"Lost" is back on Tuesday. And true to my word, I have not read a single spoiler since last season ended, which I think was about 17 years ago. They even posted the first 5 minutes of the season premiere online, and I refused to watch it. I'm really annoyed by that. Stop being so hip. Build the anticipation. Plus, I thought it was a really cool question to ask people: what's the first shot of the premiere going to be?
Now that is ruined. And I will sound like an idiot to people who have already seen it. But my guess is the first shot is back on flight 815.
To those who already know, shut up. I don't want to hear until I watch it. Yeah, it may sound crazy, but I like finding out what happens on the show by actually watching the show. I'm a fucking dinosaur like that.
Anyway, I keep seeing these youtube "Lost" compliations so I thought I'd post a few here so you can see them in one place:
Here is everything you need to know about Lost, Seasons 1-5...
Here is the plane crash in real time...
And here is the latest promo with new footage...
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Gross
This is Vienna from The Bachelor "topless". First of all, I hate when people say "topless!" That seems to be a little trend lately, where that word is big in the headline and then you excitedly look for the picture and there's not a boobie to be seen.
Okay yes, that's technically topless. But the connotation to that word is boobies and we all know it. So stop it with this topless nonsense.
Second of all, really? This is the last girl I wanna see topless from The Bachelor. I wanna see Vienna wearing as many tops as possible. The more tops, the better. And if one of those tops happens to cover up her face, even better. Where are Rozlyn's topless pics? Gia's? Chris Harrison's?
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
A Reason to Watch Tosh.0 Tonight
I wrote a couple jokes that are so horrible they made Daniel Tosh question my ability to be in a healthy relationship. That's what great about writing for this show: that's actually a good thing and the jokes made it on the air.
In my defense though, that Brooke Shields needed to be taken down a peg, and I don't mind being the one to do it.
In my defense though, that Brooke Shields needed to be taken down a peg, and I don't mind being the one to do it.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
My Idea for Fixing the Hope for Haiti Telethon
Okay, so maybe it doesn't need fixing because it raised $57 million dollars. Or maybe that's small potatoes, friends! Because I have the solution that could make that thing a million times better, or rather, 100 million times better.
If my memory serves, there have been 3 of these celebrity telethons in recent years. 1 after 9/11, another after Katrina, and now this one after the Haiti earthquake. There may have been one after the tsunami but I can't remember. If there wasn't, that's kind of rude.
Each one has followed the same format: a bunch of celebrities answering phones and pretending to take donations, even more important celebrities telling a somber story about the tragedy, and musical performances, usually collaborations of sad songs.
Before I get to my idea, isn't it interesting to think about the politics backstage at these things? How do you decide who gets to tell a story? How do the collabos take shape? Do D list celebrities offer to help and are turned down for being not famous enough? Can't you imagine Tara Reid trying to get in on that action?
All right, I know you're dying to know my solution, so here's how you make the show good:
Every time I watch it, I'm fascinated by one thing and one thing only: celebrities answering phones. That is the easily the best part of the whole show and yet they barely focus on it. That's what we want to see! So I'd do away with the boring stories and depressing music, and the entire 2 hours would be devoted to showing Aniston, Nicholson, DeNiro, et all answering phones and talking to random people.
But here's the second area where this show gets it wrong. When they do allow us to listen in on one of these conversations, which is rare, it's just a celebrity talking to a normal person about Haiti. For example, they showed Reese Witherspoon telling someone about how much their money was going to help.
What the hell? The last thing I want to hear Reese Witherspoon talk about is Haiti.
The solution is that each person who calls in to donate gets to ask a celebrity one question. But here's the catch: you don't know what celebrity you're gonna get when you call, so you have to come up with your question on the spot.
Can you imagine how awesome this would be?
"Hi, this is Reese Witherspoon, what's your question?"
"Uh...what is, where did...is Jake Gyllenhaal gay?"
Holy shit. You're watching that. You are preparing questions. You are donating. And you've got great TV. Hell, that's so good, NBC should put it on at 10:00. You don't even need commercials, you've got donations coming in. That's primetime gold, Jerry, gold!
Why are my talents being wasted? Someone needs to be me in charge of TV. Clooney's too busy fucking everyone and being awesome, I'm the loser who has the time to devote to these important matters.
If my memory serves, there have been 3 of these celebrity telethons in recent years. 1 after 9/11, another after Katrina, and now this one after the Haiti earthquake. There may have been one after the tsunami but I can't remember. If there wasn't, that's kind of rude.
Each one has followed the same format: a bunch of celebrities answering phones and pretending to take donations, even more important celebrities telling a somber story about the tragedy, and musical performances, usually collaborations of sad songs.
Before I get to my idea, isn't it interesting to think about the politics backstage at these things? How do you decide who gets to tell a story? How do the collabos take shape? Do D list celebrities offer to help and are turned down for being not famous enough? Can't you imagine Tara Reid trying to get in on that action?
All right, I know you're dying to know my solution, so here's how you make the show good:
Every time I watch it, I'm fascinated by one thing and one thing only: celebrities answering phones. That is the easily the best part of the whole show and yet they barely focus on it. That's what we want to see! So I'd do away with the boring stories and depressing music, and the entire 2 hours would be devoted to showing Aniston, Nicholson, DeNiro, et all answering phones and talking to random people.
But here's the second area where this show gets it wrong. When they do allow us to listen in on one of these conversations, which is rare, it's just a celebrity talking to a normal person about Haiti. For example, they showed Reese Witherspoon telling someone about how much their money was going to help.
What the hell? The last thing I want to hear Reese Witherspoon talk about is Haiti.
The solution is that each person who calls in to donate gets to ask a celebrity one question. But here's the catch: you don't know what celebrity you're gonna get when you call, so you have to come up with your question on the spot.
Can you imagine how awesome this would be?
"Hi, this is Reese Witherspoon, what's your question?"
"Uh...what is, where did...is Jake Gyllenhaal gay?"
Holy shit. You're watching that. You are preparing questions. You are donating. And you've got great TV. Hell, that's so good, NBC should put it on at 10:00. You don't even need commercials, you've got donations coming in. That's primetime gold, Jerry, gold!
Why are my talents being wasted? Someone needs to be me in charge of TV. Clooney's too busy fucking everyone and being awesome, I'm the loser who has the time to devote to these important matters.
Monday, January 25, 2010
The Dork Bachelor, Episode 4
Hello. It's that time of the week...
Chris shows up. Talks about some date stuff. And then he takes the ladies outside to reveal several RV's. Well, at least they're not helicopters. Turns out they are driving up the California coast in these Madden Cruisers. You know what that means: we're gonna get that great shot where one of the girls gets kicked off and is left on the side of the road. I love that.
Ella says she is excited to get on the "highway of love". Uh Ella, that's "wings" of love. Get it right. Jeffrey Osborne needs his residuals.
Jake rides alone on his moped and sets up a tent somewhere. Some men are meant to ride alone, my friends. And it's usually because they're from strict families so they can't admit their true tendencies. Jake says being outdoors is a big part of his life. Just like Ennis Del Mar...
The girls finally meet up with Jake and see the tent. Vienna giggles like a retard and once again brings up their one on one date. Had she ever been on a date before? Get over it. Of course, all the girls hate on this - as they should. She's the worst, and yet, you have to respect her confidence. She has absolutely no reason to have high self esteem, yet she does. God bless her.
Gia gets the one on one in the tent. Vienna says "Gia's a New Yorker and I don't think this is gonna be her ideal of a date". Easy for you to say, Vienna. Jake adds that Gia's a "city girl, from Manhattan". Are we in a western, right now? Stop with this city girl shit. 2 RVs, a tent, bottles of wine, and an army of producers is not exactly roughing it.
Can you people get on the Attractive Ellen Pompeo train? They're twins. But twins in the way that Patrick Swayze and Don Swayze were, where they look alike but one is good looking and the other is ugly.
Vienna continues to hate on Gia, who keep in mind, is the only girl in the house who is sort of her friend.
Jake takes Gia to a vineyard, and being a city girl, she's confused by the idea that wine doesn't just come out of the wine cellar at Nobu. Jake says "having Gia in my arms feels like the beginning of a fairy tale". Well, it's definitely a tale involving a fairy.
And then the best thing ever happens. Jake drops this gem on her:
"In the 9th grade, they used to call me 'Mr. Dateless'".
HA!!! Gia feigns surprise. Yeah, like that's so hard to believe. Maybe not a great topic to bring up to a swimsuit model. "Oh, you were that guy in high school. Now it all makes sense. Fuck off, dork".
Then they play spin the bottle. Spin the bottle with 2 people. Wonder what the results of that are gonna be. That's like Brett Favre in a playoff game, you know how it's going to end. But even the bottle won't cooperate so they have to mess with it to get kisses. Listen to the bottle, Gia!
Does anyone else notice how Jake has a tendency when he kisses to be in mid-makeout and then make a hasty retreat to the side of the girl's head into a hug? Just me? Okay.
Gia says the kiss was "the best kiss of her life". Don't make me hate you, Gia. I will if I have to. I've done it before, just ask Moanna.
Gia is baffled by being able to see the stars. Geez, maybe that city slicker thing was right. Uh oh, then she blows it. She says she wants 2 kids and she wants to adopt a kid from China. Huge mistake, Jake hates Chinese people. She also says that she hasn't felt like this in a year and a half, 2 years. That's how life is when you're hot. You think a dry spell is 2 years.
Group date is next. Jake rides his moped on the beach. I think that's illegal, or at the very least, douchey.
They ride on dune buggys. There's some competition over who gets to ride with Jake, and Ali steps up and makes it happen. Vienna says "have your 30 minutes because I'm gonna marry him".
Is there something about these shows that make you compete for something you don't even want? In other words, is it the fact that all these other girls are around that makes them all want to win more and think Jake is a prize? Has to be, cause if they were in a bar, only Vienna would be interested.
Jake and Corrie roll down a sand dune, accompanied by her extremely long face.
Jake gets alone time with Ashleigh. She has nothing to say, so Jake goes directly to the side of the head hug.
Tenley gets alone time and talks about what happened with her ex husband. She says when they were married, her ex didn't want anything to do with her. Jake and her ex have so much in common. Tenley is pretty good looking, I wanna meet this cop ex husband of hers. Actually, I wanna meet whoever he was banging.
Vienna gets her alone time and Jake lays the smack down! Wow, this guy surprises you sometimes. He tells her that "she brings the other girls hate on herself". Nice. And he says she acts different with him than with them and he doesn't like it. Welcome to the party, Jake.
Tenley gets the rose. Let's discuss her for a moment, shall we? Isn't it a little troubling when someone is that good looking and has been cheated on? I'd be troubled. You might wanna find out what the deal is, cause who knows? Maybe she's anti-blow job.
The final 2 on 1 date features Ella, aka single mom, and Katherine, aka we've never heard her talk. One girl stays, one girl goes! Let's hope this date takes place in the Thunderdome. Or at least a Thunder hot tub.
Gratuitous boob shot of Ella. Thanks, producers. I don't think she breast fed. If she did, God bless those boobs for withstanding that abuse.
Poor Katherine, she's doomed and she knows it. Ella says all the right things, Katherine once again says nothing. I wouldn't be surprised at this point if Randy Quaid came out and said, "Katherine was born without a tongue, Jake".
Ella says "with me, you get the whole package". Uh, can I get the whole package without the 10 year old kid? Cause I don't need that in my package. I'll just take the girl with none of the baggage and the pristine lady parts.
Oh boy. Jake totally wants to get rid of Ella and is pretending that there's something "special" about Katherine. If by special you mean she doesn't have a tongue, then yes. It's all bullshit because the truth is he's a conservative/religious nut who wants nothing to do with anyone's baby mama. She's a sinner and he'd rather have a mute.
And what happens next? Jake pulls Ella outside and dumps her ass! Told ya. Pretty rude of them to bring her kid out for this shit. Dammit. Instead of leaving her on the side of the road, there is somehow a limo there. Guess they only do that to dudes.
Hold the phone - now Jake is giving Katherine the heave ho speech. Damn! The rare double elimination. That is cold. She was almost gloating when he came back after getting rid of Ella. Now she's out too. The way this is going it looks like Jake is going to choose himself. This is gonna be over by next week. Some men ride alone.
Jake says "this is gonna be the first of many decisions that I'm gonna make that no one will understand". Really? Cause I think I understand it pritty, pritty...pritty, pritty good.
Jake and Corrie have alone time. What does he do? Side head hug! And with Corrie, there's a lot of side head to hug.
All of the sudden Jessie feels the need to trash Vienna. And she's never even talked before. Jessie feels very strongly that Vienna is the worst person in the world. Apparently, Vienna crashes cars all the time and her dad writes checks for her. That's not spoiled, that's dangerous. They don't like her because every time she drives, she's unsafe! They don't like her because she's dangerous!
Ali needs to settle down on the Vienna trash talking. As Sherri Shephard would probably say, focus on you, girl.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Prediction: Ashleigh is gone for sure.
ALI. No brainer. She's final 2 material. Yeah, I said it.
CORRIE. He wants to get some more of that side head.
Oh no, we've got tears. Jake cries. He walks outside, looking for Chris. He finds Chris outside huddled up with some producer people and a cameraman. What the hell were they expecting us to think was going on there? Jake says "I need some advice".
Okay, first of all. Chris stands in the background of the rose ceremony. Why? Because he has to do his famous "Ladies, Jake, this is the final rose of the evening" line. He doesn't stand out in some courtyard with a camera getting a smoke. Second of all...well, I guess that was it for the "of alls". But still, so weird and fake.
Jake asks if he has to give out both roses. Yes! I like this. Even if it is a producer setup, mad props for that one. Am I gonna do a 180 on Jake? I hope not, I enjoy hating him.
He explains that he only wants to keep one more girl and ditch the rest. Can't blame him. But again, we're getting close to a terrific "I choose me and a fabulous new life style" moment.
They come back and Chris tells the ladies that they're taking away one of the roses. And guess what Chris says? "Ladies, Jake, this is the final rose of the night". Thank you. That's why you're not allowed to go on smoke breaks. And the rose goes to:
VIENNA. Good Lord. Ali's gonna be pissed.
I wonder why he didn't wanna keep Jessie around. Maybe it's because of how she hated on Vienna, or maybe because her nose is weird.
Jake whispers to her, and he almost implies that he didn't want to keep Vienna around. Like maybe the producers made him. I don't know, that's just speculation.
Ashleigh: "Vienna over me? Really? Are you fucking kidding me?" And she has a point. I mean, really. Have you seen Vienna? Plus, she's lame. That's not a winning combination.
Next week: Vienna does something horrible with her hair.
That's all I got, thanks for reading, I appreciate all your comments. Even the dicky ones. Goodnight!
Chris shows up. Talks about some date stuff. And then he takes the ladies outside to reveal several RV's. Well, at least they're not helicopters. Turns out they are driving up the California coast in these Madden Cruisers. You know what that means: we're gonna get that great shot where one of the girls gets kicked off and is left on the side of the road. I love that.
Ella says she is excited to get on the "highway of love". Uh Ella, that's "wings" of love. Get it right. Jeffrey Osborne needs his residuals.
Jake rides alone on his moped and sets up a tent somewhere. Some men are meant to ride alone, my friends. And it's usually because they're from strict families so they can't admit their true tendencies. Jake says being outdoors is a big part of his life. Just like Ennis Del Mar...
The girls finally meet up with Jake and see the tent. Vienna giggles like a retard and once again brings up their one on one date. Had she ever been on a date before? Get over it. Of course, all the girls hate on this - as they should. She's the worst, and yet, you have to respect her confidence. She has absolutely no reason to have high self esteem, yet she does. God bless her.
Gia gets the one on one in the tent. Vienna says "Gia's a New Yorker and I don't think this is gonna be her ideal of a date". Easy for you to say, Vienna. Jake adds that Gia's a "city girl, from Manhattan". Are we in a western, right now? Stop with this city girl shit. 2 RVs, a tent, bottles of wine, and an army of producers is not exactly roughing it.
Can you people get on the Attractive Ellen Pompeo train? They're twins. But twins in the way that Patrick Swayze and Don Swayze were, where they look alike but one is good looking and the other is ugly.
Vienna continues to hate on Gia, who keep in mind, is the only girl in the house who is sort of her friend.
Jake takes Gia to a vineyard, and being a city girl, she's confused by the idea that wine doesn't just come out of the wine cellar at Nobu. Jake says "having Gia in my arms feels like the beginning of a fairy tale". Well, it's definitely a tale involving a fairy.
And then the best thing ever happens. Jake drops this gem on her:
"In the 9th grade, they used to call me 'Mr. Dateless'".
HA!!! Gia feigns surprise. Yeah, like that's so hard to believe. Maybe not a great topic to bring up to a swimsuit model. "Oh, you were that guy in high school. Now it all makes sense. Fuck off, dork".
Then they play spin the bottle. Spin the bottle with 2 people. Wonder what the results of that are gonna be. That's like Brett Favre in a playoff game, you know how it's going to end. But even the bottle won't cooperate so they have to mess with it to get kisses. Listen to the bottle, Gia!
Does anyone else notice how Jake has a tendency when he kisses to be in mid-makeout and then make a hasty retreat to the side of the girl's head into a hug? Just me? Okay.
Gia says the kiss was "the best kiss of her life". Don't make me hate you, Gia. I will if I have to. I've done it before, just ask Moanna.
Gia is baffled by being able to see the stars. Geez, maybe that city slicker thing was right. Uh oh, then she blows it. She says she wants 2 kids and she wants to adopt a kid from China. Huge mistake, Jake hates Chinese people. She also says that she hasn't felt like this in a year and a half, 2 years. That's how life is when you're hot. You think a dry spell is 2 years.
Group date is next. Jake rides his moped on the beach. I think that's illegal, or at the very least, douchey.
They ride on dune buggys. There's some competition over who gets to ride with Jake, and Ali steps up and makes it happen. Vienna says "have your 30 minutes because I'm gonna marry him".
Is there something about these shows that make you compete for something you don't even want? In other words, is it the fact that all these other girls are around that makes them all want to win more and think Jake is a prize? Has to be, cause if they were in a bar, only Vienna would be interested.
Jake and Corrie roll down a sand dune, accompanied by her extremely long face.
Jake gets alone time with Ashleigh. She has nothing to say, so Jake goes directly to the side of the head hug.
Tenley gets alone time and talks about what happened with her ex husband. She says when they were married, her ex didn't want anything to do with her. Jake and her ex have so much in common. Tenley is pretty good looking, I wanna meet this cop ex husband of hers. Actually, I wanna meet whoever he was banging.
Vienna gets her alone time and Jake lays the smack down! Wow, this guy surprises you sometimes. He tells her that "she brings the other girls hate on herself". Nice. And he says she acts different with him than with them and he doesn't like it. Welcome to the party, Jake.
Tenley gets the rose. Let's discuss her for a moment, shall we? Isn't it a little troubling when someone is that good looking and has been cheated on? I'd be troubled. You might wanna find out what the deal is, cause who knows? Maybe she's anti-blow job.
The final 2 on 1 date features Ella, aka single mom, and Katherine, aka we've never heard her talk. One girl stays, one girl goes! Let's hope this date takes place in the Thunderdome. Or at least a Thunder hot tub.
Gratuitous boob shot of Ella. Thanks, producers. I don't think she breast fed. If she did, God bless those boobs for withstanding that abuse.
Poor Katherine, she's doomed and she knows it. Ella says all the right things, Katherine once again says nothing. I wouldn't be surprised at this point if Randy Quaid came out and said, "Katherine was born without a tongue, Jake".
Ella says "with me, you get the whole package". Uh, can I get the whole package without the 10 year old kid? Cause I don't need that in my package. I'll just take the girl with none of the baggage and the pristine lady parts.
Oh boy. Jake totally wants to get rid of Ella and is pretending that there's something "special" about Katherine. If by special you mean she doesn't have a tongue, then yes. It's all bullshit because the truth is he's a conservative/religious nut who wants nothing to do with anyone's baby mama. She's a sinner and he'd rather have a mute.
And what happens next? Jake pulls Ella outside and dumps her ass! Told ya. Pretty rude of them to bring her kid out for this shit. Dammit. Instead of leaving her on the side of the road, there is somehow a limo there. Guess they only do that to dudes.
Hold the phone - now Jake is giving Katherine the heave ho speech. Damn! The rare double elimination. That is cold. She was almost gloating when he came back after getting rid of Ella. Now she's out too. The way this is going it looks like Jake is going to choose himself. This is gonna be over by next week. Some men ride alone.
Jake says "this is gonna be the first of many decisions that I'm gonna make that no one will understand". Really? Cause I think I understand it pritty, pritty...pritty, pritty good.
Jake and Corrie have alone time. What does he do? Side head hug! And with Corrie, there's a lot of side head to hug.
All of the sudden Jessie feels the need to trash Vienna. And she's never even talked before. Jessie feels very strongly that Vienna is the worst person in the world. Apparently, Vienna crashes cars all the time and her dad writes checks for her. That's not spoiled, that's dangerous. They don't like her because every time she drives, she's unsafe! They don't like her because she's dangerous!
Ali needs to settle down on the Vienna trash talking. As Sherri Shephard would probably say, focus on you, girl.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Prediction: Ashleigh is gone for sure.
ALI. No brainer. She's final 2 material. Yeah, I said it.
CORRIE. He wants to get some more of that side head.
Oh no, we've got tears. Jake cries. He walks outside, looking for Chris. He finds Chris outside huddled up with some producer people and a cameraman. What the hell were they expecting us to think was going on there? Jake says "I need some advice".
Okay, first of all. Chris stands in the background of the rose ceremony. Why? Because he has to do his famous "Ladies, Jake, this is the final rose of the evening" line. He doesn't stand out in some courtyard with a camera getting a smoke. Second of all...well, I guess that was it for the "of alls". But still, so weird and fake.
Jake asks if he has to give out both roses. Yes! I like this. Even if it is a producer setup, mad props for that one. Am I gonna do a 180 on Jake? I hope not, I enjoy hating him.
He explains that he only wants to keep one more girl and ditch the rest. Can't blame him. But again, we're getting close to a terrific "I choose me and a fabulous new life style" moment.
They come back and Chris tells the ladies that they're taking away one of the roses. And guess what Chris says? "Ladies, Jake, this is the final rose of the night". Thank you. That's why you're not allowed to go on smoke breaks. And the rose goes to:
VIENNA. Good Lord. Ali's gonna be pissed.
I wonder why he didn't wanna keep Jessie around. Maybe it's because of how she hated on Vienna, or maybe because her nose is weird.
Jake whispers to her, and he almost implies that he didn't want to keep Vienna around. Like maybe the producers made him. I don't know, that's just speculation.
Ashleigh: "Vienna over me? Really? Are you fucking kidding me?" And she has a point. I mean, really. Have you seen Vienna? Plus, she's lame. That's not a winning combination.
Next week: Vienna does something horrible with her hair.
That's all I got, thanks for reading, I appreciate all your comments. Even the dicky ones. Goodnight!
Friday, January 22, 2010
The Greatest Story Ever Told
I discovered a website today that just plays episodes of "Seinfeld" in order back to back to back without commercials. So I'm pretty sure it's the greatest site of all time, and that I will never get any work done ever.
In honor of that, here is the greatest story ever told on television...
In honor of that, here is the greatest story ever told on television...
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
If Only I Was Racist
Basketball league for white Americans targets Augusta
By Billy Byler| Staff Writer
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
A new professional basketball league boasting rosters made up exclusively of white Americans has its eyes set on Augusta, but the team isn't receiving a warm welcome.
The All-American Basketball Alliance announced in a news release Sunday evening that it intends to start its inaugural season in June and hopes Augusta will be one of 12 cities with a team.
"Only players that are natural born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play in the league," the statement said.
Don "Moose" Lewis, the commissioner of the AABA, said the reasoning behind the league's roster restrictions is not racism.
"There's nothing hatred about what we're doing," he said. "I don't hate anyone of color. But people of white, American-born citizens are in the minority now. Here's a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like."
Oh man, life is so much easier when you exclude people who are better than you. You know what's sad so though? Even in the AWA - All White Association - I'm still only a John Stockton or Luke Ridnour. I'm so white that I'd be the token white guy of an all white league.
And would've guessed that this brilliant idea originated in Georgia?
In a way, there already is an all white pro league. It's called the WNBA. Think about it: there's no dunking, it's all about fundamentals, and it's horrible to watch.
Monday, January 18, 2010
The Dork Bachelor, Episode 3
Got a late start tonight, damn you, bathroom renovation and "For Love of Ray J". Let's get going...
Chris Harrison comes out in a very deep V, that's V-neck to you and me. What is this, casual Friday's? Put on a tie and class it up, Harrison. I have to say though: It's the most dramatic deep V in Bachelor history!
Gross Vienna gets a one on one date. She's a man, dude. In a surprise twist, Michelle is not happy with this. She says, "I'm an attractive person, and Vienna is the total opposite of me, on the outside". Wow. Go Michelle, saying what we're all thinking. But at least Vienna is not bat shit, so she's got that going for her, which is nice.
While getting ready, we may or may not see Ali's nipple, at least according to my sister. There definitely was some partial areola to be seen. Jake and Vienna get on his moped and put put off. BUT before that happens, they very clearly show Vienna's bags packed near the door. Foreshadowing? Is this one on one just a ruse to kick this dude to the curb? Let's find out!
Jake describes Vienna as "intense". And once again, says that she's "out of his comfort zone". What are you talking about? She's right in your comfort zone - she's a guy, guy!
Oh fuck me, a helicopter shows up. Does anyone remember my genius idea of "The Bachelor" buying it's own helicopter since they use helicopters in every season? Why aren't they listening to me? And why does stupid air travel have to be in every date? There's nothing wrong with a good walk, or segway ride. You want excitement? Strap on a helmet and lean forward.
They fly to a bridge where a bungee is setup. Why does love on this show always involve risking your life? You're not gonna be living happily ever after when you're dead on the bottom of a river bed.
Jake is freaked out. Why? Because he's scared of heights. Yeah, he's a pilot. Not exactly Sully Sullenberger over here. They kiss while hanging upside down. Finally, I've found a girl who I'd want to kiss less than Kirsten Dunst while hanging upside down.
What's funny about this whole sequence is that Jake totally became the lady while Vienna was the comforting man.
Jake does not feel like a real person to me. It's always like he's playing the part of "Jake the bachelor pilot". I don't think he's figured things out with himself yet. One thing is for sure though, whoever he actually is, is also a dork.
Later, they get in a hot tub and Jake gives her a rose. So much for the foreshadowing. Vienna says she is "on cloud Jake right now". Cloud Jake is very close to cloud 9, but in the gay section of clouds. It's West Hollywood to 9's Hollywood.
Vienna comes home and blabs about her entire date including the kiss. She's asked about it, then says "I don't kiss and tell". Except when you just did. The girls hate her and are pretty open about her not being good looking. They are all stunned she made it back. Obviously, they don't know Jake. He's a friend to fugly.
Group date. They go to a comedy club and meet John Lovitz, yeah, that's the (unfortunate) ticket. So sad. They're going to be performing "comedy". Wait, they don't know that they're already performing comedy?
Back at the house, Ella - the single mom who hasn't been on a date - gets a one on one. She's stoked. She knows it's with Jake, right?
The girls have to perform for an audience. It goes exactly how you would think. Biggest surprise? Of all the ladies, the most tan is Lovitz. Elizabeth the no kisser goes up and suddenly turns into Richard Pryor. She works blue. Yeah, blue balls.
Psycho Michelle is so psycho on stage that I get uncomfortable and can't watch. Actually, all of them make me uncomfortable. I hate when they do this. Let's keep the focus on hot tubs where it belongs.
Corrie goes up and does her whole routine about how horrible Vienna is. Nice! Jake does not approve. He might have to kick her off cloud Jake.
Tenley pulls Jake aside, and reveals that she was married. Her husband cheated on her after she saved herself for him. She cries. Jake empathizes, hell he should - he's already been cheating on after 3 days of being on this show.
Ashleigh gets alone time and hates on Vienna. Damn, they really hate that chick. What does she do? You'd think she'd have a great personality to make up for her other shortcomings.
Back at the house, the OTHER girls confront Vienna. Vienna doesn't take this well. Gia is the chief prosecutor, but seems to be the only one who might be willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. Gia is Attractive Ellen Pompeo. It's freaky. I wonder if she's into creepy black guys too. She is henceforth to be called Attractive Ellen.
Vienna says the other girls hate her because "I'm real and I say it how it is!". Yeah, people hate that.
On the date, Ali gets alone time. I love this woman. Run, Ali! Run! He's a dork. You can do a million times better! But she doesn't hear me. She continues to hang out with Jake. And guess what? She hates on Vienna too! Talk about not here to make friends, Vienna is setting some kind of record.
Then everyone gangs up on Michelle because she's a psycho hosebeast. You can't talk to crazy people, Ali. Don't even try. Michelle gets alone time and begs Jake to kiss her. He clearly doesn't want to. They do and it's terrible. She says, "you're gonna have to do better than that". He doesn't want to, nor can he.
She suddenly tells him that she's leaving. But basically, she wants him to beg her to stay but he's not doing it. He says "I think it would be better if you did leave". This shocks her. Why? Cause she's a crazy person. I once went out with a girl who would always do stuff in order to make me go "no, please stay! no, you do look great! No, you are the best!" Ugh, the worst. I'm the last person you want reassuring you of shit. I don't really care either way on almost everything in life.
He doesn't give anybody a rose. He looks miserable - he had the worst date ever. Not because of these girls - well, Michelle - but because he discovered that Vienna is the worst person in the world.
Time for Ella's date. She is cute. Though her vagina's been irreparably damaged. He picks her up in a, you guessed it, helicopter! That could be "The Bachelor" official helicopter, but no, nobody listens to Irwin.
The chopper takes Jake and Ella to SeaWorld in San Diego. Jake surprises her by having her son there. She cries. Well this is romantic. Jake and the kid share an awkward handshake. "I'm your new dad!" These poor kids. They're the real victims here.
Poor Ella, she has a giant zit on her cheek. And even worse, a really old kid.
Next, Jake, Ella, and her son get in the hot tub together. Just kidding. Actually, the truth is even more disturbing. A black SUV pulls over and whisks the kid away. He's gonna make some therapist a great patient one day.
The night of the rose ceremony. Elizabeth gets alone time and asks Jake if he's good at massages. Jake says something right for once "she is the queen of mixed signals". I hate her so much. She is the worst, Yes, even worse than Vienna. Don't tell Ali I think that. By the way, Elizabeth, you're not 29 and you can keep your stupid kisses.
Jake confronts her about it. Yes! Finally, a Jake I can get behind. Wait, that came out wrong. I don't want to actually get behind him, oh, nevermind. He says, "i feel like you're teasing me, and that's not right". Thank you. She can't explain before Vienna gets in the way. Ha! Bitch.
Of course, Elizabeth totally misinterprets what Jake was saying. She's like. "I don't get why he's pressuring me to kiss him!" That's not it, you dumb motherfucker. No kissing is fine, especially if the person you're not kissing is Vienna - just don't be a damn cock tease.
Jake tries to explain it again and again she does not get it. It's like talking to stupid Michelle. In a way, these girls are a lot like Jake. Okay to look at, but completely retarded in all other ways. It's funny cause you can see the look on Jake's face after this Elizabeth interaction like, "I never thought I'd be better than anyone, but maybe I am".
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Can we just make it the Attract Ellen and Ali show right now? I hate everyone else. Then again, since this is bizarro bachelor, I don't want either of them to end up with this douche. So confusing.
ATTRACTIVE ELLEN (GIA) - Hellz yeah, or no, or, fuck.
CORRIE - Why the long face?
TENLEY - Still an eightley.
ALI - Yep.
JESSE - One of three women who did not say a word this episode.
CATHERINE - There's another. Literally, not one word.
ASHLEIGH - Wow.
Bye, bye Elizabeth. Go not kiss some other dudes, see how that works out. Have to give mad props to Jake for this one, and I never thought I'd say that. But screw her. She sucks. You could really see how much Jake was annoyed with her right before this, good to see that that was real.
Of course, dumbass says "I shoulda kissed you". IT'S NOT ABOUT THAT, YOU IDIOT! So lame. She says she can go out with any guy she wants any day of the week. Well, guess what, sweetie? The worst bachelor ever just got rid of you and kept Vienna. You're not 22 anymore, and fyi, your boobs are weird.
Until next week, goodnight!
Chris Harrison comes out in a very deep V, that's V-neck to you and me. What is this, casual Friday's? Put on a tie and class it up, Harrison. I have to say though: It's the most dramatic deep V in Bachelor history!
Gross Vienna gets a one on one date. She's a man, dude. In a surprise twist, Michelle is not happy with this. She says, "I'm an attractive person, and Vienna is the total opposite of me, on the outside". Wow. Go Michelle, saying what we're all thinking. But at least Vienna is not bat shit, so she's got that going for her, which is nice.
While getting ready, we may or may not see Ali's nipple, at least according to my sister. There definitely was some partial areola to be seen. Jake and Vienna get on his moped and put put off. BUT before that happens, they very clearly show Vienna's bags packed near the door. Foreshadowing? Is this one on one just a ruse to kick this dude to the curb? Let's find out!
Jake describes Vienna as "intense". And once again, says that she's "out of his comfort zone". What are you talking about? She's right in your comfort zone - she's a guy, guy!
Oh fuck me, a helicopter shows up. Does anyone remember my genius idea of "The Bachelor" buying it's own helicopter since they use helicopters in every season? Why aren't they listening to me? And why does stupid air travel have to be in every date? There's nothing wrong with a good walk, or segway ride. You want excitement? Strap on a helmet and lean forward.
They fly to a bridge where a bungee is setup. Why does love on this show always involve risking your life? You're not gonna be living happily ever after when you're dead on the bottom of a river bed.
Jake is freaked out. Why? Because he's scared of heights. Yeah, he's a pilot. Not exactly Sully Sullenberger over here. They kiss while hanging upside down. Finally, I've found a girl who I'd want to kiss less than Kirsten Dunst while hanging upside down.
What's funny about this whole sequence is that Jake totally became the lady while Vienna was the comforting man.
Jake does not feel like a real person to me. It's always like he's playing the part of "Jake the bachelor pilot". I don't think he's figured things out with himself yet. One thing is for sure though, whoever he actually is, is also a dork.
Later, they get in a hot tub and Jake gives her a rose. So much for the foreshadowing. Vienna says she is "on cloud Jake right now". Cloud Jake is very close to cloud 9, but in the gay section of clouds. It's West Hollywood to 9's Hollywood.
Vienna comes home and blabs about her entire date including the kiss. She's asked about it, then says "I don't kiss and tell". Except when you just did. The girls hate her and are pretty open about her not being good looking. They are all stunned she made it back. Obviously, they don't know Jake. He's a friend to fugly.
Group date. They go to a comedy club and meet John Lovitz, yeah, that's the (unfortunate) ticket. So sad. They're going to be performing "comedy". Wait, they don't know that they're already performing comedy?
Back at the house, Ella - the single mom who hasn't been on a date - gets a one on one. She's stoked. She knows it's with Jake, right?
The girls have to perform for an audience. It goes exactly how you would think. Biggest surprise? Of all the ladies, the most tan is Lovitz. Elizabeth the no kisser goes up and suddenly turns into Richard Pryor. She works blue. Yeah, blue balls.
Psycho Michelle is so psycho on stage that I get uncomfortable and can't watch. Actually, all of them make me uncomfortable. I hate when they do this. Let's keep the focus on hot tubs where it belongs.
Corrie goes up and does her whole routine about how horrible Vienna is. Nice! Jake does not approve. He might have to kick her off cloud Jake.
Tenley pulls Jake aside, and reveals that she was married. Her husband cheated on her after she saved herself for him. She cries. Jake empathizes, hell he should - he's already been cheating on after 3 days of being on this show.
Ashleigh gets alone time and hates on Vienna. Damn, they really hate that chick. What does she do? You'd think she'd have a great personality to make up for her other shortcomings.
Back at the house, the OTHER girls confront Vienna. Vienna doesn't take this well. Gia is the chief prosecutor, but seems to be the only one who might be willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. Gia is Attractive Ellen Pompeo. It's freaky. I wonder if she's into creepy black guys too. She is henceforth to be called Attractive Ellen.
Vienna says the other girls hate her because "I'm real and I say it how it is!". Yeah, people hate that.
On the date, Ali gets alone time. I love this woman. Run, Ali! Run! He's a dork. You can do a million times better! But she doesn't hear me. She continues to hang out with Jake. And guess what? She hates on Vienna too! Talk about not here to make friends, Vienna is setting some kind of record.
Then everyone gangs up on Michelle because she's a psycho hosebeast. You can't talk to crazy people, Ali. Don't even try. Michelle gets alone time and begs Jake to kiss her. He clearly doesn't want to. They do and it's terrible. She says, "you're gonna have to do better than that". He doesn't want to, nor can he.
She suddenly tells him that she's leaving. But basically, she wants him to beg her to stay but he's not doing it. He says "I think it would be better if you did leave". This shocks her. Why? Cause she's a crazy person. I once went out with a girl who would always do stuff in order to make me go "no, please stay! no, you do look great! No, you are the best!" Ugh, the worst. I'm the last person you want reassuring you of shit. I don't really care either way on almost everything in life.
He doesn't give anybody a rose. He looks miserable - he had the worst date ever. Not because of these girls - well, Michelle - but because he discovered that Vienna is the worst person in the world.
Time for Ella's date. She is cute. Though her vagina's been irreparably damaged. He picks her up in a, you guessed it, helicopter! That could be "The Bachelor" official helicopter, but no, nobody listens to Irwin.
The chopper takes Jake and Ella to SeaWorld in San Diego. Jake surprises her by having her son there. She cries. Well this is romantic. Jake and the kid share an awkward handshake. "I'm your new dad!" These poor kids. They're the real victims here.
Poor Ella, she has a giant zit on her cheek. And even worse, a really old kid.
Next, Jake, Ella, and her son get in the hot tub together. Just kidding. Actually, the truth is even more disturbing. A black SUV pulls over and whisks the kid away. He's gonna make some therapist a great patient one day.
The night of the rose ceremony. Elizabeth gets alone time and asks Jake if he's good at massages. Jake says something right for once "she is the queen of mixed signals". I hate her so much. She is the worst, Yes, even worse than Vienna. Don't tell Ali I think that. By the way, Elizabeth, you're not 29 and you can keep your stupid kisses.
Jake confronts her about it. Yes! Finally, a Jake I can get behind. Wait, that came out wrong. I don't want to actually get behind him, oh, nevermind. He says, "i feel like you're teasing me, and that's not right". Thank you. She can't explain before Vienna gets in the way. Ha! Bitch.
Of course, Elizabeth totally misinterprets what Jake was saying. She's like. "I don't get why he's pressuring me to kiss him!" That's not it, you dumb motherfucker. No kissing is fine, especially if the person you're not kissing is Vienna - just don't be a damn cock tease.
Jake tries to explain it again and again she does not get it. It's like talking to stupid Michelle. In a way, these girls are a lot like Jake. Okay to look at, but completely retarded in all other ways. It's funny cause you can see the look on Jake's face after this Elizabeth interaction like, "I never thought I'd be better than anyone, but maybe I am".
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Can we just make it the Attract Ellen and Ali show right now? I hate everyone else. Then again, since this is bizarro bachelor, I don't want either of them to end up with this douche. So confusing.
ATTRACTIVE ELLEN (GIA) - Hellz yeah, or no, or, fuck.
CORRIE - Why the long face?
TENLEY - Still an eightley.
ALI - Yep.
JESSE - One of three women who did not say a word this episode.
CATHERINE - There's another. Literally, not one word.
ASHLEIGH - Wow.
Bye, bye Elizabeth. Go not kiss some other dudes, see how that works out. Have to give mad props to Jake for this one, and I never thought I'd say that. But screw her. She sucks. You could really see how much Jake was annoyed with her right before this, good to see that that was real.
Of course, dumbass says "I shoulda kissed you". IT'S NOT ABOUT THAT, YOU IDIOT! So lame. She says she can go out with any guy she wants any day of the week. Well, guess what, sweetie? The worst bachelor ever just got rid of you and kept Vienna. You're not 22 anymore, and fyi, your boobs are weird.
Until next week, goodnight!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Tosh.O 2nd Season Premiere Wednesday, 10:30pm
Last summer, I received a call from the director of what was to become "The Jay Leno Show". She asked me if I would submit a packet for the show and I said I would. I wrote up some "great" Leno bits, and I never heard a word back.
Obviously, they had some supreme talent over so I take no offense. I could never come up with interviewing someone via satellite who is also in Los Angeles and calling it the "Ten at Ten". That's branding. That's professional television.
Now, if you would've told me at that time that "Tosh.O" would outlast "The Jay Leno Show", I would've been shocked. Not because Jay Leno got cancelled, that makes total sense, but that Tosh was still on. We don't have what you'd call high self esteem over here. But hey, we're cheap and adorable.
Check it out tonight at 10:30 to find out what Daniel is wearing this season. That's right, cardigans and hoodies are last year's news. See what is in for 2010...
Obviously, they had some supreme talent over so I take no offense. I could never come up with interviewing someone via satellite who is also in Los Angeles and calling it the "Ten at Ten". That's branding. That's professional television.
Now, if you would've told me at that time that "Tosh.O" would outlast "The Jay Leno Show", I would've been shocked. Not because Jay Leno got cancelled, that makes total sense, but that Tosh was still on. We don't have what you'd call high self esteem over here. But hey, we're cheap and adorable.
Check it out tonight at 10:30 to find out what Daniel is wearing this season. That's right, cardigans and hoodies are last year's news. See what is in for 2010...
I Don't Know How I Feel About This
ABC orders 'Bachelor' all-stars spin-off
Exclusive: ABC has ordered a spinoff of its hit "Bachelor" franchise in which former contestants will live together in a "Big Brother"-style house.
Titled "Bachelor Pad," the series produced by Mike Fleiss' Next Entertainment in association with Warner Horizon will bring back 20 memorable contestants from the previous 13 cycles of "The Bachelor" and five editions of "The Bachelorette." The program will represent the first "all-stars" reunion series for the franchise.
Executive producer Martin Hilton said the concept was inspired by the real-life relationships that have continued among former "Bachelor" casts.
"All these people have been friends, been enemies, they date each other and bring all this great backstory to the show," Hilton said. "It seemed like there was an opportunity to combine that world with a new competitive reality show."
Contestants will live together in a house and compete in challenges, with some competitions inspired by incidents from past seasons. Each episode will conclude with evictions from the residence.
ABC has ordered seven episodes, with "Bachelor" host Chris Harrison on board to emcee. Although scheduling plans are not set, expect ABC to premiere the show in the late summer coming out of the "Bachelorette" finale. It's not clear whether the show will air opposite CBS' venerable "Big Brother" franchise, which has continued to perform solidly for that network across multiple nights each summer.
With "Bachelor" debuting Monday and "Bachelorette" typically launching at the start of summer, the addition of "Bachelor Pad" gives ABC a version of the franchise on the air year-around except for the fall.
Names of the cast have not yet been released, but Hilton said that top players, including former winners, are on board.
Last week, "Bachelor" returned and proved it's still going strong, climbing slightly in the ratings for its 14th edition.
Monday, January 11, 2010
The Dork Bachelor, Episode 2
What happened last week? 1) The lone minority chick mentioned something about her landing strip and was promptly eliminated. 2) The women are surprisingly good looking this year and far too good for Jake. And 3) the resident psycho is the best looking psycho the show has ever had. Let's move on...
Group dates are going to happen. Jake walks in with a shirt that seriously needs to be buttoned up. I don't think it counts as having a good body if you're under 5'6". No matter how many situps you do, you're still a short dude. Sorry.
The first date is at a hotel in Santa Monica. A gay guy (not Jake) reveals that the girls are going to be doing a photo shoot for InStyle magazine. The girls freak out. I freak out. InStyle! O to the M-G. Whatever, I think it's just an excuse to see hot Rozlyn and Gia in their skivvies.
Rozlyn's all cocky about her modeling experience. She's "mostly in bridal magazines". She then shits on Gia, who "does lingerie shoots", and gives her the thumbs down. Unfortunately, men give lingerie shoots two thumbs and one wiener up.
Rozlyn puts her leg up to Jake during their photo shoot and reveals some beav! It wouldn't be the first beav in UsWeekly. They blur it out, of course, but let's all use our imaginations. Do you know there are guys who consider themselves to be "vagina men"? Isn't that weird? The problem with being a vagina man is you have to get into position to see the vagina. That can take me years of indirect flirting.
It's so hard to watch this show and not think about the girls not liking him at all. I'm not buying any of this Jake love.
Gia gets some alone time. She looks a lot like Ellen Pompeo but attractive and a little latin. Let's just say she is right up Irwin's alley. I only wish Brad (or was it Chad?!) could've gotten a chance with her. That's how gay I am, I want the girl I like for Brad because I like Brad even more.
In a huge upset, they all get in a hot tub. Bikinis happen. I cannot overstate how hot Rozlyn and Gia are. This is such a waste of talent.
Back at the house, the girls receive a box with a diamond necklace and lose their fucking minds. Oh women, why are you so predictable? Psycho Michelle rips it out of another girl's hands and throws it around her neck. She is a legitimate crazy person.
Hot Rozlyn grabs Jake's face and kisses him. Gross. But this girl knows what she is doing, and she has to be a fantastic actress. Cause it looks like she actually likes him. Jake says that she's "out of his comfort zone". Probably cause she has lady parts.
Should we discuss the "Jake is gay" vibe we're all feeling right now? It's there, we all know it, we all feel it. It's strange, cause you can just tell he's oddly super religious. So it's a mix of a promise keepers/gay thing, I don't know yet. We'll explore it, back to the show.
Rozlyn predictably gets the rose on the date. Who knew that being really hot and mouth raping a guy would work?
There is some talk that Rozlyn will do anything for a rose and may not "be here for the right reasons". This may rear its ugly head in a little bit. Stay tuned.
It turns out, Ally gets the necklace and the one on one date. And in another huge upset, she cries her eyes out over it. Now remember, this is the girl I predicted would "win" the whole thing. Her lame reaction only bolsters my confidence in that.
Jake picks her up on his moped. It might as well be his small dick. Such a tool.
They go to an airport and Jake is going to fly her in a tiny plane. Tiny like his body. Ally's the girl who told him she hates to fly. Isn't that a little rude? Jake is like one of these assholes who don't believe I really hate dogs and then pushes their dog on me to somehow show me how great dogs are. No, screw you. Just believe me, I hate them. She hates what you love, deal with it.
As they fly, the song "On the Wings of Love" plays and it feels unintentionally hilarious. So corny. Just like Jake. I have a feeling he's watching this and thinking it's so "romantic". I just realized this season is subtitled "On the Wings of Love". Cash those checks, Jeffrey Osbourne.
By the way, Ally is really cute and it hurts me to say that since she's gonna win. But dammit, she's adorable and it's not fair.
Back at the house, I forgot about Vienna. Holy Lord, she is homely. She's in the next group date, but psycho Michelle isn't. I'm sure she's gonna be fine with that.
Back at the date, Jake reveals another one of his "surprises". This guy, he's so crafty in planning these dates. Chicago plays a private concert for them. You know how it's so stupid how these girls proclaim love after meeting the guy for 2 seconds? It's ridiculous. Unfortunately, I'm now in love with Ally. Too bad she's insane and tainted with Jake stank.
Final group date. They go to Six Flags. You know what I like about Jake: he's so spontaneous and an adrenaline junkie.
Back at the house, Michelle is packing her shit because she's leaving. What a surprise. It's so weird because she's pretty cute, why is she like this? Don't guys in the real world like her? Maybe they do until they get to know her.
Early favorite Elizabeth, who looked amazing last episode, doesn't quite hold up in episode 2. Not sure what happened. Too much sun or something. She gets alone time and reads him a letter. She doesn't want Jake to kiss her until she's the last girl. What a nice, sneaky way not to have to kiss him and yet be on the show for as long as possible. How convenient.
Vienna, yikes, gets alone time. She has to tell Jake a "secret". Virgin alert! Nope. Turns out that when she was 17 she was engaged to her "Pastor's son". After this, the Pastor's son married someone else and had a kid. For some reason, this made her elope with some other dude. They got divorced 4 months later. This is the most complicated secret ever. And it must be so confusing for Jake: Pastor = good, elope = bad, Vienna's face = unfortunate.
Vienna says that she "really wants the rose tonight". I wonder if she doesn't get it if she'll elope with someone else.
Elizabeth gets the rose. Maybe because she doesn't go on reactionary elopements and cause she's good looking.
Elizabeth totally loses me. She says "I'm playing so hard to get because that's what I deserve". Then she says "I'm a really good kisser", and then "Do you want to kiss me?" Then she leans in and goes "no you cannot!". This is the worst girl in the world. Okay no, Sammi Sweetheart from Jersey Shore is, but she is second worst.
At the house for eliminations, Michelle is still there. She didn't leave. Damn empty threats. Jake pulls Ella aside - she didn't get a date - I kinda forgot about her. She's kinda sexy, and oh yeah she has an 8! year old kid. Jake is probably only keeping her around because that's what Jesus would do.
Michelle demonstrates more craziness with Jake. Geesh. Where do they find these people? I just hope she doesn't give all office managers from Anaheim a bad name.
Meanwhile, Chris Harrison comes in and asks Rozlyn to step outside. Holy crap! Chris finally broke down and has fallen in love with one of the girls. Unfortunately, not. Chris says to Rozlyn:
"Rozlyn you have entered into an inappropriate relationship with one of our staffers. That staffer is no longer with us."
Yes!!!
How perfect is it that Jake has already been cheated on? That's like if a guy tried to have sex with gross Jillian and couldn't get it up. Oh wait, that happened too! Amazing. I told you she had to be pretending. Not only was she pretending, she was mouth raping key grips, cameramen, and God knows who else too. What a woman.
But here's the best part. As Chris is going through this with her, which appears to be hard for him to do, Rozlyn does not say anything. And then when finally does say something, she is defiant. She doesn't think she's done anything wrong at all. She says "I don't think my personal life is anybody's business". Damn. She's got some nerve (and some boobs) on her.
Chris finally lays it on her: "Go pack your stuff, and get the fuck out". Okay, not that last part, but that's the sentiment. It's awesome. Rozlyn doesn't think it's fair. This chick is badass. She almost has to be forced to leave. That bitch wanted that rose and she didn't care who she needed to bang to get it! Respect.
Chris tells Jake. He's stunned. Okay, not stunned, this has to have happened to him many, many times.
The girls are stoked, there goes the hottest girl. I'm bummed, there goes the hottest girl.
Jake makes a teary eyed speech, telling them "if anyone else is unsure, pull me aside right now and let's talk about it..." Immediately all of the girls pull him aside to talk about it. Just kidding. Instead, psycho Michelle tells him they all love him.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
VIENNA - out of the gate? Really? This is upsetting. I guess he needs a safe backup in case the rest of the girls are already cheating on him too.
GIA - yes! Thank you. We need someone to look at.
TENLEY - didn't get a lot of face time this episode, but she's quality. Remember, I previously gave her an eightly.
ELLA - single mother.
ALICIA - literally did not say a word this episode. Not one.
CORY - Meh.
JESSE - she is Maryanne from Gilligan's Island.
ASHLEY - Looks good in a bikini, bad in everything else.
MICHELLE - Psycho for a psycho.
KATHERINE - Yet another girl we heard nothing from.
And that's it. A lot of people who got eliminated got all the face time. Weird. It's like we have a new group of ladies to learn about for next week.
Other Ashley wishes Jake luck, and then gives him a crazed why so serious Joker face. Whoa, that's freaky. I can't even describe it so I recorded it and looped it for you.
Jo-jo-jo-joker face! Jo-jo-jo-joker face!
It was an okay episode, the problem is Jake. He is a nothing. He is so bad that he's like George Bush, we now have the "Jake Doctrine". It's preemptive cheating - cheating on someone before you're together. That's all you need to know.
Group dates are going to happen. Jake walks in with a shirt that seriously needs to be buttoned up. I don't think it counts as having a good body if you're under 5'6". No matter how many situps you do, you're still a short dude. Sorry.
The first date is at a hotel in Santa Monica. A gay guy (not Jake) reveals that the girls are going to be doing a photo shoot for InStyle magazine. The girls freak out. I freak out. InStyle! O to the M-G. Whatever, I think it's just an excuse to see hot Rozlyn and Gia in their skivvies.
Rozlyn's all cocky about her modeling experience. She's "mostly in bridal magazines". She then shits on Gia, who "does lingerie shoots", and gives her the thumbs down. Unfortunately, men give lingerie shoots two thumbs and one wiener up.
Rozlyn puts her leg up to Jake during their photo shoot and reveals some beav! It wouldn't be the first beav in UsWeekly. They blur it out, of course, but let's all use our imaginations. Do you know there are guys who consider themselves to be "vagina men"? Isn't that weird? The problem with being a vagina man is you have to get into position to see the vagina. That can take me years of indirect flirting.
It's so hard to watch this show and not think about the girls not liking him at all. I'm not buying any of this Jake love.
Gia gets some alone time. She looks a lot like Ellen Pompeo but attractive and a little latin. Let's just say she is right up Irwin's alley. I only wish Brad (or was it Chad?!) could've gotten a chance with her. That's how gay I am, I want the girl I like for Brad because I like Brad even more.
In a huge upset, they all get in a hot tub. Bikinis happen. I cannot overstate how hot Rozlyn and Gia are. This is such a waste of talent.
Back at the house, the girls receive a box with a diamond necklace and lose their fucking minds. Oh women, why are you so predictable? Psycho Michelle rips it out of another girl's hands and throws it around her neck. She is a legitimate crazy person.
Hot Rozlyn grabs Jake's face and kisses him. Gross. But this girl knows what she is doing, and she has to be a fantastic actress. Cause it looks like she actually likes him. Jake says that she's "out of his comfort zone". Probably cause she has lady parts.
Should we discuss the "Jake is gay" vibe we're all feeling right now? It's there, we all know it, we all feel it. It's strange, cause you can just tell he's oddly super religious. So it's a mix of a promise keepers/gay thing, I don't know yet. We'll explore it, back to the show.
Rozlyn predictably gets the rose on the date. Who knew that being really hot and mouth raping a guy would work?
There is some talk that Rozlyn will do anything for a rose and may not "be here for the right reasons". This may rear its ugly head in a little bit. Stay tuned.
It turns out, Ally gets the necklace and the one on one date. And in another huge upset, she cries her eyes out over it. Now remember, this is the girl I predicted would "win" the whole thing. Her lame reaction only bolsters my confidence in that.
Jake picks her up on his moped. It might as well be his small dick. Such a tool.
They go to an airport and Jake is going to fly her in a tiny plane. Tiny like his body. Ally's the girl who told him she hates to fly. Isn't that a little rude? Jake is like one of these assholes who don't believe I really hate dogs and then pushes their dog on me to somehow show me how great dogs are. No, screw you. Just believe me, I hate them. She hates what you love, deal with it.
As they fly, the song "On the Wings of Love" plays and it feels unintentionally hilarious. So corny. Just like Jake. I have a feeling he's watching this and thinking it's so "romantic". I just realized this season is subtitled "On the Wings of Love". Cash those checks, Jeffrey Osbourne.
By the way, Ally is really cute and it hurts me to say that since she's gonna win. But dammit, she's adorable and it's not fair.
Back at the house, I forgot about Vienna. Holy Lord, she is homely. She's in the next group date, but psycho Michelle isn't. I'm sure she's gonna be fine with that.
Back at the date, Jake reveals another one of his "surprises". This guy, he's so crafty in planning these dates. Chicago plays a private concert for them. You know how it's so stupid how these girls proclaim love after meeting the guy for 2 seconds? It's ridiculous. Unfortunately, I'm now in love with Ally. Too bad she's insane and tainted with Jake stank.
Final group date. They go to Six Flags. You know what I like about Jake: he's so spontaneous and an adrenaline junkie.
Back at the house, Michelle is packing her shit because she's leaving. What a surprise. It's so weird because she's pretty cute, why is she like this? Don't guys in the real world like her? Maybe they do until they get to know her.
Early favorite Elizabeth, who looked amazing last episode, doesn't quite hold up in episode 2. Not sure what happened. Too much sun or something. She gets alone time and reads him a letter. She doesn't want Jake to kiss her until she's the last girl. What a nice, sneaky way not to have to kiss him and yet be on the show for as long as possible. How convenient.
Vienna, yikes, gets alone time. She has to tell Jake a "secret". Virgin alert! Nope. Turns out that when she was 17 she was engaged to her "Pastor's son". After this, the Pastor's son married someone else and had a kid. For some reason, this made her elope with some other dude. They got divorced 4 months later. This is the most complicated secret ever. And it must be so confusing for Jake: Pastor = good, elope = bad, Vienna's face = unfortunate.
Vienna says that she "really wants the rose tonight". I wonder if she doesn't get it if she'll elope with someone else.
Elizabeth gets the rose. Maybe because she doesn't go on reactionary elopements and cause she's good looking.
Elizabeth totally loses me. She says "I'm playing so hard to get because that's what I deserve". Then she says "I'm a really good kisser", and then "Do you want to kiss me?" Then she leans in and goes "no you cannot!". This is the worst girl in the world. Okay no, Sammi Sweetheart from Jersey Shore is, but she is second worst.
At the house for eliminations, Michelle is still there. She didn't leave. Damn empty threats. Jake pulls Ella aside - she didn't get a date - I kinda forgot about her. She's kinda sexy, and oh yeah she has an 8! year old kid. Jake is probably only keeping her around because that's what Jesus would do.
Michelle demonstrates more craziness with Jake. Geesh. Where do they find these people? I just hope she doesn't give all office managers from Anaheim a bad name.
Meanwhile, Chris Harrison comes in and asks Rozlyn to step outside. Holy crap! Chris finally broke down and has fallen in love with one of the girls. Unfortunately, not. Chris says to Rozlyn:
"Rozlyn you have entered into an inappropriate relationship with one of our staffers. That staffer is no longer with us."
Yes!!!
How perfect is it that Jake has already been cheated on? That's like if a guy tried to have sex with gross Jillian and couldn't get it up. Oh wait, that happened too! Amazing. I told you she had to be pretending. Not only was she pretending, she was mouth raping key grips, cameramen, and God knows who else too. What a woman.
But here's the best part. As Chris is going through this with her, which appears to be hard for him to do, Rozlyn does not say anything. And then when finally does say something, she is defiant. She doesn't think she's done anything wrong at all. She says "I don't think my personal life is anybody's business". Damn. She's got some nerve (and some boobs) on her.
Chris finally lays it on her: "Go pack your stuff, and get the fuck out". Okay, not that last part, but that's the sentiment. It's awesome. Rozlyn doesn't think it's fair. This chick is badass. She almost has to be forced to leave. That bitch wanted that rose and she didn't care who she needed to bang to get it! Respect.
Chris tells Jake. He's stunned. Okay, not stunned, this has to have happened to him many, many times.
The girls are stoked, there goes the hottest girl. I'm bummed, there goes the hottest girl.
Jake makes a teary eyed speech, telling them "if anyone else is unsure, pull me aside right now and let's talk about it..." Immediately all of the girls pull him aside to talk about it. Just kidding. Instead, psycho Michelle tells him they all love him.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
VIENNA - out of the gate? Really? This is upsetting. I guess he needs a safe backup in case the rest of the girls are already cheating on him too.
GIA - yes! Thank you. We need someone to look at.
TENLEY - didn't get a lot of face time this episode, but she's quality. Remember, I previously gave her an eightly.
ELLA - single mother.
ALICIA - literally did not say a word this episode. Not one.
CORY - Meh.
JESSE - she is Maryanne from Gilligan's Island.
ASHLEY - Looks good in a bikini, bad in everything else.
MICHELLE - Psycho for a psycho.
KATHERINE - Yet another girl we heard nothing from.
And that's it. A lot of people who got eliminated got all the face time. Weird. It's like we have a new group of ladies to learn about for next week.
Other Ashley wishes Jake luck, and then gives him a crazed why so serious Joker face. Whoa, that's freaky. I can't even describe it so I recorded it and looped it for you.
Jo-jo-jo-joker face! Jo-jo-jo-joker face!
It was an okay episode, the problem is Jake. He is a nothing. He is so bad that he's like George Bush, we now have the "Jake Doctrine". It's preemptive cheating - cheating on someone before you're together. That's all you need to know.
Friday, January 08, 2010
Thank God - Our Priorities Are Straight
Gibbs: State Of The Union Won't Coincide With Premiere Of 'Lost'
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs was coy on Friday when it came to offering a date for the president to deliver the upcoming State of the Union address. He deflected questions as to whether the speech before a bicameral gathering of Congress would take place in January or February and only smiled suggestively when asked whether President Obama was waiting until health care reform was passed first.
But the press secretary did rule out one possible SOTU date -- much to the delight of a major television network. The speech, Gibbs said, would not take place on the same night as the three-hour premiere of the final season of ABC's "Lost".
"I don't foresee a scenario in which millions people who hope to finally get some conclusion with 'Lost' are preempted by the president," he said. "You can quote a senior administration official."
That response came to a question poised by a noticeably anxious ABC Radio's Ann Compton. But -- in a reflection of just how freaked out the network is about a SOTU-"Lost" duel -- it didn't put an end to the concerns.
Towards the end of the briefing, an AP radio reporter asked "on Ann's behalf" whether February 2 (the date of the premiere) "was definitely not it for the State of the Union address?"
Gibbs confirmed that to be true, while expressing his "love that all of the sudden ABC [news] is asking on behalf of ABC [the network]."
At which point a third ABC reporter, White House correspondent Jake Tapper, chimed in: "How about on behalf of the Dharma Initiative.
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs was coy on Friday when it came to offering a date for the president to deliver the upcoming State of the Union address. He deflected questions as to whether the speech before a bicameral gathering of Congress would take place in January or February and only smiled suggestively when asked whether President Obama was waiting until health care reform was passed first.
But the press secretary did rule out one possible SOTU date -- much to the delight of a major television network. The speech, Gibbs said, would not take place on the same night as the three-hour premiere of the final season of ABC's "Lost".
"I don't foresee a scenario in which millions people who hope to finally get some conclusion with 'Lost' are preempted by the president," he said. "You can quote a senior administration official."
That response came to a question poised by a noticeably anxious ABC Radio's Ann Compton. But -- in a reflection of just how freaked out the network is about a SOTU-"Lost" duel -- it didn't put an end to the concerns.
Towards the end of the briefing, an AP radio reporter asked "on Ann's behalf" whether February 2 (the date of the premiere) "was definitely not it for the State of the Union address?"
Gibbs confirmed that to be true, while expressing his "love that all of the sudden ABC [news] is asking on behalf of ABC [the network]."
At which point a third ABC reporter, White House correspondent Jake Tapper, chimed in: "How about on behalf of the Dharma Initiative.
New Shark Tank Tonight
Well, it's back.
"Shark Tank" returns to ABC tonight at 9pm. This is exciting. Unfortunately, they didn't produce new stuff, this is filled with the pitches that didn't get on the earlier episodes. So it's not the prime grade A material, which is a little unfair to us and the show.
Nevertheless, I'm onboard. Because a C+ "Shark Tank" is better than an A+ "Dateline" or any show featuring Christian Slater.
"Shark Tank" returns to ABC tonight at 9pm. This is exciting. Unfortunately, they didn't produce new stuff, this is filled with the pitches that didn't get on the earlier episodes. So it's not the prime grade A material, which is a little unfair to us and the show.
Nevertheless, I'm onboard. Because a C+ "Shark Tank" is better than an A+ "Dateline" or any show featuring Christian Slater.
Monday, January 04, 2010
The Bachelor No One Wanted
I feel the need, the need, for a dweeb.
Where do I begin?
Well, I'm back watching "The Bachelor" again. Feels good. Please bare with me as I shake off the rust. As you'll recall, I took "The Bachelorette" off in protest of the Jillian choice. And now the Bachelor returns by picking...someone even worse than Jillian.
Why did this happen, you ask? You should know, cause it's your fault. It just so happens that the Jillian edition was one of the higher ranked seasons in awhile. So the producers had no choice but to do as you instructed and pick this tool.
This is upsetting.
No one wanted him! Even Jillian, poor unattractive, dumb Jillian, didn't want this guy. He is "too perfect", or so he tells us. He's what you ladies love, right? Short, unstable, and okay looking.
You know I don't like spoilers, but something is going to happen this season that is so perfect for this dude that, well, I'm just excited to see it just so I can gloat. But until then, the ladies are pulling up in the limos. Let's meet them, shall we?
Wait, first they try to pretend like the girls are here because they saw Jake and love him. And several appear to have had their breasts done by Tori Spelling's doctor. Several say they are going to use their "pageant experience". That makes sense.
Did a blonde girl just say that she will "cut a bitch"? Did I just hear that? I like where this is heading. Okay, limo time...
Jake rides up on a scooter first. I think you have to be at least 5'5" to ride a real motorcycle. Chris actually says to Jake "you've stated before: you have a lot of trouble getting 2nd dates". WHAT THE FUCK?! This guy is the motherfucking bachelor. He freely admits that on date 1, women meet him and say "no thanks". Can't wait to see 25 women fight over that.
ROZLYN, 28: She's a model. And crazy as it sounds, she actually could be a model. She's blonde and pretty, though with crazy eyes potential. Is she out of Jake's league? I don't think she'll be the only one.
EMILY, 23: A fit model. She has bangs. 'Nuff said.
ALI, 25: Advertising. I can't believe she's not an "advertising model" to continue the theme. She's all right, and we're 3 for 3 on girls being taller and better than Jake in every way.
JESSIE, 25: Cosmetics sales manager. Her opener to Jake: "do you have a registry for these guns?" Oh, fuck you.
TENLEY, 25: College admissions. Oh, crazy names. Tenley? She's attractive, I'd give her an Eightly.
In between girls coming out, that stupid Jessie "guns" girl says to the other ladies "isn't he dreamy? i think i'm in love with him already". Do people not care at all what they'll look like on TV? Do they not know how this works? So confusing.
ELLA, 29: Hair stylist. She's sassy, and of course older than 29. Instead of saying you're 29 years old you should just hold a sign up that says "Yes, I'm in my thirties". Her boobs make up for it.
KATHRYN, 25: Corporate flight attendant. She looks down on regular flight attendants, what a bunch of losers! Terrible purple dress. She looks like my Uncle's ex wife who kidnapped my cousin. Long story.
CAITLYN, 24: Spokesmodel. She's from Illinois. What is she spokemodeling in Illinois?
ELIZABETH, 29!: Air national guard. I'd love for a statistician to do an analysis on percentage of women on reality shows who are 29.
ALEXA, 25: Entrepreneur. One thing you need to know about Alexa: She has a giant face. Just enormous. Another thing: she ain't 25.
VIENNA, 23: Marketing rep. Hey, there is a disturbing lack of pharmaceutical reps this season. They've all moved to modeling and marketing. What are we gonna do about pharmaceuticals! B-T-Dubs: Vienna is gross.
CORRIE, 23: Wardrobe consultant. Another giant face! What the hell is happening? She's already talking about hometown dates. Settle down, lady. And stop watching this show so much. And yes I'm aware of the pot/kettle thing, shut up.
KIMBERLEY, 24: NBA dancer. What do you think when you hear that a girl is an NBA dancer? If you said "unattractive" you'd be right about Kim. What team does she dance for, the Omega Moos?
VALISHIA, 32: Homemaker. I'll say it again, homemaker. Nothing hotter than that.
GIA, 26: Swimsuit model. Another model. But the swimsuit kind, that means she does porn. She's sexy, but has the aforementioned Tori Spelling tits. She's got the grand canyon on her chest.
ELIZABETH, 29: Nanny. She is beautiful. Why are they wasting this set of girls on this schmoe? So unfortunate.
CHANNY, 29!: Loan officer. Ladies and gentleman, we have our first asian (or minority of any kind)! And her name is Channy. You know you're not a good looking asian when I don't like you.
ASHLEY, 29!: Teacher. Great boobs, bad face.
TIANA, 31: A medical technician. She watched Jake all of last season. Psycho alert. I know this also describes me, but I'm not on the show, people.
CHRISTINA, 25: Restaurant manager. She tells Jake that she's "going to win". In this case, win would mean getting eliminated on the first night, right? She brings the girls jelly beans as consolation prizes for when they leave. She's already "not trying to make friends"! That's a new world record for not trying to make friends. Well played.
ASHLEIGH, 25: Account manager. She falls as she's walking up to Jake. Straight trips into him. Nice. She looks like Marisa Miller if Marisa Miller were a whore and not good looking.
KIRSTEN, 25: Waitress. She's a man, man.
STEPHANIE, 24: Dance teacher. Not cute.
SHEILA, 25: Pilot. Oh boy, another pilot. She shows up in aviator glasses. She's actually kinda cute, but sort of terrible in a way I can't describe yet.
MICHELLE, 25: Office manager. She's a good looking semi-redhead. She looks like Val's friend Ginger on 90210. Anyone get that reference? Just me, okay. Trust me, she's cute.
Time to go inside for the party where everyone gets drunk and starts showing off their "talent"...
They keep "catching" the girls talking about how "great" Jake is. They haven't tried to overhype the bachelor like this since...well, since Jillian.
Jake talks alone with Ali. She trips as they walk over. Just a bunch of dorks and clutzes on my damn TV. Jake and Ali are absolutely perfect for each other. I'm predicting it right now: she's the "winner".
Jake talks with Channy, she of the racist name. She says Jake needs a little bit of "Cambodian fever". I had that once, then I saw Channy, cured right up. Then she tells Jake "you can land your plane on my landing strip anytime". Wow. Landing strip? What is this, the '80's? Shave that thing.
Ella pulls Jake aside. She's (cough) 29. And tells him that she has a 7 year old son. I don't think Jake likes single moms...or black people.
Ashley dresses up in some weird sexy stewardess costume. No, I don't know why.
Elizabeth throws the football around with Jake. She is darn pretty. I hope she ends up with Chris Harrison. Somehow this results in a giant football game with all the girls in their dresses. Someone makes a great catch in the back of the end zone. Gotta respect that.
Uh oh, red headed lady Michelle starts talkin' crazy. She "deserves" Jake. She wants kids. She's not playing games. Jake is the one. This chick is headed for a full on breakdown when someone else kisses Jake. Can't wait for the water works. That should come any second now...
I don't want to say anything mean, but Vienna is the worst looking girl that's ever been on the show. She's so bad that I bet she might even give Jake a 2nd date.
Kathryn, the "corporate flight attendant", has a wedding ring on. She explains that it's for her "fake fiance" and gives it to Jake. No, I don't know what that means.
And here we go! Michelle starts crying for no reason. Who saw that coming? Oh yeah, I did 2 paragraphs ago. Why is she crying? Uh, cause she's a crazy person who came on a reality show for Jake.
Remember what I said about Vienna? Now I'm going with Alexa - 5 miles of bad road.
Things just went from bad to worse: Jillian and Ed show up. Chris calls them "Jake's friends". Really? Cause I think they wanted nothing to do with him. I wonder which girl Ed wants to cheat on Jillian with?
Jesse says that "something rubs me the wrong way about Rozlyn". I'm guessing what rubs you the wrong way is that she's better looking than you.
Tenley is a "cuddle bug". She kisses Jake, and then tears up and says it's been a long time since she kissed anyone. Then she says she's only been with one man...her ex husband. This just in: guys don't like cuddle bugs.
Jillian and Ed give Jake the lowdown on all the girls. All I can think while watching this is that Ed must be dying a little inside. This coulda been me! Now I'm stuck with the hot dog lady. Ah, foolish choices.
Jake gives the first impression rose to...Tenley. Really hard to believe that Jake likes cuddle bugs. But seriously, it's funny because Tenley kissed him, and guys are so simple: the one girl who kissed him, he chooses. We're not riddles, ladies. It's all right there for the taking.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Michelle is gonna lose her shit when she doesn't get one. But I know this moron is going to pick the wrong girls.
ELLA. He's trying to pretend that he likes single moms and they're not evil .
ELIZABETH. That's a no brainer. She's a top 3 candidate.
ELLIE. They're getting married, it's already done. She's just lame enough for him.
VIENNA. Yikes.
CHRISTINA. She's a "friend" type, even for this douche.
GIA. Hellz yeah. That's a sexy girl, even he can't deny it.
ASHLEY. Dressing up in weird outfits works.
ROZLYN. Another top 3 candidate, way out of his league.
JESSE. Ew. Likes him way too much to be sane.
CORY. Score one for the giant faces.
ALICIA. She's going home next week.
ASHLEIGH. His type, re: really white.
KATHERINE. Girl with the weird ring.
MICHELLE. Holy fuck. That is just wrong, but in the entertaining way. That had to be the producer's pick, you don't let crazy walk out the door on the first episode.
One thing is clear after this episode: Jake is a racist. He couldn't even save the one asian girl for the standard episode 2 elimination.
All right, that's a wrap. By the way, it was a great "this season on...", things are looking up.
I know what you're asking: am I going to watch "Conveyor Belt of Love"? Fuck yeah I am. It's a freaking conveyor belt...of love!
Where do I begin?
Well, I'm back watching "The Bachelor" again. Feels good. Please bare with me as I shake off the rust. As you'll recall, I took "The Bachelorette" off in protest of the Jillian choice. And now the Bachelor returns by picking...someone even worse than Jillian.
Why did this happen, you ask? You should know, cause it's your fault. It just so happens that the Jillian edition was one of the higher ranked seasons in awhile. So the producers had no choice but to do as you instructed and pick this tool.
This is upsetting.
No one wanted him! Even Jillian, poor unattractive, dumb Jillian, didn't want this guy. He is "too perfect", or so he tells us. He's what you ladies love, right? Short, unstable, and okay looking.
You know I don't like spoilers, but something is going to happen this season that is so perfect for this dude that, well, I'm just excited to see it just so I can gloat. But until then, the ladies are pulling up in the limos. Let's meet them, shall we?
Wait, first they try to pretend like the girls are here because they saw Jake and love him. And several appear to have had their breasts done by Tori Spelling's doctor. Several say they are going to use their "pageant experience". That makes sense.
Did a blonde girl just say that she will "cut a bitch"? Did I just hear that? I like where this is heading. Okay, limo time...
Jake rides up on a scooter first. I think you have to be at least 5'5" to ride a real motorcycle. Chris actually says to Jake "you've stated before: you have a lot of trouble getting 2nd dates". WHAT THE FUCK?! This guy is the motherfucking bachelor. He freely admits that on date 1, women meet him and say "no thanks". Can't wait to see 25 women fight over that.
ROZLYN, 28: She's a model. And crazy as it sounds, she actually could be a model. She's blonde and pretty, though with crazy eyes potential. Is she out of Jake's league? I don't think she'll be the only one.
EMILY, 23: A fit model. She has bangs. 'Nuff said.
ALI, 25: Advertising. I can't believe she's not an "advertising model" to continue the theme. She's all right, and we're 3 for 3 on girls being taller and better than Jake in every way.
JESSIE, 25: Cosmetics sales manager. Her opener to Jake: "do you have a registry for these guns?" Oh, fuck you.
TENLEY, 25: College admissions. Oh, crazy names. Tenley? She's attractive, I'd give her an Eightly.
In between girls coming out, that stupid Jessie "guns" girl says to the other ladies "isn't he dreamy? i think i'm in love with him already". Do people not care at all what they'll look like on TV? Do they not know how this works? So confusing.
ELLA, 29: Hair stylist. She's sassy, and of course older than 29. Instead of saying you're 29 years old you should just hold a sign up that says "Yes, I'm in my thirties". Her boobs make up for it.
KATHRYN, 25: Corporate flight attendant. She looks down on regular flight attendants, what a bunch of losers! Terrible purple dress. She looks like my Uncle's ex wife who kidnapped my cousin. Long story.
CAITLYN, 24: Spokesmodel. She's from Illinois. What is she spokemodeling in Illinois?
ELIZABETH, 29!: Air national guard. I'd love for a statistician to do an analysis on percentage of women on reality shows who are 29.
ALEXA, 25: Entrepreneur. One thing you need to know about Alexa: She has a giant face. Just enormous. Another thing: she ain't 25.
VIENNA, 23: Marketing rep. Hey, there is a disturbing lack of pharmaceutical reps this season. They've all moved to modeling and marketing. What are we gonna do about pharmaceuticals! B-T-Dubs: Vienna is gross.
CORRIE, 23: Wardrobe consultant. Another giant face! What the hell is happening? She's already talking about hometown dates. Settle down, lady. And stop watching this show so much. And yes I'm aware of the pot/kettle thing, shut up.
KIMBERLEY, 24: NBA dancer. What do you think when you hear that a girl is an NBA dancer? If you said "unattractive" you'd be right about Kim. What team does she dance for, the Omega Moos?
VALISHIA, 32: Homemaker. I'll say it again, homemaker. Nothing hotter than that.
GIA, 26: Swimsuit model. Another model. But the swimsuit kind, that means she does porn. She's sexy, but has the aforementioned Tori Spelling tits. She's got the grand canyon on her chest.
ELIZABETH, 29: Nanny. She is beautiful. Why are they wasting this set of girls on this schmoe? So unfortunate.
CHANNY, 29!: Loan officer. Ladies and gentleman, we have our first asian (or minority of any kind)! And her name is Channy. You know you're not a good looking asian when I don't like you.
ASHLEY, 29!: Teacher. Great boobs, bad face.
TIANA, 31: A medical technician. She watched Jake all of last season. Psycho alert. I know this also describes me, but I'm not on the show, people.
CHRISTINA, 25: Restaurant manager. She tells Jake that she's "going to win". In this case, win would mean getting eliminated on the first night, right? She brings the girls jelly beans as consolation prizes for when they leave. She's already "not trying to make friends"! That's a new world record for not trying to make friends. Well played.
ASHLEIGH, 25: Account manager. She falls as she's walking up to Jake. Straight trips into him. Nice. She looks like Marisa Miller if Marisa Miller were a whore and not good looking.
KIRSTEN, 25: Waitress. She's a man, man.
STEPHANIE, 24: Dance teacher. Not cute.
SHEILA, 25: Pilot. Oh boy, another pilot. She shows up in aviator glasses. She's actually kinda cute, but sort of terrible in a way I can't describe yet.
MICHELLE, 25: Office manager. She's a good looking semi-redhead. She looks like Val's friend Ginger on 90210. Anyone get that reference? Just me, okay. Trust me, she's cute.
Time to go inside for the party where everyone gets drunk and starts showing off their "talent"...
They keep "catching" the girls talking about how "great" Jake is. They haven't tried to overhype the bachelor like this since...well, since Jillian.
Jake talks alone with Ali. She trips as they walk over. Just a bunch of dorks and clutzes on my damn TV. Jake and Ali are absolutely perfect for each other. I'm predicting it right now: she's the "winner".
Jake talks with Channy, she of the racist name. She says Jake needs a little bit of "Cambodian fever". I had that once, then I saw Channy, cured right up. Then she tells Jake "you can land your plane on my landing strip anytime". Wow. Landing strip? What is this, the '80's? Shave that thing.
Ella pulls Jake aside. She's (cough) 29. And tells him that she has a 7 year old son. I don't think Jake likes single moms...or black people.
Ashley dresses up in some weird sexy stewardess costume. No, I don't know why.
Elizabeth throws the football around with Jake. She is darn pretty. I hope she ends up with Chris Harrison. Somehow this results in a giant football game with all the girls in their dresses. Someone makes a great catch in the back of the end zone. Gotta respect that.
Uh oh, red headed lady Michelle starts talkin' crazy. She "deserves" Jake. She wants kids. She's not playing games. Jake is the one. This chick is headed for a full on breakdown when someone else kisses Jake. Can't wait for the water works. That should come any second now...
I don't want to say anything mean, but Vienna is the worst looking girl that's ever been on the show. She's so bad that I bet she might even give Jake a 2nd date.
Kathryn, the "corporate flight attendant", has a wedding ring on. She explains that it's for her "fake fiance" and gives it to Jake. No, I don't know what that means.
And here we go! Michelle starts crying for no reason. Who saw that coming? Oh yeah, I did 2 paragraphs ago. Why is she crying? Uh, cause she's a crazy person who came on a reality show for Jake.
Remember what I said about Vienna? Now I'm going with Alexa - 5 miles of bad road.
Things just went from bad to worse: Jillian and Ed show up. Chris calls them "Jake's friends". Really? Cause I think they wanted nothing to do with him. I wonder which girl Ed wants to cheat on Jillian with?
Jesse says that "something rubs me the wrong way about Rozlyn". I'm guessing what rubs you the wrong way is that she's better looking than you.
Tenley is a "cuddle bug". She kisses Jake, and then tears up and says it's been a long time since she kissed anyone. Then she says she's only been with one man...her ex husband. This just in: guys don't like cuddle bugs.
Jillian and Ed give Jake the lowdown on all the girls. All I can think while watching this is that Ed must be dying a little inside. This coulda been me! Now I'm stuck with the hot dog lady. Ah, foolish choices.
Jake gives the first impression rose to...Tenley. Really hard to believe that Jake likes cuddle bugs. But seriously, it's funny because Tenley kissed him, and guys are so simple: the one girl who kissed him, he chooses. We're not riddles, ladies. It's all right there for the taking.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Michelle is gonna lose her shit when she doesn't get one. But I know this moron is going to pick the wrong girls.
ELLA. He's trying to pretend that he likes single moms and they're not evil .
ELIZABETH. That's a no brainer. She's a top 3 candidate.
ELLIE. They're getting married, it's already done. She's just lame enough for him.
VIENNA. Yikes.
CHRISTINA. She's a "friend" type, even for this douche.
GIA. Hellz yeah. That's a sexy girl, even he can't deny it.
ASHLEY. Dressing up in weird outfits works.
ROZLYN. Another top 3 candidate, way out of his league.
JESSE. Ew. Likes him way too much to be sane.
CORY. Score one for the giant faces.
ALICIA. She's going home next week.
ASHLEIGH. His type, re: really white.
KATHERINE. Girl with the weird ring.
MICHELLE. Holy fuck. That is just wrong, but in the entertaining way. That had to be the producer's pick, you don't let crazy walk out the door on the first episode.
One thing is clear after this episode: Jake is a racist. He couldn't even save the one asian girl for the standard episode 2 elimination.
All right, that's a wrap. By the way, it was a great "this season on...", things are looking up.
I know what you're asking: am I going to watch "Conveyor Belt of Love"? Fuck yeah I am. It's a freaking conveyor belt...of love!
Friday, January 01, 2010
2010
Here are a couple of bachelors...
Next post is Monday, January 4th. And I will have a lot to say.
Next post is Monday, January 4th. And I will have a lot to say.
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