3 Dumb Lists

It's that time of the decade again...

Time to look back and rank everything that happened to us. People have been pretty rough on the ol' aughts. It's kind of depressing to think that the decade of my full scale adulthood is, according to Time Magazine, "the decade from hell". 9/11 was a rough one, tough to get around that - not to mention Katrina, George Bush, the tsunami, and Cathy Garcia (my ex girlfriend).

"That being said...", I had a pretty good time. You can't do as much dancing as I did and say shit sucked, you just can't. I broke it down a few times, and that was done with a smile on my face. In 2000, I would've killed just to get an agent. Now I just want to kill my agent. I avoided getting anyone pregnant, that was awesome. At the beginning of the decade, 'NSYNC, Backstreet, and Britney were on top of the world. Now they're all bloated. I think that's a positive development.

And as we look back, lists will inevitably be made. And 3 lists have recently come out - 1 for movies, 1 for music, and 1 for TV - that I couldn't disagree more with. It's like a perfect storm of horribleness making me question everything that's happened so far this century.

DUMB LIST #1 - New Music Express's "Top Ten Songs of the Decade"

10. Arctic Monkeys "A Certain Romance"
9. Arcade Fire - “Rebellion (Lies)”
8. Blur - “Out Of Time”
7. Klaxons - “Golden Skans”
6. The Rapture - “House Of Jealous Lovers”
5. OutKast - “Hey Ya!”
4. M.I.A. - “Paper Planes”
3. The Strokes "Hard to Explain"
2. MGMT "Time to Pretend"
1. Beyonce "Crazy In Love"

WHAT? I've never even heard of half these songs, and "Crazy in Love" isn't even in the top 3 Beyonce songs of the decade. I'll take "Single Ladies", the "To the Left, To the Left" song, and of course, this classic:



Now, I agree that "Hey Ya" is up there. That might be number 1. Do you remember how huge that song was? And if I was a white guy, I'd probably say "Mr. Brightside" by the Killers should be on there too. Now, I may be a little biased, but here's my top 5:

5. T-Pain and Akon "Bartender"
4. R. Kelly "I'm a Flirt"
3. Ray J "Sexy Can I"
2. Dr. Dre "Explosive"
1. R. Kelly "Ignition" (remix)

DUMB LIST #2 - Time Out New York "The Top 50 Movies of the Decade"

This one is even crazier. If you told me it was a list of the worst movies of the decade, I'd believe you. I'm not going to list them all, but here are some examples:

35. Miami Vice (seriously, the Colin Farrell/Jamie Foxx movie)
31. Artificial Intelligence
24. I Heart Huckabees
22. Synechdoche, New York
18. Femme Fatale (Rebecca Romijn should not be on any list containing the word "best")
4. The New World (Two Colin Farrell movies!)
1. Mulholland Drive

I hate people who try to be weird just for the sake of being weird. You did not go to a movie theater, watch "Artificial Intelligence", and have a good experience. You just didn't. There's no shame in picking movies that are actually fun to watch.

The list did not include "Almost Famous", "No Country for Old Men", "Casino Royale", "Slumdog Millionaire", the Batman or Lord of the Ring movies that made a billion dollars each, or even "In the Mix".

DUMB LIST #3 - The Hollywood Reporter's "Top Ten TV Series of the Decade"

Okay, the Hollywood Reporter is actually legitimate. So this one is even more interesting:

10. Modern Family
9. Lost
8. 24
7. 30 Rock
6. Mad Men
5. Damages
4. The Shield
3. Curb Your Enthusiasm
2. West Wing
1. The Sopranos

All right, let's start with the obvious: Modern Family? You mean the show that has been on, for like, 5 episodes? Come on. You can't compare an entire series with 5 episodes. Anyone can do 5 good episodes - there were 5 good episodes of "The OC" for Christmukkah's sake, and then Oliver showed up. That's just silly.

I love "Curb" as much as the next guy, but it's not consistently good. To be honest, I've never seen "Damages" but there's no fucking way it's better than "Rescue Me". It just isn't. You may also have noticed that "The Wire" is nowhere to be found, and neither is "Arrested Development".

So without further ado, here is the real list of the top ten shows, courtesy of me:

10. Chappelle's Show
9. The West Wing
8. Temptation Island
7. The Office
6. The Sopranos
5. Mad Men
4. Rescue Me
3. Friday Night Lights
2. The Wire
1. Lost

My Shark Tank Pitch

I happen to have a brilliant idea for a new business, and would like to pitch it to "Shark Tank". But since I can't get on that show, I'm just going to pitch it here. And I'm going to pitch it the way Don Draper would:

Picture a business man. Not a CEO, he's midlevel, but working his way up. He sits in a cubicle, or maybe he just got his first office. It's the end of another long day, he heads home to his wife and their young baby, who hasn't yet been able to sleep through the night. He fights the nightly traffic, and it suddenly dawns on him that he didn't get to use the bathroom today. Maybe it was the stress of the work day, or maybe it's the fact that he has to share a single bathroom with the entire floor.

That's when he sees it:

In a shopping center, in between a Jamba Juice and The Massage Place, it's your friendly neighborhood "Take a Load Off".

Take a Load Off isn't just a place to go to the bathroom, it's an oasis. In ancient Greece, an oasis was a place of peace, safety, or happiness in the midst of trouble or difficulty. And here it's the perfect place to stop, in between the non-stop pressure of work and home, and relax in a place of peace, safety, and yes, toilets.

Our business man goes in, swipes his VIP membership card - he's royalty here. He goes in, and is greeted by a fresh, clean environment with a friendly attendant and his choice of any newspaper and magazine in circulation. That's right, an oasis that keeps you informed and entertained.

But that's not all.

He steps into a large stall - think handicapped times 2 - with no shared stalled doors. There's a plasma TV and free wifi. A high tech toilet greets him by automatically opening the top lid. The seat is heated, and there are no paper covers needed here - every stall is cleaned immediately after a single use. He sits down, reads, watches TV, checks his email, and...takes a load off.

Now, I'm offering you $500 thousand dollars for a 10% stake in my company...

Understanding Sarah Palin

The Conservatives got a new hero this week. Yes, another one. They finally threw Prejean to the curb, and found an even better inspiration.

This true patriot was at a Sarah Palin book signing, innocently waiting in line for an autograph. And that's when the evil one, Satan incarnate herself, yes: Norah O'Donnell reared her ugly serpentine head, armed with, gasp! Questions. Here's what happened next:



What a brave soul, standing up to O'Donnell like that. I mean, "I don't...where did you hear that?" It's not exactly "give me liberty or give me death", but no matter. This clip quickly circulated in conservative circles. And they came to the same conclusion that any of us would...

Norah O'Donnell is a bitch...and that Sarah Palin fan rules!!!

No, I don't get it either. The Palin girl quite clearly has no fucking idea what she's talking about. But apparently that's okay, because "she's only 17 years old". Oh, that makes it better. Fine, she's 17. Still, she's a moron. So I don't understand celebrating her as if she's a hero. She's not a hero, she's seriously misinformed. That's not a good trait to have, no matter how old you are.

I don't understand this political movement. They love not knowing shit. It reminds me of Chris Rock's old bit "Black People vs. Ni--ers", I'll substitute the N word with conservatives:

"Do you know the worst thing about conservatives? Conservatives love to not know. Nothing makes a conservative happier than to not answer your question. Just ask a conservative any question, "what's the capital of Zaire?" "I don't know that shit, I'm keeping it real. Conservatives love to keep it real, real dumb".

Why do they love dumb people so much? Does anyone have an answer for this? Seriously, I'm asking. I'm beginning to think they'll just like anybody who can't answer simple questions. And then I saw this today, which confirmed my suspicions...

Thanks Again, American Idol

Michael Jackson Wins for Dying, Whitney Houston Wins for Managing to Stay Alive

If music wasn't dead, I think the American Music Awards just killed it.

So, dead MJ won a bunch of awards. Am I confused? I didn't think he had a great year. Actually it's probably one of the worst years you could have. Although for him it was probably 3rd or 4th worst. Besides that, dude didn't have an album out. Why are you giving him awards? Just do a tribute like everyone and be done with it. Well at least I finally got to see Jermajesty Jackson. He'd been like the Loch Ness Monster to me, good to see he actually exists.

And then Whitney gets an award that "only 6 other people have won". And what is that exactly? The "we can't believe you're still breathing" trophy? I'm sure Britney will get that one soon, if she can manage to keep a pulse. But if not, Jermaine will be there to accept some shit on her behalf.

Special appearance by Nicole Kidman's upper lip. Hey, upper lip! Never noticed you there before. Oh yeah, that's because you weren't there before.

Then Jennifer Lopez comes out. And she gives us the performance we've all been waiting for: the musical version of her acclaimed woman empowerment film, "Enough".

Some group won "breakout performance" and admitted that no has heard of them. That's quite a breakout.

Here's a standards and practices question for you: are you allowed to show Kate Hudson topless on TV? I've been topless on TV, that's allowed, and I have a chest. Topless Kate Hudson might as well be topless infant Kate Hudson. It should be allowed, FCC, those are not boobies.

You know it's a prestigious show when Seacrest announces the final award. What did he do to his face? And the winner of "Artist of the Year" is...Taylor Swift. Yeah, Taylor Swift is the artist of the year. Not Gaga, or Beyonce, or dead Michael, or the Black Eyed Peas. Feel a little bad about hating on Kanye now, don't you? The man was ahead of his time. He tried to warn us! He was like Doc Brown at the end of Back to the Future, but you didn't listen.

Thanks a lot, American Idol fans for giving us Adam Lambert. Yeah, I'm totally convinced now that I should be watching that show. He's really fantastic. I haven't seen this kind of talent since a young Buster Poindexter. You all should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Oh, and Seth Green? Fuck you and your 6 foot tall model girlfriend.

This is an Actress

Rachel McAdams auditions for "The Notebook":

Born Middle Aged

Ken Ober's friends have been posting old pictures of him on Facebook. Someone posted this one today and it's awesome:


The guy above Ken? Larry David. Did he ever have hair? It's so weird how some people just turn 50 at the age of about 25 and stay that way for life. Like Wilford Brimley. You ever see him looking young? Never happened. No photo evidence of that exists, and his career is standing in front of cameras.

Another example: Jim Walsh.


Yeah, Jim Walsh from Beverly Hills 90210. He's always had the same amount of baldness. I'm sure that even in high school plays, everyone just turned to him when they needed someone to play the dad. Here's the scary part: when 90210 started up in 1990, Jim Walsh in real life was 35 years old. 35. I'm 33!

Please God, don't let people think that I look old enough to be Brandon's dad.

RIP Ken Ober

I haven't known that many people who have died. I've been lucky. But this weekend my friend Ken Ober passed away.

Most people know Ken as the host of "Remote Control" on MTV back in the late '80's. I guess that's where I remembered him from too, although I wasn't a fan of the show. I also remembered him from those "Rock n Jock" things they used to do on MTV, and episodes of "Who's the Boss?" and "Fresh Prince of Bel Air". I didn't really know that much about him, to tell you the truth.

But then 2 years ago I met him when he joined the writing staff of "Mind of Mencia", season 3. When I first heard he was coming aboard, I thought it would be weird. I thought he'd come in and have an attitude or something. That couldn't be further from the truth. He just wanted to be a part of the team and contribute. We got along immediately. He was as amused by the fact that I've never had soup as I was that he paid $1200 dollar a month on a doggy-sitter.

I think there are two kinds of writers. There are those that can write funny things, and there are those who are funny. Ken was funny. He was a character. He said and wrote shit that absolutely no one else would think of.

I wrote a sketch about a home theater system that includes a black woman who sits behind you and yells at the screen. Ken told me one of the movies the guy should watch in the sketch is "The Terminator". When I asked why, he said that when he saw The Terminator in the theater, a black woman was sitting behind him and she said "oh no...she gonna fuck that nigga from the future!"

A lot of Ken's ideas involved prostate exams. The most famous was one he wrote in very poetic prose. The sketch concluded with the Doctor sticking his hand up the guy's ass, and Ken's last line was "the dance complete". From that day on, "the dance complete" became the most popular sentence in the office. Everyone's sketches had to end with "the dance complete". Well, that and a midget, it was Mencia after all.

When people die, people tend to say nice things even if the person doesn't deserve it. That's not true here. For the last 2 years I've been telling the legend of Ken Ober and he remained a friend of mine. And I am sad he's gone.

The dance is complete...but way too soon.

My Bad. Bangs Are a Great Idea.

Do the Stanky Leg This Weekend

Our season is over, so I have nothing to do with these videos except share them with you...

The Right Wing's New Hero

Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachman, Carrie Prejean...

That's quite a threesome. The hunter, the hater, and the masturbator.

You may remember that young Carrie burst onto the scene with her heroic anti-gay marriage answer during the Miss USA pageant. She was a defender of traditional values. A champion of conservatism. Another strong woman being targeted by the evil liberal media!

After the pageant, she was quickly made the poster child of the conservative right. Perhaps she could even become the next Sarah Palin. A tea bagger you'd love to tea bag.

Unfortunately, the Sean Hannity's of the world overlooked one small problem: she's a moron.

What clue could there have been? Well there was the time she said gays could marry in America. Or when she called heterosexual marriage "opposite marriage". Or how about the fact that she does pageants.

Still, they missed those signs.

It seems like a recurring pattern with these nutcases. They are so desperate for anyone who is like them - but good looking - that they will grasp at anyone who comes on the scene - be it Palin, Joe the Plumber, or Ms. auto eroticizer. They wrap their arms around them unconditionally without any idea of who they actually are, only to find out later that they suck. But instead of wiping their hands clean and saying "my bad", they go with the "the liberal media is tearing us down" routine. And by tearing down they mean asking them what magazines they like to read.

You thought Katie Couric was tough? Well how about that hard hitting journalist, Larry King?

If you missed this, prepare to get uncomfortable...

The Grass is Always Whiter

No one knows why, but black people want to be white, and I want to go to the R. Kelly concert and be black. It's silly. But that's why I'm looking forward to a mixed race only future. Think about it: a world of Jessica Albas and Lester Holts, it's heaven.

Unfortunately, Sammy Sosa could not wait for that future. He had to get science involved. Michael Jackson science.


Who would ever have predicted Sammy would use drugs to change his physical appearance?

And save your angry letters - yes, I know Sammy isn't black. He's Dominican, which is the same.

R. Kelly Concert: The 15 Year Anniversary

On May 6th, 1994, I attended my first R. Kelly concert at the Concord Pavilion in Concord, California. It was a life changing experience. And 15 years later, November 5th, 2009, I saw my 4th R. Kelly concert.

Before I left the house, I proudly set my facebook and twitter status to "my mind is tellin me no, but my body, my body's tellin me i'm going to the R. Kelly concert!" And then set off...

As with any R. Kelly show, I worry about blending in. But thankfully, there was a hockey game at the Staples Center at the same time (concert was at Nokia across the street), so everyone assumed I was a big LA Kings fan. When they weren't looking, I slipped into the show.

Immediately, I thought I might be in the wrong place. It looked like a diabetes convention. But no, they were there for R., and judging from the nachos, to add to their diabetes.

In '94, it was the "12 Play Tour". In '09, it's the "Ladies Make Some Noise Tour". And let me put your worries to rest: the ladies did, in fact, make some noise.

I settled into my seats - 8 rows back, right in the center. Hell yeah. R. comes out to his own version of Kanye's "Flashing Lights", wearing a white coat, red scarf, and red hat. I lean over to my lady and say: "i really like that jacket".

She laughs.

I think, "oh shit, that was way too gay, that's one of those things you keep to yourself." But thankfully, she goes:

"I was thinking the same thing".

I feel better for 2 seconds, but then she adds the knife:

"I was thinking that you were going to like it, and of course you do".

Fuck. It's a nice jacket though.

Awkward moment: So I'm preoccupied with waving my hands as if I don't care, when unexpectedly a black man is trying to get by me to his seat. Instead, he got my careless waving hand slapped right in his face, and yes, he did care.

Early on in the show, R. says "does LA have the finest women?!" And the 2 very large women next to me simultaneously respond "fuck yeah, we do!".

I notice some people turning their heads in front of me. I turn to look to see what is going on, and that's when I see him. My other idol:

Magic Johnson. Magic! And he's...sitting behind me! Magic has worse seats than me! What a travesty. The man practically built this place. The man invented the no look pass and the high 5, can we get the brotha an upgrade? God damn. Making matters worse? Ray J's punk ass was up in the first row. Ray J should not be in front of Magic in anything. Someone call the black celebrity police, this is an outrage. And he wasn't even with my girl Danger.

Here's poor Magic, 3 rows behind me:


If you would've told me in 1994 that in 15 years I'd be in LA watching R. Kelly, sitting in front of Magic Johnson, I would've told you that I'm going to be a happy man.

And I probably would've added, "we cured AIDS!"

This also added a new dimension to the concert for me, because I had to check in with Magic every couple minutes to see how he was enjoying the show. Magic's favorite song: "You Remind Me of My Jeep".

As for R., he sounds as good as ever. But his stage performance has matured. For example, back in the day, I remember a lot of pelvic thrusting. And I mean a lot of pelvic thrusting. Even Bobby Brown was like, "that's a lot of pelvic thrusting". But that is gone, now it's all arms. The pelvic stays in place, but the arms do the work. Hey, time catches up with all of us.

The thing about Kellz is that he will flip the script on your ass. To wit, he dedicated a song to the ladies with small booties. That's right. Usually you hear jams for the big booty women, but no, R. throws a curveball. Unfortunately, no one in the audience could relate to the small booty song.

He also classed the joint up a bit. He sang some Sam Cooke songs, did a very nice tribute to MJ (as everyone must at this point), and sang some opera. That's right, opera. He sang, in operatic style, "I'm Fucking You Tonight". Eat a dick, Pavarotti.

The best part about an R. Kelly concert, besides the fat black women in their outfits, is that everyone in the crowd loves R. more than I do. It seems impossible, yet it's true. The whole audience is singing in unison some shit I haven't even heard before. It's awesome. And a little frightening.

It was a fantastic show. And I came home high on the thrill of being properly entertained. Then I checked the responses to my R. Kelly status:

"wear a raincoat, you might get peed on"
"don't get peed on"
"he still tours?"
"partly cloudy, chance of golden showers"

Thanks a lot, white people. That's why no one likes you.

Hideki Matsui's Lovely Bride

The Yankees won the World Series last night, and thank God...that baseball season is over. Enough already. I felt like I'd start watching an inning, flip over and watch an entire episode of something, then flip back and it would still be the same inning. Can we invent a better cup at this point? The way they maneuver those things around there is something wrong. You invent a comfortable cup and the average game length gets cut by a half an hour.

But congrats to the Bronx Bombers, it must feel great to spend a hundred million dollars more than anyone else, and also use steroids, and win. Nothing like a good, clean win on a level playing field. Yeah, baseball is dumb.

Anyway, Hideki Matsui was the MVP. I know 3 things about Hideki: he's from Japan, his nickname is Godzilla, and he has horrible, horrible skin. Oh, and a giant head. That's 4 things. But today I learned something else. He's a happily married man. Yep, settled down with a nice young lady from Japan. And since I adore Asian the way I do, I figured I'd check her out.

Well, she is even more stunning than I could've imagined. Here is the only known photo of the happy couple together:



Isn't she lovely? I love the way she's doing her hair now.

This is a real photo from a real newspaper about Hideki's real marriage to that real drawing. I'm not making this up. This was the caption underneath:

It's not exactly a glossy portrait, but it's got that homemade touch; Hideki Matsui shows a sketch of his new wife during a press conference at a hotel in Tampa on Thursday.

"Shows a sketch of his new wife..."

I heard the guy that drew that is the guy who used to draw the Menendez brothers. Here's more from the article:

"Matsui refused to reveal many details about Wednesday's wedding or his new wife, only saying she is 25 and from Japan, where she formerly worked "in a reputable position at a highly respected company."

Why pencil? At least color that shit in with some crayons or something. What the fuck is going on in Japan? I feel like that question cannot be asked enough. I have a hard time believing a woman who looks that slutty works at any "highly respected company". I mean, look at her. So trashy. She could at least show less skin for that press conference. And she's totally staring at the guy in the front row to her left.

One last thing from the article:

"Matsui, also known back home for his large collection of porn films, said he and his wife have been planning their wedding for a year."

Does it count as a collection if they're just stored on your hard drive? And how do you get "known" for that? Does your mom walk in on you and just start telling the whole neighborhood? It would seem you'd have to go out of your way to become famous for that. I'm like Tyler Perry, I keep my shit on the D.L.

That's why you have to be really careful about what you do as a celebrity - you don't want "known for your large collection of porn films" in every article ever written about you. The porn label sticks, my friend, trust me. I wonder if the drawing knows about this. I also wonder if he'll get sick of having sex with his wife and start masturbating to the drawing. Does he have other drawings, like with her boobs and stuff?

All right, that's it. Congrats to the Yanks, who are known back home for their steroid use, STD's, extensive porn collection, and saddest of all, for going out with Kate Hudson.

Oh Happy Day

ABC plans 5 more 'Shark Tank' episodes
Looks like my new favorite show has been saved. The ratings were bad, and it was looking dead, which was such a bummer because the last few episodes were awesome. But this was announced today:


"Shark Tank" will likely get a second chance to pitch itself to viewers.

ABC plans to air five more episodes of Mark Burnett's reality series.

The network had three unaired "Shark Tank" episodes left in the can and has now asked producers to cobble together another two episodes from existing footage for an expected five-episode run. No air date is set.

The network has not ordered production on new episodes of the series, however, contradicting a Tweet from one of the show's panelists that spurred some speculation about a renewal.

"Shark" Robert Herjavec (aka, "the nice one") wrote via Twitter: "Great news – ABC has ordered more episodes of Shark Tank !!!! No air date yet – but it’s coming."

Sorry buddy, but you're no Paula Abdul.

This should allow ABC a chance to test the waters with "Shark" once again. The downside is that you have to figure that the material is probably not the most compelling deal-making footage from the show's first round of production. And given the holidays are coming up, I smell another tough time period ahead for the show.