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Michael...or is it Steve?

Doesn't have the same ring to it as Brad...or is it Chad? But hey, the Bachelor loves twins.

Special treat tonight. I am on my couch, watching "The Bachelorette" with my mom. She has not watched the show before and has no idea who anyone is. She doesn't know I'm writing down everything she says. Here is a rundown of her comments.

MOM: So she was the dumpee, now she's the dumper?

ME: Yes.

MOM: She's not too attractive, huh?

ME: No.

MOM: Irwin, this is a stupid show.

ME: No, it's awesome.

MOM: What a dumb premise. So contrived. You can't go out with someone for a month and then marry them.

ME: Mom, don't hate on love.

Jillian visits Kiptyn's family and their big house in Encinitas, Ca.

MOM: Oh, they've got some bucks, huh?

ME: Looks like it.

MOM: That mom is horrible looking. That's a nose job. And her eyes are weird from the face lift. Who's this?

ME: Kiptyn.

MOM: Kiptyn?

ME: Yeah.

MOM: She's not picking him. Just because of that mom. And she's uncomfortable with his wealth.

Jillian hangs out with Jesse. They start kissing.

MOM: I can't look. Her nose!

MOM: You know, sometimes she looks okay, but sometimes...that nose.

Jillian visits Wes in Austin.

MOM: Is that the scumbag?

ME: Yes.

Wes starts singing.

MOM: He doesn't have a bad voice, you know.

Jake comes back to tell Jillian that Wes is a bad dude.

ME: Jake is the guy that says his problem is that he's "too perfect".

MOM: This guy?! (laughter)

MOM: (re: Wes) So he's gonna get booted tonight?

ME: We don't know. That's the beauty of the show.

MOM: He's getting booted.

Jillian confronts Wes about having a girlfriend.

MOM: She's pathetic. (getting up) I have to get a banana on that one.

(comes back to couch)

MOM: That guy's a sleeze ball. How could you not know he's a sleeze ball? He has funny eyes. Do you think he's good looking?

ME: He seems all right.

MOM: Eeewwwwww. He's really gross. And really gross hair.

Jake confronts Wes, and then cries.

MOM: Is he...crying? (huge laughter) He's gonna hate himself tomorrow!

A commercial for "The Ugly Truth" comes on.

ME: Do you wanna see this movie, mom?

MOM: Of course! Katherine Heigl is in it!

Jillian visits Wes' family. His mom goes "Wes is honest, he's gonna tell you the truth..."

MOM: That's what you're gonna say, you're his mom.

Jillian says "Wes wants to settle down and be a one woman man".

MOM: (eye roll) She's really dumb.

MOM: (looks at watch) How long is this thing?

ME: Half hour more.

MOM: What's left?

ME: The rose ceremony.

ME: She likes this dude (meaning Wes). Why? I have no idea.

Ed comes back.

MOM: Her whole hair thing is really annoying. Do you consider those bangs?

ME: Um, those are side swept bangs, which I have in the past made an exception for.

Jillian says "i can only take 4 guys with me..."

MOM: (sarcastic) Gosh! What to do, Jillian?!

Jillian talks to Chris about what happened on the hometown visits...

MOM: Like this guy hasn't seen the whole thing?!

ROSE CEREMONY

MOM: That little guy is getting booted.

Jillian immediately picks Reid right after she says that.

MOM: Oh jeez, I thought he was getting booted.

Shot of Wes.

MOM: He's yucky.

Kiptyn gets picked.

MOM: Is he the rich guy?

ME: Yep.

MOM: Jeez. I thought she'd be too intimidated by the whole scene.

She picks Ed.

ME: Come on, Michael!

Chris says "this is the final rose".

MOM: Does he always say that?

Jillian picks Wes.

MOM: This girl is the stupidest girl I've ever seen in my entire life.

Michael hugs the other guys.

MOM: That would be funny if they hugged all the other guys and then didn't say goodbye to her.

Michael leaves.

MOM: He's cute. I like him.

ME: Me too.

The preview shows Reid with Jillian in Spain.

MOM: That guy's a dork.

Then Wes slips up and says "girlfriend" instead of "ex-girlfriend".

MOM: Ha! That's pretty good!

There ya go. Thanks, mom!

Obligatory Michael Jackson Post

I have nothing to add. But I saw this from Lisa Marie Presley, and thought it would be of some interest...



He Knew.

Years ago Michael and I were having a deep conversation about life in general.

I can't recall the exact subject matter but he may have been questioning me about the circumstances of my Fathers Death.

At some point he paused, he stared at me very intensely and he stated with an almost calm certainty, "I am afraid that I am going to end up like him, the way he did."

I promptly tried to deter him from the idea, at which point he just shrugged his shoulders and nodded almost matter of fact as if to let me know, he knew what he knew and that was kind of that.

14 years later I am sitting here watching on the news an ambulance leaves the driveway of his home, the big gates, the crowds outside the gates, the coverage, the crowds outside the hospital, the Cause of death and what may have led up to it and the memory of this conversation hit me, as did the unstoppable tears.

A predicted ending by him, by loved ones and by me, but what I didn't predict was how much it was going to hurt when it finally happened.

The person I failed to help is being transferred right now to the LA County Coroners office for his Autopsy.

All of my indifference and detachment that I worked so hard to achieve over the years has just gone into the bowels of hell and right now I am gutted.

I am going to say now what I have never said before because I want the truth out there for once.

Our relationship was not "a sham" as is being reported in the press. It was an unusual relationship yes, where two unusual people who did not live or know a "Normal life" found a connection, perhaps with some suspect timing on his part. Nonetheless, I do believe he loved me as much as he could love anyone and I loved him very much.

I wanted to "save him" I wanted to save him from the inevitable which is what has just happened.

His family and his loved ones also wanted to save him from this as well but didn't know how and this was 14 years ago. We all worried that this would be the outcome then.

At that time, In trying to save him, I almost lost myself.

He was an incredibly dynamic force and power that was not to be underestimated.

When he used it for something good, It was the best and when he used it for something bad, It was really, REALLY bad.

Mediocrity was not a concept that would even for a second enter Michael Jackson's being or actions.

I became very ill and emotionally/ spiritually exhausted in my quest to save him from certain self-destructive behavior and from the awful vampires and leeches he would always manage to magnetize around him.

I was in over my head while trying.

I had my children to care for, I had to make a decision.

The hardest decision I have ever had to make, which was to walk away and let his fate have him, even though I desperately loved him and tried to stop or reverse it somehow.

After the Divorce, I spent a few years obsessing about him and what I could have done different, in regret.

Then I spent some angry years at the whole situation.

At some point, I truly became Indifferent, until now.

As I sit here overwhelmed with sadness, reflection and confusion at what was my biggest failure to date, watching on the news almost play by play The exact Scenario I saw happen on August 16th, 1977 happening again right now with Michael (A sight I never wanted to see again) just as he predicted, I am truly, truly gutted.

Any ill experience or words I have felt towards him in the past has just died inside of me along with him.

He was an amazing person and I am lucky to have gotten as close to him as I did and to have had the many experiences and years that we had together.

I desperately hope that he can be relieved from his pain, pressure and turmoil now.

He deserves to be free from all of that and I hope he is in a better place or will be.

I also hope that anyone else who feels they have failed to help him can be set free because he hopefully finally is.

The World is in shock but somehow he knew exactly how his fate would be played out some day more than anyone else knew, and he was right.





I really needed to say this right now, thanks for listening.


~LMP

This Is Crazy

A news station in Bolivia received an unbelievable piece of information: footage of the recent plane crash that went down over the Atlantic. It was pictures of INSIDE the cabin as the plane was going down. They were told that the camera was destroyed in the crash, but somehow the chip survived.

Well, they immediately went to air with these incredible images. There was only one problem: the footage was from a different crash. The crash of Oceanic 815. The plane carrying Jack, Hurly, Locke, Kate, and everyone else. It was footage from "Lost".



They took it from 8:05 of this:



thanks to trueslant.com for this

One Last Time (but probably not)

I began working at a new job a few weeks ago. They didn't tell me this at the job interview, but apparently the office is "pet friendly". That's right, we are allowed to bring animals to work. Animals. In the workplace. What a treat!

So while I sit in a room, trying to think of hilarious stuff, there are dogs running around and barking. Oh, and you know what else they're doing?

Shitting. They are shitting in the office. Shitting near me. There is dog shit close to me as I work...dog shit.

If you have a pet and you're thinking "my pet wouldn't do that, my pet is great". Fuck you. Fuck you and your animal. You are the problem. Your pet sucks. It stinks. It also literally stinks. What? Do you think these people I work with think that their dogs suck? Or that their dogs annoy people?

Of course not. They think, just like you do, that their dog is the greatest. And guess what? Their dog sucks just like your dog sucks. It's the same thing. It's annoying to everyone but you. You need to think that way.

Seriously though, how insensitive can you be - letting your dog shit in an office next to people? And it's not just one person. It's multiple people and multiple dogs. So this isn't some isolated incident.

Animal people are the most disrespectful fucks in the world. If I took a dump on your desk, would that be okay? Then why is it okay when an animal does it? My shit is far healthier than your dogs. I've seen what those motherfuckers eat. That thing is licking pennies on the ground. You should be grateful that my shit is on your desk. At least I know how to cook and use utensils.

I can't even imagine the personal hell that you all are living in. Your house smells. There's fur on your furniture and in the carpet. You have to get up and take your dog out to shit. But hey, that's your hell. You've chosen to torture yourself and pretend it's awesome. That's fine for you. But don't bring your filthy creature around me and my work space. Have some God Dam respect for the people around you.

That is all. Thank you and good day.

A One Week Blog Vacation

I've been neglecting the blog because of craziness - just caught up with work and now I'm sick. This is how bad it is: I haven't even watched Monday night's Bachelorette yet. Yes, you should be worried. But I'll be back next week.

Quick story from tonight:

I've mentioned this before, but my sister's biggest pet peeve are people who look at what you're buying at the grocery store in the checkout line. Well, I was in Von's just a moment ago, and it happened. I was in line, and a guy looks at my stuff and goes:

(creepy/chipper) "That's an interesting combo!"

Here's what I was buying:

Green grapes, jug of lemonade, peaches, Dayquil, Emergen-C, and 6 Haagen Daas bars.

So I go, yeah I'm a little sick. He says "you sound a little rough".

So then I'm like, fuck it, what's he got on the ol' conveyor belt. I was praying for condoms or preparation H or at least some tampons. But nope, the man was a health nut. He had bananas, oranges, and some bran cereal.

I said "well, maybe if I ate like you I wouldn't be sick".

He replies: "Yep, maybe."

Fucking dick. You know you want one of these Haagan Daas bars. It's a sick day! I shouldn't be defending myself to the likes of you, grocery looker.

Anyway, for my sister's sake and for my sake, mind your business at the store.

Oh, before I forget: Happy OJ Freeway Chase Anniversary!

A Worthy Challenger to Toots McGee

Even Heather Graham Couldn't Screw It Up

All right, so one of my 3 summer movies that I was looking forward to came out last weekend - "The Hangover". It easily had the best trailer of any movie, and surprisingly it lived up to the hype. I loved it.

Know what I loved most about it? Paul Rudd wasn't in it. Thank God. Brotha needed a break. Not that I'm a Paul Rudd hater or anything, I just don't think he should be in every comedy. He's really not that funny. Don't get me wrong, he can play the role you give him. He's solid, workmanlike even. But do I get excited when he comes on screen cause some funny shit is about to go down? No. So enough with Rudd as Captain Hilarity.

On the other hand, Bradley Cooper is a little like Paul Rudd. He's not a "comedian". But he can be funny when needed. After all, the man was Sack. He played a guy named Sack and you didn't even think twice about it. Try that, Rudd.

Ed Helms always makes me laugh, but it's interesting to note that every character he plays goes out with a woman who won't have sex with him. That's gotta be a confidence builder as a man. "Listen, you're playing a guy who has no sexual appeal whatsoever". "Again?"

Although I do understand. He is topless in this movie and his nipples are disgusting. They look like Gonzo's nose.

Mike Tyson is as advertised, and Heather Graham shows up - her nipples are delightful. And the movie is so good that you don't even mind that you're watching Heather Graham.

I don't want to spoil anything, but I highly recommend it. So we are one for one. Next up...don't let us down, "Year One".

Special One Time Only Bachelorette Recap

Well, well, well...just as I predicted, this show has buckled under the weight of Jillian's unattractiveness. I've been checking out the Television Without Pity forums, and the same girls who were bashing Jason for not choosing Jillian, and jumping up and down that she was going to be the next Bachelorette, are destroying her for her outfit choices and lack of good looks. Women just don't know what is good for them.

How many guys on this show really like her? It feels like she likes them way more than they like her. Jillian has turned every dude on this season into Graham Bunn. And I knew Graham Bunn, I watched Graham Bunn, and these dudes are no Graham Bunn!

Sasha, who was eliminated last week, did an interview to eonline, here's a quote:

"When I first met her, walking out of the limo, I was like, eeesh, you know, not really, I would say, my type out of the gate. She's a cute girl, but not that attractive up front. Personality was really nice and sweet, but nice and sweet, that only gets you so far."

To show you just how bad things are this season, the producers have turned to other reality show concepts to try and liven things up. We've seen the Amazing Race, we've seen Pros vs. Joes, American Idol, and what's that one that's horrible? Oh yeah, all of them.

I guess the one positive thing that's come out of this season is Break Dancing Guy. I like Break Dancing Guy. He's funny. And he is there to make friends! You gotta appreciate that. And also appreciate the way he screams like a girl.

Onto the show...

For some reason, they're abandoning the house. Chris tells us that they will be heading to Jillian's hometown of Wienerville, er, Vancouver.

The man everyone hates, Juan - because he doesn't do shots - announces that Kiptyn - the prohibitive favorite - will get a one on one date. Can't get used to that name, Kiptyn. I keep thinking of Kip from "Bosom Buddies", but with an extra Tyn.

Kiptyn and Jillian go kayaking together and share several extremely awkward kisses. They are clearly forcing it. They have a lovely time and Kiptyn says he only goes out with girls who come up to him and never goes after the girls he actually likes. And the pattern continues.

Group date. They go curling, cause that's all they do in Canada, curling, hockey, and more curling. Break Dancing Guy is being funny, and a lot gay. He may be in love with Jesse. But really, what's not to love? The man makes wine, and curls like...someone who is really good at curling.

Jillian takes the winning curling team sailing. She gets alone time with Jake, the short, weird pilot guy. He says the date they had where they danced "made his life". What a sad, sad life. Jake says he's "far from perfect". Yeah, cause you have that sad life I just mentioned where dancing is the greatest thing that's ever happened to you. Jake says he's been labeled with being "too perfect" his whole life. Who was doing all this labeling? I'm guessing it was mom.

Jesse gets alone time. He happens to look exactly like Dale Earnhardt Jr., but with a kangol.




If you say you can tell the difference, you're lying.

All right, let's get to David, the angry steroid guy. Has anyone notice that he blinks with only one eye? Does this bother anyone else? The man is half lizard. Only a half man/half lizard would get that angry about someone faking a shot.

Uncomfortable alert: David goes in for a kiss and Jillian rejects him. Oh, that was horrible. I had to turn the channel for a second. Yikes. Then he says "I've never been turned down from a kiss before". I doubt that. He's probably blocked those out with his lizard brain. He goes "I should get a kiss cause everyone else has kissed you". I'm pretty sure that was the argument made by the fellas in "The Accused".

Two on one date. Mike, who I affectionately call "Helmet Head", and Mark, who I've never seen before.

They (of course) get on a helicopter and go up to a cabin on a mountain. To save money, The Bachelor producers should just buy their own helicopter. They should also have their own line of hot tubs and fantasy suites. Who wouldn't buy that? "Now you can own the very same hot tub Bachelor Bob came in!"

You know who Helmet Head is? He's the guy who tossed her the ball and said "see, you're a great catch!"

Anyway, Helmet Head is unbelievable. He says all the right things in all the right ways. Mark sits there completely helpless. And of course, she chooses Mark.

You see, ladies, how the fuck are we supposed to know what to do? You tell our dumbasses you want us to talk exactly like Helmet Head was talking, and then see what you do? Yes, it was creepy. Yes, it was too soon. But that's what you always say you want.

Wes. Can't get enough of that song, can you? It don't come eeeeeee-aasy. What a douche. But hey, if you would tell me someone on American Idol would win an Oscar or be taken seriously at all, I would've told you to fuck off. So go ahead, Wes, keep singing your song and keep faking that interest in Jillian.

Tanner says "I'm not here to make friends". Put that on the "wait for it" and "this is happening" list of shit we never need to hear again. This is the foot fetish guy, and he tells Jillian some of the guys are being fake. True, but he has a high standard. He's too honest. It's like, dude, enough with all that foot honesty. Then he reveals...some of the guys have girlfriends! Personally, I'd rather have someone with a girlfriend than someone who wanted to eat my feet.

And thus begins a McCarthy-esque witch hunt. Tanner refuses to name names! The man has a code, and that code involves no ratting people out and heavy amounts of feet licking.

ROSE CEREMONY

Jillian McCarthy steps forward, seeking the red menace. Roy Cohn, er, Chris Harrison, asks the guys to give it up. No one will. They all start turning on each other, most wanting to know who the "snitch" is. Then Jake gives a speech like he's the Great Santini, demanding that whoever has a girlfriend needs to "be a man and step up!". I hate that guy.

It's all awkward and quiet. No one is going to admit to this. And no one does. Pointless. However, the editing was implying that Wes is the commy. This goes nowhere. We have to move on and give out some roses.

REID - gets a rose. This guy is a dark horse. Very quiet, but seemingly very normal.

ROBBY - also a quiet, normal dude. In the real world, Jillian would be thanking her lucky stars for a Reid or a Robby. But she's going for the gold with a Wes or a Kiptyn, which will never happen once they get out of fake reality show land.

EDDIE - never knew that was his name.

BREAK DANCER GUY - yes! or, no! he deserves better!

WES - looks like he's about to have 2 girlfriends.

JAKE - the Great Santini

TANNER - the rat! wow, Juan gone. That's an upset. A little strange, but she wants to find out who has the girlfriend, and Tanner's the only one who is going to give her that info. Hate to bring this into it, but Tanner has a foot fetish. I think it's possible he also has a cock fetish.

Juan graciously leaves, let's see if Lizard eye does the same. Nope. He goes, "why?" Uh, dumbass. She rejected your kiss attempt. Also, you blink with one eye. Of course, he blames Juan. He's obsessed with Juan. Juan is his white whale.

Felt good to do that one last time. Thanks for indulging me. Goodnight!

(on the tease, it's revealed that Wes is the guy with the girlfriend. duh)

New House Notes

This has truly been the week from hell, and surprisingly it has nothing to do with the house I can't afford or the car that broke. I've had a terrible situation at work come up, and I've been living with a permanent puke on deck for the past week. I can't get into that now, maybe later. Hopefully, it will be resolved shortly.

But let's check in with how things are coming with the new house:

-The previous owner went to a lot of trouble to clean the carpets and repaint the walls for me. All of that work was quickly undone by 3 uncaring movers.

-These movers appeared Asian, yet spoke Russian. They were like villains in a Bond film, only instead of weapons they wielded pull carts.

-When you look at a prospective house, you tend to see it only in the daytime. I've discovered that this house has more outside lights than inside lights. Strange.

-Cabinets are extremely expensive.

-Proudly started the first fire in my first fire place. Singed arm hair.

-First night in the new place. Woke up, did my morning ritual stretch and yawn, triumphantly looked out of my bedroom window to all that I now survey, and discovered 3 Latino men being handcuffed by the local police...right next to my driveway. While one was being patted down, he looked up right at me looking at him - I dove to the floor.

-Now that I have 3 toilets, I take advantage of the ability to alternate between them. I never have to use the same toilet twice in a row!

-No longer coming up with new screenplay ideas, instead my creativity is devoted to coming up with a "heartwarming" story to submit to HGTV's "Save My Bath".

-Dining tables are extremely expensive.

-Now wish I didn't know every word to every '90's R&B song, and had some ability to use a screwdriver.

-Direct TV can kiss my ass. They screwed up my order. I called them. The guy goes "well, you're only choice is to pay $199 dollars to replace it". I reply, "I think there is one other choice, isn't there?" He says no. "Yes, yes there is. I could GET CABLE!" He immediately transfers me to the "customer wants to switch to cable!" lady. It must be so rewarding to be the guy who tries to fuck people over unless they get really angry.

-Long HDMI cables are extremely expensive.

-Did you know that you have to buy your own garbage can? What kind of a society is this?

-Garbage cans are extremely expensive.