I can really get on board with. Props to the casting. The only quibble I'd have is that there aren't really any black girls or any kind of variety. I'm guessing Jason told the casting people that he's a racist, er, only likes white girls. It's a shame, because black girls is one of the reasons "Momma's Boys" is so awesome.
Jason walks into the house. The girls squeal. Who was the bachelor who got a standing ovation every single time he walked into a room? Anyone remember that?
Shannon says "I wanna be a mom so bad!" Frightening. All the girls are going on and on about how they love that Jason is a dad. Only on TV, folks. She also knows everything about Jason. She knows his birthday, his brother, the name of his brother's girlfriend, she frequents his myspace page. Oh boy. People really don't know what they're doing, do they?
The dancing girl - Sharon - reveals to him that she quit her job to be on the show. Coincidentally, Jason quit being a dad to be on the show.
Kari reads a poem she wrote for Jason. Oh Lord. The sort of asian girl is forced to sit there awkwardly as the poem is read, and forces out a "I have something for you too! But I have to give it to you later". I think I saw this on an episode of Brady Bunch once. Only I think her gift is gonna involve vagina.
The girls cook wieners and use the word wieners.
The first impression rose is placed on a table...
And guess who puts the moves on...Nikki! Aka the girl I labeled "not here for the right reasons". She's damn cute, in an overly made up, pageanty sorta way. But she's smooth.
Oh no! Renee immediately starts telling Jason about her vision boards! Sweetie, you're not 36 and still single for nothing. Hint: it rhymes with shmision boards.
He sits outside and talks with Lauren. She was the first one out of the limo and my brave pick for frontrunner. She looks like a girlfriend I had awhile back, only with boobs and prettiness. Jason says "wait here, I'll be right back!"
This is an obvious point here where's he's going to get the first impression rose for Lauren. And she interviews "of course I'm getting it, I mean, hello!" I nod my head. But then Jason comes back with no rose, just some food. This was a complete producer setup.
Oh boy, the producers keep trying to spice things up. Now they bring out a ballot box and the girls get to vote for a girl they want to go home, the woman with the most votes has to leave. Bullshit! The show has been on for 39 seasons for a reason, assholes, the format works. Stop messing with the magic. You know this is some sort of trick.
There's a funny moment where a girl says she voted for the Cowboy cheerleader because she tried out as a Cowboy cheerleader twice and got rejected. Heh.
Megan is all high and mighty about being a "good parent", and wondering if these other chicks are ready to be a parent. Turns out, her kid is 14 months old and she's all up on the bachelor? Bitch, please.
Finally, he grabs the first impression. He gives it to Nikki! That's right, the girl who isn't there for the right reasons always jumps out to an early lead.
Chris Harrison comes out with the results of the voting. Jackie, the drunk cheerleading reject, got the third most votes. Erica came in second. And the woman getting the most votes...Megan!!! There ya go, deadbeat.
But oh, it's the old switcheroo, she's not leaving. She's leaving...with a rose. She gets to automatically stay. Lame.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
I actually have some favorites I don't want to see go. I'm nervous. And obviously, extremely gay.
LAUREN - what did I tell you? I'm a bachelor-ologist. I got my phd in hot tub hos.
KARI - meh.
NAOMI - her nickname is "average Eva Mendes", and I think I could fall in love with her as the show continues. I'm glad she's in.
NATALIE - a tall blonde, and very cute, though heavily fake baked.
MOLLY - she's short, and I respect that.
RAQUEL - they didn't give Jason much flavor to work with, but this man enjoys a good latina booty as much as the next man.
STEPHANIE - the widower, had to be a producer's pick. She'll be gone in week 2.
MELISSA - thank God. The girls already hate her cause she's so damn adorable. I'm already slotting her in the top 4, that's where my confidence level is at right now.
JILLIAN - yikes. I don't get that one. That's like the 49ers picking Alex Smith.
SHANNON - ugh, teeth girl. And I just noticed she has fake boobs.
LISA - yes! We may still find out if this girl is black or not!
SHARON - this is the worst pick of the night. She's horrible, and a stalker.
ERICA - this guy loves junk in the trunk. Maybe that's why last year he was a DeAnna man.
Not too bad, overall. I would've liked to have seen vision boards for one more episode, just from the comedy standpoint. But some interesting ladies to work with here. It really seems like Jason enjoys brunettes with large rumps, and let's face it, latinas...why weren't there more of those to choose from?
Okay, before I go...the best part of the season: "this season on the Bachelor" preview is crazy. First of all, a lot of the girls seem to have amazing bodies. You can never get a good read on them in the first episode, but things are looking up. Second of all, the preview seems to imply that DeAnna comes back and the girls get pissed. They are totally hating on her, I love it. It's been 43 seasons, but you know what, I'm hooked again.
Until next week...
Monday, January 05, 2009
The Bachelor Refuses to Go Away
I know we're all excited for the return of my Bachelor recaps. I'm just thankful that child services has yet to intervene on Jason's son's behalf. If those good people were doing their job, dude would be in jail and that kid would be in a healthy home somewhere and I wouldn't get to recap the show. There is however, some bad news...
Due to my current job, I will be unable to post my "insta-caps" (tm=handleman industries). We tape two shows on Monday night, so I can't get back in time to give it the proper devotion. Thus, we will all have to wait until Tuesday night. I apologize. But hey, it could be worse, you could be Jason's kid.
Due to my current job, I will be unable to post my "insta-caps" (tm=handleman industries). We tape two shows on Monday night, so I can't get back in time to give it the proper devotion. Thus, we will all have to wait until Tuesday night. I apologize. But hey, it could be worse, you could be Jason's kid.
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Kim Kardashian's Ass Does Not Stop Time
Happy 2009! I spent my new year's eve up in the club. Unfortunately, or fortunately - depending on how you feel about large asses, inter-racial romance, and the spawn of OJ's defense team - Kim Kardashian was there too. She was there with her sisters, Reggie Bush, and a bunch of other people.
I knew that they were going to be there and I didn't really think that much of it. Apparently, I was the only one who felt that way. The place lost their collective minds. You could not move...at least if you were anywhere near the Kardashians. I immediately fled the scene and sought higher ground. I took a picture of the Kardashian loving morons...
The other title I was gonna use for this post was: "BRUCE JENNER PARTIES LIKE ITS 1976". Because Bruce was there too, and the way these kids were hovering around and taking pictures of him, you'd think he just won the decathlon, instead of just getting his tenth face lift.
Seriously, Bruce Jenner? That's what we've come to? Jenner's in the club?
This made me think about how flawed the TV ratings system is. The big networks typically run a show once a week. The basic cable networks - Comedy Central, e!, MTV, VH1 - run a show on it's regular "premier night", and then rerun the shit out of it for the rest of the week. So you can watch "The Real World" at 10pm on Wednesday when it premieres, or you can watch it on Thursday afternoon, or Friday morning, or Saturday evening, etc.
We, the public, know this. So we do not feel it necessary to watch these basic cable shows on their premiere night, cause we know we will catch a rerun at some point. And yet the networks, and dare I say, the media, put a great emphasis on the ratings for the first night these shows air. They see "The Mentalist" getting a 14 rating and "Keeping up with the Kardashian's" getting a 2 and that's that. But everyone (who doesn't watch shows on the internet) knows they have to watch "The Mentalist" that night, while people are gonna be watching the Kardashian's all week. I don't think there's really a 14-2 spread between them. I think everyone has seen a portion of the Kardashian's at some point because it's on so much, I can't say the same about primetime network shows.
The point is, would there have been the same reaction from the people at the club if the guy from "The Mentalist" was there with Brian Boitano? I think not. And don't you dare blame Boitano for that. I will not have Boitano blamed!
On a side note, I ran into Usher earlier in the night. He was walking around with his old lady wife with a cigar in his mouth. People ask me why I didn't talk to him, and here's the explanation:
Usher would not recognize me on sight, therefore I would have to say to him, "hey Ursh, I'm the guy who wrote "In the Mix", remember?". I would have to do that. Now, had the movie been a hit I'd be glad to do it. There would be high fives and chest bumps, maybe a bottle of Crystal sent to my table, accompanied by a note: "Ir, I owe my entire acting career to you. Be sure to check me out in "7 Pounds". You da man, Ursh".
Well, things did not turn out that way. So instead, I may as well be saying "hey, I'm the guy who wrote the movie that caused you to never act in another movie ever again. My bad."
And that's why I didn't go up to him.
Finally, just for the hell of it, here's a little guy in a silver suit...
I knew that they were going to be there and I didn't really think that much of it. Apparently, I was the only one who felt that way. The place lost their collective minds. You could not move...at least if you were anywhere near the Kardashians. I immediately fled the scene and sought higher ground. I took a picture of the Kardashian loving morons...
The other title I was gonna use for this post was: "BRUCE JENNER PARTIES LIKE ITS 1976". Because Bruce was there too, and the way these kids were hovering around and taking pictures of him, you'd think he just won the decathlon, instead of just getting his tenth face lift.
Seriously, Bruce Jenner? That's what we've come to? Jenner's in the club?
This made me think about how flawed the TV ratings system is. The big networks typically run a show once a week. The basic cable networks - Comedy Central, e!, MTV, VH1 - run a show on it's regular "premier night", and then rerun the shit out of it for the rest of the week. So you can watch "The Real World" at 10pm on Wednesday when it premieres, or you can watch it on Thursday afternoon, or Friday morning, or Saturday evening, etc.
We, the public, know this. So we do not feel it necessary to watch these basic cable shows on their premiere night, cause we know we will catch a rerun at some point. And yet the networks, and dare I say, the media, put a great emphasis on the ratings for the first night these shows air. They see "The Mentalist" getting a 14 rating and "Keeping up with the Kardashian's" getting a 2 and that's that. But everyone (who doesn't watch shows on the internet) knows they have to watch "The Mentalist" that night, while people are gonna be watching the Kardashian's all week. I don't think there's really a 14-2 spread between them. I think everyone has seen a portion of the Kardashian's at some point because it's on so much, I can't say the same about primetime network shows.
The point is, would there have been the same reaction from the people at the club if the guy from "The Mentalist" was there with Brian Boitano? I think not. And don't you dare blame Boitano for that. I will not have Boitano blamed!
On a side note, I ran into Usher earlier in the night. He was walking around with his old lady wife with a cigar in his mouth. People ask me why I didn't talk to him, and here's the explanation:
Usher would not recognize me on sight, therefore I would have to say to him, "hey Ursh, I'm the guy who wrote "In the Mix", remember?". I would have to do that. Now, had the movie been a hit I'd be glad to do it. There would be high fives and chest bumps, maybe a bottle of Crystal sent to my table, accompanied by a note: "Ir, I owe my entire acting career to you. Be sure to check me out in "7 Pounds". You da man, Ursh".
Well, things did not turn out that way. So instead, I may as well be saying "hey, I'm the guy who wrote the movie that caused you to never act in another movie ever again. My bad."
And that's why I didn't go up to him.
Finally, just for the hell of it, here's a little guy in a silver suit...
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