I walked to the store today. On the way, there's a large intersection near a school, and in the afternoons there is an adult Crossing Guard helping people cross. Today, it was a pleasant, middle aged blonde woman.
She helped me cross. She smiled at me, and was very friendly:
"Hi! How are you doing today?'
"Good. How are you?"
"Good."
"Thank you"
"You're welcome. Have a great weekend, okay?"
The store is right across the street. I went in and come out. It took all of 2 minutes, and I was right back at the intersection.
"Hi! How are you doing today?"
"Uh...good. You?"
"Good"
"Thanks"
"Have a great weekend, okay?"
Bitch.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Birthday Week
I like to give my haircutter pep talks before special events. I want her to know that there's something on the line, so maybe she'll elevate her game from the blur of $15 dollar cuts she gives throughout the day.
Her name is Sandra. She's mexican. She doesn't speak a lot of English. If she lived in Arizona, she probably would be stopped for questioning every half an hour. She's lucky if she stands 4 feet, 9 inches tall. She may be short, but she packs in more boob per square inch than anyone at Fantastic Sam's.
I like Sandra, though I have to scrunch down in my seat just so she can see over my head. This is made up by her aforementioned breasts, which provide a comfortable headrest when she needs me to lean back.
She understood the consequences of this haircut; it's a birthday haircut. A lot on the line. I asked her how old I was going to be. She examined me, gave it some thought, and came back with:
37.
And that's when the pep talk really kicked in. I told her obviously she needed to take at least - at least - 3 years off with her scissors. I don't think she understood a word of what I was saying. But she smiled and said, "yes, yes". Even if she no comprendo'd, at least she was taking it seriously.
I took my new hair home. And then my nephews came over. Toots McGee wished me a happy birthday.
I asked Toots, "how old am I turning?"
He examined me, gave it some thought, and came back with:
46.
Dammit! Sandra had somehow aged me 9 years with a number 2 razor and a finger length trim.
I told Toots to guess again. I reminded him how old his parents are, how old his grandparents are...he took all of this in. Then came up with the verdict:
60.
Stupid kids and Mexicans.
Her name is Sandra. She's mexican. She doesn't speak a lot of English. If she lived in Arizona, she probably would be stopped for questioning every half an hour. She's lucky if she stands 4 feet, 9 inches tall. She may be short, but she packs in more boob per square inch than anyone at Fantastic Sam's.
I like Sandra, though I have to scrunch down in my seat just so she can see over my head. This is made up by her aforementioned breasts, which provide a comfortable headrest when she needs me to lean back.
She understood the consequences of this haircut; it's a birthday haircut. A lot on the line. I asked her how old I was going to be. She examined me, gave it some thought, and came back with:
37.
And that's when the pep talk really kicked in. I told her obviously she needed to take at least - at least - 3 years off with her scissors. I don't think she understood a word of what I was saying. But she smiled and said, "yes, yes". Even if she no comprendo'd, at least she was taking it seriously.
I took my new hair home. And then my nephews came over. Toots McGee wished me a happy birthday.
I asked Toots, "how old am I turning?"
He examined me, gave it some thought, and came back with:
46.
Dammit! Sandra had somehow aged me 9 years with a number 2 razor and a finger length trim.
I told Toots to guess again. I reminded him how old his parents are, how old his grandparents are...he took all of this in. Then came up with the verdict:
60.
Stupid kids and Mexicans.
Friday, April 23, 2010
I Had a Dream Last Night...
And I was in college, I think, in a big classroom. For some reason I wasn't wearing a shirt. One of the other students started questioning me about something. And then they said:
"For a 33 year old, you have nice boobs"
Okay, between that and my love for The Bachelor and 90210, I'm very confused. This must be what Chaz Bono feels like.
"For a 33 year old, you have nice boobs"
Okay, between that and my love for The Bachelor and 90210, I'm very confused. This must be what Chaz Bono feels like.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Look At These Tea Party Idiots
Ah, the Tea Party. A bunch of plucky (white) Americans who are angry. Angry! Why are they so angry? Well, because of...taxes! And...big goverment! And...the deficit. Oh, and also because Obama is a socialist and a muslim and maybe Hitler. No, worse than Hitler.
They call themselves the tea party because of the Boston Tea Party, and that whole "no taxation without representation" thing. You know, back in the good old days, when men were men, and women couldn't vote, and only white guys could be president.
Nevermind the fact that our taxation is with representation - Obama did win the election if I remember correctly - these people are hard to take seriously. I mean, I can get on board with smaller government and lower taxes and not having a deficit. Unfortunately, we didn't hear a peep from these folks when George Bush was President, and took a surplus and turned it into a deficit, lowered taxes without being able to afford it, and got slippery with the constitution. No, they only sprung forth when a black democrat with a funny name took over. And suddenly, these things that they conveniently ignored for 8 years became a big deal.
Let me get something straight: disagreeing with Obama does not make you a racist. Not even close. But saying he's not from this country, that he's a Muslim, holding signs that say "Preserve White America", and calling famous civil rights leaders the N word, well, that does make you a racist.
The Tea Partiers are also hard to take seriously because they are stupid. And I don't just say this as some kind of insult. No, it has been proven that they are actually very stupid. For one, their big issue is taxes. Tea Party (to some of them, I think) stands for Taxed Enough Already. That's their big thing. Yet they don't know anything about taxes. I refer you to this poll, conducted by CBS News, which discovered that only 2 percent of Tea Partiers knew that their taxes were lowered this year.
In fact, taxes were as low as they've been in 40 years, in part due to the evil, socialist stimulus bill that they hate so much. Again, taxes are supposedly their big issue, and yet they know nothing about it.
To further illustrate that they are stupid, please view the video below. What I found most interesting about this video is the way these people parrot Fox News and conservative radio. They speak in one, brainwashed voice. It's spooky.
The conservatives do an amazing job of getting out "the message". They get talking points and they stick to them. And these people are the result. It would be fascinating if it weren't so disturbing. They are so afraid of a government takeover and their freedoms being stripped away, that they can't see that they actually hate freedom. They hate other points of view. They love being controlled, especially if they are being controlled by Glenn Beck.
And now, without further ado, look at these tea party idiots...
They call themselves the tea party because of the Boston Tea Party, and that whole "no taxation without representation" thing. You know, back in the good old days, when men were men, and women couldn't vote, and only white guys could be president.
Nevermind the fact that our taxation is with representation - Obama did win the election if I remember correctly - these people are hard to take seriously. I mean, I can get on board with smaller government and lower taxes and not having a deficit. Unfortunately, we didn't hear a peep from these folks when George Bush was President, and took a surplus and turned it into a deficit, lowered taxes without being able to afford it, and got slippery with the constitution. No, they only sprung forth when a black democrat with a funny name took over. And suddenly, these things that they conveniently ignored for 8 years became a big deal.
Let me get something straight: disagreeing with Obama does not make you a racist. Not even close. But saying he's not from this country, that he's a Muslim, holding signs that say "Preserve White America", and calling famous civil rights leaders the N word, well, that does make you a racist.
The Tea Partiers are also hard to take seriously because they are stupid. And I don't just say this as some kind of insult. No, it has been proven that they are actually very stupid. For one, their big issue is taxes. Tea Party (to some of them, I think) stands for Taxed Enough Already. That's their big thing. Yet they don't know anything about taxes. I refer you to this poll, conducted by CBS News, which discovered that only 2 percent of Tea Partiers knew that their taxes were lowered this year.
In fact, taxes were as low as they've been in 40 years, in part due to the evil, socialist stimulus bill that they hate so much. Again, taxes are supposedly their big issue, and yet they know nothing about it.
To further illustrate that they are stupid, please view the video below. What I found most interesting about this video is the way these people parrot Fox News and conservative radio. They speak in one, brainwashed voice. It's spooky.
The conservatives do an amazing job of getting out "the message". They get talking points and they stick to them. And these people are the result. It would be fascinating if it weren't so disturbing. They are so afraid of a government takeover and their freedoms being stripped away, that they can't see that they actually hate freedom. They hate other points of view. They love being controlled, especially if they are being controlled by Glenn Beck.
And now, without further ado, look at these tea party idiots...
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
The Answers to "Lost"
Favorite quote from tonight's episode: "Hey Claire. You look...great" -- Hurley
I think there is only one way to enjoy "Lost":
By not caring what the little answers are.
That is pretty much what made people fall in love with it originally. We didn't know the answers to every little thing then, or that they were even needed. It was just a cool story every week with interesting characters. And if you still watch it like that, it's still good. But if you get caught up in the answer game, you will be terribly disappointed.
But that's not because there aren't answers. There are. It's just they are not as fun as the questions. Because the fact is, when they do give us answers, we barely notice.
For example, I've heard people talk about how they're frustrated with "Lost" because they still want to know "why are there damn polar bears on the island?"
Well actually, that one has been answered. But the answer is not as cool or fun as "why is there a damn polar bear on a tropical island?!"
This "underwhelming answers" thing has started to play out more and more during the last couple of episodes. You can tell that the writers don't even really care that much about them.
"What were those whispers we always used to hear?"
That was answered with a tiny scene where Michael told Hurley that the whispers were from other people "like him" who couldn't move on. It wasn't a big scene at all.
"Why was Jack's dad seen around the island?"
This was answered tonight with a quick bit of dialogue between Jack and Not Locke.
We hoped there would be a big revelation to those questions, but I think that is impossible. No matter what the answer could be, it would inevitably be disappointing. If you want to know what every little thing meant, every little mystery, it ain't gonna happen.
I think there is only one way to enjoy "Lost":
By not caring what the little answers are.
That is pretty much what made people fall in love with it originally. We didn't know the answers to every little thing then, or that they were even needed. It was just a cool story every week with interesting characters. And if you still watch it like that, it's still good. But if you get caught up in the answer game, you will be terribly disappointed.
But that's not because there aren't answers. There are. It's just they are not as fun as the questions. Because the fact is, when they do give us answers, we barely notice.
For example, I've heard people talk about how they're frustrated with "Lost" because they still want to know "why are there damn polar bears on the island?"
Well actually, that one has been answered. But the answer is not as cool or fun as "why is there a damn polar bear on a tropical island?!"
This "underwhelming answers" thing has started to play out more and more during the last couple of episodes. You can tell that the writers don't even really care that much about them.
"What were those whispers we always used to hear?"
That was answered with a tiny scene where Michael told Hurley that the whispers were from other people "like him" who couldn't move on. It wasn't a big scene at all.
"Why was Jack's dad seen around the island?"
This was answered tonight with a quick bit of dialogue between Jack and Not Locke.
We hoped there would be a big revelation to those questions, but I think that is impossible. No matter what the answer could be, it would inevitably be disappointing. If you want to know what every little thing meant, every little mystery, it ain't gonna happen.
Why?
Because some questions matter, some don't, and they're not going to answer all of those little ones. So what are the ones that really matter? I think they are:
What is the island?
End of list.
Because some questions matter, some don't, and they're not going to answer all of those little ones. So what are the ones that really matter? I think they are:
What is the island?
End of list.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Top Seven Careers Ruined by Crack Cocaine
7. Bobby Brown
As my dad likes to say, "Bobby doesn't hang with the wrong crowd, he is the wrong crowd".
6. Every Member of Jodeci
Why are they ranked ahead of Bobby Brown? Because it's 4 times as sad. And also because of "Come and Talk to Me" the remix.
Poor, KC...
5. The Olsen Twins (allegedly)
If you're telling me you have a 90 pound alien with an identical twin, I'm telling you there's no stopping that combination. Unfortunately, there was something. Crack. It was either that or poor wardrobe choices.
4. Nino Brown
"Sit your 5 dollar ass down before I make change"
3. Chris Washburn
Len Bias was lucky, he died. Chris Washburn lived on, and has been called the greatest bust in NBA history. People say if Len lived, the Celtics woud've won 5 more championship. His story is a tragedy. But Chris did the same drugs and then had to drag his cracked ass on the court and play, so he's a joke.
He was drafted 3rd by hometown Golden St. Warriors. Who knows how my childhood would've been different had he laid off the pipe? There would've been a lot less Larry Johnson and Penny Hardaway jerseys in my house, that's for sure.
2. Richard Hillman (Torr's boyfriend from "Bring It On")
My favorite character from "Bring It On". Some like Sparky Polastri, others prefer Big Red. But no, Aaron was the real cherry on top of that gem. But then, he vanished.
Here's this dude before crack...
After crack...
1. Whitney Houston
Here's video of Whitney at a concert last week. This is what crack does to your high note...
As my dad likes to say, "Bobby doesn't hang with the wrong crowd, he is the wrong crowd".
6. Every Member of Jodeci
Why are they ranked ahead of Bobby Brown? Because it's 4 times as sad. And also because of "Come and Talk to Me" the remix.
Poor, KC...
5. The Olsen Twins (allegedly)
If you're telling me you have a 90 pound alien with an identical twin, I'm telling you there's no stopping that combination. Unfortunately, there was something. Crack. It was either that or poor wardrobe choices.
4. Nino Brown
"Sit your 5 dollar ass down before I make change"
3. Chris Washburn
Len Bias was lucky, he died. Chris Washburn lived on, and has been called the greatest bust in NBA history. People say if Len lived, the Celtics woud've won 5 more championship. His story is a tragedy. But Chris did the same drugs and then had to drag his cracked ass on the court and play, so he's a joke.
He was drafted 3rd by hometown Golden St. Warriors. Who knows how my childhood would've been different had he laid off the pipe? There would've been a lot less Larry Johnson and Penny Hardaway jerseys in my house, that's for sure.
2. Richard Hillman (Torr's boyfriend from "Bring It On")
My favorite character from "Bring It On". Some like Sparky Polastri, others prefer Big Red. But no, Aaron was the real cherry on top of that gem. But then, he vanished.
Here's this dude before crack...
After crack...
1. Whitney Houston
Here's video of Whitney at a concert last week. This is what crack does to your high note...
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Reverend Handleman
Sorry, friends. I got hit with the double whammy this week: work started up again, and I got sick. I may have gotten sick because I had to go back to work. I'm allergic to doing stuff.
Anyway, that's why I have not had time to write about my adventures in stalking girls on Facebook.
But I do have an announcement:
My sister has asked me to marry her and her fiancee this summer. So for one day, according to the state of California, I will be a Reverend.
I take this responsibility very seriously. I'm a man of the cloth now, for Christ Sakes. So I've been studying up on the Bible, saying Hail Mary's, and of course, molesting deaf kids.
Anyway, picking me for this seems like a horrible idea. Ever since she asked me, I've been thinking of lines and bouncing them off people - all have been deemed "inappropriate".
I think the key will be writing a tight script and not deviating from it in any way. And I already have my first line ready:
"People keep asking me: Irwin, what are your qualifications to marry this happy couple? And I look them straight in the eye and remind them: "I watch a lot of The Bachelor".
If anyone has any tips or tricks, please provide them in the comments section. I could use them. First order of business: should I lead with the molesting joke or save it for the reception?
Anyway, that's why I have not had time to write about my adventures in stalking girls on Facebook.
But I do have an announcement:
My sister has asked me to marry her and her fiancee this summer. So for one day, according to the state of California, I will be a Reverend.
I take this responsibility very seriously. I'm a man of the cloth now, for Christ Sakes. So I've been studying up on the Bible, saying Hail Mary's, and of course, molesting deaf kids.
Anyway, picking me for this seems like a horrible idea. Ever since she asked me, I've been thinking of lines and bouncing them off people - all have been deemed "inappropriate".
I think the key will be writing a tight script and not deviating from it in any way. And I already have my first line ready:
"People keep asking me: Irwin, what are your qualifications to marry this happy couple? And I look them straight in the eye and remind them: "I watch a lot of The Bachelor".
If anyone has any tips or tricks, please provide them in the comments section. I could use them. First order of business: should I lead with the molesting joke or save it for the reception?
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Karma
Number one with a mullet.
Best moment of the tournament:
Tiger putts out on the 18th. And Jim Nantz sums up his day perfectly:
"Tiger was 3 over through 5, and he somehow managed a 69 out of all this".
Amazing.
Best moment of the tournament:
Tiger putts out on the 18th. And Jim Nantz sums up his day perfectly:
"Tiger was 3 over through 5, and he somehow managed a 69 out of all this".
Amazing.
Friday, April 09, 2010
Speaking of Twitter...
Here were my tweets this week...
If you quit being Governor, why do you still get to be called "Governor"?
Have you ever met a funny "humorist"?
Watching the wnba draft on espn 2, masturbating
"Mr. beautiful comes here to win. he doesn't come here to fraternize with drunk sluts" -- Kenny, fresh meat ii
That transvestite girl is determined to ruin every show on mtv
Bristol palin is doing "anti-teen pregnancy" commercials...doesn't that mean she hates her baby?
Sure, megan fox is the best looking woman i have ever seen. but don't underestimate brian austin green. pretty cool dude.
If you quit being Governor, why do you still get to be called "Governor"?
Have you ever met a funny "humorist"?
Watching the wnba draft on espn 2, masturbating
"Mr. beautiful comes here to win. he doesn't come here to fraternize with drunk sluts" -- Kenny, fresh meat ii
That transvestite girl is determined to ruin every show on mtv
Bristol palin is doing "anti-teen pregnancy" commercials...doesn't that mean she hates her baby?
Sure, megan fox is the best looking woman i have ever seen. but don't underestimate brian austin green. pretty cool dude.
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
To All the Girls Who Wanted Nothing to Do With Me
I'm a twitter man. This is noteworthy because no one was more anti-twitter than me. But then I entered twitter world (for work, of course) and discovered that I loved it. Not for the things I wrote, but for the comments and links provide by the people I follow. I've found more cool shit on the internet because of twitter than anything else. It's a great resource.
I tell you this because though I love twitter, I'm not a big fan of facebook. It is far less interesting. Except for one important little fact:
Pictures of people you used to know.
Twitter does not have this. And thus, visits to Facebook still happen. And I was on there recently and I happened upon (happened upon = stalking) some pictures of some friends I knew back in high school and college. Lady type friends.
It's fascinating to see people you haven't seen in 15 years now old and married with kids. And then you realize, oh, that means I'm old too. But at least I'm sad and alone! Those morons are stuck with a family.
Anyway, some of these girls were hot shit back in the day. And now a large majority of them to seem to have settled down with fat, bald guys. Yes, the prom queens are now happily married to George Constanza. This perplexes me.
Why? Because when I knew them they were basically fucking the equivalent of Tommy Lee. So my question is this:
When did that decision happen? When did they say, "all right, enough with the assholes, let's see who's gonna put a ring on it"? Was it a conscious choice? It had to be.
My friend and I came up with something called "The 6 Month Window" theory. It proposed that you (as a man) have a 6 month window to meet a girl and have it go well.
That window comes about when women are 26 years old. Before the window, they are wowed by bad boys and think their vaginas contain winning lottery tickets. After the window closes, they lose their mind about turning 30 and not being married, and realize their vagina has lost its luster.
Before the window, they will go out with you. After the window, you do not want to go out with them.
I suggest that these fat, bald guys met these girls after the window.
I would love to go back in time and show these girls pictures of the men they're going to marry. They would be horrified. Think about how great that would be:
A 23 year old girl, up in the club, looking hot, not a care in the world, occasionally she's banging Colin Farrell and Tiger Woods, and then I come from the future and show her the facebook picture - the one where she's 32 with 2 kids and married to what looks like the guy who played "The Commish".
There has to be a romantic comedy in this somehow. Unfortunately, that romantic comedy would probably star Kate Hudson.
I tell you this because though I love twitter, I'm not a big fan of facebook. It is far less interesting. Except for one important little fact:
Pictures of people you used to know.
Twitter does not have this. And thus, visits to Facebook still happen. And I was on there recently and I happened upon (happened upon = stalking) some pictures of some friends I knew back in high school and college. Lady type friends.
It's fascinating to see people you haven't seen in 15 years now old and married with kids. And then you realize, oh, that means I'm old too. But at least I'm sad and alone! Those morons are stuck with a family.
Anyway, some of these girls were hot shit back in the day. And now a large majority of them to seem to have settled down with fat, bald guys. Yes, the prom queens are now happily married to George Constanza. This perplexes me.
Why? Because when I knew them they were basically fucking the equivalent of Tommy Lee. So my question is this:
When did that decision happen? When did they say, "all right, enough with the assholes, let's see who's gonna put a ring on it"? Was it a conscious choice? It had to be.
My friend and I came up with something called "The 6 Month Window" theory. It proposed that you (as a man) have a 6 month window to meet a girl and have it go well.
That window comes about when women are 26 years old. Before the window, they are wowed by bad boys and think their vaginas contain winning lottery tickets. After the window closes, they lose their mind about turning 30 and not being married, and realize their vagina has lost its luster.
Before the window, they will go out with you. After the window, you do not want to go out with them.
I suggest that these fat, bald guys met these girls after the window.
I would love to go back in time and show these girls pictures of the men they're going to marry. They would be horrified. Think about how great that would be:
A 23 year old girl, up in the club, looking hot, not a care in the world, occasionally she's banging Colin Farrell and Tiger Woods, and then I come from the future and show her the facebook picture - the one where she's 32 with 2 kids and married to what looks like the guy who played "The Commish".
There has to be a romantic comedy in this somehow. Unfortunately, that romantic comedy would probably star Kate Hudson.
I Take It Back
Buzz Aldrin was kicked off "Dancing with the Stars" last night. And I was upset. Because he actually wasn't the worst dancer out there. That honor belongs to Kate Gosselin. Holy shit. She can't even walk with rhythm. She needs a black guy just to teach her how to walk okay.
There's nothing that can make a girl uglier than bad dancing. I've seen good looking girls up in the club before, and then saw them dance, and turned around and walked the other way. So unfortunate.
And with that said, Kate Gosselin has to be the most unattractive woman in the world. Oh, and the 8 kids out of the vagina thing probably isn't helping either.
There's nothing that can make a girl uglier than bad dancing. I've seen good looking girls up in the club before, and then saw them dance, and turned around and walked the other way. So unfortunate.
And with that said, Kate Gosselin has to be the most unattractive woman in the world. Oh, and the 8 kids out of the vagina thing probably isn't helping either.
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
Saturday, April 03, 2010
That's Why They Call It "Acting"
This story really annoys the crap out of me:
Seriously, does he understand what acting is?
I guess this dude is a big Catholic, and out of respect for that and his family he will not do sex scenes. He has previously refused sex scenes in "Boomtown" and "Desperate Housewives". Does he know that it's not real sex? Maybe he's method and feels like he can't do it if it's not actual fucking. I would respect him more if that were the case.
Looking down his credits, I notice that he got his start playing Lou Gehrig in a Babe Ruth movie. I suppose then he actually has alzheimers disease? He was also in "Band of Brothers", where did he get the time traveling machine to play that? He's also apparently a trained doctor, policeman, and Incredible Hulk.
Neal McDonough fired from ABC's 'Scoundrels' after refusing sex scenes with Virginia Madsen
Seriously, does he understand what acting is?
I guess this dude is a big Catholic, and out of respect for that and his family he will not do sex scenes. He has previously refused sex scenes in "Boomtown" and "Desperate Housewives". Does he know that it's not real sex? Maybe he's method and feels like he can't do it if it's not actual fucking. I would respect him more if that were the case.
Looking down his credits, I notice that he got his start playing Lou Gehrig in a Babe Ruth movie. I suppose then he actually has alzheimers disease? He was also in "Band of Brothers", where did he get the time traveling machine to play that? He's also apparently a trained doctor, policeman, and Incredible Hulk.
I Got an Ipad
But mine is a little special.
It has a camera. It can multitask. It works with flash. It can videochat. It has a USB port. It has a DVD/CD player. And the best part: it has a hard keyboard.
Some call it a laptop. I call it an Ipad with a keyboard.
It has a camera. It can multitask. It works with flash. It can videochat. It has a USB port. It has a DVD/CD player. And the best part: it has a hard keyboard.
Some call it a laptop. I call it an Ipad with a keyboard.
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