When I was writing for Mencia, we used to do a bit called "Judge Carlos". Carlos would read real cases and then make a judgement on them. The cases would always involve someone doing something stupid to allow for a million jokes about how stupid they were.
One of the cases we did was about a killer whale who killed a guy who jumped into the tank to swim with it. The first joke was "what part of 'killer' whale' didn't you understand?"
Well, 2 days ago a killer whale killed a trainer. Very sad.
And guess what? It was the same killer whale!
That is a serial killer whale, people.
Multiple friends e-mailed me the story and I wasn't sure why. Then I realized that it was because of my famous anti-animal stance. And that got me thinking...I don't hate animals as much as I hate people who think they know what animals are thinking. No you don't. I've got news for you; it's a big dumb animal, it's not thinking anything.
Also, you are not that killer whale's friend. You are it's C.O., a Corrections Officer because that whale is in jail.
So no, I don't hate animals. I don't want them imprisoned. I would never be arrogant enough to think that I know what they're thinking or believe I was doing what is best for them. I want to leave them alone and I want to be left alone. Is that so wrong?
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Rozlyn is Great
'Bachelor's' Rozlyn Papa in Sex Tape Drama
A new celebrity sex tape is being shopped around the porn community -- and the person peddling the tape says the star is Rozlyn Papa from "The Bachelor."
TMZ has learned the tape is being shopped to a variety of XXX companies all over all over L.A. -- including LiveJasmin.com
We spoke to Kevin Blatt, a rep from the website, who tells us he saw the tape and "it's definitely Rozlyn."
Blatt claims the tape features Rozlyn performing "one sexual act with a well-endowed gentleman."
A rep for Papa tells TMZ the reality star has, "no knowledge of any tape."
A new celebrity sex tape is being shopped around the porn community -- and the person peddling the tape says the star is Rozlyn Papa from "The Bachelor."
TMZ has learned the tape is being shopped to a variety of XXX companies all over all over L.A. -- including LiveJasmin.com
We spoke to Kevin Blatt, a rep from the website, who tells us he saw the tape and "it's definitely Rozlyn."
Blatt claims the tape features Rozlyn performing "one sexual act with a well-endowed gentleman."
A rep for Papa tells TMZ the reality star has, "no knowledge of any tape."
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
No Dork Bachelor Recap This Week
The Women Tell All was on and it's not fun to recap. But a few things to note:
Funny to see the old Bachelor contestants completely whoring it up. Yet when they were on the show it was all about taking it slow.
Jake claims that he has "many friends whose first kiss was at the altar". Okay, your friends are weird and so are you. Guarantee you this guy is a big fan of Joel Osteen.
It's funny how every girl thinks the same thing about Tenley: she dreams in cartoons and shits rainbows. So boring. She needs an asexual dude...well, maybe she's come to the right place.
Ali needs to stop talking.
Corrie may have a long face but her body is unreal.
Rozlyn is telling the truth and everyone else in the world is lying. She reminds me of that Chris Rock routine: "I know you did it just admit it" "wasn't me" "i know you did it just admit it" "wasn't me" "i got videotape! it'll be all right if you just admit it" "wasn't me"
By the time Jake came out, I had an epiphany. I know how the season is going to end. The commercials imply that he's not going to pick either of them. He claims to be happy with his choice.
Factor in that we've had every scenario: a guy picked a girl, a guy picked nobody, a guy picked one girl then dumped her for the other girl...what's missing?
A Bachelor coming out of the closet. This guy has never looked gayer than he did tonight. My prediction is he's going to dump both of them and announce he's gay. I actually think this is going to happen. How huge would that be?
Next week: the gay finale, and 2! helicopters!
Funny to see the old Bachelor contestants completely whoring it up. Yet when they were on the show it was all about taking it slow.
Jake claims that he has "many friends whose first kiss was at the altar". Okay, your friends are weird and so are you. Guarantee you this guy is a big fan of Joel Osteen.
It's funny how every girl thinks the same thing about Tenley: she dreams in cartoons and shits rainbows. So boring. She needs an asexual dude...well, maybe she's come to the right place.
Ali needs to stop talking.
Corrie may have a long face but her body is unreal.
Rozlyn is telling the truth and everyone else in the world is lying. She reminds me of that Chris Rock routine: "I know you did it just admit it" "wasn't me" "i know you did it just admit it" "wasn't me" "i got videotape! it'll be all right if you just admit it" "wasn't me"
By the time Jake came out, I had an epiphany. I know how the season is going to end. The commercials imply that he's not going to pick either of them. He claims to be happy with his choice.
Factor in that we've had every scenario: a guy picked a girl, a guy picked nobody, a guy picked one girl then dumped her for the other girl...what's missing?
A Bachelor coming out of the closet. This guy has never looked gayer than he did tonight. My prediction is he's going to dump both of them and announce he's gay. I actually think this is going to happen. How huge would that be?
Next week: the gay finale, and 2! helicopters!
Friday, February 19, 2010
A Tiger Woods Story
Tiger Woods apologized yesterday. I don't know who would care about this. We should all be grateful that he's given us something to talk about the last few months. I'm okay with him winning tournaments and fucking everyone, that's fine. In fact, he can lose and bang ugly women, it's all good by me.
But I was disappointed with the apology speech. Only because I thought Tiger should've hired Aaron Sorkin to write it and make it like the end of "The American President". Possibly concluding with "My name is Tiger Woods. And I am a pussy slayer!"
I've seen some reaction to the speech, with some idiots like The Sports Guy Bill Simmons writing that "he's like a robot" and it "wasn't sincere". First of all, of course it wasn't sincere. If he hadn't got caught, he'd still be doing it. And second of all, he is a robot. That's how he was raised.
You can't expect Tiger to act like you, or any other normal human being. There's a reason he's the greatest golfer ever and you are not. He is different, and he is going to behave differently in all situations.
I'm friends with a friend of Tiger's. Let me illustrate my point with a story about young Tiger Woods:
This story proves one thing: Even then, Tiger was fucking everything.
It also proves that Tiger is not like you and me. He's a freak. He was raised to be a golfing robot. And that never works out well, unless you count having more money than God working out well. Just don't expect him to act like you would act.
But I was disappointed with the apology speech. Only because I thought Tiger should've hired Aaron Sorkin to write it and make it like the end of "The American President". Possibly concluding with "My name is Tiger Woods. And I am a pussy slayer!"
I've seen some reaction to the speech, with some idiots like The Sports Guy Bill Simmons writing that "he's like a robot" and it "wasn't sincere". First of all, of course it wasn't sincere. If he hadn't got caught, he'd still be doing it. And second of all, he is a robot. That's how he was raised.
You can't expect Tiger to act like you, or any other normal human being. There's a reason he's the greatest golfer ever and you are not. He is different, and he is going to behave differently in all situations.
I'm friends with a friend of Tiger's. Let me illustrate my point with a story about young Tiger Woods:
My friend is a couple years older than Tiger but they used to play in tournaments together as kids. One weekend they went to Nevada for a junior tournament. Tiger's dad didn't go, and asked my buddy to look after his son - Tig was 14, my friend was 17. They had hotel rooms right next to each other.
One night, my friend was going to go out drinking because he had a fake ID. But before he went down to the bar, he decided to check on Tiger and make sure everything was cool before heading out for the night.
He walks into Tiger's room and discovers that all of his clubs are out of the bag and on the floor. And Tiger is on the floor, in his underwear, cleaning them with a tooth brush.
Then my friend looks over to the bed. and lying in the bed, underneath the covers, is Tiger's putter.
This story proves one thing: Even then, Tiger was fucking everything.
It also proves that Tiger is not like you and me. He's a freak. He was raised to be a golfing robot. And that never works out well, unless you count having more money than God working out well. Just don't expect him to act like you would act.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Top Five Most Insane Premises From the Show "Friends"
I have seen every single episode of "Friends" at least 20 times (that's extremely conservative, it's more like 50). They produced 236 episodes. That means I've spent 98 days of my life watching "Friends.
I consider the first 2 seasons of "Friends" some of the best sitcom writing ever, and a big reason along with Seinfeld why there hasn't been a good sitcom since - they took all the premises.
The rest of the seasons of the show range from good to downright awful, though still watchable. Right now on channel 5 they play an old "Friends" episode at 11:00 and a newer episode at 11:30. This offers a great opportunity to compare and contrast early Friends and old Friends.
It's amazing to see the difference. The later ones pale in comparison - they ran out of stories to tell, yet still had to keep telling them. This resulted in some pretty insane shit. So herewith are the Top Five Insane Premises From "Friends":
5. To avoid an awkward conversation, Rachel tells Joey that her boss asked to "buy her baby".
4. Ross and Joey take a nap in each other's arms and discover they like it
3. Joey discovers his identical hand twin and thinks he will make millions.
2. Phoebe changes her name to Princess Consuela Banana Hammock.
1. Monica thinks Chandler masturbates to shark documentaries.
I consider the first 2 seasons of "Friends" some of the best sitcom writing ever, and a big reason along with Seinfeld why there hasn't been a good sitcom since - they took all the premises.
The rest of the seasons of the show range from good to downright awful, though still watchable. Right now on channel 5 they play an old "Friends" episode at 11:00 and a newer episode at 11:30. This offers a great opportunity to compare and contrast early Friends and old Friends.
It's amazing to see the difference. The later ones pale in comparison - they ran out of stories to tell, yet still had to keep telling them. This resulted in some pretty insane shit. So herewith are the Top Five Insane Premises From "Friends":
5. To avoid an awkward conversation, Rachel tells Joey that her boss asked to "buy her baby".
4. Ross and Joey take a nap in each other's arms and discover they like it
3. Joey discovers his identical hand twin and thinks he will make millions.
2. Phoebe changes her name to Princess Consuela Banana Hammock.
1. Monica thinks Chandler masturbates to shark documentaries.
Monday, February 15, 2010
The Dork Bachelor, Fantasy Suites
What happens when you give a dork a fantasy suite with 3 easy women? We're about to find out...
St. Lucia. Jake tells us he's falling in love with each of the girls for different reasons. What's the Vienna reason again?
Interesting side note: out of the 3 finalists, 2 have been cheated on, 1 is a cheater. And of course, Jake "assumes" he's been cheated on. A bunch of real prizes we got here.
Jake wonders about Ali, and what it would be like if she were there. We then flash to San Francisco and Ali's sad bedroom. She can't sleep, and she doesn't want to be without Jake and she's going to "fight for him". I wish there was some notion of time here. Because it seems like it's the day after she left and makes no sense.
Gia is first up. Ever since I met her mom, she just hasn't been the same to me. I see the future, and it has an annoying accent. Oh no. Jake dances. Huge mistake. That is a white boy. Although that does help dispel the gay rumors.
Gia has crazy fake boobs. They're way up on her chest. It's like she's constantly wearing a turtle neck of boob.
Jake says he would "love to see nothing more than Gia open up completely". He's talking about anal, right?
Jake starts giving a speech to Gia about what he wants and shit. I feel a "in the past, I've just been too perfect" bit coming soon. Know what's good for making you less perfect? Vienna.
On a hammock, Jake pops a...fantasy suite card. Gia acts like she doesn't watch the show. She's up for it. And as I noted the other day, I think the fantasy suite will include lots of hot, steamy, prayer.
They get in a tub together and Jake goes for it...that's right, a side head hug! Oh man, this is getting serious.
2nd date is with Tenley. Now the big thing is when you see each other for the first time you have to run and do a "jump hug". Everybody's doing it. I blame Vienna. Not that she started it, I just blame her for everything.
Helicopter!
It's so obvious that Tenley wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for Ali's dumb dramatics. Jake tells her that 20 years after being married he'll still have that "boy crush" on his wife. I'm sure he has lots of boy crushes - Zac Efron, Robert Pattinson...
Tenley is nervous about the fantasy suite because she hasn't been with another man since her marriage. Wow, I think this is the first time ever that someone has directly said fantasy suite = sex. Ironically, it's during the season with a bachelor where fantasy suite = watching High School Musical.
Tenley says spending the night with someone "isn't something I just do". Maybe that was the problem with the marriage. Loosen up, lady. And lose the little girl voice while you're at it.
It's funny how Tenley is exactly what you'd expect a girl named Tenley to be like.
The thing I like about this though is that when she says yes to the fantasy suite, you know she's actually saying yes to banging. I wish they'd show her face when Jake gets ready for business and puts a "Twilight" dvd in.
Ugh, I hate prudes.
3rd date is with Vienna. Jake loves that "she doesn't miss a moment of life". Yeah, like that time she stole her husband's money for a boob job while he was fighting for our freedom. She didn't miss that opportunity.
I've said this before, but my dream is that Vienna won, and Jake has been watching in horror as all her skeletons keep coming out of the closet. Know what else is in the closet? Jake.
Jake sees "a lot of myself in Vienna". That's cause she has a man face.
They go on a boat. Then they walk the plank, and Jake pushes Vienna into the water. Then Jake does a perfect pike. Seriously, he dove like he's Greg Fucking Louganis. No straight man can dive like that, unless they're Chinese. That dive was hilarious.
Jake asks if she's ready to be married. Ready? She's already done it. He then asks what kind of ring she likes. Vienna: "Are we gonna do gold or white gold?" Jake: "Platinum" Vienna "Okay, that's perfect". Careful, she might pawn it for some lipo.
The fantasy suite cards are given to them by Chris Harrison. Doesn't that make him a pimp? Chris has arranged more fucking than Don Magic Juan.
Sorry, had to turn the channel, Vienna came out in lingerie...
We're back. It's the next morning. Jake is in the bathroom, doing his normal exfoliating/moisturizing routine. The phone rings. It's Ali. This is so lame, if only because they did it with Ed last season.
Also, how are the cameras at her place and how'd she get the hotel's phone number? And how does she like Jake? Nothing makes sense. And in season's past, the person would just show up at the hotel, a la Reid. So we know he's not taking her back or else they wouldn't do this bullshit phone bit.
I think this whole thing was just to set her up for the Bachelorette. One thing is for sure, when Jake and Ali talk about this it's the most boring shit in Bachelor history. Enough.
Jake puts on a shirt and the camera zooms in on his stomach. Easy. I haven't seen this much focus on abs since Usher's "Confessions" album.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Tenley is gone. It should be noted here that Vienna looks gross. Awful dress, awful face.
TENLEY - Oh fuck. Why? That means Gia is a goner.
VIENNA - I don't want to live in a world where Vienna gets picked over Gia in anything except for most disgusting.
This is crazy. Seriously, crazy. This guy is a nut. But it makes me happy, because now I know for sure that Vienna "wins". Ha. That's what you get, dummy.
Jake gives Gia the goodbye speech. How pissed would you be? A) this douche is dumping you. B) He's dumping you for Vienna. She cries and is very gracious about the other girls.
Who would you rather see as the Bachelorette: Gia or Ali? Please cast your vote in the comments. Can we at least agree that either one is much better than Jillian? Good.
Next week: the women tell all! And Rozlyn comes back! That's actually something worth watching.
Much love, goodnight.
St. Lucia. Jake tells us he's falling in love with each of the girls for different reasons. What's the Vienna reason again?
Interesting side note: out of the 3 finalists, 2 have been cheated on, 1 is a cheater. And of course, Jake "assumes" he's been cheated on. A bunch of real prizes we got here.
Jake wonders about Ali, and what it would be like if she were there. We then flash to San Francisco and Ali's sad bedroom. She can't sleep, and she doesn't want to be without Jake and she's going to "fight for him". I wish there was some notion of time here. Because it seems like it's the day after she left and makes no sense.
Gia is first up. Ever since I met her mom, she just hasn't been the same to me. I see the future, and it has an annoying accent. Oh no. Jake dances. Huge mistake. That is a white boy. Although that does help dispel the gay rumors.
Gia has crazy fake boobs. They're way up on her chest. It's like she's constantly wearing a turtle neck of boob.
Jake says he would "love to see nothing more than Gia open up completely". He's talking about anal, right?
Jake starts giving a speech to Gia about what he wants and shit. I feel a "in the past, I've just been too perfect" bit coming soon. Know what's good for making you less perfect? Vienna.
On a hammock, Jake pops a...fantasy suite card. Gia acts like she doesn't watch the show. She's up for it. And as I noted the other day, I think the fantasy suite will include lots of hot, steamy, prayer.
They get in a tub together and Jake goes for it...that's right, a side head hug! Oh man, this is getting serious.
2nd date is with Tenley. Now the big thing is when you see each other for the first time you have to run and do a "jump hug". Everybody's doing it. I blame Vienna. Not that she started it, I just blame her for everything.
Helicopter!
It's so obvious that Tenley wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for Ali's dumb dramatics. Jake tells her that 20 years after being married he'll still have that "boy crush" on his wife. I'm sure he has lots of boy crushes - Zac Efron, Robert Pattinson...
Tenley is nervous about the fantasy suite because she hasn't been with another man since her marriage. Wow, I think this is the first time ever that someone has directly said fantasy suite = sex. Ironically, it's during the season with a bachelor where fantasy suite = watching High School Musical.
Tenley says spending the night with someone "isn't something I just do". Maybe that was the problem with the marriage. Loosen up, lady. And lose the little girl voice while you're at it.
It's funny how Tenley is exactly what you'd expect a girl named Tenley to be like.
The thing I like about this though is that when she says yes to the fantasy suite, you know she's actually saying yes to banging. I wish they'd show her face when Jake gets ready for business and puts a "Twilight" dvd in.
Ugh, I hate prudes.
3rd date is with Vienna. Jake loves that "she doesn't miss a moment of life". Yeah, like that time she stole her husband's money for a boob job while he was fighting for our freedom. She didn't miss that opportunity.
I've said this before, but my dream is that Vienna won, and Jake has been watching in horror as all her skeletons keep coming out of the closet. Know what else is in the closet? Jake.
Jake sees "a lot of myself in Vienna". That's cause she has a man face.
They go on a boat. Then they walk the plank, and Jake pushes Vienna into the water. Then Jake does a perfect pike. Seriously, he dove like he's Greg Fucking Louganis. No straight man can dive like that, unless they're Chinese. That dive was hilarious.
Jake asks if she's ready to be married. Ready? She's already done it. He then asks what kind of ring she likes. Vienna: "Are we gonna do gold or white gold?" Jake: "Platinum" Vienna "Okay, that's perfect". Careful, she might pawn it for some lipo.
The fantasy suite cards are given to them by Chris Harrison. Doesn't that make him a pimp? Chris has arranged more fucking than Don Magic Juan.
Sorry, had to turn the channel, Vienna came out in lingerie...
We're back. It's the next morning. Jake is in the bathroom, doing his normal exfoliating/moisturizing routine. The phone rings. It's Ali. This is so lame, if only because they did it with Ed last season.
Also, how are the cameras at her place and how'd she get the hotel's phone number? And how does she like Jake? Nothing makes sense. And in season's past, the person would just show up at the hotel, a la Reid. So we know he's not taking her back or else they wouldn't do this bullshit phone bit.
I think this whole thing was just to set her up for the Bachelorette. One thing is for sure, when Jake and Ali talk about this it's the most boring shit in Bachelor history. Enough.
Jake puts on a shirt and the camera zooms in on his stomach. Easy. I haven't seen this much focus on abs since Usher's "Confessions" album.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Tenley is gone. It should be noted here that Vienna looks gross. Awful dress, awful face.
TENLEY - Oh fuck. Why? That means Gia is a goner.
VIENNA - I don't want to live in a world where Vienna gets picked over Gia in anything except for most disgusting.
This is crazy. Seriously, crazy. This guy is a nut. But it makes me happy, because now I know for sure that Vienna "wins". Ha. That's what you get, dummy.
Jake gives Gia the goodbye speech. How pissed would you be? A) this douche is dumping you. B) He's dumping you for Vienna. She cries and is very gracious about the other girls.
Who would you rather see as the Bachelorette: Gia or Ali? Please cast your vote in the comments. Can we at least agree that either one is much better than Jillian? Good.
Next week: the women tell all! And Rozlyn comes back! That's actually something worth watching.
Much love, goodnight.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
2 Other People at Work Have Also Never Had Soup
That's right. Me, and 2 other dudes at work have never had soup in our entire lives. There's a hidden society of soup deniers and we are just starting to feel comfortable about coming out. Maybe we're the normal ones and you're the weird ones, so suck it.
Monday, February 08, 2010
The Dork Bachelor, Hometown Visits
Really bad day today, this may be more hateful than normal...
First up, Jake goes to New York to visit Gia's family. If you've read Us Weekly lately, you know that Gia had her schnoz fixed. And it used to be a real honker. Does this bother me? No. I'm just amazed she did nothing to fix her clown mouth.
But this nose thing may explain why she's still single and thinks Jake is good. She's still looking at things through her old nose.
Gia tells Jake a sob story about the evil men in her life. It seems she's been cheated on repeatedly. One of her boyfriends cheated on her with "all of (her) friends". Gia really has self esteem issues. But once again, that was old nose esteem.
It suddenly becomes apparent that Gia's accent is not actually a result of the clown mouth as previously thought, instead it's a New York thing. Her mom shows off a heavy dose of it. She's a hard woman, and has not had a nose job. Jake should think about this, because they'll have a kid who will have that nose. My grandma had a nose job back in the '60's and the Handleman lineage has bared the mark of that original schnocker ever since.
Gia's brother has the same hair style as DJ Paulie D from Jersey Shore. I wonder if he has wheels of steel adorned with the Italian flag. But he needs to do more G-T-L...that's Gym/Tan/Laundry. With the emphasis on the G and the L.
Jake gets one on one time with Gia's mom, who asks him "how will you protect her?" I think she's implying that he's a sissy. Gia's family might be in the mob. Jake is clearly uncomfortable and has never met big city folk like this.
DJ Paulie D asks Jake about getting cheated on, and Jake says "I probably have been cheated on but I didn't know about it". This makes me laugh. I love that he just assumes it.
The second date is in Massachusetts with Ali. Oh God, yet another neighborhood for her to show off. Jake says "this is like a 2nd home visit...which puts you a little ahead". Yeah, you're some prize.
Jake seems a little more excited to be here with Ali than he was with Gia. He even gives her the coveted "side head hug".
Ali takes Jake to her dead grandma's house. The place is pretty much empty except for a creepy photo of her grandma on the fireplace. Yikes. I think this is how the movie "Paranormal" starts.
Next, they had over to visit members of Ali's family who are still alive. Ali's mom looks like her except with horrible, horrible bangs. No one ever listens to me. They've got some Helen Hunt running through that family.
It isn't mentioned why her father isn't there, but there isn't a creepy photo of him around so I assume he's still breathing somewhere.
Ali's older sister is chubby and despises Ali for her looks. This isn't talked about but it's there as subtext.
Jake is good with parents. Why? Because he's completely asexual. There's nothing this guy would rather talk about than "family" and "values" and "respect". He's the guy you want your daughter to go out with because you know he's gonna be too busy working on his abs to be having sex with her.
Ali says that if Jake asked her to marry him today that she would say yes. This would freak the fuck out of any heterosexual man. Of course, it's the greatest thing Jake has ever heard. This is not normal. You've known him for 2 weeks. You've never seen his apartment. I'm just glad your grandma's photo isn't around to see this.
Third date is in Oregon with Tenley. Jake says "I really admire her core values". Ha! Didn't I just say he likes stuff like that? I would love if there could be a guy on this show that would say "I really admire her ass". Then Tenley says "I really value family". Shut up. If you valued family so much you wouldn't have gotten divorced, you trollop.
Tenley asks Jake what kind of relationship he has with his parents. I swear to God this is the first time any of the girls have asked Jake a personal question of any kind. Finally!
Jake is even taken aback by it. He's like "what do you mean?" He then explains that he runs everything by his parents and they give good advice. Really? Have you consulted them on your sideburns?
Up until this point we didn't even know if Jake had parents. I thought the movie Top Gun fucked Leave It To Beaver and Jake magically appeared.
She takes him to a dance studio to dance for him. That's when things get uncomfortable. He has to sit there where she does a dumb, non-stripper dance. I was hoping the whole time that the record playing classical music would scratch and "Can a Nigga Get a Table Dance" would come on. Nope.
Jake says he has an incredible connection with Tenley. He very clearly has no connection with Tenley. She's gone after this.
We meet Tenley's family - her parents and hot sister. This is interesting. Jake must be wondering if the sister's ever been married. Then he can get all the hotness of Tenley (plus better boobleys), without the horrible taint of divorce.
Tenley's dad says that he saw Jake on "The Bachelor" and thought Tenley should go out with him. Wait...Tenley's dad watches "The Bachelor"? What a homo. Then her dad cries. He's very broken up about Tenley's divorce. So is Jake.
Her mom says that Tenley is "going to have emotional spillovers". Just what every man wants to hear.
Jake asks Tenley's dad for permission to propose. He didn't do that on the other dates. What does that mean? Uh, nothing. Just trying to throw us off the scent.
Tenley says "thanks for taking the time to meet my f--" Jake interrupts by smacking her in the face with a kiss. This guy tries too hard all the time.
Final date is in Florida with Vienna, the plastic surgery having, military hating, secret ex husband marrying, spoiled unattractive girl. Jake asks her if her dad "liked the guy (she) married". WHAT? Has this ever been discussed? I do not remember her ever mentioning being married before this, am I wrong?
Wait, I just dug through the Handleman archives and found this, from the 2nd episode:
So I guess this is the military man who she bilked for some new boobs. I totally forgot about her revealing that to Jake.
Vienna and her dad look exactly alike, except of course Vienna has a mustache.
Vienna says she's never felt this way before, she's never been in love...um, what about the time where you married that guy?
Jake gets alone time with Vienna's dad. He is a big weirdo. Vienna and her dad have a strange relationship, and when I say strange I mean that in a Mackenzie Phillips/Papa John Phillips kinda way.
Jake is back in LA in his hotel room. There's a knock on the door. It's Ali. Something is wrong. She starts crying. She says "I have an impossible decision to make..." I wonder if she's talking about her pants, because she chose wrong.
She says she has to choose between staying here and going back to work. Didn't we already do this with Ed last season? Clear out your schedules, people. Love is at stake!
Ali wants his help. Well, unless he's your boss, I'm not sure what he can do.
Jake says he can't guarantee anything. There's a vote of confidence.
I was okay with the housing market collapsing, the stock market falling, and the unemployment rate skyrocketing, but ruining a chance for two people who were meant to be together is where I draw the line with this economy. I won't have it, Ben Bernanke, I just won't have it!
Jake talks about the girls. He says "he can't let go of Gia. There's something that I love about her, and it's not her beauty". And you're trying to tell me he's straight?
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Before it starts, Ali asks to talk to Chris for a second. Ali has a funny "sad" look on her face. It's unintentionally hilarious. This job seems like a convenient excuse for getting the hell out of this situation. You'd think she'd want to stay in there just to fuck over Vienna somehow.
Ali seems to be trying to manipulate him into revealing his master plan. Sorry honey, that's not how the show works. Maybe Ali is actually a horrible person. That would make me feel better, because I'm very confused as to why she likes Jake.
Chris walks back in to tell her we need a decision and there's a shot of her panties! Whoa, didn't see that coming. First a nip slip and now some beav, this girl does have her bright spots.
Finally, she says "I have to go". Well it's about damn time. She dragged that out forever, what a drama queen. That spoiled me on Ali. And gee, I wonder if she'll come during the finale (or next week) and proclaim her love.
Funny moment: Jake was unable to close the car door, and awkwardly had to shove it 3 times.
I usually never want to turn the channel or fast forward during this show, but this really pushed my limits. Just boring and lame. Why did they play this out for a half an hour and Rozlyn only got a few minutes?
There is no rose ceremony. Everyone advances, even Tenley - saved for another week. I have an idea:
Ali should get a sub. Tenley's sister gets her spot! How great would that be? Sisters battling it out. It would be like when Venus and Serena play each other, only with skinny white girls.
Chris tells the other girls that "Ali has left". They all break out in smiles. Not one hint of concern from any of them. I love it. They're in it to win it.
Tomorrow they go to St. Lucia.
Ali cries in the limo. Shut up. We all know your boss is going to magically give you more time off to come back.
This episode sucked. But at least next week we get the fantasy suites! And the predictable phone call from Ali. And the most homoerotic pose in Bachelor history!
Can someone get this man a shirt?
Goodnight.
First up, Jake goes to New York to visit Gia's family. If you've read Us Weekly lately, you know that Gia had her schnoz fixed. And it used to be a real honker. Does this bother me? No. I'm just amazed she did nothing to fix her clown mouth.
But this nose thing may explain why she's still single and thinks Jake is good. She's still looking at things through her old nose.
Gia tells Jake a sob story about the evil men in her life. It seems she's been cheated on repeatedly. One of her boyfriends cheated on her with "all of (her) friends". Gia really has self esteem issues. But once again, that was old nose esteem.
It suddenly becomes apparent that Gia's accent is not actually a result of the clown mouth as previously thought, instead it's a New York thing. Her mom shows off a heavy dose of it. She's a hard woman, and has not had a nose job. Jake should think about this, because they'll have a kid who will have that nose. My grandma had a nose job back in the '60's and the Handleman lineage has bared the mark of that original schnocker ever since.
Gia's brother has the same hair style as DJ Paulie D from Jersey Shore. I wonder if he has wheels of steel adorned with the Italian flag. But he needs to do more G-T-L...that's Gym/Tan/Laundry. With the emphasis on the G and the L.
Jake gets one on one time with Gia's mom, who asks him "how will you protect her?" I think she's implying that he's a sissy. Gia's family might be in the mob. Jake is clearly uncomfortable and has never met big city folk like this.
DJ Paulie D asks Jake about getting cheated on, and Jake says "I probably have been cheated on but I didn't know about it". This makes me laugh. I love that he just assumes it.
The second date is in Massachusetts with Ali. Oh God, yet another neighborhood for her to show off. Jake says "this is like a 2nd home visit...which puts you a little ahead". Yeah, you're some prize.
Jake seems a little more excited to be here with Ali than he was with Gia. He even gives her the coveted "side head hug".
Ali takes Jake to her dead grandma's house. The place is pretty much empty except for a creepy photo of her grandma on the fireplace. Yikes. I think this is how the movie "Paranormal" starts.
Next, they had over to visit members of Ali's family who are still alive. Ali's mom looks like her except with horrible, horrible bangs. No one ever listens to me. They've got some Helen Hunt running through that family.
It isn't mentioned why her father isn't there, but there isn't a creepy photo of him around so I assume he's still breathing somewhere.
Ali's older sister is chubby and despises Ali for her looks. This isn't talked about but it's there as subtext.
Jake is good with parents. Why? Because he's completely asexual. There's nothing this guy would rather talk about than "family" and "values" and "respect". He's the guy you want your daughter to go out with because you know he's gonna be too busy working on his abs to be having sex with her.
Ali says that if Jake asked her to marry him today that she would say yes. This would freak the fuck out of any heterosexual man. Of course, it's the greatest thing Jake has ever heard. This is not normal. You've known him for 2 weeks. You've never seen his apartment. I'm just glad your grandma's photo isn't around to see this.
Third date is in Oregon with Tenley. Jake says "I really admire her core values". Ha! Didn't I just say he likes stuff like that? I would love if there could be a guy on this show that would say "I really admire her ass". Then Tenley says "I really value family". Shut up. If you valued family so much you wouldn't have gotten divorced, you trollop.
Tenley asks Jake what kind of relationship he has with his parents. I swear to God this is the first time any of the girls have asked Jake a personal question of any kind. Finally!
Jake is even taken aback by it. He's like "what do you mean?" He then explains that he runs everything by his parents and they give good advice. Really? Have you consulted them on your sideburns?
Up until this point we didn't even know if Jake had parents. I thought the movie Top Gun fucked Leave It To Beaver and Jake magically appeared.
She takes him to a dance studio to dance for him. That's when things get uncomfortable. He has to sit there where she does a dumb, non-stripper dance. I was hoping the whole time that the record playing classical music would scratch and "Can a Nigga Get a Table Dance" would come on. Nope.
Jake says he has an incredible connection with Tenley. He very clearly has no connection with Tenley. She's gone after this.
We meet Tenley's family - her parents and hot sister. This is interesting. Jake must be wondering if the sister's ever been married. Then he can get all the hotness of Tenley (plus better boobleys), without the horrible taint of divorce.
Tenley's dad says that he saw Jake on "The Bachelor" and thought Tenley should go out with him. Wait...Tenley's dad watches "The Bachelor"? What a homo. Then her dad cries. He's very broken up about Tenley's divorce. So is Jake.
Her mom says that Tenley is "going to have emotional spillovers". Just what every man wants to hear.
Jake asks Tenley's dad for permission to propose. He didn't do that on the other dates. What does that mean? Uh, nothing. Just trying to throw us off the scent.
Tenley says "thanks for taking the time to meet my f--" Jake interrupts by smacking her in the face with a kiss. This guy tries too hard all the time.
Final date is in Florida with Vienna, the plastic surgery having, military hating, secret ex husband marrying, spoiled unattractive girl. Jake asks her if her dad "liked the guy (she) married". WHAT? Has this ever been discussed? I do not remember her ever mentioning being married before this, am I wrong?
Wait, I just dug through the Handleman archives and found this, from the 2nd episode:
Vienna has to tell Jake a "secret". Virgin alert! Nope. Turns out that when she was 17 she was engaged to her "Pastor's son". After this, the Pastor's son married someone else and had a kid. For some reason, this made her elope with some other dude. They got divorced 4 months later. This is the most complicated secret ever. And it must be so confusing for Jake: Pastor = good, elope = bad, Vienna's face = unfortunate.
So I guess this is the military man who she bilked for some new boobs. I totally forgot about her revealing that to Jake.
Vienna and her dad look exactly alike, except of course Vienna has a mustache.
Vienna says she's never felt this way before, she's never been in love...um, what about the time where you married that guy?
Jake gets alone time with Vienna's dad. He is a big weirdo. Vienna and her dad have a strange relationship, and when I say strange I mean that in a Mackenzie Phillips/Papa John Phillips kinda way.
Jake is back in LA in his hotel room. There's a knock on the door. It's Ali. Something is wrong. She starts crying. She says "I have an impossible decision to make..." I wonder if she's talking about her pants, because she chose wrong.
She says she has to choose between staying here and going back to work. Didn't we already do this with Ed last season? Clear out your schedules, people. Love is at stake!
Ali wants his help. Well, unless he's your boss, I'm not sure what he can do.
Jake says he can't guarantee anything. There's a vote of confidence.
I was okay with the housing market collapsing, the stock market falling, and the unemployment rate skyrocketing, but ruining a chance for two people who were meant to be together is where I draw the line with this economy. I won't have it, Ben Bernanke, I just won't have it!
Jake talks about the girls. He says "he can't let go of Gia. There's something that I love about her, and it's not her beauty". And you're trying to tell me he's straight?
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Before it starts, Ali asks to talk to Chris for a second. Ali has a funny "sad" look on her face. It's unintentionally hilarious. This job seems like a convenient excuse for getting the hell out of this situation. You'd think she'd want to stay in there just to fuck over Vienna somehow.
Ali seems to be trying to manipulate him into revealing his master plan. Sorry honey, that's not how the show works. Maybe Ali is actually a horrible person. That would make me feel better, because I'm very confused as to why she likes Jake.
Chris walks back in to tell her we need a decision and there's a shot of her panties! Whoa, didn't see that coming. First a nip slip and now some beav, this girl does have her bright spots.
Finally, she says "I have to go". Well it's about damn time. She dragged that out forever, what a drama queen. That spoiled me on Ali. And gee, I wonder if she'll come during the finale (or next week) and proclaim her love.
Funny moment: Jake was unable to close the car door, and awkwardly had to shove it 3 times.
I usually never want to turn the channel or fast forward during this show, but this really pushed my limits. Just boring and lame. Why did they play this out for a half an hour and Rozlyn only got a few minutes?
There is no rose ceremony. Everyone advances, even Tenley - saved for another week. I have an idea:
Ali should get a sub. Tenley's sister gets her spot! How great would that be? Sisters battling it out. It would be like when Venus and Serena play each other, only with skinny white girls.
Chris tells the other girls that "Ali has left". They all break out in smiles. Not one hint of concern from any of them. I love it. They're in it to win it.
Tomorrow they go to St. Lucia.
Ali cries in the limo. Shut up. We all know your boss is going to magically give you more time off to come back.
This episode sucked. But at least next week we get the fantasy suites! And the predictable phone call from Ali. And the most homoerotic pose in Bachelor history!
Can someone get this man a shirt?
Goodnight.
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Sometimes I Have to Pretend to Be a Man
As a heterosexual man who recaps The Bachelor, is frightened of dogs and all animals, and has an encyclopedic knowledge of every episode of Beverly Hills 90210, it can be difficult for me to blend in with normal male society. For example:
A member of Team Handleman wanted to go out for drinks recently. We'd never been out for drinks or anything else before, and only know each other from email and phone conversations and various business deals. So this was going to be a new experience. And that's when I have to start the lies in my attempts to seem like a man.
The first question: Do you like dive bars?
Of course I don't like dive bars. I like to be around attractive people, that's why I don't live in Reno.
Seriously, why do people like dive bars? I've heard this a lot. I'm unclear about it. Is it just to laugh at poor people and alcoholics? Cause I like to do that by watching "Rock of Love".
My answer: Yes, yes I love dive bars.
So we meet up and go to order drinks. We both order beers. But then he adds, "I'll have a shot of tequila too. You want one?"
No, I do not want a shot of tequila. Are you insane? I love my throat. Adore it. And by the way, it's a Monday. I don't have a 10:40am college algebra class in the morning, I have to get up and make english muffins before work.
My answer: Yes, yes I would love a shot of tequila.
Near the end of the night, he asks if I want to get some tacos. This has been a trend I've been fighting my entire life: it seems like everyone after a night of drinking loves to go eat as much food as possible. Not me. I like to get home quickly, give the teeth a good scrub, masturbate, and get some shut eye.
But I am clearly in the minority on this one. Oh, one other problem: I don't like mexican food. Yes, I know, my food issues, I'm not saying I'm not insane. When I do get Mexican food, it's tacos with no meat in them. Do you think I'm gonna risk my manhood revealing that to someone I want to impress?
My answer: Yes, yes I would love some Mexican food and tacos with beef and other gross stuff in them.
Finally, the end of the night. The lying gets to end. My manhood is preserved. And at last, time to head home, maybe draw a nice bath, or just settle into bed, watch an old 90210, and service myself to Kelly and Brenda (after she fixed her eyebrows).
A member of Team Handleman wanted to go out for drinks recently. We'd never been out for drinks or anything else before, and only know each other from email and phone conversations and various business deals. So this was going to be a new experience. And that's when I have to start the lies in my attempts to seem like a man.
The first question: Do you like dive bars?
Of course I don't like dive bars. I like to be around attractive people, that's why I don't live in Reno.
Seriously, why do people like dive bars? I've heard this a lot. I'm unclear about it. Is it just to laugh at poor people and alcoholics? Cause I like to do that by watching "Rock of Love".
My answer: Yes, yes I love dive bars.
So we meet up and go to order drinks. We both order beers. But then he adds, "I'll have a shot of tequila too. You want one?"
No, I do not want a shot of tequila. Are you insane? I love my throat. Adore it. And by the way, it's a Monday. I don't have a 10:40am college algebra class in the morning, I have to get up and make english muffins before work.
My answer: Yes, yes I would love a shot of tequila.
Near the end of the night, he asks if I want to get some tacos. This has been a trend I've been fighting my entire life: it seems like everyone after a night of drinking loves to go eat as much food as possible. Not me. I like to get home quickly, give the teeth a good scrub, masturbate, and get some shut eye.
But I am clearly in the minority on this one. Oh, one other problem: I don't like mexican food. Yes, I know, my food issues, I'm not saying I'm not insane. When I do get Mexican food, it's tacos with no meat in them. Do you think I'm gonna risk my manhood revealing that to someone I want to impress?
My answer: Yes, yes I would love some Mexican food and tacos with beef and other gross stuff in them.
Finally, the end of the night. The lying gets to end. My manhood is preserved. And at last, time to head home, maybe draw a nice bath, or just settle into bed, watch an old 90210, and service myself to Kelly and Brenda (after she fixed her eyebrows).
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
If You Didn't Hate Vienna Before...
EXCLUSIVE: Bachelor's Vienna Drained Ex's Savings on Boob Job
Wednesday – February 03, 2010 – 10:26am
Bachelor contestant Vienna Girardi is not only a nightmare on the hit ABC show -- apparently, she is one in real life.
The new Us Weekly (on newsstands now) reports that Girardi -- an unemployed, 23-year-old former Hooters waitress -- withdrew her ex-husband Josh Riley's last $5,000 from his bank account to pay for breast implants while he was deployed in Iraq with the Marines.
Are these reality stars cursed?
"She took every bit of his money," her former mother-in-law Gale tells Us Weekly. "I know that boob job was the first thing she had done."
What's more, when Riley returned from his tour of duty (he was injured in Iraq during an explosion), Girardi "had locked his belongings in storage and would not tell us where they were," Gale tells Us.
Meow! Look back on famous reality show catfights
Riley, who was wed to Girardi for just 10 months after eloping, tells Us Weekly that he also discovered that while he was in Iraq, "she slept with one of my buddies I was deployed with ... I'm 99 percent sure she cheated on me."
Adds Riley, "Marrying her was a mistake."
Bachelor contestant Vienna Girardi is not only a nightmare on the hit ABC show -- apparently, she is one in real life.
The new Us Weekly (on newsstands now) reports that Girardi -- an unemployed, 23-year-old former Hooters waitress -- withdrew her ex-husband Josh Riley's last $5,000 from his bank account to pay for breast implants while he was deployed in Iraq with the Marines.
Are these reality stars cursed?
"She took every bit of his money," her former mother-in-law Gale tells Us Weekly. "I know that boob job was the first thing she had done."
What's more, when Riley returned from his tour of duty (he was injured in Iraq during an explosion), Girardi "had locked his belongings in storage and would not tell us where they were," Gale tells Us.
Meow! Look back on famous reality show catfights
Riley, who was wed to Girardi for just 10 months after eloping, tells Us Weekly that he also discovered that while he was in Iraq, "she slept with one of my buddies I was deployed with ... I'm 99 percent sure she cheated on me."
Adds Riley, "Marrying her was a mistake."
This is the perfect storm of horribleness. Use all his money on a boob job? Check. Cheated on one of our brave soldiers while he's wounded in battle in defense of our freedoms? Yep. Hid his belongings in storage? Of course.
I wouldn't be surprised if she also hates babies and kittens and Haiti.
There's still time to jump aboard Team Ali with me.
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Yes, Yes I am a Genius
Remember when I wrote this prediction about the season premiere of "Lost"?
"...and I will sound like an idiot to people who have already seen it. But my guess is the first shot is back on flight 815."
It is so good to be right. I'm especially pleased with myself over this one because it's the first "Lost" guess I've ever got right. I didn't even care what happened the rest of the show, the fact that they were back on flight 815 made it all worthwhile.
As I always do, I'm gonna reserve judgement until we get farther along in the season. But I will say that the guy who plays John Locke needs his props. He is the best. Screw Ben. Michael Emerson is Ben in real life. The Locke guy has mad range, respect it.
One more thing: it's funny how Lost always proclaims "it's time for some answers!" And then always ends up presenting a million more questions. It constantly makes me wonder; who the hell is watching this shit besides me? It's too fucking insane. I love that there are enough nerds out there to support it.
"...and I will sound like an idiot to people who have already seen it. But my guess is the first shot is back on flight 815."
It is so good to be right. I'm especially pleased with myself over this one because it's the first "Lost" guess I've ever got right. I didn't even care what happened the rest of the show, the fact that they were back on flight 815 made it all worthwhile.
As I always do, I'm gonna reserve judgement until we get farther along in the season. But I will say that the guy who plays John Locke needs his props. He is the best. Screw Ben. Michael Emerson is Ben in real life. The Locke guy has mad range, respect it.
One more thing: it's funny how Lost always proclaims "it's time for some answers!" And then always ends up presenting a million more questions. It constantly makes me wonder; who the hell is watching this shit besides me? It's too fucking insane. I love that there are enough nerds out there to support it.
Monday, February 01, 2010
The Dork Bachelor, Episode 5
You have to respect ABC. One night, it's The Bachelor, the next it's Lost. That is entertainment diversity. MLK Jr. would be proud. On with the show...
They're still on those damn RVs, now headed to San Francisco. It's just like Pretty Woman! But on a winnebago!
Things begin with the cheesiest shot I've ever seen: It's Jake emerging from some revolving doors in a leather jacket, just breathing in a gob full of life. He's yours for the taking if you want him, Scientology. I don't even know that means but I know it's true.
Tenley, er, eight and a halfley, gets the one on one date. Coincidentally, she jumps up and down on the couch excitedly. Where's Oprah? They go to Chinatown so Jake can get the cream of some young guy. He's wearing all black with a turtleneck. Gee, I don't know if Jake's gonna fit in in San Francisco.
Back at the house, Corrie announces that the 2 on 1 date is going to be Ali and Vienna, the mortal enemies. They're about to scratch each others eyes out until...Corrie says "psych!" Nice. Actually, it's gonna be Vienna and Gia. Thank God. We wouldn't want the show to get interesting.
Jake thinks he's falling for Tenley, but he's freaked out about the fact that she's been married. The va jay jay's been forever tainted, and he can't get over it.
As I'm watching their date, I suddenly realize that Jake and Tenley look exactly alike! Have you noticed this? They look like brother and sister, with Jake of course being the sister in that equation.
Tenley questions "pilots and faithfulness". Jake says "cheating is a choice. The woman I marry is the last woman I look at". And probably the first.
Vienna, Gia, and Gia's clown mouth head off in a limo for the date. Gia is also wearing a turtleneck. What the hell is going on? Does the bay area turn everyone into turtle neck lovers? Maybe so, because I just had an intervention with my dad in Oakland over his mock turtles. It was a difficult process, the first step was admitting he had a problem. He was like Tom Sizemore with those mock turtles.
Gia feels like a third wheel because "Jake and Vienna are so tight". I'm sorry, but if you go out with Vienna and Gia and treat Gia like a third wheel, you are questionable.
Vienna says that "while Gia's around I'm gonna treat her like she's not even there. It's all in the name of love". And bitchery.
Vienna complains about Ali and then totally fake cries. Gia watches in awe. Jake tells her he has it down to the best 5 and he doesn't care what anyone thinks. While doing this, he moves away from Vienna and closer to Gia and then asks Gia for some alone time. Good call, buddy. He's trying to be like my girl Mary J. Blige, no more drama.
Gia says she is the most insecure here. Why is that always the way? The hot girl's insecure, the ugly girl is as secure as can be. That's why when you go to the gym only the fat disgusting people are walking around naked. No one wants to see it, ugly girls. We want to see Gia, whose all covered up with 2 towels.
My issue with this season's Bachelor: I feel like the girls aren't even questioning Jake. They've already made a decision that he's awesome and going from there. Why? Who is this guy? Why is he considered awesome to them? Try and remember, this is a dude Jillian wanted nothing to do with. Jillian!
I'm really missing Chris Harrison's "Coming up!" at every commercial break this season.
While Jake and Gia make out, Vienna wanders around trying to cock block. Then she gets her alone time. Vienna tells Jake what married life would be like, and she goes on to describe a fairy tale world that's exactly what Tenley described as the problem with marriage. That's right, not every day is filled with travel and bungee jumping and romantic nights in winnebagos. It's marriage, it sucks.
Shirtless Jake! Vienna and Gia are sleeping in the same room. Vienna decides to go find Jake in his room because during their one on one time "Jake's mind was somewhere else". Yeah, it was on Gia's hot body.
Jake interviews that he was "not quite nekkid" in his bed when Vienna came in, "looking sexy as hell", with 2 glasses of wine. Sexy as hell? The hell part I believe. He has to "assure" us that he had dirty thoughts. Sure you did. He says "nothing was gonna happen, it was rated G all the way". Can't hate on him though, I'd keep things with Vienna rated G too. G for gross.
Corrie's face gets the final one on one date. Corrie says "I haven't dated just to date". Jake quickly adds "me neither!" Oh boy. I don't believe this boy scout has ever gotten his laid badge.
Corrie is not the kind of girl that goes in for the kiss. She goes "10, he goes 90". Jake says, a man should lean in, "I go 80, she goes 20". That was weird. Instead they both go zero.
Jake says "have you ever been to a museum after hours?" Hasn't everybody? Oh wait, I guess she's not a museum janitor or Ben Stiller.
It should be noted that Corrie has a hot body. She's one of the girls who looks great during casting, and then you get her on camera and you realize she has a face like James Van Der Beek.
Uh oh, Corrie reveals that she's saving herself for marriage. Upon hearing this, Jake reacts the way any straight man would: as if it's the greatest thing he's ever heard. Sorry, she's 23 and a virgin. That's not normal or good in any way...unless you're Jake. Cause I'm pretty sure he's saving himself too...for the real James Van Der Beek.
Time for Ali's date. She's super excited to show Jake her "neighborhood". I never know what to show people in my neighborhood. "Uh, this is Los Muchachos, where I get soft tacos with no meat. This is the Jamba Juice where I get a Berry Lime Sublime on Friday mornings. And this is my neighbor's dog that I'm afraid of. End of tour."
Jake buys her flowers. Ali says "you're my big flower". He's a daisy, all right.
Ali is a little too desperate. Why? Has she been living in the real world? I'm pretty sure dudes would love her, what's been happening? I blame stupid gay San Francisco.
Ali hints at issues with her family. Big warning flag for Jake. He needs the Virgin Mary, er, Corrie. Say what you want about Ali, but if you take Vienna out of the equation, everyone is getting along swimmingly.
Jake finally sacks up and asks Ali if anything is bothering her, trying to drag Vienna dirt out of her. Ali handles it like a pro, knowing any shit talking will get her ass kicked to the curb. Very smart. She says all the right things - if you pick me, that's all that matters, etc.
Jake keeps drilling and drilling and forces Ali to say it. But she doesn't even say it. He says "about Vienna?" and she just says yes. That seemed a little wrong. I feel like Ali had to win some fans back with that exchange.
It's final rose ceremony time, and we finally see Vienna's horrible, horrible hairdo that was teased last week. And it's as awful as advertised. How can she not look around and go "what the hell am I doing here"? I admire her courage.
Corrie says that "just because I'm a virgin doesn't mean I'm not in touch with my sensual side". Yes, yes it does. My experiences with virgins are well documented here. Let me repeat, it's not fun. Whores are where it's at.
Jake actually says: "it's not about sex appeal"! No wonder Vienna is still there.
Jake tells Gia that "you're not like any of the 4 women". Meaning she's not blonde.
If you watch this show thinking that Vienna is retarded, you will think that she is a retard. I swear. Next time you watch, think about that and you will be amazed.
This guy is crazy into Vienna. It's bizarre.
Tenley is an A cupley. Small bubbies.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
My guess? It's Tenley or Corrie. I'm going with...Corrie.
TENLEY - out of the gate? That's surprising.
ALI - my prediction is still looking strong.
GIA - hell yes.
VIENNA - i wrote her name in before he even said it. No brainer. Unfortunately for everyone involved, she's not a virgin.
Sorry Corrie, but even this virgin doesn't want a virgin. Brutal. The only time telling people you're a virgin is a good thing is in 3rd world countries.
Jake says "I was disappointed in how long it was taking her to open up. And I really really worried that Corrie would never open up fully". He actually said that! That's too easy. And when you do get her to open up, it's really messy.
On that disgusting note, next week is hometown visits. This shit is moving fast, right? And in the tease for next week, a huge shocker: Jake cries. The Bachelor is Tammy Faye Baker. And yes, that is an old reference because I'm old. Now shut up and go to bed, see you next week!
They're still on those damn RVs, now headed to San Francisco. It's just like Pretty Woman! But on a winnebago!
Things begin with the cheesiest shot I've ever seen: It's Jake emerging from some revolving doors in a leather jacket, just breathing in a gob full of life. He's yours for the taking if you want him, Scientology. I don't even know that means but I know it's true.
Tenley, er, eight and a halfley, gets the one on one date. Coincidentally, she jumps up and down on the couch excitedly. Where's Oprah? They go to Chinatown so Jake can get the cream of some young guy. He's wearing all black with a turtleneck. Gee, I don't know if Jake's gonna fit in in San Francisco.
Back at the house, Corrie announces that the 2 on 1 date is going to be Ali and Vienna, the mortal enemies. They're about to scratch each others eyes out until...Corrie says "psych!" Nice. Actually, it's gonna be Vienna and Gia. Thank God. We wouldn't want the show to get interesting.
Jake thinks he's falling for Tenley, but he's freaked out about the fact that she's been married. The va jay jay's been forever tainted, and he can't get over it.
As I'm watching their date, I suddenly realize that Jake and Tenley look exactly alike! Have you noticed this? They look like brother and sister, with Jake of course being the sister in that equation.
Tenley questions "pilots and faithfulness". Jake says "cheating is a choice. The woman I marry is the last woman I look at". And probably the first.
Vienna, Gia, and Gia's clown mouth head off in a limo for the date. Gia is also wearing a turtleneck. What the hell is going on? Does the bay area turn everyone into turtle neck lovers? Maybe so, because I just had an intervention with my dad in Oakland over his mock turtles. It was a difficult process, the first step was admitting he had a problem. He was like Tom Sizemore with those mock turtles.
Gia feels like a third wheel because "Jake and Vienna are so tight". I'm sorry, but if you go out with Vienna and Gia and treat Gia like a third wheel, you are questionable.
Vienna says that "while Gia's around I'm gonna treat her like she's not even there. It's all in the name of love". And bitchery.
Vienna complains about Ali and then totally fake cries. Gia watches in awe. Jake tells her he has it down to the best 5 and he doesn't care what anyone thinks. While doing this, he moves away from Vienna and closer to Gia and then asks Gia for some alone time. Good call, buddy. He's trying to be like my girl Mary J. Blige, no more drama.
Gia says she is the most insecure here. Why is that always the way? The hot girl's insecure, the ugly girl is as secure as can be. That's why when you go to the gym only the fat disgusting people are walking around naked. No one wants to see it, ugly girls. We want to see Gia, whose all covered up with 2 towels.
My issue with this season's Bachelor: I feel like the girls aren't even questioning Jake. They've already made a decision that he's awesome and going from there. Why? Who is this guy? Why is he considered awesome to them? Try and remember, this is a dude Jillian wanted nothing to do with. Jillian!
I'm really missing Chris Harrison's "Coming up!" at every commercial break this season.
While Jake and Gia make out, Vienna wanders around trying to cock block. Then she gets her alone time. Vienna tells Jake what married life would be like, and she goes on to describe a fairy tale world that's exactly what Tenley described as the problem with marriage. That's right, not every day is filled with travel and bungee jumping and romantic nights in winnebagos. It's marriage, it sucks.
Shirtless Jake! Vienna and Gia are sleeping in the same room. Vienna decides to go find Jake in his room because during their one on one time "Jake's mind was somewhere else". Yeah, it was on Gia's hot body.
Jake interviews that he was "not quite nekkid" in his bed when Vienna came in, "looking sexy as hell", with 2 glasses of wine. Sexy as hell? The hell part I believe. He has to "assure" us that he had dirty thoughts. Sure you did. He says "nothing was gonna happen, it was rated G all the way". Can't hate on him though, I'd keep things with Vienna rated G too. G for gross.
Corrie's face gets the final one on one date. Corrie says "I haven't dated just to date". Jake quickly adds "me neither!" Oh boy. I don't believe this boy scout has ever gotten his laid badge.
Corrie is not the kind of girl that goes in for the kiss. She goes "10, he goes 90". Jake says, a man should lean in, "I go 80, she goes 20". That was weird. Instead they both go zero.
Jake says "have you ever been to a museum after hours?" Hasn't everybody? Oh wait, I guess she's not a museum janitor or Ben Stiller.
It should be noted that Corrie has a hot body. She's one of the girls who looks great during casting, and then you get her on camera and you realize she has a face like James Van Der Beek.
Uh oh, Corrie reveals that she's saving herself for marriage. Upon hearing this, Jake reacts the way any straight man would: as if it's the greatest thing he's ever heard. Sorry, she's 23 and a virgin. That's not normal or good in any way...unless you're Jake. Cause I'm pretty sure he's saving himself too...for the real James Van Der Beek.
Time for Ali's date. She's super excited to show Jake her "neighborhood". I never know what to show people in my neighborhood. "Uh, this is Los Muchachos, where I get soft tacos with no meat. This is the Jamba Juice where I get a Berry Lime Sublime on Friday mornings. And this is my neighbor's dog that I'm afraid of. End of tour."
Jake buys her flowers. Ali says "you're my big flower". He's a daisy, all right.
Ali is a little too desperate. Why? Has she been living in the real world? I'm pretty sure dudes would love her, what's been happening? I blame stupid gay San Francisco.
Ali hints at issues with her family. Big warning flag for Jake. He needs the Virgin Mary, er, Corrie. Say what you want about Ali, but if you take Vienna out of the equation, everyone is getting along swimmingly.
Jake finally sacks up and asks Ali if anything is bothering her, trying to drag Vienna dirt out of her. Ali handles it like a pro, knowing any shit talking will get her ass kicked to the curb. Very smart. She says all the right things - if you pick me, that's all that matters, etc.
Jake keeps drilling and drilling and forces Ali to say it. But she doesn't even say it. He says "about Vienna?" and she just says yes. That seemed a little wrong. I feel like Ali had to win some fans back with that exchange.
It's final rose ceremony time, and we finally see Vienna's horrible, horrible hairdo that was teased last week. And it's as awful as advertised. How can she not look around and go "what the hell am I doing here"? I admire her courage.
Corrie says that "just because I'm a virgin doesn't mean I'm not in touch with my sensual side". Yes, yes it does. My experiences with virgins are well documented here. Let me repeat, it's not fun. Whores are where it's at.
Jake actually says: "it's not about sex appeal"! No wonder Vienna is still there.
Jake tells Gia that "you're not like any of the 4 women". Meaning she's not blonde.
If you watch this show thinking that Vienna is retarded, you will think that she is a retard. I swear. Next time you watch, think about that and you will be amazed.
This guy is crazy into Vienna. It's bizarre.
Tenley is an A cupley. Small bubbies.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
My guess? It's Tenley or Corrie. I'm going with...Corrie.
TENLEY - out of the gate? That's surprising.
ALI - my prediction is still looking strong.
GIA - hell yes.
VIENNA - i wrote her name in before he even said it. No brainer. Unfortunately for everyone involved, she's not a virgin.
Sorry Corrie, but even this virgin doesn't want a virgin. Brutal. The only time telling people you're a virgin is a good thing is in 3rd world countries.
Jake says "I was disappointed in how long it was taking her to open up. And I really really worried that Corrie would never open up fully". He actually said that! That's too easy. And when you do get her to open up, it's really messy.
On that disgusting note, next week is hometown visits. This shit is moving fast, right? And in the tease for next week, a huge shocker: Jake cries. The Bachelor is Tammy Faye Baker. And yes, that is an old reference because I'm old. Now shut up and go to bed, see you next week!
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