This story is mostly for my family because they are impressed by these things.
I went to dinner last night with a couple of guy friends. One of them is famous. It's always a nice change of pace hanging out with someone famous, because in LA wherever you go, people look up to check and see if you're famous and then look away. So at least on this night, people looked up and didn't give me their normal look of disappointment and disgust.
We walk upstairs and are led to our table - I was following behind everybody. And I see that next to our table is a group of 4 girls. The ones facing me that I can see look a little older and Jewishy. I immediately see their eyes light up when they see my friend. They start talking to him as I approach.
"We're having a girls night out!"
I'm thinking to myself, "wow, when you're famous, people just talk to you like they know you". But I quickly realized that they did know him. At least one of them did. One of the girls who had her back to me slightly turns and I see that it's...
Jessica Alba.
A delightful gal. Very friendly. She's sitting next to us. But she has committed the ultimate faux pas, something you should never do when having dinner at a fancy restaurant and sitting near me, especially if you're a girl:
She had bangs.
This whole episode reminded me of something. I was watching a documentary on HBO called "Right America: Feeling Wronged". And these people in the "fly over" country are always going, "we're not no fancy pants celebrities, we're the salt of the Earth, real Americans..."
But the truth is if these people ever got close to celebrities they would lose their fucking minds. They're the biggest celebrity fuckers in the world. they just don't live near them so they talk shit. And I'm the same way.
Sitting there I wanted to immediately take back that whole thing about Jessica being "box office poison". I feel awful about it now. She's a delight. I had a whole new way of looking at things. I started feeling strongly that she is box office antidote, or whatever the opposite of box office poison is.
And this, ladies and gentleman, is why horrible movies get made. Movie execs are fly over country people with better jobs. They get in a room, and suddenly making a movie with Jessica Alba and Paul Walker seems like a great idea.
Well, it's actually a horrible idea. But it is nice to look at. Except when it involves bangs.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
We Have a Walt Sighting!
"Boy's gotten big"
I'll say. I love how they immediately acknowledged his size.
I don't know why but I feel like I always have to post when Walt shows up on "Lost". It seems like they specifically did it to explain to the audience why he wasn't included in the people who have to go back. But apparently, "the boy has been through enough". Whatever that means. The months of malnourishment and kidnapping certainly didn't affect his growth. Personally, I think Jack's been through enough but what do I know?
The question I had after this is: is that it for Walt? I would not be happy with that. The whole first season revolved around The Others needing him for something. And then of course there's the ol' talking backwards and shit. This needs explanation, and not just "he's been through enough".
I'll say. I love how they immediately acknowledged his size.
I don't know why but I feel like I always have to post when Walt shows up on "Lost". It seems like they specifically did it to explain to the audience why he wasn't included in the people who have to go back. But apparently, "the boy has been through enough". Whatever that means. The months of malnourishment and kidnapping certainly didn't affect his growth. Personally, I think Jack's been through enough but what do I know?
The question I had after this is: is that it for Walt? I would not be happy with that. The whole first season revolved around The Others needing him for something. And then of course there's the ol' talking backwards and shit. This needs explanation, and not just "he's been through enough".
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Fired! Hired! And NBC President George Costanza
I have some good news, and I have some bad news.
The bad news is that I got fired.
But the good news is...I got fired! The last couple of months have been hellish. I've been miserable. I'm supposedly a comedy writer, I like to write comedy. However, I've been on a show that doesn't want to do comedy. So why was I working there?
Actually, they did want to do comedy at first. And I did it, and the show got better - according to TV Week, ratings were up 4 percent from last year - in a television universe where everyone else's ratings are down. But then, Jay Leno at 10:00 happened and everyone freaked the fuck out. Suddenly, we had to be different, and that meant no comedy, and that meant no job for me. And thank God.
The sad fact is that I was sticking around this place only for the paycheck. It's a tough world out there, people, and a steady job is nothing to sneeze at. So despite my frustration and anger and depression, I stuck it out. The ax finally fell recently, and the only thing I felt was relief. Despite good people and the security of having a gig, I just didn't want to be there anymore.
Was there a sign that this was about to happen? Well I'm no mind reader, but at one point we (the writers) were asked to "come up with bits that don't involve writing". Seriously. They asked us to think of stuff that they wouldn't need writers for - never a good sign.
But I couldn't exactly be too bummed, because the exact same week that happened they also fired John Black and Marlena. John Black and Marlena! If they get canned, no one is safe. Marlena went through an exorcism with these people, I had merely a few months of poorly thought out entertainment.
This brings me to some more good news: I got another job. A better job. A job involving actual comedy writing. And a job that will actually pay me a respectable wage. So everything has worked out in the end.
Before I go, a quick word about NBC.
NBC is the network I grew up watching as a kid. I'm talking Diff'rent Strokes, Silver Spoons, Facts of Life, Cheers, Family Ties, Saturday Night Live, Cosby Show, Hunter, Quantum Leap, Seinfeld, and Friends. That was my home base network. I flirted with Fox, had an extended affair with ABC, and I never watched CBS. NBC was my long term lady.
I don't want to get into all of the craziness and stupidity and cheapness that I witnessed while I was there, but it's sad to see what my baby girl has become. And things are only going to get worse.
The powers that be willingly admit that they will be the 4th place network in the 10 pm time slot. They are conceding it! Why? Because they admit that they can't find a good show. Literally, they've said "we can't find a good show for 10pm, so we'll just stick Leno in there". Leno...the guy they tried to get rid of for Conan.
And by "they" I mean Jeff Zucker. Zucker was a genius whiz kid at the "Today" show. He is responsible for making that show number one in the ratings. Because of this, he was made NBC Entertainment President. In this respect, Jeff Zucker is really George Costanza.
George Costanza is great on Seinfeld. Funny, funny. And you got Kramer there, and Elaine, and Jerry, it all works. But would you really watch a show where the main character was Costanza? Of course not. That wouldn't be a good show. Costanza is great as part of the team, but he's not a leading man.
And this is Jeff Zucker. Oh, he's fantastic as part of "Today", but you don't let Costanza run the whole network.
So I guess it's time to say: so long, my sweet NBC, I'll be off banging some basic cable.
The bad news is that I got fired.
But the good news is...I got fired! The last couple of months have been hellish. I've been miserable. I'm supposedly a comedy writer, I like to write comedy. However, I've been on a show that doesn't want to do comedy. So why was I working there?
Actually, they did want to do comedy at first. And I did it, and the show got better - according to TV Week, ratings were up 4 percent from last year - in a television universe where everyone else's ratings are down. But then, Jay Leno at 10:00 happened and everyone freaked the fuck out. Suddenly, we had to be different, and that meant no comedy, and that meant no job for me. And thank God.
The sad fact is that I was sticking around this place only for the paycheck. It's a tough world out there, people, and a steady job is nothing to sneeze at. So despite my frustration and anger and depression, I stuck it out. The ax finally fell recently, and the only thing I felt was relief. Despite good people and the security of having a gig, I just didn't want to be there anymore.
Was there a sign that this was about to happen? Well I'm no mind reader, but at one point we (the writers) were asked to "come up with bits that don't involve writing". Seriously. They asked us to think of stuff that they wouldn't need writers for - never a good sign.
But I couldn't exactly be too bummed, because the exact same week that happened they also fired John Black and Marlena. John Black and Marlena! If they get canned, no one is safe. Marlena went through an exorcism with these people, I had merely a few months of poorly thought out entertainment.
This brings me to some more good news: I got another job. A better job. A job involving actual comedy writing. And a job that will actually pay me a respectable wage. So everything has worked out in the end.
Before I go, a quick word about NBC.
NBC is the network I grew up watching as a kid. I'm talking Diff'rent Strokes, Silver Spoons, Facts of Life, Cheers, Family Ties, Saturday Night Live, Cosby Show, Hunter, Quantum Leap, Seinfeld, and Friends. That was my home base network. I flirted with Fox, had an extended affair with ABC, and I never watched CBS. NBC was my long term lady.
I don't want to get into all of the craziness and stupidity and cheapness that I witnessed while I was there, but it's sad to see what my baby girl has become. And things are only going to get worse.
The powers that be willingly admit that they will be the 4th place network in the 10 pm time slot. They are conceding it! Why? Because they admit that they can't find a good show. Literally, they've said "we can't find a good show for 10pm, so we'll just stick Leno in there". Leno...the guy they tried to get rid of for Conan.
And by "they" I mean Jeff Zucker. Zucker was a genius whiz kid at the "Today" show. He is responsible for making that show number one in the ratings. Because of this, he was made NBC Entertainment President. In this respect, Jeff Zucker is really George Costanza.
George Costanza is great on Seinfeld. Funny, funny. And you got Kramer there, and Elaine, and Jerry, it all works. But would you really watch a show where the main character was Costanza? Of course not. That wouldn't be a good show. Costanza is great as part of the team, but he's not a leading man.
And this is Jeff Zucker. Oh, he's fantastic as part of "Today", but you don't let Costanza run the whole network.
So I guess it's time to say: so long, my sweet NBC, I'll be off banging some basic cable.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
The (Gay) Oscars
It's weird that Hollywood's response to crappy ratings for awards shows is to go gayer. First Seacrest, now Jackman. That's what the middle of the country wants to see, gay stuff. I think the low ratings might have something to do with not giving the awards to the movies people have actually seen.
As it begins, there's a shot of Diane Lane with Josh Brolin. How was the video of Josh Brolin laughing and kissing Jeffrey Wright in the back of a police car not a bigger deal? Screw "Milk", that is one of the best things I've seen all year. Do yourselves a favor...
Sure enough, things start off with a musical number. And to make matters worse, Anne Hathaway.
The stage is kinda cool. It feels like there's only 20 people there or something. 21 if you count Philip Seymour Hoffman twice.
First up, best supporting actress...
Viola Davis "commanded every moment she was on screen". Yeah, she commanded the one moment she was on screen. She had one fricking scene in the whole movie. The snot scene.
Whoopi Goldberg backs up my made up statistic that "86 percent of tattooed breasts are African American".
Penelope Cruz wins. Dammit, that's the one movie I haven't seen this year. Oh, and "Frost/Nixon". I find it hard to believe that she's the best supporting anything. She can't speak the language. At one point in her speech she says "and now, I have to speak the Spanish", and I hadn't even realized she was speaking English.
Tina Fey and Steve Martin come out and are funny. Tina is skinnier than she's ever been in her whole life. The Milk guy wins, and gets political with some gay marriage talk. Next, adapted screenplay. If Eric Roth wins for copying his Forrest Gump screenplay I'm gonna be pissed. But it's gotta be Slumdog...
And it is. I guess it was the best movie I saw this year. Either that or "The Wrestler". No, fuck that, I'm lying. I think my favorite movie this year was "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". "Iron Man" was good too. The worst movie: Tie between "Indiana Jones" and "Don't Mess with the Zohan".
Jen Aniston comes out with Jack Black. She's stoked that Brad and Angelina are in the front row and practically in her lap. I wonder if she thought it was a practical joke when her agent sent her the script "He's Just Not That Into You".
An Asian guy wins for best animated short, and sets back Asian stereotypes 50 years.
Seth Rogen is the skinniest he has ever been in his whole life. I think Jonah Hill is eating all of his meals for him. On a side note, James Franco has never made me laugh. Ever. I don't think being friends with Judd Apatow should qualify you as a comedic actor. He's good at kissing dudes and being jealous of Spiderman though. Stick to that.
Oh no, another musical number. Beyonce joins in, and then Vanessa Hudgins and Zac Effron from "High School Musical". That Effron guy can't sing - someone else does his voice on those "High School Music" songs. I hate that I know that. At the end of it, Jackman proclaims "the musical is back!" Um, didn't you produce a musical TV show for CBS that was immediately canceled?
Has there been an Oscars that hasn't featured a tribute to Jack Palance doing pushups at the Oscars?
Past best supporting actor guys come out to give out the award. Alan Arkin calls Philip Seymour Hoffman: Seymour Philip Hoffman. In an even bigger gaffe, Cuba Gooding Jr. is there.
We all know who is going to win this one. But let me just say that Michael Shannon was the only good thing in "Revolutionary Road". He was great. But just as you can't fight city hall, you can't beat a dead guy.
"Man on Wire" wins Best Documentary. I've heard that's good. Not good: the man on wire's pants.
The visual effects guy from "Benjamin Button" thanks "Anson Williams". Potsie?
Will Smith's hair sponsored by Soul Glo. Slumdog keeps winning everything. It appears that a bunch of British white guys made that movie, and one exasperated Indian dude.
We have an Eddie Murphy sighting. That can only mean one thing: talking animals. Nope, he's presenting an award to Jerry Lewis for something...maybe for inventing the talking animal movie. Jerry Lewis once pulled a gun on my friend. True story. My buddy was interviewing him for E!'s True Hollywood Story, and Jerry goes, "hey kid, look what I keep in my desk drawer", and pulls out a gun. He's a crazy person.
Liam Neeson in the building. Do not take that dude's daughter. He comes out with Freida Pinto. Now, here's a question: is she going to get work in Hollywood? Will it have to be a part specifically about "a girl from India"? It will be interesting to see how that develops.
"Departures" from Japan wins Best Foreign Film. The guy from that movie sets back Asian stereotypes 100 years. Not a good night for the Asians. Somewhere, Clint Eastwood's character from Grand Torino is going, "see?"
The big winner tonight: broken english.
The only time I ever see Queen Latifah is at the Oscars. I don't know why this is. The Oscars are particularly kind to large, black women. She sings a song over the dead people montage. She's singing a song, which makes me mad. She's rapper. I wish she did "U-N-I-T-Y, who ya callin' a bitch!"
Reese presents Best Director. All signs point to Danny Boyle, and indeed it is. Interestingly, I have a friend named Danny Boyle. He is also a director. He's in the guild. Sometimes he gets the "real" Danny Boyle's mail. It has to be frustrating when a guy with your name and your job keeps getting awards and stuff and you have to keep hearing about it from your mailbox.
5 best actress winners come out. And from what I can tell, Anne Hathaway really likes Shirley Maclaine. Halle Berry is better looking than everyone. I'm feeling a made up stat coming on:
76% of mixed race people are hot.
Sofia Loren is wearing a Versace dress and a Lisa Rinna face.
So you're telling me that Patrick Dempsey was in "Made of Honor" and he gets 2nd row seats behind Streep?
Kate Winslet wins for "The Reader". Here's a fun fact: that movie was actually based on my nephew Toots McGee. It's about someone who takes a lot of baths and demands that people read to them.
Here's a question: Winslet wins the Academy Award for this movie, and yet the kid in it doesn't even get nominated? He played a 15 year old up to a law student, more than held his own, and I don't even think he's in the building tonight.
The five best actors are Anthony Hopkins, Adrien Brody, Robert Deniro, Michael Douglas, and Ben Kingsley. I guess you could say Adrien Brody is the Cuba of this list. It's kind of awkward when they talk directly to the nominees.
Line of the night from DeNiro: "How did he do it? How for so many years did Sean Penn get all those jobs playing straight men?"
Anti-line of the night from Anthony Hopkins: "Brad Pitt, the leading man we all know", also, "a brilliant actor". Obviously he hasn't seen "Interview with a Vampire".
Sean Penn wins. Damn right. The man is a genius. And Robin Wright is still fine. I don't know why she doesn't work more. While listening to Sean get political, I keep thinking about Maypo's biography and how Sean Penn and Tom Cruise were roommates and best buddies back in the day. So weird.
Best Picture. It has to be Slumdog.
And it is.
All right, we've celebrated the "haves", but now a moment for the "have nots". This video is so amazing on so many levels I had to post it. It gives us insight into so many things: Los Angeles, the casting process, the Batman franchise, Joel Schumaker, and most importantly, former "Real Worlder" Eric Nies.
The Oscars aren't the real Hollywood, this is the real Hollywood.
As it begins, there's a shot of Diane Lane with Josh Brolin. How was the video of Josh Brolin laughing and kissing Jeffrey Wright in the back of a police car not a bigger deal? Screw "Milk", that is one of the best things I've seen all year. Do yourselves a favor...
Sure enough, things start off with a musical number. And to make matters worse, Anne Hathaway.
The stage is kinda cool. It feels like there's only 20 people there or something. 21 if you count Philip Seymour Hoffman twice.
First up, best supporting actress...
Viola Davis "commanded every moment she was on screen". Yeah, she commanded the one moment she was on screen. She had one fricking scene in the whole movie. The snot scene.
Whoopi Goldberg backs up my made up statistic that "86 percent of tattooed breasts are African American".
Penelope Cruz wins. Dammit, that's the one movie I haven't seen this year. Oh, and "Frost/Nixon". I find it hard to believe that she's the best supporting anything. She can't speak the language. At one point in her speech she says "and now, I have to speak the Spanish", and I hadn't even realized she was speaking English.
Tina Fey and Steve Martin come out and are funny. Tina is skinnier than she's ever been in her whole life. The Milk guy wins, and gets political with some gay marriage talk. Next, adapted screenplay. If Eric Roth wins for copying his Forrest Gump screenplay I'm gonna be pissed. But it's gotta be Slumdog...
And it is. I guess it was the best movie I saw this year. Either that or "The Wrestler". No, fuck that, I'm lying. I think my favorite movie this year was "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". "Iron Man" was good too. The worst movie: Tie between "Indiana Jones" and "Don't Mess with the Zohan".
Jen Aniston comes out with Jack Black. She's stoked that Brad and Angelina are in the front row and practically in her lap. I wonder if she thought it was a practical joke when her agent sent her the script "He's Just Not That Into You".
An Asian guy wins for best animated short, and sets back Asian stereotypes 50 years.
Seth Rogen is the skinniest he has ever been in his whole life. I think Jonah Hill is eating all of his meals for him. On a side note, James Franco has never made me laugh. Ever. I don't think being friends with Judd Apatow should qualify you as a comedic actor. He's good at kissing dudes and being jealous of Spiderman though. Stick to that.
Oh no, another musical number. Beyonce joins in, and then Vanessa Hudgins and Zac Effron from "High School Musical". That Effron guy can't sing - someone else does his voice on those "High School Music" songs. I hate that I know that. At the end of it, Jackman proclaims "the musical is back!" Um, didn't you produce a musical TV show for CBS that was immediately canceled?
Has there been an Oscars that hasn't featured a tribute to Jack Palance doing pushups at the Oscars?
Past best supporting actor guys come out to give out the award. Alan Arkin calls Philip Seymour Hoffman: Seymour Philip Hoffman. In an even bigger gaffe, Cuba Gooding Jr. is there.
We all know who is going to win this one. But let me just say that Michael Shannon was the only good thing in "Revolutionary Road". He was great. But just as you can't fight city hall, you can't beat a dead guy.
"Man on Wire" wins Best Documentary. I've heard that's good. Not good: the man on wire's pants.
The visual effects guy from "Benjamin Button" thanks "Anson Williams". Potsie?
Will Smith's hair sponsored by Soul Glo. Slumdog keeps winning everything. It appears that a bunch of British white guys made that movie, and one exasperated Indian dude.
We have an Eddie Murphy sighting. That can only mean one thing: talking animals. Nope, he's presenting an award to Jerry Lewis for something...maybe for inventing the talking animal movie. Jerry Lewis once pulled a gun on my friend. True story. My buddy was interviewing him for E!'s True Hollywood Story, and Jerry goes, "hey kid, look what I keep in my desk drawer", and pulls out a gun. He's a crazy person.
Liam Neeson in the building. Do not take that dude's daughter. He comes out with Freida Pinto. Now, here's a question: is she going to get work in Hollywood? Will it have to be a part specifically about "a girl from India"? It will be interesting to see how that develops.
"Departures" from Japan wins Best Foreign Film. The guy from that movie sets back Asian stereotypes 100 years. Not a good night for the Asians. Somewhere, Clint Eastwood's character from Grand Torino is going, "see?"
The big winner tonight: broken english.
The only time I ever see Queen Latifah is at the Oscars. I don't know why this is. The Oscars are particularly kind to large, black women. She sings a song over the dead people montage. She's singing a song, which makes me mad. She's rapper. I wish she did "U-N-I-T-Y, who ya callin' a bitch!"
Reese presents Best Director. All signs point to Danny Boyle, and indeed it is. Interestingly, I have a friend named Danny Boyle. He is also a director. He's in the guild. Sometimes he gets the "real" Danny Boyle's mail. It has to be frustrating when a guy with your name and your job keeps getting awards and stuff and you have to keep hearing about it from your mailbox.
5 best actress winners come out. And from what I can tell, Anne Hathaway really likes Shirley Maclaine. Halle Berry is better looking than everyone. I'm feeling a made up stat coming on:
76% of mixed race people are hot.
Sofia Loren is wearing a Versace dress and a Lisa Rinna face.
So you're telling me that Patrick Dempsey was in "Made of Honor" and he gets 2nd row seats behind Streep?
Kate Winslet wins for "The Reader". Here's a fun fact: that movie was actually based on my nephew Toots McGee. It's about someone who takes a lot of baths and demands that people read to them.
Here's a question: Winslet wins the Academy Award for this movie, and yet the kid in it doesn't even get nominated? He played a 15 year old up to a law student, more than held his own, and I don't even think he's in the building tonight.
The five best actors are Anthony Hopkins, Adrien Brody, Robert Deniro, Michael Douglas, and Ben Kingsley. I guess you could say Adrien Brody is the Cuba of this list. It's kind of awkward when they talk directly to the nominees.
Line of the night from DeNiro: "How did he do it? How for so many years did Sean Penn get all those jobs playing straight men?"
Anti-line of the night from Anthony Hopkins: "Brad Pitt, the leading man we all know", also, "a brilliant actor". Obviously he hasn't seen "Interview with a Vampire".
Sean Penn wins. Damn right. The man is a genius. And Robin Wright is still fine. I don't know why she doesn't work more. While listening to Sean get political, I keep thinking about Maypo's biography and how Sean Penn and Tom Cruise were roommates and best buddies back in the day. So weird.
Best Picture. It has to be Slumdog.
And it is.
All right, we've celebrated the "haves", but now a moment for the "have nots". This video is so amazing on so many levels I had to post it. It gives us insight into so many things: Los Angeles, the casting process, the Batman franchise, Joel Schumaker, and most importantly, former "Real Worlder" Eric Nies.
The Oscars aren't the real Hollywood, this is the real Hollywood.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Made Up Stat of the Week
(Remember all stats are 100% made up and 100% accurate)
72% of Fergie is attractive
72% of Fergie is attractive
Monday, February 16, 2009
The Bachelor: Famous Fantasy Suite Episode
(WRITER'S NOTE: This is the first ever Bachelor recap written from the confines of a Snuggie)
Before we begin, let me tell you how this DeAnna thing is gonna work. I've studied the footage like it's the Zapruder film, and DeAnna's gonna come back on the last episode, and tell Jason she made a mistake in picking Jesse - she went for the "exciting" guy over the "boring, abandons his kid" guy, and will urge Jason not to make the same mistake. It has nothing to do with her coming back for him, she's just "advising" him, something akin to Tom Hayden in "The Godfather".
All right, fantasy dates in New Zealand. Jillian aka Jill aka Hot Dog Lady is up first. We are quickly reminded that this is "the most aeronautically filled Bachelor ever!" as Jason flies in a helicopter and picks her up. We see Jill and are immediately reminded that she's the "not so cute but spunky one". If describing her to your best buddy you would say, "well...she has a great personality".
Jason seems to be worried about "the passion" between them, and says Jill wants to marry her best friend. Jason says "I used to feel that way, but now I want more". Yeah, I think his last best friend fucked a better looking best friend and divorce ensued. Allegedly.
Later, they go to a winery and Jill changes into an unfortunate dress. I like to call it her "Yep, I've got a great personality" dress.
Jason thinks "spending the night with someone is a really important part of the relationship". And for some of us, it's the only part of the relationship. He's really worried about the passion with this girl...or so he says to us. What? All her talk about hot dogs isn't getting you in the mood? Personally, any mention of wieners gets me hot.
Jill calls for the fantasy suite card before Jason can even produce it. She says she wants to see if "we can connect physically". And "I knew if we spent the night together, it would be a long night. I just wanna make sure he can handle that. Handle all of this fire". Wow, she's an unexpected candidate for first girl ever to openly announce her intentions to rape a Bachelor. I really hope Ty is watching. That's your new mom, little buddy.
They get into the hot tub. She really loves this dude. She's putting it all out there, and I respect that. Then some Enrique Iglesias type music comes on - or maybe it's Rodrigo y Gabriela - and they start getting down, it's like if Robert Rodriquez made a porno. It's a very strange sequence.
Jason says "The hot tub is where it started. I saw a side of her I haven't seen before". Yeah you did.
The second date is with the Robo-ette, Molly. She's a lot easier on the eyes, unfortunately she's dead inside and came out of a factory in Flynt, Michigan. Their date is to go bungee jumping off a bridge. I hate how this show hints at the notion that you have to risk your life to be considered "fun" and "spontaneous". Fuck you. I'm fun and spontaneous and I'm in a snuggie, so suck it.
Next, they go to lunch and the Robot, er, the producers, have a long list of questions to ask Jason. It's very silly, she cannot be considered a serious possibility at this point. "Hi Molly, this is 3rd grade calling. Even we consider this embarrassing". For the record, Jason's dream car is a "mustang". That's right, ladies, this guy aspires to one day own a 20 thousand dollar car.
At dinner, Jason asks Molly a question that almost makes her artificial robotic brain explode. So much for A.I., folks, He goes, "you said New Zealand was your favorite place, why do you say that? You knew that just from landing here or what?" It's a very good question, and it makes her look really dumb. She stumbles around, saying something about, "well it's gorgeous!!!" And "I'm here in unusual and exciting circumstances...", and "i'll take away some good memories". Jason sarcastically goes, "Good answer", and pretends he wasn't being sarcastic.
Jason notes the gap between Molly's parents when they sat on the couch, and her sister and her husband when they sat down. This guy is tough. He says he wants to be closer than that. Jason really holds people's families against them. Molly explains that she's not from a "mushy gushy" type family. Yeah, she's from a "my parents hate black boyfriends" and "win at all costs on reality shows" type family.
I can't fully explain how odd the conversation is between them. I think Jason is trying to pin her down, and Molly is just trying to "win". Finally, he basically brow beats her into declaring "I'm falling in love with you". Jason takes this to mean that Molly has finally "let her guard down". What? So if she doesn't love you she's some kind of closed off, unemotional bitch? Some people just don't love you, dude. This guy needs people to be over top with their love cause his first wife and DeAnna tossed his ass aside.
FYI: Molly signs letters and most likey emails with "moll".
Moll says she "very much looks forward to sleeping next to Jason tonight". If you expect to compete with Jill, you better do more than sleep. She's going home for sure.
The third and final date is with Melissa. They go on Winston Churchill's boat. And I believe it was Churchill who once said, "It is not enough that we do our best, sometimes we have to get surgery to reduce our breasts". They go in yet another hot tub. I'm not a doctor, but I have to believe Jason is pruny at this point.
Jason pretends that not meeting her parents is a big deal. He should be giving them props for not being famewhores, but I guess a famewhore wouldn't think that was prop worthy. Then again, maybe it's good for Melissa that he didn't meet them. Who knows, maybe they wouldn't have held hands and he would've held it against her for life.
They go to dinner, more "what's up with your parents" talk, and then they move on to the fantasy suite. And guess what? Jason tortures another victim into an "I love you" confession. We need this guy at Gitmo. Fuck waterboarding, get Khalid Sheikh Mohammed into a fantasy suite with Jason for 30 minutes and it's game over.
By the way, how bummed is ABC that they had to pay for Chris Harrison to go to New Zealand? I bet they wish they had just gone with a no host/voice over guy format and pocketed the cash for a Cloris Leachman development deal.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
I know we've fallen into this trap before, but Molly HAS to be going home. Has to. There is no way she is staying. He's keeping Jill as a courtesy and picking Melissa in the end. There is no other outcome that I will accept.
MELISSA - all is right with the world.
MOLLY!!! - holy crap. This is confusing. Their date together was the most awkward thing, I couldn't even properly recap it because it was so retarded.
How pissed is Jillian? She claimed he wouldn't be able to handle her "heat"! This once again proves my theory: girls that talk about how great they are in the sack...are terrible in the sack. Girls overcompensate with that shit. Guarantee you that Jill fooled around down there for a couple of awkward minutes and then apologized. All she knows how to do is put mustard on it. Unfortunately...literally.
Jason and Jill have their final talk. Jason reasserts his "friendship" thing. There wasn't more than that to him. Funny, he wasn't saying that in the hot tub on the Mexican porn shoot.
Jill says when he's 90, he's gonna want a best friend and regret it. Yeah, when he's 90. But before that he's gonna have the time of his life banging Melissa. He can get a best friend in the meantime.
Still, this is odd. But I think Jason is the type of person who values looks a little bit more than he would like us to think. She wasn't revving the engines, as they say. Jill cries in the car. Jason cries on a bench.
It's kinda rude not to give the girls a hint, isn't it? You're in the hot tub, making out...why not say, "hey, let's just have fun tonight, okay?" Throw her a bone, and then throw her a bone.
Next week: "The Women Tell All", which I won't be recapping. Until the finale in 2 weeks...
Snuggie out
Before we begin, let me tell you how this DeAnna thing is gonna work. I've studied the footage like it's the Zapruder film, and DeAnna's gonna come back on the last episode, and tell Jason she made a mistake in picking Jesse - she went for the "exciting" guy over the "boring, abandons his kid" guy, and will urge Jason not to make the same mistake. It has nothing to do with her coming back for him, she's just "advising" him, something akin to Tom Hayden in "The Godfather".
All right, fantasy dates in New Zealand. Jillian aka Jill aka Hot Dog Lady is up first. We are quickly reminded that this is "the most aeronautically filled Bachelor ever!" as Jason flies in a helicopter and picks her up. We see Jill and are immediately reminded that she's the "not so cute but spunky one". If describing her to your best buddy you would say, "well...she has a great personality".
Jason seems to be worried about "the passion" between them, and says Jill wants to marry her best friend. Jason says "I used to feel that way, but now I want more". Yeah, I think his last best friend fucked a better looking best friend and divorce ensued. Allegedly.
Later, they go to a winery and Jill changes into an unfortunate dress. I like to call it her "Yep, I've got a great personality" dress.
Jason thinks "spending the night with someone is a really important part of the relationship". And for some of us, it's the only part of the relationship. He's really worried about the passion with this girl...or so he says to us. What? All her talk about hot dogs isn't getting you in the mood? Personally, any mention of wieners gets me hot.
Jill calls for the fantasy suite card before Jason can even produce it. She says she wants to see if "we can connect physically". And "I knew if we spent the night together, it would be a long night. I just wanna make sure he can handle that. Handle all of this fire". Wow, she's an unexpected candidate for first girl ever to openly announce her intentions to rape a Bachelor. I really hope Ty is watching. That's your new mom, little buddy.
They get into the hot tub. She really loves this dude. She's putting it all out there, and I respect that. Then some Enrique Iglesias type music comes on - or maybe it's Rodrigo y Gabriela - and they start getting down, it's like if Robert Rodriquez made a porno. It's a very strange sequence.
Jason says "The hot tub is where it started. I saw a side of her I haven't seen before". Yeah you did.
The second date is with the Robo-ette, Molly. She's a lot easier on the eyes, unfortunately she's dead inside and came out of a factory in Flynt, Michigan. Their date is to go bungee jumping off a bridge. I hate how this show hints at the notion that you have to risk your life to be considered "fun" and "spontaneous". Fuck you. I'm fun and spontaneous and I'm in a snuggie, so suck it.
Next, they go to lunch and the Robot, er, the producers, have a long list of questions to ask Jason. It's very silly, she cannot be considered a serious possibility at this point. "Hi Molly, this is 3rd grade calling. Even we consider this embarrassing". For the record, Jason's dream car is a "mustang". That's right, ladies, this guy aspires to one day own a 20 thousand dollar car.
At dinner, Jason asks Molly a question that almost makes her artificial robotic brain explode. So much for A.I., folks, He goes, "you said New Zealand was your favorite place, why do you say that? You knew that just from landing here or what?" It's a very good question, and it makes her look really dumb. She stumbles around, saying something about, "well it's gorgeous!!!" And "I'm here in unusual and exciting circumstances...", and "i'll take away some good memories". Jason sarcastically goes, "Good answer", and pretends he wasn't being sarcastic.
Jason notes the gap between Molly's parents when they sat on the couch, and her sister and her husband when they sat down. This guy is tough. He says he wants to be closer than that. Jason really holds people's families against them. Molly explains that she's not from a "mushy gushy" type family. Yeah, she's from a "my parents hate black boyfriends" and "win at all costs on reality shows" type family.
I can't fully explain how odd the conversation is between them. I think Jason is trying to pin her down, and Molly is just trying to "win". Finally, he basically brow beats her into declaring "I'm falling in love with you". Jason takes this to mean that Molly has finally "let her guard down". What? So if she doesn't love you she's some kind of closed off, unemotional bitch? Some people just don't love you, dude. This guy needs people to be over top with their love cause his first wife and DeAnna tossed his ass aside.
FYI: Molly signs letters and most likey emails with "moll".
Moll says she "very much looks forward to sleeping next to Jason tonight". If you expect to compete with Jill, you better do more than sleep. She's going home for sure.
The third and final date is with Melissa. They go on Winston Churchill's boat. And I believe it was Churchill who once said, "It is not enough that we do our best, sometimes we have to get surgery to reduce our breasts". They go in yet another hot tub. I'm not a doctor, but I have to believe Jason is pruny at this point.
Jason pretends that not meeting her parents is a big deal. He should be giving them props for not being famewhores, but I guess a famewhore wouldn't think that was prop worthy. Then again, maybe it's good for Melissa that he didn't meet them. Who knows, maybe they wouldn't have held hands and he would've held it against her for life.
They go to dinner, more "what's up with your parents" talk, and then they move on to the fantasy suite. And guess what? Jason tortures another victim into an "I love you" confession. We need this guy at Gitmo. Fuck waterboarding, get Khalid Sheikh Mohammed into a fantasy suite with Jason for 30 minutes and it's game over.
By the way, how bummed is ABC that they had to pay for Chris Harrison to go to New Zealand? I bet they wish they had just gone with a no host/voice over guy format and pocketed the cash for a Cloris Leachman development deal.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
I know we've fallen into this trap before, but Molly HAS to be going home. Has to. There is no way she is staying. He's keeping Jill as a courtesy and picking Melissa in the end. There is no other outcome that I will accept.
MELISSA - all is right with the world.
MOLLY!!! - holy crap. This is confusing. Their date together was the most awkward thing, I couldn't even properly recap it because it was so retarded.
How pissed is Jillian? She claimed he wouldn't be able to handle her "heat"! This once again proves my theory: girls that talk about how great they are in the sack...are terrible in the sack. Girls overcompensate with that shit. Guarantee you that Jill fooled around down there for a couple of awkward minutes and then apologized. All she knows how to do is put mustard on it. Unfortunately...literally.
Jason and Jill have their final talk. Jason reasserts his "friendship" thing. There wasn't more than that to him. Funny, he wasn't saying that in the hot tub on the Mexican porn shoot.
Jill says when he's 90, he's gonna want a best friend and regret it. Yeah, when he's 90. But before that he's gonna have the time of his life banging Melissa. He can get a best friend in the meantime.
Still, this is odd. But I think Jason is the type of person who values looks a little bit more than he would like us to think. She wasn't revving the engines, as they say. Jill cries in the car. Jason cries on a bench.
It's kinda rude not to give the girls a hint, isn't it? You're in the hot tub, making out...why not say, "hey, let's just have fun tonight, okay?" Throw her a bone, and then throw her a bone.
Next week: "The Women Tell All", which I won't be recapping. Until the finale in 2 weeks...
Snuggie out
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
New Feature: Made Up Stat of the Week
I did this before, but I'm going to try and make it a weekly feature. It's a statistic that I've made up, but is probably true. So without further ado, here is your made up stat of the week:
2 out of 10 shout outs are to "Ray Ray"
10 out of 10 comedy shout outs are to "Ray Ray"
2 out of 10 shout outs are to "Ray Ray"
10 out of 10 comedy shout outs are to "Ray Ray"
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Monday, February 09, 2009
The Bachelor Hometown Visits
Sorry, I don't mean this to be just a "Bachelor" blog, but there has been some shit going down, which I will be writing about in the coming days. Also, I have a couple of things in the hopper to write about so you Bachelor haters can relax.
A couple of fun facts before we begin: 1) Interesting to note that Jason is Jewish, as is (frontrunner) Melissa. This has not been brought up on the show, yet was a major element of "Momma's Boys". It's basically all they talked about. But on this show it is seemingly taboo. Is it a factor for him? It is for me, I don't like Jewish girls...except for Mila Kunis. But my love for her is enough for all other Jews.
2) This might be a spoiler...but we haven't seen DeAnna yet, and they heavily teased that she was going to be somewhat of a factor. However, she is supposedly dating Ace from the Real World, so there you go.
First up, Jason goes to Canada to visit Jillian and her family. Know what I like about Canada? Nothing. Oh, Martin Short sometimes. And Michael J. Fox all the time. He seems to really like this girl, I don't get it. Maybe it's her food comedy that has poisoned me against her.
Jillian tells him of her mom's depression. Uh oh. Remember how bummed he got when Average Eva told the story about how her mom ditched her dad? He basically assumed Average Eva would do the exact same thing to him. Unlike that, some depression can run in the family, but it's not gonna be politically correct of him to mention it. Meanwhile, everyone knows that the ditching your spouse gene skips a generation.
So Jason meets the depressed lady and everyone else, and guess what they immediately bring up? No, not Prozac - Jillian's famous hot dog theory! Oh boy. I really don't get it.
Jillian's sister is hotter than her.
Jillian's mom asks Jason: "you have your BA in psychology, right?" He goes "yes", and then she says "that'll be good to have in the family". Uh, yeah. RUN, JASON!!!
Mom mentions her struggles with depression. I don't know what your family is like, but I don't think me nor my mother nor anyone else I know would be comfortable talking about that on a damn reality show. Isn't that a little crazy? Well crazy, look who I'm talking about.
The women in Jillian's family have what doctors call "a little bit of a weight problem". Food jokes come from somewhere, people.
Date number 2 is in Grand Rapids, Michigan with Robo-ette, Molly. She tells us once again that she will "never ever again go out with a guy her parents don't like". That's a great way to live. You're 24! Live, dammit! She says how she was with her last boyfriend for 4 years and she could never bring him home because her parents hated him. That's Michigan code for...black guy.
I don't wanna get crazy, but they go golfing and sometimes Molly is flat out hot. Yes, an evil, subordinate, man pleasing robot, but hot.
"Molly is very quiet about her personal life, especially her romantic life"...you see what I'm saying here?
Molly's sister and husband come over. They look like they're 12 years old. That's because I'm 50. Jason looks down at her belly and says "congratulations". This reminds me of my favorite interview question that I made up: "excuse me miss: pregnant or unfortunate question?"
Molly's dad says he's not surprised by where she's at. Why? "Because you're a winner". He's like Vincent Price in Edward Scissorhands.
Third visit is with Average Eva in Lake Elsinore, Ca. All I know about that place is that the Padres have a minor league team there. Apparently they also have a girl who looks strikingly similar to an average version of Eva Mendes.
Average Eva puts on the full court press about "being here for the right reasons". Jason doesn't believe her for some reason. This is never really explained, she doesn't seem to be doing anything different than anyone else - why is he singling her out about this? Molly is 24 and a robot and has never dated a white guy, er, guy she would bring home to her parents - be concerned about her. It just seems like he's making up stuff about Average Eva to complain about because, oh know I didn't - he's just not that into her.
Jason meets her family and they hula hoop for some reason. Stupid. But, we discover that Average Eva's mom has held her shit together! This is good for the future, my friend. Unfortunately, she is bat shit crazy. Hey, no one can have it all. You're not gonna be having sex with Jillian's personality.
Average Eva's mom killed a dove and they bury it and give a eulogy and it's very insane. Average Eva is not helping herself here. Hector - her dad - is all skeptical about Jason, and starts talking about Jesus and religion. Turns out dude is divorced. Fuck you! That's why no one likes you, damn hypocrite. He basically asks Jason if he has any experience in the Catholic area, and Jason just says "I don't". He's a Jew, Bob.
I hate Hector. That would be a deal breaker even for me, and I don't care about (other people's) parents.
Could Average Eva's family be as crazy as their making them look? I'm talking past lives and shit. This isn't good. Hector says "being raised..Judeo Christian". What? Judeo Christian? That's not a religion. Fuck Hector.
And finally, we go to Dallas, Texas to meet Melissa's family. Or not. Melissa breaks the news to Jason that he'll be meeting her friends and not her family. Her parents are "not comfortable with the publicness". Thank you! Finally, a normal family. I would be happy. You shouldn't want to be on TV and burying dead birds and making up religions. That's not normal behavior.
Melissa's a chronic "dumpee" who has been "used and abused". Her friends are "tired of having a fifth wheel around". Oh my God, her and Jason are soul mates!
Very strange: none of Melissa's friends have met her parents. Oh, except one time in COLLEGE. They've been friends that long and never met the parents? Okay, this might be a little strange. The bird eulogy is looking up.
Melissa has serious self esteem issues and some crazy shit happened in her past, I guarantee you. I've gone out with too many nuts in my day. This is the kind of girl that will randomly demand that you punch her in the face.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
We can only assume that Average Eva is going home, and I blame Hector.
MOLLY - I get rose, I kiss Bachelor, I win contest.
JILLIAN - remember her mom and her grandma? I hope you like them, because that's your future, Jason.
well, bye bye Average Eva...
MELISSA - punch me! punch me!
So sad to see Average Eva get the boot, but that family was just too bananas. Plus, he was never really feeling her anyway. But Jason says, "it's not about your family, your family's amazing. I don't want you to think that. I loved your family". Translation: I hated your family. Damn you, Hector, damn you to hell!
Next week: more plane and helicopter flights...in New Zealand.
And later this season...blinky is back! Evidently, DeAnna shows up in New Zealand and blinks a lot.
A couple of fun facts before we begin: 1) Interesting to note that Jason is Jewish, as is (frontrunner) Melissa. This has not been brought up on the show, yet was a major element of "Momma's Boys". It's basically all they talked about. But on this show it is seemingly taboo. Is it a factor for him? It is for me, I don't like Jewish girls...except for Mila Kunis. But my love for her is enough for all other Jews.
2) This might be a spoiler...but we haven't seen DeAnna yet, and they heavily teased that she was going to be somewhat of a factor. However, she is supposedly dating Ace from the Real World, so there you go.
First up, Jason goes to Canada to visit Jillian and her family. Know what I like about Canada? Nothing. Oh, Martin Short sometimes. And Michael J. Fox all the time. He seems to really like this girl, I don't get it. Maybe it's her food comedy that has poisoned me against her.
Jillian tells him of her mom's depression. Uh oh. Remember how bummed he got when Average Eva told the story about how her mom ditched her dad? He basically assumed Average Eva would do the exact same thing to him. Unlike that, some depression can run in the family, but it's not gonna be politically correct of him to mention it. Meanwhile, everyone knows that the ditching your spouse gene skips a generation.
So Jason meets the depressed lady and everyone else, and guess what they immediately bring up? No, not Prozac - Jillian's famous hot dog theory! Oh boy. I really don't get it.
Jillian's sister is hotter than her.
Jillian's mom asks Jason: "you have your BA in psychology, right?" He goes "yes", and then she says "that'll be good to have in the family". Uh, yeah. RUN, JASON!!!
Mom mentions her struggles with depression. I don't know what your family is like, but I don't think me nor my mother nor anyone else I know would be comfortable talking about that on a damn reality show. Isn't that a little crazy? Well crazy, look who I'm talking about.
The women in Jillian's family have what doctors call "a little bit of a weight problem". Food jokes come from somewhere, people.
Date number 2 is in Grand Rapids, Michigan with Robo-ette, Molly. She tells us once again that she will "never ever again go out with a guy her parents don't like". That's a great way to live. You're 24! Live, dammit! She says how she was with her last boyfriend for 4 years and she could never bring him home because her parents hated him. That's Michigan code for...black guy.
I don't wanna get crazy, but they go golfing and sometimes Molly is flat out hot. Yes, an evil, subordinate, man pleasing robot, but hot.
"Molly is very quiet about her personal life, especially her romantic life"...you see what I'm saying here?
Molly's sister and husband come over. They look like they're 12 years old. That's because I'm 50. Jason looks down at her belly and says "congratulations". This reminds me of my favorite interview question that I made up: "excuse me miss: pregnant or unfortunate question?"
Molly's dad says he's not surprised by where she's at. Why? "Because you're a winner". He's like Vincent Price in Edward Scissorhands.
Third visit is with Average Eva in Lake Elsinore, Ca. All I know about that place is that the Padres have a minor league team there. Apparently they also have a girl who looks strikingly similar to an average version of Eva Mendes.
Average Eva puts on the full court press about "being here for the right reasons". Jason doesn't believe her for some reason. This is never really explained, she doesn't seem to be doing anything different than anyone else - why is he singling her out about this? Molly is 24 and a robot and has never dated a white guy, er, guy she would bring home to her parents - be concerned about her. It just seems like he's making up stuff about Average Eva to complain about because, oh know I didn't - he's just not that into her.
Jason meets her family and they hula hoop for some reason. Stupid. But, we discover that Average Eva's mom has held her shit together! This is good for the future, my friend. Unfortunately, she is bat shit crazy. Hey, no one can have it all. You're not gonna be having sex with Jillian's personality.
Average Eva's mom killed a dove and they bury it and give a eulogy and it's very insane. Average Eva is not helping herself here. Hector - her dad - is all skeptical about Jason, and starts talking about Jesus and religion. Turns out dude is divorced. Fuck you! That's why no one likes you, damn hypocrite. He basically asks Jason if he has any experience in the Catholic area, and Jason just says "I don't". He's a Jew, Bob.
I hate Hector. That would be a deal breaker even for me, and I don't care about (other people's) parents.
Could Average Eva's family be as crazy as their making them look? I'm talking past lives and shit. This isn't good. Hector says "being raised..Judeo Christian". What? Judeo Christian? That's not a religion. Fuck Hector.
And finally, we go to Dallas, Texas to meet Melissa's family. Or not. Melissa breaks the news to Jason that he'll be meeting her friends and not her family. Her parents are "not comfortable with the publicness". Thank you! Finally, a normal family. I would be happy. You shouldn't want to be on TV and burying dead birds and making up religions. That's not normal behavior.
Melissa's a chronic "dumpee" who has been "used and abused". Her friends are "tired of having a fifth wheel around". Oh my God, her and Jason are soul mates!
Very strange: none of Melissa's friends have met her parents. Oh, except one time in COLLEGE. They've been friends that long and never met the parents? Okay, this might be a little strange. The bird eulogy is looking up.
Melissa has serious self esteem issues and some crazy shit happened in her past, I guarantee you. I've gone out with too many nuts in my day. This is the kind of girl that will randomly demand that you punch her in the face.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
We can only assume that Average Eva is going home, and I blame Hector.
MOLLY - I get rose, I kiss Bachelor, I win contest.
JILLIAN - remember her mom and her grandma? I hope you like them, because that's your future, Jason.
well, bye bye Average Eva...
MELISSA - punch me! punch me!
So sad to see Average Eva get the boot, but that family was just too bananas. Plus, he was never really feeling her anyway. But Jason says, "it's not about your family, your family's amazing. I don't want you to think that. I loved your family". Translation: I hated your family. Damn you, Hector, damn you to hell!
Next week: more plane and helicopter flights...in New Zealand.
And later this season...blinky is back! Evidently, DeAnna shows up in New Zealand and blinks a lot.
Monday, February 02, 2009
The Bachelor: Episode 5. The Girls (Ladies) Go to Seattle
Before we get started, I'd like to remind everyone that on the first episode we were teased that DeAnna would be coming back and there would be tons of drama over it. That has not happened thus far, and doesn't look to happen this episode. Was it bullshit? A reality show misleading people? It can't be true.
Chris tells them they are going to Seattle. They are extremely excited. It's very rainy there, ladies, very gloomy. It's the suicide capital of the world. Uh oh, we have a Ty sighting. He's with Jason's sister in law. Or as Ty calls her, my new daddy.
Melissa gets the one on one date. Then, the saddest thing ever happens. For some reason, Jason is getting ready for his date with Ty in the room - I thought he'd just leave him on a street corner like usual. So Ty starts freaking out that Jason is going to leave him (yet again). And Jason says the stupidest thing in the world: "I don't think Ty understands what is going on". I don't understand what's going on and I'm not 4! Insanity.
So Jason calls Melissa and says he can't go out for a night on the town, would she mind coming over for more of a chill night? Does she hate large boobs? The answer to both of those questions is yes.
Melissa goes over and waits in the living room while Jason puts Ty to bed. Inexplicably, Ty can't fall asleep. He announces this to the bright lights and camera crew in his tiny bedroom.
Later, Jason and Melissa make out a little...and what's that peaking out above Melissa's shorts? Why it's a good ol' fashioned tramp stamp.
Group date: Molly, Jillian, and creepy Stephanie. Someone commented last week that they thought Jillian was a final 2 candidate. I don't see it. She is really not cute. She has friend zone written all over her. Then again, so does Jason, so maybe they're perfect for each other. If she also has an abandoned child, it's soulmate time.
Jason goes "Stephanie and I's relationship is different from the rest of the girls for a lot of reasons. First of all..." and then I reflexively spit out "cause she's old". She is a very frightening looking lady.
They go to a radio station and Jason gets interviewed and the girls aren't allowed to listen, but they can watch. He says the best date was with creepy Stephanie because he surprised her with her daughter. The only drawback to that date was that Stephanie was there.
Jason is asked which one is the best kisser and he says Molly. Then they blindfold him and each girl kisses him and he has to recognize which one is which. First of all, you know Stephanie has some kind of really strong, gross perfume. You can tell just by looking at her. And there is no second of all.
Jillian says she likes sex to "start off with giggling". Unfortunately, sex with me often starts with giggling when my undies are removed.
The girls are asked about sex, and creepy Stephanie says something really creepy. She talks about kissing him all over and loving on him, and there's a funny cut away to Melissa and Average Eva listening to the radio show at their hotel and being completely creeped out. They were making the same exact face I was. You know everyone in the house is like "what the hell is she still doing here?" She is the opposite of the "she's not here for the right reasons girl". She is the "she's totally here for the right reasons...good luck with that, old lady!"
Oh Lord, Jillian and Jason have some alone time and they totally bond and now I'm looking like an idiot. Jason, remember the pre-sex giggling.
Molly says she will never, ever get involved with someone her family doesn't approve of. Well that's kinda lame. Be your own person. She says she'll be kissing Jason "the rest of her life". Um, your parents haven't signed your permission slip yet.
Jason and Average Eva have a one on one. He calls her a "free spirit". I think we all know what that's code for...Mexican. No. Actually, freak in the sheets.
Jeez, here we go with the air travel theme again. They take off in an airplane from water. Oh, hell no. The only time I'd be okay with an airplane on water is if Sully is behind the wheel. And even then only in an emergency.
Then they climb a rock wall, which Average Eva calls the "best date ever". She needs to get out more. Let me be clear, Average Eva is sexy. I would easily go for her over everyone else left. And if I wasn't a lazy typer, her nickname would be "Above Average Eva". However, she does have somewhat of a bottom lip/chin issue. It's something I've been noticing a lot lately, especially because Michelle Obama has it too.
A weird conversation takes place. Jason asks about her family. She says that her mom fell out of love with her dad and split. Then she says she feels like she is a lot like her mom. Jason then says he's scared because what if Average Eva does the same thing to him that her mom did to her dad. That's quite a leap, bud. That's actually quite a crazy leap. Maybe she should be afraid because you're divorced. Not your dad. You are divorced.
Jason pays all the girls a visit. He takes Jillian out to make sure that she's desperately in love with him because he "can't have his heart broken again". Lame. Let me make sure everyone loves me before I stomp all of their hearts out except for the one I choose.
By the way, I did some digging and found a picture of this supposed devil woman Jason was married to. This is her:
Oh no, she kinda looks like...Jillian.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Chris says that only one of them is getting eliminated. It's gotta be Stephanie, right?
Whoa, before he gives out roses he wants to talk to some of them. This guy is breaking all the rules...after being told to break the rules by the producers.
He pulls aside Average Eva. He asks her if she's ready for his life. Dude, really? Yes, she's ready to pawn that kid off to that sister in law and go on rock climbing dates. She says all the right things, that is if you consider the right things to be a demonizing of the "single life". They talk about being single like it's having leprosy.
All right, roses...
JILLIAN - I'll admit to being wrong.
MELISSA - they are the favorites. And I'm speaking of her boobs.
MOLLY - Is it me or does she seem like some kind of bachelorette robot? She looks and acts like 20 other girls we've seen on the show before.
If this motherfucker takes Stephanie over Average Eva, I'm threatening a boycott that I'll never do.
AVERAGE EVA! - there is still some sanity left in the world.
Jason makes a speech about Stephanie in front of everyone, and starts to break down. He calls her "the most amazing person I've ever met". So amazing. he has no desire to meet her family. He also says that they are all better for having met her. Isn't it funny how you never want to have sex with people like that?
The tease for next week includes a lot of things, but does not include DeAnna.
Chris tells them they are going to Seattle. They are extremely excited. It's very rainy there, ladies, very gloomy. It's the suicide capital of the world. Uh oh, we have a Ty sighting. He's with Jason's sister in law. Or as Ty calls her, my new daddy.
Melissa gets the one on one date. Then, the saddest thing ever happens. For some reason, Jason is getting ready for his date with Ty in the room - I thought he'd just leave him on a street corner like usual. So Ty starts freaking out that Jason is going to leave him (yet again). And Jason says the stupidest thing in the world: "I don't think Ty understands what is going on". I don't understand what's going on and I'm not 4! Insanity.
So Jason calls Melissa and says he can't go out for a night on the town, would she mind coming over for more of a chill night? Does she hate large boobs? The answer to both of those questions is yes.
Melissa goes over and waits in the living room while Jason puts Ty to bed. Inexplicably, Ty can't fall asleep. He announces this to the bright lights and camera crew in his tiny bedroom.
Later, Jason and Melissa make out a little...and what's that peaking out above Melissa's shorts? Why it's a good ol' fashioned tramp stamp.
Group date: Molly, Jillian, and creepy Stephanie. Someone commented last week that they thought Jillian was a final 2 candidate. I don't see it. She is really not cute. She has friend zone written all over her. Then again, so does Jason, so maybe they're perfect for each other. If she also has an abandoned child, it's soulmate time.
Jason goes "Stephanie and I's relationship is different from the rest of the girls for a lot of reasons. First of all..." and then I reflexively spit out "cause she's old". She is a very frightening looking lady.
They go to a radio station and Jason gets interviewed and the girls aren't allowed to listen, but they can watch. He says the best date was with creepy Stephanie because he surprised her with her daughter. The only drawback to that date was that Stephanie was there.
Jason is asked which one is the best kisser and he says Molly. Then they blindfold him and each girl kisses him and he has to recognize which one is which. First of all, you know Stephanie has some kind of really strong, gross perfume. You can tell just by looking at her. And there is no second of all.
Jillian says she likes sex to "start off with giggling". Unfortunately, sex with me often starts with giggling when my undies are removed.
The girls are asked about sex, and creepy Stephanie says something really creepy. She talks about kissing him all over and loving on him, and there's a funny cut away to Melissa and Average Eva listening to the radio show at their hotel and being completely creeped out. They were making the same exact face I was. You know everyone in the house is like "what the hell is she still doing here?" She is the opposite of the "she's not here for the right reasons girl". She is the "she's totally here for the right reasons...good luck with that, old lady!"
Oh Lord, Jillian and Jason have some alone time and they totally bond and now I'm looking like an idiot. Jason, remember the pre-sex giggling.
Molly says she will never, ever get involved with someone her family doesn't approve of. Well that's kinda lame. Be your own person. She says she'll be kissing Jason "the rest of her life". Um, your parents haven't signed your permission slip yet.
Jason and Average Eva have a one on one. He calls her a "free spirit". I think we all know what that's code for...Mexican. No. Actually, freak in the sheets.
Jeez, here we go with the air travel theme again. They take off in an airplane from water. Oh, hell no. The only time I'd be okay with an airplane on water is if Sully is behind the wheel. And even then only in an emergency.
Then they climb a rock wall, which Average Eva calls the "best date ever". She needs to get out more. Let me be clear, Average Eva is sexy. I would easily go for her over everyone else left. And if I wasn't a lazy typer, her nickname would be "Above Average Eva". However, she does have somewhat of a bottom lip/chin issue. It's something I've been noticing a lot lately, especially because Michelle Obama has it too.
A weird conversation takes place. Jason asks about her family. She says that her mom fell out of love with her dad and split. Then she says she feels like she is a lot like her mom. Jason then says he's scared because what if Average Eva does the same thing to him that her mom did to her dad. That's quite a leap, bud. That's actually quite a crazy leap. Maybe she should be afraid because you're divorced. Not your dad. You are divorced.
Jason pays all the girls a visit. He takes Jillian out to make sure that she's desperately in love with him because he "can't have his heart broken again". Lame. Let me make sure everyone loves me before I stomp all of their hearts out except for the one I choose.
By the way, I did some digging and found a picture of this supposed devil woman Jason was married to. This is her:
Oh no, she kinda looks like...Jillian.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Chris says that only one of them is getting eliminated. It's gotta be Stephanie, right?
Whoa, before he gives out roses he wants to talk to some of them. This guy is breaking all the rules...after being told to break the rules by the producers.
He pulls aside Average Eva. He asks her if she's ready for his life. Dude, really? Yes, she's ready to pawn that kid off to that sister in law and go on rock climbing dates. She says all the right things, that is if you consider the right things to be a demonizing of the "single life". They talk about being single like it's having leprosy.
All right, roses...
JILLIAN - I'll admit to being wrong.
MELISSA - they are the favorites. And I'm speaking of her boobs.
MOLLY - Is it me or does she seem like some kind of bachelorette robot? She looks and acts like 20 other girls we've seen on the show before.
If this motherfucker takes Stephanie over Average Eva, I'm threatening a boycott that I'll never do.
AVERAGE EVA! - there is still some sanity left in the world.
Jason makes a speech about Stephanie in front of everyone, and starts to break down. He calls her "the most amazing person I've ever met". So amazing. he has no desire to meet her family. He also says that they are all better for having met her. Isn't it funny how you never want to have sex with people like that?
The tease for next week includes a lot of things, but does not include DeAnna.
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