The Academy Awards 2010

I keep hearing reports that Maggie Gyllenhaal had horrific plastic surgery recently, so I'm looking forward to seeing what that's all about. Otherwise, here are my thoughts as I watch...

Neil Patrick Harris is gay? Get outta town.

I don't like when the host or hosts say a celebrities name, and then there's applause for 5 minutes, and then joke. But other than that, I enjoyed the "that damn Helen Mirren" joke.

This is the best year for fat black people since they came out with (insert racist food joke).

When is Hollywood gonna wake up and realize that Taylor Lautner is the worst?

The Nazi guy wins for "Inglourious Basterds". He was great, no doubt. Not so sure about that movie though. For a movie called "Inglourious Basterds" there was very little of the Inglourious Basterds. I thought it was gonna be all about those guys running around France killing Nazis. Maybe it was all a distraction so we wouldn't notice we were paying to watch a Nazi guy and a blonde girl we've never heard of.

It's also distracting from the fact that Brad Pitt was absolutely awful in it. It's like he thought he was an SNL sketch.

Ugh, Miley Cyrus. So gross. She's the Taylor Lautner of girls.

They mentioned Eminem as one of the "greats" who has written an Oscar winning Best Original Song, but no shout out to Three 6 Mafia. I think we're all trying to forget that happened.

Maggie Gyllenhaal!!! She looks fine, well, for her. I don't notice anything. Weird.

"A Serious Man" is up for Best Screenplay (and Best Picture). I know of only one person who made it through that whole movie, and he's one of those people who tries to like things that everyone hates.

Thanks Molly Ringwald, for making my point about bangs. Sorry you had to do it on national TV.

Tribute to John Hughes. Now this is what they should be doing on this show. Oh shit. The Brat Pack + Macauley = Uncomfortable.

Hey Taylor Lautner, take a good look at Judd Nelson, pal.

Zoe Saldana needs to start eating some of what Gabourey Sadibe is eating.

Ben Still comes out as a Na'vi. Funny. Wish he wasn't such a dick.

Rachel McAdams has a caught a case of the skinnies. Why is that necessary? Eat, bitches! Has Kate Bosworth taught us nothing?

"Precious" wins Adapted Screenplay. That's a bit of an upset because of "Up in the Air". I'm happy about that because I heard Jason Reitman on a podcast and I couldn't believe how big of a douche he is. He was arguing that it was harder for him because of who his dad is. I know I've had it way easier in Hollywood because my dad sells plumbing supplies.

I hope all of you are on board with my "State of Play" comments, because seeing garbage like "A Serious Man" and "Nine" on here only bolsters my confidence in my argument.

Vera Farminga's head is blocking Scarlett Johansson's head. Move it, Farminga.

I'll believe Ana Kendrick is a good actress when she plays a character that is likeable.

Mo'Nique wins Best Supporting Actress. Tosh likes to remind everyone that Mo'Nique was in "Soul Plane".

Standing ovation? Why? I hate when comedians forget that they're comedians. Be funny.

How come costume designers are the worst dressers?

Horror montage. Who would ever think that "Leprechaun" would be shown at the Oscars?

By far the hottest girl at this show is Zac Efron. I'm trying to think how much better my life would've been if I had his hair.

Avatar wins for Best Cinematography. Oh yeah, he shot the shit out of that green screen. Speaking of that, why isn't Avatar up for Best Animated Film?

No one has less sense of humor than James Cameron. He just doesn't get it. But he is a genius. Interesting note about him: How many multi-millionaire's current wives are less attractive and older looking than the woman they married in the '80's? He got his trophy wife order mixed up.

Fisher Stevens is the real life Forest Gump.

I love the tenuous relationships involved in who presents each Best Picture nominee. Keanu is introducing Hurt Locker because he was in Point Break, also directed by Bigelow. They should have Tom Arnold introduce Avatar.

No Tom Arnold, instead they went with Kathy Bates. Why? She was in Titanic with all of her fallutin' "new" money.

The old military guy in Avatar should've been nominated. Interesting note: that guy is also in Public Enemies and had exactly 2 lines in the whole movie. What a waste.

Demi Moore and Michelle Pfeiffer are doing plastic surgery the right way.

Here's a new one. For Best Actor, they have an actor who has worked with each of the nominees and tell a story about them. Colin Farrell is there and was in Crazy Heart, but he's not there to talk about Jeff Bridges. It's so funny that Farrell was in that movie. Can you imagine the producers? "We need a good looking country singer, a real American dude...Colin Farrell!"

Tim Robbins talks about Morgan Freeman. Andy fucking Dufresne kills it! After all this self congratulatory bullshit from the others, he goes "Morgan Freeman told me that a true friend will bring you coffee...can do that for me, Ted? It is Ted, isn't it?" Classic.

Colin is there to talk about Jeremy Renner because they worked together on Swat! Leprechaun and Swat on this broadcast, people. I guess no one else who is famous has ever worked with this dude.

In a shock to no one, Jeff Bridges wins. I preferred Renner.

Clooney's girlfriend has yet to break a smile. My theory is that she doesn't speak a word of english and thinks she's at some bizarre interactive play.

Oprah in the building. Where's Uma? I wonder who she is gonna talk about. The way Forrest Whitaker talks about "Hope Floats" you'd think it was watchable. I saw that shit in the theaters. Hey, don't blame me. I was in college, everyone experiments in college.

Carey Mulligan and her mom are identical twins.

No upset again, Sandy Bullock wins it. Interesting note: she's vagina cousins with a porn star. An Oscar first? Probably not.

Babs gives out Best Director. It's Katherine Bigelow. Good for her. I really liked that movie. But it's hard to say she deserved it more than Cameron. What he did was next to impossible.

Tom Hanks gives Best Picture. I follow him on Twitter, and he ends every tweet with "Hanx". I laugh every time.

Hurt Locker wins.

Wow. Again, I loved Hurt Locker. But I hated everything about Avatar before I actually saw it. I hated the previews, the premise, everything. And then I watched it and it turned me completely around. Everyone I know who has seen it, likes it. And in this day and age, with people loving to tear shit like this down, to do what it did, is unbelievable.

I guess James Cameron will just have to settle for having more money than everyone else.