Why I Never Go On Rollercoasters

As interpreted by a black girl.

I Bought A House...Which May Explain the Blood in My Urine

Sorry, haven't posted that much lately. I've been busy taking 20 years off my life.

I've been looking for a house for oh, the last 2 years. Nothing was fitting the bill - mainly because the house I was looking for would cost $2 million dollars in Los Angeles. If I was in Detroit, I'd be all set. But out here, in the most expensive place not named New York, it seemed like I could barely afford something the size of my apartment.

Then luck swung my way. The world economy collapsed. Oh joy! Prices came down (a very tiny bit), but more importantly so did interest rates. Surprisingly, this didn't help as much as I thought it would. I would drive around on Sundays screaming to myself "there's supposed to be a recession, assholes!"

Finally, I saw a place I liked. It was a brand new townhouse complex, really nice, pretty good neighborhood, but not fantastic location. It was the first place I loved. But I didn't get serious about it, the economy was still good, and it was too expensive, so I forgot about it. And then 5 months later I went back and the shit was still for sale and they had lowered the price a lot.

However, it was in escrow, though it was shaky, and they wanted a great offer to tell the other guy to go fuck himself. Something told me it wasn't right. The bedrooms were small, and I wasn't sold on the location.

Months go by. I find another place I like. This one isn't brand new, and isn't as nice. But the location is absolutely perfect. I have a job. The price is right. I (extremely nervously) make an offer.

Turns out, they have 5 other offers - all of which are higher than mine. They come back and tell us to make our last and best offer. I go above the asking price. My agent calls me - no, not my writing agent, that guy never calls me. Fucking Team Handleman.

My real estate agent calls me and says my offer was the highest...by $1 thousand dollars. I got the house.

It was the worst moment of my life.

Was this really a good idea? I tend to be unemployed A LOT (shh, don't tell the bank). This isn't exactly a steady business, you know? There's only so many Latino comics to write for. And did I mention fucking Team Handleman?

I am not a stressed person by nature, and here I was adding the biggest possible stress. It was the worst feeling, I finally understood my dad at airports.

I began seeing the splendors of my apartment. It's got a bedroom! It's darn near roomy, some would even say. The creepy guy downstairs barely ever peers through my window! He's great, charming, even. The homeless tourrette's lady screaming "FUCKSHIT" at 3am every night, adorable!

But the ball was rolling.

By some miracle, I got the loan. And that's when I realized: I'm part of the problem. I'm the reason the economy collapsed. If they're giving loans to me, they will clearly give a loan to anyone. Take me away, Tim Geithner.

I awaited any phone call telling me it had all been a big mistake. Seriously, I would've been so relieved. I had a plan that involved not getting the house and me going to Vegas and making it rain, possibly even at Rain. But the call never came. It happened.

This was the week. I put all the money into escrow. And then...

My car fell apart.

Literally, it fell apart. And of course, it needs a pile of money to fix. On the week where I put all my money into a house. The vast Handleman fortune wiped away in one fell swoop. Imagine Hurricane Katrina, but instead of wind blowing, it's sucking. Sucking up all my money.

Welcome to home ownership!

Say What You Want About Scientology, But...

I was at the Laker game last night. And during a timeout, they started playing the Kenny Loggins classic, "Danger Zone" from Top Gun. Then they showed Val Kilmer on the Jumbotron. He was mildly amused.

Then they cut to some dumbasses in the audience, and then they cut to Tom Cruise, who of course thought it was the funniest thing in the world.

And then they put Tom in a split screen with Val. Pretty funny.

But it was interesting to see Maverick and Ice Man together again up on that big screen. One of these things was not like the other. Because Maverick looked exactly like Maverick, but the Ice Man has melted.

Particularly, the ice has melted in the facial area. It has expanded into multiple chins and shiny rubbery skin. So say what you want about Scientology, but it's clean livin'. Clean, crazy livin'.

You're All Kidding Yourselves About Adam Lambert

As you know, I'm a staunch anti-American Idol guy. It's pure evil. It's shocking that anyone watches it. And I guarantee in 20 years we're all gonna look back in embarrassment that it was popular, like we do now with NKOTB, bangs, and Bret Michaels. Oh wait...fuck.

I can't properly express my disgust with this whole thing. It's fucking karaoke, bad karoake, well, is there any other kind? I can't stand the fact that you people have made Randy Jackson think he's somebody. And I guarantee you that if you pick any fat black girl at random and they'd sing better than any of these kids.

So obviously, I'm not a fan and I don't watch. But this season, I kept hearing about this Adam Lambert fellow and how "amazing" he is. He was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. And then my mom and my sister were going on and on about him a few weeks ago.

I didn't know anything about him, but I was impressed by his ability to seemingly win over homophobic middle America since he is so clearly a homosexual.

Last night, the Lakers were making me a little uncomfortable. I hit the guide to search for something on TV I could switch over to just in case it was too painful to watch. I saw that American Idol was on, and I remembered about the gay kid, so I thought I might as well see what all the fuss was about.

Bynum made his 10th stupid ass foul and Fisher missed his millionth ill-timed shot, so I switched over to Idol. Lambert was just being introduced, and he came out and sang a Sam Cooke song, "Change is Gonna Come".

And it was...awful. Just horrible. No one could think this is good. It sounded like gay Axl Rose singing Sam Cooke. And I don't think Axl Rose was ever known for his "beautiful singing voice". Plus, nice suit, guy. I liked it better when Dustin Hoffman wore it while counting cards in "Rain Man".

You know who he looks like? Oliver from "The OC". Evil Oliver. Evil gay Oliver. Look it up, they're twins, and neither of them has a shred of talent. I felt bad for the black dude jamming on the guitar next to him. Hmmm, I've worked my entire life practicing the guitar, now I'm one of the best in the country, and all of America is looking at evil gay Oliver to my right.

I was shocked. But also excited, because I knew Simon was going to destroy him for it. Randy says he's awesome, the One No One Likes says it was awesome, Paula stands up and cries and upchucks an Oxycontin in praise, and then Simon...loves it too! What the fuck?

Oh yeah, he's a company man. He's a zillionaire and needs another zillion. And this is the finals, I guess. You can't clown on the guy you've hand picked to win the thing. Seriously, what would be the point of any of the judges saying anything bad at this point? It's all bullshit. Even if they're bad, the judges will say they're good. And America follows along.

So I put this to you, good people. What the hell? Can you explain this? This guy is horrible, right? Opening your mouth as wide as you can and screaming isn't singing, correct? Please, someone help.

Meanwhile, CBS picked up ONE new comedy for next season. One. And it's your fault.

Sorry, Jillian. I Can't Do It.

I'm taking this season off and regrouping. I predict a strong comeback when The Bachelor returns in the fall. Jillian just doesn't get it done for me. Sometimes America doesn't want what it says it wants, and the producers should've known better.

They were working so hard in the opening to make her look "sexy". Dude, I have bigger tits...that's actually not saying much, I kinda have big tits. But she does say "i'm not the prettiest bachelorette, or the sexiest". I respect the honesty, but I'm not watching a TV show to see Jane Average, I wanna see Jane Megan Fox.

I did like though that they had a shot of her eating a hot dog in the open. I think her and the guy who only blinks with only his right eye are perfect for each other.

This season has provided us one good thing though: Billbro for Bachelor! Who's with me?

3 Summer Movies

I just saw "Star Trek". I thought it was okay. I had never seen one second of any Star Trek anything before. Not the TV shows, the movies, nothing. But I felt like I should see it purely out of loyalty to JJ and Damon. I guess they did a great job, it can't be easy satisfying both critics and angry nerds. But I just don't seem to really enjoy big special effects movies anymore.

The weird thing is, I haven't seen anything Star Trek and yet I seemed to get all the references. I think it's from watching so much Eddie Murphy's stand up in my youth, cause he used to do a lot of Star Trek jokes. For example, he'd talk about Kirk "fucking green bitches", and that happened in the movie. He did a bit about how you know who was going to die every episode because Kirk and Zulu or Spock would get beamed down to a planet along with another person from the crew who you'd never seen before. That happened in the movie.

There's also "dammit Jim, I'm a doctor!" Don't know why I knew that, but I do. Also, "I'm giving it all she's got, Captain!" It's just strange how all of that stuff has leaked out from the show to other people who then passed it on to me. Star Trek is kinda like herpes in that way.

Anyway, after watching it I realized I could give a shit about Transformers or Terminator or whatever. The three movies I'm really excited about are these:

There are some people in the world who, no matter what they do, you just love them unconditionally. For me, that person is Wishbone salad dressing. Oh, and also, Michael Cera. I will take Michael Cera with anything. I'll even take him with soup. I don't care that he can only play that one character, that one character is awesome. I don't want to see him do anything else. Thus, I can't wait for "Year One".



The next movie has the best trailer of the summer. Hopefully, it translate into a good movie. Strangely, it has the same exact premise as the classic "Dude, Where's My Car?" Normally I would be extremely angry about this, but it looks so great that all is forgiven. That's how good the preview for "The Hangover" is.

The guy with the beard is Zach Galifianakis, he's one of the funniest comedians around. And the fat guy playing Mike Tyson is Mike Tyson.



And finally, is it an insult to call something "this year's Juno"? Cause in a way that's what "500 Days of Summer" is. It's a movie that's all about the script. It has an independent feel, not a star studded cast, and it's just gonna be a flat out good movie. But without annoying phrases like "Phuket Thailand" and "your eggo is preggo".

I'm gonna do a separate longer post about his movie when it comes out, but the reason I know about it and am excited about it is because my friend gave me the script a couple months ago. Usually I hate every script I read and fall into a depression about the fact that I'm not a millionaire with all these crappy scripts that are getting made. I have tons of crappy scripts!

But this screenplay might be the best that I've ever read. Unfortunately, the producers totally screwed the pooch with casting. The female lead was written for a sexy, hot, "I would kill for a chance with that girl" girl. So who'd they go with:

Rachel Bilson? Sienna Miller? Minka Kelly? Megan Fox? Mila Kunis? Eliza Dushku?

Nope.

You see, those girls are too "attractive". Instead, they went with Zooey Deschanel.

You have no idea how this bums me out, and completely ruins what should've been the best movie of the summer. Now I will watch it and not believe a second of it. I hope you can get past her bangs, because I can't...

Going to the Bathroom at Work

Philosophies on going to the bathroom at work are like assholes: everybody has one. I used to be a staunch anti-public bathroom advocate. But then something happened...I got old, and incontinent.

I have just been forced to move offices at work. In fact, we've been moved to a different building. It's the equivalent of moving from the Four Seasons to the Four Points Sheraton...in Kenya. And in this new office, there is one bathroom. One unisex bathroom.

Now, aside from the strangeness of entering a time machine to 1998 and Ally McBeal, this really sucks. Unisex? This is an untenable situation. A reconnaissance mission is in order.

When I was at NBC, there was a legendary, "special" bathroom. That's where one went to do one's business. It had nice tile, an inviting atmosphere, a spacious stall with plenty of room to stretch out, it was the skybar of shitters. You could just go in there, take some personal time, and just shamelessly blast away.

I had heard whispers about that bathroom for a long time before finally going there myself. It was like the Holy Grail, or the island on "Lost", or Lauren Hill. A mystery waiting to be found. And part of the greatness, I was told, was that no one used it. It was in some sort of empty building, and lay there perfectly clean and freshly smelling for anyone who had the guts to take her.

But when I finally went I discovered that wasn't true at all. There were people all around it (including that Ross the Intern Guy). it was their bathroom! And they had to watch helplessly as a parade of interlopers would come in and contaminate the scene.

Does such a bathroom exist in my new building?

The search begins. Call it Indiana Handleman and the Temple of Shit.

Locke Box

I think it's safe to say at this point that "Lost" is good at finales. Especially if they can stick John Locke in a box. Or Locke Box as I call it.

Another great one. The writers seem to start with what the finale is going to be and work backwards, and preserve that finale idea so tightly, almost at the expense of the other episodes. I think they resist the temptation to "pump up" regular episodes with juicy material so they can throw all that good stuff in the last one.

As Jack and Sawyer went to have their 5 minute talk in the woods, this is how I thought the conversation would go:

SAWYER
Can't let ya drop that bomb, doc.

JACK
Let's be honest, it's not about that.

SAWYER
What's it about then, Doogie?

JACK
Well, whichever girl you pick, I get the other one. So who's it gonna be?

SAWYER
What, Trapper John MD?

JACK
Oh, screw it. I'm stuck with Juliet and we all know it.

SAWYER
Yeah you are, McDreamy.

JACK
She had a nose job, you know?

SAWYER
And don't get me started on that lip pursing smirk, Hawkeye.

JACK
Yeah, that's her go to move.

SAWYER
It's Kate all the way, Charlie Singer from Party of Five.

JACK
Should we be worried that Sayid is currently bleeding out in the van?

SAWYER
He'll be fine, Matthew Fox. Let's talk about how hot Kate is some more.

JACK
She's a liar, a felon, she murdered her dad, but her ass stops time...literally, that's we had to keep pressing that button, her ass was stopping time.

And scene.

It's fun to speculate about what the hell is going on, but it's almost better to just sit back and enjoy and be surprised and confused. It's that good. But here's a prediction for the first scene of season 6:

Flight 815. In the sky, everyone on board, knowing nothing. There's a shake, but it's just turbulance. The plane is fine. And they land safely at LAX.

But they're also on the island.

Made Up Stat of the Week

Chad Dawson is a terrible name for a white guy, but an awesome name for a black guy.

The Other Irwin Handleman

As you know, I find Facebook to be a wee bit retarded. But I got a "friend request" in my email the other day from a young lady. I didn't recognize her name or her picture, but she lives in Santa Monica. And being the egomaniac that I am I assumed that if I didn't know her personally, that she was probably just a huge fan of mine.

Thus, I accepted the friend request and got curious. I went on her Facebook page to see if maybe I do know her and I'm just really old and forgot who she was. I go on her page, and check out her info and pictures.

And she is hot.

Tall, blonde, pretty, just ridiculous. That's when I knew there was no way we were actually friends. To give you a sense of how hot she is, there was a bikini picture under which she wrote:

"Yep, I'm that ho with a swimsuit pic on Facebook"

Any tall, blonde girl who calls herself a ho is automatically hot. It's very difficult in these troubling times to find a fine ass blonde girl who brings the ghetto, and also cops to cheesiness and says "yeah, I'm hot and here's my body, fuck you".

For a brief moment, I thought I was like Jason Bourne and had this awesome past that I had forgotten about. Maybe I do rule. So I sent her an email. I wrote: "do we know each other?"

This is what she wrote back:

"Hi, sorry for the mix up. I was in a focus group for my friend who develops games for facebook yesterday. There was another Irwin Handleman in the group and we all had to friend each other. I accidentally friended you because you pop up before his name under search. I realized it later when I got a request from the other Irwin Handleman."

The other Irwin Handleman.

You know what I did next...

I quickly went back on Facebook, and saw that, sure enough, on her page were two different "became friends with Irwin Handleman" posts. I clicked on one Irwin, and it was me. I clicked on the other, and it was the guy I wish I was.

The other Irwin Handleman lives in LA and is far better looking and cooler than me. This hot girl who confused us is the UGLIEST girl he knows. He's the fucking Colin Farrell of Irwin Handlemans!

It reminds me - as most things do - of something from "Seinfeld". Kramer has a rooster that he has named Little Jerry Seinfeld who participates in cock fights. Jerry begs Kramer to stop the cock fighting, that it's wrong. But Kramer says Jerry is jealous, because:

KRAMER: You see in Little Jerry Seinfeld the unlimited future you once had. Now, just because Jerry Seinfeld is a has-been, don't make Little Jerry Seinfeld a never-was!

JERRY: Kramer, give me that rooster!

KRAMER: Never! You hate him because he's doing more with your name than you ever will!

Thanks, Facebook. Thanks a lot.

Say What Now?

Every once in awhile when I'm watching "Lost", I am momentarily taken out of the show and it's like I'm watching it for the first time. And that's when I realize that everything that is being said and everything that is going on is insane.

I love the show. I am completely into it. But I wonder: who is watching it? Are there really 15 million geniuses out there? Because you can't watch it casually. I am pretty hardcore, and I have no idea what the fuck is going on. I have to go on lostpedia immediately after every episode.

We are rapidly closing in on the end here, people. By my Daniel Faraday like calculations, there are only 17 episodes left. I guess I thought we'd be getting some real answers by now. Then again, we kinda are getting answers, but they're the kind of answers that then pose a million more questions.

Every once in awhile, it's good to take a step back and remember all of the shit that needs explanation. I've done this before, and it's time to do it again. So let's just go through a quick list of stuff that still makes no sense:

-The importance of Walt/why did the others want him so bad?

-(Seinfeld voice) what's the deal with Richard? We get the time travel thing, but why isn't this dude aging?

-what's the deal with Jacob?

-what does Jack's dad have to do with everything and is he Jacob and why?

-is there a connection between Jack's dad coming to the island in a coffin and Locke coming in a coffin?

-what happened to Claire?

-is this just a good ol' fashioned time traveling ghost story?

-how come a submarine can go to and from the island, but to "get back" there they had to go on a plane that was magically going to crash there?

-why were some of the people "lifted" off the plane that eloise told them to go on?

-uh, how did Locke come back from the dead? is Locke even Locke?

-what's with the temple, the heiroglyphics, and that old foot statue?

-here's a random one: wouldn't chang be a little more respective to someone telling him that he's from the future when he's been doing experiments with time travel?

-how is Locke talking to the island?

-what's up with those new people that crashed on the island and seem angry?

-who are the "teams" and their motives, i.e. the dudes who picked up miles in the van and said they were on the good team.

-smoke monster

Really? They're really going to clear all this up? I'm hopeful.