Ali the Bachelorette: Episode 3

How come this season doesn't have a subtitle? There was Officer and a Gentleman, An English Gentleman...this season could be:

24 Men and a Deaf Guy, or No Blacks Allowed, or We've Given Up.

Anyway, the show. Roberto gets a one on one date (after not getting a date last show). The Bachelor Copter picks them up. This stopped being cool 11 seasons ago. Even better, Ali is afraid to fly. Then why the fuck do they keep making her fly? What if I was the Bachelor and every date was at a dog park? There'd be a lawsuit.

Someone in the comments mentioned that Jesse looks like Michael Phelps. Agreed. Except with a normal mouth.

For some reason, Ali and Roberto have to tight rope across two buildings to get to their dinner. When did this turn into Fear Factor? Where is Joe Rogan? Let's put the focus back where it belongs: hot tubs.

They kiss while walking across in a Jake/Vienna moment. Be right back, have to puke...

And I'm back. And I'm greeted with Ali's standard "WHOOOOOO!!!"

I'll say it: this show hasn't been the same since Craig the Hair guy left.

HOLD THE PHONE. Okay, I have to set the stage for what's about to happen. At the house, the guys get their next "date" box. It's a group date to go singing. Frog guy isn't one of the guys that gets to go. And this is a direct quote from Frog Voice:

"I think they're gonna go do something that has to do with music which sucks because I would love to go sing and show Ali my voice a little bit...I'd love to sing her a song from my heart"

Holy crap. I can't even begin to make fun of this.

Ali really thinks highly of Roberto's looks. I don't know. He's aiight. She says "I don't know if I'm good looking enough for him". Oh, so many issues. It's what's on the inside that c--I couldn't even finish that sentence.

My boss Daniel watches this show religiously as well. He said that if he was on the show he would try to finger the girl immediately. I kind of agree. I mean, we're 30 God Damn years old. Who just makes out with someone anymore? Let's get to the business.

Roberto makes out with Ali and she gives him a rose, and then he gives her his finger.

Next group date. They meet Ali in the middle of nowhere, she tells them that she has "a little bit of a surprise for you today". Really? You do? I'd love one time for the bachelor to say: "i have something completely expected for you - awkward conversations!"

Barenaked Ladies sighting!

What a huge get. Go Bachelor producers. Who's next - 3 Doors Down?

The Ladies are going to sing "a new song". Just what we all want to hear from them. Watching X-Files with no lights on!

The guys and Ali are going to make a video for them. The Ladies demo (music term) the song, and gay Frank dances really funny. It's some kind of rain dance. Sorry dude, Raining Men was just a song.

The Weatherman's scene involves kissing. He's uncomfortable with that. Of course he is. You can tell he is making Ali feel really awkward. You can tell because he's making me feel really awkward. Then he cries!!! What? Why? The man starts bawling. I did not see that storm front coming at all.

Lots of kissing with other dudes. I think this video is about a huge whore.

Chris finally admits that his mom is dead. Now that he's coming clean, this guy is a big dark horse candidate.

Kirk - who had a heavy makeout session during the video - gets in the hot tub for some more making out. But it's weird because Ali kisses him where his mustache is supposed to be and he's nailing her in the chin. We're supposed to think that this is some hot and heavy scene, but that's just an extended peck, people.

Kirk gets the rose.

They watch the finished video. Can't lie, the Ladies song ain't that bad. Chicken to China, the Chinese Chicken!

Justin the crippled wrestler feels he isn't getting enough Ali time. So he decides to crutch down to her house. Ali seems genuinely pleased by this. You know, when a dude shows up uninvited at your house that's normally considered a stalker. Ali considers it flattering. Women are such suckers for dumb, unnecessary gestures. There's nothing wrong with a guy who plays by the rules, ladies.

Frog Deaf guy has said 20 words at the most this episode - I've been hanging on every one.

Guess what, everyone? Justin doesn't care what the other guys think and isn't here to make friends.

Poor Hunter. He's got absolutely nothing going for him, and he's quite obviously being set up to fail. All the other one on ones were big extravaganzas where Ali liked the guys. Hunter, not so much. He's going home.

Justin becomes a huge doucher when talking with the guys. He gets in a funny argument with Frog Guy Voice. It's not a funny argument, it's just funny to listen to Froggy. Oh, and also because Justin cries. Christ. There's been more crying on this episode than when Frog Guy's parents first heard him speak.

Ali finally ends our misery and dumps Hunter. He asks if there's anything he can do to change her mind. Bro, I've been watching this show for 19 years, no one has ever changed their mind about dumping someone. Well, except maybe DeAnna and Graham Bunn (Bunn is being mentioned on every recap for some reason. I just like writing Bunn).

I've known a lot of Justin's in my day. Hated all of them. I did, however, admire their eyebrows.

Ali always wears dresses that are too long and so she has to pick them up whenever she walks. You're not 6'2", sweetie.

Ali spills the beans about Justin walking to her house. The guys are not happy. Creepy Frog Voice says that he thinks that Justin is creepy.

Ali starts to realize that Justin is the "Vienna" of the house. Wow. Exactly. So what are you gonna do, Ali? No one hated Vienna more than you. It's gut check time.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Ugly Manning brother is gone, so is the Weatherman, and there's another guy who I've barely seen that has to be done. Well, either him or the guy who couldn't open the champagne.

CHRIS - dark horse, dead mom.

JESSE - young, Phelps, normal mouth

CHRIS N. - this is the guy I've barely seen, still a mystery.

TY - quiet night, but still strong and still all ears

THE FROG - even though he didn't get to show off his voice!

CRAIG - Ugly Manning Brother hangs in there

FRANK - Mango!

THE WEATHERMAN?! - wait, is this a list of the guys she's getting rid of? so confused right now. no way can she keep him.

JUSTIN - they tried to make this dramatic, but obviously

Champagne guy is gone, and the other guy I didn't remember who seems gay (his name is John). Well, they did need to go. It's just The Weatherman is so much more deserving. That has to be a producer's pick, because she is giving him nothing but a cold front during high pressure situations.

Next week, Froggy loses his mind...and shows off his voice!!! I can't recommend anything more strongly than next week's episode.