Spinoff Idea for NBC

We all know that NBC sucks. Even they know they suck. They admitted it to the world - they actually said "we cannot come up with any hits for the 10 o'clock hour". That still amazes me. I can't believe more wasn't made of the head of a television network saying "we can't make good television shows". That's like me saying, "sorry, I can't come up with jokes anymore, I'm just gonna write interesting statements".

But it's not that they can't come up with hits, it's that they don't know what a hit is when they have it. For example, at this very moment they own the rights to the next great sitcom. And yet they are blind to it. I think we all know what I'm talking about, we all want to watch it, it's of course, a little show called:

"Riggins Rigs"

The wacky adventures of brothers Billy Riggins and Tim Riggins as they struggle to keep their new business afloat in the tiny town of Dillon, Texas.

Who wouldn't watch that? I know I'm there. Billy Riggins is the funniest character on TV.

"But what about 30 Rock and The Office", you ask?

Okay, Billy Riggins is the funniest character on TV who doesn't live in "wacky comedy land".

I wish I had an agent so I could pitch this idea and make it happen.

Oh yeah, I do. But I still can't. Awesome.

FYI About Jersey Shore

In case you haven't heard, MTV buckled to the pressure and has removed the scene of Snookie getting punched in the face from tonight's episode of "Jersey Shore". We are all very upset.

Wait, what's that? Oh, really? I just got word that there's something called youtube.



I like how they reaped all of the benefits from this crazy shit and are now trying to look like the good guys. Own it, MTV.

Bitches Be Lyin' in Spin Class

There are 2 popular rumors about Adolf Hitler: One is that he didn't die in the war and escaped, and two is that he was a homosexual. We will never know if those are true. However, if he was gay, and somehow survived the war, he may be teaching the spin class at my gym.

The most important element in "spinning" is a knob on the bike that makes it harder or easier to peddle. And the whole class consists of the teacher guy telling you to add or release tension on that knob.

Here's the problem: there are no numbers on the knob. There is no way to no how much you're working with. He just says "turn it a full rotation 4 times..." Well first of all, gay Hitler, we might not be starting from the same place.

But I'm a newcomer. I take these instructions very seriously. He says 4 and a half, I'm doing 4 and a half. Midway through the class, I'm dying. Then I look around and these girls are peddling like Lance Armstrong going downhill. There was one large black girl who looked like her peddles weren't even attached to her bike.

What the hell? How could this be?

It could be because these bitches be lyin'. They're not turning no 4 and a half. I don't even think they know about the knob. Meanwhile, this dude is coming up to me and berating me off mic. He covers up his Madonna style headset like, "increase your tension! push yourself!" I'm like, bro, check that black girl. I think she's just in here enjoying the music.

But he's a liar too. Cause every 5 seconds he's like "this is the hardest part, give it everything you have!" Well I listened to that, I gave it all I had, and then the next thing you know, he's telling me we've got another hill! I've got nothing left...meanwhile black girl is happily peddling along, her ass swallowing up the bike seat with each push.

Only one time during the entire hour did he say something that wasn't "let's push!" or "10 more seconds!". His one moment of casual banter to the class was to offer this:

"This is a Mary J. Blige song. You know, when I was in college, she had a song, I had it at the top of my play list for a good 3 months. That song was "Family Affair". Love it."

Good to know. Back to the lies.

I really thought I was losing my mind. Am I the only one following instruction? But at the very end of the class, I finally looked behind me and saw a chubby Asian guy, about ready to puke. This made me happy.

The last honest man.

Remember When Actors Used to Pretend They Weren't Gay?

I feel like I have a pretty good awareness of what's going on in the world. It's part of my job, and also I just enjoy trying to know about everything. However, there are some things that I can't really pay that much attention to and only have a vague knowledge of. Since I'm an adult, "Twilight" is one of those things. But when it starts to invade things that I like, ie Saturday Night Live, sometimes I am shocked at what I have been missing.

This is what I had heard: For the sequel to "Twilight", one of the characters is supposed go from shy guy to love interest. People were worried that the guy playing this character, Taylor Lautner, wouldn't be up to the job. So the fans rallied around him, he started working out like crazy, and they reluctantly gave him the part. Then Twilight freaks went crazy for him - as they would for anyone in the movie - and suddenly he's a "heartthrob" getting cast in big budget movies.

This was all fine to me. I don't really care. Then he hosted Saturday Night Live and I got my first real look at the situation.

What everyone failed to mention is that this guy is clearly gay. I don't want to out people or whatever, but no one can watch this guy and not think he's gay. He just is, and that's fine. And I don't think he's really hiding it. It made me wonder; did people think this way about Travolta back in the day? They had to suspect it, right? With all the singing and the dancing and the marrying 60 year old dying ladies when he was 22.

Maybe it's the internet that speeds these things up. Some people probably had the Travolta is gay thought, but there was no way to throw it out there. So they kept their opinions in the closet, so to speak.

Anyway, Taylor Lautner is a gay man, or will be soon. But more importantly, and more surprising to me, is that he is not a good looking man. I know good looking. Zac Efron, now that's a drink of water I can get onboard with.

Taylor Lautner has a crazy pig nose. My friend Nick made this apt comparison:


Yes, I know none of this is for me, but I don't think anyone has thought this whole "Taylor Lautner is a star" thing through. It's another case of the George Costanza syndrome. I've detailed this before - it's where Jason Alexander is hilarious as George Costanza so people give him other parts in things, thinking he's gonna be funny. But he's not. He's only great on a great team with a great character.

Taylor Lautner is the George Costanza of "Twilight". With a pig nose.

This is What I Wear When Making a Roast

Do you coordinate your outfits with your oven mitts?


I do.

This is What It's Come to At My Office

And no, I don't have the key to the Tennis Channel. Yet another reason why my chain of upscale toilets, Take a Load Off, is a brilliant idea.

"Jersey Shore" is Perfect

Here’s something that fascinates me about “Jersey Shore” on MTV: It’s that someone was watching the Real World and said out loud:

"You know what the problem is with this show? The kids on here are too smart"

But really, what took so long? Guidos are entertaining, that's just a fact. Denise Richards isn't fun to watch, these guys are fun to watch:


You see this, you're not turning the channel. You have to watch.

It really is like these people are a different species or something. To prove the point: the show is on MTV, it is the exact same premise as The Real World - strangers living in a house, everything taped, they even get a job - and yet it's not called "The Real World: Jersey Shore". Why? Because these aren't real people. They are guidos, and they are different and we all know it.

One of the guys calls himself The Situation. His abs are also known as The Situation. There's Ronnie, who likes to make something called "Ron Ron juice" before hitting the clubs and "pounding out" women. There's also Jwoww, no reason given for the multiple "W's". And of course there's Paulie D. I'm pretty sure 70 percent of guidos are named Paulie D, so there had to be at least one.

The funny thing is they all think they're hot. Not just themselves, they think the other people in the house are hot. Even the guys think the other guys are hot. It's very strange. You know how people argue that girls get their cue from magazines and TV on how to look, and skinny is awesome, and all that? These people are seeing that stuff and going the opposite way. Cause no one on TV or movies or magazines looks like this. These girls are chubby. These guys are in black face. Where are they getting this from?

These people bring up so many questions...How do they have time to work out so much? Who thinks that looks good? Do they work? Why so much tanning? Don't they hate blacks? What girls do they get? Are there guidettes?

Well, it turns out there are, and 4 of them are on "Jersey Shore". One of them is a little chubby midget who is the guido version of Christina Aguilera. And in the "this season on..." preview, we see her get punched in the face by a guy. I'm not talking slapped, or spanked, or even a glancing blow. No, she gets full on fist punched directly into her tanned grill.

It is insane. And it might become the most talked about moment in reality show history since Joey Greco got stabbed on "Cheaters".

Thank you, Jersey Shore.

The Guy I Always Sit Next to On Airplanes

An Enjoyable Photo