I Can't Think of a Reason Why Playboy Isn't Doing Well

Who doesn't love masturbating to giant shoulders?

This is Gonna Be Hard

I can't make comments about "Friday Night Lights"? Is this how it has to be? Thanks a lot, Jeff Zucker.

That's right, I'm a Direct TV man now. I get the NFL package, I am locked in to the Red Zone channel, and I enjoy the freedom to watch the drama unfolding in Dillon, Texas every week, months before you get to. I can't even believe I used to live like that. How do you do it? It's like living in a third world country. You disgust me.

Well, I won't spoil anything for you. But I'll just give you this little nugget about season 4:

Now that he's graduated, Riggins' hair is fuller and more lustrous.

Oh Shit

Pitch Week

I've been having to do my least favorite thing in the world this week: pitch shows. It's so unfair. I'm not a comedian. The reason I got into writing in the first place was so I wouldn't have to talk to people. That has totally backfired.

When I have to do this, it basically ruins my week. There are a lot of late nights and stomach aches. But there is one benefit. Pitch week always coincides with a terrific week on the toilet.

I don't know why this is. It's that whole yin and yang thing, I guess. While I'm feeling miserable and completely nervous during my hours outside of the bathroom, I go inside the bathroom and have the time of my life.

I was thinking maybe this explains the expression "shitting my pants". That seemed to make sense, and I thought maybe an entry in wikipedia was in order. But then I remembered, "scared shitless". So who knows? I'm not an etymologist, people. I'm just a man who pre-pitch has a delightful time on the can.

Anyway, I'm done for now. My stomach feels better. But now I'm trying to make myself nervous because I have another issue of Sports Illustrated to read.

There is No Comeback and There Never Will Be

Hey Andre!

Tosh.0	Thursdays at 10pm / 9c
Ey, Andre!
www.comedycentral.com
Web Redemption 2 Girls, 1 Cup Reaction Demi Moore Picture

That was the second take. Here's the first:

Tosh.0	Thursdays at 10pm / 9c
Ey, Andre! Outtake
www.comedycentral.com
Web Redemption 2 Girls, 1 Cup Reaction Demi Moore Picture

Watch Tosh.O Tonight: 10:00 Eastern on Comedy Central

Hey, remember that clip I posted on here that I said Comedy Central wouldn't let us show? Well, somehow they're letting us show it. Here's a refresher:



There's no one in the world who thinks that isn't funny. Oh, except for my mom. Save your strongly worded email, mom, this shit is going on TV no matter what you say. What? A woman getting slapped isn't funny, but a man getting slapped is? That's racist...or something. It's whatever the opposite of wanting equal rights is, that's for sure. How dare you. It's a new era, an era where women can get slapped in the face to the enjoyment of everyone. Deal with it.

Anyway, it's a really strong episode tonight, I think the funniest we've done yet. So please check it out, and maybe it will take your mind off of poor balloon kid.

I've just realized I've become every comedy writer I hate who brags about their show. But this is actually good, I swear. Yeah, I'm that asshole. Fuck!

2 Stars, 2 Spots

I know a guy named Todd. He is an agent. I've met him 30 times, and every time I see him he introduces himself to me because he doesn't remember the 30 other times we've met. He has an identical twin. His twin is not in show business. Not sure what the twin does, but it's something normal. Here's the thing:

They are completely identical - yet when they stand next to each other, you can tell immediately which one is the agent. There's just something about the agent that screams "asshole". It's amazing. I never, ever confuse one for the other, that's how much agent stink is on Todd.

Anyway, there's another set of identical twins in Hollywood who I can also tell apart. One is named Minka, and the other is named Leighton...


They are freaking identical, right down to their retarded first names. And yet, I think Minka is hot and Leighton is not. I love Minka. And Leighton doesn't do shit for me.


It really makes no sense. But for whatever reason, Minka has the sexy stink.

Well, Hollywood has noticed that these two are twins, and a rip off of "Single White Female" is being made. Guess who plays the hot one? That's right, Minka.


And I'd like to think Riggins would concur.

The Bachelor Blows It Again

Report: Jake Pavelka 

Is ABC's New Bachelor

A Tennessee woman says she's a contestant 

on The Bachelor, starring Jake.

Pamela Sitt,

  Oct 01, 2009

What? Why? Why does "The Bachelor" want to hurt me like this? The Bachelor is Ike to my Tina. This is insane. This is the second giant fuck up in a row. There's no need to use the idiots who lose, no need!

I ask again: why? No one liked this guy! No one! Even Jillian, lame Jillian, was creeped out by him. Did anyone watch "The Bachelor's Tell All"? She was so weirded out by everything he did and said. And she sucks. 

This makes no sense to me. Give me Reid. Give me Kiptyn. Give me a new guy I've never heard of. I'm fine with that. But don't give me this jerkoff. Please. 

And no, Jake, I don't hate you because you're "too perfect". I hate you because you're fucking creepy. 

Meredith Viera Is a "Horny Old Lady"

Do yourself a favor and watch this. It just keeps getting better and better...



But in Meredith Viera's defense, he is a very handsome man. Like Maverick.

Courteney Cox Has Clown Mouth

I was watching “Cougartown” last night, don’t judge. And something was off about Courteney Cox. She looks great, don’t get me wrong. Her body is sublime. But something is going on in the face region. More specifically, the mouth region.

Girl got her lips did. And it is not good.

I didn’t really focus in on it until an hour later when a “Friends” rerun came on. This was obviously pre-lip job. Back then, her lips weren’t great. They were pretty thin, but nothing to complain about. They were fine. The point is, there was no reason to do anything, and doing something only makes them a thousand times worse.

So we must ask the question again: why are people getting plastic surgery? It does not make you look good, it makes you look like an alien. Thus, Courteney has joined Meg Ryan in the clown mouth club.

Genius!

I predict this will be the new Snuggie. I'm in.

Another NBC Debacle

We all know that NBC is a disaster. Between the low ratings and Jay Leno at 10, they are no longer the master of their domain. It seems like there is no hope. But it only seems that way because there is none.

I was watching "Curb Your Enthusiasm" last night, and Jerry Seinfeld was on it, and so was George, and Elaine, and Kramer. It's a Seinfeld reunion. A huge moment in television. A huge moment for NBC...and it's on HBO.

"What's the deal with that?" Has this ever happened before? One of their prized possessions, Seinfeld, a show that still gets ratings in reruns, is back after 10 years and it's on another network.

And guess what? Matt LeBlanc just signed up for a new show on Showtime playing an actor. I'm smelling "Friends" reunion. And how long before Ross and Rachel show up as a couple "Cougartown"? Next thing you know Fred Dryer and McCall are going to be hooking up on ABC.

I can only guess what Jeff Zucker is thinking about this, but it's probably something to the effect of "these pretzels are making me thirsty".

This Is Every God Damn Day

At my feet, under the table, all day, while trying to work.