A Newfound Respect for Garbage

When I was a youth, my favorite day of the year was Christmas. We'd wake up early in the morning, gather around the tree, and unwrap the large amount of gifts that had accumulated under the tree. We'd all sit around and do this together - except for my dad. While the rest of us were enjoying ourselves, seeing what Santa had brought us, my dad was darting around the room holding a large garbage bag and scooping up all of the strewn wrapping paper and boxes.

And later that afternoon, the second Christmas tradition would begin: the annual trip to the secret dumpster in the ghetto where my dad would illegally dump all of the trash. The opening of presents belonged to us, but that trip to the dumpster was my dad's special time.

I never understood this. How can a man get so much satisfaction from garbage?

Well, now I am a home owner. And the fact is, I can't stop thinking about trash. I would say I spend approximately 17% of my day thinking about my present and future garbage situation

What day is it? Is it Tuesday? Cause Wednesday is garbage day. Have to take out the garbage on Tuesday. Should I take down the current garbage? Or should I wait 'till I have a fresh can to throw it in?

And don't get me started about recycling. What qualifies as recycling? I know the easy ones, but for the rest I'm guestimating here, people! I don't wanna piss off the guy who picks up the blue cans. He shall not be angered. I don't wanna see what would happen.

If they try to recycle something that can't be recycled, the universe might implode. It's very similar to what happens when you travel back in time and talk to your younger self. The same matter cannot occupy the same space!

I go on scout missions looking for rogue dumpsters. Sometimes it's all too much, and I don't know what the trash guy is willing to take. So far, the favorite spot is near a Jamba Juice. But the other night, there were two cop cars nearby. There's too much heat coming down on that place.

I'm reluctant to buy big ticket items now. What am I gonna do with that box? 5-0 is all up on Jamba Juice, yo. Sometimes I'll buy something, take it out of the box at the store's parking lot, and leave it there. I don't want that shit sitting in my garage.

You think this is all a joke? Look at my garage! Look at it!

If I can avoid 1-time, a midnight run to Jamba could solve this whole mess

My latest solution is just to not buy anything at all. I mean, is it really worth the clutter? And do I really need that ultra sound machine I've had my eye on?

So there's another thing I've inherited from my dad. Next up: forgetting movies 2 seconds after seeing them.

And I Thought I Hated Flying

Ted Kennedy is dead. It seems like a lot more famous people are dying lately. But then I realized it's probably because there's a lot more famous people now. I figure my basic cable package alone accounts for 100,000 more famous people than were being created in pre-1980 times. In 50 years there won't be time for the regular news because of all the montages to the hundreds of famous people who died that day.

"Oh shit, Puck from the Real World died? Damn."

Anyway, Ted didn't mean much to me. Seemed like a fuck up, but he ended up doing some good, I guess. If he had been born Edward Johnson, there's no way in hell we'd have ever of heard of him. If he had left that girl in the water in today's world, he'd be OJ. Timing, as they say, is everything. Oh, and also being a Kennedy.

I went on his wikipedia page just out of curiosity, and found something I didn't know:

"On June 19, 1964, Kennedy was a passenger in a private Aero Commander 680 from Washington to Massachusetts that crashed on final approach into an apple orchard in bad weather, in the western Massachusetts town of Southampton. The pilot and Edward Moss, one of Kennedy's aides, were killed. Kennedy was pulled from the wreckage by fellow Senator Birch E. Bayh II and spent months in hospital recovering from a severe back injury, a punctured lung, broken ribs and internal bleeding."

So you're telling me:

His oldest brother Joe was killed in a plane crash during the war. 

His older sister Kathleen died in a plane crash in the south of France.

He almost dies in a plane crash.

His nephew John Jr. dies in a plane crash.

How do you have the courage to step on a plane after that? I don't have the courage and I've got an undefeated streak going. So say what you want, dude had balls.

I think the one headline I saw today that really sums up everything came from "The Onion":

"'Kennedy Curse' Claims Life of 77 year old Tumor-Ridden Binge Drinker"

District 9 is Overrated

It's really easy to trick a movie critic into liking a movie. First, use a lot of subtitles. Stuff always seems better with subtitles. Second, use a cast of "unknowns" for authenticity. Also, make sure it's set in a foreign country, preferably a weird foreign country. Work cheap - an expensive movie is a bad movie. And finally, if you're gonna do any of that icky high concept stuff, like with aliens, make sure to make it a social commentary of some kind. But be really over the top about it, or they won't get it.

District 9 did all of these things, and shockingly, the critics adore it. It seems like they are not reviewing the movie they sit and watch so much as the story of how the movie got made.

Did you hear? This thing was directed by nobody we ever heard of! Peter Jackson plucked him from obscurity, and whatever he touches turns to gold except King Kong. It's his first movie! Can you believe it? And he got all of this on film with sound and editing and stuff. And he cast his buddy as the lead! And he's never acted before! So he did good for never acting before, right? That's pretty amazing. What a story we can tell you about this. We've found a new genius that we can destroy after his next movie sucks.

Oh, but it only cost $30 million dollars to make. Does that somehow add entertainment value? I don't give a crap how much a film costs when I'm watching it, hell, I hope it costs $500 million dollars. Make it as expensive as possible. Just be good. There shouldn't be extra credit cause you got more bang for the buck.

Listen, District 9 is a fine movie. It's perfectly okay. But it will not blow your mind. It is definitely not the best movie of the summer. The entire alien story line made no sense. If their weapons are so awesome, how come they are our bitches? And don't get me started on the magical alien fuel. Point is, it's not a bad movie, it's just not the game changer we have been led to believe.

The fact is that if this thing was directed by Steven Spielberg and starred Russell Crowe and cost $200 million dollars it would be a huge disappointment. It would've gotten 2 and a half stars out of 4. But it wasn't directed by Spielberg and didn't star Crowe, so it was good for the people who made it. It was good for them.

How about we judge the movies by how good they actually are? Let's not handicap the professionals, the people with track records. Just cause it's some dudes first time out doesn't mean I'm gonna like it any better. It's a movie. I don't enjoy his fucking journey getting it made. No, I have to suffer through his best pal trying to act as the lead for 2 hours. And thanks but no thanks, I'd rather have Russell Crowe up there.

A Medium Sized Penis is Best for Everybody

Too big, and you're a cocky asshole without a care in the world. Too small, and you have to steal to cover for your inadequacies:

"At the Willard, Weinstein wrote, she learned one of Bernie Madoff's many secrets that they discussed by telephone a few days later.

“Bernie had a very small penis,” she wrote. “Not only was it on the short side, it was small in circumference. That he was now pointing it out to me was telling. It clearly caused him great angst. I wanted to be careful how I responded. Men and their penises have a strange and unique relationship.”

Still, she said: “I liked this man and didn’t want to emasculate him. His tiny penis hadn’t prevented me from climaxing.”

“On the bright side,” she concluded, because of its size, “oral sex would be a breeze.”

source


God is funny - He makes us all value giant cocks, but then makes small cocks "a breeze" to suck on. It's a metaphor for life.

God Bless the Fans

I just had dinner with a delightful group of 60 year olds, and it took me about a half an hour to make them understand that Comedy Central is its own network. At least I think I did, they still might not get it. They also might still think it's called "The Comedy Channel".

When told I wrote for "The Comedy Channel", they all wondered what time that comes on and on which network.

It's on Comedy Central.

What channel is that?

It's its own channel.

When?

The whole thing turned into an Abbott and Costello routine.

But still, it can boggle the mind when you try to craft entertainment for the masses and wonder who will understand what. Will anybody get a Renovation Realities reference? Two weeks ago, we debated how many kids today know who Ogre is. The best idea is to just not think about it. Do what you believe in, what you think is funny, and enough people will (hopefully) get it.

We made a video recently called "The Popcorn Challenge". It was very simple, our host threw popcorn up in a variety of different ways and caught it in his mouth, then stuck out his tongue to prove that he indeed caught it. He threw popcorn off a fan and caught it, off a building, on a skateboard, and so on. We asked people to make their own videos.

And the people responded.

Here is my favorite. It's gratifying to see that people are actually watching, responding, and to a certain extent, get it. And what a shock, these guys aren't 60...

Sound Familiar?

Remember how I told that story about how Team Handleman said I shouldn't write a script because "Ben Stiller might be doing something like that"? Well, that kind of thing has happened to me several times and it's really annoying. I shouldn't have to be responsible for things that haven't actually been made yet. But apparently I do.

And yet, no one else besides me seems at all concerned with who might already be doing what, or what has already been done successfully in the same exact way.

This was in today's Variety:

Arrested Development creator/executive producer Mitch Hurwitz, co-star Will Arnett and co-executive producer Jim Vallely together are penning the script about a wealthy, pompous Beverly Hills guy who falls in love with a philanthropic, nature-loving woman who doesn't like his lifestyle or values.

Maybe they can get Jenna Elfman to star in it!

Seriously, how the fuck do you have the nerve to go pitch that? That's like going in and pitching "a plane crashes on a mysterious island and we flashback to show the passengers lives before they got there". How dare you. Have an original idea. Oh, but wait, it's in LA and not New York. It's totally different.

This brings me to another annoying thing: Mitch Hurwitz. This guy created "Arrested Development". Okay, that's awesome. But ever since that show was cancelled he's been selling every "idea" that pops in his head. Only one problem: everything he's done besides "Arrested Development" sucks balls.

Let's go through the list:

"The Thick of It" 2007. Pilot didn't get picked up. Do you know how bad this piece of shit was? It was adapted from the BBC (Hollywood loves that) and was directed by Christopher Guest...and it still didn't get picked up.

"Buddies" 2007. Cop show set in the '80's, also set in the network trash heap. It was not picked up.

"Lost in the '80's" 2008. This guy loves the '80's. Never happened.

"My World and Welcome to It" 2008. Never happened.

"Sit Down, Shut Up" 2009. Had a (voice) cast of Jason Bateman, Will Arnett, Will Forte, Kristen Chenowith, Cheri Oteri, Keenan Thompson...and no one has ever heard of it. Lasted 4 episodes.

"Happiness Isn't Everything" 2009. Such a great script that they got Jason Biggs to do it. But also, Richard Dreyfuss and Mary Steenburgen. Not picked up.

"Waiting to Die" 2009. Dead.

"Untitled Family Pilot" 2009. Never got to see a title.

"Brothers" 2009. This one is coming out in this fall. It stars Michael Strahan. You know, the famous comedic actor. Oh, and the guy who holds the all time NFL single season sack record. I'm sure it's gonna be great.

"Ab Fab" 2009. Revived again, a show that has worked in various countries, and this version was directed by James Burrows - who only directs pilots he knows are getting on the schedule...Hurwitz guided it to a non-pickup.

"Let It Go" 2009. Coming this fall, Holly Robinson Peete makes her triumphant comeback!

"Bless This Mess" 2009. Nope.

Look, I'm not trying to hate on Hurwitz here, good for him for being successful. However, if you haven't noticed, sitcoms are dead and there must be a reason for it. Maybe they keep giving sitcom deals to people who suck at doing sitcoms. I don't fault him for it...but now he's pitching shows that have already happened, and even worse, sitcoms that we didn't like in the first place.

10 Questions About Entourage

Holy shit that was an unbearable "Entourage" episode. And that's saying something. Here are ten questions I've been struggling to answer this season:

How can Jamie Lynn Sigler afford to be buying people Porsche's?

How did E's girlfriend steal the Joker's mouth?

How does E's girlfriend keep from tipping over, what with her 12 year old body and giant, giant bobble head?

Can E be convicted of statutory rape for having sex with the 12 year old portion of her body?

Have you ever met anyone who thought E's girlfriend is good?

Are plots generated just by stating a Los Angeles area location (i.e. golf course, race course, anything course related)?

What happened to Bow Wow? And why in the hell do the black characters on this show suddenly disappear (remember that black chick Turtle used to go out with whose dad worked at a car place)?

When did Taylor Townsend get so old and hot?

Where do they order the tiny shirts for E to wear?

Billy Mays: The Len Bias of TV Pitchmen

Billy Mays' Autopsy: Cocaine Contributed To His Death
MITCH STACY | 08/ 7/09 05:33 PM |



TAMPA, Fla. — An autopsy report shows that cocaine use contributed to the heart disease that suddenly killed TV pitchman Billy Mays in June, officials announced Friday.

The Hillsborough County medical examiner's office previously determined that the bearded, boisterous TV spokesman had a heart attack in his sleep. His wife found him unresponsive in bed in their Tampa condo June 28.

Mays was a pop-culture fixture with his energetic commercials pitching gadgets and cleaning products like Orange Glo and OxiClean.

While heart disease was the primary cause of death, a report released Friday by the medical examiner listed cocaine as a "contributory cause of death."

The medical examiner "concluded that cocaine use caused or contributed to the development of his heart disease, and thereby contributed to his death," the office said in a press release.

The office said Mays last used cocaine in the few days before his death but was not under the influence of the drug when he died. Hillsborough County spokeswoman Lori Hudson said nothing in the toxicology report indicated the frequency of Mays' cocaine use.

Cocaine can raise the arterial blood pressure, directly cause thickening of the left wall of the ventricle and accelerate the formation of atherosclerosis in the coronary arteries, the release said.

That Lasted Long

'Bachelorette' Couple Ed & Jillian Address Infidelity Allegations
Copyright 2009 / SUSHISAMBA See More...


Ed Swiderski and his fiance Jillian Harris are reacting to the allegations made by two women who claim that Ed has not been faithful to "The Bachelorette" leading lady.

Ed's college sweetheart Lindsey Johnson tells "Good Morning America" that she started dating the reality show star again in February and he told her that his time on "The Bachelorette" was "a joke." She claims that Ed promised to marry her by the end of the year and that he sent her the following email during the taping of the show, "I miss you dearly. I love you... Hopefully they'll get me home tomorrow."

US magazine reports that another woman, Bethany Steffen, is also alleging that she too was dating Ed while he was courting Jillian.

"It's actually not true at all," Ed tells "GMA" of the claims. "I think Jillian and I have been the target of being one of the very few successful couples on the show. We're clearly being targeted because we're happy."

Jillian believes her fiance reacting on the morning show, "He has been very, very clear with me from the very beginning. He's been open and honest."

She continues, "I personally don't have time to, in my normal, regular life that I'm getting back to, to entertain all of this. ... All of this is totally inaccurate and it's just unfortunate."


Wait a minute…you’re telling me that not only have women voluntarily had sex with Ed, but they’re also willing to go on the record and admit it? Have you seen his shorts/tank top combos? No man should get laid with that wardrobe. Sorry ladies, yet another strike against you.

Awkard Moment at the Office Part II

So, I finally had to put my foot down.

I'm not big on confrontation. It takes a lot for me to actually step up and say something. But I had had enough.

The dog shit. In the office.

There is one particular dog who does the majority of the shitting in the office. Now, I have trouble telling these animals apart. They all look like evil beasts to me. But from what others told me, this one dog was the most frequent culprit.

And recently, another doggy load was left in the hallway near the front door. And that was the tipping point, or the tipping shit, if you will.

I yelled, "hey! your dog shit in the office again!"

The owner came over, laughed, laughed! Before cleaning it up. Laughed!

Minutes later, she came into the writer's room holding the bowel challenged mutt. Someone mentioned that her dog keeps doing this, trying very politely to suggest she do something about it. But she kind of giggled and blamed other dogs, though admitting that he had been the guilty pooper a couple of times.

Well that was it for me. The words exploded out of my mouth like, well, like a dog after consuming barbecued ribs and soda.

"I think once should be the limit!"

All eyes turned to me. I suddenly was aware of the fact that I said it a little too loudly. Awkward silence. It had gotten weird, but I couldn't hold back now.

"Cause you know, anything more than once, seems excessive...when it comes to shitting in our office".

I trailed off on the last part.

She was stunned. And looked like she was about to cry. No one said anything. Finally, she just shuffled back to her desk, Activia-dog in hand.

Strangely, no one said anything to me. I was confused, wasn't that pretty awkward? I thought maybe it wasn't as bad as it felt. But then the next day the guy across from me, completely randomly goes:

"Dude, once should be the limit!"

"What?"

"I can't believe you said 'once should be the limit', after that I buried my head in my computer. I couldn't look at her, it was too awkward".

Okay, it was as bad as I thought.

Well, it had to be said. And it totally worked too. Now the dog has stopped crapping in our office, now he just pees.