Getting Fired (again)

This story is only funny because I have another job. 

I got a job writing on a show that was just starting up. It got a 4 episode order. The star of the show - BOB - is also the head writer, and he's done this character for the last 30 years. Versions of it have been on various networks, and for some reason the powers that be decided to bring it back, even though he's pretty old at this point. Throughout it's various incarnations, Bob's always written it with 2 of his buddies - and all of them are in their 60's now.

But now that it was coming back and supposed to be younger and hipper, Bob was talked in to hiring 2 new guys to add some "fresh ideas" to the mix. That's where I come in. I met with him and he liked me, and very begrudgingly he hired me. But keep in mind, it was really against his will. He did not want anyone new, he just wanted to do it with his friends like he always has. So me and the other writer he was forced to hire had a strike against us before we even started.

The writing process was supposed to last 10 weeks.

I go in the first day and I'm put in a very small, windowless office with the other "new" writer - let's call him, THE DOUCHE. He is an older guy, with some pretty good credits, and some pretty terrible hair plugs. Because we share this office and are the two new guys, we are sort of linked - even though this is the first time we'd ever met. That was entirely unfair, but that's just how it was.

The way Bob liked to work is that he would sit in his office, with all of us in there, and just talk. He would throw out ideas, tell stories, and dominate the conversation. Our job, as it seemed to me, was to sneak in ideas, help him get to where he was going, add jokes, but also stay out of his way.

In fact, when I initially met Bob (we had a breakfast meeting), I pitched him an idea. He then proceeded to lecture me for 10 minutes on why he would never do an idea like that. By the time I showed up for the first day of work, my idea was incorporated into the show and it was now "his".

I've worked with people like this before and once you figure out the rhythm of it, it's good. What you absolutely cannot do is be the star. You can't dominate, you have to let him control things. That way, when you slip in ideas, the star thinks everything is his. He maintains ownership and his ego is intact. All you have to do is not be disruptive.

Well, The Douche didn't understand that. He thought this was a partnership. He thought it was a democracy. He couldn't let the star do his thing, he was intent on putting his imprint on the show. He was also bat shit crazy. And on Thursday of that first week, The Douche proceeded to have the worst day in a writer's room that I have ever seen.

Bob wanted to do a "the joke of the week" every show where he would very theatrically tell an old, classic joke. He came in to our office on Wednesday and told us one he wanted to use. It started off "a guy is at a party and he pukes all over himself. He says, what am I gonna tell my wife, I promised her I wasn't going to drink..."

Well on Thursday morning, The Douche pipes up, "hey, I've got a great joke for joke of the week". We go, let's hear it. He says, "a guy is at a party and he pukes all over himself..." All of us (me, Bob, his 2 old friends) are just looking at the guy like he has lost his mind. The Douche goes through the whole joke, we assume he has some twist on it or something. He can't possibly just be ripping the star off right to his face. But no, he tells the joke the same exact way as if he'd just thought of it.

Bob loses his mind. "I said that joke yesterday!!!" It was just bizarre. But we continue on.

Later, Bob has an idea and he's talking it out, when all of the sudden The Douche takes out his blackberry and shoves it in Bob's face "Look at the email I just got!" Bob is taken aback. He takes the blackberry and reads the email, it's from the Writer's Guild and completely innocuous and meaningless to what we are doing. But it totally disrupts everything. Bob is thrown off track and completely pissed.

After some terrible pitches from The Douche that are completely not in line with the show, we finally get near the end of the day. Now, this was a "soft" room. In other words, the three old guys do not work blue. They don't swear, none of the jokes are hard or edgy at all. It was very PG in there.

Bob tells a story about how he had a gun pulled on him one time, and he asks if that's ever happened to any of us. The Douche says it has. And he proceeds to tell us the story. This is what he said:

"I was out one night and I got completely drunk, and then I started driving home. But I had to piss really bad, so I pulled over and got out and pissed near the sidewalk. Suddenly, a hooker comes out of nowhere, and she's like, running from the police or something and she jumps in my car.

I was drunk, so I didn't really care. I get back in and I'm driving and she's blowing me.

(stunned silence in the room)

I was driving her back to her place, which was in a really bad part of town. So she's blowing me, but then she stops and picks her head up and says "this is gonna be 50 bucks". Well, I only had 50 bucks, and at that point in my life it was all the money I had to my name.

I say, no, I'm not giving you 50 bucks. She says, you will if you want me to keep blowing you.

So I take my hand and jerk myself off really quick and come.

At this point in the story, Bob interrupts. He's completely flabbergasted. But he goes, "you jerked yourself off?" The Douche goes, "yeah. So I wouldn't have to pay her!" And Bob says, "where did you come?" The Douche replies, "I don't know. All over my hands".

But he's not done...

So I'm all satisfied and I look at her and I say, guess it doesn't matter now. And this whore reaches into her purse and pulls out a gun. She pulled a gun on me! She says give me the 50 bucks, so I do. And she gets out of the car.

I start driving off, but in my drunken mind I start getting pissed. I think "I can't let this bitch steal my money!" So I turn the car around and I decide that I'm going to run this whore down.

(he said that, "run this whore down")

I point the car at her and I start driving, and I'm just gonna take her out. But she pulls the gun out and aims at the car. And at the last second I swerve away and drive off. But I swear, I was gonna kill her."

The next day we were not allowed in Bob's office. He told us to stay in our office and come up with ideas while he and his friends came up with their own. On Sunday I got the call...he didn't want either of us to come back. It was over.

My new job lasted a week.

She Bangs

So you're a struggling actress, a few years ago the best you could do was appear for 2 seconds on "The Chappelle Show". Then you get a nice role on a critically acclaimed but only moderately watched sitcom. And then you hit the big time with a large part in a mainstream studio film. It's possibly the most important role of your life. The world is about to meet you for the very first time, and what do you do?

Bangs.


And to make matters worse, another hot girl in the same movie...and this happens.

Nothing Makes Sense in the World

TV pitchman battered hooker in South Beach hotel room brawl

Meet Vince Shlomi. He's probably better known to you as the ShamWow Guy, the ubiquitous television pitchman who has been phenomenally successful peddling absorbent towels and food choppers. Shlomi, 44, was arrested last month on a felony battery charge following a violent confrontation with a prostitute in his South Beach hotel room. According to an arrest affidavit, Shlomi met Sasha Harris, 26, at a Miami Beach nightclub on February 7 and subsequently traveled with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai Hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris about $1000 in cash after she "propositioned him for straight sex." Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly "bit his tongue and would not let go." Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue.

Wait a minute...the Shamwow kid is 44 years old. God Damn.

Well, he deserved what he got...because as anyone who has ever seen Pretty Woman knows, hookers don't kiss. And apparently the reason they don't kiss is because they will bite your fucking tongue off. Shamtastic.

I Know This Girl

I don't like to brag about this, but I play in a 6 man coed volleyball league. You heard me. Oddly enough, the people who play in 6 man coed volleyball leagues are very strange...except for me, of course. I'm way normal. But it's that the people who play in these types of leagues are just, you know, really into volleyball.

I'm working on a show where I have to look at a million "funny" internet videos every day. There's a lot of people getting hit in the nuts, a lot of exercise balls to the face, a lot of pogo stick mishaps.

After a million of these things, you tend to forget that these are real human beings with real feelings and real nuts. They just become a cartoon to make fun of. If they have to vomit on live TV or mortally wound their penis for me to write a joke and get a paycheck, so be it.

Well, today I stumbled on a funny fainting video. And it just so happens the girl doing the fainting plays volleyball with me. I know this girl. She's a real person, and now here she is, one of the cartoons. It really brought it all home for me.

Now, I've always known she was great at the net, but I never knew what a wonderful spokesman for the sport she was. She's an ambassador of the game, really. Pay close attention to how, even on her way down to the sand, she never stops talking.

She Stole Boobs

There was a headline on drudge today that I was desperately avoiding. I just knew if I clicked on it that it was going to disappoint me. But my eyes kept going down to it, wondering...I tried to be strong, but it was no use. I had to know. This was the headline:

"WOMAN STEALS BRAND NEW BREASTS"

And what a shocker: it happened in California. An even bigger shocker: it happened in Orange County, California. All right, here's the story:

Woman Allegedly Steals Brand New Breasts

SoCal police in search of woman, stolen implants

By OLSEN EBRIGHT

Updated 10:27 AM PDT, Tue, Mar 24, 2009

An Orange County, Calif. woman is accused of stealing a pair of new breasts and then going on the lam.

Yvonne Pampellonne, 30, allegedly used a fraudulent identity to pay for liposuction and a breast implant exchange, according to the Huntington Beach Police Department.


The Laguna Niguel woman is accused of opening a line of credit in someone else's name in September 2008, having the procedures and then never showing up for any follow-up appointments.

Employees at the Pacific Center For Plastic Surgery were able to identify Pampellonne as a suspect in this case after viewing a photograph line-up, police said.

She has been charged with commercial burglary, grand theft and identity theft.

Police said the total loss is valued at more than $12,000.

She looks like every girl in Orange County with fake boobs, they are never going to find this bitch! That's the equivalent of a guy growing an ironic mustache and going into Hollywood. Or a fat black woman walking into an R. Kelly concert. You'd disappear forever.

I also like that she "went on the lam" with a pair of hams.

I have two questions though: would it still be considered "grand theft" if she only got B cups? And was the "photographic lineup" they used to identify her made up of faces or boobs?

Check Out "Kings"

I did 4 seasons of "Mencia". Since we did a lot of sketches, we used tons of "actors" and "actresses" through the years. I put those in quotes because they were only actors according to their head shots. We had a lot crappinesss. It's amazing what good actors can do with material, they elevate it to a place that you didn't think was possible. We didn't have a lot of elevating going on.

There are only 2 actresses that stand out during the whole run. And one of them only stands out because she had the greatest ass ever seen on a white girl. Unfortunately, she was a wickan. So there might have been some witchcraft involved in the creation of her ass. Let's not get bogged down on that because I get misty eyed thinking about her rump.

The other was a girl who was in a sketch where Carlos played a Drill Sargeant trying to reform some unruly teenagers. This was way back in season 2. The girl in the sketch was supposed to be goth and she had dropped out of high school to be in a band. And, per usual, Carlos yelled at her for being a dumbass.

Anyway, the girl we cast was fricking adorable. She was young looking, but old enough, and there was something about her. She stood out for some reason as being too good for our show.

Since I was single and a huge, powerful figure, I thought I might give it a shot with this special lady. So I did what I often do around beautiful women, I completely ignored her. That's right, my tried and true method of avoiding all contact and communication. Alas, she somehow rejected this romantic gesture and nothing happened. Bitch. And after taping the show, I never saw her again...

Until Sunday night. I was watching a new show on NBC called "Kings", which stars the terrific Ian McShane. It's a weird show, and in a good way. It's set in a fictional kingdom that resembles the US, ruled by a king (McShane). An average dude/soldier, saves the king's son in battle. The average guy returns a hero and falls in love with the king's daughter, who is played by...

The girl I was in love with from "Mind of Mencia". Allison Miller.


I didn't recognize her at first. Finally, I looked her up on imdb and I saw our show on her credits and I immediately knew who it was. And not only that, she's about to star as Zac Effron's love interest in "17 Again". She's about to be huge. Weird.

I knew she was too good for us.

But the real point of this long ass story is "Kings". I don't know if it's great, but I enjoyed the first 2 hours. It's a fresh idea with a cool premise and it's nice to see a network, especially NBC, taking a chance with something like this.

Unfortunately, the ratings for the first episode were horrible. It's really hard to live in a world where "Dancing with the Stars" and "American Idol" are ratings juggernauts and "Kings" gets nothing. We're just asking for more crap to be heaped upon us and that is exactly what is going to happen.

One thing I don't get though are ratings for a premiere. Some people take it to mean the show sucks, which can't be true - no one watched it in the first place. Does it mean people didn't like the commercials? They hate Ian McShane for being a cocksucker motherfucker. I don't know. Ratings that go down for the second episode mean that people don't like the show - they didn't come back to watch it again - but bad ratings for the premiere means something else.

Anyway, give "Kings" a shot. And keep in mind, I was this close to banging the daughter in it. And I would have too, if only I had talked to her, or had money, or good looks, or self worth.

In Defense of LeAnn Rimes (Sort of)

The big story in US Weekly this week is that LeAnn Rhimes was "caught" cheating on her husband with Lifetime movie co-star Eddie Cibrian. I know what you're all thinking..."LeAnn Rimes is in Lifetime movies? How sad!"

US Weekly has some crazy surveillance footage of LeAnn and Eddie kissing in a restaurant. US Weekly is stealing ideas from "Cheaters" now. But they don't have Joey Greco, so it just isn't the same.

At first, I had only a passing interest in this story. I don't really care about LeAnn Rimes, though I do occasionally see her walking around Santa Monica. She seems lovely. And I wouldn't even know who Eddie Cibrian was except for the fact that my friend recently bought his house. I know what you're thinking..."Eddie Cibrian had enough money to buy a house?"

But I looked into the matter today, and I think we should hold the phone on a rush to judgement. We all did that with OJ and look how that turned out. We looked real silly when we found out the whole thing was a hit organized by the Colombian drug cartel, LAPD, and Marcus Allen.

LeAnn offered up a non-denial response on her website. She said something about "not everything is black and white".

Again, I know nothing about LeAnn Rhimes. But I found out she got married when she was 19 or something to "a backup dancer". All right, interesting. And then I saw pictures of her and her husband.




Take a minute to fully digest those. See anything interesting? Keep in mind "not everything is black and white". Also keep in mind: "backup dancer".

Okay, no, stop right there. Don't even go there. I'm not saying her husband is gay. I'm not saying that at all. All I'm saying is that there is a slight chance, a tiny one, that he might be the gayest guy in the world.

That's not exactly K-Fed up there. That's more like this guy:



I don't know if you have any friends that go out with gay guys, but I seem to have a lot. It's a startling trend. I don't know why they do it, maybe they're afraid of penis. Or rather, the kind of penis that stands at attention around boobies.

And these two got married really young, it's a confusing time. They didn't fully test out the goods. You're so busy working on your jazz hands that you don't know who you want giving you hand jobs.

Add to the fact that this is Hollywood and people marry gay guys for a million other reasons - movie roles, wardrobe advice, made up religions - and I think we need to cut LeAnn some slack. Let her ride the Cibrian unencumbered from your slings and arrows.

It's Hell Being a Know It All

For my last job, I had to know everything that was going on - every piece of celebrity gossip, every reality show, non-reality show, movie, music, sports, politics, internet video, everything. Being topical every night was our main goal. If a different show had a funny internet clip that we didn't have, our host would be pissed at me personally because we missed it.

I'm not working on that show anymore, but it formed a habit that is now out of control. I continue to check all the websites every morning that I would check while there. I still watch the reality shows that I started only watching because of the job. My mornings consist of the same routine: english muffin, orange, and:

tmz.com, wwtdd, thesuperficial, huffingtonpost, drudgereport, deadlinehollywood, deadspin, espn, si, digg, defamer, imdb, ohknowyoudidn't, celebrityrumors, politico, fivethirtyeight, youtube, break, and last but certainly not least, holytaco.

That's every morning, and then all day long. Not to mention my ability to name every girl on "For the Love of Ray J" and "Rock of Love: Love Bus". I'm a one man information center. Sorry, one man useless information center. I can't get it out of my system, and it's a problem. Why?

Because I hate myself for knowing, and I hate everyone else for not knowing.

I can no longer exist around the normal, general public. I can't tolerate people who don't know who Matsu-Flex is. How can you not know Matsu-Flex?! How dare you! How can you live like that? You mean to tell me you're gonna walk around this Earth completely ignorant of Matsu-Flex? Fuck you.

Before this job, I didn't know Taylor Swift from Stromile Swift. Now I know which Jonas she dated, and all the details on their breakup. And I'm burdened by this. Do you know how regular civilians act when you can talk in depth about the relationship history of Chad Michael Murray? I'm out there doing spot on impressions of Caviar from "Love of Ray J" and people just think I'm retarded. I'm throwing out references to the shower scene from Brody Jenner's "Bromance" and getting blank looks. I can write 10,000 words about why Dennis from High School Reunion should be kicked off the show.

I have no patience. The other day I heard someone imply that the Octo Mom was hot and I almost slapped him in his fucking face. I swear to God.

I don't want to hear Britney Spears talking about her pussy, but I do. And I want the world to hear it. That's the problem. It's not polite in society to inform others that M.I.A.'s kid was named Ickett, then it wasn't. Or to correct people when they mistakenly believe Salma Hayek's boobs are real. I need to let it slide.

It's all bullshit. And I'm inhaling it like Rice Krispies with no milk and I hate myself and everyone else for it. It's torture. I wish I could un-know it.

But there is a silver lining. At least I have Matsu-Flex.

Toots McGee Quote of the Week

Toots: "I'm thinking of inviting Derek Jeter to my birthday party".

What's Your Game Show Story?

I was watching Jeopardy last night and the part of the show came on where Alex "gets to know" each of the three contestants. What follows is an extremely uncomfortable moment where someone who has never been on TV before tells a "humorous" story to a host who could give a fuck.

As any Jeopardy fan will tell you, it's the worst part of the show and there is absolutely no reason for it. Do I really need to know that the Jeopardy challenger once bred championship cats? No. And it's even worse when that guy wins, cause he's gotta keep coming up with stories and at a certain point he's like "my sweater's made of cats."

But anyway, I was thinking: what would be my Jeopardy story? What's the most interesting thing from the history of my life that I would share with America? It's a lot of pressure to sum up your existence in a 30 second story.

I realized though that there's only one thing it can be. It's something that gets brought up to me every single day even though I desperately try to avoid the subject. You guys know it. I never knew it was a big deal until the last couple years. It would have to be this:

ALEX
And our next contestant is Irwin Handleman from Moraga, California. Irwin, it says here that you have never had soup. Is that true?

IRWIN
Yes, Alex, that's right. I've never had soup.

ALEX
Is there a reason for that, or...

IRWIN
No, no reason. I just don't like hot liquids.

ALEX
Very strange. Any other foods you have a problem with?

IRWIN
Seafood, Chinese food, Indian food, anything foreign, I guess, tomatoes, chili, anything that can be labeled "stew"--

ALEX
All right, let's get back to the game.

But I think if I kept winning, Ken Jennings style, I'd do a Sean Penn at the Oscars type thing, where I give a voice to an important issue. I'd like this to be brought to national attention...

ALEX
Irwin, It says here you once wrote a strongly worded letter to the makers of Wishbone dressing.

IRWIN
That's right, Alex. They changed the original formula. The delicious, original formula. It was my life, you hear me. My life! America needs to know about this, and I would like to use my position here as Jeopardy champion to say---

ALEX
Let's get back to the game.

80% off isn't even enough?

The final insult...



I think it might be the first movie ever that's cheaper in the stores than in bootleg.

Made Up Stat of the Week

The average price of a house in Detroit is $18,000



(NOTE: this is not made up)

This Anti-Spoiler Message Brought to You By Susan B. Handleman

A couple of thoughts before we get to the proceedings.

It's been interesting to see the reaction to the show last night, and I've been really surprised by it. It seems like the people who read the spoilers hated the show. But people who knew nothing, like me, thought it was awesome.

Fucking spoilers! I just don't get it. Why would you want to know? Why?! That was great TV last night, and it was ruined for a lot of people. The whole reason you'd want to know what happens is because you like watching the show. That's where the fun is. Reading a blog and finding out what is gonna happen before watching screws up the whole point of watching and enjoying in the first place! I will never understand this.

Issue #2: People love a conspiracy theory. And it's interesting that the people going crazy about it being fake are probably a lot of the same people who watch "The Hills". Of course, some of it is fake. It's a produced TV show. But I don't think it was staged.

First of all, I know some people that work on the show.

Second of all, Jason, Melissa, and Molly aren't Marlon Brando or Flavor Flav. I doubt they would want to subject themselves to the public scorn they are getting now, or public humiliation in Melissa's case. There's no way Jason would go along with this. There is no way the producers would find it okay to ruin Melissa's life. It's absurd.

If the conspiracy theorists are to be believed - namely this angry douchebag named Reality Steve - Jason is some kind of crazed Svengali. An evil puppet master pulling the strings, ruining lives, all in the name of Nielsen ratings.

Issue #3: Melissa did know what was gonna happen on the "After the Rose" show. It was pretty clear from the show, but Jason was on Jimmy Kimmel last night and he explained it pretty well. They broke up over the phone - when the producers got wind of things going badly, they moved up the taping of the "After the Rose" show and would not allow Jason and Melissa to see each other until then.

Melissa was not ambushed. But contractually they had to do the show, and they had to have that conversation on camera.

Issue #4: DId Jason see Molly behind Melissa's back? Who knows? But they taped the "After the Rose" show earlier than they normally do for the "breakup", and that was 6 weeks ago. It's been 6 weeks. So it's possible that people have been seeing him and Molly hanging out since then.

"After the Rose: Part 2" starts off with some of the "losers". Average Eva is there, so is Bad Sideburns, Dead Husband, and Porky Pig. I don't care what these people have to say.

Jason comes out. He gives the same bullshit about not wanting to let it go on when he had feelings for someone else. But what happened?! What changed? Was it the sex thing? Give us something? Unfortunately, Chris Harrison is no MIke Wallace. But then again, Mike Wallace is no Chris Harrison. You try telling America that "this is the final rose of the evening", Wallace.

Jason says that he didn't realize that "Molly was becoming my best friend". Oh, Jillian's gonna be pissed! That's what he said he didn't want.

Melissa isn't there. She did send a letter. Chris reads it to us. What is this, "The Reader"? Very disappointing.

Molly comes out. People have commented on her looks. She's a bit of a two face. She has her moments, she also has other, horrible moments.

Then Jason and Molly together, and they yuk it up and a tent comes out for some reason. It's kind of strange considering the carnage they've left behind, but whatever. It's just so annoying to me that we can't get an answer to one simple question. And you'd think Molly would want to know it too. What the hell happened with Melissa?

And then it happens...

The next Bachelorette is Jillian.

Jillian!

This show is dead to me. Dead. There is no way in hell I'm watching the unattractive food joke lady for a season. It'll never happen. What a disastrous pick. Know why she was so popular? Because she's non-threatening. She's not hot, she has no edge, she's not interesting. She's just a spunky little lady who very understandably didn't make the cut.

I am very upset.

Goodnight.

The Bachelor Dead Beat Daddy Finale

Lots of rumors swirling around this finale, lots of speculation, lots of spoilers. I am very pleased to inform you that I have not heard a single one of them. Nothing. I have successfully avoided everything. As you know, I am a staunch anti-spoiler advocate. I'm the Susan B. Anthony of non-spoiling.

So I have no idea what is about to happen, but here's what I do know: the editing is telling us that Melissa is the pick. However, as Bachelor veterans, we know that that tends to be a lie. So our hearts tell us Melissa, but our heads are with the Robo-ette. All we can really do is settle in, buckle our seat belts, and get ready for the greatest 3 hours of our lives...

Things start off with Ty showing up in New Zealand. "Hey, guess what you get to do? Fly on a plane for 20 hours to meet your new mommy and another lady!" Melissa is first, and her, Jason, and Ty go golfing. Melissa tells some bad kid jokes. I think she's been studying. Jason finds a lamb and brings it over. Know what I had for dinner when I was hanging out with Jessica Alba? Lamb. The one I ate was much cuter than this one though.

Oh boy, Jason's family is even more bitter about DeAnna than Jason is. They demand that their questions be answered! You want answers? I think I'm entitled to some! You want answers? I want the truth! Seriously, Jason's brother thinks he's Lieutenant Kendrick. It's a big deal that Jason hasn't met her parents, blah blah blah. If that's a deal breaker, fuck you. If they get engaged, I'm pretty sure they will eventually meet.

Melissa is all nervous and talky, and she does such an annoying thing - she asks herself questions for her to answer. "Am I nervous about potentially moving to Seattle? Of course. Do I wish he met my parents? Absolutely. Did my breasts used to be 100 times bigger? You bet".

Overall, Melissa holds up really well. They're kind of tough and it felt like one slip up and they would've gone Code Red on her. She had all the right answers, I don't know if the Robo-ette will stand up as well to this kind of interrogation.

Next up, it's Molly time. She's cute...for a heartless, programmed bachelorette. Unfortunately, she has to meet poor, confused Ty. Not good to be in the 2 hole in this situation. The little guy refused to give her a high five or throw her a frisbee. Who can blame him? This is his fourth potential mom. He's also probably not used to hanging out with his dad this much.

She says "we're like a little family right now. it's so amazing that this is how life could be". I don't know any 24 year olds like this. I met some 24 year olds Friday night, they ended up in the bathroom stall of Barcopa puking their guts out.

Molly meets the family, and then brags about how she sat down with her family and talked about whether or not it was a good idea to go out with a guy who has a kid. No mention if she talked to them about going on a reality show to meet the guy with the kid. I hate that it's somehow a plus for Molly that he hasn't met Melissa's parents, but she takes direct orders from hers.

Uh oh. Jason's sister and Lt. Kendrick make a point of saying that Molly definitely loves Jason, they can tell it WITH HER. It's very clear what they're saying. And we all know that there's nothing Jason loves more in a girl than someone who blindly loves him.

The way this is going, I'm getting the feeling we're in for a "i can't decide, i wanna keep going out with both of you in the real world" ending, with a proposal in the "after the rose" show. That happened in a previous season, and I'm getting a similar vibe.

Melissa cries to her mom on the phone and gets her to promise to talk to Jason on the phone. Then her and Jason go on a boat in the freezing cold, rainy weather. Hey, welcome to Seattle! We see Melissa in a bikini. She's got a little bit of DeAnna in her. And not in a good way.

Molly's up again. It's still raining. And she pretends that she's "taking over the date" and leads him back to her place where there are massage tables set up and shit. Yeah, I'm sure she planned this whole thing. While Molly is on top of Jason, straddling him and rubbing lotion on him, Jason says to us that "Molly makes me feel loved, without a doubt". I got a place in Santa Monica where you can get that same feeling, buddy.

At dinner, Molly says she was nervous at the last rose ceremony, and she had only given him 99% of herself, and that "there was 1% I was holding back on". Oh, but that last 1% is the best, isn't it? You gotta give that part. That's the percent that gets the job done...you guys know I'm talking about the vagina, right?

This has been noted by many people before, but it's true: whenever the ladies tell Jason they love him, he will immediately rams his tongue down their throat.

Jason: "one thing I've questioned is Molly's ability to show emotion". Cause she's a fucking robot!

Molly made a book of their time together. It seems like someone does this every year. I wish I had kept stats on how successful this ploy is. I've let us all down, I apologize. But just for the hell of it: love books are 4 for 9, batting a mean .444 for the series. Love book is similar to a young Rod Carew. I once played against Love Book in little league.

Jason is excited that Melissa's parents "will accept a phone call". Wow, he's easily excited. Interesting to note: we did not hear their voices on the other end of the line. Still won't sign that pesky release form, I guess.

Oh snap. Finally, it's DeAnna time. Damn, so this means they flew her ass all the way out to New Zealand. At NBC, I couldn't even get a free lunch on show days.

Warning, this segment may contain heavy blinking.

She doesn't look too good. She says she came here because she "lost out on a great man". Suck on that, Jesse. She says she got caught up in going out with someone she was gonna have a lot of fun with. That's right, Jason, you're no fun. Well, you are but Ty isn't. He's a drag.

Jason details his choice between what he wants and a "wildcard". DeAnna says she chose the wildcard and it was a big mistake. Suck on that again, Jesse. So I guess we're to assume that Molly is the wildcard. She's saying pick Melissa...because she's boring like Jason.

Wow. All the way out there for a 10 minute conversation. It seems like she just really wanted to stick it to Jesse.

Jason picks out a ring. They all get dressed. He's made a decision. It's go time. For the record, if it's not a "tie", I think he's going with Melissa.

And the first one out of the limo is...

Molly. In purple.

Chris Harrison escorts her over to Jason. You've earned your money this week, Chris.

He gives her the speech, and we wait for the "but". And there it is! Brutal. I guess he followed DeAnna's advice. She says "I think you made a mistake. A big one". And then "I just don't get it. I don't get it. I just think you're making a huge mistake and you're gonna end up hurt again". She cries in the limo. He cries on a balcony. This is why Viola Davis didn't deserve an Oscar.

Molly is shocked. That's gotta suck, no matter how robotic you are. She says "I thought he'd be smarter about it". What does that mean? It seems like she has some secret knowledge about Melissa or something. She knows that Melissa's gonna fuck him over. I think she's more pissed that she didn't "win" for her dad. But I guess that last 1% wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

Melissa gets out of the limo. In yellow. She looks good. As my sister says: "you don't wear that dress and lose".

He calls Melissa "one of the prettiest girls he's ever seen in his life". I guess he's never seen magazines.

He tells her he's in love with her, and she jumps up and down and screams something but I can't figure out what it is. He proposes, she says yes. And the two dumpees live happily ever after...

I was expecting her to say: "Will I accept the rose? Yes I will".

At the end, Ty comes out in a tux and sprints towards them. He's totally going for Jason, but Melissa cuts him off with a tackle. And then they all jump in the pool in their outfits, it's pretty cool.

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

Chris opens with a dramatic speech, and infers that some fucked up shit is about to go down. He says "a lot has happened since Jason chose Melissa". What the hell is about to happen?!

Jason comes out alone and immediately cries. This is crazy! This IS the greatest season ever! All other "after the final rose" shows will be compared to this one.

He says "we're not right for each other". Jesus. Molly was right! The robo-ette knows all!

"Over the last few weeks, I haven't been able to stop thinking about Molly". Is this really happening?

At this point I have to note that I've never received more texts from my readers than right now. Most of them include the words "holy" and "shit".

So he says that it wasn't the same between him and Melissa after he proposed. It got weird. She knows it's different, but they've still been seeing each other. But now he wants to end it and go out with Molly. Okay, why would you choose to dump Melissa on national TV? That's retarded. He does say though "i was engaged to her", so she must know already.

Melissa comes out, ready to take her "dumpee" status to the next level. He gives her the dump speech, and you can see she is pissed. She starts crying and yelling at him, "i don't believe you!" She makes some very legitimate points. And Jason starts to look bad. Something is rotten in the state of nice guy hood.

You know what this is? The sex was bad. They're like two virgins who wait for marriage to have sex. And then they get marriage, have sex, and realize they've made a huge mistake. They got in the sack after the ring and he's like, "oh no! she's horrible!" and here we are. I always say, you gotta give the ol' vagina a test drive first.

Well, it was either that or her parents. Remember, he hadn't met them. We gotta meet these parents.

Melissa talks about herself in the third person and it's awesome for some reason. "You gave Melissa the ring!" I can't believe David Mamet didn't write that speech. Melissa is like Alec Baldwin right now. "Melissa is God!"

He says "the last thing in the world is to live your life with regret". And she very perfectly goes "you're such a bastard". Nice! I can't believe this is happening.

She says "i'm so mad at you!" and gives him back the ring. Chris needs to step in here and grill Jason as to why he's doing it. I guarantee you it's my "sex theory", but he needs to be pressed on this.

I thought Melissa was gonna come out and be totally on board with the break up...wrong. This is a one sided thing. What does this girl do? Or not do?

Jason is not coming off well. He needed to come with a reason. And to do it on TV is so fucked up. Did he have to do it on TV? Did the producers make him save it for now? They probably wanted Ty to break up with her for him. Now that would've been great.

Melissa in the limo: "there is something wrong with me. i just haven't figured it out yet". Might be time to start giving out some blow jobs.

It needs to be stated again: this is crazy. People think I'm nuts for writing 10,000 words every week about "The Bachelor". This is my vindication.

Molly comes out. She doesn't know what just happened. It says she's still 24. Robo-ette's don't age, that's the beauty of them, they're just 24 forever. They should make a store like that. 24 forever. What a genius idea.

Chris interviews her, and leads her with "do you ever wish he would change his mind?" Jason comes out. He's nervous. Jason starts explaining the Melissa situation, and Molly has the funniest look on her face. It's what I must look like when I smell my own gas. Slightly confused, a tiny bit pleased.

She keeps looking to Chris like, what the fuck? Is this guy kidding me right now? Yeah, we're with you, kid.

Back from commercial, Molly says they need to have some big conversations, she's very confused, but she's open to it. Then she lays a kiss on him, and that is that. Bizarre. She even says "is this for real right now?"

But again, we never get the answer we want. I get so frustrated when people don't press for answers on shit like this. What the hell happened with Melissa?! AND he doesn't even give Molly an apology. She's fine with him not even saying sorry or anything? Does she not understand that he picked a girl to marry over her? I guess she's just happy with the "victory".

I guess the big question after all this is: who knew what and when? It's a lot like Watergate. Did Molly have a heads up on this? Jason never called her? Really? Was this is a setup? We don't know. I don't think it was staged, but it's possible that Jason and Molly hung out before this. Either way, I don't give a shit cause it was damn entertaining.

All right, kids, I am spent. That's it for me. Another "amazing" season. It was a great "journey". Hold up!!!

Chris just said "watch tomorrow night for the second installment of "After the Final Rose"'

Oh man, see you tomorrow tonight then...

Irwin's Jam of the Month

God has a devilish sense of humor. Delicious foods are bad for you, gross foods are great for you, fat girls give good blow jobs, hot girls don't give blow jobs...you get the idea. So it made sense when I sadly discovered that my new favorite song is by Jamie Foxx. Damn you, Jamie Foxx.

As good as the song is, the video is even better. Oh, it's not an original video idea. It's up in the club, guys drinking, hot girls dancing, standard hip hop stuff. But one thing makes it different:

Opie Cunningham.

Ron Howard makes an inexplicable cameo in the club. He's toasting with some Dom, looking hard...well, as hard as Opie Cunningham can look. It's genius. But it gets even more random, because Samuel L. Jackson and Forest Whitaker are there too! What the hell is going on? I don't know.

God gets the last laugh though, cause he had to go and throw in Jake Gylenhaal. At least it's not Maggie.

Here it is, a randomly awesome video, and Irwin's jam of the month...