Wednesday, March 31, 2010

My Wacky Movie Ideas

One of my favorite movies of all time is "Out of Sight", even though it starred Jennifer Lopez. It's about a US Marshall and a career criminal who fall in love, but can't be together.

Soon after seeing that film, I entered film school. I was a young buck filled with wild ideas I was eager to write. But which one should I write first?

I studied "Out of Sight". What made that movie so good? Well, it must have something to do with two characters who desperately wanted each other but absolutely could not under any circumstances be together. I thought to myself, maybe I should come up with something like that...

But who can't be together? FBI Guy and a terrorist, maybe. Siblings, true, but gross (funny thing is, they actually ended up making that movie, "Say It Isn't So", starring Chris Klein and Heather Graham at the height of their careers). Who else?

And that's when it hit me. I quickly started writing, and writing, and writing. It went so easily. I really thought I had something.

It was a comedy, a romantic comedy, between a Jew and a Nazi.

Surprisingly, people didn't take to it. It wasn't long before it occupied a section of my closet (that would soon be filled with many other dumb ideas).

Looking back, it was ridiculous. I mean, what normal person goes out with a Nazi? Who could ever believe that someone, anyone, even an America's Sweetheart type person, would ever, ever go out with a Nazi.



I gotta start coming up with more realistic shit.

Monday, March 29, 2010

The Benefits of Being an Old Man

I am staying at the beach in San Diego for a couple days. There are a lot of "spring breakers" here.

Tonight was like any other night. At 8pm I showered and got into my sweatpants and prepared for some "Dancing With the Stars". I poured myself a glass of wine. And heck, as a little treat, I boiled some water and prepared some delicious edamames.

As I settled into the couch for the night, drinking and eating and watching (totally not fair that there is a Pussy Cat Doll in this "competition"), there was a commotion right outside my sliding glass door.

It was two gentleman engaged in a full on brawl. One of them was pummeling the crap out of the other. It was quite shocking, but also very entertaining.

I debated whether or not to go out there. On the one hand, I might get dragged into it somehow, on the other hand, I wanted to get better seats for this terrific bout.

Although I envisioned some version of this scenario:

"Hey wine faggot, what are you looking at?"

I opened the door anyway.

Some girls came around the corner yelling, "Jordan! Jordan! Stop! Stop punching him!"

The combatants stumbled away and the girls chased after. One of them stopped when she saw me. She turned, looked at me, and said:

"Sorry, sir"

Saturday, March 27, 2010

They Call Him Bitch Tits


Chinese doctors are baffled by a male dairy farmer’s bizarre condition: They believe he has the largest man boobs in the world.

Guo Feng, 53, says the condition began about 10 years ago when he began to gain weight, but thought nothing of it. But now he says “In the last few years it’s become unbearable and I have been from one hospital to the other with nobody able to help me.”

Doctors say they don’t want to do anything until they can identify the problem, but one thing they do agree on is that his breasts aren’t cancer related and contain only fatty tissue.

He added: “I have spent all my money on examinations and tests and am still no nearer a solution – in fact my breasts are now bigger than ever.”

The ridicule his condition has drawn in his village is so disturbing that he says he plans to cut his breasts off himself if doctors don’t help him.


http://www.tabloidprodigy.com/?p=11915



How funny is it that he's a "dairy farmer"? And why does this weird crap always happen to asian dudes? I wonder if he's ever asked a girl "do my giant tits make my dick look small?"

Friday, March 26, 2010

Weekend Reading

In a writer's room, it's difficult to be shocked by anything. Nothing is funny anymore unless it is very, very offensive. That's why most casual joking involves either AIDS or 9/11. I prefer AIDS.

Anyway, one day someone made a joke about 9/11. Then we started talking about it, and we were wondering whether or not anyone above where the planes hit survived.

I quickly looked it up on the internet and found the story I'm about to share with you. I sent it to everyone in the room and read it myself. It's long, but I couldn't stop reading it and I don't think you will be able to either.

I'm surprised that there hasn't been more attention to this man and this story (however it is very possible that there has been and I just missed it). If you're bored this weekend, I suggest you read this...

source: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/wtc/above.html


A SURVIVOR'S STORY

Brian Clark, an executive vice president at Euro Brokers, a brokerage firm that had offices on the 84th floor of 2 World Trade Center, was one of only a few people to escape either tower from above the floors where the planes struck.


Like any normal day I arrived at about 7:15 in the morning. That particular day was more or less flawless weather—beautiful day, blue sky. I don't remember the temperature, but we had an unseasonably warm fall, and I'm assuming that that day was equally pleasant.

I have been at Euro Brokers for over 29 years now. I started as a trainee broker in 1973, and for the last 14 or 15 years I've been in management. Most recently my title's been Executive Vice President. I've been one of several people who manage the company. One minor responsibility I had that turned out to be significant that day, however, was I was one of about eight or 10 people that had volunteered to be a fire marshal.

THE FIRST PLANE
As I said, I arrived about 7:15 and got my morning coffee. I went about my normal chores. I don't really recall any extraordinary events that morning until 8:46 and change, when, sitting with my back to the west wall—I had a private office, with my desk facing my door and my back to the window—I heard an enormous thump. I didn't feel any vibration, but there was a noticeable sound like a boom or thump, and the lights buzzed for a second. My eyes jerked up to look at my overhead lights.

“The entire airspace behind me was filled with flame.”

There was suddenly this glare, and my attention was immediately caught. I spun my head around, and the entire airspace behind me was filled with flame. I didn't know what it was at the time, but it was the fuel from the first jet hitting the North Tower that had gone right through that tower and out over the airspace, south of Tower One, the North Tower. That same airspace was west of the South Tower, the tower I was in on the 84th floor.

My immediate thought was there had been an explosion one or two floors above our office. That's what I thought had happened in that first instant. Being one of the fire marshals, I was equipped with a whistle and flashlight in my office. I jumped up, grabbed them, put the whistle around my neck, and more or less yelled, "Get out! Everybody get out!" This all took me five seconds. When I looked behind me out the window, the flames were all gone, and thousands of papers were just fluttering in the air, the edges of which were all on fire. It was like flaming confetti. Very strange.

I should have realized but didn't realize at the time that the area that all this was happening in was so huge. But I still wasn't computing that in my mind; still it was two floors up in my mind. So I ran out of my office, just a yard or two into an area where some accountants sit, and other people in offices, and I said, "Come on, let's go, there has been an explosion," and I started to get people off the floor.

Now, we are a trading operation. Our customers are not individuals, but large financial trading institutions around the world, like a Barclay's Bank or the Royal Bank of Canada. So we have in our trading floor many television sets tuned to financial news information. Well, all of these stations cut away to their news departments, and there were these breaking news stories that an airplane had hit the World Trade Center. The story developed literally within minutes, and we understood fairly soon, I would say within three or four minutes, that an airliner had hit One World Trade Center. At least that's my recollection of the timeframe.

Well, we knew now that the damage had been done to Tower One, not our Tower, so we relaxed a little bit about evacuation. Nonetheless, many people in the first minute had bolted for the stairs and were on their way down. Good news in retrospect, but at the time it was like, Oh boy, I guess we don't have to leave. The TV sets were telling us, and now there were photographs of One World Trade Center and the smoke coming out of the upper floors, I think the 92nd floor and above. The fire marshals like myself were content to let people go or stay. Really, in a way, it didn't matter.

I called my wife and told her, "You know, you won't believe this but Tower One has been hit. We are fine where we are. Relax, turn on the TV, there is a developing story there, find out what's happening."

THE ANNOUNCEMENT
At about five minutes to nine there was an announcement by the Port Authority within our building. First the strobe lights flashed, as they did during their normal fire drills. The alarm system gave a little bit of a whoop whoop, you know, to alert you to an announcement about to be made. Then the very familiar voice, the one we heard all the time, came over the system and said, "Building Two is secure. There is no need to evacuate Building Two. If you are in the midst of evacuation, you may return to your office by using the re-entry doors on the re-entry floors and the elevators to return to your office. Repeat, Building Two is secure...."

“‘Building Two is secure. There is no need to evacuate Building Two.’”

And they went through the whole story again. So this was reinforcement that there was no need to evacuate. I am strictly guessing but I would think we were perhaps down to about 25 people left on our floor at the time of the announcement. (I had gone for a walk through our office.) Now, as I say, the pressure was off, and there wasn't a panic, although we were greatly concerned about what was going on in Tower One.

If you went to the north wall windows, you could look up and see the flames and the smoke and regrettably people now starting to jump, because of heat, smoke, or whatever it was. I'm only telling this secondhand because I personally could not take myself to the window to view that. I just didn't want that image burned in my brain, and I'm forever grateful that I didn't go and take in that sight.

One girl in particular—Susan her name was—turned from the window when she noticed the first person (for her) jump. She hadn't noticed it before, and she spun around in tears almost frantically, ran to me, and said "Oh, Brian, it's terrible. People are dying." I said, "Susan, it's a terrible tragedy," and I put my arms around her, and I said "Come on, let's get you more composed," and we walked out of the trading floor down the hall. In the building the center core was crossed hallways. There was a north-south hallway and an east-west hallway. I walked with her from the east side through the center core to the west side, where the ladies room was, and she went into the ladies room. (Regrettably, Susan did not survive the eventual collapse of the building.)

THE SECOND PLANE
I continued on to the west side near my office. I was fairly near the windows talking with two or three people, including especially Bobby Coll. I was looking him in the eye having a conversation with him when at apparently 9:03—I didn't check my watch—the second plane hit the south side of our building at approximately the 78th, 79th, and 80th floors. Our room fell apart at that moment, a complete destruction without an explosion—very strange things. The lights went out, but we were near the window so there was daylight. Again, there was this sort of thump, this explosion without fire and flame, a very strange sensation.

“I just felt in my heart, Oh my gosh, we are going over.”

There was a twist, if you like, to the building when it got hit, and therefore the plane's hitting explained some things to me later, like why the ceiling fell apart. The ceiling tiles and some of the brackets and so on fell; some air conditioning ducts, speakers, cables, and things like that that were in the ceiling fell. I seem to have a sense that some of the floor tiles even buckled a bit or were moved. Some of the walls, I recall vaguely, were actually torn in a jagged direction rather than up and down. Again perhaps explained by the torque, some of the door frames popped out of the wall and partially fell or fully fell.

For seven to 10 seconds there was this enormous sway in the building. It was one way, and I just felt in my heart, Oh my gosh, we are going over. That's what it felt like. Now, on windy days prior to that there was a little bit of a sway to the building. You got used to it; you didn't notice it. The window blinds would go clack clack as they swung. As I said, for a good seven to ten seconds I thought it was over—horrible feeling—but then the building righted itself. It didn't sway back and forth; it just went one way, it seemed, and then back, and we were stable again.

I was looking at Bobby Coll square in the eyes, and we knew in an instant that it was terrorism. I mean, there wasn't for sure terrorism on people's minds when the first building had been hit. Was it pilot error? Was it instrument error? Or just a one-off suicide? Horrible as it was, you didn't know for certain that it was terrorism. But when the second building got hit you instantly calculated the two of them: terrorism.

THE EVACUATION
So we knew we were in a difficult situation at that point in time. I fortunately had a flashlight with me, and I'm glad I did. I switched it on, and we started out of the room. Our room was not black with smoke but sort of white with chalky construction dust. It was incredibly dusty and dirty as we made our way out of the room and over some debris that had fallen from the ceiling and so on past the ladies room where I had taken Susan maybe 10 minutes earlier, and we went to this center core, this crossroads in the middle of the building.

At that point, had we gone three or four yards straight ahead to the east, we would have come to Stairway B. I have no idea what condition it was in because we didn't know what had happened, we didn't know where this plane had hit, we didn't know if it was a plane, we didn't know anything other than suddenly we were in chaos and our building had been hit. I could have turned right three yards to Stairway C, closer to the impact point. I had no idea what condition that stairway was in. Miraculously, at random I turned left to Stairway A, which on the floor plate is the farthest from where the impact really was.

“‘Help! Help! I'm buried. I can't breathe. Is anybody there?’”

So we started down that stairway. We only went three floors. There was a group of seven of us, myself and six others. I remember some of the names. Now, I know everybody at Euro Brokers, but in my mind somehow I blanked out who those other grey shapes were; they were farther up the stairs a bit, not in the light of the flashlight. I do remember Bobby Coll, Kevin York, David Vera, and Ron DiFrancesco.

We met two people that had come up from the 80th floor, a heavy-set woman and by comparison a rather frail male companion of hers, a workmate. She was saying from the landing below, "Stop, stop you've got to go up," and she labored up to join us, moving very slowly; she was such a big woman. She said, "You've got to go up. You can't go down. There is too much smoke and flames below." I had my flashlight, and I was shining it in each face as people made comments, and an argument ensued as to what we should do.

THE RESCUE
At the same moment as this argument was going on I heard bang, bang, bang, thump, thump, thump, "Help! Help! I'm buried. I can't breathe. Is anybody there? Can you help me?," a strange voice coming from within the 81st floor. I heard this voice, and it caused me to lose concentration in this argument that was going on about whether to head up or down. I grabbed Ron by the sleeve, and I said "Come on, Ron. Let's get this fellow."

The fire escape door had blown away from the wall a bit, but we were able to push the dry wall back and step between the door frame and the dry wall, squeeze onto the 81st floor, which was in darkness, but again I had my flashlight. I scanned the room, and I said, "Who's there? Where are you?" He said, "Oh, I can see your light."

What my light beam was showing me was similar to being on a very foggy road at night, because it was white dust everywhere. He said, "No, to the right ... to the left ..." In about a minute, Ron and I located his voice. He said, "Can you see my hand?" His hand was sticking out of the wall, or not the wall but this area where he was covered and blocked by some debris. He was waving his hand frantically, and my light picked up his hand. I said, "Okay, see you now."

And at that moment my associate Ron who came down with me was overcome with smoke. He had a gym bag or a briefcase with him, and he was sort of putting it in front of his face in an attempt to filter the air. It clearly wasn't working, and Ron, with eyes shut, backed off the floor. He was almost completely overcome by the smoke.

Again, miraculously, I was in a bubble. I was breathing fine. I was squinting a bit, but I could work, and I struggled to get debris away from Stanley—I found out later his name was Stanley Praimnath; he worked at Fuji Bank.

We got to the point I couldn't do any more work from my side, and I said, "You've got to jump. You've got to get over this last barrier." Well, he jumped once and fell back down. I said, "Come on, you've got to do this. It's the only way out." I reached in again, and Stanley jumped, and I got him by the collar or the shoulder or somewhere there. He said later that I just pulled him up like Superman. I don't remember having this extraordinary strength, but he says it really did happen that way. I pulled him out and onto me, and we fell in a heap and embraced. It was an exciting moment, it really was.

“‘I had to see my wife. I had to see my kids at all costs.’”

Now, Ron had gone. He had gone back to the stairway and was not there when we got back to the stairs. The other people had gone up as I left with Ron to go in on the 81st floor. I had this vision of Bobby Coll and Kevin York each with a hand under each elbow of this heavy-set woman starting to ascend the stairs, saying things like, "Come on. We are in this together. We will help you. Relax, we'll be with you." And up they went. And Dave Vera, who had a walkie-talkie, started back up the stairs as well. That's the last I saw of those people.

Now, I didn't know whether Ron had gone up or down, I assumed down because he was with me going down. I learned later that Ron went up; in fact, he went all the way up to the 91st floor. He later told me that he lay on the floor there for 10 minutes until he panicked. He told me, "I had to see my wife. I had to see my kids at all costs. I was gonna make it out." And he went to the stairway and went all the way down, following me, I guess, by five to seven minutes, because I took my time going down the stairway. It was not intentional; it was just that some events happened.

THE DESCENT
So Stanley and I went back to the stairs on the 81st floor, and we began down. The first five floors were difficult, because in certain areas dry wall had been blown off the wall and was lying propped up against the railing. We had to move it, shove it to the side. The sprinkler system had turned on and had started to do something, but it wasn't doing its job as it should, so there was water sloshing down the stairways. It was dark.

Now, the stairways didn't go straight down. There was one particular area around the 78th floor, I think, where you actually came to some strange twists. So we had to figure that out in the darkness, but we made some fortunate decisions. Around the 74th floor, I would say, we broke into what I call fresh air. The lights were on. It was normal conditions. There was not a problem breathing, and there was nobody there, not a soul, just Stanley and me. We were starting to have normal conversation. He was cut and bruised a bit, but he was fine conversing. I think he had his shirt off; he was just in his undershirt.

We continued on down. On the 68th floor, we met one man walking up. The man's name was Jose Marrero. He worked for Euro Brokers for many years. He worked in our security department, and he was also one of our fire marshals. Jose, I learned later, had been with many people of ours all the way down into the 30s and 40s on the stairway and figured, I guess, that he had done his job. Then he heard Dave Vera, who had started down with me, on his walkie-talkie saying that he needed help; he was helping people, could he get help.

“He was tending to a Caucasian male lying flat on the floor moaning in pain, with massive head wounds.”

So Jose, hero that he was, was walking up, perspiring, carrying his walkie-talkie. He said, "Oh, I can hear Dave above. I'm gonna help." I said, "Jose, Dave's a big boy, he can get out. We've just come through hell to get here. Come on down with us." "No, no, no," he said. "I'll be fine. I can help." Then Jose kept marching up. Jose was about 35 years old and quite fit, but when I passed him he was understandably laboring to climb the stairs. But he kept going. I don't know how high he got or what he found.

Stanley and I continued down until we got to the 44th floor—straight shot, saw nobody. On the 44th floor we went off, because I knew that was one of the sky lobbies in the Trade Center. There were sky lobbies on the 44th and 78th floors. Conditions on the 44th floor were normal other than there was nobody there, except for one—I'm guessing at his age—middle 60s, maybe 70s even Port Authority security guard who was tending to a Caucasian male lying flat on the floor moaning in pain, with massive head wounds. The security guard was saying, "I need help. My phones don't work, but I need medical attention for this man. I'll stay with him, I'll tend him, but you must promise to get help as soon as you can telephone somebody." Stanley and I said "okay" and went back to the stair.

THE CONFERENCE ROOM
We went down again. Nobody on the stairway at all. Easy travel, just the two of us. Lights on, fresh air all the way down to the 31st floor, where we went in at random and got into somebody's office. I don't know whether it was an advertising agency or a lawyer's office; I don't know whose it was. We got into their conference room, and each grabbed a phone.

I called my wife to tell her here's where I am; we'll have this great celebration at home. I hadn't talked to her since about five to nine, I suppose, and this was about 20 to 10. My wife had turned on the TV, and the first thing she had seen was the second plane slam into our building. So she had no idea where I was for that 45-minute stretch. I told her I was fine. Stanley talked to his wife, told her similar news.

I then called 9-1-1—coincidence 9/11—and was put on hold. This was a disturbing thing at the time. I got ahold of them right away and told them about this fellow on the 44th floor that needed medical attention, but they put me on hold. They said, "You must tell your story to somebody higher up the chain" and clicked me off. I'd wait until somebody came on, I'd recite the story, and "Oh, just a minute. You must tell somebody else." I mean, there was something clearly odd about what was going on there. They were answering the phone in a hurry, and I understand now they were completely overwhelmed at the time.

I was asked for a third time to tell somebody else my story, and I just laid down the law. I said, "No. I have given you the details. Here they are one more time," and I wouldn't let that person off the phone. I said, "I'm gonna tell you this once, and then I'm hanging up." I went through the details about the 44th floor, man on the ground, need a medic, need a stretcher, goodbye." I put down the phone. I don't feel badly about that but it was a strange, strange event in the midst of this whole story. We were probably in that conference room for four minutes I would think, and then it was back to the stairs.

THE GROUND FLOOR
Now, bear in mind we had no idea that the building was about to fall. We were taking our time. In fact, I said to Stanley at one point, "Hey, let's not go too fast here. I'd hate to break an ankle and have to walk 30 floors or something." So we took our time getting down. We went all the way down, again with nobody on the stairs, not firemen coming up, nobody else evacuating. So all the way down to the Plaza level. We came out by what's known as the "half-price ticket booth," where they sold theater tickets for half price. This was on the north side of the South Tower facing the Plaza.

“It looked like it had been deserted for 100 years, and we had just discovered it.”

We came out and stared, awestruck. What we looked at was normally a flowing fountain, vendors with their wagons, business people coming to and from the building, tourists everywhere. It was a beautiful people place, yet this area, several acres I'm sure, was dead; it was a moonscape. It looked like it had been deserted for 100 years, and we had just discovered it.

It was surreal, the whole thing was surreal. We stared at it for 20 or 30 seconds with our jaws dropped, saying, "What is happening here, this is very strange." We went down an escalator that wasn't working—all electricity was off, other than the emergency electricity, I guess, in the stairway—and through some revolving doors, because the women at the bottom of the escalator said to us, "If you're gonna leave the building you have to go this way, through there, and go down to the Victoria Secret shop, turn right, and exit by the Sam Goody store."

We knew where that was, so we walked very casually down that hallway, down the second hallway, and we were passing firemen and policemen who were going about their business, walking normal speeds. I didn't sense there was panic. It looked like they were under control, doing their job. There were other evacuees like Stanley and me, but there was no running or crowds. It was more or less deserted.

THE STREET
We got out to the south exit of Four World Trade Center on the southeast corner of the complex. Firemen and policemen stood at the door. One said, "Whoa, wait a minute fellows, if you are gonna cross Liberty Street, you had better go for it. There is debris falling from above." I recall saying, "Should I look up?" He said, "Well, I wouldn't. Just go for it."

I couldn't make myself do that. I crept out under the eaves, and I cautioned a look up this way and that way, and I said, "All right, Stanley, I don't see anything coming. Are you ready?" He said, "Yup," and after one more check, I said, "All right, let's go," and we ran across Liberty Street, which is quite wide at that point, several lanes. There was nobody there. It was very much like a demilitarized zone. There was no traffic. There were some emergency vehicles around but certainly no movement and really not very many people; people were noticeably absent.

“That’s when Stanley broke down. He cried to these ministers, ‘This man saved my life.’”

Across the road you could see some people standing in doorways protecting themselves from anything that might have been falling. We ran across the street, past the fire hall, which is on the corner, and up another block and caught our breath. There was a deli owner there. I said, "Have you got any water?" He went in and just handed us this water in bottles and said, "Here you go." I said, "Thank you." He said, "In fact, here is a breakfast platter. I don't think anybody is going to be picking that up." And he gave me this great tray with some fresh fruit on it and some sweet rolls. He was a very generous fellow at the time considering the conditions.

I carried this with me another block to the west side of Trinity Church, where we met a couple of ministers. That's when Stanley broke down. He cried to these ministers, "This man saved my life." He completely broke down. I was overcome with emotion as well, and I said, "You know, Stanley, you may think I saved your life but I think you saved my life, too. You got me out of that argument as to whether I should go up or go down. I'm here, and I'm fine, and it's because of your voice in the darkness that I made it." We embraced, and the ministers had a quick prayer, and one of them said, "You know, the church is open if you would like to go in there."

THE COLLAPSE
Stanley and I looked at each other, and we nodded and said, "All right, let's do that." So we walked to the south side of Trinity Church, which is a street that slopes up. As we walked up it we got higher and higher, and with the wall in relation to us going lower, we could now turn around and see the World Trade Center. We grabbed onto the fence railing of the cemetery and looked through the grate up at the Trade Center, and Stanley said to me, "You know, I think those buildings could go down." I said, "There is no way. Those are steel structures. That's furniture and paper and carpeting and draperies and things like that that are burning." But I didn't finish the sentence when Tower Two started to slide down.

I would say that we'd been out of the building maybe five minutes when the building collapsed. It disappeared into its own dust. What I thought had happened at that instant was only the top third or quarter of the building down to the fire line had collapsed. It was a horrible feeling. I mean, our whole escape was horrible when it was happening, but you at least thought people had a chance—until that moment. Then I knew that certainly in the top quarter of the tower there was no chance. We just stared at it in awe, not realizing what was happening completely.

We stared, watching, with nobody running or anything initially. But then this great tsunami of dust came over the church. Everybody looked up, and, as in a disaster movie, everybody started running in fear of the debris and dust that might be in there. But I knew there was nothing solid that was going to harm me, that the building hadn't fallen over. I knew that. But you didn't want to breathe the junk that was in there, so we ran down Broadway to 42 Broadway. We went into that building as the dust and smoke was catching up to our backsides. We got into that lobby with many other people, strangers doing the same thing. The air was clean in there, and people were milling around.

“I yelled and looked and walked back and forth but he was gone.”

I realized then that I was still carrying the silly fruit platter, so I plumped that down on the reception desk there, and people started digging into it. It was an odd thing that I didn't just chuck it aside when I was running. I wasn't even aware that I was carrying it.

We stayed for at least half an hour, I suppose. The ash settled. We went out the east side of that building, which was onto New Street. It was like a winter's day, grey sky. I suppose it was a quarter of an inch of dust and ash everywhere, but it looked like freshly fallen fine snow. We walked in amazement down the street. I was still thinking, of course, that only the top part of the tower had slid off or slid into itself or something like that. No cell phones, no land lines were working. There was no way to communicate with anybody by telephone.

We wandered over to the east side of Manhattan, the East River. Stanley gave me his business card, and thank goodness he did, because in the crowd that was walking, he and I suddenly got parted. He just disappeared into the crowd. I yelled and looked and walked back and forth but he was gone. I was very grateful I had his business card at that point, because I knew that he was real. My initial thought was, Whoa, this was an angel; this didn't happen. It was a strange feeling that slipped over me. But, hey, I had his business card, so I knew he was real.

THE FERRY
I wandered up FDR Drive on the east side of the island, thinking I was going to have to walk to mid-town to somehow get home to northern New Jersey where I live. But in this fog, in this white, wintry day, I heard someone on a bullhorn, "Next ferry for Jersey City." That's strange, I thought. I didn't even know there were ferries over here. Well, what the ferry company had done was reroute their ferries to the east side of the island; there's a pier over there, Pier 11. I thought, This is wonderful.

I jumped on that ferry. They certainly weren't charging. We sailed around the southern tip of Manhattan, up the Hudson River, and as we got parallel to the World Trade Center—the wind was blowing from north to south that day—it was then that I and many other people realized for the first time that both towers were completely down.

“This building I had worked in for 27 years was gone.”

I also realized that the first hint that I'd had of the second tower, that is, Tower One, coming down was when I had gotten on that ferry 15 minutes earlier, because a black cloud had enveloped the boat as I was getting on it. It was noticeable that with the South Tower, the one that fell first, the ensuing ash was white and grey, whereas with the second tower that fell, the North Tower, it was black. Now, if that was because it burned longer or what I don't know, but it was a noticeable difference.

But as we got parallel we could look over and see that both towers were gone. It was just a surreal feeling. Disbelief. How could this happen? Of course, at the time we knew nothing about the planes being hijacked, nothing about the Pentagon, nothing about the plane going down in Pennsylvania, or the FAA getting all planes out of the air. We were completely in the dark. But we could look off to the Trade Center on our right and see that this building I had worked in for 27 years was gone. It was a staggering thought. There was silence. People just couldn't believe it.

THE HOMECOMING
We sailed in silence to Harborside in Jersey City and got off the ferry. Well, I ran to the ticket booth. I think I was the first person there. I asked the lady if I could use the phone, and she said, "Absolutely." I called my wife, and I could hear the cheers back at home. This is now about 11:15, I think, and my building came down sometime around 10 a.m. The last time I had talked to my wife was at about 20 to 10, so for over an hour and a half she had no idea where I was. Certainly for an hour and 15 minutes she had seen the tower down and was quite beside herself.

Fortunately, the house was full of people. My wife, Dianne, had some neighbors there, members of our church, our minister. My older son, his wife and three children were there, along with my older daughter and my younger son and his fiancé. My youngest daughter is at school in Toronto, so she wasn't there, but it was a house full of people. So when I called, there was a great cheer of relief and just agony relieved.

They wanted to come and get me. I said, "Well, look, I know the traffic in the area will be horrible." So I ended up, with hundreds of other people, walking about a mile north. I was pretty tired at this point, but I walked that mile to the Hoboken train terminal. As I walked into the terminal at five to noon, there was an announcement that the 11:30 train, which had been delayed, would be leaving in five minutes. "All aboard for such and such a station," which was the station I needed to go to. So there was another bit of luck. I got on the train, and it left five minutes later.

I rode all the way to my station, got in my car, and drove the next 15 minutes to my home. When I hit the driveway, I honked the horn awfully loudly many times. There was then a front lawn full of tears and a reunion, and then for days the telephone didn't stop ringing. It was friends from all over the world, media, widows. (You know, we wouldn't call them widows at the time; their husbands were missing.)

Now, Ronnie, who I told you had gone up to the 91st floor and later told me he panicked and went down, when he exited the building it was at the very time when Tower Two was starting to fall. So the moment I was watching the building from Trinity Church was exactly the moment he was coming out of the same place I did, and he was caught in an explosion. He heard the explosion, swirled around, and a fireball was rushing at him from right at the doors where he was about to leave the building.

“We lost 61 friends—dear friends that we worked with and laughed with for years.”

He put his hands up in front of his face and got blown many, many yards across Liberty Street, which I'd run across earlier. He was severely burned in the arm, he had head wounds, cracked vertebrae. He doesn't remember really what happened right after that, but he ended up at St. Vincent's Hospital. They called his wife and told her he was fine, but she was unable to get to him for a couple of days because all the routes and tunnels were closed; they weren't allowing access back into Manhattan.

He didn't remember much those first several days, but he is now back at work on a part-time basis recovering and doing a great job. He's one of the heroes in my mind, because of that determination to get out.

That's my story. It was a long, horrific day, but for me it turned out all right. For many others, I'm deeply saddened that they aren't here. We lost 61 people in total, some of whom I think were either caught in elevators coming back to the office or had come back to the office. We'll never know for sure whether it was a wingtip and flames that caused their demise right on the 84th floor in the east side of the building, where a lot of our traders were, or whether it was smoke when they went higher, or whether it was the collapse of the building. Nonetheless, as I say, we lost 61 friends—dear friends that we worked with and laughed with for years.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Should Pierce Brosnan Be Allowed to Cheat?

This is an honest question.

Have you seen Pierce Brosnan lately? The man is beautiful. He does not change. If anything, he's even more handsome.

Okay, have you seen his wife lately? She is not holding up her end of the bargain. I'm not faulting her for this, I'm not making fun of her in anyway. But facts are facts.

So my question remains: should Pierce Brosnan be allowed to cheat?

Here is the happy couple on their wedding day...


Here is the happy couple at the beach...


They are lovely, aren't they? A perfect match.

Here is the happy couple at the beach RECENTLY...





Put it this way: would James Bond marry Kirstie Ally?

I know the vows are "for better and for worse", but Pierce is better and his wife is worse. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Look, I'm sure she's a lovely woman. But Pierce is perfect hunk of man meat. I'd fuck the shit out of him myself, but I have a strict rule about having sex with celebrities. And men. And British people.

And we all know how difficult it is for famous men to stay faithful, right Jesse James? And again, I'm sure Mrs. Bond is a delight, but at this point she's not exactly Elin Woods. So all I'm saying is, maybe a free pass is in order. Maybe it's just God's will that he should be with like attracted people.

A man has needs. A handsome, famous man has even more needs than that. So I guess my question is rhetorical, yes, Pierce Brosnan should be allowed to cheat.

And before you claim that I'm anti-fat or anti-woman, I will you tell you that, yes, Portia de Rossi should be allowed to cheat too...

A New Harris Poll Proves I Wasn't Lying

Yesterday I said the Republicans had gone insane. And I was just talking about the elected ones. Well, today a poll came out that asked Republican voters about their beliefs about President Obama.

Here are the results (i swear this is real):


67% HE'S A SOCIALIST

57% HE'S A MUSLIM

45% NOT BORN IN THE US

38% DOING THINGS HITLER DID

24% MAY BE THE ANTICHRIST

Monday, March 22, 2010

I Never Thought I'd Agree with David Frum

Health care passed last night. I'm pretty indifferent about it because it doesn't affect me much. What has got me fired up is the politics involved in passing it.

The conservative movement have lost their god damn minds. This bill that they are crying about is almost identical to the one Mitt Romney enacted in Massachusetts when he was governor. And he is the GOP frontrunner to run for president!

The bill is also extremely similar to the one the GOP put together as a counter to Bill Clinton's plan in 1993. It is has some elements that John McCain talked about when he was running for president.

But of course when it comes from Obama, it must be THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD.

The Republicans opposed it, every single of them, because they couldn't let Obama get something done. That's the only reason. It's actually a very centrist bill. There's no public option. It reduces the deficit. The reason it is these things is because Obama wanted bipartisanship. He didn't get it. Because he's a dirty, dirty, socialist.

Throughout this madness, I've been looking for a rational voice on the Republican side. The reason: I don't like big government and I don't like taxes or entitlements. So I was looking for someone saying something that I could get on board with, even if I didn't totally agree. And after all this time I only found one, and it's:

David Fucking Frum.

Frum is George W. Bush's former speech writer. He is most famous as the doucher who came up with the "axis of evil" speech. I a hate him. I've always hated him. He's been on Bill Maher's show and I hated him there.

And now suddenly the right wing has gone so insane that he is looking like a normal person. He wrote something today and I agree with every word of it and I'm frightened by that. But it's true. Here it is:

Waterloo
by DAVID FRUM

Conservatives and Republicans today suffered their most crushing legislative defeat since the 1960s.

It’s hard to exaggerate the magnitude of the disaster. Conservatives may cheer themselves that they’ll compensate for today’s expected vote with a big win in the November 2010 elections. But:

(1) It’s a good bet that conservatives are over-optimistic about November – by then the economy will have improved and the immediate goodies in the healthcare bill will be reaching key voting blocs.

(2) So what? Legislative majorities come and go. This healthcare bill is forever. A win in November is very poor compensation for this debacle now.

So far, I think a lot of conservatives will agree with me. Now comes the hard lesson:

A huge part of the blame for today’s disaster attaches to conservatives and Republicans ourselves.

At the beginning of this process we made a strategic decision: unlike, say, Democrats in 2001 when President Bush proposed his first tax cut, we would make no deal with the administration. No negotiations, no compromise, nothing. We were going for all the marbles. This would be Obama’s Waterloo – just as healthcare was Clinton’s in 1994.

Only, the hardliners overlooked a few key facts: Obama was elected with 53% of the vote, not Clinton’s 42%. The liberal block within the Democratic congressional caucus is bigger and stronger than it was in 1993-94. And of course the Democrats also remember their history, and also remember the consequences of their 1994 failure.

This time, when we went for all the marbles, we ended with none.

Could a deal have been reached? Who knows? But we do know that the gap between this plan and traditional Republican ideas is not very big. The Obama plan has a broad family resemblance to Mitt Romney’s Massachusetts plan. It builds on ideas developed at the Heritage Foundation in the early 1990s that formed the basis for Republican counter-proposals to Clintoncare in 1993-1994.

Barack Obama badly wanted Republican votes for his plan. Could we have leveraged his desire to align the plan more closely with conservative views? To finance it without redistributive taxes on productive enterprise – without weighing so heavily on small business – without expanding Medicaid? Too late now. They are all the law.

No illusions please: This bill will not be repealed. Even if Republicans scored a 1994 style landslide in November, how many votes could we muster to re-open the “doughnut hole” and charge seniors more for prescription drugs? How many votes to re-allow insurers to rescind policies when they discover a pre-existing condition? How many votes to banish 25 year olds from their parents’ insurance coverage? And even if the votes were there – would President Obama sign such a repeal?

We followed the most radical voices in the party and the movement, and they led us to abject and irreversible defeat.

There were leaders who knew better, who would have liked to deal. But they were trapped. Conservative talkers on Fox and talk radio had whipped the Republican voting base into such a frenzy that deal-making was rendered impossible. How do you negotiate with somebody who wants to murder your grandmother? Or – more exactly – with somebody whom your voters have been persuaded to believe wants to murder their grandmother?

I’ve been on a soapbox for months now about the harm that our overheated talk is doing to us. Yes it mobilizes supporters – but by mobilizing them with hysterical accusations and pseudo-information, overheated talk has made it impossible for representatives to represent and elected leaders to lead. The real leaders are on TV and radio, and they have very different imperatives from people in government. Talk radio thrives on confrontation and recrimination. When Rush Limbaugh said that he wanted President Obama to fail, he was intelligently explaining his own interests. What he omitted to say – but what is equally true – is that he also wants Republicans to fail. If Republicans succeed – if they govern successfully in office and negotiate attractive compromises out of office – Rush’s listeners get less angry. And if they are less angry, they listen to the radio less, and hear fewer ads for Sleepnumber beds.

So today’s defeat for free-market economics and Republican values is a huge win for the conservative entertainment industry. Their listeners and viewers will now be even more enraged, even more frustrated, even more disappointed in everybody except the responsibility-free talkers on television and radio. For them, it’s mission accomplished. For the cause they purport to represent, it’s Waterloo all right: ours.

source: http://www.frumforum.com/waterloo

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Pain in the Pooper

I have some time off for the first time in awhile. I'm enjoying myself by playing scrabble and spending hours in the tub.

Well, today as my alarm was going off at 10:15am, I noticed something was wrong. I had a sharp pain. How can I put this nicely? Okay, it felt as if someone came into my room in the middle of the night and ass raped me.

I went to the bathroom, reached around in there, and couldn't figure out what it was. I thought it might be related to a recent dining experience at Souplantation, but that was too long ago. It made no sense, and continued for the rest of the day.

And finally, after much soul searching and ass searching, I realized what it was:

I rode my bike yesterday for the first time in months.

I have bike ass.

Apparently bike ass is not like riding a bike, you forget what it feels like. And that shit hurts.

Fuck you, exercise.

Monday, March 15, 2010

20/20: The Bachelor Where Are They Now?

I'm not writing about this whole thing, but I just turned it on and they're talking about why Jake got chosen. Mike Fleiss says that they wanted it to be Reid, but Jake was just so sincere about finding a wife. And then Chris Harrison says this about Jake:

"He was really like one of our Bachelorettes"

Ha!!!

They're interviewing "Bachelor Bloggers". How am I not famous? I blame you guys.

Fleiss says that the Bachelor who slept with the most people on the show was Bob Guiney. That's not what I've heard. A very reliable source told me that the most whorey Bachelor was actually...Trista. That's true.

My favorite bachelor, Brad (or is it Chad?), makes a rare appearance. Post Bachelor life was rough on him. America hated him. He couldn't go out in public without hearing about it. And that's when a realization hit me like a punch to the gut:

This whole thing is twice as bad, because it means that Chad can't go out in public either!

Don't you get it? They are identical twins. It is physically impossible to tell them apart. Brad's pain is Chad's pain, people. The whole thing is so unfair. But that's what happens when two people are completely identical to one another in every single way.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I'm on Tosh.0 Tonight at 10:30 on Comedy Central

I get to fulfill a lifelong dream of throwing something at Daniel's head.

Sunday, March 07, 2010

The Academy Awards 2010

I keep hearing reports that Maggie Gyllenhaal had horrific plastic surgery recently, so I'm looking forward to seeing what that's all about. Otherwise, here are my thoughts as I watch...

Neil Patrick Harris is gay? Get outta town.

I don't like when the host or hosts say a celebrities name, and then there's applause for 5 minutes, and then joke. But other than that, I enjoyed the "that damn Helen Mirren" joke.

This is the best year for fat black people since they came out with (insert racist food joke).

When is Hollywood gonna wake up and realize that Taylor Lautner is the worst?

The Nazi guy wins for "Inglourious Basterds". He was great, no doubt. Not so sure about that movie though. For a movie called "Inglourious Basterds" there was very little of the Inglourious Basterds. I thought it was gonna be all about those guys running around France killing Nazis. Maybe it was all a distraction so we wouldn't notice we were paying to watch a Nazi guy and a blonde girl we've never heard of.

It's also distracting from the fact that Brad Pitt was absolutely awful in it. It's like he thought he was an SNL sketch.

Ugh, Miley Cyrus. So gross. She's the Taylor Lautner of girls.

They mentioned Eminem as one of the "greats" who has written an Oscar winning Best Original Song, but no shout out to Three 6 Mafia. I think we're all trying to forget that happened.

Maggie Gyllenhaal!!! She looks fine, well, for her. I don't notice anything. Weird.

"A Serious Man" is up for Best Screenplay (and Best Picture). I know of only one person who made it through that whole movie, and he's one of those people who tries to like things that everyone hates.

Thanks Molly Ringwald, for making my point about bangs. Sorry you had to do it on national TV.

Tribute to John Hughes. Now this is what they should be doing on this show. Oh shit. The Brat Pack + Macauley = Uncomfortable.

Hey Taylor Lautner, take a good look at Judd Nelson, pal.

Zoe Saldana needs to start eating some of what Gabourey Sadibe is eating.

Ben Still comes out as a Na'vi. Funny. Wish he wasn't such a dick.

Rachel McAdams has a caught a case of the skinnies. Why is that necessary? Eat, bitches! Has Kate Bosworth taught us nothing?

"Precious" wins Adapted Screenplay. That's a bit of an upset because of "Up in the Air". I'm happy about that because I heard Jason Reitman on a podcast and I couldn't believe how big of a douche he is. He was arguing that it was harder for him because of who his dad is. I know I've had it way easier in Hollywood because my dad sells plumbing supplies.

I hope all of you are on board with my "State of Play" comments, because seeing garbage like "A Serious Man" and "Nine" on here only bolsters my confidence in my argument.

Vera Farminga's head is blocking Scarlett Johansson's head. Move it, Farminga.

I'll believe Ana Kendrick is a good actress when she plays a character that is likeable.

Mo'Nique wins Best Supporting Actress. Tosh likes to remind everyone that Mo'Nique was in "Soul Plane".

Standing ovation? Why? I hate when comedians forget that they're comedians. Be funny.

How come costume designers are the worst dressers?

Horror montage. Who would ever think that "Leprechaun" would be shown at the Oscars?

By far the hottest girl at this show is Zac Efron. I'm trying to think how much better my life would've been if I had his hair.

Avatar wins for Best Cinematography. Oh yeah, he shot the shit out of that green screen. Speaking of that, why isn't Avatar up for Best Animated Film?

No one has less sense of humor than James Cameron. He just doesn't get it. But he is a genius. Interesting note about him: How many multi-millionaire's current wives are less attractive and older looking than the woman they married in the '80's? He got his trophy wife order mixed up.

Fisher Stevens is the real life Forest Gump.

I love the tenuous relationships involved in who presents each Best Picture nominee. Keanu is introducing Hurt Locker because he was in Point Break, also directed by Bigelow. They should have Tom Arnold introduce Avatar.

No Tom Arnold, instead they went with Kathy Bates. Why? She was in Titanic with all of her fallutin' "new" money.

The old military guy in Avatar should've been nominated. Interesting note: that guy is also in Public Enemies and had exactly 2 lines in the whole movie. What a waste.

Demi Moore and Michelle Pfeiffer are doing plastic surgery the right way.

Here's a new one. For Best Actor, they have an actor who has worked with each of the nominees and tell a story about them. Colin Farrell is there and was in Crazy Heart, but he's not there to talk about Jeff Bridges. It's so funny that Farrell was in that movie. Can you imagine the producers? "We need a good looking country singer, a real American dude...Colin Farrell!"

Tim Robbins talks about Morgan Freeman. Andy fucking Dufresne kills it! After all this self congratulatory bullshit from the others, he goes "Morgan Freeman told me that a true friend will bring you coffee...can do that for me, Ted? It is Ted, isn't it?" Classic.

Colin is there to talk about Jeremy Renner because they worked together on Swat! Leprechaun and Swat on this broadcast, people. I guess no one else who is famous has ever worked with this dude.

In a shock to no one, Jeff Bridges wins. I preferred Renner.

Clooney's girlfriend has yet to break a smile. My theory is that she doesn't speak a word of english and thinks she's at some bizarre interactive play.

Oprah in the building. Where's Uma? I wonder who she is gonna talk about. The way Forrest Whitaker talks about "Hope Floats" you'd think it was watchable. I saw that shit in the theaters. Hey, don't blame me. I was in college, everyone experiments in college.

Carey Mulligan and her mom are identical twins.

No upset again, Sandy Bullock wins it. Interesting note: she's vagina cousins with a porn star. An Oscar first? Probably not.

Babs gives out Best Director. It's Katherine Bigelow. Good for her. I really liked that movie. But it's hard to say she deserved it more than Cameron. What he did was next to impossible.

Tom Hanks gives Best Picture. I follow him on Twitter, and he ends every tweet with "Hanx". I laugh every time.

Hurt Locker wins.

Wow. Again, I loved Hurt Locker. But I hated everything about Avatar before I actually saw it. I hated the previews, the premise, everything. And then I watched it and it turned me completely around. Everyone I know who has seen it, likes it. And in this day and age, with people loving to tear shit like this down, to do what it did, is unbelievable.

I guess James Cameron will just have to settle for having more money than everyone else.

Friday, March 05, 2010

A Random Memory

Today at the office we were talking about how horrible Robin Williams is as a comedian. He's a fine actor, but was his standup ever funny? I don't know the answer to that question. But it reminded me of one of my earliest memories in life.

I don't know why this has stuck with me all these years, but it has. And now that my nephew Toots is 5 years old, it's trippy to think he has entered the stage of life where he'll start remembering stuff.

This isn't all that funny or anything, it's just one of the first things I ever remember and I think I was around 5, just like Toots.

I was talking to my dad.

ME: "Dad, I want to see Robin Williams".

DAD: "What?"

ME: "Robin Williams is coming here. I want to go".

My dad looked at me in the eyes. Put his hand on my shoulder. And very calmly said:

DAD: "Son, Robin Williams isn't actually Mork".

And that was how how my dad saved me from witnessing Robin Williams' stand up.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

An Oscar Snub That No One is Talking About

What if I told you there was a movie this year, a political thriller, well written and directed, with great performances by Russell Crowe, Helen Mirren, Rachel McAdams, Ben Affleck, Jason Bateman, and Robin Wright...and it did not get a single Oscar nomination? That would be pretty surprising. You might say "oh, maybe the critics hated it". But what if it has a rating of 84% on Rotten Tomatoes? You might counter "maybe no one saw it". It made 3 times as much as "The Hurt Locker".

Of course, there was that movie. And it came out in 2009. And it was my favorite movie of the year. It's "State of Play".

It had the misfortune of being released in April. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought the Academy Awards were for the movies that came out in 2009, not just the ones that came out in December. So I guess we're giving awards to the best december movies now.

Monday, March 01, 2010

After the Final Dorky Rose

Okay, Jake has just proposed to Vienna. It's months later. A million horrible things have come out in the meantime about Vienna. Will Jake stand by his woman? That's what we want to know.

Tenley comes out first - still looking good. They show her getting dumped again, which causes her to cry for the millionth time. Tenley is still confused. She doesn't understand the whole sex thing. Chris says she "deserves some answers". She has the answers! She's choosing not to hear them.

Jake comes out and Tenley turns into Barbara Walters. She grills him about the "physical thing". Jake does his best to deflect, what is he supposed to say? She'll never get it. Jake calls it "a mysterious thing". Nothing mysterious about it, it's the horizontal mambo.

I want Tenley to ask Vienna the questions. She's good.

Jake says that Vienna is his "baby", and he loves her so much. And he's had other "high caliber" relationships but nothing like this. And that they have so much "heat". There's that word again: heat. Not buying it.

Vienna comes out looking skinnier. They proclaim their love. They blame the tabloids for talking shit about Vienna. It's funny because she has to defend herself. And all the women in the audience hate her guts and you can feel it. I think this is all a lie. And not just because Jake is gay.

I'm very disappointed in all of this. What's the point of them breaking up if it's not televised for my enjoyment?

Only one good thing happened during this crap: Chris announces "But wait...there's more. To sing the theme song of this show...that's right, it's him. To perform "On the Wings of Love", it's Jeffrey Osborne!"

And then sure enough Jeffrey Osborne comes out and sings! Jake and Vienna dance to his singing. Yes, it's as crazy as it sounds.

Vienna cackles the entire time because it's so awkward and weird.

They announce the Bachelorette: it's Ali. No surprise. The audience cheers wildly, almost trying to give a fuck you to Vienna. I guess Ali's boss has gotten a little more lenient in the last month.

Chris asks Ali what she's looking for, she says "I want 50 guys, not 25!" Whoa, whore. Then she says she wants "a funny, quirky guy". Holy shit, she's looking for me.

This sucked. But I'll tell ya one thing: Jeffrey Osborne has still got it.

It's been a helluva run once again. Thanks to everyone for your comments. Until next time, goodnight!

The Dork Bachelor Finale

My first post for the first episode of this season was entitled "The Bachelor No One Wanted", and now we are left with "The Bachelorettes No One Wanted". Vienna and Tenley, I gotta say, I never coulda predicted these two. Then again, I'm straight.

This is a fairly predictable episode. One of two things is going to happen: Jake picks Vienna, Jake picks dudes.

The beauty of this is that I extremely pleased with either outcome. If it's Vienna, then I am so happy with the thought of Jake sitting around the last month as Vienna was exposed by Us Weekly as the worst person in the world. If it's dudes, well, I don't have to explain why that is awesome.

This finale might not be great, but I'm already looking forward to the After the Final Rose show. Which unfortunately, is right after. Damn, 3 hours of this crap. I have a life, you know!

Let's watch...

Jake strolls the beach thoughtfully wearing a bright pink shirt. Nice. His family comes to visit. Wait...Jake has a family? He has not mentioned them once. Sort of odd. Also, Jake is the shortest person in his family. By far.

Jake says both girls laugh at his stupid jokes. When has this happened? What jokes? Oh, maybe he's referring to the whole bit about him looking for a girl.

Jake's mom stops him when he's talking about Vienna, "is she the one no one liked? Cause sometimes there's something to that". Thank you!

Tenley enters and meets the whole family. It's so annoying how she doesn't like sex. In 10 years she's gonna have her first orgasm and realize why her life has played out the way that it has. "Oh, so this is what everyone's been talking about and cheating on me for".

Jake's dad cries. The fruit doesn't fall far from the other fruit.

Man, Tenley sure has an annoying voice. They say that if you get molested as a kid, your voice freezes at that age. If this is true, Tenley had an unfortunate incident around her 5th birthday.

Jake's family loves Tenley. They must be super into bawling. Jake and T jump into the pool together, and then his family follows them in and it results in some sort of awkward incestual gang bang.

This love-fest seems to be a setup for a huge Vienna fail. Tenley is a family's dream, Vienna is the world's nightmare.

Vienna meets the family. It's edited to make it seem awkward, I think they're playing it up. Vienna giggles a lot. Brags about how the girls hated her. Jake's sisters in law immediately hate her too, labeling her "confrontational". They say "you're so different from Tenley". And Vienna says "I'm not a robot". Yeah, the Japanese tend to make sex robots attractive.

The family asks Vienna what she likes about Jake. She is unable to come up with an answer, and Jake says to her "I told you tough questions were coming". Ha!!! That is a tough one.

This pattern is so funny: everyone in the world keeps telling Jake that Vienna is horrible, and he gets all defensive about it and can't wrap his head around it. Wake up, asshole. What has to happen for you to see it?

BTW - one of Jake's brothers is also in the closet.

Jake's mom and sisters in law pretend to come around on Vienna.

Jake and Vienna mud wrestle. That's not a metaphor. It's gross. Jake talks about their incredible chemistry. He doesn't want his attraction to her to cloud his judgement. I would not trust this man as my pilot, he is quite obviously blind and/or insane.

Vienna tells Jake about her first marriage. She doesn't mention the cheating or the stealing. She says she wants to give Jake her "ring". I thought he got the ring two episodes ago...the ring is her vagina, right?

Next, Jake spends the day with Tenley. he does his standard overcompensation "pick up and hug" of her. She says she just wants to "kiss him, and squeeze him, and wishin', and hopin', and prayin'...",

Jake is acting all depressed, obviously knowing he has to dump this girl in 24 hours. She notices. Then he says "are you ever concerned that the emotional chemistry between us is so alarmingly hot, and sometimes it feels like the physical chemistry is not as hot as the emotional"...

Let's dissect that. Who has ever described their emotional chemistry as "alarmingly hot"? No one has. That's bizarre. But...have to give props to Jake for this. No bachelor has ever brought up a fault to a girl right before the final rose. Usually it's just sunshine and fairy tales right before el dumpo. I like this.

Tenley is stunned. She thinks they "have heat". Ha! Sorry babe, you just don't like or understand sex. You wouldn't know heat if it gave you a sunburn. Her response? Crying. If you knew anything your response would've been blow job, because that is clearly what he was talking about.

This all happened on a boat, now we move to dinner time at her hotel. She brings it up again in her 5 year old voice: "I would love to know more about what you were trying to tell me today..." I think he was pretty clear. You're not into fucking. Couldn't be simpler. Look who you're losing to! You think Vienna's getting ahead by playing the virgin card? It's time to get naked, dummy.

Jake does what every guy does when they say something honest and a girl acts like she's done nothing wrong...he back peddles and apologizes. He somehow turns it into a compliment, which she accepts. Women are from Mars, people.

I am very upset by this last sequence. It basically just summed up the entire problem between men and women in this country. Women can't handle the truth! This is why you get cheated on, Tenley.

Interesting: Jake starts describing Tenley as "too perfect". They're soulmates! Maybe now he realizes that "too perfect" is code for the opposite of perfect and actually quite terrible. Of course he doesn't realize that. I feel like we've come full circle though.

Shirtless Jake! You know how all straight men contemplate things while shirtless and sticking their feet into a wading pool? Jake's doing that.

Jake chooses rings, claims that he hasn't decided (as all Bachelors do). He says that Vienna is "naturally sexy". Oh, so it's the makeup and clothes that are making her look all gross.

FINAL ROSE TIME

And this season, they are not using limousines. They're going with The Bachelor Copters! How'd it take them this long to do it?

First copter is...

TENLEY. Of course it is. Prepare for the water works, here come the tears...from Jake.

Tenley looks great, by the way. A thousand times better than Vienna.

Jake can't even say anything before the tears come down, and he starts muttering "you're perfect, you're perfect". Yes, but too perfect? Tenly makes a horrible face and shakes her head "no". It's really, really funny.

It's Tenley who ends up making the long speech. It's very sad and sweet. Sad because Jake meant that much to her. Meanwhile, he says nothing. Nice job, ace.

They walk together and break down again in sobs. Tenley's like, "why are you saying goodbye?" Jake says "some part of me isn't coming naturally with you"..or something like that. I'm pretty sure he's referring to the fucking part.

Jake says he had her up on a pedestal and was forcing things. That's guy code for "I can't get dirty with this girl". Every guy knows about this. There's gotta be an element of nastiness. No one wants to be in bed with a saint. A saint can't say the word pussy. A saint doesn't touch bodily fluids. Tenley was a saint.

2nd Copter: VIENNA.

They have to be already broken up. Although they're both the worst, so maybe it makes sense.

He proposes to her and she says yes. Then we watch a montage to the sounds of Jeffrey Osbourne. Yes!

Okay, that's all for that, time for After the Rose, which I have high hopes for...